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Posts by essceejay216
Joined: Nov 27, 2010
Last Post: Dec 31, 2010
Threads: 4
Posts: 51  

From: United States of America

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essceejay216   
Nov 27, 2010
Undergraduate / "Foundations, earthquakes in California" - my world [9]

Prompt # 1 - Describe the world you came from and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.

Earthquakes can cause a lot of damage. Having lived in California my entire life, I am familiar with earthquakes. They can be the cause of both the cracks in the pavement and the total destruction of buildings. Still, there are buildings that withstand these same shakes without being affected by them. My grandfather, who has worked in construction for most of his life, once explained to me, "Foundation is everything. Without a strong enough foundation, everything comes falling down." I find that this also holds true for people. However, a person's foundation is not made of cement and steel. The things that keep people from breaking down are their beliefs and ideals. The more adamant a person is about who they are and what they stand for, the stronger their foundation; there is a better chance that they will not break when they have to deal with a shaky situation. My foundation is greatly influenced by my experiences and the people that have been with me through them. These factors make me who I am and are the reasons why I remain strong despite adversity.

My family is a huge part of who I am. I come from a large family; I am one of five children. My mother ran a pretty tight ship since there was so many of us. There was barely any tolerance for noncooperation, so we all learned quickly to do as we were told. I learned to be a part of a group because of this. Although my siblings and I had our disagreements, we knew how to come together to complete a goal. I also learned how to deal with different types of people. Even though my siblings and I were raised in the same household, we are extremely different from one another. Coming from such a large family has proved to be a great advantage for me in meeting new people and being in groups. There is absolutely no way that I could have been who I am today under any other circumstances.

My family life is also the reason that I matured at a young age. I grew up pretty fast mentally and emotionally, mostly because I had to. My parents divorced when I was four. My dad moved out and my mother was left to be our primary provider. At one point, she was working three jobs and could not be at home as much. My older siblings took on more prominent leadership roles in our house, so I followed suit. This is when I learned how important it is to be strong in both good and bad times. My mother never hid her financial struggles from us and I got my first huge dose of reality. I realized that my mother was working for our survival. This reality made me grow up very quickly.

That same reality has also motivated me to work to be better than what I see around me. I know that I am capable of being successful. Neither my mother nor my father finished college, and I believe that it is the root of many of the things we went through. Though some people would think that I am at a disadvantage because of my parents' shortcomings, I think that I was lucky to grow up under these conditions. Since my parents did fall short in their educations, they want better for us. "The mind is a terrible thing to waste" was one of the sayings that I heard a lot from my parents. I especially heard this when I did something that they did not approve of. They also taught me that I can only get out of something what I put into it. Apparently, when people do not have something, they understand its importance and worth far better than the people who do have it; "To comprehend a nectar requires sorest need." The shortcomings of my parents have lifted me up and made me a better person.

Just like the earthquakes in California, life's difficulties are abundant and of varying intensity. It is imperative that we have a strong enough foundation to stand on. My foundation is built upon where I come from and what I have learned from it. Luckily, I have other people's experiences to learn from as well as my own. I have grown as an individual and developed my own values because of these lessons learned. Everyone is a product of their environment and I am no exception.
essceejay216   
Nov 27, 2010
Undergraduate / Harry Potter and Corduroy, Laura's world and dreams [5]

Remember to always answer the prompt. It asks you to tell about where you come from and how it has affected you. When you write a personal essay, you want to show the school who you are as a person, not just as a student. You would probably want to stray away from putting too much emphasis on academics and more onto who you are. Your grades and test scores most likely already show that you are a good student. In the personal essay, you tell them things that they cannot tell from reading your transcripts.

Also, it seems like your writing is a little jumpy and disorganized. At one point you state that your mother reads at a second grade level. Then, you began the last paragraph with "realizing the extent of my mom's illiteracy" as if you did not already know that she was illiterate. Moreover, you have to remember that this is about you, not your mother. Everything you say about your mother should be only to show who you are and how she has affected you.

For the most part, the essay seems sort of rushed and like you were just trying to fill a word count requirement. It's all about substance. A lot of words does not make a good essay. I suggest that you write an outline so that all of your thoughts are organized and then see how you can improve from there.

The opening does not feel sincere or seem that interesting. Anecdotal introductions work sometimes, but do not think that it is the only way to begin a great essay.

Remember that the last paragraph is the conclusion of your essay, where everything comes together. Basically, it should be a summary. Do not try to compile a lot of new information into your last paragraph.

Overall, I think that you have a good start. Really read it. If you do not like something about it, take it out. Chances are that if you do not like it, then admissions will not care too much for it either.

