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Posts by Editor1010
Joined: Oct 9, 2010
Last Post: Nov 30, 2011
Threads: 9
Posts: 33  

From: United States of America

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Editor1010   
Nov 30, 2011
Undergraduate / 'Coming to the United States with nothing' - THE WORLD YOU COME FROM [3]

I understand you said the Berlin wall, I feel as though that you shouldn't include Berlin, into or you could add a detail of how you felt you weren't getting what you needed, because of this wall. I feel like its enough to just say wall. Overall its a really good essay with a lot of good vocab.

Have a read over my essay,tell me what you think!
Editor1010   
Nov 30, 2011
Writing Feedback / A stereotype about America essay [3]

This is a really long essay, therefore I don't expect people to check this whole essay, however it was be greatly appreciated if you simply gave me your thoughts on it, and whether or not it was a good essay.

Americans are known for being patriotic, the people that will stand up for their country through it all. However, if one thinks about it, even when going out to a local store, they will see that America is full of immigrants and foreigners. People immigrate to America every year in search of finding the American Dream, searching for life they never had and giving it to their children. However, they may soon realize that although this is the life they want, they may not necessarily be wanted here. While driving, on a regular basis I see bumper stickers that say "Stop Buying Foreign." Some Americans believe that countries such as China our hurting our economy and taking our jobs, and because of this are against the idea of immigrants coming here. Though, if one stops and thinks they may see that there is a benefit and a reason behind foreigners coming to America. No one wants to be left out, therefore, foreigners are trying to become part of the crowd, trying to become "American." However, although they may act, dress, and do what Americans do they may still not be accepted and discriminated against. If we put the stereotypes of what we eat, how we dress aside, what do other countries believe an American is?

Stereotypically, France is known for being against immigrants. They are currently trying to deport the foreign Roma (gypsies) that are in their country, because they don't want to change the country that they have lived in France is the country that does not want change. Laws are also being passed against Muslim women wearing the head scarf. This is a perfect example of them not wanting diversity are change. They do not want people coming into their country and changing people's views, or having any influence. France merely wants to be left alone. It is as though France does not want to see the benefits of the foreigners in their country, due to the fact that they are so against them. This is similar to some Americans who are also against foreigners; however, we are the country that has the most diversity. You can see the diversity everywhere that you go, and everywhere that you look you see people in America that are different in various ways. This is a very ironic idea. Although the number of immigrants coming to America may decrease over the years, people will continue to come here. In the essay "The Real Story of the Superheroes," Ducle Pinzon discusses the benefits and reasoning behind immigrants. He shows various examples of little jobs that many people may not want to do, but jobs that immigrants will do. He gives the example of the nanny, the construction worker, and the waiter, who all came here to make money, and is sending it back to their family. An American may never know how such people feel. They may not realize that this is the only option that they may have. Everyone has a reason for the actions they do.

The view of this issue may differ from person to person, and from the people's pasts. My views on this topic may be different than someone else's, simply because my parents immigrated to America, before I was born. In my opinion this is the best thing that they did for me and they had a great reason for doing so. In Turkey, the country from which I am from, it is very difficult to get into a university and begin an education. However, being in America it is much easier. There are various options for someone that doesn't get into a top university. I have many cousins that due to the educational system, wanted to, but did not get into a college. Due to the one life changing decision that my father made, I can now attend a university, and hopefully have a career that I want to pursue. The real answer that I believe one must answer is what is an American? I find myself wondering this question when I ask people where they are from. Many times I receive answers like, Irish, German, and Scottish, perhaps diversity is stereotyped. Are the people in my class whose parents were born here more American than I am? I believe the answer is, no.

Perhaps the biggest stereotypes that other countries have of America are merely the answer to that question of, what is an American. Other countries may see America is being a nationalistic country, but some may not ever realize that American is the most diverse country. America is a country with people that speak different languages and have different skin color. One may not be able to say this about any other country. If one thinks of a French person, they may have one view in mind; if one thinks of an Indian, they may have another. Philippe Legrain's essay "Cultural Globalization is Not Americanization" asks the question of national identity being dead. He claims that people who speak the same language are hardly born near each other. This is the reason I feel it is so hard to answer such a simple question of what an American is. If it wasn't for foreigners America wouldn't be the country that it is today.

