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Posts by simbamaxxed
Joined: Oct 3, 2010
Last Post: Dec 10, 2010
Threads: 5
Posts: 59  
From: Zimbabwe

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simbamaxxed   
Dec 10, 2010
Undergraduate / "Faith (from India)" - UChicago essay_Find x [4]

Abhijit,

You are a very competent and intelligent writer.Your essay reflects clarity,coherence and good use of language.It is very appropriate in that it highlights a conflict that you had about the substace behing religion-a conflict which many people have,and how that led you to evaluate yourself inwardly and come to a sort of a conclusion.I would advise against re-titling the essay "faith" as you are responding to the prompt "Find X".It would also be better if you linked the "find x" theme throughout the whole essay as it kind of seemed as though you "attached" right at the end?
simbamaxxed   
Dec 9, 2010
Undergraduate / "a love for debate" - Stanford Essay: Intellectual Vitality [4]

Your essay needs a focus.Is it about the human brain,your penchant for psychological analysis or debate?Most of it,however,is not about debate-try to focus your essay on one aspect so that the reader does not have to guess what the gist of the essay is.There is a disconnect between the idea of analysing people psychologically and the debate aspect...try to link the two ideas.
simbamaxxed   
Dec 9, 2010
Undergraduate / UVa - "All the Trees of the Field Will Clap Their Hands" [3]

Thad,
Your essay is very succint and polished.You write very well---although it felt a little too short?I was expecting a little bit more discussion on why you find this music so appealing.Also,the prompt is kind of probing you to reveal some "conflict" that this piece of art may caused you to have,and how this could have resulted in a watershed moment or epiphany on your part?You may want to explore this further.Otherwise,your critical analysis was super;all in all it just needs a little bit more content,explanation and a conclusion that reaffirms why the piece of writing affected you so profoundly.
simbamaxxed   
Nov 25, 2010
Undergraduate / Commonapp short answer: leadership activities and volunteer work. [4]

Hie Roman, You seem to be panicking-take it easy.I am not sure which country you are from,but most countries have what is called an educationUSA educational advising centre.When you join(for a small fee)they have counselors to help you with everything in addition to acces to free resources like SAT prep books,a library,internet,workshops etc.Just go online and check if there is an educationUSA advising centre near you. With regard to your question about essays,you seem to have it figured out for the most part.Although for a colleges supplement essay,you must answer the prompt they give.You may devise your own topic for the main commonapp essay,but Not usually for a supplement essay because the prompts are set by the college and are looking to find out whether you are a good fit for that particular school.Hope this helps.
simbamaxxed   
Nov 19, 2010
Undergraduate / 'looking through a window' - my williams supplement "the catcher in the rye." [4]

Ok,this sounds like a rant.Why so much swearing and foul language?This completely ruins an otherwise good essay,and can give them a pretty good reason to reject you.Its not a risk that will pay off.Take OUT ALL the vulgarity and the strength of your writing will come out.I enjoyed reading it,but was just repulsed by seeing a 3 or 4 letter word at every turn.Bad language is invariably always in bad taste and almost always overides the merit of a piece of writing.
simbamaxxed   
Nov 15, 2010
Undergraduate / I seek truth. My drive to find the right question and learn the true answer defines who I am. [10]

According to you,you were <<thrilled and filled with resounding joy>> at the realisation that the concept of religion was preposterous.That is a very strong and bold assertion to make.Please consider your audience and be very,very wary of their sensibilities.Obviously the reader will try to be objective,but what makes your writing difficult to take seriously is that you have made some sweeping and controversial statements without any solid evidence to back up your claims.This makes you appear a bit linear and single-minded. Lastly,do you think your essay has adressed the demands of the prompt?Have you shown yourself to be a positive-minded person?Is your essay a joy to read?Will it offend someone with a contrary opinion(I found this was the case)You may need to answer these questions honestly before you submit this.
simbamaxxed   
Nov 14, 2010
Student Talk / Spring Vs. Fall admittance...? [7]

hie goni-you did not mention whether you are an international student or not-from what I know,most students who are offered to start in spring will have applied for fall,but the college will ask them to enroll in the spring semester for some reason.Its very difficult to get financial aid for the jan semester,since they mostly give out their aid in the fall semester.The colleges I know right off the bat to apply for spring are manhattanville college and St johns uni,both NY.Additionally most public unis accept applications for both terms.If you could elaborate on some of your stats and what you look for in a college I could throw in some more relevant suggestions:)
simbamaxxed   
Nov 14, 2010
Student Talk / International students - where are you applying? [11]

