Unanswered [5] | Urgent [0]
  

Posts by mea505
Joined: Sep 8, 2010
Last Post: Oct 5, 2010
Threads: -
Posts: 265  

From: United States of America

Displayed posts: 265 / page 2 of 7
sort: Oldest first   Latest first
mea505   
Sep 12, 2010
Undergraduate / My years in Dubai, Stanford Supplement Short Essays - intellectually engaging [7]

When you ask people that have only heard of Dubai, or visited during vacations, to describe it in one word, or sentence, you get wonderful things like: such as Paradise, ostentatious, beckoning, or "Better than anywhere else" ."

I took the first sentence only for starters -- to show you that you are using too many commas.

Re-work the essay and eliminate some of the commas.

Mark
mea505   
Sep 12, 2010
Undergraduate / Only Four Sensees; Common App- Topic of Your Choice [4]

Until yesterday, I had planned on writing my essay on a literary character who has significantly impacted me. I realized, though, that it would not capture my uniqueness, and that is simply unacceptable when my dream school is Vassar. I decided that an essay about the impact of my lacking a sense of smell on my life would be a great way to share something distinct about me.

Is that what they want here? My own interpretation is that they are looking for an essay that captures your thoughts with respect to any topic, but only using four of the five senses in doing so. How many words are you allowed? Why don't you write about your aspirations with regard to your attending Vassar? Or, perhaps you can write about how you have prepared for Vassar...?

Just some thoughts for you to consider. If you give us some ideas as to what it is you are thinking (generally speaking), I think that we can offer you some insight.

Mark
mea505   
Sep 12, 2010
Undergraduate / "prepare me for larger-scale engineering" - Purdue Personal Statement [4]

Engineering became a part of my life long before I ever knew about it. As a kid child I liked building and creating, thinking of different ways to make everything create things. I enjoyed exploring the mechanics of how things worked, as well as finding new methods to recreate them.

Try to find similar ways you can change the other paragraphs, and then re-post the essay. Then, we can possibly add to it collectively.

Mark
mea505   
Sep 13, 2010
Undergraduate / where from (dad) + quality (student government) - UC [4]

Imagine if you had a passion or a skill for something but there was a barrier stopping you from doing what you strive to do. -- A wall, you try to climb over, dig under, and go around but nothing you do helps

All of a sudden all hope is lost and your only response alternative is to walk away from that wall and find a new path

My father had graduated from the University of Baghdad in Iraq at the top of his class and became an engineer.

There are some other corrections to be made as well; however, I think you have an excellent set of essays here. They just need a little work. I agree with the last person who critiqued your two essays. Why don't you re-work them and then present them again to the forum? You have the workings of two excellent personal statements here; they are both very powerful.

Thanks,

Mark
mea505   
Sep 13, 2010
Writing Feedback / sense of humor, honesty, willingness - QUALITIES OF A GOOD NEIGHBOR - TOEFL [7]

Luu Dang,

Now, after you have read what we have told you, why don't you re-work the essay and then re-present it to the forum? This will give you the chance to see how much better it can be expressed and it will give us the chance to see if you have understood what we have been telling you. It's not a long essay, so it should not take that long to re-work. Spend some time with it, and while you are doing it -- if you have any questions, please shout.

Mark
mea505   
Sep 13, 2010
Essays / how to start an essay on why am i going to college [7]

Hi Karen,

If you want to see how well you do in writing your essay, why don't you write it here and present it to us? Just sit down and write, and try to stay on topic. Pick a topic sentence for each of your paragraphs, and then use the paragraph to explain or further enhance the topic sentence. You should also have a thesis statement.

This is an excellent forum for you to start practicing your writing skills. Don't be shy -- just present us with some of your ideas in sentence form, using paragraphs. Read some of the other essays that are on the forum as well. When you are ready, send it to us; we will then have a better idea as to how well you do and "where you are" with respect to your writing abilities.

Try it.

