Undergraduate / 'Nowhere without hard work' - Describing the world I come from -UC Prompt #1 [3]

I love my mother but I do not want to live a life like the one that her decisions have led her to live.
Re-word this sentence, perhaps. Expand on this thought

There have been times when I just do not have the willpower to go on. But then I catch myself and I put myself back in my place. Taking the first steps to gain a higher education is frightening.

You make a great point, however, think of how the reader will perceive your character. You are trying to say "through weakness, strength may arise" something along those lines.

Remember to show the college that you are a person with a plan, that you have short-term and long term goals. These are factors that make your essay stand out among the many papers. Try to avoid sounding cliche' as you can imagine, many applicants are writing almost the same thing as you. Good luck in school!

Undergraduate / 'to spend most of my time in WIUT library Coursework ACTION PLAN-Personal development [4]

I will assume this is for a college app or scholarship, but it may be for yourself too. I actually searched on your topic, and found a couple of great websites with laid-out guidelines, that show all of the steps to write this. Basically, the university/school wants to know that you are a "person with a plan"- this is a key point to make in your paper. Explain your short-term and long-term goals, and what are your reasons for these goals. I wish you luck.

Writing Feedback / The right to water and its global implications-- very rough draft-- lacks conclusion [2]

A few suggestions:

Withholding water from any human is comparable to murder. This sounds odd, being the reader, I wonder how long it would take for a person to die from lack of water. If a caretaker of a person is responsible for supplying water, and does not, it is neglect, if the person dies, then yes this is voluntary manslaughter.

political representatives put money over working toward a global right to water This statement is a bit vague, I don't understand what you are saying here.

Although advocates of water management arranged directly by the people may be opposed to this plan, it actually coincides with Through this global plan, the politics and economics of water will be regulated, and most importantly, humans will enjoy the unwavering right to water. This sentence is too long.

You have excellent writing ability, and you make intelligent and have applied critical thinking very well. Good job with your paper!

Writing Feedback / a severe weather experience first paragraph [2]

"Wake up,wake up" my mom screamed loudly. "Im tired, " I mumbled.

I jumped out of bed really excited. I was really excited and I jumped out of bed.

Try to use more descriptive, eye-catching words.

suddenly i slipt down and felt the impact in my back. I suddenly slipped and fell down onto my back.

With my palms, I wiped away the water drops that had fallen into me eyes. I saw the snow coming down really fast and rotating in the sky through the window that was located in the side. Through the window above me, I saw the snow coming down and rotating in the sky.

I came out of the bathtub, dried my self quickly , and went to my drawer to take out bangay to apply it in my back.

You are off to a great start, keep describing your experience. Try to paint a picture with your words.

Undergraduate / 'we are blinded from the future' - UC Personal Statement [3]

A few grammar suggestions:

Growing up we are blinded from the future, no indication of what will become, and a lot of the time what our world will become. Maybe choose a different statement to lead-in to your paper. Or you could say: "As children, we are unaware of the future, with no indication of what will become, and we have all the time in the world."

We have to put trust in our faith This doesn't make sense. "We have to have faith in life..."

Through all our hardship, never have I been encouraged to not grow. "Through all of our hardship, I have always been encouraged to grow."

This made me want better for my life, drove me to work harder in school and probably stress more than I should of. Re-word this sentence.

It is bad grammar to end a sentence in words like of, out, up, through, etc. My family and my friends are the people that I find peace in.

I find peace in my family and friends.

You have a wonderful story, and make many good points, you just need to work on your grammar. Nice work!

Undergraduate / UC Transfer Prompt: Intended Major Is Anthropology [3]

Your essay is well written and interesting!

Things you could shorten or simplify:

Nine years ago when I visited to Japan for the first time The first time I visited Japan was nine years ago I experienced major culture shock.

involving myself into this experience taught me Shorten to: this experience taught me...

and realized how important it is to offend neither. I know what you are saying, but I would word it differently.

My participation in this club challenged me to come out of my comfort zone, and I learned to collaborate with other students with very different ethnic backgrounds

Conclusion: It sounds good, be sure to explain that you are a person with a plan, that you have short term and long term goals. Good luck in school!

