Writing Feedback / Biology Creative Essay [2]

Good evening :)

What can we help you with here? What kind of assistance are you seeking?

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / Gastronomy is much more than just a hobby for me - extracurricular mini-essay [4]

Good afternoon :)

As I stated before, watch what you start your sentences off with. Avoid beginning your sentences with conjunctive/transitory words such as "but," "so," or "and."

Other than that, I think it is a good piece!

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / "our district championship" - Common App Elaboration--150 words. [2]

Good afternoon :)

This is a very good short response. The only thing I can see is to avoid using contractions, because they are inappropriate in formal academic writing. "Let's" should be "let us."

Other than that, I wouldn't change anything! Great work!

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / help with essay #1: experience with soup kitchen [4]

Since you asked for corrections, that was all I provided in the first posting :)

I think it was a good narrative piece; it flows well and keeps the interest. Adding Jose's story as part of yours was a good choice. I think it will make a good submission piece.

Undergraduate / My Undergraduate essay to FSU [2]

Good afternoon :)

I think your content answers the prompt well, and it is organized, but there are some mechanical problems. First, avoid contractions in formal academic writing; for example, "I've" should be "I have." Second, avoid abbreviations and symbols in formal academic writing. For instance, "&" should be "and." Also, make sure that you are only using one piece of punctuation to end each sentence. For example, "This has been the best day I ever had!" should not have a comma behind it.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / "the cops around my block" - uc prompt 1 [4]

Good morning :)

A few mechanical suggestions first. Avoid contractions in formal academic writing, as they are inappropriate. For instance, "I'm" should be "I am," and "It's" should be "It is."

This is an excellent piece; through your narration of your daily routine you explain exactly how your world has shaped you, without saying, "My world has shaped me by..." Other than those mechanical errors, I wouldn't change a thing. Great job.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / SAIC design statement of purpose; 'As long as there is life, there will be art' [7]

A SOP is a detailed description of the career the applicant intends to pursue after graduation, or a brief and focused essay about one's career or research goals. I'm not sure that this really fits that criteria. While your piece is very intriguing, it contains a lot of expressionistic phrasing, making it not so brief or focused. For example, how does the first statement and the following paragraph describe the career you want to pursue once you graduate, your career, or research goals. If it doesn't fit into those categories, it should be removed.

The SOP is just that; a statement. It should be clear, concise, and to the point. It really isn't the appropriate place for this much creative writing material. You really don't start scratching that surface until the third paragraph. Then, in the fourth paragraph you're off the path again, and you don't really get back on for the remainder of the piece.

Keep the focus and purpose of the statement of purpose in mind when rewriting, and you'll do much better.

Best of luck!

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / "Born and raised in Abu Dhabi" - UC prompt 1 - Off topic?? Advice needed. [18]

Good morning :)

I cannot tell you whether or not this piece is off topic because you didn't post the prompt/assignment requirements. In the future, please do so in order for myself and others to give you the most effective assistance.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / help with essay #1: experience with soup kitchen [4]

"I woke up half-consciously at 6:30 A.M. to the sound of my alarm. Thinking that the alarm was set to the wrong day, I went right back to sleep. After a few minutes, I suddenly remembered that I had signed up to volunteer at the Fishes and Loaves soup kitchen in Santa Ana, California."

During my visit to soup kitchen, my view towards homeless people changed completely. Whenever I saw homeless people on the streets, I always tried my best to ignore them. I used to think they were scary and dangerous. I hoped for a job at the kitchen that required minimum communication."

"SoAvoid beginning sentences with conjunctive/transitory words such as "so," "but," or "and." , with my time and effort I felt that I could make their lives better."

Undergraduate / Why Energy Engineering? - Will you review my admission essay [2]

Good morning :)

As you didn't include the prompt/assignment for this piece, I have edited the first section and then made some more general comments in regards to the remainder of the piece:

"Why Energy EngineeringThese aren't proper nouns so they shouldn't be capitalized. ? The aspiration to contribute to the research and development of efficacious green energy (Remove comma) and the craving to secure future in one of the fastest growing fields is the answer to the above question. As a dintI'm not sure if this is the right word here; "dint" usually means "by force" or "by force of," so I'm not really sure if it fits or not. of fulfilling these objectives, the master's program in Energy Engineering at xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx is a good fit for me.

Mathematics, science, and technology have always fascinated me right from my school.This is awkward; reword. This immense interest led me to choose an undergraduate course in engineering, specifically Electronics and Communication Engineering. Since these courses require an extensive knowledge of applied science, computer science, and mathematics, I thought it would be a great opportunity to excel my interests. Furthermore, I believe that my educational background has instilled in me the qualities required to meet the rigor of this demanding profession. Majoring in Engineering has provided a strong foundation in Mathematics and ComputerProgramming."