Mark
mea505   
Sep 13, 2010
Undergraduate / "an intel officer" - University of Texas at Austin admissions essay [7]

Austin,

You have written a very concise essay, indeed. I can relate to your aspirations, as I was once a member of the armed forces; however, I did not attain my education beyond high school until after I left the military. I often thought about going back in and making it a career as an officer.

You seem to have listed all of the attributes of becoming an officer, as well as your own desires to pursue such a goal. You clearly defined the University in Austin as a choice because of the program that is offered there.

I cannot find fault with your essay. It was very well written. I wish you luck with your endeavors.

Mark
mea505   
Sep 13, 2010
Writing Feedback / "We are changing the world with technology." (Bill Gates) Is this true? [3]

It is generally accepted that technology has changed the way of life in some developed and developing parts of the world, but there are still a number of less developed areas left untouched and conserved of their traditional values and backward lifestyles

Hence, although it is acknowledged that technology has changed some things in various fields such as economic the economy, social society, medical medicine and the military, it can only do so to those who have access to technology

Richer nations are able to afford a myriad of technological equipments equipment

brings similar to their richer counterparts .brings to their similar, richer counterparts.

Take a look at the rest of the essay as well. There are some run-on sentences, where a comma would benefit.

Mark
mea505   
Sep 13, 2010
Writing Feedback / Learning from books or from experience ? What is your opinion? [9]

You need to work on the structure of your sentences. I know what it is that you are trying to say, but you are not writing it very clearly. When you write a sentence, go over it in your mind, over and over again, to ensure that it makes sense and that it is what you want to say. Usually, if it sounds terrible, or not right, it isn't right.

Why don't you re-work your essay and then re-present it to the forum? I am sure everyone would like to see it again, corrected.

Thanks,

Mark
mea505   
Sep 13, 2010
Essays / Need an idea for a Evaluation Essay? [4]

I think that they want you to evaluate something, perhaps an experience in your life? Something that has tested you to the point that you have learned from your experiences?

Why don't you write some ideas -- and present them to the forum. If you are off the track, so to speak, then the group on the forum will lead you in the right direction.

Mark
mea505   
Sep 13, 2010
Essays / Genres and Discourse Communities [8]

Mariam has given you a sure way of getting this essay started! Take a look at her 4 steps she has written for you -- then sit down with pen and paper and try to write something that will or is reflected in the genre that you like to read. You can build your essay from that. Present it to the forum and we will take a look at it.

Mark
mea505   
Sep 14, 2010
Undergraduate / "the Renaissance woman" - WHY BROWN - Short Answer [11]

Francesca,

I dare not make a mark on your essay. It is extremely well-written. You have made use of the short space in a concise way. The choice or words is excellent. I could not improve upon it at all. I wish you luck in your endeavors!

Mark
mea505   
Sep 14, 2010
Dissertations / Ph.D. research topic in HRM [6]

What does your adviser have to say about your choice? Have you Googled the topic yet? You might be able to receive a number of suggestions that way. But, my first choice would be to present the idea to the adviser and see what he or she says about it. Also, we can assist you as you continue with your progress -- here on the forum.

Mark
mea505   
Sep 14, 2010
Undergraduate / "Embracing life and not battlig it" - Significant Experience & its Impact on Me [8]

Now that you have the corrections that others have made, or the suggestions that they have made for you, why don't you re-write the essay, re-work it so that we can see that you both understand what we have been trying to tell you and that you are able to write the essay?

It does one good to write -- then re-write and then re-write and then re-write and then re-write. It will often get better after each revision. Try it -- then post your essay again on the forum so that we can read it and evaluate it.

Mark
mea505   
Sep 14, 2010
Undergraduate / My identity in music: Common App short essay [10]

Yes, I think that the line that you left in red can become your thesis statement, but it needs to be presented earlier in the text. Why don't you re-work the entire essay and then present it to us in that fashion, so that we can see the entire essay again?

Mark
mea505   
Sep 14, 2010
Undergraduate / Anorexia: (issue of importance) - Essay E Ut admission [6]

Karla,

I think that you can do both! Have you had any personal experience (you or your family) with this disease or something like it? If so, then you can write about your own personal experiences "and" write about the issue as well -- and explain it. In fact, I think it will be a much stronger essay if you were to write it from you own perspective. I think that others would tend to agree with me.