Undergraduate / 'I volunteered at nursing homes' - personal essay for UW-Milwaukee [2]

This sound great so far! A few suggestions:

the feeling of making someone's day easier can not be put into words. Expand on this thought- add a couple of sentences to this paragraph.

During the summer of the end of my sophomore year, I volunteered at nursing homes to help the elderly whenever they went on field trips to the zoo or to the wildlife sanctuary. I would stop the sentence at "elderly" then continue with a slightly more detailed sentence.

Also:
summer of the end of my sophomore year, the summer following my sophomore year

Therefore, I volunteered for the Greater Green I began to volunteer for...

Knowing Spanish is almost essential in today's working world, and is best learned through communication with native speakers. What a wonderful job that must be! Excellent writing, you show that your are driven. Explain what you WANT, that you are a person with a general plan for life, whom also has short term goals. Good luck in school!

Undergraduate / 'size popcorn' - working at the theater (work experience) [2]

You have a good start to your essay. It does not need too much grammar changes. I noticed that you write in a very simple and straightforword way, which makes your paper easy to read. Your job in a movie theater is an example of how every individual in a work/school/home environment is important, in order for things to run smoothly. Remember to add into your paper the fact that you are a person with drive and motivation (not necessarily in these words) Make yourself stand out by telling the reader about your plan- short term and long term goals. Relate these to your story. Good luck in school!

Undergraduate / "Imitation, then, is one instinct of our nature." ; Egypt Grants to Artists [3]

A few grammar suggestions...

Art, as an expression of creativity , is something humans must do by their very nature, since the dawn of human history. Mankind tried to express his existence by making art; it's obvious through those primitive paintings on cave walls.

For many years Egypt has been the cradle of culture and art.A walk through ancient pharaohs' colonnades would demonstrate that most Egyptians were artists while the others were admirers .

And I myself was no exception; I started painting since early years, during my primary education I won many juniors' competitions,
I would re-word this sentence, it sounds a little confusing. The sentences that follow in this paragraph are too long. Great content!

myinterest of ancient architecture, proportions and scale has helped me obtain high grades throughout my academic studies.

Nice essay, you have a good story! Be sure to let your essay portray yourself as a person with a plan (even if it is brief) You have explained your short-term and long term-goals very well.

Undergraduate / 'Each country should be held accountable for others' - Adelphi essay [2]

In my country The reader does not know what country you are from.

In order for poverty to be solved State that there are many different approaches to ending poverty, maybe give a few examples. Then go on to explain exactly what YOUR plan would be if you could reduce poverty. It is a nice idea that everybody share their money with the poor, but unfortunately there are individuals who are very much opposed to this.

The government should establish a department whose sole purpose is to assist with poverty in the country. We call this assistance "welfare" in America.

The government should also establish a law limiting the amount of children an individual can have based on their ability to sufficiently support these children as this too will greatly affect the level of poverty worldwide. Doesn't China have a policy like this? I am not sure if this sounds like a solution.

The government should also set aside a minimum of 4% of total tax collected to assist those people experiencing poverty based on level of poverty being experienced by an individual and to develop emergency housing for persons experiencing extreme poverty. This sentence is confusing. You are being vague here, expand on your 4% idea.

Every nation should take responsibility for other countries as the welfare of one affects all the[i] others.[/i]
This is very idealistic, keep focusing on real, creative solutions.

This essay still needs work, you are off to a good start! Remember that your paper is a reflection of yourself.

Undergraduate / brief 3-5 P essay-hoping to gain from experience at CBU?(academic, social, spiritual) [2]

You have the right idea, and you are on the right track. One thing I really like is how you emphasize the importance of god- however I would talk about your goals/career in the first paragraph, then go on to talk about what God means to you. Explain that an atmosphere of good faith and morals is where you feel like you belong.

moving away will force me to quickly take responsibility moving away will give me the opportunity to take responsibility

Keep talking about your short term and long term goals in life. Expand on how helping others is rewarding and makes you feel a sense of purpose in life. The university wants to know that you are a "person with a plan" Nice writing so far!