A perfect example of diversity in America can be illustrated by the food we eat. Food is another variable that is highly influenced my culture and the area that you live in. However, when thinking about the question of what foods Americans eat, one may find themselves giving answers that are in fact other nationalities dishes. This is due to the fact that from the beginning foreigners have been here and have changed America, for what I believe the better. One may ask anyone or even themselves, and recount what they ate for the past week and the restaurants that they went to. They will find the foods are Mexican, Italian, maybe Arabic dishes. However, there are the typical meals that may come to one's mind that a1re labeled as American, such as a hamburger and fries. America has become such a diverse place over the years. As the years pass more and more changes are becoming of society. However, although places like urban Detroit is very diverse there will always be some states that never experience the full diversity of America. Thus, they may not be as open minded as someone that is living in Detroit. We are seen as the country that is accepting and in my opinion this is a great characteristic to have.

When looking at other countries, often one finds that they are against change. Americans may often get upset that foreigners are taking over our jobs; however, if one were to speak to a foreign country they may be saying the same thing about us. America is known for interfering into other countries, as the years pass, American ideas are spreading to other countries. Other countries are not happy that fast food restaurants from America are taking over their countries. From even this statement, one sees that America is very much different from many countries. Perhaps the answer of what is an American is not so easy to answer. One should ignore all stereotypes of an average American, and look more places to find what a true American is. I believe one will never find the answer to this question, because of the assortment of people in this country. Perhaps, one day every body will be connected together and accepted. Though, there will always be a group of people that are seen as different. The melting pot of America will never stop melting.
Editor1010   
Oct 13, 2011
Writing Feedback / Work/Money impact of Jobs on life [5]

I didn't mean to offend you, it's just that in my writing my thoughts are pretty good, except I have a lot of problems with grammar, sentence claritiy, and things like that the structure for example. I just prefer you to check the grammar, I know you're busy, but you checked my last essays once and provided a lot of detailed grammatical errors that I made and it was very beneficial.

What do you mean you are making fun of me, I honestly, thought that last comment was some actual advice? I am sorry for not replying, I checked back a couple times but didn't notice you had written something else, I'm sorry.
Editor1010   
Oct 12, 2011
Writing Feedback / essay about women opportunities [4]

First, in the past women used to only be the house maker. Women nurture their house and children in highly organized ways. The past 10 years with the increase in the level of education for women the challenges of the world has increased. These encourage her to move on the her ambitions and success in the field of life For instance, women nowadays tend to spend more time on work, rather than with their children and husbands.
Editor1010   
Oct 12, 2011
Undergraduate / 'the four hundred meters athlete' - extracurricular activities or work experience [4]

I was the four hundred meter athlete during my freshman and sophomore years. To me, stamina, strength, willpower and concentration are the four essential components in racing the four hundred meters. The race is neither too long or too short, but I have to put my whole concentration into the race. It is not only a race, but a higher level of training for my abiding willpower and strength. Although, training for an athlete is sometimes toilsome and I want to give up, I have to endure and overcome this. By overcoming the adversities in training, it has helped me to persist in everything I do and not give up. Unfortunately, after I became injured from the swimming gala, which indicated that, I can't do it anymore. I benefit a lot from this sport since it gave me a really clear objective in my life.

All of a sudden you just stop the paragraph, you need to ease the reader into ending it. Also, I didn't make my corrections red I'm sorry hope I helped! :)
Editor1010   
Oct 12, 2011
Undergraduate / 'when my family broke' - VT short answer [6]

When I think of the word "family," I think of unity, but when I think of my "family" I think of broken. You see My oldest sister gave birth to my niece, Allison, on December 4, 2009. Incapable of taking care of her, Ali came to my home 2two days later. With both of my parents working they were unsure of being able to raise a 10th child.reword this it's kind of confusing, try : With both of my parents working, they were unsure if they'd be able to raise a tenth child.

Do not talk to the write try not to use you. Your use of pronouns is quite confusing, I didn't make everything I edited red, so you have to read it to see what I changed I hope you like it :)
Editor1010   
Oct 12, 2011
Writing Feedback / Work/Money impact of Jobs on life [5]

When one applies to anything one question always comes up, whether or not one has any job experience. Due to this one can only conclude that job experience is important. Even, when applying to college having a job is very important for the college to understand that one has good time management. Not only is a having a job, at a young age good for time management it is also good for many other reasons, such as learning independence, self confidence, and ownership. These items are very important for the development of an individual and having a job helps shape these greatly. Having a job benefits and individual greatly, and as one grows older these benefits become more evident and more gratifying.

At a young age one can begin even the easiest job, for example, a paper route. From that early age they learn responsibility. They know that in the morning they have to get up at the same time, and complete the task they are being paid for. The receiving of money teaches the child at a young age of ownership, they understand that if they want something their parents are not willing to buy them, they can buy it themselves. This helps the child with independence, and helps the child learn that he can do what he wants, if given the opportunity. Finally, self confidence is learned through being independent. From my experience, earning an allowance was very important to me. With this extra money I could treat myself to something that my parents may not have necessarily bought me. Although my parents were the ones giving me this money, it still felt good knowing that I had earned it. As I had more job experiences, I learned that now having a job has a greater impact on life.

