paranormale
Dec 30, 2009
Undergraduate / Boston U [Why Boston and Three Words About You]; Needle/ knot/ paper [11]
I have returned!!!
With a revision. :]
I have returned!!!
With a revision. :]
paranormale
Dec 30, 2009
Undergraduate / Common app essay : embarrasing time (Do I answer the prompt? feedback) crit back [15]
Hey there, thanks for looking at my essay.
First off, I really enjoyed your essay. Very well written and very vocal. :]
Substance wise theres not much I can tell you except to beefen up your last paragraph. It end seems exceptionally weak after such a strong essay. Try saying more about how you changed.
"It is not so much him as an individual I strongly dislike, but rather his inventions."
I think you should change "inventions"to "writings" because Twain was a writer, not an inventor. He invented the work, yes, but it just sounds a bit off.
"Eager to work, I joined my group mates at a member's house."
And that's pretty much it! Hope I helped. Good luck! :D
Hey there, thanks for looking at my essay.
First off, I really enjoyed your essay. Very well written and very vocal. :]
Substance wise theres not much I can tell you except to beefen up your last paragraph. It end seems exceptionally weak after such a strong essay. Try saying more about how you changed.
"It is not so much him as an individual I strongly dislike, but rather his inventions."
I think you should change "inventions"to "writings" because Twain was a writer, not an inventor. He invented the work, yes, but it just sounds a bit off.
"Eager to work, I joined my group mates at a member's house."
And that's pretty much it! Hope I helped. Good luck! :D
paranormale
Dec 30, 2009
Undergraduate / "speaking your mind is very important" - U of Florida [13]
Don't worry about this essay not being personal statement material. It is.
It's not as radical as you may think it is. :]
However, there are a couple of things you have to fix. One, is to make your shyness sound better. You listed all these things you missed out on because of your shyness but you never explained why you were shy. You should also spend some time making the beginning of your essay sound more positive.
I really enjoyed your last paragraph but your last sentence was really weak. You went from talking about yourself to talking about college students in general. It ended the essay on an impersonal note which is kind of empty.
Overall, it was good read. Good luck, and I hope I helped some. :D
Don't worry about this essay not being personal statement material. It is.
It's not as radical as you may think it is. :]
However, there are a couple of things you have to fix. One, is to make your shyness sound better. You listed all these things you missed out on because of your shyness but you never explained why you were shy. You should also spend some time making the beginning of your essay sound more positive.
I really enjoyed your last paragraph but your last sentence was really weak. You went from talking about yourself to talking about college students in general. It ended the essay on an impersonal note which is kind of empty.
Overall, it was good read. Good luck, and I hope I helped some. :D
paranormale
Dec 30, 2009
Undergraduate / BU supp essay -- who I am in three words. [7]
Hey there. :D
Your essay was well written but there are a few things you could probably fix. First thing was, I didn't know what your three words were. I had to read the essay twice before I realized they was in the first sentence. I think the problem was that you didn't reference those words in you essay and it threw me off. Since you have your three words so early on in the essay try to reference them later so that the reader remembers what they are.
Secondly is the flow in your essay between paragraphs is a bit choppy. Try to smooth that out with different sentences.
There weren't any grammar things I could fix, so good job on that. :]
I hope I helped a bit. Take a look at my BU essay if you have the time. Thanks!
Hey there. :D
Your essay was well written but there are a few things you could probably fix. First thing was, I didn't know what your three words were. I had to read the essay twice before I realized they was in the first sentence. I think the problem was that you didn't reference those words in you essay and it threw me off. Since you have your three words so early on in the essay try to reference them later so that the reader remembers what they are.
Secondly is the flow in your essay between paragraphs is a bit choppy. Try to smooth that out with different sentences.
There weren't any grammar things I could fix, so good job on that. :]
I hope I helped a bit. Take a look at my BU essay if you have the time. Thanks!
paranormale
Dec 30, 2009
Undergraduate / A song for a spike - my Common app essay - "Volleyball" [9]
Hey there. Thanks for looking at my essay. :D
"I always get to sleep with a book, possibly "The Alchemist " or one of Remarque's novels, peacefully resting on my chest. "
"it is spotlessand sparkly."
You can keep "and sparkly" if you want. That's just my suggestion.
"That is not a rare thing to hear, at least not as unique as practicing Archery or Judo."
I feel this sentence isn't really necessary in context with the rest of your essay.
"My sane, critical thinking [what?] was telling me to quit."
I'm guessing another word belongs here? ;]
"I still stood there..."
That's what I saw. Good luck! :D
Hey there. Thanks for looking at my essay. :D
"I always get to sleep with a book, possibly "The Alchemist " or one of Remarque's novels, peacefully resting on my chest. "
"it is spotless
You can keep "and sparkly" if you want. That's just my suggestion.
"That is not a rare thing to hear, at least not as unique as practicing Archery or Judo."
I feel this sentence isn't really necessary in context with the rest of your essay.
"My sane, critical thinking [what?] was telling me to quit."
I'm guessing another word belongs here? ;]
"I still stood there..."
That's what I saw. Good luck! :D
paranormale
Dec 30, 2009
Undergraduate / Boston U [Why Boston and Three Words About You]; Needle/ knot/ paper [11]
Thanks for your suggestions guys!
I'll be sure to revise it. :]
Thanks for your suggestions guys!
I'll be sure to revise it. :]
paranormale
Dec 30, 2009
Undergraduate / Born in Taiwan - Williams Supplement - Looking Through A Window [7]
Hey there, you had a well written essay. Just a few things on tenses. You have to remember what tense to use with each word. Like here:
"Every morning, I would look out of the fourteenth floor apartment, I would see endless rows of cars on the streets, "
You used to look out of the window, so it's already happened. Use "would" instead of "could".
"The streets full of vendors and pedestrians became the goats and horses on nearby farms."