Mark
mea505   
Sep 14, 2010
Undergraduate / My identity in music: Common App short essay [10]

The only comment I have for you is with respect to the following sub-sentence: my varying skill: change it to: my varying skills.

Then, take what Kevin has suggested to you and re-work/re-write the essay and then present it to the forum again. You will find that a re-write often makes it sound and look better.

Mark
mea505   
Sep 14, 2010
Undergraduate / 'reevaluation of my life' - Vires, Artes, Mores : Strength, Skill, Character [7]

Stephanie,

Now, why don't you re-write the essay with the suggestions that you have received thus far? You might find that after you re-write it once or twice it will sound and look better to you. Then, you can re-present it to the forum, in the completed, corrected form.

Mark
mea505   
Sep 14, 2010
Dissertations / Suggest me what topic should i take in Finance and management in Phd [5]

Have you discussed this issue with your adviser? Typically, your adviser is the one with whom one discusses the topics of a Ph.D dissertation, as he or she will have to be the one who approves the topic. You can certainly present a list of suggested materials to him or her, but it will be the two of you who will ultimately decide what topics are good and what topics are not.

Mark
mea505   
Sep 14, 2010
Essays / A good introduction to an essay about myself? [10]

Olivia,

You have the makings of an excellent essay! Now, take your ideas and put them on paper, but use your personal experiences to strengthen your essay. You say what motivated you in the past and what motivates you now, so use some sort of personal experience to describe that to your readers. Stating what motivates you is one thing, but describing how a specific situation motivated you in the past is a much more powerful statement. Get back with us if you have any questions or if this is not clear to you.

Mark
mea505   
Sep 14, 2010
Undergraduate / "My dad passed away when i was just 11 years old", an application essay. [17]

Paige,

It would have been easier, certainly, if you re-wrote the essay after all of the suggestions and comments were made, as we would be able to see the essay as it stands, corrected. However, I went through each of the corrections and comments (to the best of my ability) and I didn't find anymore reasons to think that there are errors.

However, I would enjoin you to re-work the essay and then re-present it to the forum, and then give us one more chance to have a "look-see." After all, when you re-write it over and over, you will find that there are better ways of stating something. Try re-writing it for us.

Mark
mea505   
Sep 14, 2010
Undergraduate / [Being a Leader] #1 Evaluate a significant experience, achievement, risk [8]

WonJohn,

I think, after the corrections have been made, that you are off to a good start here. Please re-word the essay so that your sentence structure matches throughout the essay. Also, choose a topic sentence (as Kevin has suggested) and make sure that it is either the first or the second sentence (it is usually the first), and then use it to start off each of your paragraphs. It might help if you skip a space between paragraphs, as well; it makes for an easier read. You are doing really well.

Re-write the essay and then present it to us again.

Mark
mea505   
Sep 14, 2010
Undergraduate / Good grades on every subject - Statement of Purpose transfer A&M biology major [8]

Unlike many of my close friends, instead of immediately going away to college after graduating high school, I decided, upon being a student with an undeclared major, to attend a community college. Despite the pressure I felt from fellow peers who already seemed to know for a fact what they wanted to study and exactly how their lives would play out after that, I just wanted to focus on getting my basics done completedand.Then, I can really explore all of my possibilities before choosing one that would ultimately determine a big aspect of the rest of my life. I was never someone who settled on simply being satisfied, I wanted to be passionate about what I was doing.

Do you see what I mean about the sentence structure? It might behoove you to re-write this essay first, and then re-present it to the forum in a corrected form. Get your sentences down to a length that is acceptable. Some of them sound as if they are "run-on" sentences. I think that you have a good essay here, it just needs a little polishing. Please re-write it.

Mark
mea505   
Sep 15, 2010
Undergraduate / "the Renaissance woman" - WHY BROWN - Short Answer [11]

In Brown, however, consilience is celebrated . Brown is not only known for being skilled in one arena but in a myriad of different subjects, from the humanities to the sciences .

