Writing Feedback / favor food, why it's so special [10]

Assel and Sofia, Thanks for your advice. I know that a good essay has to have a good lead-in that catches readers' attention. At the begining I wanted to use something like what you just suggested. However, it is not sound like me! I am still learning a good lead-in, not copying other's writing. But before going to that step, I want to make sure my essay doesn't have serious basic grammar errors. So I just try basic, simple English because it is how my writing now. I want to write more beautiful and professional, but it's not beyond my ability.

I didn't write well on the 2 para, but I did explain why I like spaghetti (convenience, easy to cook. It's so special for me because I can spend time with Dad). However, it's not enough what I want to say, I feel that I need to rewrite the para 2, but I don't know how.

Writing Feedback / A good son or daughter has a responsibility to obey parents and keep communication with them [2]

I try to give some suggestions for the first 2 paraghaps

=> Parents sacrifice for their children from birth to until they are alive
=> In last generation, a son followed route what his parents chose and a daughter was told to be a housewife only. However, the situation is changed (I think last generation happens in the past, I would use past tense)

=> New generation wants freedom and..
=> ... important to think about the good qualities of a son...
=> In my opinion, a good son or daughter should obey, communicate, and respect his or her parents in any circumstances.
=> First, I believe that a child should obey his parents' order because they are experienced and they know better what is good or bad for their child.

=> It is their responsiblity to obey their suggetion (Confused sentence, who are they? child or parents?)
=> Parents always sacrifice everything for their child
Although working Moms and Dads spend a great deal of time on their jobs, they spend that money to buy food, cloths and desires for their child.

=> Parents always supres (save) their own desires but try to complete their children's demand (needs)
=> When their children turn come they should at least try to complete little bit their desires. (I don't get this sentence)
=> For example, sometimes parents need to help picking up or buying some stuff(picking up packages, buying grocery, be specific, don't use stuff) from shop or paying bill, so that a child should obey their order without giving any excuse.

Writing Feedback / "Moving into the land of dream" how to improve my narrative essay [8]

Here are some edits
=> It was time to say goodbye!
=> When the airplane arrived in Detroit, we stranded there due to inclement weather
=> ...our night at the Detroit airport and...

Writing Feedback / "Moving into the land of dream" how to improve my narrative essay [8]

Hi Jhoi Go
I just try as much as posible because I myself also need help to, but I can show you some basic grammar errors. I'm looking at your essay quickly then. Goodluck

I like your essay, your feeling like what I felt when I first came here too! Yes, I believe you will be succeed in your learning

=>It's time to say goodbye! My heart began to ache and I started to cry. I remember vividly that day,December 19, 2008, five days before Christmas, the day we left our country. While we were sitting on the airplane from Philippines bound to Greensboro, I was thinking about my family, my friends, and our future. I thought, "Why do we need to go to America? Everything here is fine". I knew that my mother is worried about me. Suddenly I heard my husband talking to me "don't think too much, everything will going to be alright. We will have a beautiful future in America." Yes, I could do many things in Philippines, but I also would be able to do many things in America. When the airplane arrived in Detroit. We stranded there due to inclement weather. So, we needed to spent our night on the Detroit airport and waiting for the next flight going to Greensboro. In (I think "with", but I'm not sure) fourteen hours of journey, I felt so exhausted, tired, and sleepy. When we arrived at the Greensboro airport, my husband's new employer and his associates (co-workers? if you mean the people who work with your husband) patiently waiting for us at the waiting area. They helped us to pick up our luggages. They started introducing one another (if more than 2 people, use one another, if 2 people use each other), and after that we went to a restaurant to get something to eat. Afterward, we had stayed at my aunt's house for almost a month; she(you're talking about your aunt, so you "she", instead of "they") guided (give information, show...) us how to adjust to new live in this country.