Good luck! Hope I helped :)
Check out my statement too?? I could totally use the feedback.
essceejay216   
Nov 27, 2010
Undergraduate / Additional info essay - Tourette's Syndrome [4]

I like the essay overall. It's inspiring and awesome. FYI, if this is for UC, I think it could definitely fall under the second prompt. But that's neither here nor there :)

However, there are a lot of run-on sentences:

I have not yet had the opportunity in my application to discuss a very important thing in my life that has actually had a great impact on who I am today, and I will take that chance here.

My friends didn't seem to mind, and at the time neither did I, I was just another happy kid.

I grew angry and my tics grew worse, it hurt me not only mentally but physically, sore from all the twisting and hoarse from all the yelling.

The tic is a terrible thing, it is voluntary, yet voluntary in the way marching with a gun at your back is voluntary.

I have tics today, but they no longer interfere with my life, I can control them when I need to, and let them out when I can.

Other small errors:

However, as the years progressed my parents had a hard time; both being doctors they felt helpless not being able to help their own son.

However, as the years progressed, my parents had a hard time. Both being doctors, they felt useless not being able to help their own son.

While it seemed to help, my teachers begged my parents for the old Marley back, they liked the quick-witted little boy (albeit disruptive) much better than the somber and quiet one.

Though it seemed to help, my teachers begged my parents for the old Marley back. They liked the quick-witted, albeit disruptive, little boy much better than the somber and quiet one.

I find that you use semicolons when they should not be used and don't use them when they can be used. But it should be great if you just read through it and make some corrections.

Hope I helped :)
btw, can you read mine too? i could really use some feedback.
essceejay216   
Nov 27, 2010
Undergraduate / "still a rainbow gleaming with the color of life" - Prompt on Personal Quality [13]

While many would find this a great inconvenience, I have realized that there are many advantages.

When I made the trips with my parents, who met in Willows, it gave me time to bond with them that otherwise may not have been possible ; we were able to talk free of distractions.

In addition, I also got the chance to have adventures with my Mom that I otherwise would have been unable to havedue to economic circumstances.

Since she did not have to pay for my day to day expenses, we were able to go on vacations and visit new places.This is when my love for big cities and beaches was born.

This unique experience has also led me to learn more about myself .

Through every situation I always look for the brighter side of the situation.
I always look for the brighter side of every situation.

Although I still face hardships,the fact that my optimistic perspective allows me to better deal with them . gives me pride in my optimism in a society where the majority of people favor cynicism.

Being an optimist has allowed me to understand that everything happens for a reason.

and that even when it rains, when you see the sun, there is still a rainbow gleaming with the color of life. (I don't know how to rephrase this. I know what you are trying to say, but it isn't as clear as it could be.)

overall, i love this essay, especially the second paragraph :)

Good Luck! Hope I helped :)

ps.. could you read mine too?? I could really use the feedback.
essceejay216   
Nov 27, 2010
Undergraduate / "Interest in caring for animals" - my school, family, community [4]

I admit, I did not read the entire thing. It is a lot. But from what I can tell, it isn't a totally lost cause.

The first prompt should be about you and where you come from and how that has influenced you. Talk about your life, your family, what motivates you. Do not go into detail about those two organizations you talked about or academics. They can tell what kind of student you are from your transcripts. You want them to get a glimpse of who you are as a whole, not just as a student or animal caretaker. I find that you focused on one specific experience in this essay, but that will not cut it for the first prompt.

I see that you wrote a lot about your involvement with 4-H and FFA. I would suggest that you use this experience for the second UC prompt being that it doesn't answer the first prompt. That way, it would be okay to go into depth about it because it would satisfy the prompt.

Good Luck! I hope I helped :)
essceejay216   
Nov 27, 2010
Undergraduate / "Only Personal Business" - talent, experience, UC Prompt #2 [3]

You didn't get to the point until the very end of the essay. The conclusion should be the end, not where you introduce new information.

Where you put all of those questions (that weren't really questions) was kind of odd. I would probably change those into statements. It would help with the flow better and probably add some more meaning to the essay. And why did you scream "now"? That definitely shouldn't have been in all caps. Remember that this is a formal essay. You should refrain from using contractions also.

It would probably help you if you wrote an outline and got your thoughts in order. It is a great topic, you just have to change the way you relay it. Read it and see if changing the order helps. Be clearer in the things that you are trying to say.

Also, pay attention to the actual structure of your essay. Paragraphs are started by topic sentences. Supporting sentences explain the topic sentence. This will probably help your clarity also.

Good luck! Hope I helped :)
essceejay216   
Nov 28, 2010
Undergraduate / "still a rainbow gleaming with the color of life" - Prompt on Personal Quality [13]

As far as tying in how your outlook on life translates to being successful in college, I do not think that you actually need to include that story about the school newspaper. It is not really a good example of how your optimism works for you, it's more of an example of how determined you are. Plus, it's a really long story and you have your word count and everything.

