Undergraduate / Being A Hawk-Peddie Application [5]

Hi :) I can offer some suggestions:

This world is full of different types of animals; there are amphibians, land animals, aquatic animals, and aerial animals.
You could instead say: "amphibians, land dwellers, marine life, and aerial animals. Just ideas.

All these different animals have different point of views. Omit this sentence

If I could be an animal for a day, I would like to be be a hawk, because a hawk is cautious, aware, and they couldcanmonitor a prey or other eventssee from a mile away. In addition to that, Also, the hawks have the freedom to fly anywhere they want without restrictions. If I could be a hawk for a day, it would relieve me from all my stress.

Expand on these ideas, use the this paragraph to be really descriptive- draw the reader's attention. "relieve me from all my stress" sounds odd- You should re-word this phrase.

A hawk also symbolizes foresight, the ability to see into the future.
I know what you mean while you describe the hawk in this paragraph. However, seeing into the future, and foresight-- these words imply that the bird has ESP or psychic powers. So, use your words wisely, be more specific. You are trying to say that the hawk is always a few seconds ahead of what it is hunting, due to its fast-thinking skills. The hawks has to quickly plan its timing just right, in order to strike at the exact right moment. There is no margin for error, or the hawk will lose his meal, which he needs to stay strong. I think these are the sort of metaphors you are trying to explore.

You have chosen a great topic to write about, I wish you luck, and I hope this helps :)

Essays / (Drugs Legal / Economic sanctions) Thesis statement help [4]

Can you be more specific about the topic? It is a little confusing- can you re-post with the specific question, or any ideas that you already have? Do you mean that you will discuss this notion: The government will legalize drugs for the general population, but athletes exclusively will not be allowed drugs at any time? This is a topic that you will explain, and find reasons to support your argument? Sounds like a tough subject to work with... if you could re-post with a little more to go on, there are many people here who are willing to help. :) Good luck

Undergraduate / 'volunteering and working as a technician at Widernet Project' - Common app transfer [3]

Hi :) I can try to help:

During my first semester of college, I spent almost a hundred and fifty hours volunteering and working as a technician at Widernet Project. My time working on there was not easy - as I lacked computer science expertise. I had to learn C language through Internet forums and open courses ofat other universities, without directionsinstruction from a real person. I even spent three days testing just to understand the value types returned by functions. Nevertheless, I loved the time I spent onworking there. I worked with many passionate facultiesstaff members , nearly learned the entire structure of a computer, and began to appreciate the pleasure of reflection.

Actually, I wasdid not really know what I wanted to do in the future.As my transcript shows , I chose different courses acrossdifferentin various disciplines in theduring my first semester of college.

Great topic and you have an interesting paper! You have grammar issues throughout your essay. For your conclusion, make it at least a few sentences long, I hope my suggestions can help you. Good luck :)

Research Papers / Childhood obesity (America's future) [2]

Nice job with your paper- it is very interesting and you have many good points to support your argument. Here are a few things you may want to change:

Childhood obesity has tripled in the past 3 decades in the United States and it is becoming a growing epidemic, with alarming numbers given by the CDC, 12.5 million of children and teens in the United States are consider obese which means that 17 percent of children in this country are overweight.

This sentence is really long, split it up into two short, simpler sentences.
....and it is becoming a growing epidemic, I think you could omit "becoming" or "growing" because these two word together are redundant.

The effects of obesity in children are immediate health problems as well as long-term health problems.
You could say: "Obesity has negative effects on children, which raises immediate concern, because long-term health problems are inevitable.

Another cause ofO besity in children can be caused by certain medications, such as steroids, which cause an imbalance on the hormoneshormone imbalance and therefore on the children'san inefficient metabolism.

It has immediate health effects in children but if it is not treated the health effects can be long-term. Re-word this sentence... also at this point in the essay, you have said the phrase "health effects" a lot, so you may want to find some synonyms for this.

You have a well-written research paper, I hope these suggestions help. Good luck in school!

Essays / Why do humans we fail - help on writing the book [4]

I can try to brainstorm a little on this subject :)

accepting negative criticism/ low self esteem/ fear of failure

I feel that these three are interrelated, then the following three points come second. Low self esteem- if you think you are not "good enough" to succeed, you cannot succeed. There are "life skills" that everyone needs to function normally everyday, and these skills are key. Self esteem is of the utmost importance, if you feel awful about yourself, you will never get everything you want in life. If you are raising a child, you know that self esteem is created at a very young age. If someone cannot feel happy about who they are, therapy is always an option, because they will learn to turn off negative thoughts, and replace these thoughts with positive ones. Practice makes perfect, and part of self esteem is knowing that you can get better, do better, earn more money... you know that in the future things will be ok. You cannot drift through life unhappy about yourself, because you will not enjoy the really awesome things that you already have. Fear makes a person unable to achieve for many reasons. If they need to, for example.. apologize to a friend because they made a mistake.. they are probably afraid that they won't succeed in making things right with a person they care about. They are afraid of an argument or complete rejection, but this is anxiety. Anxiety results from fear of the unknown, or what COULD happen. If a person has bad self esteem, they will think of the worst possible scenario, they will think I am a terrible friend. This anxiety must be overcome, which takes skill, the skill is taking a leap over the fear and JUST DO IT. Don't be afraid of the consequence, try your best always- and you will succeed. That person needs to just pick up the phone without worry or fear, know they are a good person who only made a mistake, and a good friend. If the other friend does not accept the apology, the person should not let this affect their happiness, they need to know that things will not always be perfect, and that person will learn from their mistake. Knowing these skills can make a person better able to make and keep friends.