Make sure that if the word isn't the first word of a sentence or a proper noun it isn't capitalized. There are many words improperly capitalized in this piece; on the other hand, there are words that aren't capitalized that should be.

Make sure you are using the proper linking verbs and transitory words, such as "be," "as," "is," and "are." For instance, "I dealt with software as part..."

Avoid beginning your sentences with conjunctive/transitory words such as "so," "but," or "and."

Watch your use of commas. Remember that commas are used when listing items in a series, or to connect two main clauses.

In regards to content, it is difficult for me to say whether or not this piece is appropriate for the prompt, as I don't know what that is. As a standalone piece, it is very well organized, and you explain each point thoroughly. Your introduction is interesting, and your conclusion does tie up the piece.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / Describing a time in which your friends and teachers supported you through a tough time [15]

Good morning :)

OK, let's see:

"Spring semester of my junior year, I enrolled in a geography class. I was not particularly interested in geography; I was afraid at first, but with time (Remove comma) I made new friends and adjusted to my new teacher. Mrs. Jorden changed my studies and learning experiences dramatically, even getting me interested in African drumming.

Undergraduate / "Helping Sebastian" - UC Prompt #1 [2]

Good morning :)

As you didn't include the prompt or what type of assistance you are seeking, I can only make some general comments in regards to your piece.

Mechanically and grammatically, the piece is clean; the only change I suggest making is that "seatbelt" gets changed to "seat belt"; it is two words.

In regards to content, this is a great response. It is organized, flows well, is sequential, is very easy to read, has a very catchy introduction and ties up with a wonderful conclusion. This tale does show how you handle difficult situations very concisely. I think this will be a great submission. Nice work.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / 'art in my life' - Florida State .."Vires Artes Mores" [2]

Good morning :)

Your opening is very strong; it works well. The quote highlights your meaning well; I would keep it. I think your explanation of the stage and your experiences reflect art in your life well, as do your other examples. You have discussed in some depth how you have evolved throughout your life and how art has played a part in that growth. Your conclusion is good, but could be better. For example, how will these qualitites help you fit perfectly into Florida State?

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / The Indian society, help with prompt #1.... [4]

That sounds like it will be an effective addition; make sure that you include enough detail to tell the story, but not get off topic or focus so much on this story that it diverts the focus of the piece.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Book Reports / The book Ishmael - An Idea on a thesis and introduction [8]

You're welcome :)

"In the book Ishmael, written by Daniel Quinn, Ishmael consistently shows how our civilized society has been born and founded from a myth of how we came to be. The world was made for Man, therefore the world belongs to Man and we can do whatever we want to it because we own the world. Man's destiny is to rule the world and overcome the limitations that Mother Culture has chained us to . Humans are fundamentally bound to screw up, therefore we need a prophet to whom we can seek answers."

This is a great paragraph. Have you written the conclusion yet?

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / Describing a time in which your friends and teachers supported you through a tough time [15]

Good evening :)

"Spring semester of my junior year (Remove comma) I enrolled in a geography class. I was not particularly interested in geography; moreover, I did not know anyone. My teacher, Mrs. Jorden, changed my mind. In class I got hands on experience with African d rums."

Much smoother!

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Grammar, Usage / writing question - is this sentence correct? [6]

Good evening :)

"Stop- I was not going to follow science or math; either would mean a career without a future. Especially in Peruvian society, where happiness can only be achieved though a process of social status escalation."

You're welcome.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / essay about experience [6]

I think it's great in regards to content and readability; your organization and structure look good as well. The whole piece flows easily and isn't difficult to read. You also have good tone and voice.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / essay about experience [6]

This is much better, more appropriate for their question. It is a bit lengthy though, with lots of details and background information. This isn't necessarily a bad thing, but when you have a word count restriction to keep in mind, it has to be taken into consideration.

I think if you remove this section:

"Regardless of the possible reasons, she was still selling the plant and nuts on a chilly day. I imagined her to have sat there on the floor the whole morning waiting for a sale. Could the two dollars really have mattered that much? Was it really worth sitting the whole day outside when it was cold? It shows the severity of the woman's situation and the extent the old woman was willing to go in order to feed the child. What if it were her last few days? I doubt she would like to spend those last days sitting there selling the items because I certainly would not have. Regardless whether it was her last days or not, the elderly woman had the responsibility of taking care of herself and the child sitting with her.