You could change the sentence "Although I still face hardships, my optimistic perspective allows me to better deal with them." with something like: Although there are many challenges that will come may way in the future, my optimistic perspective will help me to deal with them.

Something like that. I know that it's not the greatest sentence in the world, but it's an idea..

Hope I helped a little :)
essceejay216   
Nov 28, 2010
Undergraduate / "still a rainbow gleaming with the color of life" - Prompt on Personal Quality [13]

I aim to come out stronger from every experience and from this solitary drive I have learned the value of intrinsic solitude.
intrinsic means natural, or inherent. therefore, you cannot learn intrinsic solitude. i get what you are trying to say, but try to be more clear. You could probably say something like: From this solitary drive, I have learned the value of true peace. Or something like that.

This unique experience has allowed me to subdue my hyperactive personality and be proud of the transition I have made into a calmer human being.

This sentence seems to be out of place. It isn't cohesive with the rest of the essay. You kind of went off to another subject. Instead of supporting your optimism, it seems like you veer off into how you became a calmer person. Maybe it would make more sense if you put this sentence immediately after [the revised version of]the sentence "I aim to come out stronger from every experience and from this solitary drive I have learned the value of intrinsic solitude."

My eyes are now open to the world and I can see that the sun is always shinning with the color of life.

"shining" is spelled wrong.

"my eyes are now open to the world" implies that you are just now becoming optimistic about things and i don't think that this is what you are trying to relay.

in addition, i think that you should really be more straightforward with this statement. say what you really mean in plain speech.
essceejay216   
Nov 28, 2010
Undergraduate / "Foundations, earthquakes in California" - my world [9]

Re: angelusfanatic
If you have other critiques, I would appreciate seeing them. I'm trying to make as many revisions as I can at once, so it'll probably be best to change the essay and then show it to you for more changes. Any feedback is appreciated. Thanks :)

Re: MarleyWH
What I mean by "I followed suit" is that I also took on leadership roles in our household. I don't really know how to reword it. Any suggestions??

My mother never hid her financial struggles from us and I got my first huge dose of reality. I realized that my mother was working for our survival. This reality made me grow up very quickly.

I changed this to "My mother never hid her financial struggles from us. At that point, I realized that my mother was working for our survival. This realization made me grow up very quickly."

I don't know if that's good enough, so any other suggestions will be appreciated :)

Please do add anything else that could help me.

Thanks a lot for your help :)
essceejay216   
Nov 28, 2010
Undergraduate / "A Doctoring of Perspective" Texas Issue of Importance Common App Essay [3]

One could say that in today's ever expanding global economy, there are a near infinite amount of career paths available; an occupation to fill any need.

The career paths available in today's ever-expanding global economy are nearly infinite; there is an occupation to fill any need.

- Remember:Both the sentences preceding and following a semicolon have to be independent clauses.

But consider an occupation whose daily reward far surpasses the joy elicited by any paycheck.

- Never begin a sentence with a conjunction (and, but, or).

That, of course, is the charge of a physician.

-Explain what "that" is. You're referring to an entire sentence with "that". You want to tell the reader specifically what you are talking about. Though, changing "that" to "this" would help.

And although there is somewhere in the ballpark of 567,000 practicing physicians in the United States, one Cardiologist however has played a pivotal role in my life as professional role model and family friend .

Suggestion: Although there are around 567,000 practicing physicians in the United States, there is only one in particular that has played a pivotal role in my life.

Suggestions:
Dr. Hector Urrutia was born in 1940 to a meager coffee farmer in the district of Tacuba, El Salvador. Never having much monetarily, Dr. Urrutia realized early on the importance of a quality education.

To come from such a humble background, and through hard work and determination, become a beacon of hope and aid to the community is a poignant achievement that I find incredibly inspiring. (this needs to be reworded. it's not as clear as it could be.)

Although my prospective specialty has changed periodically, my ultimate aim has never wavered. Even as a young child I accepted the fact that I could never be completely satisfied doing anything else. (this needs to be reworded.) Dr. Hector Urrutia's story has only reinforced my adamant goal of one day practicing medicine myself.

Today, Dr. Urrutia is a distinguished Cardiologist in the Rio Grande Valley.

While it is common knowledge that physicians earn a substantial paycheck, I think that the knowledge that your medical prowess has meant the difference between life and death for hundreds of individuals is greater than any monetary reward.

The job of a physician is never an easy one; bad news is often delivered on a daily basis and calamity often strikes at all hours of the day and night, requiring doctors to work long and irregular hours. (major run-on sentence)

Great topic! I like the way you ended it. You just have to work on the grammar and you'll be all right.

