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Posts by sportybluei
Joined: Dec 21, 2009
Last Post: Dec 24, 2009
Threads: 7
Posts: 40  

From: United States of America

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sportybluei   
Dec 24, 2009
Essays / Amherst applicants, do we have to refer to the quote in the essay? [4]

Like in the title, do we have to refer to the quote in the essay? (I know they told us we don't have to refer to the text from which the quote is taken..)

I'm using the #5- difficulty quote, and I feel like it'll be rather weird if I actually had the quote in the essay or if I directly referred to the quote in the essay.

This is the quote:
"Difficulty need not forshadow despair or defeat. Rather achievement can be all the more satisfying because of obstacles surmounted."
sportybluei   
Dec 24, 2009
Undergraduate / Williams "Looking through a window" Essay [3]

what I assume to be the unknown object

just an unknown object would be better

or majority is the world's minority

I think you meant, for majority here is the world's minority

I feel like there's too much repetition here of the idea of diversity.. Can you shorten this into maybe 4 5 sentences?

Our diversity serves as a catalyst for our success both during and beyond high school. A success no diamond can outshine.

Our diversity serves as a catalyst for our success both during and beyond high school, a success no diamond can outshine would be better

Your essay is really interesting!! :) keep it up!!

Would you mind reading mine? thanks.
sportybluei   
Dec 24, 2009
Undergraduate / Stanford-Tutoring the Tudors-Intellectual Vitality [4]

By offering my time for the benefit of other students

It sounds like you're being generous. You could phrase it differently?

I have participated in a unique experience not provided in a standard high school education: the ability to teach others.

I have learned something not provided with would be better...

whether that sharing of information is a product of tutoring or excitement.

I had to read this several times. So tutoring=excitement, right? Try to make that clearer..

I like the idea of removing the fourth paragraph. It ties together the essay more. Good job! :)
sportybluei   
Dec 24, 2009
Undergraduate / My New "Job" / Odyssey of the Mind - Being A Big Sister, common apps essay (own topic) [5]

I actually like both of the essays. The first essay is really touching and shows you as a person. The second essay focuses on your most important activity of high school, and could definitely show your passion.

However what I would do to improve both of the essays are shortening the length, by focusing on the central main idea you want to convey to the readers. Because for right now, I have a hard time deciding which one is better, because both are really broad in terms of discussing your subjects, if you know what I mean. Also, for the second essay, you could explain further on what OM is in the introduction, because I was confused what the program was really all about.

Keep up with your good work! :)
sportybluei   
Dec 24, 2009
Undergraduate / Common app short answer; teaching assistant [2]

In the space provided below, please elaborate on one of your activities (extracurricular, personal activities, or work experience) (150 words or fewer).

Any suggestions are welcome! :)


"Ms. Lee, can you teach the class?" Ms. Aoyagi asked. I awkwardly sat on the wooden stall in front of the class. All thirty eyes were clearly on me. Initially, it felt odd teaching people I would fool around with. However, as Ms. Aoyagi asked me to teach more often, I became more serious about my task. Now I constantly think about better ways to teach a material, for example, by creating fun games to engage the students. Sometimes, amazingly, my suggestions turn into main activities of the day.

Being a teaching assistant for the Japanese class has been a truly rewarding experience. I have learned how my day could be more exciting and productive, in school or in elsewhere, by being an active participant than being just an observer. I hope to contribute to the class by improving my Japanese first and coming up with new ideas for classroom activities.
sportybluei   
Dec 24, 2009
Undergraduate / Williams essay; looking through a window at a significant environment [7]

No problem, I really enjoyed reading yours. Thank you for your thoughtful comments too. Do you think it's the third paragraph that needs more explicit details? And did you see any grammatical mistakes or awkward spots in the essay? :)
sportybluei   
Dec 24, 2009
Undergraduate / Stanford-Tutoring the Tudors-Intellectual Vitality [4]

When the phrase "intellectually engaging" enters my brain, my mind doesn't jump towards a challenging calculus test, my favorite book, or Wikipedia.com.