"Trying to merge the two worlds has proved to be as difficult as trying to combine the farm scenery with Taipei's city lights."
Hope I helped. Good luck :D
Hey there, you had a well written essay. Just a few things on tenses. You have to remember what tense to use with each word. Like here:
"Every morning, I would look out of the fourteenth floor apartment, I would see endless rows of cars on the streets, "
You used to look out of the window, so it's already happened. Use "would" instead of "could".
"The streets full of vendors and pedestrians became the goats and horses on nearby farms."
"Trying to merge the two worlds has proved to be as difficult as trying to combine the farm scenery with Taipei's city lights."
Hope I helped. Good luck :D
paranormale
Dec 30, 2009
Undergraduate / Boston U [Why Boston and Three Words About You]; Needle/ knot/ paper [11]
Boston U wants to know...
In five or six sentences, tell us how you first became interested in BU and what steps you have taken to learn more about us.
I first learned about Boston University through one of my pen pals in Boston. He understood my interest in international relations and told me BU would be a perfect match for me. I looked into it and lo and behold, BU had much of what I was looking for in a school: a good international relations and political science program, an urban setting and a its very own Quidditch team! What more could I possibly want? Since then I've spent a considerable amount of time pouring over the BU website and pamphlets. My family and I originally planned on visiting the campus over the summer but were eventually unable to. However, I keep in hope in my heart that I'll one day see BU as a student. Until then, my pen pal can just keep sending me pictures...
In an essay of no more than 500 words, please select three words that describe you best and tell us how you will use these qualities/characteristics to contribute fully to the BU community.
What can I say? I, like many other people, don't enjoy talking about myself. I can never decide on what to say. I'm also just as confused as to how to describe myself, in three words no less. English teachers have always told us, "Show, don't tell." in our essays. But just how do I show you who I am with only three words? Regardless! After countless hours of contemplation I finally found words that I feel describe me surprisingly well. I'll admit they're not adjectives, but I feel these words can describe me and my characteristics much better than any adjective could.
Needle. I not much of a seamstress but I am no stranger to the needle. People use it because they want things to be precise, down to the very last piece of loop of thread. That's what needles are about, details, and frankly so am I. I'm one of those people who notice books that are placed incorrectly on shelves and can tell the difference between the colours peach and cream. I have a deep fondness for the smaller things in life, the things that are usually looked over. I believe that when accomplishing a task every aspect of it should be completed, no matter how insignificant it may seem.
Knot. We can all agree that without the knot, mankind would not be where it is right now. By looping string or rope we can fasten things together, makes a secure hold, and create a longer rope. But what has always made knots so valuable are that they're reliable. I'd like to think of myself as a knot, reliable, a person you can trust to get a job done and done well. When assigned a portion of work in a group project, I make it my best effort to get my share done so my group mates won't lose sleep over it. I strive to always do my part wholeheartedly.
Paper. Another important innovation for mankind and it's easy to see why. Paper has so many uses, it's the easiest way to store information, it can be used in packaging and it's occasionally used as food. I liken myself to paper because I'm just as versatile. I am a musician who loves performing the most passionate of music, an athlete who constantly strives for improvement and a news junkie who's idea of a lovely evening is sitting at home watching CNN.
I believe these words showcase my best qualities. Qualities I can use to help others in the BU community. The BU community itself is diverse and unique. I hope to make it even more so, by noticing the small things, being dependable and being flexible. There are many things I can't wait to teach the BU community, and I'm sure, there are countless things the community has to teach me as well.
(477 words)
I'd like to know...
What you thought of it. Please and thank you! :D
Boston U wants to know...
In five or six sentences, tell us how you first became interested in BU and what steps you have taken to learn more about us.
I first learned about Boston University through one of my pen pals in Boston. He understood my interest in international relations and told me BU would be a perfect match for me. I looked into it and lo and behold, BU had much of what I was looking for in a school: a good international relations and political science program, an urban setting and a its very own Quidditch team! What more could I possibly want? Since then I've spent a considerable amount of time pouring over the BU website and pamphlets. My family and I originally planned on visiting the campus over the summer but were eventually unable to. However, I keep in hope in my heart that I'll one day see BU as a student. Until then, my pen pal can just keep sending me pictures...
In an essay of no more than 500 words, please select three words that describe you best and tell us how you will use these qualities/characteristics to contribute fully to the BU community.
What can I say? I, like many other people, don't enjoy talking about myself. I can never decide on what to say. I'm also just as confused as to how to describe myself, in three words no less. English teachers have always told us, "Show, don't tell." in our essays. But just how do I show you who I am with only three words? Regardless! After countless hours of contemplation I finally found words that I feel describe me surprisingly well. I'll admit they're not adjectives, but I feel these words can describe me and my characteristics much better than any adjective could.
Needle. I not much of a seamstress but I am no stranger to the needle. People use it because they want things to be precise, down to the very last piece of loop of thread. That's what needles are about, details, and frankly so am I. I'm one of those people who notice books that are placed incorrectly on shelves and can tell the difference between the colours peach and cream. I have a deep fondness for the smaller things in life, the things that are usually looked over. I believe that when accomplishing a task every aspect of it should be completed, no matter how insignificant it may seem.
Knot. We can all agree that without the knot, mankind would not be where it is right now. By looping string or rope we can fasten things together, makes a secure hold, and create a longer rope. But what has always made knots so valuable are that they're reliable. I'd like to think of myself as a knot, reliable, a person you can trust to get a job done and done well. When assigned a portion of work in a group project, I make it my best effort to get my share done so my group mates won't lose sleep over it. I strive to always do my part wholeheartedly.
Paper. Another important innovation for mankind and it's easy to see why. Paper has so many uses, it's the easiest way to store information, it can be used in packaging and it's occasionally used as food. I liken myself to paper because I'm just as versatile. I am a musician who loves performing the most passionate of music, an athlete who constantly strives for improvement and a news junkie who's idea of a lovely evening is sitting at home watching CNN.