Good Luck!! Hope I helped :)
btw, could you check out mine too?? i could really use the feedback. thanks :)
essceejay216   
Nov 28, 2010
Undergraduate / "Angry Serbian Women"- Common Application Essay [4]

My assimilation into Serbian society, though tremulous, was not as unfathomably difficult as expected. My return to America two years later was.
-this sentence should not just be floating in your essay. be mindful of essay format.

It was as though my previous eccentricities had been, unbeknownst to me, amplified by this newfound cultural identity that engaged in an effective symbiosis with the very characteristics that had originally set me so far apart from others.

-what "newfound cultural identity" are you referring to?

Since then, I have strived to perfect the illusion of normalcy and conformity.
-since when? when is "then" referring to?

You are, obviously, a great writer. However, you have to remember that these people that are reading your essays are not you. They may not think like you think. You should make this as understandable as possible for those people. I'm not speaking in terms of vocabulary, but in terms of the flow of the thoughts. Make sure you make the transition from one thought to another as smooth as possible.

I love this essay, it is pretty awesome. Whatever you do, don't tweak it too much. Just a teeny bit of revision should do.

Good luck! Hope I helped :)
btw.. could you check out mine too? i could really use the feedback.
essceejay216   
Nov 28, 2010
Undergraduate / Independent Study Experience - Prompt 2 UC Personal Statement [5]

Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud, and how does it relate to the person you are?

I have been an Independent Study student for the entirety of my high school career. I was skeptical about it at first, I did not think that it would measure up to the traditional high school experience. However, I has turned out to be a defining experience for me. As expected, IS has helped me become more independent, but it has been beneficial in other ways also.

I have always excelled in school. However, when I entered Independent Study and started to struggle, I found a great flaw: I lacked the ability to be truly self-sufficient. I depended too much on the leadership of my teachers to stay on track. I found that in some ways, my traditional school experience handicapped me.

Independent Study challenged me in ways that I had not been challenged before. I still had teachers, but independent study calls for independent students. I was obligated to keep track of my own schedule. Task prioritization and time management took the front seat in my life.

Though I could have went back to regular school, I decided not to. IS gave me the opportunity to graduate early. Staying in high school a year longer did not seem logical to me, even with the extracurricular opportunities. Besides, Independent Study gave me the time to take some college courses. In being an IS student, I learned the importance of time and going back to regular school seemed like a waste of it.

All in all, both the experiences of traditional school and IS made me the best student that I can be. I am more independent, better at time management, and have college credit because of IS. I do not believe that my being in Independent Study has deprived me of any skills that I need to be successful in college. If anything, I am a much better student because of this experience.

Please give me your honest opinions. If anything can be cut out completely, then tell me. I'm 31 words over my word count limit. Thanks :)
essceejay216   
Nov 28, 2010
Undergraduate / Independent Study Experience - Prompt 2 UC Personal Statement [5]

jrecarpenter

No, there wasn't a specific organization in charge of my independent study. IS is an alternative offered at my high school. So, I don't know if that should be added into the actual essay, because the schools can see from my transcripts what school I went to.

I think that you are right about the anecdote. I could definitely find a way to add one in.

Thank you so much!
essceejay216   
Nov 29, 2010
Undergraduate / "still a rainbow gleaming with the color of life" - Prompt on Personal Quality [13]

That's a run-on sentence. I don't think I get what you mean by "My eyes are open to the world" either. Maybe you could change the sentence to something like "I know that I will come across difficulties in the future, but my outlook on life ensures that I will be able to deal with them."

And make sure that you don't have a lot of contractions in your statement, like "I'll".
essceejay216   
Dec 17, 2010
Undergraduate / "my mother calls me a 'shrink'" - Stanford: Roommate essay [14]

It doesn't flow very well. There are no transitions into new topics. It doesn't read as one unified piece, it reads like a list. You don't want that. You should not change what you wrote about if those are really things that you want to express, but changing how these ideas are presented could really help. Changing the order could help. The last paragraph seems a teeny bit more put together than the first one.

The prompt asks you to write a letter to your future roomate, correct? Well, you need to keep in mind that a letter to your roomate will probably have to be a little different from a regular college essay. It's basically trying to figure out who you are. It may help if you read your letter from the perspective of your roomate. Think of what kind of letter you would want to get from a roomate that you have never met before and will probably be spending the first year of college with.
essceejay216   
Dec 18, 2010
Undergraduate / "my mother calls me a 'shrink'" - Stanford: Roommate essay [14]

I don't think that just focusing on one aspect would be the way to go. One aspect is not going to give a full picture of who you are. You just need to make it more cohesive. Don't use this as an opportunity to list your activities to the admissions official, because that is kind of how I took it at first.
essceejay216   
Dec 18, 2010
Undergraduate / Newspapers, social challenge, summer, events, history -Stanford Profile Questions [6]

I think you did pretty good. Just as long as everything you said represents you and you didn't leave out anything for fear of it not being accepted. I find that a lot of people only show colleges what they think that colleges want to see and Stanford is really one of those places that really wants to get to know who you are.
essceejay216   
Dec 19, 2010
Undergraduate / "Odysseus's Journey Home" - Why Brown? [8]

"Hearing this, every checkbox for my ideal university was ticked."-i get what you are saying, but this could be clearer

"With Brown's lack of core curriculum"
-"lack" has a negative connotation, you might want to reword it. it reads as if brown falls short of something.