The child must have gone to school, and when not in school she must be sitting with the woman outside. The reason for two people to watch the small setup could be in case one had to use the bathroom. The child must sit there alone in the event the woman must go to the bathroom, and face possible humiliation from her classmates that may happen to see her. How could they understand? Some of her classmates may have never had to face such hardships. The absolute mortification of having to sit on that floor to have a chance at some sort of a meal for dinner and to be looked down upon as inferior to the rest."

You will drastically reduce the word count without harming the essay. That takes off about 250 words; what is the limit?

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / Cross Country; most exhilarating experience; Extracurricular Activity [2]

Good afternoon :)

"For me, Cross CountryThese are not proper nouns and shouldn't be capitalized. has been one of the most exhilarating and worthwhile experiences throughout high school. The sport has truly taught me how to push myself to the limit. I know that no matter how tired I am and how much I want to give up and quit that I still have something left inside. This knowledge has not only helped me achieve success in running, but also in the classroom. In my junior and senior years(Remove comma) our team won the state championship.

Nice work; very descriptive, even in spite of such a restrictive word count!

Undergraduate / The Super Student, a person who had an influence on me - admission essay [4]

Good afternoon :)

A few suggestions:

"During the weekend he reads the new comic books for the week and spends time with his friends."

"In AP Calculus BC and AP Physics , he..." These aren't proper nouns, so they shouldn't be capitalized.

"..lightning-fast " Flash." During..."

In regards to your content, forgive me, but I'm not really familiar with comic books characters, so it is difficult for me to tell if Michael Driscoll is a character, or your persona :)

If it is your persona, this is a great piece; very creative. If he is something else, I apologize in advance :) !

Your examples are good; very detailed. Your organization is great and it is very easy to read. Great job!

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / 'I was two months pregnant' - A decision that has changed my life [2]

Make sure you are capitalizing the first words of every sentence. "so" should be capitalized.

At this point your conclusion is confusing because you don't really explain yourself adequately through the essay. You open the piece up by discussing an abortion, yet carry on the rest of the piece from the point of view of a single mother. Did you have another baby, or are you presenting a "what if" scenario? Please clarify, because I have a feeling this would be a great essay if only we could follow it better.

Undergraduate / Jackie essay - Demolish my essay or work with it. [3]

I think if you explain to your audience that responsibility is reflected in your life now, that will be more clear. It is best not to assume that your audience knows what you mean; go ahead and spell it out for them.

I think this draft is much better. Keep up the hard work!

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Research Papers / Research paper on drug testing for athletes [6]

Good afternoon :)

What about the changing makeups of the drugs? For example, for every new test being developed, there is some scientist out there creating a drug that will not be detected. Or, what athletes will get tested? Should it be a blanket statement for all involved in college extracurricular? What about chess team members that use memory enhancing drugs and supplements like ginko? I like your idea of consequences; perhaps you can do some research as to what the current procedures for x number of schools are. That would be interesting. What about the glorification/example professional athletes play in this? For example, don't college athletes aspire to be professional, therefore what happens in the pros has an effect on organized collegiate sports?

Hope that helps!

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Graduate / Graduate Essay-Why do we need a Semiotic Methodology of Theatre? UNFINISHED [2]

Good afternoon :)

As this is not within my area of expertise, I have made comments in regards to grammar and mechanics. Perhaps another member here can assist you with content, or you can also run the piece by someone in your class in regards to the content. You can also retain a paid writing service, which could assist you with writing, research, and content.

The title of the piece should be formatted as such:

"Why do We Need a Semiotic Methodology of Theatre?"

You include many quotes in the piece, but hardly any citations. Make sure you do so to maintain credibility and avoid any accusations of plagiarism.

When using quotation marks, make sure that you are using quotation marks (") and not the apostrophe (') and that all of your punctuation is inside of the quotation marks when appropriate. Also, make sure that if you are quoting an entire sentence, that the first word of the sentence is capitalized.

Make sure you are properly using the apostrophe, mainly when you are speaking in terms of possession: "The spectators reaction" is a reaction owned by the spectators, so an apostrophe should be used. "The spectator's reaction" or if you are referring to multiple spectators, "The spectators' reactions."

Make sure that all of your sentences have ending punctuation; the last sentence in the piece does not.

Your organization looks clean, each topic seems to have its own paragraph. I'm not sure what your thesis statement is though, it seems that you have more of an introductory-type of paragraph rather than an actual thesis statement. The statement should begin broadly, encompassing the many items you will discuss in your paper, and then narrow down to the actual statement, which should be one sentence.

Looks like you're off to a great start! Best of luck!

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / UC prompt 1---multiculture in school and my contribution [2]

Good afternoon :)

As you didn't include the prompt for this essay or what kind of assistance you are seeking, I have made some general comments.