I believe these words showcase my best qualities. Qualities I can use to help others in the BU community. The BU community itself is diverse and unique. I hope to make it even more so, by noticing the small things, being dependable and being flexible. There are many things I can't wait to teach the BU community, and I'm sure, there are countless things the community has to teach me as well.
(477 words)
I'd like to know...
What you thought of it. Please and thank you! :D
paranormale
Dec 29, 2009
Undergraduate / "ecstasy with smells" - Lafayette Supplement: describe a creative interest [2]
I love your essay simply because I'm just as passionate about smells. You, are now officially awesome to me. ;]
"They are the foulest smells, an extract of what you have eaten,drunken , smoked and all the unwanted compounds that your body exhales from your skin. All of it warmly welcoming bacteria to worsen them."
The part after "skin" is my suggesting you don't have to use it. But you should make the last part a separate sentence.
"Although foul scents irritate me, I appreciate all smells I hear."I'm not sure if this is intentional or not, but I'm pretty sure you can't hear smells. So if it's intentional make it intentional or change it to "smell" :]
The end is a unfinished and unrefined and that's ok. However the statement about abhorring the study of cosmetics and fashion should be left out.
Hope I helped! If you have time, please take a look at my essay too! Good luck. :D
I love your essay simply because I'm just as passionate about smells. You, are now officially awesome to me. ;]
"They are the foulest smells, an extract of what you have eaten,drunken , smoked and all the unwanted compounds that your body exhales from your skin. All of it warmly welcoming bacteria to worsen them."
The part after "skin" is my suggesting you don't have to use it. But you should make the last part a separate sentence.
"Although foul scents irritate me, I appreciate all smells I hear."I'm not sure if this is intentional or not, but I'm pretty sure you can't hear smells. So if it's intentional make it intentional or change it to "smell" :]
The end is a unfinished and unrefined and that's ok. However the statement about abhorring the study of cosmetics and fashion should be left out.
Hope I helped! If you have time, please take a look at my essay too! Good luck. :D
paranormale
Dec 29, 2009
Undergraduate / Common App: Personal Statement (Brass Buddy) [8]
Thanks Katlyn and LeShawn!
And LeShawn, don't worry about the boring part offending anyone, every tuba player in the world knows what I'm talking about. ;]
I kinda summarized my lessons in my last paragraph here. Tell me how it fits.
"Yes, I play a rather unconventional instrument. It's large, it's in charge and it's my mentor. I may not be the greatest tubist in the world, in my state, or even my school, but I know I've gained much from playing the tuba. And I know that I'll be able to take the lessons in responsibility, patience, and confidence I've gained from it, no matter where I go."
Thanks Katlyn and LeShawn!
And LeShawn, don't worry about the boring part offending anyone, every tuba player in the world knows what I'm talking about. ;]
I kinda summarized my lessons in my last paragraph here. Tell me how it fits.
"Yes, I play a rather unconventional instrument. It's large, it's in charge and it's my mentor. I may not be the greatest tubist in the world, in my state, or even my school, but I know I've gained much from playing the tuba. And I know that I'll be able to take the lessons in responsibility, patience, and confidence I've gained from it, no matter where I go."
paranormale
Dec 29, 2009
Undergraduate / Books, historical event, roommate - Stanford Profile Questions and Short Essays [9]
Wow, Stanford's asking a lot aren't they?
"Less because of his unique voice, but because of the signifigance of the lyrics he wrote which always have the finger on the pulse of time, in the past and today."
"Besides these two Newspapers, I enjoy sports (especially soccer) magazineswhereas . The German professional journal "Kicker" is my favorite."
"Thinking about my favorite event during the last years, there is only one thing that immediately comes to my mind: The moment when my plane from Frankfurt to Houston , left the ground and took to the skies. In that moment I realized my dream was coming true and that my new life would start right now.?"
Hope I helped! Good luck!
Wow, Stanford's asking a lot aren't they?
"Less because of his unique voice, but because of the signifigance of the lyrics he wrote which always have the finger on the pulse of time, in the past and today."
"Besides these two Newspapers, I enjoy sports (especially soccer) magazines
"Thinking about my favorite event during the last years, there is only one thing that immediately comes to my mind: The moment when my plane from Frankfurt to Houston , left the ground and took to the skies. In that moment I realized my dream was coming true and that my new life would start right now.?"
Hope I helped! Good luck!
paranormale
Dec 29, 2009
Undergraduate / Sandalwood Keychains [3]
Your essay answers the question don't worry about that. It's good. :]
"My brother and I would groan, and my father would chuckle , but continue on: "In life..." The subjects of his philosophical lectures range from self-improvement to "unlocking the secret to happiness."
" I would smile to myself, "Don't worry, Appa, I will." "
Be really careful of tenses, there are a couple of times in your essay where you lose track of them. Make sure you know what's happening in the present and what's happening in the past.
" (Furthermore, my lab group performed the three-day rat dissection with one glove. I was traumatized.)"
This particular statement can be left out, or taken out of the parenthesis. Having such a large statement in the middle of your essay really disrupts the flow.
Good luck! I hope I helped some. If you have time, take a look at some of my essays as well! :D
Your essay answers the question don't worry about that. It's good. :]
"My brother and I would groan, and my father would chuckle , but continue on: "In life..." The subjects of his philosophical lectures range from self-improvement to "unlocking the secret to happiness."
" I would smile to myself, "Don't worry, Appa, I will." "
Be really careful of tenses, there are a couple of times in your essay where you lose track of them. Make sure you know what's happening in the present and what's happening in the past.
" (Furthermore, my lab group performed the three-day rat dissection with one glove. I was traumatized.)"
This particular statement can be left out, or taken out of the parenthesis. Having such a large statement in the middle of your essay really disrupts the flow.