How is that? Does that cut it down to size for you? In doing the cutting that I did, the essence of the essay remains the same.

Mark
mea505   
Sep 15, 2010
Writing Feedback / Studying at home by using technology or studying at home. [5]

Kim,

Why don't you take the suggestions and try to re-write the essay and then re-post it on the forum; perhaps others might be able to chime in and provide their inputs as well. I think that you have a fine essay here, you just have to clean it up a little. It will be better if you were to re-write it and re-post it. I think that you will get more out of the forum that way.

Mark
mea505   
Sep 15, 2010
Essays / Ideas on a Narrative Essay on a mistake in my life. [4]

Well, you certainly are not in a position to write -- not yet at least. First, sit down with a pencil and paper and write some ideas -- about your life, how you have lived your life thus far, how you handled high school, or any other situation in your life. You might just find that your ideas about high school are not strong enough and that you have another idea about an essay. Who knows? Only you do. But, you have to start by just writing some ideas. Don't worry about the spelling or the grammar, just write something.

Then, when you feel as if you have enough information on paper, start writing about a specific time in your life when a mistake cost a lot. It might just be high school; on the other hand, it might be something else. Brain storm. Do you understand what I am trying to tell you?

You can then begin by developing a thesis statement -- a statement that identifies your thesis. Build your essay around that, use paragraphs to separate ideas, and use a topic sentence for each of the paragraphs.

Post your initial essay on this forum. We will get back with you and let you know how well you are doing.

Mark
mea505   
Sep 15, 2010
Book Reports / The concept of Truth and Happiness: About 1984 & Brave New World [4]

Win,

If you have not yet read either 1984 or A Brave New World, then I think that you are missing a wonderful treat! I have read both of them and you are somewhat "on the money" with your simple synopsis of the two works that you left on the forum in your first message.

There is no real way to tell you how to proceed with this essay until you read the two books, however. They are both very, very good! I think that you will enjoy them both. You can most likely read both of them in one setting, perhaps on a rainy day sometime soon. There is a lot of symbolism in the books, so you have to be careful when you read them.

Have you read anything by Orwell in the past?

Please -- read them if you have not already -- then post your initial essay.

Mark
mea505   
Sep 15, 2010
Undergraduate / MIT - Tell us about something which didn't go according to the plan. [4]

Prince,

I didn't see much of a reason to correct things, as you can see. However, I wonder if you would not call the unit 8 and unit 9 by the other name: grades 8 and 9? Would not that make more sense? Or are you used to calling it by the units? The only other thing that I would probably change is to define your grades a little more -- how much of a failure were you in the 9th grade, and how much did you improve in the 10th grade? Now, it sounds too generalized.

Otherwise, I think you have the workings of a good essay, although be it short.

Mark
mea505   
Sep 15, 2010
Undergraduate / ESSAY B. An issue of importance to you...KATRINA- My Story [4]

On August 27, 2005 my father, my sisters and I ate donuts at a local café in Waveland, Mississippi, called Daddy' O's. The Patrons that morning talked of the storm in the Gulf among other things. Tropical storms are a regular occurrence along the Gulf Coast so there was not too much cause for alarm. We knew the standard drill, stock up on food and water for a few days, fill the bath tubs full of water and bring in the lawn furniture into the garage. We would handle this storm just like the previous ones. Little did anyone know that within forty-eight hours, all of their lives would be forever changed.

The region that we came to love on the Gulf Coast suffered colossal damage on the morning of August 29, 2005 as Hurricane Katrina released her fury upon our community The nearby town of Diamondhead, where my family and I resided, was utterly devastated and the infrastructure was in near-complete ruins. It was obvious that the kind of damage inflicted by Katrina was not something that could be healed overnight. Thankfully my family and my house were not harmed, but the community I called home for so many years laid in waste. The Daddy O's café, where my family met just prior to the storm was completely decimated by tornadoes and rising water. The only recognizable feature was the booth where we ate our last meal together before the storm. For days that turned into weeks there was no electrical power, clean water, gasoline, or hope. Despair was widespread. Ordinary things, that a typical family took for granted, were now in short supply. Each day I spent wondering when I could return to my school, were my friends safe, and when will everything be back to normal?