From this early age one learns that you have to work hard in order to gain something. This is very important at this age to know this because they will learn to not take things for granted. If one sees the difficulties of earning money, they will be more thankful for the things that they receive. In Dagoberto Gilb's essay, Work Union, he says that the only good in work is when the very best people work hard. Money isn't easily earned and to earn well money one may have to go through many years of schooling.

The influence of jobs continues to increase as aging goes on. During high school when a one begins to become even more independent having a job can help this process. With their job they can buy a car if they will, go out to dinner, and hang out with friends. This allows for an even greater development of ownership of their property. The items that they buy become more important, knowing that they worked hard to earn them. A big part of having a job during these years is important, in that they are starting to save up for college. This provides even more responsibility, and one the most important at this time is financial responsibility. They learn to spend money wisely, and know learn the responsibilities of abusing the use of money. One characteristic that will continue in ones life that is very well is teamwork and communications.

Most jobs that one contributes in during teen years, are dealing with people. This is very beneficial to an individual especially in later careers. Communication is very important no matter what job; you go into; from being a teacher and communicating with your students to being an engineer and communicating during an important meeting with your co workers. From my own experiences, and interacting with people in my age group, I can see in those people that have jobs, a higher level of confidence and communication. Another very important aspect of having a job, contributes to laziness.

Obviously one can not have a job and be laziness. These are two words that do not go hand in hand. There is an example, of this from Gilb's essay again, when he mentions that it is human to work, to bend and grip, to lift and pull. This doesn't necessarily mean that not doing these things makes you lazy; however, it is just an example of the meaning of work. These can be used as metaphors for other characteristics such as working hard in order to get a point across in a meeting. This attribution of not being lazy is very beneficial to have at a young age. In addition, with working in a fast food restaurant an adolescent may see that with this amount of money it is hard to provide for them. This leads to one striving to have more of an impact on ones society.

As one grows older, having a job becomes of more importance. It is no longer whether or not you have enough money to go to dinner with some friends. Rather, having a job affects your family and the people around you. Even at this age, having a job can have an effect on self confidence and responsibility. During the middle ages of ones life, there comes the factor of people depending on you. When one doesn't have people that depend on them this may even lead to laziness. In order for self confidence an adult must feel that they are valued in their society. Not having involvement in the society, for example by providing for you family can leave a person feeling shallow.

I believe that every job out there contributes to society in some way. The biggest contribution a job has is to the individual doing it. Jobs teach a person many things; self confidence, responsibility, and ownership.
Editor1010   
Sep 28, 2011
Undergraduate / "Dehumanized" challenged me. UVA Supplement [8]

I really liked it :) well written just fix that little think I believe. Also, I really don't understand from your writing what the book was about, you should try making that more clear.

Slouka's central argument in this piece of art challenged and inspiredchallenges and inspires me to pursue my career through another mode of education. By obtaining better critical thinking skills and a global perspective, my analytical skills and creativity will allow me to succeed in my career
Editor1010   
Sep 26, 2011
Writing Feedback / Explore some of the aspects or even a single aspect of "identity". [5]

Thanks for your feedback however I feel that the following statement "(Hard to believe given your grammatical skill and vocabulary choice)" was very unnecessary. I finished high school at the top of my class, and although I may not be good at writing essays you have no right to say this. I wish I could report you some how for putting me down in that way.
Editor1010   
Sep 26, 2011
Undergraduate / "Dehumanized" challenged me. UVA Supplement [8]

I really didn't know how to edit your essay it truely is very good, however, you switch between past tense and present tense, you have to stick to one. Present tense being the best option :)
Editor1010   
Sep 26, 2011
Undergraduate / "My motivation of not giving up" - UC Personal Statement Prompt#2 [3]

Although I have encountered many hardships before, there's one that strongly impressed me, and it taught me no matter what difficulty you are dealing with, you will be able to overcome it as long as your perseverance and strength exist. This is very wordy and doesn't make much sense try this

Although, I have encountered many hardships in my life, there's one that strongly impressed me. This hardship taught me that no matter what difficulty you are faced with, you can overcome it. Also you shouldn't say YOU to much in your essays. Try to take those outs, if you can.

This was happened about a year ago. This happened to me a year ago.

One day, I and some of my friends One day, my friends and I, saw a poster that said a 24-hour hiking event would be held by a charity organization.The purpose of the event was to fundraise for a retirement home to renew its facilities.