I don't know if I really like the first sentence.. Since your essay focuses on your love of tutoring, how about beginning with a touching sentence that really shows how you feel about it?

and skill few high school students have

sounds like you are emphasizing yourself too much.. it would be better if you phrase it differently.

tutoring gig

too casual. Just tutoring could be fine..

Granted, I was talented at math,

Again, you are emphasizing too much about yourself. Try to put that in the essay subtly.

intellectual feat

same thing here too. put that in subtly...

While my experience in tutoring has bred skills like thinking on my toes and creativeness in communicating and explaining ideas, I do not feel that those qualities are the most important products. Rather, tutoring helped me learn patience.

You focused your third paragraph about you trying to communicate what you know to the student, and I liked that approach, more than you focusing on patience in the next paragraph (which sounded a little cliche).

I think this essay could be really nice with some improvement! :) Keep it up!

Can you do me a favor of looking at my essay? Thanks.
sportybluei   
Dec 24, 2009
Undergraduate / Princeton Supplement - answer to quote on extraordinary things in everyday life [5]

I think they all start with the end of a long Canadian winter. After almost six months of snow, slush, and icy roads, it was a way to rip off the scarves, hats, and gloves and celebrate the end of the winter season.

I think you have too many indirect words such as "they" and "it" in your first 3 sentences. It would be nice if the readers can clearly see what they are being referred to. Having those indirect words in a row only confuses readers.

Also in your first paragraph, the 'end of the winter' idea seems too repetitive, although I like all of your descriptions.

in the spring and summer, we would go to these yard sales almost every week, sometimes scrounging for antique artifacts and other times simply curious about what our neighbours keep hidden inside their houses

in the spring and summer, we would go to these yard sales almost every week, sometimes scrounging for antique artifacts and other times to simply find out what our neighbours might have keep hidden inside their houses

the only practice they get is through

the only practice they get was through

We weren't as keen to get good deals on ancient artifacts as we were to simply have fun.

A little awkward.. also you used 'simply' in two sentence ago..
how about We were there, more to have fun than to get good deals on ancient artifacts.

I guess it was because our English was not fluent enough, the novelty had worn off, and relocation to a suburban area with fewer neighbours and larger walking distances made house-visits more difficult

I think this would make more sense

Yet, this little tradition still holds a special place in my heart, and I always think back to those yard sale days with a smile.

a run-on sentence

I now realized why I loved the philosophy behind yard sales even as a child - that someone's old, discarded object might still be wanted and cherished by someone else.

connecting two parts with a semicolon (and eliminate that) would be better.

Ultimately, everything has an inherent value, and that is how I see the world.

a run-on sentence..

I revel in the innocence of a baby's smile, the scent of grass and dew in the morning, the laughter of my family and friends.

really touching. :)

just another one of those

hmm.. it doesn't go with the general tone of your essay

Nice essay!! I loved it. very thoughtful..

Will you take a look at my Williams essay? thanks. :)
sportybluei   
Dec 24, 2009
Undergraduate / Williams essay; looking through a window at a significant environment [7]

Imagine looking through a window at any environment that is particularly significant to you. Reflect on the scene, paying close attention to the relation between what you are seeing and why it is meaningful to you. Please limit your statement to 300 words.

Any suggestions to my essay? :)


The hands of the clock point to 8:30. Fifteen minutes until the bell. Mr. Smith has left to get some coffee at the teacher's lounge, leaving me by myself in the band room. I hear mixed sounds coming from a distance. Finding nothing in particular to do, I glance out the window to see students arriving at school.

Two girls in the same lacrosse uniforms, chat excitedly in front of their parked cars. A group of students sit on the picnic table next to the parking lot, leaning against one another. Next to them, are friends questioning each other for their biology test. Out of many students, my eyes turn to the one girl who is strangely shown in black and white, while the rest of the scene stays in color. She stands alone, looking somewhat lost. Her grip onto the school map, which has been reread several times on the spot, tightens as she looks at the unfamiliar people and buildings around her. Please, someone go help her...