Before Hurricane Katrina, everything in my life seemed to be going smoothly. It was the beginning of my seventh grade year at Hancock Middle School. I was a starter on the Hancock High School varsity soccer team and also a valuable team member on the middle school track team. Everything I had anticipated about the new school year was driven away by Katrina's winds and storm surge. Once school resumed in December, our school did not have the resources to support most of the usual student activities. We sponsored car washes and bake sales in order to purchase sports equipment and uniforms to replace the ones that were damaged by the storm. The school year was a major disappointment and setback for virtually all of the students at Hancock Middle School.

At one instance after the storm, school was suspended until further notice. As a result, I decided to make use of the opportunity to help out around my community. I worked at a distribution center near what used to be Wal-Mart and helped organize and distribute thousands of donated items. Each day hurricane victims from all along the coast would come in search of necessities they desperately needed. Many came in search of food, clothes, water, or just a friendly face. Every person I came in contact with had a different story to share with me, stories of survival, stories of tragedy, and stories of life. Several of them had lost everything but the clothes on their back, and yet they were still in great spirits. After recognizing some of my neighbors standing in one of the lines, I remember breaking down and sobbing to my mother that this could have easily been us standing in that line. This firsthand account made a major impact on me, and I have walked away with a different perspective on life and a renewed appreciation of those things that we choose to be most important in our lives.

Fast forward five years and the aftermath of Hurricane Katrina continues to resonate within me. My family has relocated twice since the storm and I am now completing high school in Central Texas, but my mind continues to wonder back to the south coast of Mississippi. The memories of the devastation caused by Katrina continue to linger. Undoubtedly, this will be one of the biggest life changing events that I will encounter in my life, ; however I believe it has made me a stronger person as a result. I learned to understand that I cannot take anything for granted. I am now a much more relatable personable person, in that I comprehend what others are going through when they are having troubles. The days following the storm taught me a valuable lesson of life and how quickly material things can be taken from you. I deeply appreciate everything that I have because I know it will not last forever. The most important message I have obtained is that material items mean nothing compared to family and friends. Perhaps when Daddy O's is rises has risen once again out of the ruble, some of these memories will pass.

You are a VERY talented writer, indeed. This is an excellent essay! I just found a few grammar problems, but the essence of the essay is remarkable, indeed!

Mark
mea505   
Sep 15, 2010
Undergraduate / "why did you choose to work while in high school?" - Osu Essay Help [5]

Hi Jake,

You already have the thoughts written on paper, now all you have to do is construct some sentences that make sense out of your ideas. Go ahead and create at least three paragraphs, each one with a different idea, each one having its own topic sentence. For example, the first one can relate to the first question: why did you choose to work in high school. You can expound on that idea, give the paragraph some "meat," by providing the reader with more words.

Then, you can proceed onto the next paragraph and describe the answer to the next question in the same way you did (or will) in the first paragraph. Use the last paragraph to sum it all up.

Then, you can present the essay to the forum -- we can then offer you some tips.

Mark
mea505   
Sep 15, 2010
Undergraduate / Electronic Surgery - intellectually exciting concept (not the Stanford one) [15]

First, let me address this issue:

The fast rule of thumb, so to speak, with respect to the semi-colon is to use it very infrequently, if at all.

Actually, I have to disagree. Semicolon are generally used to connect two sentences fluidly where using an 'and' or another conjunction would seem cumbersome.

I know what you are saying, and for you, the semicolon is obviously a very powerful tool; however, most people do not understand how to use a semicolon and for them, the rule of thumb is to use it as infrequently as possible. It is obvious that you know how to use it, and for you, then, it is a useful tool in the English language (written).

Now, on to the essay.

It is much improved. It reads very smoothly and you have done a great job! I (personally) would not change anything at this point. However, you might want some people, such as Kevin to take a look at the essay as well.