I reallyb elieve that you should read your essay aloud before you had submitted it here, there are many basic grammer mistakes that I belive you yourself could fix :) I tried to help sorry for not being much help
Editor1010   
Sep 26, 2011
Undergraduate / 'a Japanese speaking class' - Elaborate on one extracurricular activity [4]

When I was a 12th-grade student, I had the chance to organize a Japanese speaking class to teach university students. Dreaming of becoming a professor after graduating from college, I conceived that this teaching experience would be an excellent opportunity for me to enhance my ability, and find out the way to improve myself. I feel as though you should try to break this sentence up some how its really long.

On the first day I made acquaintance with some of my students, I shrugged a bit, thinking if I was a well-qualified person to lead these people for the lecture, as all of them were of Japanese major again here although this is correct grammar I really do not think you should have so many commas try to break it up a little.

Fairly soon, however, I noticed that the concern was purely redundant. They followed the class extremely well, and, in most cases, tried their best to make progress. I enjoyed tutoring them very much. I would rather say that the lesson was mine, because the experience showed me the effective way to communicate with people of difference race, age, and language, hurling down the invisible walls existing between them and me.

I raelly believe that you should talk about more with what you did with the students, you can have up to 1000 words you should really use more of that ooppurtunity to let the university know what you did.
Editor1010   
Sep 26, 2011
Undergraduate / 'a country with a positive society' - Just a start- FSU essay [2]

I realized after the video that leadership is more than being the President I feel as though you should change that sentence because it seems a little weird that right after that video that you'd realize that, maybe say something else led you to believe that.

A simple action such as organizing a group to bring milk to Armenia builds character and leadership. Bringing milk to a poverty-fulfilled country allows the children to gain hope that their country is moving in a positive direction. Explain why bringing milk will allow children to gain hope, what is special about milk? Why not bringing food?

I have grown up in a country with a positive society, that of which third world countries strive to obtain. The society contains leadership of all aspects, big and small. The documentary that I watched lacked individuals that bring leadership to a country. The majority of the video, consisted of children cupping their hands; an action that is rarely seen in America. If leadership is brought to Armenia, pressing issues could be seen in a brighter light. This light represents positive changes.

I really do not understand if you picked leadership as your essay, you didn't really explain what leadership skills you had, you merely just talked about what leadership was. I believe the University wants to know what YOUR leadership skills are.
Editor1010   
Sep 26, 2011
Writing Feedback / Explore some of the aspects or even a single aspect of "identity". [5]

Explore some of the aspects or even a single aspect of "identity" and personal development realities using your ideas and experience of self and others as the main source.

There are many interpretations of the word identity. It can be seen in many different ways; social identity, individual identity, cultural identity, etc. At a point in your life you may not even know what your identity is. Some people often find themselves lost and confused about who they truly are. When a person reaches that point in their life in which they have found their true identity and their purpose that is when a person has reached self actualization. This is the point in someone's life where they are content with their own talents and fulfillments. For some the question of identity may be easy, but for some it may not. Identity is something that is impacted greatly by ones surroundings. I feel that the biggest impact on your identity is your parents. Identity formation begins at an early age, the point when we have our parents telling us what to do, who to talk with, what to believe in, etc. My identity is something that I am not even sure if it is found yet or not. However, there are many people that are stuck in between two identities. What they themselves want to do and what their parents want.

From an early age, our only environment is our family. The way our family interacts with each other and how they treat each other is a great influence on a young child. These small things begin to shape a person's identity. A child will know the expectations the parents have on them from an early age. The expectations your parents have from you affect your life significantly, they are the two people that you want to make the most proud. I believe that a big influence my parents have had in my own life is what they expected from me educationally.

My father like many immigrant parents, decided to come to the United States, in order to give us better opportunities in life. Many immigrant families that come to the United States have very high standards they feel their children need to meet. Like me, who growing up always felt the need to be at the top of my class to insure that I receive the best grades in order to make my parents proud. Individuals with such parents feel this way because their parents gave up a part of their lives in order for the success of their children. This is similar to the story of Nguyen entitled, A Good Immigrant Student. In this short story about her life, she discusses how as a student she was insufferably good, and as she gives examples of having perfect cursive, and the highest possible scores in every class. Although Nguyen felt she had to try hard in order to impress her teachers, so they would better like her. I felt the need to try hard, in order to impress my parents and make them proud of me.