"Jiyoooon!" The image of myself two years ago quickly disappears in my head. My friends walk into the band room, waving their hands at me. Soon, my other fellow bandmates come in and start warming up their instruments with some scales. As a familiar, warm, soothing sound begins to fill the room, I look out the window again. This time, I can only see my reflection on the window glass instead of the girl outside. I see myself smiling among a crowd whom I share my love of music with. I become thankful of this place where I could belong to, where I could rest my heart on.
sportybluei   
Dec 24, 2009
Undergraduate / "my Japanese classes" - Why Swarthmore Essay [8]

Hmm..

I leave the class more insightful, informed, and slightly more defensive than I first went in

I leave the class more insightful, informed, and slightly more dizzy than I first went in? Dizzy seems too "literal" to me, if you know what I mean.. and it might be also interpreted as "confused."

Now I think about it again, overwhelmed doesn't fit in the sentence either, really.. b/c how can you be more overwhelmed than you first went in?
sportybluei   
Dec 24, 2009
Undergraduate / "my Japanese classes" - Why Swarthmore Essay [8]

Yes, it does make you sound like that, unless you explain further on why you were feeling defensive (which would be hard).. overwhelmed would be much better.
sportybluei   
Dec 24, 2009
Undergraduate / Confused about John Nash, Barnard Short Answer [4]

John Nash is a real person.. but I'm not sure he if he actually said the quote or not. And yes, like Dana said, the movie lacks a lot of the real details that happened.. and exaggerates a lot in making the story more dramatic.
sportybluei   
Dec 24, 2009
Undergraduate / My name and it's influences on me: COMMON APP ESSAY: [5]

I am known by my friends as compassionate and protective.

I don't think you really need this sentence. It also doesn't quite go with your previous sentences, that focuses on you being talkative and outgoing.

Junior year, I sought to build a fundraiser for Benjamin Franklin High School.

I came up with a plan to build... would be better.

I was part of an honorary committee consisting of Ben Franklin faculty members and administration.

Hmm.. this seems unnecessary.. really, even though it shows how important your position as a student chair was.

Through multiple committee meetings, the mission statement of Fruhlingsfiere developed into creating an event that would not only expand funds school wide; but also bring the community together to celebrate the achievements of a distinguished network of teachers, students, parents, and alumni.

Should be connected by a comma, not with a semicolon. But that would make the sentence terribly long.. so you should think about breaking them into two different sentences, but by still having same ideas..

Through dealing with immature taunts and jokes made at my name's expense, I learned the meaning of maturity. I've experienced responsible adults slip out inappropriate jokes about my name, observed my peers gradually adjust to the queerness of calling a person "Juese", and have gone through multiple banters with toddlers about the "awesome-ness" of my name. Ultimately, I recognized maturity is not measured in years but in how one responds to a situation and what one learns as a result. I have accepted that my name will be seen as an invitation to open fire with inappropriate jokes by some individuals. However, I learned that these taunts are trivial and inconsequential because they contain no meaning. They do not relate to who I am and what my interests and achievements are.

This whole paragraph.. (or part of a paragraph).. doesn't really focus on your gregarious nature, which should be the main idea of the essay. It's digressing.

Otherwise, I love your essay, so interesting. Your name is interesting too. :)

Would you do me a favor of looking at my essay? Thanks. :)
sportybluei   
Dec 24, 2009
Undergraduate / "my Japanese classes" - Why Swarthmore Essay [8]

Wow, this essay really amazes me with your creative approach. :) I love it, and hopefully the admissions will like it too.

I think back to my high school English class when I read Salman Rushdie's East, West

Hmm.. so what was it that made you think about that book? It is implied by the East vs West thing, but it would be better with an explanation.

A point was raised...wait - I didn't agree with that at all! A heated (but good-natured, of course) debate ensues, and I leave the class more insightful, informed, and slightly more defensive than I first went in.