=>After a month, we already found a place to stay and started living on our own. During the first two months, I had a great time with my husband and son. I felt like I am really free (use some other word, don't use free, because you had lived free in your country too, use something like "I felt so much better" or " I felt as if I were in a heaven" (just kidding). This is a beautiful country. Everything is different, different language, different food, and different people. Everything was new to me. I was like a new person, who needed to learn many new things. Eventually, it was the time for my son to go to kindergarten. I enrolled him to the public school in Greensboro. Everybody asked me, "How long have you been here? Can you speak English?" Although I studied English in my country, I couldn't understand nor speak at all. I felt like my tongue got numb inside and my body started to shake. I felt so bad that day and very disappointed to myself. Every time I needed to go to somewhere, my husband had to accompanied with me. I couldn't communicate (don't use speak all the time) to anybody because of my limited English. As a result, I began to hate everything in here. I hated people, myself, and my husband, who brought me here to America. I missed my home, relatives, friends, and everything in my native country. Things began worsen. I felt like I would going to go crazy.

=> Worrying about my situation, my husband suggested that I need to go back to school. So that we moved here in Wilmington. The first thing I did was practicing driving. After I got my driver's license, I went to café fear community college to register and I was accepted. I went home with a big smile on my face. Then my confidence got back and I began to like America. Right now I am very happy in CfCC; it is (use "is" because the college still there and still nice)a nice place, the people are nice and friendly. My English is better now but my son still makes fun of ("make fun of" ="teasing" too) me because of my (English,Philipine because "accent~strange") accent. Even though I can't speak English very well, I believe I will be able to speak well someday. I believe the saying "If others can do why can't I" so for me learning has no ending.

Writing Feedback / "Moving into the land of dream" how to improve my narrative essay [8]

There are some gramma errors, I guess. However, here are the 2 paraghaps that I suggest in my way. If I have time, I will comeback for other paraghaps

=> It was Saturday, a family day. (add comma)
=> Waking up by the morning light with the thick coffee aroma filling into the room, I yawned but still laying down because of my laziness.(combine 2 sentences, use past tense)

=> I could feel the tender, warm sun wrapping around me; then, I stood up nearly tumbling from the lost of balance and went down the stairs.

=> There, I saw my husband drinking coffee and reading the newspaper at the same time (no comma before and)
=> My Son, Christian, was as usual watching T.V while eating his cookies.
=> To get some fresh air, I stepped outside. (add comma, you are not comparing, so don't use in the other hand)

=> It was summer time in my country.
=> I felt like a boiling egg in the sun. My black hair was hot when I touched[; the asphalt had strange mist coming out.] (in this sentence you are talking about your hair, so don't combine with asphalt, there are 2 different things, so you better combine something like this [I felt like a boiling egg in the sun; even though, my hair was extremely burn when I touched it]

=> I flopped into a chair with a cold cup of lemonade, but I still couldn 't handle the hot air. So, I wanted to go to my room, but (while,as...) when I was in the middle of the stairs way, I saw my husband was talking on the phone. I didn't want to interrupt him but as I heard the words, "America, moving, and working there", so I noticed. Shockingly, I looked at him and waited until he finished talking. When he had done, I began to ask him a lot of questions "Are we moving? How about our business? What about your work?" I asked so many questions, and my husband explained them to me carefully. However, I still didn't want to leave my country. Ever since, it was his dream to come and live in America. He said that there is a lot of oppurnity living in the land of freedom. Thinking about moving just made me burst into tears. I began to call my parents and my husband's relatives to let them know we had had a decision to leave our own country.

Writing Feedback / "The attraction of New York City" - A meaningful Place [7]

Thank your for your help. How about the rest of my essay. I thought I should make more mistakes at the end of it. Do I stay on the topic this time????

Grammar, Usage / Sample of combining sentences; Need advice. [14]

Combination words (like: text book vs textbook OR work place vs workplace)?

Hi people!
Sometimes I don't know some combination words such as text book or textbook, work place or workplace???? Both are correct or what?