Good luck! I hope I helped some. If you have time, take a look at some of my essays as well! :D
paranormale
Dec 29, 2009
Undergraduate / Common App: Personal Statement (Brass Buddy) [8]
Once again,I hate to be a bumper of threads but... I'm really hoping someone will edit this.
Once again,I hate to be a bumper of threads but... I'm really hoping someone will edit this.
paranormale
Dec 29, 2009
Undergraduate / Common Application Essay: My Father and his Influence [2]
Hey there! :D
Overall I thought it was a good essay. A little generic yes, but you pull it off nicely. Here are just a few things you could fix:
"He frequently tells me there is nothing more rewarding than educating the next generation, and giving them a fighting chance in the real world."
"My father's work ethic and devotion to learning has trickled down to me as well. "There is no free lunch" has become the code that I live by. The most important life principle that I learned from my father is to follow the Golden Rule: "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you."
I feel like after these sentences there should be something else... Like why it's the most important principle you live by. Because it went from talking about work ethic to the Golden rule. It kinda leaves me hanging.
Hope I helped! Good luck, and if you have time, please take a look at my essay too!
Hey there! :D
Overall I thought it was a good essay. A little generic yes, but you pull it off nicely. Here are just a few things you could fix:
"He frequently tells me there is nothing more rewarding than educating the next generation, and giving them a fighting chance in the real world."
"My father's work ethic and devotion to learning has trickled down to me as well. "There is no free lunch" has become the code that I live by. The most important life principle that I learned from my father is to follow the Golden Rule: "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you."
I feel like after these sentences there should be something else... Like why it's the most important principle you live by. Because it went from talking about work ethic to the Golden rule. It kinda leaves me hanging.
Hope I helped! Good luck, and if you have time, please take a look at my essay too!
paranormale
Dec 29, 2009
Undergraduate / Reverie - NYU supplement - 2050 movie on your life [9]
I don't know how well that movie plot will flow with NYU since it's the entire plot of a major book in a pretty famous series...
Other than that, there's just a few grammatical things here and there.
"Reverie - a drug that induces lucid dreams."
Here's a few ways to shorten it up:
"No onewoke up anymore."
"People were told to close their eyes and sleep and simply dream , for the drug allows complete control of the dream.
Your poem is fine. It's ok if its a little vague. It's poem after all!
Hope I helped! Good luck!
I don't know how well that movie plot will flow with NYU since it's the entire plot of a major book in a pretty famous series...
Other than that, there's just a few grammatical things here and there.
"Reverie - a drug that induces lucid dreams."
Here's a few ways to shorten it up:
"No onewoke up anymore."
"People were told to close their eyes and sleep and simply dream , for the drug allows complete control of the dream.
Your poem is fine. It's ok if its a little vague. It's poem after all!
Hope I helped! Good luck!
paranormale
Dec 29, 2009
Undergraduate / Common App: Personal Statement (Brass Buddy) [8]
Thank you!
The flow does kinda look choppy now that I look at it...
Your revisions sound interesting. I'll keep them in mind. :]
Thank you!
The flow does kinda look choppy now that I look at it...
Your revisions sound interesting. I'll keep them in mind. :]
paranormale
Dec 29, 2009
Undergraduate / Whitman supplement :my understanding of diversity gained from Chinese history [2]
Hey there, I know it's tough trying to write essays in a language that's not your own, but you did well.
"My reorganization of this thought was informed from studying of Chinese history."
First off, this sentence is much too wordy. As a Chinese speaker I can understand grammatically what you're trying to say but it's hard to grammatically piece this together in English. Try to use simpler words, the readers don't want the person with the biggest vocabulary, they want an essay.
"I know this through my studies of Chinese history."
This makes more grammatical sense.
"During 770B.C to 221B.C, which is also called China's Spring and Autumn period and Warring states period, ancient China society was changing from slavery tothe feudalism."
"In an inclusive and elective community, where people can hear different opinions and improve themselves through learning from each other."
Hope I helped! A lot of your issues can be fixed with some more attention to grammar. Good luck!
Hey there, I know it's tough trying to write essays in a language that's not your own, but you did well.
"My reorganization of this thought was informed from studying of Chinese history."
First off, this sentence is much too wordy. As a Chinese speaker I can understand grammatically what you're trying to say but it's hard to grammatically piece this together in English. Try to use simpler words, the readers don't want the person with the biggest vocabulary, they want an essay.
"I know this through my studies of Chinese history."
This makes more grammatical sense.
"During 770B.C to 221B.C, which is also called China's Spring and Autumn period and Warring states period, ancient China society was changing from slavery to
"In an inclusive and elective community, where people can hear different opinions and improve themselves through learning from each other."
Hope I helped! A lot of your issues can be fixed with some more attention to grammar. Good luck!
paranormale
Dec 29, 2009
Undergraduate / Why Brown short answer- Neuroscience department and freedom! [6]
We meet once again. :D
"Thus, I love the possibilities for independent studiesat Brown , especially the unique opportunity for Independent Neuroscience Research - an opportunity that I would not let slip."
Try not to use "it" to far from the subject, we get confused as to which noun you could be referring to.
"Brown also amazes me with the freedom it radiates: the open curriculum is the epitome of it."
I am very confused right here. Is it the sense of freedom Brown radiates? Also, the "it"s again. What is "it" in this sentence?
Hope I helped! Take a look at mine if you have some time. :]
We meet once again. :D
"Thus, I love the possibilities for independent studiesat Brown , especially the unique opportunity for Independent Neuroscience Research - an opportunity that I would not let slip."
Try not to use "it" to far from the subject, we get confused as to which noun you could be referring to.
"Brown also amazes me with the freedom it radiates: the open curriculum is the epitome of it."
I am very confused right here. Is it the sense of freedom Brown radiates? Also, the "it"s again. What is "it" in this sentence?