Can you elaborate more on the "point" (I know you intentionally left that part out, but it would be better with a detail)? And I hope you explain more about the "defensive" part.

My roommate is playing music on maximum volume, and I can't concentrate because my favourite song is on

because she is playing my favorite song

the campus is gorgeous, the classes are stimulating, yes I'm eating my vegetables, and not to worry because I'll be going to bed soon

CUTE!

and hours went by without us even realizing it

hours go by (since everything else is in present tense)

This reminds me of my friend who went to Swarthmore.. :)

Would you do me another favor of looking at my essay? thanks.
sportybluei   
Dec 24, 2009
Undergraduate / Stanford Supplement Suggestions: Describe something intellecutally stimulating [6]

Oh, okay. So new age music=electronic music? I didn't really get that by reading..

Although I have always loved this new age music, I always find it disheartening how many people dislike electronic music.

Still, for people like me who don't know much about this kind of music, your sentence doesn't explain new age music=electronic music relationship.
sportybluei   
Dec 24, 2009
Undergraduate / The store as a reflection of the world - Williams essay - looking through a window... [10]

Oh.. now I understand. Like you said, "way of speaking" or even "accent" or "dialect" or "use of language"... could work.

and I just want to add something

I used to wonder at the different people passing through the store: their attire, attitude, language. They even smell different.

So you were interested in their attire, attitude, and language? A little awkward, if the sentence stands by itself.. Can you explain further about why?
sportybluei   
Dec 24, 2009
Undergraduate / "to light the way for my students" - Take a look at my "Why Northwestern?" [17]

These extracurricular activities

Ahh.. maybe you could word it differently? I think 'extracurricular activities' is too formal.

reach their destinations

Possibly, give examples of what some students' "destination" or "education goals" were..

But at the same time,

Just like the quote, "A good teacher is like a candle; it consumes itself to light the way for others," it was remarkable how I was able to guide the students to reach their destinations.

You sound as if you are emphasizing that you are a "good teacher." Can you find a different quote?

I learned to design curriculums that taught students to think creatively and openly for themselves.

When did you learn and from where did you learn? Give more detail.

SESP not only provided me with the best secondary teacher preparation program, but I also was able to focus on my other passion - in human development and psychological services."

SESP not only provided me with the best secondary teacher preparation program, but also with programs in human development and psychological services, where my other passion lies. just a suggestion.

The essay is really creative and interesting. With some revision, I think this will definitely be the scoring essay :)

I would love it if you could take a look at my essay:
sportybluei   
Dec 23, 2009
Undergraduate / The store as a reflection of the world - Williams essay - looking through a window... [10]

white-collar workers purchasing cigarettes

how about something like salarymen purchasing cigarettes after their long day at work? I don't really see connection of white-collar workers and cigarettes..

It was in the middle of downtown Toronto, so we get all kinds of people

we got all kinds of customers

their attire, attitude, language

language? you mean the languages they speak? maybe you should explain more on that.. and how you know what language they speak..

I'm not sure where exactly this passion will take me, but I know it will lead me to understand and help someone in some way.

I liked the very last sentence of your essay, but I didn't particularly like the sentence that came before that, the sentence I quoted. 'I'm not sure' part makes the rest of the essay less "important," if you know what I mean.

But otherwise, I loved the general feel of the essay, very smooth and warm. I think Williams will like this essay

I would really appreciate it if you comment on mine too :)
sportybluei   
Dec 23, 2009
Undergraduate / Stanford Supplement Suggestions: Describe something intellecutally stimulating [6]

Although I have always loved this new age music, (I've begun making it as well)

Having ( ) part is distrupts the flow of your essay.. try to find a way to nicely put it into your sentence.

this new age music

you are referring to Nine Inch Nails and Daft Punk, right? Make that part clearer and try to explain more what a 'new age music' is. Also, I don't really get how new age music contrasts with electronic music, even though you talk about the sinusoidal graphs (which makes me even more confused..).

I see how your essay can be opaque, but it can definitely improve with your further explaining of new age music and electronic music, and how they contrast to each other.