procastination/ lack of preparation / inadequate planning
If you are not prepared, or do not have the skills you need to achieve something, it won't happen. If you go fishing for the first time, and have never practiced fishing, when you catch a fish it is not success, it is being lucky. In order to get what you want, you must have the skills- willpower, motivation, confidence, fearlessness, and a good attitude. You must THINK the right way, in a positive way. You must envision the thing you want, and know in your mind 100% that you will get that thing, achieve that goal. If you wait too long, other people can get that thing first (a job, for ex.) That job requires a person with skill and a person that is prepared to work. Without a plan for life or a goal, you cannot get what you truly want. There are stepping stones along that way- in order to get a car- I must first get my licence, then get a loan, etc. When you want to buy something big- a new TV- incorrect planning and research could lead to unhappiness with your purchase or the price you paid. Consider a child with a set of building blocks... they won't do much with the blocks, until somebody shows them that they can build a tower or a house. If a person is not educated on a subject, they cannot advance in the field.

I hope these ideas help... I really like analogies and metaphors, and using these can really help get a point across. I wish you luck with your book :)

Undergraduate / 'passion for business' - A Hopeful Junior Transfer - Personal Essay [8]

Hi :)

You are off to a great start! You have an interesting story and many good points to write about.

First paragraph: Be descriptive to get the reader's attention, as you begin your story. Try to be as "positive" about your depression as you can, try not to sound dramatic or give trivial reasons. Definitely link your depression to your move, but don't make it sound like you cannot adapt. basically you set the scene here, in order to describe your upward progress.

2nd paragraph: What inspired you to be better? Describe a few things that led to your realization. You knew that certain skills are required to be successful, and if you would not have learned these skills without hard work and perseverance. What small achievements led to you thinking that a good education is necessary?

3rd: Yes, explain how your education has shaped you into a more confident, happy, intelligent person. State your short term and long term goals. The college wants to know that you are a "person with a plan" and they you possess the skills to get what you want in life.

I think your ideas are right on track, you have a good plan for your essay. I hope to see the result of your outline posted on here, and will be happy to edit! Best of luck to you :)

Dissertations / Msc well and drilling engineering student - Msc project topic help [10]

Hi :)

Personally, I would be most interested in the topic of technology. I want to know- what is the new or up and coming machine or apparatus that will help production. Maybe discuss a machine that has been created to be better for the environment or for safety. I really like to read Popular Science magazine, and they often have articles that describe new and exciting machines or concepts. These articles are something you might want to look at, for some ideas on presenting your topic. I don't know much about the subject, but I am sure there is a lot of information and ideas of technology that exists. Good luck with your paper! Post it here when you finish, even if you have a rough draft, anything really- we are here to help! :)

Undergraduate / PURDUE's "my autobiography - digital life" [4]

Hi :) Interesting essay! You have many good ideas.
I can help you with some minor issues:

Thereis a saying, "The life like play".
Do you mean to say "life is like a play"??

I shall say, Life is more than a play, b ecause your future is always unpredictable, and marvelous coincidences are always around the corner.
So exactly as my title states , my autobiography will be divided into 3 parts, or more precisly, 3 digitals.
I would revise this sentence to make your argument more clear. I don't feel convinced that "life is more than a play"-- back this up with a strong statement.

Look out every small things happened in your life, they might be the fork for your future.
This doesn't really make sense. Explain the "small thing" concept in a separate sentence, then you may want to say "every small opportunity that you take in your life may lead to changes in the future."

Several stories of mine will be portrayed indicating how one "small thing" infulenced my whole life.
You could say "I will portray several stories, which are indications of how "small things" have influenced my life.

Everyone has his/her own peculiarities, these peculiarities are affected under different condition to impart different influence to their subjects.This part will talk about how my negative features develop into positive ones.

This sentence is confusing and hard to read... You are trying to say: "Each person has their own unique qualities, which can easily influence other people; positively or negatively."

Keep working on your grammar, stay focused on the topic(its all about you- because its an autobiography), try not to state the obvious. Be original, and let your personality shine! Good luck in school!