Hope I helped! Take a look at mine if you have some time. :]
paranormale
Dec 29, 2009
Undergraduate / I Cheated on My Wife (Number). U of I essay. [11]
Haha. Yes, "so" should be before the "I". XD
Haha. Yes, "so" should be before the "I". XD
paranormale
Dec 29, 2009
Undergraduate / I Cheated on My Wife (Number). U of I essay. [11]
Love your essay. It's rather funny. ;]
Now a big thing is that I feel like although it's funny, it strays here and there. Make sure to stay on topic. You also have to watch out for grammar and tense usage. Here are some examples:
"or I so thought?"
It sounds a little off without the "so" in there.
"I became interested in business initially because I thought business could lead me into all the candies I wanted! "
"Though my thoughts have changed since I grew up ,but it was not until recently I truly understood what business is about."
Hope I helped! Good luck. :D
Love your essay. It's rather funny. ;]
Now a big thing is that I feel like although it's funny, it strays here and there. Make sure to stay on topic. You also have to watch out for grammar and tense usage. Here are some examples:
"or I so thought?"
It sounds a little off without the "so" in there.
"I became interested in business initially because I thought business could lead me into all the candies I wanted! "
"Though my thoughts have changed since I grew up ,
Hope I helped! Good luck. :D
paranormale
Dec 29, 2009
Undergraduate / Essay for Appalachian State..Open Forum.. [4]
I hope you get that college education you're looking for. :]
Speaking of college education. You use those words a lot in your essay try to switch it up a bit. Like "getting a college degree" or simply just "an education" would make it sound less repetitive.
"I do not want to follow in my elders footsteps, but instead I intend to create a new path that not only I, but my younger siblingsas well, can follow."
"I anticipate that doing soit will lead me to a fuller, more affluent life in the long run."
I hope I helped! Good luck!
I hope you get that college education you're looking for. :]
Speaking of college education. You use those words a lot in your essay try to switch it up a bit. Like "getting a college degree" or simply just "an education" would make it sound less repetitive.
"I do not want to follow in my elders footsteps, but instead I intend to create a new path that not only I, but my younger siblings
"I anticipate that doing so
I hope I helped! Good luck!
paranormale
Dec 29, 2009
Undergraduate / Sleep: intellectual vitality + Dial: future roommate - Stanford Short Essays [4]
1. I can see where you're going with on this answer, but it's a rather far stretch relating it back to your experiences with sleep. I'm supposing the girl you're talking about is you. But you never really say that directly. I have to assume and so will the readers of this essay. Try to make it more personal and I think it'll turn out grand. :]
2. I would've never thought of a time machine. Nice thinking with that!
There's not much on the grammatical side I can correct. Although the end of your second paragraph:
"These are the days that will make you want to know me, but this is not where the journey ends. "
Sounds slightly off put together. May suggest you split the two into two sentences then use however in place of "but"?
Hope I helped! Good luck!
1. I can see where you're going with on this answer, but it's a rather far stretch relating it back to your experiences with sleep. I'm supposing the girl you're talking about is you. But you never really say that directly. I have to assume and so will the readers of this essay. Try to make it more personal and I think it'll turn out grand. :]
2. I would've never thought of a time machine. Nice thinking with that!
There's not much on the grammatical side I can correct. Although the end of your second paragraph:
"These are the days that will make you want to know me, but this is not where the journey ends. "
Sounds slightly off put together. May suggest you split the two into two sentences then use however in place of "but"?
Hope I helped! Good luck!
paranormale
Dec 29, 2009
Undergraduate / "Alzheimer" QUESTIONS AND ANSWERS - JHU major essay [21]
Thanks for looking at my essay!
"It is surprising that science, with itsgalloping techniques , has got no answer to these questions, yet."
Do you mean galloping advances in techniques? Because techniques usually don't gallop.
"I am excited about how much there is yet to be discovered, but, truthfully, what I am most excited about is how important these discoveries would be for the people. People. I love people."
This particular part seems very repetitive simply because the word people is used so many times in succession. I suggest rewording it. But if you want to keep it like that I also suggest putting the word people by it's lonesome. To make it stand out more to the reader.
"I am excited about how much there is yet to be discovered, but, truthfully, what I am most excited about is how important these discoveries would be for the people.
People.
I love people... "
I hope I helped! Good luck!
Thanks for looking at my essay!
"It is surprising that science, with itsgalloping techniques , has got no answer to these questions, yet."
Do you mean galloping advances in techniques? Because techniques usually don't gallop.
"I am excited about how much there is yet to be discovered, but, truthfully, what I am most excited about is how important these discoveries would be for the people. People. I love people."
This particular part seems very repetitive simply because the word people is used so many times in succession. I suggest rewording it. But if you want to keep it like that I also suggest putting the word people by it's lonesome. To make it stand out more to the reader.
"I am excited about how much there is yet to be discovered, but, truthfully, what I am most excited about is how important these discoveries would be for the people.
People.
I love people... "
I hope I helped! Good luck!
paranormale
Dec 29, 2009
Undergraduate / Common App: Personal Statement (Brass Buddy) [8]
I choose the the six choice in the Common App essay: Topic of your choice.
I scrapped my other personal statement and started over. Let me know your thoughts on it!
I realize my essay's a little long... Rip it apart if need be. Please and thank you! :D
"It's kind of big," they say.
I know.
"How do you carry it?" they ask.
I just do.
"How much does it weigh?" they wonder.
I have no clue.
"It" is a tuba.
Now I don't understand...
I choose the the six choice in the Common App essay: Topic of your choice.
I scrapped my other personal statement and started over. Let me know your thoughts on it!
I realize my essay's a little long... Rip it apart if need be. Please and thank you! :D
"It's kind of big," they say.
I know.
"How do you carry it?" they ask.
I just do.
"How much does it weigh?" they wonder.
I have no clue.
"It" is a tuba.