From my experience with being around other students with immigrant parents, there aren't a lot of careers their families want them to go into. There is being a lawyer or doctor mostly. Being a doctor had always been my goal in life too. From the point that I was in second grade and decided that I wanted to be a pediatrician. My family members referred to me as Dr. Dilara, as a funny nick name. This made me feel good about myself, I was excited to continue with my education and make them all proud of me. There is always a point in life where you may found yourself lost with yourself. This point in my life began in junior year of high school, in my PreCalulus math class. I loved the way my teacher taught us, how he made things so simple for us to understand. I began to think about becoming a teacher. However, knowing my parents wouldn't be very happy with my thoughts I didn't tell anyone. I felt rebellious for wanting to do this. This is again similar to Nguyen and how at times in her own life she wanted to be like the rebellious children in her class. She was tired of being so perfect. It was evident from the context of her story, that she wanted this burden of trying so hard to be perfect to be gone. When someone constantly has something expected from them often they get tired of trying so hard. This was the time in my own life that I was tired of trying so hard to get that 4.0 GPA in high school. Of course I still wanted to succeed so I never gave up trying.

I continued trying as hard as I could to succeed in my classes. Though, I was completely confused. I was stuck between two identities, what my parents wanted and what I wanted. My parents only wanted the best for me they knew that by trying I could succeed, although, many times I didn't want to try so hard. The fact of going to school for 10 more years didn't sound very good to me at the time. My whole life I was so sure that being what my parents wanted was good for me. From the moment I started school it was engraved in my mind that I had to be the best. I had no other choice, I was never given the option to explore and look for other careers. I felt similar to Andrew Sullivan's essay about The End of Gay Culture. In which at one point he describes how gay men and women were not seen as fully male or female. He describes how they were put down in society and burdened for what they believed.

The topic once came up when my younger sister was speaking to my father about wanting to be a teacher. He continued speaking to her and thought this would be a good career for her. I stepped into the conversation and jokingly commented saying, "Dad I want to be a teacher." He immediately looked angry and didn't understand why I'd want to do that, when according to him I had such high potential. I told him that I could do what I wanted to do, and what would make me happiest. Deep down, however, I myself was confused. The thought of him not even considering what I wanted to do was what made me angry. I felt as though I was never given an option on what I wanted to do. Considering being something other than a doctor isn't okay for my parents. I relate to Steptoe in her story about the Black girl who loved country music. She felt as though because of her skin color it was wrong for her to do this. She probably felt confused as well. Everyone around her was acting as though what she was doing was wrong, but as long as she enjoyed it why did it matter.

As of now, I am confused. Just like many of us when it comes to identity. Just as many of the characters in the various stories and essays. It is often hard to find one self when you have so many things around you impacting your decisions. So many things such as stereotypes, family, and the environment you live in. Sometimes you just have to go on with life the way you want to live it, and just see where it takes you. I still haven't reached that point in my life where I know who I truly am. I know I will one day.
Editor1010   
Feb 23, 2011
Book Reports / 1984 Analysis Paper on 3 inherently contradictory Slogans [2]

I know it is a long essay but if someone would be so kind as to read it over

How are the 3 slogans so inherently contradictory? What does each slogan imply about their society? How is the party able to get people to accept them as logical?

The novel 1984, by George Orwell, begins with Winston Smith, the main character, coming back from work to his apartment. While going up the stairs he sees the huge poster of a face that says " BIG BROTHER IS WATCHING YOU." Winston is part of the Party that rules all of Airstrip One. This is a totalitarian government, which controls all people. During times of the week there are Two Minutes Hate in which all the people came together and strike against Goldstein. The three slogans of the party were on the screen during the whole Hate and these three slogans were on the face of the Ministry of Truth. These slogans are, war is peace, freedom is slavery, and ignorance is strength. These three slogans are all contradictory too each other, but with further examination you can see that each one is far more complex and they all have deeper meanings.

The basic definition of war is a conflict between two parties and the basic definition of peace is agreement between two parties. Just from these basic definitions one can see that these are the total opposites of each other. How can this be a slogan then? When breaking this slogan apart you see that the reason that war is peace, is because the ongoing war between the nations keeps the people of Oceania united. " It is precisely in the Inner Party that war hysteria and hatred of the enemy is the strongest" ( Orwell 159). The hatred for the enemy is what mainly keeps the people united. Every person in the inner party has one thing in common and that is the hatred for the enemy. Therefore they are all able to strike together in a unified fashion. However, the war of Oceania is a never ending war that has been going on for over 25 years. " But when war becomes literally continuous, it also ceases to be dangerous" (Orwell 163). Whether or not there is a war going on between the nations doesn't make a difference to many of the inner party members. They go on with their regular lives as if nothing was going on. This is especially true when a war becomes continuous, whether or not the three states agreed for peace or continued to fight really makes no difference. Also, this distraction of war and the continuous hatred keeps people distracted from what is really going on at home. The people of Oceania are all under the control of the Party, and all fight for what the Party believes. What happens when a person doesn't follow what the Party wants is corruption.