Thanks,

Mark
mea505   
Sep 15, 2010
Writing Feedback / Studying at home by using technology or studying at home. [5]

Kevin and Kim,

I crossed the "s" out of entertainment(s), but it is not readily visible. But, that is an excellent way to express it, Kevin. I didn't think about that.

Kim -- re-write the essay and let us take a look at it again!

Mark
mea505   
Sep 16, 2010
Undergraduate / Camp counselor vs soccer vs Volunteer? [3]

Writing an essay about one topic is difficult enough for most people, and you will find that you will have a better ability to write your essay if you stuck to just one of the topics. You can certainly wait until some of the others chime in, but I am almost certain that the others will probably say the same thing.

Good luck!

Mark
mea505   
Sep 16, 2010
Undergraduate / "Doctor's dream and life commitment" - Why The Ohio State University? [5]

Christina,

That looks a lot better. Now -- does Ohio State University have a Medical School? Or is it just a pre-med? If it's just pre-med that you are going to study there, then Ohio State cannot "help you become a physician." It can only help you get through pre-med.

I didn't go through the entire essay the first time, slashing out lines and adding lines, as I explained before. However, have you tired developing an outline first before you started to write? Also, you will really benefit if you "think" about what you are writing before you write it. I will show you what I mean:

Thank you very much ! i no I know about all the fragments and believe me in not to I'm no too good when it comes to grammer grammar in writing. the The essay also cant cannot (or can't) exceed 300 words so im I'm trying to cut it down about 200. it It has around 586 i believe.

That's just your sentence before you began to re-write the essay. Think about writing...think what you are going to say -- "I Know," as opposed to "I no," .... and, you really need to get into the habit of capitalizing your I's and the first letter in your sentences. OK?

Mark
mea505   
Sep 16, 2010
Undergraduate / "playing my saxophone" - elaborate one of your extracurrifular activities [3]

How about this?
When I learned that I could not play in the band due to the class hour conflict in the beginning of my junior year, it came as a shock to me ...It came as a shock to me in the beginning of my junior year, when I learned that I could not play in the band due to the class hour conflict.

As my classes had gotten much harder, I had little spare time to practice saxophone. As my classes began to get more difficult, I had little time to spare to practice the saxophone.

Band class was going to be (the) almost the only way that I could ever play Band class quickly became the only means of being able to play the saxophone.

However, such obstacles were not able to keep me away from playing my saxophone. I was not about to allow such obstacles to stop me from playing my saxophone.

Have you given thought to your sentence structure? You can try stating the same thing in different ways before you begin to write your essay. Give it a try, and then re-work you essay, please.

Thanks,

Mark
mea505   
Sep 16, 2010
Undergraduate / "Doctor's dream and life commitment" - Why The Ohio State University? [5]

Christina,

OK -- if you write like that when you are just getting things going, then I see what you are doing. Believe me, I didn't intend to say anything different. I was not sure what you were doing, that's all. I think that you have the workings of a very good essay here -- keep it up -- and believe me when I tell you that every time you re-write it, it will get better and better, and this is true for all writers, not just you or me.

Your outline seems to be a good one.

I was not certain as to whether OSU had a medical school, which is why I asked. I wish you all the luck in the world! I know for a fact that practicing medicine can be extremely rewarding!

Thanks for your patience.

Mark
mea505   
Sep 16, 2010
Writing Feedback / "addicted to something addictive" - It is just a Daily Journal [4]

Dong Chun Kim,

If you have been given an assignment to write a journal, this is a good place to start, indeed. You are off to a good start with respect to what you have written thus far. I have often found that one does not correct one's grammar or spelling when it comes to a journal -- unless you want us to.

Mark

Do You Need
Academic Writing
or Editing Help?
Fill in one of the forms below to get professional help with your assignments:

Graduate Writing / Editing:
GraduateWriter form ◳

Best Essay Service:
CustomPapers form ◳

Excellence in Editing:
Rose Editing ◳

AI-Paper Rewriting:
Robot Rewrite ◳