Essays / How to start an essay about a trip to remote island and bring 3 emergency instrument? [9]

Basic grammar: You should capital all letter at the begining of a sentence and capital after a period, and capital letter I, yourself=>"If I am alone on a remote island I would survive if I bring satellite phone,solar battery charger and water purifier because these instruments can save me..."(finish introduction)

=>"in this essay,i would like to analyse that why these instrument are important to bring with myself.
the first item i bring is satellite phone." Omit this one, don't say "in this essay", readers know this is your essay. Since you already say you will bring satellite phone in the intro, do not repeat it again. Now follow Kevin outline

2)I will survive if I bring the satellite phone because....
Moreover, my suggestion is you need to read or search a little bit of "how to write 5 paragrahps essay! Maybe it would help before you start to write your own. It took me a few years to learn how to write a simple essay too, and I still have been learning! GOOD LUCK

Writing Feedback / "The attraction of New York City" - A meaningful Place [7]

"My mother's house" - my favorite and meaningful place

Please read and give me idea on this essay. I think I should give more detail on this, but please read it first. Thank you

topic: meaningful place

My most favorite place has always been my mother's house. This is the place I would have to go almost every summer vacation. The place was not only where I spent my childhood but also came to see my beloved mother once a year.

Our family's story is quite long. My father was a lieutenant. He was forced to leave the country when the Communist took over the South of Vietnam, leaving behind my mother and her four months pregnancy of me. At a time my father had never thought that he could come back nor reunite with us. Therefore, he has remarried. However, life is changing. My father could be able to come back when I was twelve. Unfortunately, my father could not sponsor my mother to the United States as of his legal wife, but me. I was sponsored to America and separated from my mother since then.

At age twelve, I had realized the separation was a huge sadness of my life. I did not want to leave a peaceful, special place where it made me feel safe and warm. I have never forgotten the smell of coffee that my mother made every morning, before she had going to work nor never can I forget the aroma of roses and jasmines from her garden. I still remember helping my mother watered her flowers every morning, before going to school. The flowers not only gave us pleasant smell but also great income when it was ready for harvest.

Moreover, most of my favorite from the garden was a herbal tree that its leaf could be used for washing my hair. Because we were living in poverty, we could not afford to buy shampoo, so my mother used to steam the herbal leaf to wash my hair, giving them a shinny back and healthy looking. I could smell my mother home-made shampoo lingered in my hair for a few days. After washing my hair, my mother would take a comb and make them in braids. She had always made sure that I was neat and clean.

Moreover, my mother's house is old. Most of its paint is faded and chipped away. Even though its roof is licked, but it has been so precious to me. Coming back to my mother house, I find myself snuggle in my mother's love and care. Her garden is still blooming and fragrance in the summer time. Yet, instead of my mother who does washing my hair like the old day, I would be the one who does the washing for my mother; enjoying the special moment and seeing the tear of happiness come from my mother eyes. Still, this place is the most meaningful for me.

Undergraduate / "I always take advice from my mom who knows me best" - Essay for uta help. [2]

To me this essay is not a complete one. Outline it first before you are going to write.
!)Introduce
-----
2)First reason why my mom is the important person for me
--------
3)Second reason
-----------
4)Third reason
----------
5)Conclusion
=>
In life one will meet a lot of people and make new friends
"through my short life"=>why do you have a short life?
"And many people have already passed through my short life"=> I have been met many people in my life.
"but the one that constant has always been mom".=> you miss an adj here
=>my hero, however, is my mom
"And many people have already passed through my short life, but the one that constant has always been mom. Many hardships and difficulties will occur l."=> I would change the whole thing to this: "I have been met many people in my life, but the one who constantly helping me during my hardships and difficulties is my mom. She has always been a hero to me." Something like this in your introduction

2) Write about her advice (which you already did, but you need to say it clearly)
3)Write about her help in academic like she takes time to show your homework every night. She encourges you to do your own, instead of cheating, copying, (make up story)