" How could you have a slogan like 'freedom is slavery' when the concept of freedom has been abolished" ( Orwell 47). During the times of this novel slavery did not exist and had not exists for centuries, it doesn't make sense to say freedom is slavery. When you are under the control of another person are you free? Even though the people of the Party are free individuals they are constantly living under the control of the Party. "That the party was the eternal guardian of the weak, a dedicated sect doing evil that good might come, sacrificing its own happiness to that of others"(217). The people if the inner party have lived in this society for so long that any other way of life would seem odd to them. They would not be able to survive any other way. Thus, being free would cause them to fail, an independent person whom can do whatever they want is subject to be unsuccessful. The people of the inner party, however, do not see that their every move is controlled by the Party.

Ignorance is the lack of of not knowing, the people of the inner party do not know that they are being controlled by the Party provides strength for the nation. However, knowing gives a person strength, without knowing there is no strength. The Party is able to control all these people and keep a strong nation together as a whole. If all the people are the Party are told to believe one thing and all suspicion of that thing being doubtful is gone, there is strength. "A Party member lives from birth to death under the eye of the Thought Police"(Orwell 168). The people are not allowed to believe anything other than what they are told to believe. The Party makes sure that the people are not thinking otherwise is my using Though Police to control the people. The Party rulers also alter the past such as changing past newspapers, books, or magazines. This is done so that things from the past do not interfere with things of the present. They must show that all their predictions were right and that they are all powerful. "But by far the more important reason for the readjustment of the past is the need to safeguard the infallibility of the Party" ( Orwell 175). This alternation is necessary to keep people ignorant so they are not able to fight back. The Party continuous makes sure that they are infallible and that they will never fall.

However, the main question is how the party gets the people to accept these things. The answer to this lies in one word, double think. "Doublethink means the power of holding two contradictory beliefs in one's mind simultaneously, and accepting both of them" ( Orwell 176). This is when the people of the Party know that something is true but they are forced to believe that something else is true. "As we have seen. the mystique of the Party, and above all of the Inner Party, depends upon doublethink" (Orwell 179).The Party used this to constantly control what the people thought. Due to the fact that they had complete control they could make the people think whatever they wanted.

Each of these slogans are used to allow the people to believe that their government is the best government and that there is nothing wrong with what they do. The people constantly had to be told what was true and what was not. There is nothing wrong with war, slavery, or ignorance. Although all these slogans are contradictory slogans, one saw that these slogans have multipart meanings and take a lot of thought to completely understand, and yet one can not fully understand them. If you were lead to only believe those things that a greater power told you to, wouldn't you?
Editor1010   
Nov 27, 2010
Undergraduate / "I became proud of being Turkish" - Michigan State - Diversity Essay [2]

" Where are you from?" I always didn't love answering that question, I grew into loving to answer it. I now love surprising people with my proud response, " Turkey." Growing up I called myself an American. I was a young child when I realized that something was missing. I knew I was Turkish, but I could not write or read and had difficulties speaking the language. Upon realizing this I felt out of place. I was a Turk, but besides my last name there was nothing that showed this. That year I taught myself how to read and write, the alphabet being the same it was not that difficult. I began to watch Turkish movies striving to expand my vocabulary. Something was missing. Finally after four years of not going to Turkey, my parents surprised us with a trip. We packed our bags and flew to our country. I had butterflies in my stomach the whole way, after a long 10 hour flight we finally arrived. I looked around at all the people that's when I felt I finally belonged somewhere. Being in this different country, it was amazing to see a world I had seen so long ago. The people were so different, the interactions people had were so unique. That summer was amazing I felt like I grew so much. That was the summer I became proud of being Turkish. I came back to America telling people about all the adventures I had. This opened my view to the whole world. I was young but realized that there was such diversity in our world. Everywhere I went I realized that there was different people, different skin colors, hair colors, and different styles. I soon realized that even in my own classroom there was such diversity, and everyone had a special background to them. Being Turkish has taught me so much in this point of view. Being from a different country has taught me to love those of different ethnicities and to never judge anyone by the color of their skin. Nothing will get in my way of working with others, I will make sure to succeed and will go past any obstacle that comes in my way.
Editor1010   
Oct 27, 2010
Undergraduate / "How I've come to accept my father's return to Russia" Common app essay [5]

* make your whole essay the same tense !! very important

Fearing that frankness would chase him away, sure that I could not survive without his love and guidance, I did everything in my power to avoid arguments with him - I ruined my relationship with my mother, I ignored my friends (some of whom I have trouble talking to even now), and I allowed pleasing my father to become my life's focus. RUN ON!

He left anyway. reword, doesnt makes sense ? complete sentence ?