Now I don't understand...
paranormale
Dec 26, 2009
Undergraduate / JHU Supplement Essay - Why Writing Seminars? [6]
Oh. Well thank you!
Combining the those two paragraphs would probably be the best idea right now. Maybe add a sentence about the Renaissance Academy in the middle to make it flow better.
Oh. Well thank you!
Combining the those two paragraphs would probably be the best idea right now. Maybe add a sentence about the Renaissance Academy in the middle to make it flow better.
paranormale
Dec 26, 2009
Undergraduate / JHU Supplement Essay - Why Writing Seminars? [6]
More JHU people! :D
Ok, I love your essay. It's very person, you have a wonderful voice and it really portrays why you want to go to JHU.
On the other hand however, it was a long essay to read through. If I were to suggest you leave out anything it would be a majority of your second paragraph.
"There they designed my extra curriculum, designed to help me with my most crippling field. They showed me exercises to understand the rules of grammar and had me read complete novels in order to learn how others express themselves. They gave me the tools I needed to use this language which had so paralyzed me before."
I feel like this part of your essay is the most irrelevant part to your journey towards an English major. Other than that I feel like I can give you no more advice on your essay. :] If you have time, could you take a look at my essay as well?
Good luck!
More JHU people! :D
Ok, I love your essay. It's very person, you have a wonderful voice and it really portrays why you want to go to JHU.
On the other hand however, it was a long essay to read through. If I were to suggest you leave out anything it would be a majority of your second paragraph.
"There they designed my extra curriculum, designed to help me with my most crippling field. They showed me exercises to understand the rules of grammar and had me read complete novels in order to learn how others express themselves. They gave me the tools I needed to use this language which had so paralyzed me before."
I feel like this part of your essay is the most irrelevant part to your journey towards an English major. Other than that I feel like I can give you no more advice on your essay. :] If you have time, could you take a look at my essay as well?
Good luck!
paranormale
Dec 26, 2009
Undergraduate / "I can have a sense of security" - JHU Supplement Help [6]
I'm also doing an application for JHU. Yay!! Take a look if you want. :D
First things first, if you're looking to make it shorter than the easiest thing you can do is to completely cut out the second to last paragraph. The one about why you want to go to JHU. Because the essay topic doesn't ask for it. Just to state why you chose or didn't choose a major. That paragraph is just extra on your essay right now.
The first paragraph is very detailed and descriptive but in the end I still ended up reading it and having no idea what was going on. Were you dissecting something? Someone? Make that clearer and it'll be a grand opening paragraph.
As for your last question, I'd have to say yes.
Good luck!
I'm also doing an application for JHU. Yay!! Take a look if you want. :D
First things first, if you're looking to make it shorter than the easiest thing you can do is to completely cut out the second to last paragraph. The one about why you want to go to JHU. Because the essay topic doesn't ask for it. Just to state why you chose or didn't choose a major. That paragraph is just extra on your essay right now.
The first paragraph is very detailed and descriptive but in the end I still ended up reading it and having no idea what was going on. Were you dissecting something? Someone? Make that clearer and it'll be a grand opening paragraph.
As for your last question, I'd have to say yes.
Good luck!
paranormale
Dec 26, 2009
Undergraduate / 'invigorating history' - Stanford (intellectual vitality) - Berlin [7]
I like the majority of the essay one thing I don't particularly like is this sentence:
"Ironically the jump from one half to the other is done simply by crossing a now happy and colorful wall that still reminds the city's residents of the devastating events the city went through, along with the monuments to the victims of the Holocaust, and the run-down buildings which have managed to survive the attacks of the Second World War. "
What I don't like is that it's well... One sentence. It's really heavy. Try to break it up into two sentences because that particular part of your essay was difficult to read.
I like the majority of the essay one thing I don't particularly like is this sentence:
"Ironically the jump from one half to the other is done simply by crossing a now happy and colorful wall that still reminds the city's residents of the devastating events the city went through, along with the monuments to the victims of the Holocaust, and the run-down buildings which have managed to survive the attacks of the Second World War. "
What I don't like is that it's well... One sentence. It's really heavy. Try to break it up into two sentences because that particular part of your essay was difficult to read.
paranormale
Dec 26, 2009
Undergraduate / Common App:Personal Statement (Am I portraying the right image?) [5]
Yeah,that's what I thought too.
The admissions might see it negatively rather than positively. Oh poo...
Any thoughts on how to make that rambling on colours less... rambling?
Yeah,that's what I thought too.
The admissions might see it negatively rather than positively. Oh poo...
Any thoughts on how to make that rambling on colours less... rambling?
paranormale
Dec 26, 2009
Undergraduate / Common App:Personal Statement (Am I portraying the right image?) [5]
I choose topic number six on the Common App: Topic of your choice.
(Tear it apart if need be. Please and thank you!)
"Lift, snap, sniff, repeat. Lift, snap, sniff, repeat."
A bunch of nonsensical verbs to most people but for me, it's the bimonthly soundtrack to my never-ending quest to find the perfect smelling shampoo. Some call it being picky. I call it olfactory evaluation. I enjoy good smelling hair and in all seriousness, I can never decide whether "lemongrass" or "strawberry smoothie" smells better.
Throughout history mankind has frowned upon indecision. (He who hesitates is, supposedly, lost.) However, I see my hesitance to commit to such things, such as shampoo scents, as a central part of who I am.
I want to enjoy every option. With color. I simply can't decide on a favorite. Sure, I have to pretend on occasions that I have a favorite color because some Internet quiz wants to know, but deep down, I could never choose one color over another. How can I possibly decide with all of those colors out there? They're all beautiful, each and every one of them. And it's their culmination that makes colors wonderful, not a singular color. It's times like this that I enjoy my indecision. I can never favor one color or another, but I can enjoy all of my options equally.
