Unanswered [4] | Urgent [0]
  

Posts by dlanki
Joined: Nov 11, 2010
Last Post: Jan 12, 2011
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Posts: 24  

Displayed posts: 24
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dlanki   
Jan 12, 2011
Undergraduate / "intelligent and driven father" - Common App essay for Ivies [5]

well, i think your writing is good but your story isn't unique; everybody experiences parental pressure. You should have used more example to try and make it stand out and bring out some uniqueness in your experience
dlanki   
Jan 11, 2011
Undergraduate / "what do you want to dissolve and what solvent would you use?" - U Chicago [4]

apple that Newton saw fall to his feet---Look this up. If i can remember correctly, the apple fell on his head.

no prices of housing, gasoline, meat prison or slaves.

It sounds like you are connecting the gravity metaphor to life's challenges. you use good vocabs but I feel you can explain more on the solute(gravity) and answer the prompt better.

for example, you talk about gravity but you do not give the solvent which is asked for in the prompt.
explain a little more on the physical gravity the move on to the metaphorical gravity.

overall, extremely well written and highly creative.
dlanki   
Jan 11, 2011
Undergraduate / Why Oberlin (grow into a scholar and an activist) [2]

good essay. just a minor suggestion.

As a young teenager concerned about animal rights, I am confident Oberlin will help me grow into a mature activist who brings an impact to this world.---How? you also mention being an activist in your last paragraph but you never explain the how. I would suggest deleting the activism point or , if you feel it is important, develop it further.

generally, good essay.
dlanki   
Jan 11, 2011
Undergraduate / "nothing more than to be a Reedie" - Why Reed College supplemental [3]

Well, I think this is a great essay! well written, with good vocab.

I think you should also talk about one reed program that particularly impresses you. Your enthusiasm and passion are clear but I feel some of your points are a little general. Find one unique program that you know is intrinsic to reed and connect it to your personality.

once again, well done I think you are 99% there.
dlanki   
Jan 11, 2011
Undergraduate / Working and Learnig (Common app about internship) [2]

"Hello", "Yes he is right here" -- "Hello...Yes, he is right here...Okay, I'll tell him immediately" "- I think this better illustrates your point.

I get up immediately and hand my

finally to the school, after hours of working we br

When I met the children I could not believe how smart they had become simply by the work we were doing and since I was there, I had the tag to take that credit.

think that is why I am promoted from January.-- this makes no sense; is January a department? or were you promoted in january.

I believe you are answering essay option 1. If so, I feel your essay could be improved. You seem to be writing about what colleges want to hear and it doesn't seem personal enough. the essay is supposed to be about YOU. I think you should focus on what you've learned from the experience and avoid talking about your college aspirations. You should also avoid mentioning you achievements overtly. e.g "I think that is why I am promoted from January". if you really feel you need to mention your achievements, say them in a less direct manner.

all the best. Please check my essay.
dlanki   
Jan 11, 2011
Undergraduate / Changing life with photographs - Common Application [3]

perspective even if small, by s--Although I'm not really sure, i think a comma fits in.

I was able to aware inform/sensitize( look for A better word aware, is idiomatically wrong) people about.

On a courtyard through an alley I could see little children running, playing innocent games on the courtyard. ( It waas difficult to tell who was on the courtyard)

Overall, great and highly descriptive essay its 99%.

you might just want to add an extra sentence concerning your photo exibition, this is where you can really express the impact photography has had on you. e.g you can mention the theme, who was involved and the activities you caried out at this exibition.

Please have a loook at mine
dlanki   
Dec 31, 2010
Undergraduate / "One Lunch to Rule them All" My Yale Supplemental [3]

your essay is awesome!!!!

the only suggestion i have is simplifying some of the word is the first paragraph. splurging, scouring - maybe simpler words would suffice. But hey man , great essay. I'm sure you'll have an excellent chance of getting in just the way it is.

Please check out mine
dlanki   
Dec 31, 2010
Undergraduate / "best advice: self reflection" brown [3]

My father told gave me this advice this when I was ten

profound meaning and effectiveness

I love your essay, but the last sentences sounds a tiny bit awkward, consider revising.