Undergraduate / 'to explore the fantastic world' - my PS, any suggestions? [3]

Some suggestions for your first paragraph:

On a hot and restless afternoon, hundreds of cars are running on a street. A "Cadillac" is just behind our "Blue bird". Suddenly, the Cadillac rushes into the right-hand bend line and moves in front of us. We keep the constant speed in the original straight lane . A beam of sunlight is reflected into our eyes from the Cadillac's mirror . However, Cadillac's "success" is just temporary. When we get closer to the crossroad, the Cadillac fails to get back in the straight lane since there is no space for it to merge . We can easily continue on our way, while Cadillac is forced to go into the wrong way.

A rush decision It was a rushed decision

turned out slowing down my whole process ...slowed down my progress

People all know it, however, people always tend to choose the cut way in the exact situation. So did me. The lesson I learned is that many people take a shortcut to save time, but in the end it can lead to delay.

My motivation got enlarged My motivation grew

You have a great story, continue to work on your grammar. Good luck in school!

Graduate / 'knowledge will not acquire you' - SOP, Computer Science [3]

I believe that a graduate study at "ABC" in Computer Science with world renowned professors and impressive facilities will definitely help me gain more knowledge and also help me reach greater heights in my professional career.

You are saying the right thing, but this sentence is quite long, maybe split into 2?

have an attitude to never give up. re-word this

I have been fascinated with computers

Apart from my "DOS commands for the day" sessions with my father, I alsolearned about the improvements and developments that were happening in the field of computers from various sources such as journals, books and so forth.

Again, say these thing in 2 shorter sentences, it will be easier to read.

where I learnt about the hardware aspects of a computer, about the peripherals, history of processors and how instructions are processed by the processor.
Start with a new sentence here: There, I developed knowledge about peripherals... etc

You are doing a great job with content, you could continue working on the grammar. Good luck!

Scholarship / 'Science, the nature and its essence' - cancer studies research interests [3]

At the end you could tie in your love of exercise. If you add that you are very enthusiastic about your own health and longevity. Also, the healthier you are, the less risk of cancer, which relates to your studies. Excellent job in pointing out that you have strong convictions when choosing a career- and that you are driven by morals more than money. Remember, the reader (college, etc.) wants to know that you are a "person with a plan" Emphasize your short-term and long-term goals ( you have begun to do this well in this paper) I like that your personality shows through your essay. nice writing!

Essays / Portrayal of mental health and illness in the media or popular culture (how to start) [2]

Some people have very little access to proper healthcare/ medication. I think the media is subliminally creating negativity within television, movies (mental illness is sensationalized- causes misconceptions) commercials for meds-- ever watch a channel for an hour and see 6+ commercials for the SAME depression med for example? Are the pharm companies working with the government to keep us on drugs and sedated- yes, meanwhile keeping us in a constant state of fear (see "The Obama deception") raising anxiety levels. The economy is in a depression as well. Not sure if the main point is the mentally ill being dangerous- but stigmatized is correct. You may never know that the person next to you has struggled silently for years without reaching out for help, for fear that they are judged upon. Many people (especially men) are afraid to admit they have a mental problem, for fear of looking weak. In the body section, you are correct- the government wants americans to be in constant fear, they produce violence and anger with media. The point is- in a nutshell- if we were not afraid, and people were pacifists (think hippies 1960's style)we would revolt against the war and be more aware of the violence perpetuated by the media.

Writing Feedback / Measures to promote understanding towards volunteerism [2]

Nowadays, volunteerism can be found everywhere. Re- word this sentence Maybe: Volunteerism is a growing trend in many communities.

For that reason, measures have to be taken to promote an understanding about volunteerism. What measures? Be more specific. Focus a little more on how being a volunteer can be very rewarding to an individual.

As the citizens grow understanding towards the importance of volunteerism, they will develop good citizenship, which in turn will benefit the society as a whole.

As people understand the importance of volunteering in their community...

A lot of people see volunteerism as time wasting.[i] wasting time.

[i]Other than the government, Remove this from the beginning of that sentence

Try to avoid repeating the same words over and over, use more specific examples, and somehow tie yourself into the essay. Show that you stand up for your beliefs.

Continue checking your grammar. Great ideas, keep them coming to improve on this paper!

Writing Feedback / more and more people start to pay attention to education [2]

A few things...