GOOD LUCK

Writing Feedback / "The attraction of New York City" - A meaningful Place [7]

Thanks for your ideas. I had thought about it too, but I don't know how to express my idea, or blend them in the essay. There are 2 tasks on the topic-(1)describe a place and why it's meaningful. But somehow I miss one part of it

Writing Feedback / What is the most important animal in your country (cow in India)? [5]

These are my first 2 paragraps edit. I hope it helps
=>Animals are extremely important in the country's economy. In India, variety of animals help the people in various ways like providing food, helping in work or security. For example, a dog helps to people guarding houses and belongings and is considered as the most loyal animal. Hen gives eggs and is useful for food also. In my opinion (as for me) the most important animal for my country is cow. I believe cow is an improtant animial because it helps for work, produces milk, and fertilizes by using its waste

The most important reason is we get milk from cow, which is most imperative food in daily life. Small children depends on milk as well as adults because they need to consume protein and vitamin in their daily life. Thus, milk is very necessary to the India's diet.

Research Papers / I need an outline for paper on Ocean Acidification [4]

Hi!
With this specific subject I think you should need to do a little research on the topic that you will write about. You can google "Ocean Acidification" to get some infor or ideas. Then do your own outline and post it on the forum so people can help you to revise or edit. Maybe we can not do an outline for you because we don't know or not for sure what you want to write on your paper. Goodluck!

Undergraduate / Snow: Why is it my Favorite Word? [3]

Here are some of my ideas
"I'll jump outside with the clothes I'll have on"<= of course, you will jump with your clothes on in snow, the readers assume it. You need to clarify what kind of clothes if you want to keep this sentence; for example, light clothes, soft clothes, windy, snowy clothes...

Are you sure since the day you was born you already like "snow" word? or you like "snow" word since the day you know words?

"begins to sprinkle upon Sterling, the city that I live in"<=begins to spinkle upon Sterling city, where I am living,...

"Why? Is it just a coincidence? No"<= I would delete this sentence from your essay, I like this better
"...to be at peace. It is a time when workers..."

Graduate / Your studies and your future: Online Educator's essay [4]

"When I was in high school, me learning English was what my parents expected, because it would open doors of opportunity for my future in higher education"

Kevin, I don't think "me" should be in front of "learning"
This should be better "When I was in high school, learning English was what my parents expected, because it would open doors of opportunity for my future in higher education"

and your revise already changes the original meaning too

When I was in high school, learning English was my first priority, because it would open doors of opportunity for my future in higher education that could make my parents proud of me.

Maybe Lam means that and same here, with this sentence, he means that he works for other people in order to get the money to pay for his tuition; "I had to help my parents on the farm or cutting grass and keeping duck for other to earn the money for my study on school's chair."

so, I think he means this
... "because I had to help my parents on the farm or cutting grass and keeping duck for others in order to earn the money that used (paid)for my tuition".

Maybe I came from the same background with Lam, so I guess I understand what his writing about.

Writing Feedback / Essay to describe your brother (Marcos) [6]

Here are some suggestions. I wonder what grade are you in?
...=> Whenever you need attention, a family member will be there for you. For example, when you're sick or when you need a person to share your happiness.

...
=> In addition, in childhood we do create strings with our brothers and sisters (I'm not so sure for this sentence, what is "do create strings"). So I have a real bond with my brother, Marcos; he is a hero to me.

...=>Marcos is a 28 year-old man, who studies in a medical university in Campina Grande. Since childhood, he has taken care of 'how other people feel'. By the end of the high school, he decided to apply for medicine and nursing. Although, he didn't pass on the medicine exam, he passed the nursing exam. I remember that my parents told him to go on, but he had always wanted to be a doctor. After he had finished the courses for nursing, he tried to reapply for medicine. At this time, he was at the top 5 of the university.