I want to see both sides of the story. In politics. I don't see in black and white. With every issue, there's always a story with real people and real lives. In my mind things can't just be as clear-cut as yes or no. I don't place myself in a political party simply because I am hesitant on issues from both sides. Each has their merits and downfalls. I agree with one party more than the other, however that doesn't mean I don't share ideals with those in other parties. I find that because I have yet to designate myself a party I can look at both from a more holistic viewpoint. I can't decide whose views are right, but I can understand them.
I want to find the best choice for me. On music, it took me an eon to decide on an instrument. I adore my tuba now and have never made a better choice than to play it. However, discovering my instrument took much longer than anyone else. Forcing myself to explore every instrument until I found the one I could truly make music with. I couldn't decide what was better, but I did find the best for me.
I've come to discover that not every decision I've had to make has been as monumental as my next shampoo. But I know that when I make my next decision it will be well thought out, planned and executed. Even if it does take me half a year to think it through.
I choose topic number six on the Common App: Topic of your choice.
(Tear it apart if need be. Please and thank you!)
"Lift, snap, sniff, repeat. Lift, snap, sniff, repeat."
A bunch of nonsensical verbs to most people but for me, it's the bimonthly soundtrack to my never-ending quest to find the perfect smelling shampoo. Some call it being picky. I call it olfactory evaluation. I enjoy good smelling hair and in all seriousness, I can never decide whether "lemongrass" or "strawberry smoothie" smells better.
Throughout history mankind has frowned upon indecision. (He who hesitates is, supposedly, lost.) However, I see my hesitance to commit to such things, such as shampoo scents, as a central part of who I am.
I want to enjoy every option. With color. I simply can't decide on a favorite. Sure, I have to pretend on occasions that I have a favorite color because some Internet quiz wants to know, but deep down, I could never choose one color over another. How can I possibly decide with all of those colors out there? They're all beautiful, each and every one of them. And it's their culmination that makes colors wonderful, not a singular color. It's times like this that I enjoy my indecision. I can never favor one color or another, but I can enjoy all of my options equally.
I want to see both sides of the story. In politics. I don't see in black and white. With every issue, there's always a story with real people and real lives. In my mind things can't just be as clear-cut as yes or no. I don't place myself in a political party simply because I am hesitant on issues from both sides. Each has their merits and downfalls. I agree with one party more than the other, however that doesn't mean I don't share ideals with those in other parties. I find that because I have yet to designate myself a party I can look at both from a more holistic viewpoint. I can't decide whose views are right, but I can understand them.
I want to find the best choice for me. On music, it took me an eon to decide on an instrument. I adore my tuba now and have never made a better choice than to play it. However, discovering my instrument took much longer than anyone else. Forcing myself to explore every instrument until I found the one I could truly make music with. I couldn't decide what was better, but I did find the best for me.
I've come to discover that not every decision I've had to make has been as monumental as my next shampoo. But I know that when I make my next decision it will be well thought out, planned and executed. Even if it does take me half a year to think it through.
paranormale
Dec 25, 2009
Undergraduate / Small school community - How were you made aware of Barnard College? [3]
Your essay is how should I say... generic. Your reasons to attend Barnard were never elaborated upon. Any person can say the exact same things in their essay. You should probably describe that "community vibe" you felt, explain why you think that Barnard is in an "outstanding location" and you should describe the "plethora of diverse activities" you participate in.
Just give your essay a little more meat and you should be fine. Good luck!
Your essay is how should I say... generic. Your reasons to attend Barnard were never elaborated upon. Any person can say the exact same things in their essay. You should probably describe that "community vibe" you felt, explain why you think that Barnard is in an "outstanding location" and you should describe the "plethora of diverse activities" you participate in.
Just give your essay a little more meat and you should be fine. Good luck!
paranormale
Dec 25, 2009
Undergraduate / STANFORD- Roommate essay (observe the people you hang out with) [7]
Some of my other friends just go with the flow. No plan on what they are going to do whatsoever. I don't like that. I guess I need things to have a date, a time and a place, or plans end up not happening, which leads to something that I cannot stand: inefficiency.
These sentences in particular give a negative appeal to your friends. You state twice that you don't like what they are doing. Try to use softer words there and be specific that you're describing your friends' traits and not your friends. Because right now it sounds like you can't stand your friends rather than their inefficiency.
Some of my other friends just go with the flow. No plan on what they are going to do whatsoever. I don't like that. I guess I need things to have a date, a time and a place, or plans end up not happening, which leads to something that I cannot stand: inefficiency.
These sentences in particular give a negative appeal to your friends. You state twice that you don't like what they are doing. Try to use softer words there and be specific that you're describing your friends' traits and not your friends. Because right now it sounds like you can't stand your friends rather than their inefficiency.
paranormale
Dec 25, 2009
Undergraduate / JHU Supplement Essay (50 majors across the Art and Sciences schools) [8]
Thank you both very much. :D
anhammod: When you say the last paragraph needs some tweaking do you mean grammatically or substance wise?
Thank you both very much. :D
anhammod: When you say the last paragraph needs some tweaking do you mean grammatically or substance wise?
paranormale
Dec 25, 2009
Undergraduate / "words to describe myself"; All the machinery seems absolutely fascinating [4]
First of all, are you applying to Boston University not U of Boston right? Try not to get mixed up when writing your essay. Getting the name of the school incorrectly is a big boo-boo.
Another suggestion is to write more personally and less academically. Boston U doesn't want to read another cut and dry essay. Put some more personality into it. Also, try to start sentences differently than just with "I was" or "I have" or "I like" The college realizes the essay's about you.
As for the three words... I'd say diligent, cultured and varied.
Good luck on getting in.
First of all, are you applying to Boston University not U of Boston right? Try not to get mixed up when writing your essay. Getting the name of the school incorrectly is a big boo-boo.