@kevin-its my pleasure to help out,the EF community is really helpful and I have learnt a lot,so thank you for this great resource!!@vladic,am applying to chicago,oberlin,de pauw,macalester,grinell etc...Im kinda lucky I didnt have to take toefl cos its waived for kids from my country...did good on the SAT.European universities?very interesting!Im applying to one European school as well-Jacobs University Bremen,Germany.Its quite awesome-US curriculum,degree in 33 years +need blind for intls.Thats were I hope to go if not the US.
simbamaxxed   
Nov 14, 2010
Undergraduate / "the definition of a workaholic" - Yale Supplemental Essay Advice [7]

Why are you mentioning another acceptance from another college?This makes no sense,if you have been accepted to another college,they might as well reject you since you have a back-up right under your nose.I dont know if you answered the prompt convicingly.The prompt invites you to discuss uniqueness.The fact that you researched college(s) and worked hard in school can be infered from the fact that you are submitting the application.Rather use this opportunity to reveal something about your human side-do you have a hidden talent/unique hobby?do you bake a mean muffin/did you have a ugandan penpal etc... things like that.
simbamaxxed   
Oct 29, 2010
Student Talk / International students - where are you applying? [11]

hie guys!!!im simba. ive been on EF for a while but didnt know about this part of the website!i just wanted to know where fellow intl students are applying?
simbamaxxed   
Oct 28, 2010
Undergraduate / "Super-heroes" - Columbia & NYU (Admission essay) [19]

Test us??haha i ddnt notice that though.well your essay is approaching perfection,good work.many thanks for excluding the julie garland refs!,i breathed easier on that section.As for the title,im sure you can extract a super catchy title from your very colourful imagination...
simbamaxxed   
Oct 24, 2010
Undergraduate / Let's Crap Detect: Stanford Intellectual Activity Supp [9]

This is great!"I guess I am actually"crap detecting" your essay now...So let's see...Overall it's really great,the writing is very engaging and the whole thing is intelligently written.I actually do think you answered the prompt.A brief discussion at the end about how this skill of crap detection "engaged" you intellectually would help you to answer the prompt absolutely.
simbamaxxed   
Oct 24, 2010
Undergraduate / There are 2 types of people in the world...What are they? UChicago supplement. [9]

Thanks for your comments guys:)I think I misunderstood the topic.It says" there are two types of people in the world,what are THEY?"Is this question asking for my view of the world or is it asking for a personal story?.I took it to mean that I should define people in the world according to their preference of one thing or idea over the other.Is this it or am I lost completely?I need your help!
simbamaxxed   
Oct 24, 2010
Writing Feedback / "About my flight and hijackers" - Improving on my narrative essay for O levels [3]

Hie Derrick,
From what I remember from my 'O' Level/IGCSE experience,they are looking for a strong command of english and most importantly the good "use of language" as they say.There is little point in critiquing this particular essay because you will not get the same topic in the exam.A general comment would be you write well enough to get a pass grade at your level.I don't know which examining board you are using,but gennerally you will be given marks for content and quality of writing.Make sure you get all the "quality" marks by leaving time to thoroughly proofread your essay for spelling grammar and correct use of language.However to get an A/A* grade,you will need to write a compelling story and use sophisticated vocabulary APPROPRIATELY and answer all your questions in a relevant manner.Good luck!
simbamaxxed   
Oct 23, 2010
Undergraduate / There are 2 types of people in the world...What are they? UChicago supplement. [9]

Hey guys...Please critique the last of my chicago essays,it's really urgent!Thanks:)

University of Chicago
Supplemental essay.

"Dog and cat. Coffee and tea .Great Gatsby and Catcher in the Rye. Everyone knows there are two types of people in the world. What are they?"

There are two types of people in the world. Those who thought the world would end in the year 2000 and those who didn't.