=>In childhood, I remember that he saved my life several times from hard situations. One time our mother told that I could not go play football with my friends until I had finished my homework. It was a lot of science homework that I didn't like the subject and the teacher did not explain clearly. So I remember to think: "I will go play and comeback before the time our mom goes back from work". However, our mother came back earlier than other day because the company that she worked was being painted. When she saw that I did not do my homework, she took me literally("took me literally" I don't get it. Maybe you mean scold you?) by the ears. At the moment,(we know that you was at home) Marcos was my main lawyer; he told my mother that the subject was hard and that I didn't understand it in the class. Ultimately, he saved me from being whipped.

Today, Marcos is married Alba, and they have a beautiful child, Pedro Henrique. I believe that his felling of 'take care' is still pointed and he will pass it to my nephew. For these reasons above, I consider my brother is my hero.

Writing Feedback / V-chip to block TV channels by parents - agree or disagree? [5]

Thanks for all the ideas that helping me on my essay, especially Mark, you have helped me with my previous essays too. I don't like this essay at all because I don't have any idea for it... I don't feel that I like to write on this topic too. V-chip is legally used by parents, why they ask to write for an agrument? I know the bottom point is they just test to see if I can write well; it doesn't matter it's reasonable or not..Anyway, I will rewrite 3 times on each essay

Writing Feedback / Home school vs Traditional school. Which would you prefer? [4]

Thanks for both, Tina & Kevin. I'm working on it

Writing Feedback / a one-page essay (how you relax after getting home from school or work.) [5]

"where I find my mom already finished cooking lunch meal, and prepared the dining table
I prepare the dining table, not my mother. It should be ( prepare in the present tense. Right???)"

If this is a case, then I guess you have to work a little bit because it's confuse. You say that your mom is cooking when you are preparing the dinner, so 2 actions happen at the same time, you can use "while"; example (my mom cooks luch meal while I am preparing the dinning table) OR

Then, I step immediately into the kitchen, where I find my mom has finished cooking luch meal. She asks me to prepare the dining table...

Scholarship / My life has been much less of a straight line ; Peace Corps/ Different cultures [4]

Here are some of my ideas for your first essay

=>(delete originally) I am from a small town in Arkansas but grew up primarily in Washington, DC. I graduated from a local high school and attended college in Georgia where I received a degree in Fine Arts.(I delete a sentence here, you don't need to mention about your friends). As an artist...

=>... Because of this; however, I have held many...(punctuation)

=>I have worked alongside people from all walks of life and many different cultures, and I have realized that I could learn quite a bit just by being around people who are different from myself.

It was on a trip to Jamaica this summer though that I felt a sudden and violent need to branch out further and experience a culture completely different from my own (This sentence need to revise, maybe, I don't get "violent need" mean)

=>It seemed with just a little guidance; their plight could be so easily lessened.
=>It would also be a challenge, especially when I tried hard to help others...(I don't think "good challenge" would be fitted in the sentence because we don't have good or bad challenges,maybe we can have major or minor challenges)

=>In addition, it would be highly beneficial (punctuation)
=>...myself in their cultures, beliefs, and daily lives
=>...while everyone else seems to always notice how different things are, I can see how very similar everyone is when you really get right down to it.

=>It seems like a goal well worth pursuing, and I desire to join in

Writing Feedback / a one-page essay (how you relax after getting home from school or work.) [5]

Here are my ideas
=>...When I get home every day from my school at 1:30 p.m, I 'm sweat as if I were in a swimming pool.
=>...Next, I immediately head (use present tense, but I like to use "step") to the kitchen to greet my mother
=>...To get rid of all dirt and sweat, I wash my body with hot water and perform ablution (You just took a shower, why you wash your body again?????)

=>...where I find my mom already finished cooking lunch meal, and prepared the dining table
=>...each of my family members talks about his or her day

Writing Feedback / Digital textbooks vs Textbook [12]

Thanks for all the suggestions, wait until I pass the test, then I take you guys to chill out!!!!!!