Otherwise, the essay was really interesting. :)

I would love it if you could also take a look at my essay.
sportybluei   
Dec 23, 2009
Undergraduate / Essay on making observations -Common app essay (just looking for a quick review) [4]

feeling cool air entering my lungs, but exiting warm, tasting a recent dinner lingering in my mouth, and listening to the silence if the night.

a little awkward with the "but".. I know what you mean trying to compare the cool air and the warm air in your mouth.

listening to the silence of the night
that's what you meant, right?

It was so quiet, I imagined myself hearing the clouds float along the sky

a run-on sentence..
It was so quiet that I felt like I could hear the clouds float in the sky would be better.

I began to wonder how this scene would look if we were different. For instance, what if we could see more than visible light with the naked eye?

I think you need to have another paragraph starting with the quoted sentence.

Your essay really interests me, especially when you talk about how video games inspired you..
sportybluei   
Dec 23, 2009
Undergraduate / "marching band camp" An essay of how I spent my summers [4]

Thank you for your valuable comment, Simrath. I'll definitely work on my conclusion.

But I'm also kind of sad that you didn't understand my approach. At the end, I was trying to tie together my emphasis on the importance of being a passionate individual (through my experiences in the world affairs camp and in the journalism camp) and on the importance of being cooperative and responsible as a member of a group (through my consecutive marching camp experiences). Do you think this approach might be hard for readers to understand? If then, I should focus on one activity, like you mentioned.
sportybluei   
Dec 23, 2009
Undergraduate / "marching band camp" An essay of how I spent my summers [4]

Please tell us how you have spent the last two summers (or vacations between school years), if not already detailed in the Common Application. (2500 characters max)

Any suggestions will be greatly appreciated. :)

I spent a very memorable two weeks of my summer of 2008 at a camp called "Global Scholars," where I met a diverse group of students and counselors who were enthusiastic about understanding the world around them, and about what they could offer in making the world a better place. Our discussions on topics like US-Saudi Arabia relation, war on terrorism, and China's policy on AIDS, opened my eyes to different ideas and perspectives. Also, through "Campaign Idol," my friends and I had a unique opportunity to present our ideas on the rehabilitation of child soldiers.

After the breathtaking Global Scholars experience, I moved onto my first marching band camp. Under the scorching sun, our band started building the year's show, "1964." I learned the basics of marching, of gently rolling my feet across the grass and keeping my chin high, with many others' help. On the last day of the camp, we successfully performed two out of the four parts of the show in front of the crowd, just what we were aiming for. Though my first ever, the performance was less nerve-wracking than I expected, as I realized marching was a collaborative effort of those on the field.

My summer of 2009 was also at two places away from home. I went to a journalism workshop, because I wanted to explore various fields of journalism, including newspapers, televisions, and radios, which were all part of my daily life. I had a chance to ask political journalists about their career paths, learn how to do a stand-up reporting, and develop my writing skills. The most exciting part was, however, meeting inspiring people of my age who were deeply passionate about what they loved, whether it was writing for the school newspaper or taking pictures for the school yearbook.

In August, I returned to the school marching band camp, with more experience and sense of responsibility. As a senior, I tried to help incoming freshmen marchers with basic marching skills and with adjusting to the camp environment, by remembering what was difficult for me as an inexperienced member the year before. Our seemingly endless, sweaty rehearsals at the camp paid off by having a great full performance of "Fiddler on the Roof" a month later.