With the rapid development of economy, more and more people start to pay attention to education.
Improve on this, many people do not believe that the economy is rapidly developing... all the more reason to emphasize education. We as a country do not want graduates to expect life to be easy after school- they need confidence and motivation.

There are several reasons for me to posit this. Remove this from the 1st paragraph, and say this at the beginning of the 2nd paragraph. Also re-word this sentence.

A recent survey indicates that since the salaries of teachers are relative low, many teachers have to find another job to enhance the quality of the whole family life which results in that teachers don't have enough time and energy for class.

This sentence is too long, Say "Surveys indicate that teacher's salaries are relatively low. In order to make enough money to support their family, a teacher may take on a part-time job for extra income. This results in teachers who are sluggish and less passionate.

Another good point: some schoolteachers are offered incentives to continue their own education, some schools will pay for graduate level classes or other supplements to a teacher's knowledge base.

Nice job- good luck in school!

Undergraduate / 'I love all of my family members' - Essay about personal importance [2]

A few grammar issues...

Whenever I did something wrong, she just gently told me not to relapse into.
Relapse is not a good word here. Maybe say she taught you to never make the same mistake twice.

I even cheated my mother to play games.
This is unclear (what do you mean specifically)

Then, she banned me from going out with friends, walking to school alone.
...friends and walking to school alone (unsupervised- if you want a fancier word)

"Van, you are the only hope of me, why did you let me downm by cheating me and letting yourself distracted from studying?".

This sentence needs to be re-worded, it sounds confusing.

Just remember to show this through your essay: you have made a mistake, you learned from it, you are a better person now, AND that makes you strive for higher goals, makes you more focused, and be sure to mention your long-term goals briefly. God luck in school!

Writing Feedback / TOEFL - It's good idea to hire employee for long time [2]

Some people believe that hiring employees for a long time does not allow companies to grow very fast and they loose their efficiency during the time.

long time... causes a company to grow slowly and lose efficiency over time. This would sound better.

Other think, these employees are big resources for that company because they have a lot of related experience about their daily activities.
Others think lifetime employees are a large asset to a business, because they have a lot of experience.

The first reason why keep employee for long time is not a good idea is that they become less energetic and creator during the time.

There are several reasons why a company may not benefit from a lifetime worker. A worker whom is not concerned with job loss may become lazy or less creative.

he cannot adopt his self he cannot adapt himself

firstly, they think that people who works in a company for many years are very loyal to that company and he thinks that plays an important role in that company, so he tries to do his best. First, a business may think a lifetime worker is very loyal and devoted to his job. Also, if he senses that he is valuable and needed, he will do his best to help the company.

I would add at least two more sentences into the final paragraph. Great ideas, good luck in school!

Writing Feedback / Incredible me essay (what makes me incredible for my language art essay) [2]

Is it the ultimate goal of happiness that, all individuals are searching for?
You should re-word this sentence. An idea: Are all individuals searching for the ultimate goal of happiness?

They are something that you wish to achieve or to do, for these make you happy.
In order to be truly happy, a person must have an idea of what they want to achieve.

Excellent job with the references to great authors- especially the Hitchhiker's (what a great movie too!)

I need knowledge to obtain the chance to gain more different knowledge in different environment.
Re-word this sentence, it is confusing.

I wasn't born with brightest brain,
Be sure to emphasize how you are focused on self improvement as much as possible, that you are a person with a plan. Also, beware of using the word "dream" too much, "goal, achievement, etc" sound better. Imagine how the reader interprets your personality while reading this essay. Be sure to tie together the 1st and last paragraphs.

Undergraduate / reckless; How my mistakes i made in high school made me a better person-UC essay [3]

You have an interesting story.

That point came at the beginning of my sophomore year in high school and with those kinds of thoughts in a fifteen year old girl's mind it became ten months made up of arguments, tears, lies, heart break, and a lot of time spent at home. Run-on sentence. You could remove "in high school" and re-word the rest.

Going into the tenth grade I was three months shy of sixteen years of age and even though in all reality I was still a little kid I felt like I was so much older. You can say this, but I would say it differently.