Please help on my essay, its URgent!!!
dlanki   
Dec 31, 2010
Undergraduate / Taling a gap year: Common app question [5]

I felt feel it would be better to have first-hand experience of the world around. So I decided to take a gap year after my high school graduation.---tense

Being a teacher seems to be is a great thing--- stronger language

With these real life experiences, I find myself more matured matuaring with than every past passing second.

Please edit my gap year essay. ITS URGENT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
dlanki   
Dec 28, 2010
Undergraduate / "South Africa" - Rice Perspective essay [3]

this essay is awesome!!!!

After marinating in the stale airplane atmosphere for what seemed like an eternity----maybe its just me, but this metaphor sounds wrong, I think marinating isn't the word you're looking for. try 'being drenched' or 'bathing'(sorry, I'm not a thesaurus) -just look for a better word.

no grammatical errors, you're all set.

Please check out my Rice essay, I didn't notice the motivation prompt until yesterday.

All the best, hope to meet.
dlanki   
Dec 27, 2010
Undergraduate / "an option of a certificate in Architectural Engineering" Duke Supplement [5]

I shot elevations and grades for roads and pipes with a level and laid out jobsites with a total station for the work crews to install while learning to read City of Richmond and engineering drawings ---- this sentence is too long and a bit confusing, consider dividing it with commas or semicolons.

work close to civil engineering ---grammatical error i think. do you mean working close to a civil engineer or was your work similar to a civil engineer's.

your Job experience is a good hook. I think you should consider expanding your second paragraph to focus more on the experience. also consider using more commas in your second paragraph; the long sentences make it slightly difficult to read - but that just my opinion.

If you add more to your second paragraph, I'm sure you'll have a great essay.

I'm also applying to Duke, please check out my essay; it isn't as good as yours, but i think it has an interesting theme.

Hope to see you there.
dlanki   
Dec 25, 2010
Undergraduate / the Petri Dish + NY City + M. Luther King from the past - NYU supplemental Essays [6]

your essays are all fine and answer the prompt nice and consise
I see no gramatical errors.
just--
Having always lived in an area where diversity is present
---I think you should include the name of the place. saying an area is too vague

Overall, you are all set for application and have good solid essays.
dlanki   
Dec 25, 2010
Undergraduate / "Tennis infuses discipline in me" + "Photography" - Extra curricular activity [4]

I find this short essay promt extremely challenging; 150 words not a lot so you have to make each sentence mean something. your writting and grammer is good, but since this is 150 i think the adcoms will want you to get straight to the point.

For example: When I try to judge the direction of the wind and toss the ball high up to serve , ---it is obvious you are talking about tennis so you better just say: When Im playing tennis, adrenaline breeds nervous through me- yes , I know it sounds boring but considering its a 150 word essay the adcoms probably want you to just cut to the chase.

I think this is unique and better than the first.
Again: As I walk on the street to capture stories , to hear them, I feel a sense of freedom. you better just say: As I take photos along the street, i feel a sense of freedom.

overall your writting is very good and you use great metaphors. But as this is supposed to be a brief essay, i think you should not use metaphors and just state things the way they are.

Anyways, i am an intl students who has little knowledge of the common app short essay, so take my advice with a grain of salt.

Please check my essay
dlanki   
Dec 24, 2010
Undergraduate / "I'm too liberal; the word Poughkeepsie" - my 'why Vassar' essay [9]

Great essay!, you have done your research well, I'm sure Vassar will accept you. It is specific and well written.

I am not sure about the last two sentences.I like the idea but they sound...unatural, like you are trying two hard to impress. But this is a great essay and I think you have an excellent chance of being admitted just the way it is.
dlanki   
Dec 24, 2010
Undergraduate / "One Afternoon in February"- Common app essay [5]

One afternoon in February,is this part of the essay, i'm a bit confussed.