"At Brown, the education I receive does not end with a diploma, but with a blossomed and mature character like Odysseus' after his eventful journey home."-you need to have more concrete reasons than this. I understand that you are trying to correlate Brown and Odysseus, but be realistic. The education you receive at Brown will end with a diploma, unless you don't finish or plan to stay there as a student after you've graduated. If you meant something else, then say that.

panache and flair are synonymous, choose one.

"Perfect examples include Brown's "International Ambassadorship Program" which aims to increase the socioeconomic diversity of Brown, the "Spring Weekend" concerts which have drawn classic acts like Elvis Costello and Ella Fitzgerald in the past, and some other lighthearted acts such as rubbing the statue of John Hay for good luck and Brown Band's anachronistic yet euphonic performance of Nirvana's "Smells Like Teen Spirit"."

-The college is not asking you to list things about it. They want to know how these things apply to you. Everything you say about Brown in this essay should supported by a "This is is important to me, because"-like statement. Brown admissions knows Brown, they are trying to get to know you.

Hope I helped :)
essceejay216   
Dec 19, 2010
Undergraduate / "my mother calls me a 'shrink'" - Stanford: Roommate essay [14]

Much better! Everything is flowing nicely and it seems genuine and I get a picture of who you really are.

Minor changes:

I don't think that you will be actually cooking anything in your dorm, so that bit about being a good cook will probably be out of place. Just a thought.

My desk would be uniquely neat at all times; with each item geometrically aligned horizontally or vertically.
-incorrect use of a semicolon
-each sentence should be complete

Hope I helped!
essceejay216   
Dec 19, 2010
Undergraduate / "Scarffiee" Personal Statement/Common App - topic of choice [6]

Great essay! I enjoyed it.

A few errors:

But , in a world where risque attire is idolized and sex sells, the notion of women choosing to not attract attention by displaying skin spoke to me.-never begin a sentence with a conjunction (but, and, or)

-use "however" or some variation of it

Unlike me(myself?), these women largely were not given the opportunity to make the choice for themselves.

The government rule seems to takes away the self-expression component that the scarf holds for me.

Unlike others, I wear my religion and beliefs on my sleeve.
-you are not the only one that wears a hijab
-say something like "I have chosen, like many other women, to wear my religion and beliefs on my head."
-i've noticed in another sentence that you talk about the uniqueness of wearing hijabs, but the fact of the matter is that there are many women who choose to wear them

And to answer the common question of "Aren't you hot in that thing?", yes it does get hot at times but I eventually got used to it.

-I'm not sure if this sentence fits at all

It shows that I have a strong understanding of who I am and what I would like to represent in society.
essceejay216   
Dec 20, 2010
Undergraduate / "physicists have gone down the wrong road" - Stanford Essay: intellectual vitality [6]

I think that the topic is great! I was very intrigued by it and I think that it follows the prompt perfectly in showing that you find commonalities in completely different subjects and can bring those things together.

I would have to disagree with the other posters about the beginning paragraph. I think the problem is that you didn't complete your thought, so it seems like you are bashing particle physics when really what you are trying to say is that that was your previous opinion while your current opinion is different based upon this new finding. (long sentence, sorry :))

Suggestions:

I was first introduced to this concept a few months ago by my physics teacher who talked about 'fundamental' particles called quarks. Regardless of my opinion on the topic, I was hooked. I didn't believe that quarks were our core elements; mainly because there were so many variations of them. Attending regular spiritual congregations, I believed in a divine intervention in a single entity.

I was first introduced to this concept a few months ago by my physics teacher who talked about 'fundamental' particles called quarks. I did not believe that quarks were our core elements because there were so many variations of them. My belief in the divine intervention of a single deity also made me skeptical to believe that quarks were the basis of who we are. Regardless of my opinion on the topic, I was hooked.

Digging deeper, I found that the Higgs Boson was a particle that physicists claimed to be the 'God' particle. According to Peter Higgs' theory, this particle was present in all the matter in the universe and fitted the Standard Model of particle physics.

This was similar to a concept adopted in religions all over. Holy books of Christianity, Islam, and Hinduism etc. claim of a divine presence all around and within us. Effectively, they say that there is a 'God' in everything around us. This got me thinking about the correlation with this belief and the Higgs Boson.