It was the year 1999.Apart from being preoccupied with sky-blue Levi's/Guess jeans, mullets, tie and dye shirts and the sitcom "friends", the world was also nervously contemplating the unspeakable. The world, as we knew it, would logically have to come to an end. Two thousand, being the round figure it was, and indeed being divisible exactly by ten (a widely held analysis) was a sure sign that the time had come for us to perish. Dim the lights. Cue the tension music. Thunder and lightning.

So the world was split into two kinds of people .Camp" It's all over!" and camp" We shall live." The two groups had two completely different ideologies. Over on camp "It's all over", speculation was the fuel for the death train. Because death was now imminent, people went to the extremes to squeeze every modicum of worldly pleasure out of the few remaining moments on the planet. Inheritances were cashed and the proceeds pumped into island holidays. More straws were plunged into coconuts than ever before. Precious art was sold for a pittance or even given away." We won't need these we we're going! "I remember my aunt saying of her beautiful granite sculptures. Scores were settled, hatchets were buried and fearsome confessions uttered. It was all over.

Meanwhile on camp" We shall live", the atmosphere was noticeably more relaxed. Until, of course, it was discovered that computers, as we knew them, would go berserk. Experts concluded in no uncertain terms that due to the Dot com /http: serial downgrade|#en source&##Port, it was imperative and urgent that computers be loaded with a cutting edge software to guard against the cyber onslaught of Armageddon.Otherwise, they would have to be thrown away or burnt en masse.Many like myself in Zimbabwe who did not own computers at the time secretly wondered whether our digital watches would succumb to the same fate. We had to wait to wait and see.

On the morning of January 1st, 2000, the sun was shining brightly, the birds were chirping happily and the clouds were as crisp as ever. And umm...No. No we had not died in our sleep and yes, the tedium of Y2K compliance had generally been both futile and unnecessary. Diaphragms worldwide heaved a mighty sigh of relief." It was a miscalculation!" declared the Y2K guys."Oh, sorry, we made a mistake. So the world must end in 2100 then!" the end-of-the -world -guys announced. Both camps were wrong. No need for alarm. Both arguments had fallen flat. There was no winner. It was a stalemate. We could all relax.

So there you have it. There are two types of people in the world, those who thought the world would end in the year 2000 and those who didn't .We all thought one thing or the other: Either death, or life without the PC.Ten years later, we're still around. In the end, I'm glad both groups lived.
simbamaxxed   
Oct 22, 2010
Undergraduate / "MANY TICKS TO A ROAR" What makes you tick? [9]

Yvonne,
You have a great vision,but clearly there are some grammar issues:
e.g."(2000 copies per each please", ) -"per each" is redundant.Just write"2000 copies please"
-"To my luck having all this alltogether enables me to merge my many mini "tickings" into a one laud(loud0 song and lull the insatiable monster inside me.'-("To my luck" does not exist .)

-Also,why so much of that foreign language(German?)It's quite distracting.Try to write in english all the way.

Good luck:)
simbamaxxed   
Oct 22, 2010
Undergraduate / "Super-heroes" - Columbia & NYU (Admission essay) [19]

Gustavo,(Forget gentle,I'm cutting to the chase lol!)

Firstly,there is a marginal improvement from the last attempt.One thing I've noticed generally in writing is that the more you try to sound exotic,unique and different,the more cliche the writing becomes.You are right,there will be a quintillion "immigrant" essays dripping with pity and screaming for sympathy,but it's the challenge of a good writer to milk the creativity out of an otherwise tired topic.This is not to say your writing is cliche,I'm just adressing something you mentioned.

-Now to the real business.One thing that is distracting are your references to people and the automatic assumption that the reader is familiar with them and their associated histories i.e.July Garland/Marty Feldman.If the reader is NOT familiar,then you just alienate them for that entire paragraph.Maybe it's because I'm not american,and am therefore culturally out of sync with you,but I would provide some context to make it more understandable.

-If you don't want your writing to sound cliche,then do get rid of cliches in your writing:i.e.
("Top-Notch,larger than life ,being oneself", )You may be forgiven for "light bulb moment."It wasn't a cliche until Oprah made it one.

And then the most cliche of all is your final paragraph.I have definetely heard some or all of these statements many times before:
-He's not pretending to be someone else, and that was the best part of all; he was being himself all along.
-it was because he was so much larger than life that he grew to be much more
And finally...
-Because it is very simple, and helping can make the world a more positive place. Doing so is not the initiative of changing the world; it makes us the change itself.(This is just a condensation of that quote"be the change you want to see in the world" and Michael Jackson's heal the world(sing with me)...make it a better place,for you and for me...etc)I'm sure you see where I'm going with this.