The wind blows hardly to thrust back the cold of winter--- you might want to try: the wind blows hard, thrusting back winter's cold , replacing it with the fresh scent of spring time. Everything seems to wakes up when February comes. The birds come back after a period of migration to join in the harmony of spring, and tree's leafs turn into green to fall in line with the colorful picture of spring. In my country, Vietnam, this is even the time when people celebrate the New Year's Eve.

since Coming to America in my sophomore year, I am only permited tocan only come back to my country during summer, so I have never had a chance to celebrate the New year Eve in my hometown again. Ha Noi, known as the capital of Vietnam, is quiet, with a bit of wind maybe you can say: quiet and a little windy . There are not many people around streets, and it perspires something simple but elegant and modern. However, Ha Noi turns into a bustling place during the New year's Eve. Thousand of thousand people flock into streets at 8 p.m, where they would wait straightly 4 hoursfor four straight hours just to wait for the mutation moment between the old and the new yeari dont know if the grammar here is correct, it sounds strange . When the fireworks start to give a signal of a new year, people would greet the others standing around them to have a great new yearwish others standing around them a great new year .

It was February 14th, Valentine's day. After school, while my fellow students were in a rush to do make up, dress up, and other preparation for the Valentine's dance, I sat in the computer lab to watch highlights about my country's New Year's Eve that happened at the same day. Suddenly, there was a mixture feeling in my heart. I was delighted to see thousand smiling faces, from an old man to a girl who needs to sells newspapers at that night. However, my mood instantly changed when the camera showed a blossom cherry tree. In Vietnam, cherry tree is a signal of spring, of new year; It represents the happiness of the family and their hope for a successful new year. Looking back at my freshmen year, I was still in Vietnam and went to choose a cherry tree for my house with my family ---this sentencing is confusing; i dont know where you are currently . I felt a moment of sadness as I saw the blossom cherry tree in the highlight.

At that moment, my mind wandered back to the past about Ha Noi New Year's Eve:
When I stood in Hoan Kiem Lake to watch the fireworks and made a wish for the people I love,
When I shouted together with my friends, "5,4,3,2,1, HAPPY NEW YEAR" , then the fireworks would start shinning in the sky, and we hugged each other, hoped good things will come to everyone,

When I ate a steaming bowl of "pho", a dedicatedly prepared food that is a signature of my beloved hometown, made by my mom,

When I gathered around with my family in our living room to take some priceless pictures which were still presented in my mind at that moment,...

Someday, maybe in a long time, but definitely, I will come back to Ha Noi during New Year's Eve; to join in the lively, blissful ambiance that I can find in nowhere except there, the place that I was born and grown up. Maybe I can experience not just the ambiance I used to have, but a more spectacular, "warm" feeling of a person who has not has chance to celebrate New Year in his hometown for a long time, my Ha Noi.

I dont know what prompt you're answering but most common app questions require you to reflect on the effect the expirience has had on you; all i see in your essay is you reminescing and wishing you could go back to vietnam
dlanki   
Dec 19, 2010
Undergraduate / "I live in Sri Lanka" - Yale supplement essay [9]

Your essay is OK. I am am not from US but i think colleges like Harvard and Yale need more than OK. You have an interesting topic but the way you write flattens it out a little. You might want to try using more active voice, imagery and direct speech. They can help liven up your essay. Also, I think you should use a less formal tone.

Your grammar is very good; could you check out my essays?
dlanki   
Dec 7, 2010
Undergraduate / Morgan State - to make a decision to join this school [3]

While I was in high school, my father, who is my closest companion, usually advice me on decision-making...

The excellent logo of a lion and even the unique motto "Success: it is all about experience" has mademe to feel equal .

Hence, Morgan State University has all it takes to match my dream university, so those are the reasons why I really want to get admitted into Morgan State University.

good essay but I think the structures in red have grammatical errors.
reasons why sound repetitive to me. use either reasons or why but not both.

I like your writing though. could you please check out my essays I desperately need your expert opinion.

thanks in advance.
dlanki   
Dec 7, 2010
Undergraduate / "Swimming has taught me to enjoy success" - Common app. short answer [4]

your essay flows well and brings out your swimming passion very well ; however, i think the line in red is unnecessary.

anyways, terrific essay.

i dont know about tittles but i think they are not needed.

Youre such a good writter man, please check out my essays i desperately need your expert opinion.
dlanki   
Dec 7, 2010
Undergraduate / "cannot wait to dive in any research project" - Duke Supplements WHY duke? [3]

great essay, nice and consise.

however, I think you can make your essay stronger by giving more examples of sources of your inspiration to study biology
You cannot wish to spend four years of life studying biology just because of one CNN TV show; give more examples.

Anyways great essay, It is solid enough for admission and much better than mine.

Please check out mine.
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