First, avoid contractions in formal academic writing. For instance, "I'm" should be "I am."

Second, avoid beginning your sentences with transitory/conjunctive words such as "but."

Third, avoid abbreviations such as "etc." When making a list, complete this list.

Your essay is very organized, with a good intro and conclusion. Your content is well organized and flows nicely. It is very easy to read.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / Columbia / prudent adventurer ~~~I need suggestion~ [2]

Good afternoon :)

Since you didn't describe what kind of assistance you were seeking, I have some very general suggestions.

First, watch your use of quotation marks. For instance, I 'flew' from the top of a ladder with a pair of 'angel's wings', which was my favorite Christmas gift, and unluckily, broke my leg. This made my mom a little upset, 'SHE is a girl, isn't SHE?!'

Should be:

I "flew" from the top of a ladder with a pair of angel's wings, which were my favorite Christmas gift, and unluckily, broke my leg. This made my mom a little upset, "She IS a girl, isn't SHE?"

"...I took part in swimming, painting, and speech..."

"...have kept learning how to..."

I'm not sure if your essay is finished or not; if so, make sure your conclusion is its own paragraph and that it is clearly the ending of your essay, so your audience knows you are finished.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / "striving to major in a certain area" - UC prompt 1 - i need help [2]

Good afternoon :)

First, a mechanical suggestion: avoid contractions in formal academic writing; for instance, "wouldn't" should be "would not."

So, how have your parents and this transformation shaped your dreams and aspirations? What will you do during your college years and after?

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / "MC in Valentines Day event" - UC transfer applicants prompt #1 [2]

Good afternoon :)

I have edited the first section and then provided some more general comments in regards to the remainder of the piece:

"M..m..ma..my name is Jenny!" These four words, actually seven words, are all I have spoken in front of my friends and their families. By the time I was in kindergarten, family night event was held and it was a night to bring families together at school of fun activities that every one could enjoy.When I was in kindergarten, the family night event was held and it was a night to bring families together at school for fun activities that everyone could enjoy. We had to introduce ourselves for a minute by telling our names, our hobbies, what our favorite foods were, and so on; however, I found my face turning red like an apple and I could see my face was saying "I'm embarrassed, I want to go home!"I didn't know what to talk about when it was my turn. I have this on tape, and every holiday when my family and relatives get together (Remove comma) we watch this film and they all laugh at my very brief introduction."

If the MC event is the event that had the most impact on you, you should only use it in the piece. These other stories provide too much unnecessary background for this prompt. Focus on this one event and then spend the main bulk of your essay discussing the prompt; what your intended major is, and what you gained from the involvement with this single event. Yes, it is fine to state your actual intended major in a piece such as this.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / The Indian society, help with prompt #1.... [4]

I believe part of this prompt is to explain how this world has molded, shaped, and changed you. You describe these two environments at length, but don't spend much time on how you have transformed; this transformation should be the focus of your piece. You start out to do this with the first sentence of your last paragraph, but you need to evaluate deeper, with more explanation. How will you "use these resources to (their fullest) potential"? This deserves more explanation.

Undergraduate / My Team, This is who I am. Prompt two. [2]

I have edited the first section and then given you some general comments in regards to the rest of the piece:

"It was a team..." is it still a team of this many? Make sure you are staying in the same tense; this makes it sound like the team doesn't exist anymore, but the rest of your piece sounds like it is; please clarify.

"complains" should be "complaints."

"...person complains quitting the team, the..." should be "...person complained about wanting to quit the team, the..."

"..there was no better ways than..." should be "...there were no better ways than..."

I think the piece is a good answer to the prompt. Your conclusion wraps up the whole piece and again reminds your audience of the prompt; very good. There are some rough spots throughout the piece but if you keep in mind that your subjects and verbs must agree (as in the third example) and that your tense should stay consistent throughout, you will be fine.

Undergraduate / I had my first experience in sales and merchandising ; FIT App [2]

Good afternoon :)

I have edited the first section of your piece and then given some more general suggestions as to the rest of it:

"If I had to describe Dongdaemoon market to someone who had never been to Seoul, I would tell them to picture a small circle very near the center of a much larger circle. The smaller circle is the market area, and the larger is Seoul. Within the smaller circle youAvoid using the pronoun "you" or "your" in formal academic writing. Try using "me," "I," or "one" instead. find several buildings, each reaching between eight to twelve floors (several floors below ground, the rest above), all with wide stances and situated within shouting distance from each other. Each of these floors in each of these buildings are teeming with clothes and accessories, the aisles crammed with shoppers on any given day and the booths overstocked with colorful merchandise, and housing - in its couple square feet of open space - one or two salespeople beckoning the customers like multilingual Sirens (voicing sales pitches in Korean, Japanese, or English, depending on the passing shopper's ethnic appearance). The streets surrounding these buildings are also packed with small shops and streams of tents providing shoppers with a different category of wares with every few steps."