Undergraduate / Idea for a perspective essay about diversity and different perspectives [5]

By the way, please help me with this topic. I'm really stuck. The reason is I have been never participated in any sport game. I HATE SPORT. When I was at college, there was required P.E units and I took Yoga class just for sleeping-----I HAVE NO CLUE WHEN THE PROMPT ASKING FOR ANY SPORT ENVOLVEMENT

Prompt: In American sports, there have recently developed two philosophies. One philosophy is win at any cost. The other philosophy is fair play or sportsmanship. Chose the philosophy you feel is prevalent in America today and give reasons why you feel that philosophy is prevalent

Writing Feedback / Digital textbooks vs Textbook [12]

techonology is a need in very school.---- this is all messed up.
I am using "technology" to sub for digital textbooks because this term has many repeatings in the essay.

Writing Feedback / "a rusty old chain on tree" descriptive essay, help w/ introduction, conclusion,title [3]

Since you are writing about your backyard, so I would title it with
TITLE: MY FAVORITE PLACE OR MY MEANINGFUL PLACE, MEMORABLE PLACE...
BACKYARD IS ONE WORD, I THINK

To someone who's never lived in my house they'd think I have an ordinary back yard. But to me my back yard is like a book where every page has a different story to tell and every sentence a happy memory.

=>..who has never lived in my house might think that I have an ordinary backyard..
=> and every sentence has a happy memory.
=>Standing on the back porch, you have a full view of the back yard.
=>Turning to the left, the first thing you will notice is a rusty old truck that my grand father used in the 50s and 60s to tow junk cars in and out of the backyard. The tow truck also had a special front bumper used to push cars to the back of the yard [to be work on and taken apart].<= I don't get what you mean

=>Now we use the block to make a basketball court
=>It looks like a regular old garden, but it's a very fertile part of land where the garden is. I thought it was just luck, but my mom told me the land in the back of the yard has good soil, because my family used to have pigs and that helped the land. Behind the garden is a make shift tin fence, and if you turn to the left you can see this fence goes half way around the perimeter of the yard.

=>great grand parents' house
=>To the back right of the yard is filled with debris and random car parts in the ground
=>Nothing grows there and the dirt is black and scary. It is about 100 square feet of glass and car parts because my grandfather used to pile up cars after he and my uncles were done working with them. On the side of the house is a pump. It is an old one and was the only source of running water. I remember visiting my grand parents' house and going outside to get water to cook and bathe with.

I just try to read very quickly, I believe you have made more errors than what I just mention. Don't confuse ITS AND IT'S, ITS IS DIFFERENT FROM IT'S; it's mean it is, try to avoid confuse you can spell out, don't write it's but write it is

For conclusion, mention why it's your favorite backyard and what it mean to you

Undergraduate / Idea for a perspective essay about diversity and different perspectives [5]

First you have to know what topic you're going to write. Then you have "about diversity and different perspectives", stick with it. "Diversity" is too broad, make it narrow. Lately, you come up with "upside down", write about it. when was this incident happend? you failed your test? broke up with b/f,g/f? disappointed about something? conflicted with parents? agrued and got upset with someone, write about it. How you solve your problem?, what did you learn after all?

" when I get frustrated or confused or anything really"<=>when did this happen?about what?
" I like to stand on my head and look around"=>this is how you handle the problem, so tell about its story

Hope my ideas would help

Writing Feedback / Digital textbooks vs Textbook [12]

Thanks Kevin. I have made some changes

Unfortunately, some of them are unable to complete the project on time because their textbooks are not available immediately after classes start. It is unconvenient and waste of time when students have to spend hours at a library or bookstore to check out books.

for the last para I just have a question, do I have to give a "signal" of ending essay such as using "In short, in conclusion, in the final analysis..." at the begining of the last para?