Not only were both summers simply a break from doing schoolwork, but also a time for me to think about the importance of being passionate as an individual and of being cooperative and responsible as a member of a group. Those two summers will remain irreplaceable from my memory.
sportybluei   
Dec 23, 2009
Undergraduate / COMMON APP ESSAY FOR DARTMOUTH, UPENN, NORTHWESTERN AND OTHER SCHOOLS [37]

No, I love your word choices, and the general spontaniety of your essay. I also like your simple straightforward, dreamy writing style. But I was just giving a suggestion to shorten your essay, but tying your sentences up, because you seemed to be describing every single thought that goes through your mind, which overlaps at times. You can still have what you want to say in the essay by definitely shortening the essay. Paralysis spontaniey tranquility are abstract terms, but they are the main ideas of your essay, so I'm not saying you should delete them from your essay. :)
sportybluei   
Dec 22, 2009
Undergraduate / COMMON APP ESSAY FOR DARTMOUTH, UPENN, NORTHWESTERN AND OTHER SCHOOLS [37]

Sorry if I hadn't made that clear. I didn't mean complex literally as in complicated. I was rather referring to the grammar, like compound sentences complex sentences. And for the flowery language..

As I continued to work, a latent external force seemed to pick up and guide me [...] [...] knowing there is a form of prosperity staring at you all the time.

This paragraph could be a good example.

Also, what do you mean by abstract vocab being too flowery, you talking about words like paralysis, tranquility, spontaneous, or do you mean phrases like latent external force and framed mindset and apex of science?

I would consider both "abstract." You do have a lot of real-life details in your essay, but there seems to be an overflow of the abstract language.
sportybluei   
Dec 22, 2009
Undergraduate / UPenn Teacher's Autobiography '...with a loud bang, I toppled a pile of books' [5]

So you want to be a history teacher! I could definitely feel your passion for it while I was reading. Since this is supposed to be a part of your autobiography, I think this essay is beautiful in terms of your descriptive, vivid language.

Some parts I want to comment on:

From the back of the class I heard someone ask "you brought donuts for us, again?," my usual form of bribery. "

, as donuts were my usual form of bribery to the students would be better.

a box marked "HATS," or maybe even better put "imagination caps."

a box marked "HATS," or rather, "imagination caps."

Little did they know this was the beginning of their education-their real education.

this is a little ambiguous. So everything else that you provided them was NOT a real education?

instead of the more ubiquitous and feared AP US history textbook

textbooks
sportybluei   
Dec 22, 2009
Undergraduate / COMMON APP ESSAY FOR DARTMOUTH, UPENN, NORTHWESTERN AND OTHER SCHOOLS [37]

I love your writing style, the conciseness of every sentence. It gives that spontaneous, lively feeling, as if you were next to me and talking to me.

However, I see how that can be the reason you seem to have trouble with the length of the essay. You need more complex sentences (especially in the third and in the seventh paragraph) in your essay.

Also, there are too many abstract vocabularies, that could make your essay seem too flowery.
sportybluei   
Dec 22, 2009
Undergraduate / "Coming to America" (How has your family influenced who you are) [5]

Great story! :)

I think you could focus your introduction and your conclusion about your grandmother, more than your family's hard work, because the body paragraphs are wholly focused on your grandmother. And if you would give real-life detail for the third paragraph, the essay would be great. Give some of your examples of what kind of struggle you went through, and how you overcame those obstacles.
sportybluei   
Dec 22, 2009
Undergraduate / Pratt Personal Statement - Design [3]

Hi Laurel!

The first sentence, "have been heavily encouraged" part is a little ambiguous/awkward. You were encouraged by whom? Maybe you could phrase it differently into something clearer. The second sentence is a run-on sentence.. you could make it into two different sentences.

In the second paragraph, you focus too much on describing InnerSpark (almost more than half of the paragraph), rather than what you learned through the program. And give detail to the last sentence, in describing how it provided you with confidence.

In the third paragraph, you sound less independent than you are, because of the first sentence "Because of the exposure my family gave me.." Again, you could phrase it differently. :)
sportybluei   
Dec 22, 2009
Undergraduate / Brown essay; why drawn to the academic fields you indicated [3]

Please tear up this essay, thank you :)

Why are you drawn to the academic fields you indicated in the Anticipated Degree and Academic Interest questions above? (limit: 1000 characters)

Ms. Lim called the twenty-six letters she wrote on the blackboard, the "English Alphabet." They looked strangely beautiful to the third grader's eyes. Six years later, those eyes sparkled with curiosity again, when they saw a poster of neatly written Hiragana, or the Japanese Alphabet, on the classroom wall. However, both times were only beginnings to the long journey that would still continue today.