Digging deeper, I found out about the Higgs Boson, or the "God particle" as physicists call it. According to Peter Higgs' theory, this particle is present in all matter. I found a similarity between Higgs' theory and the belief of many religions in the world that a divine presence is all around and within us. The correlation between this religious belief and the Higgs Boson got me thinking about the "God" in everything.

This was similar to a concept adopted in religions all over. Holy books of Christianity, Islam, and Hinduism etc. claim of a divine presence all around and within us. Effectively, they say that there is a 'God' in everything around us. This got me thinking about the correlation with this belief and the Higgs Boson.

I wanted to merge the two and prospect further. The Higgs Boson believed that there was a singular fundamental particle present in all matter. Religion says that there is divinity in everything that exists. If scientists at CERN are able to prove that there is such a thing as the Higgs Boson, then science and religion would have common ground;the two paths would be amalgamated into one understanding.

Good luck! Hope I helped :)
essceejay216   
Dec 21, 2010
Undergraduate / I have always had the desire to excel, but wasn't sure how - Spelman admission essay [4]

This doesn't necessarily follow the prompt. Instead, it seems like you just listed a lot of things that you have done. Also, I think that you should get rid of the part where you are talking about Spelman. The prompt did not ask for you to tell them why you are applying, so you shouldn't include that. This essay should be more about your commitment to learning and service and what these things mean to you, not a list. A lot of the things that you said here can probably be seen on the rest of your application. In the essay, you want to let them know things that they otherwise wouldn't know about, but at the same time you want to answer the prompt. Following the prompt shows that you can follow instructions. This goes for word count also.
essceejay216   
Dec 21, 2010
Undergraduate / "The Eccentricity" Why Brown Supplement [4]

the first paragraph is great. however, the first three sentences of the second paragraph kind of threw me off.

1. I have my own brand of eccentricity, sharpened by sudden midnight drives, an obsession with Slurpees, and a growing array of socks, that I know will seamlessly fit with uniqueness of Brown.

-how do you fit in with uniqueness? the whole point of being unique is that you are different from other people. i think that it was just worded wrong. If you meant to say that your being unique would fit in at Brown, which is a unique school, then i think that you should say that.

2. The university won't ask me to change but instead embrace what I offer.
-most universities won't ask you to change. if they like you, they accept you. If they don't like you, they deny you. i just think that this sentence does nothing as to explain why you chose Brown.

3. Also, with my Tourette's Syndrome, I've developed an outlook that doubts the traditional.
-"doubts" is the wrong word to use
-i don't understand how Tourette's and an unconventional outlook relate. maybe explain more?

Other than those things. This is pretty good.

Good Luck! Hope I helped :)
essceejay216   
Dec 22, 2010
Undergraduate / Why expecting to repeat your senior year? - Common App Activity [3]

to answer your question: yes, you definitely answer the prompt.

however, there are still a few errors:

"my stay in USA" should be "my stay in the USA"

"Hosted by hospitable, accepted..." should be "Hosted by a hospitable family, accepted..."

"such as community services" should be "such as community service" (no "s" on the end of "service")

other than those things, it's pretty good :)
essceejay216   
Dec 26, 2010
Undergraduate / "physicists have gone down the wrong road" - Stanford Essay: intellectual vitality [6]

Digging deeper, I found out about the Higgs Boson, or the "God particle" as physicists call it.
I found a similarity between Higgs' theory and the belief of many religions in the world; claiming a divine presence is all around and within us.

-incorrect use of a semicolon. both sentences should be complete (subject and predicate)

Going a step further, I believe that 'God' itself was the core element of matter.
-the pronoun for "God" would not be "itself", usually it would be "himself" or "herself" depending on some beliefs

If we broke down all the matter in the world today; cars, trees and even humans, we would find a divine presence.
-incorrect use of a semi-colon

Hope I helped :)
essceejay216   
Dec 26, 2010
Undergraduate / "Sparta and Survival Instinct" - Stanford Short Essay. Intellectual Vitality. [16]

PROMPT: Stanford students are widely known to possess a sense of intellectual vitality. Tell us about an idea or an experience you have had that you find intellectually engaging.

I am a huge fan of the movie 300, a fantastical retelling of the battle of Thermopylae between Sparta and Persia. Most of my fascination stems from my perception of Spartans as invincible. When I first learned about the Greek city-states in sixth grade, Sparta was the one that really caught my attention. Spartans were the hard, relentless people. They represented extreme loyalty to the state and, above all else, strength. This movie magnified those characteristics, zoned in on the already prominent militarist culture of the state.

Sparta was a militarist state in essence. Naturally, their...
...