Another suggestion is to write more personally and less academically. Boston U doesn't want to read another cut and dry essay. Put some more personality into it. Also, try to start sentences differently than just with "I was" or "I have" or "I like" The college realizes the essay's about you.
As for the three words... I'd say diligent, cultured and varied.
Good luck on getting in.
paranormale
Dec 25, 2009
Undergraduate / STANFORD- Roommate essay (observe the people you hang out with) [7]
I'm with anhammond on this.
Try to portray your friends in a slightly more positive light. You did say at the beginning that your friends are a way of viewing yourself.
You have a very creative essay though. I'd never thought of describing other people to describe myself.
I'm with anhammond on this.
Try to portray your friends in a slightly more positive light. You did say at the beginning that your friends are a way of viewing yourself.
You have a very creative essay though. I'd never thought of describing other people to describe myself.
paranormale
Dec 25, 2009
Undergraduate / JHU Supplement Essay (50 majors across the Art and Sciences schools) [8]
The topic is as follows:
Johns Hopkins offers 50 majors across the schools of Arts and Sciences and Engineering. On this supplement, we ask you to identify one or two that you might like to pursue here. Why did you choose the way you did? If you are undecided, why didn't you choose? (If any past courses or academic experiences influenced your decision, you may include them in your essay.)
In 1975 the British comedy troupe, Monty Python, came out the ageless movie, Monty Python and the Holy Grail. About twenty-six minutes into the movie, the protagonist, King Arthur, comes across a castle filled with Frenchmen. After some fruitless negotiation for supplies the French proceed to ferociously taunt King Arthur and his knights.
"I don't want to talk to you no more, you empty headed animal food trough whopper! I fart in your general direction! You mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries!!"
I have always been somewhat of an analyst. Thus when I saw this movie for the first few times I wasn't thinking of projectile farts and hamster mothers. Rather, I had a multitude of questions.
"Why were the French hording their supplies?"
"Were the English too demanding in their negotiation policies?"
"Was it smart for the French to have later launched a pre-emptive attack on the knights without consent from their leader?"
And the ever-lingering question of: "What were the French doing in England?"
I chose international relations as my intended major because; I wanted to know the answer to those questions and possibly resolve the conflict. (In a real world setting of course.)
Ever since I was in grade school the concept of being able to question has always fascinated me. I wanted answers not just to small inquiries like "Where did the last cookie go?" but the to the big questions like "Where did we come from?" "Why are we here?" The process of connecting the dots and coming up with a holistic conclusion wasn't just a process. It was fun. In eight-grade geography I discovered my passion for countries. All we really did in that class was colour maps. But while colouring those maps I saw world capitals, disputed boarders, countries I had never even heard of. I took those multicoloured maps and studied them. I studied their geography, their cultures, their governments, and I was hooked.
Everyday, governments and people across the globe are interacting with each other and exchanging multitudes of resources and ideas. I wish to understand these exchanges in order to help maintain peace between countries for the betterment of humanity. I hope to see every facet of major international issues to understand the entire story. And above all I want to help those in caught between the conflicts of nations, warfare, poverty or natural disasters. I believe that by majoring in international relations I can become someone knowledgeable enough to achieve these goals. True, these are huge aspirations and probably won't be accomplished by the likes of one person, but at the very least I want to be a part of the solution. I want to study international relations, not only to be of service the world but also to continue my passions. And maybe, in the course of my studies, I'll find my own holy grail as well.
(Rip it apart. Please and thank you!!)
The topic is as follows:
Johns Hopkins offers 50 majors across the schools of Arts and Sciences and Engineering. On this supplement, we ask you to identify one or two that you might like to pursue here. Why did you choose the way you did? If you are undecided, why didn't you choose? (If any past courses or academic experiences influenced your decision, you may include them in your essay.)
In 1975 the British comedy troupe, Monty Python, came out the ageless movie, Monty Python and the Holy Grail. About twenty-six minutes into the movie, the protagonist, King Arthur, comes across a castle filled with Frenchmen. After some fruitless negotiation for supplies the French proceed to ferociously taunt King Arthur and his knights.
"I don't want to talk to you no more, you empty headed animal food trough whopper! I fart in your general direction! You mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries!!"
I have always been somewhat of an analyst. Thus when I saw this movie for the first few times I wasn't thinking of projectile farts and hamster mothers. Rather, I had a multitude of questions.
"Why were the French hording their supplies?"
"Were the English too demanding in their negotiation policies?"
"Was it smart for the French to have later launched a pre-emptive attack on the knights without consent from their leader?"
And the ever-lingering question of: "What were the French doing in England?"
I chose international relations as my intended major because; I wanted to know the answer to those questions and possibly resolve the conflict. (In a real world setting of course.)
Ever since I was in grade school the concept of being able to question has always fascinated me. I wanted answers not just to small inquiries like "Where did the last cookie go?" but the to the big questions like "Where did we come from?" "Why are we here?" The process of connecting the dots and coming up with a holistic conclusion wasn't just a process. It was fun. In eight-grade geography I discovered my passion for countries. All we really did in that class was colour maps. But while colouring those maps I saw world capitals, disputed boarders, countries I had never even heard of. I took those multicoloured maps and studied them. I studied their geography, their cultures, their governments, and I was hooked.
Everyday, governments and people across the globe are interacting with each other and exchanging multitudes of resources and ideas. I wish to understand these exchanges in order to help maintain peace between countries for the betterment of humanity. I hope to see every facet of major international issues to understand the entire story. And above all I want to help those in caught between the conflicts of nations, warfare, poverty or natural disasters. I believe that by majoring in international relations I can become someone knowledgeable enough to achieve these goals. True, these are huge aspirations and probably won't be accomplished by the likes of one person, but at the very least I want to be a part of the solution. I want to study international relations, not only to be of service the world but also to continue my passions. And maybe, in the course of my studies, I'll find my own holy grail as well.
(Rip it apart. Please and thank you!!)