I've been really mean today:)But I think it's beacuse I really like this essay in a paradoxical sort of way.I don't know...
simbamaxxed   
Oct 22, 2010
Undergraduate / "An unlikely musician" - extracurricular activities, Commonapp short answer [6]

hie all,thanks for the comments.

@Xinyue,I tried to include other things besides music,but the 150 word limit is a hindrance.The commonapp definetely cuts off any extra text on that section(annoying...),but thanks for your suggestion I'll try and tweak it on some parts.

@Alex I eventually rejoined electronics club at some point...I think...Yes thanks for the analysis.I intend to major in biochem/pre-med with some music on the side,so I tried to reflect both sides.Do you think I should explain why I left electronics for jazz?I'm not sure how to approach it now:)
simbamaxxed   
Oct 20, 2010
Undergraduate / "The Problem of Prejudice" - Common App Essay [7]

Really good job.You managed to highlight a universal problem and how it relates to you personally.It's well written and really gutsy.I like...this could also be a good response to the prompt about diversity,although it's equally fitting under the topic you have chosen.
simbamaxxed   
Oct 20, 2010
Undergraduate / "Super-heroes" - Columbia & NYU (Admission essay) [19]

Oops I hope I didn't offend you by saying english is not your first language lol!Anyway I anxiously await your second draft,I'm sure it will be good:) I wouldn't want your essay to sound pretentious either,I was trying to just show you an alternative route to what you were trying to convey,.I definetely also dislike "smart" writing it's so fake and irritating.

@Jeannie you made my day...quote"Chris Brown may have a nice personality but he definetely beat up Rihanna...ahh...your are so funny!and so right!
simbamaxxed   
Oct 19, 2010
Undergraduate / "Super-heroes" - Columbia & NYU (Admission essay) [19]

Hahaha no worries man, I hope the powers that be don't suspend you!Personally I enjoyed your essay,it's not boring at all.On the contrary,it was quite amusing!

You can say that someone is an annoying pest in a less obvious way.For example,you could say"His company is almost always a disturbance of peace and his jokes often fall flat, subsequently leaving the intended audience gobsmacked by their utter lack of taste."

In terms of "changing" your essay,I'd suggest going through your grammar and the use of language so that you can polish up on the technicalities.It appears english is not your first language(It's not mine either) so you might have to work extra hard on grammar:)
simbamaxxed   
Oct 19, 2010
Undergraduate / "Super-heroes" - Columbia & NYU (Admission essay) [19]

Gustavo,

Overall,a valiant effort,although at times there were some serious faults in grammar.I'll start with that.

1." Nowadays, I always assure that I have enough money to pick-up my weekly dose of magazines because of one character: Deadpool."(I always ensure...)

2." I don't preach world peace on an absolute scale like Miss America contendants,"(contestants)
3."I am not saying that one should aspire into becoming a clown,"-(aspire to become...)
There are several other grammatical errors which I'll leave you to fix.

In terms of content,you have a good idea,however some of your longer sentences tend to be meaningless. e.g."Therefore, I believe that in order to create as much relationships as possible and to leave a trace of our existence, we must use our human dispositions, true personas and share our first-hand experiences with others; all as different elements of one same community"-(This sentence is convoluted and meaningless...)

Also,I notice that you say this comic book character is a "typical,infuriating pest",then you go on to say he is your hero.Essentially you have said you are a pest.Noone wants a pest in their freshman class.

And this:"He has the sex appeal of Marty Feldman."-Personally,I don't know who Marty Feldman is.I thought this was unnecesary and cheapened your writing.

My apologies for being overly critical.It's just that I really like your idea and would like to read the best version of it.Good luck with your applications:)
simbamaxxed   
Oct 19, 2010
Undergraduate / the International Baccalaureate program - University of Chicago Statement [4]

Caleb,

I agree with the first reviewer.Re-read the first eight sentences of your paragraph(which are the bulk of it),then read the prompt.If you do this,you will realise that you have not answered the question.In fact,you do not mention the University of Chicago at all in these sentences.Rather,you include a discussion of your challenging curriculum.Remember that you are competing with applicants from around the world who are probably IB candidates or are pursuing a curriculum equally challenging,so your curriculum will not be unique to you.