Avoid beginning your sentences with transitory/conjunctive words such as "and."

As you didn't post the prompt with your essay, I'm not sure if this is a good response to it. As an independent piece, it has a good introduction and conclusion; the body is very descriptive and you keep a very good sequence in the narration. Your piece has a very eager tone, showcasing your enthusiasm. Nice job!

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / ' friends with African American students' - Rutgers Essay--Diversity [6]

Good afternoon.

First, some mechanical pointers. Avoid using contractions in your formal academic writings; for example, "didn't" should be "did not."

When using quotation marks, make sure you use the double (") marks and not using the apostrophe ('). For instance, 'categories' should be "categories."

I think this is a great piece. You make yourself the center of the piece rather than others, and keep that focus throughout. You did a great job explaining what you will bring and receive to/from the campus. Great work!

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Research Papers / Global Warming Phenomenon- Research Paper [5]

I really like your introduction; it is catchy, and it lays out a path for the rest of the paper. I think it's a good rough draft, but make sure you are properly citing the quotations and any summarized sections so that your piece keeps its credibility and you don't have problems with plagiarism accusations. Also, to keep the piece organized, make sure that for each subject you begin a new paragraph; that will keep your audience from becoming intimidated before they read the work.

Keep up the good work!

Undergraduate / "Ping pong is serious business" - common app essays [9]

Good afternoon :)

Some suggestions. First, avoid using contractions in formal academic writing. Second, avoid beginning your sentences with conjunctive/transitory words such as "but." Third, since you didn't post the prompt I don't know what you are supposed to be answering, so I'm not sure if your response is a good answer or not. On its own it has a good introduction and conclusion, and the body gives good detail while staying organized. It's a good piece that illustrates a time in your life to your audience.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / essay about experience [6]

Good afternoon :)

While your essay is interesting, I'm not sure it is an appropriate fit for their prompt. It sounds like they want to know of a specific event that effected you, but that might not be obvious to others. What is it exactly in this prompt that serves as the "person, place, or event" in your life that holds that meaning? This reads like a history of your family, with no real focus to it. Make sure that your piece acknowledges and answers each aspect of their question.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / My involvement in theater - Acting was officially my new hobby. UC transfer essay [11]

Good afternoon :)

This is a good foundation to start with; you know what experiences you want to use in the piece. Perhaps instead of going through and describing each event at length, you can include all of the experiences in one brief paragraph, and then spend the rest of the essay discussing the focal point-what you have gained through these experiences. That is the main point of your essay; how you have changed as a person because of the experiences, not the experiences themselves. Therefore, you want to spend as much time as possible discussing the effects rather than the events.

I hope this helps!

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Book Reports / The book Ishmael - An Idea on a thesis and introduction [8]

I suggest giving each of these their own paragraphs, but place one right before the other, using a transitory sentence to connect the two. This will show to your audience that they are related, but yet different subjects that you wish to examine.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / Describing a time in which your friends and teachers supported you through a tough time [15]

I think the first posting is a good answer, but it is tough to tell because it is one long run-on sentence. Break it up into smaller pieces and see how it works.

In regards to the second piece, how about this:

"There was a day in my GeographyNot a proper noun; shouldn't be capitalized. class whenA day is a "when" not a "where." we were doing a section about Africa and Mrs. Jorden told us that we would be learning how to play the type of African drums they used in their music. The next day Mrs. Jorden passed out different types of African drums to every two people in a group as well as handed us notesas to how to play that music. I was messing around with the drums free playing while Mrs. Jorden was handing out the papers to everyone else in the classroom and all of a sudden the class was quiet and I found everyone staring at me. T hen as I looked around everyone was quite listening to me free playing on the African drum. I started looking around as if I was not embarrassed but I could not prevent that as much I thought I was just afraid of talking in class in front of people but I was also shyThis is a confusing run-on. Please rework it. therefore I got so nervous that sweat was dripping down to my face. T hen I heard the words of wisdom from my Geography teacher saying that I had a talent for playing music and that it was OK to be nervous while playing music in front of the class.That was a tough time I have been supported throughThis is awkward; reword it. ."

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Research Papers / SENIOR RESEARCH PROJECT about Michael Jackson --HELP [12]

Good afternoon :)

What are the requirements of this assignment? That will help us plan out an effective outline.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com