His nighttime phone call from Russia, telling me that he was on the other side of the Earth and would not be coming back, broke my heart. It was the first time in many years that I showed my weakness to him and cried. The pain destroyed my carefully constructed defenses, and for the next three years the only way I could survive was to shut him out. Oh, I would still talk to him, email him, reply to his questions, but our conversations started focusing on the weather, and what few plants managed to survive in my garden. RUN ON

I hated him for leaving me for his childhood love. What good was I, if my own father chose some random woman and her delinquent daughter over me? At one point I even told my mother that it would have been easier to bear if he were dead.

Still, I loved him. I loved him because he was my father, because of the close link we had shared; and because, no matter what he had done or would do, I would still love him. RUN ON

Please check some of mine! thanks
Editor1010   
Oct 27, 2010
Undergraduate / "What I Will Become" - How the College Curriculum will help me with my Interests [4]

Describe the unique qualities that attract you to the specific undergraduate College or School (including preferred admission and dual degree programs) to which you are applying at the University of Michigan. How would that curriculum support your interests? (500 words maximum)

What I Will Become

"Is it going to hurt?" I asked Dr.Khan, my pediatrician, as she held the needle in her hands, that at the time looked so long. I was frightened and kept squinting my eyes, afraid of the pain I was about to go through. "All done," she suddenly said. As I opened my eyes I realized there was a band aid on my arm. I got scared for that ? I laughed to myself, hopping off the bed, and walked over to my mom. There were so many kids, of all ages, at her office and they were all being taken care of by my pediatrician. I was astonished at the fact that because of her these kids were healthy. She was the one that provided them with the care they needed and me with the care I needed every time I got ill or simply needed a check up. Due to or normal visits, she had become part of our family. I looked up to her and I still do. Dr. Khan helped me realized that I want to be someone that helps children. I want to be able to protect the core of our world. Our world begins with children and if children are not healthy. Where do we go ?

I was in the second grade that I finally decided that I would be a doctor. I was so excited when my father started calling me Dr. Dilara. I knew this dream wasn't one that I would soon forget. I knew that this is what I wanted to do with my life. I had to find a good university to be able to achieve this goal. Of course at such a small age I didn't know of any. But, at the time blue and yellow were my favorite colors. When I found that there was a college with those colors I was so excited. Instantly, I began to love the University of Michigan. I told myself that I would go to this school. It wasn't until seventh grade that I realized that it was no longer the colors, it was the school. I wanted to be a wolverine. Knowing it was a competitive school I realized from that point on I had to try my hardest to do all I could to get in.

To accomplish my dreams I know that the College of Literature, Science, and Arts at the University of Michigan, will allow this. Of course this curriculum will support me in that it will provide me with the education I need to be able to get me where I want to go. This curriculum has a diversity of classes that will permit me to take the ones I am most interested in. With this I will be able to take classes such as Biology or Chemistry that will provide me with the education I need to get into Medical School. This College will support me and enable me to make that childhood dream come true. The answer to that typical question asked to all little kids, " what do you want to be when your older?" will be fulfilled. I will be who I have wanted to be for all these years.
Editor1010   
Oct 19, 2010
Undergraduate / The Turkish Community - Common Application [7]

Finally, all my needs were met. I long to learn what I was " born to do." I am still young living my life, one step at a time.

That was me relating it again I am longing to reach self actualization.

Also this is too many words please help me shorten it
Editor1010   
Oct 16, 2010
Undergraduate / The Turkish Community - Common Application [7]

Everyone belongs to many different communities and/or groups defined by (among other things) shared geography, religion, ethnicity, income, cuisine, interest, race, ideology, or intellectual heritage. Choose one of the communities to which you belong, and describe that community and your place within it. (Approximately 250 words)

According to Abraham Maslow there are five basic needs that humans must have to sustain live. Those being physicals things, safety, love and belonging, esteem, and self actualization. In order to reach the highest level of this process which is self actualization all other needs must be met. Self actualization is a person needing to be what they were " born to do". The community you belong to plays a great role in all of these needs. The community that I feel I most strongly belong to is being Turkish. Growing up much of this community was not obvious to me, I called myself an American. My parents always making sure our physical needs were met not once did I feel they weren't. We were always sent to the best schools, my parents always made sure that we would be safe. I felt loved by everyone, my friends, family, and teachers. I was still a young child growing up and learning new things.

...
Editor1010   
Oct 16, 2010
Undergraduate / "My Significant experience" From reticient to confident --Commonapp Essay [5]

It is never good to start an essay with a question also you are using the word YOU do not talk to the reader this is very important in formal writing.

I remember those kids at recess who were always picked last to play a game. They usually were not the most athletic or talkative people.