I suggest you include more about UChicago and link your goals and interests and other qualities about your human side that relate to something that is offered at Chicago.You are probably already a meritorious applicant,and that will be apparent from your academic records.You run the risk of losing an opportunity to reveal aspects about your personality at the expense of lauding the rigor of IB,which they are already aware of.
simbamaxxed   
Oct 19, 2010
Undergraduate / "An unlikely musician" - extracurricular activities, Commonapp short answer [6]

Hie guys! Please comment on my commonapp short answer which I'm submitting very soon.Thank you:)

Please elaborate on one of your extracurricular activities:

The first day I opened my mouth to sing a solo in the school choir, hundreds of jaws in our school's auditorium dropped in disbelief. Generally known around the school for being a physics lover and for assisting teachers in the science labs for "Open Day" electronics club demonstrations, my debut in the arts was reason enough for the widespread dismay. That was some years ago, but my passion for music has not waned. Instead, my love for music has grown exponentially. I subsequently performed at several concerts and even dropped electronics club for jazz and continued to improve my piano playing skills. Through the guidance of my music teachers, a husband and wife team that has become like my adoptive parents, I have deepened my understanding of music as a means of bringing joy to others. The highlight of my experiences as a musical performer was performing at the annual National Institute of Allied Arts festival with my school's African Gospel Choir. These electric performances, in which the hundred of us performed joyous African choral pieces, inspired me to re-energize my passion for music and continue to entertain others through my "unlikely" calling as a musician.
simbamaxxed   
Oct 18, 2010
Undergraduate / "I'm a collector of my friends' birthdays" - elaborate on your activity [7]

Xue,

English is not my first language either,but there are several things you can do to improve your command of English,which you could try if you like.For example:

-Read,read and read some more english books.Novels could be a good idea as they teach you different styles of writing and how to convey a story.

-Watch english language films.
-Keep a journal/diary and record your thoughts in english.You'll be surprised at how this can improve your language skills.
-Study the dictionary.I know this sounds crazy,but it really helped me master vocabulary and subsequently use it appropriately.
-Speak,and even try to 'think' in english,not your native language.It helps!
simbamaxxed   
Oct 18, 2010
Undergraduate / "my goals when studying abroad" - what would you bring to the diversity [6]

Huyen,

You don't appear to have answered the question.You gave a detailed description of this musical genre(?) which you love and appreciate,but have made no link whatsoever to how this had prepared you to add diversity to the college community,which,from my understanding,is the assignment.

Maybe you could use this under option 6 "Topic of your choice."

-Also,there are several sentences where the command of English has stifled meaning e.g."I cannot stop thinking about it several days after. "-(Even after several days,I cannot stop thinking about it.)

-"luxurious language "-this is meaningless.Just erase "luxurious"
-Once you heard, you would never forget it. Since girls who listened to Dan Bau used to fall in love with the players who used to be poor artists, old family used to abandon their daughters to approach it. (Again,this sentence is meaningless)

I understand how meaning can be lost especially when english is not the first language.Your work needs a thorough revision in terms of the use of language.:)Good luck .
simbamaxxed   
Oct 18, 2010
Undergraduate / "The tale of Mr. Vandal"(undecided) common app essay [5]

Ren,

First of all,the confucious and einstein quotes are unneccesary,mainly because they are not related to the subject matter.

Secondly,the essay is too long winded and confusing.You take too long to reveal that you are indeed Mr Vandal,and therefore end up puzzling the reader until the very end.There are too many ideas that are intertwined and therefore the reader is unable to understand what you are writing about.From Confusian seminars to the school's PA system to the Chinese minister to under privileged migrant workers to the Smiling society to your television interview etc...It's too much! Focus on one thing and get the best out of it,rather than write about several things which have no obvious connections.

All in all,your essay needs FOCUS.My suggestion is,from the array of things you have chosen in this mix of ideas,just choose one or two ideas and write about only those things.At the moment,you have too much going on here.
simbamaxxed   
Oct 18, 2010
Undergraduate / "I'm a collector of my friends' birthdays" - elaborate on your activity [7]

Xue,

It's good,but there are grammar issues which need to be adressed:

e.g.However, as my collection booming, the experiment seemed to be less important than the birthdays themselves. (As my collection BOOMED).Furthermore"boomed" is not sounding right in this context.Maybe "grew" would be a more durable substitute.