These are the main factors of having digital textbooks in our schools. This new attempt takes a big step in the right direction of enhancing our teaching and learning tools. With all benefits it provides to students, I believe this crucial techonology is a need in very school.

Letters / Letter From the Renaissance to Alfonzo [3]

I totally love your writing, its tone is really the Renaissance time. It's very very well written, especially, you're just in 11th grade. Good job, Jolee. Through your letter, you transfer me back to Renaissance time. It just likes you take my hand and bring me to those cities that you have mentioned. For the grammar, I'm not so sure, but I believe that you don't make many serious errors. Keep up with your writing, I think you can be a novelist because you have a great immagination.

Undergraduate / "seize the day" - Seeking UF Admission Essay Revision and Corrections [4]

...department called the house asking to speak with my dad=>called AND ASKED to speak

...and even though she may be gone, the things she taught me will forever stay with me(SHE'S ALREADY GONE, NOT MAY BE, BUT FOR SURE)=>ALTHOUGH she HAD gone, BUT THE LESSON THAT she taught me WOULD forever stay with me

...She instilled honesty, integrity, responsibility, diligence, a love of life and so much more, PARALELL STRUCTURE =>"A LOVE OF LIFE" CHANGE TO SOMETHING ELSE, NOT "A"

...All the values she has taught me will be what carry me through college=>ALL THE VALUABLE LESSONS(...) you mean that you only learn her strong characteristic through college, not for the rest of your life? YOU NEED TO REPHARSE THIS SENTENCE, IT DOESN'T MAKE SENSE

...I am hard working in every aspect of my life=>I WORK HARD IN...

...Another value is integrity. I take pride in my grades and the fact that I achieved that I achieved them honestly
... Another value is integrity.(I THINK YOU SHOLD WORK MORE ON THIS SENTENCE)...I TAKE PRIDE OF MY GRADES AND ACHIEVED THEM HONESTLY
...Another value is integrity. I take pride in my grades and the fact that I achieved that I achieved them honestly. Cheating is just NOT an option.(SORRY, I'M STILL THINKING HOW TO MAKE THIS SENTENCE BETTER)

...I am also one to take full responsibility for my actions, good or bad. There was one instance...=>I TAKE FULL RESPONSIBILITY NO MATTER HOW BAD IT IS, FOR INSTANCE, WHEN I WAS...

project. Because of this, I...=>PROJECT. THEREFORE, I...
...College will be the first time I have to live by myself and keep track of my schedule...=>GOING TO COLLEGE I HAVE TO LIVE BY MYSELF...

...schedule, deadlines, and money...(DON'T USE MONEY, USE FINANCE OR SIMILAR)
...I learned the hard way that life is too short, so every day I try to live it like it would be my last...(THIS SENTENCE IS TOO GENERAL)

SORRY, I'M NOT GOOD AT REVISING, THOSE ARE JUST MY IDEAS

Undergraduate / who influences you and how. my big sister Erin [6]

...scream, "STOP IT! That's...=>SCREAMS

...The thing is, is that we don't always...=>ALTHOUGH, WE DON'T ALWAYS GET ALONG AND FIGHT A LOT AS SISTER...

...When she comes home everyday, she sits down to study and finish her homework=>whenever she comes home from school...OR HER FIRST THING TO DO AFTER SCHOOL IS FINISHING HER HOMEWORK OR AS LONG AS SHE GETS HOME AFTER SCHOOL, SHE WANTS TO FINSH HER HOMEWORK RIGHT AWAY.

...influences me to do so to by example=>TO DO SO, FOR EXAMPLE, IN HIGH SCHOOL...

Just as I am influenced by my sister, Martin in the Medicine Bag, is influenced by his grandfather...(WHO IS THIS, WHO IS MARTIN? WHERE HE IS COMING FROM?)