After all the arguments, hurtful lies and ugly truths came out.
This starts to get a little too much about your emotions, I would condense this part of your story, and add more about your plan for life. You need to imagine applying to school as if you are standing before a judge. Say only what is relevant and makes you look respectable in the end. Of course, it is great that you explain how you had "the rug pulled out from under you" but I would emphasize how you had the guts to "pull yourself up by your bootstraps." Remember that you need to stand out among the many many apps the schools receive, so make sure to show the college that you are a "person with a plan."

Writing Feedback / Toefl: active class or inactive one [3]

Some students would rather just listen to the professor, and they do not interest in participating in class, but I prefer an active class, which students take part in the discussion and keep trying to talk about topics. This sentence is a little too long. Change "they do not interest" to "they are not interested"

Also, students are capable of directing the discussion and do not permit that the professor's speech tends to some irrelative issues. ...discussion and keep the professor on topic. This would sound better.

For instance, in my class, I read other books about International Politics course because I cannot get a good score without extra study. ...books about an International Politics course because extra research was needed to supplement the lecture.

Last but not least, students could learn better. This sentence is too simple and plain.

Indeed, they are able to remember the materials in their mind very well because their debates cause, they do not be forgotten by students. ...the material very well because of interaction with their classmates, such as debates.

Your grammar is not that bad, I can understand what you mean, I pointed out a few things that could sound better. Good luck in school!

Undergraduate / Finding the one through a match maker- How did you first learn about St. Bona [6]

Excellent introduction, it really draws attention to your essay.

Thirty-five, that's how many possible matches I had. I would re-word this sentence.

I like how you explain the questions going through your mind while searching. In this paragraph, you ought to add in specific examples of what you want in a college (make it apparent that you have short-term goals such as the swim team).

When I was four, it was cracking the eggs and licking the spoon whenever there was a big charity bake sale; as I grew older, I started running marathons and 5k's with my mom in support of cancer; a couple of years ago, I volunteered at a local hospital to help malnourished children. I like what you are saying, but this sentence is too long.

Very good, just be sure to emphasize that you have a plan for your life and link everything in the essay to your goals.

Undergraduate / 'She has been my mentor' - someone who impacted my life [5]

Nice essay. There are a few things that can be adjusted:

I can remember as a first grader, walking into her room, being mortified that she was consoling one of my classmates in a rocking chair who had just taken a tumble down the slide during a rowdy session of recess. This sentence is a little too long. I am wondering why you were mortified? Maybe surprised is a better word to use.

It is always good to show your family values and morals in an admission essay, just try to refer to your goals in school and in life.

Growing up, my mom was always the peaceful mediator between my brother and I. You are starting a new paragraph here so you may want to create a main point and begin with that. This is where you wrap up the essay so make sure you emphasize YOU a little more.

Undergraduate / "The Ultimate Question"- Commonapp personal essay [2]

Good job, nice writing! A few suggestions:

These questions have teased men for centuries. I am no exception. Indeed, the question has found a comfortable position deep inside my brain where it ignites neurons into thinking. Sometimes, for days. You could shorten the first sentence and then add the 2nd sentence so they become 1 sentence.

no matter what explanations were thrown at my curiosity. You could omit this.

You are overusing the word "universe"

Even today, I spend weeks just thinking about the way our universe works. This sounds a little cheesy, maybe you could say that everyday events cause you to contemplate why things are the way they are.

Everything around me appears nothing more than algorithms. You may want to remove this, although it is apparent you are adding tech terms into your essay to show personality and that's ok.

Remember to state how these lessons you have learned connect to your short-term and long-term goals, you want the university to see that you know what you want.

Undergraduate / 'I like cheese / architecture / Mali' - Notre Dame [11]

I love the essay about cheese-awesome! Maybe you could be a little more descriptive of how cheese makes you feel, that it is a comfort food for you.

Essay 2) I subconsciously believe... I would change this phrase, it sounds weird. In this essay you sound like you are rambling. Since you have so little space to write-make sure it is quality, remember what the university wants to hear- your major point here is that community is very important to you in a school environment.

In the final essay, it is a bit too wordy. I would just keep it simple, you write very well.

Undergraduate / 'the streets of Hong Kong' - UC transfer app- out of my comfort zone [3]

Growing up in San Francisco, I am fortunate enough to be surrounded my many different viewpoints of life, from animal rights to the anything else that a person can believe in.