- More than collections, what I'm doing is to depict my life in another form.
(this sentence is meaningless...make it simpler so as to achieve clarity.)

There are several more confucing or meaningless sentences.The idea is unique,but your command of english is stifling that idea.Thoroughly revise your use of english so that the true meaning of what you are trying to say comes out clearly.
simbamaxxed   
Oct 17, 2010
Undergraduate / "Turkey, my home" - the environment you were raised. TUFTS SHORT ANSWER [3]

Izel,
I believe you approached this topic from the wrong angle.Your have taken the topic too LITERALLY,and therefore wrote about the geography of your environment.Unfortunately this is not what the prompt demands.From my understanding,the topic is instructing you to write about your background,upbringing and possibly relationships with those around you,and how the experiences emanating form those interactions have influenced the state you are in as a person today.It seems english is not your first language(It's not mine either) so some of your expressions are confusing or meaningless.

e.g."There you go, my father opens the door with his oily hands from the "börek" he's been cooking. At first sight, He doesn't likes you, asking for his little daughter,but he skeptically invites you in. "

Also do away with the unwarranted onomatopoeia i.e."Ding-Dong! "

your work needs massive revision in terms of the use of language and alsoin terms of staying relevant to the question.

good luck::)
simbamaxxed   
Oct 17, 2010
Undergraduate / "basketball games" - Why Duke? Supplement Essay. [4]

jeff,

This is a plausible response to the prompt.However,something caught my eye at the the end.You write"There is something about Duke that has always captivated my imagination." I would ask you,WHAT IS IT?" Then you also write:"Duke is the place that I have dreamt about spending my college years, and I am looking forward to making that dream a reality." I would ask you WHY WHY and WHY.If you answer these same questions which you yourself posed in the fullest way possible ,your essay would be a winner:)

It seems as though you have adequately lauded Duke for it's greatness,but you haven't mentioned how you can match and relate your goals and interests to what Duke has to offer you,and why you should be given the opportunity to take advantage of them.Your essay definetely says"I know a lot about Duke,my brother goes there."But take it a step further by connecting your past and present experiences to what Duke has to offer.

Hope this helps you on your journey to Duke:)
simbamaxxed   
Oct 14, 2010
Undergraduate / "A Mug of Bliss" - Yale supplement essay help, should I submit this? [9]

I would DEFINETELY submit it.You could have said exactly the same thing in a bland and boring way,but instead you chose to intersperse your ideas with the love of something as simple as chocolate.I believe this could work in your favour and set you apart.

I think the second paragraph is the most crucial because it summarises the entire crux of the essay,so when you cut it down,try to keep that part in full.You write very well:)goodluck with your yale application!
simbamaxxed   
Oct 14, 2010
Undergraduate / The values of knowledge and leadership - Yale supplement essay [7]

Vlad,

Your command of the English language seems to be hindering the expression of your ideas a bit.
The essay lacks clarity and structure and at times it's very difficult to follow what you are trying to say.All in all,I am doubtful whether your chosen topic is really what they are looking for in this part of the application.You seem to have resorted to writing about an intellectual,almost academic subject.Remember that they know about your academic abilities from your grades and SAT scores from your school report.I would imagine here they are trying to learn more about your human side:you as a person.Your background,what you value and how you interact with others.You can still use this same topic,but try to reveal aspects about your human side as you do that.

I hope I've helped you:Lots of luck with your applications:)
simbamaxxed   
Oct 13, 2010
Undergraduate / "Getting lost in a book" - University of Chicago 'Find X' Essay [6]

Great take on this prompt,which I dutifully avoided when I was doing my Chicago essays! Look,this is a prompt that can be interpreted in a hundred different and equally valid ways.

Yours was a wonderful interpretation,although I suspect that a lot of people will go the same route in answering this question.You're clearly a very good writer,and this piece shows it.

My observation would be that because the prompt is quirky and unusual,a quirkier,slightly more outrageous style would do good to your already competent essay.My point is,tweak it slightly to give it a more edgy feel,in keeping with the prompt itself.

Otherwise,It's a great effort.Lot's of luck to you:)

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