...Martin in the Medicine Bag, is influenced by his grandfather. Martin is influenced by him because he inspires him to learn more...THIS IS NOT A CORRECT SENTENCE, I DON'T GET IT

...Martin's life was changed by the influence of his family's heritage and culture just because of Grandfather.=> DON'T USE PASSIVE VOICE, USE ACTIVE VOICE BETTER

YOU CAN SUB "INFLUENCE" WITH SOME OTHER WORDS, SO MANY REPEATING HERE

Writing Feedback / Digital textbooks vs Textbook [12]

Thank you Ershad!
" I'm not sure if I understood correctly. Do you mean to say that books are not available immediately after classes start, and consequently, students need to spend most of their time in libraries?"

yes, you're correct, that is what I meant.
I really don't know how to write the conclusion, but I will try

Undergraduate / Dr. Schorr has made an impact on my life [5]

Hi hydargirl
I had this prompt on my CBEST test & I passed it, unfortunately, I failed another essay. I like your essay since it expresses your true feeling & emotion. But I suggest that you can outline 3 reasons why Dr Schoor is the one who is most impact and give examples for each one.

For example, you can start with a topic sentence on (1) Dr Schoor supports you when you are at low point, then give example about your story (2) Dr Schoor is a role model of living a full life, of his pessimistic, example, he's not being afraid of his illness...& so forth (3) being a counselor Dr Schoor helps you gain self-esteem, and example...

I see that you already address those ideas on your essay. You just need to organize them. So far I really like your intro. For your second para, don't start it first, you talk about Dr Schoor and insert the 2para in somewhere when you talk about the main character(Dr Schoor)

Some minor changes
... I was afraid, embarrassed, and ashamed to admit this (sub this with something like my---) to anybody...

...forget. My self esteem...
... He told me that what happened
...to be, and accomplished
I hope some of my ideas will help

Writing Feedback / In my view studying in a group is a better method than studying on your own. [10]

...=> your own. Many (I deleted even) research studies have proved that students who engage in group study perform better in both class performance and at (delete the) exams.

..=>Studying on your own is (only) effective when you have to memorize facts.

...=>sound study habits. (I don't get much on sound study habits, maybe you mention group study habit that one takes turn to talk, but "sound study habits phrase is strange to me) These discussions also promote students to respect ideas of each other (use one another rather than each other, one another means more than 2 persons, each other means only 2 persons)

=>Group studies also encourage students to explain their views and ideas aloud. This helps students gain or (improve) their presentation skills in front of the audiences, especially the ones who have more introvert characteristics.

Further, the students often get the opportunity to teach other members when they study in a group. This is a win-win (win-win is strange for me too) situation which helps one student to reinforce his mastery on the topic while other students would learn it with his help. Also students would be able to cover the gaps such as missed lectures or notes. They can also share the material(s) (I like to use share "notes" too) such as past papers, assignments etc. It also helps students to be more socialized while clearing one's fears and ambiguities by the positive attitude of the group such as "we can do it together". After all(,) studying in a group is more enjoyable and (effective)

However(,) it is important that all the members of the group share the common goal of achieving success and stay to the agenda without being distracted. They should respect each other and also should not try to dominate the group. Provided these conditions are satisfied, I conclude that studying in a group is much more effective and advantageous than self studying.

In general, you did a good job on you essay, but I don't feel the paragraph at the end is an effective conclusion because you're not summarize all the main points

Besides, I feel that you should group paragraph 3 & 6 together. Let see, p1 introduction, p2 self-motivated, p3 help with difficult concepts, p4 team work, p5 presentation skills, p6 teach each other, p7 conclusion

Undergraduate / Chalk Handprints - UPenn Supplemental Essay [9]

I have minor changes
The small African American=> The little African American

The small African American girl approaches me in the shabby playground I have come to clean up, a smile stretched across her face and blue chalk smeared on her hands. (inconsistancy tense, if you use past tense=>The small African American girl approached me in the shabby playground that I had to clean up or if you already clean up use this "that I had clearned up")