The wording of this sentence could be better, it is hard to understand. You state that many people around you have many different opinions, be more specific.

However, this is only one viewpoint of life. This does not pertain to the sentences before it. What is the one viewpoint? Sounds confusing. I think the word viewpoint is actually the wrong word to use: you are referring to people's beliefs.

You have the right idea, your topic is great and shows off your personality, just remember what the college wants to hear- the school wants to know that you have a plan for life, so try to explain this, even if its in one sentence that ties the essay to your goals. Good luck :)

Writing Feedback / English 107 - money can't buy long-term happiness [3]

In this time of crisis where not many people can reach to the end of the month, the answer of this question will be a resounding yes.But, for people who live comfortably with enough money to reach to the end of the month, the answer for this question probably will be no.

What exactly is the "question" you refer to in these 2 sentences? I would re-word this and omit the word question because it sounds confusing.

the increase of currency "wage increase" would sound better.

Try to simplify some of your big words (its kinda obvious you were using a thesaurus to get them) such as inhabitants and jubilation.

We need to put the things that matter most to our bliss in front of the things that matter to others' perceptions of them.
Be sure to make this statement in the beginning of your essay (use different words but say the same general idea) Doing this will tie everything together.

You have many good points, and you have a great topic, the grammar just needs a little work.

Undergraduate / 'distorted as a result of Hollywood movies and TV shows' - A&M Crossing Boarders [5]

They have the same group of friends their entire life and avoid change like it's the plague. I believe a human can not grow intellectually in this narrow minded environment. You are over-generalizing, it comes across as a little harsh. Of course a person can grow on an intellectual level, but what they may be lacking is SOCIAL intelligence. You could mention how social intelligence is every bit as important as book smarts.

Their perception of other cultures is distorted as a result of Hollywood movies and TV shows such as South Park. This is a good point, expand on how the media perpetuates racism and cultural stereotypes.

You are off to a good start, just try not to sound so judgmental. Also, try to connect your story to the "big picture."

Essays / How to start: "American gothics is ironic but also has negative meanings" [3]

I think this painting is ironic because of how the couple are portrayed. The man and his sister look forlorn instead of happy or hopeful. They have a look of "life is hard." Also, the irony may be in how many parodies of this painting exist, it is very well-known. Negative meanings, family life is difficult and it is challenging just to survive the farm-life. It represents many negative feelings, and appears very straightforward and serious.

Undergraduate / Common App-"YMCA Ballet Instructor provides help for young girl" Hamilton College [2]

You do a nice job describing the subject of your story. Your feelings and challenges are laid out well in your paper. It is easy to read and flows nicely. Remember, it is very important to show the University that you have a plan. Make it clear that you have short term goals, as well as long-term goals. Even one sentence can link your essay to your goals in life and school.

Undergraduate / My heritage, my world (UC Prompt 1) & Making people smile is my talent (UC Prompt 2) [2]

Essay 1) You do an excellent job stating your short-term and long-term goals. It is great that you have roots in your culture and community, you display this well. Your essay is very easy to read and flows nicely. I like how you outlined what your final projects are for your senior year.

Essay 2) Its seems that you are always trying to better yourself, and are very motivated. Making people smile- this is great because it really lets your personality show. It is simple but sweet, and you are obviously wise beyond your age. Nice work.

Undergraduate / 'the same world as many Latinos' - UC Essay Prompt 1 [2]

Nice job! This essay really works. A few things:

People always hear the same stories about how Latinos live in communities with a lot of bad influences.
What you are trying to say here: Latinos are stereotyped as underprivileged, uneducated, and low income. People imagine Latinos live in poor conditions, in dirty neighborhoods, with bad people, drugs and gang activity.

They felt college wasn't for us Latinos, the fear of getting looked down upon or being rejected from that community. So in your community, there is a stigma attached to a very knowledgeable, well-educated person- like an assumption that they think they are better.

Once he got me on the track to go to college, I started to think more socially and community wise. I would re-word this sentence.

No one is there to help the people of America; no one is willing to give a hand at a certain extent for such a small matter.

This sentence is hard to understand.

The country faces such deficit with low money to the education system and a lot of money to the war of Iraq. You make a good point, but i would "upgrade" this sentence somehow to sound more mature.