I think I'm a little bit over the word limit, so if you can please tell me if it's too wordy or how i can reword something I will greatly appreciate it.
essceejay216   
Dec 26, 2010
Undergraduate / "Small classes + the trust in students" - Why I am applying to Rice [5]

Overall, it is pretty good. You should probably have some sort of introduction also. It doesn't have to be a paragraph. Just a sentence saying something like "I think that Rice is a great fit for me." would do fine. To really utilize the extra word space you have, you should probably find something about Rice that you like specifically and talk about why you like it. Something that Rice has that not a lot of other schools have would be good. You have 200 words to show them that you really are interested in them and I say use every single one.
essceejay216   
Dec 26, 2010
Undergraduate / "Afro-Psych-Ology; A Place of Warmth amid Cold; Uniquely Implausible" Why Swarthmore! [5]

A Place of Warmth Amid Cold
As someone who values relationships, I knew that it was the kind of college community for me.
-change to past tense because you start the next section off with "Months later..."

If you want to cut somethings down, you could start the second part off with something like "Once I was on the campus, I was able to understand what the Swatties were talking about." and cut out the sentences "I finally understood the home that the Swatties I spoke with earlier had described. " and "Months later, I visited Swarthmore, thinking it wouldn't feel different than other colleges I visited. "

Overall, I think your essays were great. The ideas were clear and obviously well thought out.

Good Luck! Hope I helped :)
essceejay216   
Dec 26, 2010
Undergraduate / "A good match for all of me" (Why Stanford) [5]

I think that you should learn more about Stanford as far as the things outside of academics. Why is it truly a good place for you? I can't tell from this essay. In reading this essay and reading what you describe as a "match" for you, I can see that there are hundreds of schools that would fit this criteria. You have a good start, but you're probably going to have to go a little harder for Stanford.

At Stanford, I will truly be free to follow any of my passions; and what's more, regardless of which of them I choose, I will always be surrounded by faculty and research opportunities that can be matched nowhere else.

-incorrect use of a semi-colon

Now, this was quite a daunting task, and one that began to seem more daunting still as I crossed out college after college on my list.

-find another word for "daunting"

Good Luck!
essceejay216   
Dec 26, 2010
Undergraduate / "the true beginning of my education" - BROWN supplement [12]

I think the fact that you basically reworded the prompt and put it into your essay is not that good of an idea. You're supposed to answer the prompt, which I don't think you did to well. You wrote about the stuff you do know instead of what you don't know (what the prompt asked you to talk about).
essceejay216   
Dec 26, 2010
Undergraduate / Political Science major, Boston: Why BU? [15]

You should include more things that would set BU apart from a majority of other colleges. Most of the things that you wrote about could be said about hundreds of other colleges. Is there something unique about BU? Why did you really want to apply? Why do you think it is a good match for you? What will it be like for you to live there? These are the questions that you need to be asking yourself when you are writing these types of essays.

Since my visit I have done research on BU through its website and pamphlets. I also attended the BU meeting at my school where I learned about classes for a Political Science major and how to get involved at BU by joining student government or rushing for a sorority.

-these sentences don't explain why you are interested in BU

Hope I helped! Good Luck :)
essceejay216   
Dec 26, 2010
Undergraduate / Political Science major, Boston: Why BU? [15]

Honestly, I don't think it's changed that much. You have the same sentences there, you just reworded them and put them in a different order. What this is missing is something that sets BU apart from the other colleges and universities. Why is BU important to you? This is what you need to write about. Praising the school should not be your main priority. They know who they are. They want to know who you are and why you chose them.

Since my visit I have done research on BU through its website, pamphlets, and meetings.
-this doesn't explain why you chose BU. get rid of this sentence.

Good luck!!
essceejay216   
Dec 27, 2010
Undergraduate / "Sparta and Survival Instinct" - Stanford Short Essay. Intellectual Vitality. [16]

I initially started it off with me learning about Spartans in sixth grade, but I have this weird thing where I really don't like most essays that start with anecdotes and I was trying to tie in the movie into it to because this idea came because of it. I'm not sure how I can effectively do all of these things at the same time.

I see that you guys want me to talk more about me in the essay, but I thought that it was supposed to be about my thought process because the prompt doesn't actually ask for me to tell how it affected me.

Also, the Spartans are just an example of people who did unfavorable things (killing infants) for the benefit of their own state and themselves. In essence, this is what I meant for the essay to be about. Sparta was just the thing that triggered this thought, so I had to put it in. What do you guys think?

@theloniusjaz
What do Spartans have to do with Stanford? Stanford has not had a mascot since the 1970s. USC's mascot is a Trojan. And to be honest, I thought San Jose State was in New Mexico. I don't think that I have too much to worry about. Also, I didn't want to at all make this essay about wanting to be a Spartan, so if you read something that made you think that, then I would appreciate for you to point it out to me. Thanks :)
essceejay216   
Dec 27, 2010
Undergraduate / "Small classes + the trust in students" - Why I am applying to Rice [5]

I would have to disagree with jjenny9301. This should absolutely not focus on what Rice offers, in my opinion. Rice already knows what it offers, it knows its stats. This essay is an opportunity for you to express why these things are important to you and why they drew you to Rice.