As a child, I was always known for my intellectual skills rather than athletic skills. However, being taller than the average 5th grader always led people to think I was the next Michael Jordan. Consequently, when it came to basketball; I was often picked to join one of the teams. After the team viewed my lack of coordination with the basketball, they soon asked if anyone else would like to play and take my spot.
Editor1010   
Oct 16, 2010
Undergraduate / "Being a Twin" - College Application Personal Essay [14]

It is an overall good essay however, I dont see the point of it honestly. You can talk about a lot of stuff and then in the end its like BOOM last sentence. You should interwine that last sentence through out your whole essay.

The second people learn I am an identical twin, the second everything previously being discussed is forgotten. School...sports...weather...you name it-gone. When my brother and I are actually together, there is no casual discussion. A total stranger will come up to you like you've known one another for years. A simple glance is all it takes to spark an interest, and so begins the flow of questions. This whole paragraph is so confusing what are you trying to say ? reword it

I look forward to my college experience as a chance for people to know the ME, and not (just) the WE. Its poor writing to use caps as you did. I understand you are trying to emphasize it but you haev to do that another way

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Editor1010   
Oct 16, 2010
Undergraduate / College of Arts and Sciences field - Cornell Supplement Essay [4]

Your introduction is way too complicated its obvious you were trying to make it sound good. It isnt too nice I think you should change it a little. There is a lot of stuff going on and its just confusing.
Editor1010   
Oct 16, 2010
Undergraduate / "Swimming lessons" - Activity essay [5]

"You must grab me tightly!" my mother said firmly.As if teaching her to swim was putting her whole life at risk.

I taught her nearly 100 times the swimming gesture. Obviously, my mother completely forgot everything I said the second she immersed into the water.

This essay has very poor wording I tried working with it. I am sorry this is very poor writing. You need to really work on it.
Editor1010   
Oct 12, 2010
Undergraduate / Commonapp Essay: How my mom has influenced me [3]

I am sure that this is not the most pick on surprising or unique response, but when thinking of the person who has had the most significant influence on me, the name comes quickly: Mom. reword this sentence its a run on

She hasn't had a significant influence on me simply because she has raised me, but because of the circumstances she did it under and the things that she taught me along the way. very poor wording and some what confusing.

Try... " She has not had a significant influence on my simply because she raised me, however, the circumstances she raised me under and the things she taught me along the way.

Please check some of my Father Essay :D
Editor1010   
Oct 12, 2010
Undergraduate / Personal struggle with epilepsy - Feedback [4]

Its really good so far with some errors. But the main part of this quesiton is " that have shaped or impacted your abilities or academic credentials, personal responsibilities, exceptional achievements or talents, educational goals, or ways in which you might contribute to an institution committed to creating a diverse learning environment."

You have to write about how your epilepsy has shaped you. Perhaps caused you to strive to do better or maybe becaues of it you did bad in school for a while. Let them know !
Editor1010   
Oct 12, 2010
Undergraduate / "The Diversity Club" - one of your extracurricular activities or work experience [11]

Standing outside of the Diversity Club room, I was hesitant ...

I dont know if this is any better. Your welcome for revising peoples essay I am going to do it more to maybe get more feedback on mine! Only one person checked a very important essay :( Tell me how you feel abotu this!
Editor1010   
Oct 10, 2010
Undergraduate / "The Diversity Club" - one of your extracurricular activities or work experience [11]

Standing outside of the Diversity Club room, I was hesitant to go in because I have always been terrified of trying something new, my friend, Haneen, finally convinced me to enter. I entered the room looked around and immediately noticed the diversity of the people. We began the discussion with our president, each person went around the circle talking about how they had been discriminated against. It was amazing to hear all these stories people had. I never realized that there was such diversity at our school and this club brought everyone together. With this club we do as much as we can to fight against stereotype. Since that first day I knew I had to come back. That day I knew I had to be part of this family.

I did some editing please help you guys are giving a lot of suggestions but I dont know how to change it so it works. :(
Editor1010   
Oct 9, 2010
Undergraduate / "The Diversity Club" - one of your extracurricular activities or work experience [11]

This is for the common application its very short, I want it to be sweet but short. Please help!!

I walked into the room, I was hesitant to go to the meeting with my friend who finally convinced me. It was Diversity Club. I entered the room looked around and immediately noticed the diversity of the people. I sat down in the circle they had created out of stools. We began the discussion with our president, each person ...

Its very short please do as much editing as possible please give me great tips this is for the University of Michigan :D
Editor1010   
Oct 9, 2010
Undergraduate / Computers - academic interest: UIUC Application Essay [4]

I didnt do any editing but I just wanted to tell you that choose one topic to talk about. I was thinking that maybe how hwen you looked at computers you wanted to know what that something was how things worked. And talk about how you feel this way about minds, how do they work, how do they function. Things like that connect them in some way if you want to talk about both :D