Undergraduate / The Movies and Film Acts (A common App) [4]

Your essay is fantastic! You are an excellent writer and your thoughts are very well-organized. This is easy to read and interesting, probably because you have many good points.

Yes, movies can be inspiring- to make yourself a better person or be happier in general. A movie should also be a form of escape from the mundane into an amazing world. And you say this: A movie should also be a form of escape from the mundane into an amazing world. Basically, this the most important thing you can say, it is a major point.

The most popular movies today may fill the screen with fantastic pictures of creatures that never existed but they lose the ability to impact the viewer, which is a special effect far greater than anything conjured up on a computer. What you are saying here is great, but the sentence is a bit long and wordy.

Undergraduate / 'Depression' - Issue of Importance- TEXAS A&M TOPIC B [2]

How can depression affect a person's everyday life? (besides saying the generic)

Depression takes a toll on people through sadness, and death. Right here- remove the part about death, and then expand on what the sadness really means for a person. Are you talking about your "generation" like the question asks? Explain more about certain world or American events could generate depression (9/11 or hurricane Katrina, the shootings a Virginia Tech, earthquake in Haiti) The media fuels our generational depression, causing hopelessness. Also more people are growing up spoiled with a skewed view of how real life ought to be, and become disappointed with life in general.

My friend, Frank, has been diagnosed with depression on three separate occasions. Re-word this: He has has three major depressive episodes.

Undergraduate / 'Experience with performance' - Macaulay Essay on risk [2]

Fantastic story! Your essay is very well-written and easy to read. I think many people can relate to your situation, which is striving for something just out of reach. You have great follow-through after the initial story and you tie everything together nicely. There are no grammatical errors that are apparent. The event when you performed has shaped who you are as a person, and that is very meaningful. You answered the question in a mature, educated way.

Essays / Ideas for beginning my essay on Mobile Phones and their impact on life [10]

You want ideas? Think about situations that would be different if a cell phone was not available to you. I don't think the question requires you to write about "apps" and such (smartphone stuff). So I would maybe give an example or two of a time when a cellphone really made things better (or worse?), say your car broke down- imagine NOT having a cellphone. Remember to show your personality through your writing, this is what the reader really wants. Plus, be original, try not to write about what you imagine others' responses would be.

Undergraduate / 'focused on my grandpa' - Michigan state [3]

Nicely done! This essay is very well written and easy to read.

My mind wasn't focused on school; it was focused on my grandpa. It may sound better here to emphasize how you focused on grandpa, "my mind was less focused on school, and MORE (insert another word for focused) on grandpa.

She moved in with them because she believed that my grandpa needed constant supervision and needed to be taken care of. Your mother sacrificed a lot for her father... the ending of this sentence should be changed to "needed care" for example (remove "of" at the end)

The leaving of my mom left my home in shambles, we rarely saw her and this put my home through a tough time.
Try to be a little more descriptive of how your home was in "shambles." Don't forget to keep linking your story to your academics. Also you say "home" twice here.

In the time that he was alive I wasn't focused on school. This sentence could be re-worded.

The final sentence could use work, and remove "to" at the end. All in all, a great essay!

Writing Feedback / Some movies are serious, designed to make the audience think. Other movies are not. [4]

The grammar is pretty good. I pointed out a couple sentences that I thought could use some work. Nice job!

Graduate / 'raised in a poor village in West Bengal, India' - Personal History Statement [5]

Wow! Excellent story.
Little did anyone know that a student who couldn't speak English properly and had never touched a computer mouse before his 7th grade could be double Gold Medalist in the All India Computer Olympiad in the year 2005 and 2006. This sentence is too long and wordy, say these things in 2 sentences.

This incident was life-changing and I could see my true potential. These achievements were life-changing and I realized my full potential.

I could see my challenge, my life goal right in front of my eyes.
My passion for technology and research skills gave me nationwide recognition and every time. These sentences connect 2 paragraphs, they need to "flow" better. This is a bit disjointed.

You explain that your education and success has led to a strong desire to give back to your community. I think the reader would like to know what this experience taught you and how has it rewarded you. It needs a little more personality in the last paragraph because it begins to sound more like a resume.