Learning English and Japanese on top of my mother tongue, Korean, introduced me to the immeasurable depth of every language in encompassing culture and history. But as I delve further into these languages, I am even more fascinated by their universal nature of being able to communicate human emotions and thoughts through literature. I hope studying comparative literature and translation in college will bring me closer to understanding the human race, across time periods, languages, and national boundaries.
sportybluei   
Dec 22, 2009
Undergraduate / My New "Job" / Odyssey of the Mind - Being A Big Sister, common apps essay (own topic) [5]

Your essay is really touching. :) I loved it. I have a little brother of my own, too (but we don't have that much age difference).

I feel like you are trying to squeeze in your activities in the 5th paragraph (the Children's reading club activity actually related to your essay though in the 4th paragraph). Without those, the essay still shows the tenacious, persevering side of you.

Also, the essay is somewhat repetitive in the sense that you say you learned a lot from trying to "teach" your brother, especially throughout the last 3 paragraphs. The last 3 paragraphs are too wordy too.

If you shorten your essay, that would be really nice! Keep up the good work!! =]
sportybluei   
Dec 22, 2009
Undergraduate / a job as a newspaper carrier - Common Application short answer (Activity) [6]

Actually the tone isn't so negative. Don't worry! I just thought it would be better if you reworded or rephrased the "monotonous" part, and the last sentence as well, because you already mentioned you not being enthusiastic about your prospective job in the beginning.

I'm going through the same trouble with the ending, I understanding what you mean. :)
sportybluei   
Dec 22, 2009
Undergraduate / a job as a newspaper carrier - Common Application short answer (Activity) [6]

I agree with Dana, in that the last sentence is a little awkward. Maybe you could phrase it differently. =]

Also, you could bring down the negative tone in some parts, such as the "monotonous" part, and emphasize the positive side of your job. If you word those differently, your essay will be great! I like it, because it's really descriptive.
sportybluei   
Dec 22, 2009
Undergraduate / AP Biology book. I am caught in life, utterly inescapable life - "How did you get Caught" [9]

I think your essay is really interesting! But when you say "how can life as we know" doesn't really make sense to me. Biology = life as we know? If you make the analogy clearer, that would be nice, becuase your introduction is a nice hook to the essay! =]

In the second paragraph, I think you should change your tone when you are discussing your friends' goals. You sould as if you are "better," which I know you didn't really mean.

The third paragraph, really, only repeats the ideas of the first and second paragraph (except the very last sentence). The paragraph seems too wordy, too.

Overall, I get your idea, but I think you could definitely shorten the essay and still have the same main idea.

Your approach is really interesting, so keep it up! =]
sportybluei   
Dec 22, 2009
Undergraduate / I Cheated on My Wife (Number). U of I essay. [11]

I think your essay is really interesting, especially with the beginning. But I don't really get the part how you "cheated" on numbers. How about giving specific details and real-life examples? If you make that part clearer, I think your essay will be better. Also, if you could focus on how you can make the world better, that would be nice. Your ideas are interesting overall, but you need more details.
sportybluei   
Dec 21, 2009
Undergraduate / Common app essay, free topic "The Beauty of Translation" [10]

Thanks Lyolya, again!

My question was what made me feel different when I finished the story, even though it had the same plot. I should make that clear, right?

Should I involve more literary works in the essay or should I just expand more on 'why I want to be a translator' part? I felt if I included more works, then the essay would be without details, and only have the flowery adjectives.
sportybluei   
Dec 21, 2009
Undergraduate / "Stronger" - Name an influential person: My Father (Common app essay) [7]

Thank you!

I do think I need some of my story, but I'm not sure where to put that. Should it be somewhere in the 5th paragraph? I tried to put my perspective in all of the paragraph, but I guess there is no real-life detail to the perspective.