"To start, 82% of Rice's classes have a size of less than 30 people. It has an impressive 5:1 student to faculty ratio..."
-this information is probably on the Rice website, which means it is nothing new to them. focus more on how small class sizes influenced your decision to apply and focus less on stating numbers.

I like the honor code part.

You need something else. You have thirty more words. Make them count.

Hope I helped :)
essceejay216   
Dec 28, 2010
Undergraduate / "Sparta and Survival Instinct" - Stanford Short Essay. Intellectual Vitality. [16]

I began to question what it is that triggers one's allegiance to their government to overpower the innate characteristics of humanity, such as the want to protect one's child.

- It's not that I found it to be cool that they killed babies. Actually, it's the exact opposite. But thanks for pointing that out to me, because now I know that I need to be more clear on what my actual purpose was: to question why these ancient people would do something like that. Any suggestions?
essceejay216   
Dec 29, 2010
Undergraduate / Bowdoin Essay - "the calm before the brainstorm" - intellectually engaging [4]

The concept of "brainstorming" is a little different to me now.
-no need for the quotes

principle behind the "brainstorm" has been and always

"has been and always will be"

They give "warm-ups" funny names like "activators"

"They don't give.." They is referring to high school, correct?

they no longer ask you to put your Popsicle stick on the bulletin board under "hot lunch", "brought lunch", "sandwich".

I don't see how this is fun or educational.

The pages of all of my tattered one subject notebooks have miniscule "brainshowers" all over them - in the margins, above the headers, everywhere.

However, the guiding principle behind the "brainstorm" has been and always be the most intellectually engaging process of learning for me - after all, it is where my intellectual journey begins.

what is the "guiding principle"? why do you find it "intellectually engaging"? what does this sentence mean?

It's a good enough start, but from the looks of it, you don't find this subject too interesting. Your purpose isn't clear and it doesn't really seem like a full thought. I like the first paragraph with exception of the last sentence which kind of confuses me. In the beginning it sounded like you were going to talk about how important it is to brainstorm or how much more complex it is now than it was before. However, the rest of the essay isn't as engaging.
essceejay216   
Dec 29, 2010
Undergraduate / "The agricultural leadership" - STANFORD-intellectual vitality-beef production [9]

being "born in a barn."

-quotes not needed

that's pretty high-tech nowadays.

-"it's" instead of "that's"

This was proven during

"proven to me..."

lens, and squinted. Suddenly, the ranch manager

-Between these two sentences, it would be good to describe what you saw.

intended to be placed in other animals

-"placed into other cows"

attract more buyers to the genetics

-i don't think that saying the buyers were attracted to the genetics is necessarily correct. you can't actually see genetics, which is a scientific discipline. you can't see genes either, just the phenotypic effect of them. you should probably cut out the "enhance the herd" part and just put "...in order to attract buyers to the genetically-enhanced herd."

I began researching the connections between science and agribusiness.

-what did you learn as a result of this research? include it in the essay.

I think that it is a pretty good topic. The thing is that at the end you kind of venture off topic and start talking about yourself. That is not what the prompt asks for. You need to talk about what your thoughts on the subject and why you find it intellectually engaging. I don't think that venturing off into talking about your want to learn is a good idea. The one thing that you do not want to do when you write an essay is go off topic, no matter what.

Good Luck! Hope I helped :)
Read mine?
essceejay216   
Dec 29, 2010
Undergraduate / "Sparta and Survival Instinct" - Stanford Short Essay. Intellectual Vitality. [16]

Here's my revised essay:

When I first learned about the Greek city-states in sixth grade, Sparta was the one that really caught my attention. Spartans were the hard, relentless people, loyal to their state and strong. Me being me, I exaggerated these characteristics in my...

...
essceejay216   
Dec 29, 2010
Undergraduate / my favorite mottos is "opposites attract" - Letter to my Roommate: Stanford [3]

In case you didn't know, the word limit for this is 250 words. You need to break this down. Since you talk the most about your heritage and your family, I think that you should focus more on those things. It just seems like you care more about them and it would still give a good picture of who you are and where you come from.

The essay is kind of disorganized and it doesn't flow very well. You jump from one subject to the next without much transition. A lot of it just seems like you are rambling. Nevertheless, the first paragraph is a good start. If you just build this essay around your family and heritage, you will be alright. Just remember that although this is "a letter to your roommate", it will actually be read by admissions officers.

Good luck!

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