Book Reports / Proving a quote using Hamlet and The Great Gatsby [2]

I would like to hear what your ideas are... I have not read Great Gatspy, and I read Hamlet but 10 years ago :/ Each book must have characters that exemplify this statement. Elaborate on these particular characters. To not be concerned with others takes a certain amount of detachment from other people. What kind of person is like this-- an egocentric megalomaniac. A sociopath, perhaps. I am pretty sure that kind of person is happy, not concerned with others, because they only worry for themselves. The statement that will be your topic is difficult to prove- because is seems contradictory to the human essence-- making others happy in turn makes you happy. Is there any character in these books that is a prime example of this concept? I would start writing about that character, to get the ball rolling... if you come p with anything, start a new thread so it stands out... we are here to help :) Good luck!

Undergraduate / 'passion for business' - A Hopeful Junior Transfer - Personal Essay [8]

Hi :) Nice job with your editing, you must be working hard on this.
I will look it over for you again.

(Name of City) was my home, where I grew up, where all my friends were, and the thought of leaving all of that was behind was difficult to come to grips with, to say the least.accept.

... I was part of UBUNTU, a club that partnered members with pen pals in Africa.
I would make this notion its own sentence- it is very interesting

It was a challenge balancing academics and competitive hockey, but it was a challenge I always tackled adamantly.
You could say: Balancing academics and competitive hockey was a challenge, which I tackled adamantly.

Unfortunately, after relocating to the United States, the majority of my junior and senior years were spent coping with the relocation, and it soon became apparent to me that I was suffering from depression.

You state this perfectly.

While I had found a few friends in my new high school, I often found it difficult to let go of my past, and would constantlyreminisce about my childhood.memories in my head.

I had always been computer savvy, and figured that I should leverage my skills and combine my computer skills and business mentality.
This sentence sounds funny... "leverage my skills" should be removed/replaced to make this sentence better- but you make a very good point!

I joined a number of popular internet marketing forums and spent countless months reading and reading, educating myself on various online business models and how they could be monetized. In the end, I decided focus on building niche websites, which would be monetized with Google Adsense. This model allowed me to practice both my marketing skills, as well as my entrepreneurship skills, while keeping me occupied with something I enjoyed.

Wow! Awesome! The is the "essence" of your essay!

I now alsoknow first hand that life is full of hardships, and it is how we deal with those hardships that determines whether they will turn out to be negative or positive experiences.

Your conclusion is impressive! Nice essay :) Good luck in school

Writing Feedback / 'That special someone is my MOM' - THE PERSON I ADMIRE [4]

Maybe you should revise the way you begin this essay, FIRST: introduce the idea of your mom being the one you admire, THEN explain all of the qualities that you describe. Be sure to focus on the qualities of your mother that you admire most, include aspects of her personality, her job, her passions and interests, then link your own self to her qualities. You are already doing these things, just trying to emphasize the best way for you to stay on track. Tell it like its a story, make your words flow. I wish you luck :)

Essays / What is GRE writing? [4]

Hi Shery :)

Please post your sample writing on here! We are happy to help, that's what we are here for :) We can help you learn/practice your english, then you will feel confident during your exam.

Graduate / 'tropical rainforests of Venezuela' - Statement for PhD in Astrobiology [5]

Here are some changes that I can suggest:

I remember being particularly amazed by animals and the sloth that lived in my garden's avocado tree, who really knew how to grab my attention, leaving me wondering about its odd behavior and lazy lifestyle.

With the transition from a small agriculture village brimming with natives and nature to Lisbon I shifted my interest in animals mainly to science and music. From that moment on, my major interest is learning and finding explanation for things.

You could say: "I made the transition from a small agriculturefarming village brimming with natives and nature, to Lisbon, where I shifted my interests to science and music. From that moment on, my major interest is learning and finding explanations for things.

Also, ending the sentence in "for things" is a bit vague, you may want to end this sentence and paragraph with a bolder statement.

Despite my broad range of interests and aptitudes, I realized that chemistry was the rightbest subject for me to study at university,owingdue to its fascinating ubiquity. I would not subscribeclaim that everything is chemistry, but I believe that it is the science that can best fulfill my main interest: explain things.

Through chemistry, it is possible to explain that the sloth's lazy lifestyle is caused by a slow metabolism, or make life changingcrucial discoveries such as plastics or life-saving pharmaceuticals.

Essays / What is GRE writing? [4]

Sure! It helps to title your post. Say: "need grammar help for GRE exam" for example.

Graduate / 'tropical rainforests of Venezuela' - Statement for PhD in Astrobiology [5]

You are correct-- this is a major theme in your essay, and you follow through with it nicely. I only suggest that you may want to choose different words in that statement, but what you are saying is fine. You have written a very interesting and intelligent paper. I am sure the college will be lucky to have a student as enthusiastic as you :)

These sentences really provide the root of your desire to learn/study Chemistry... so focus on these, and make sure they stand out for the reader.

From that moment on, my major interest is learning and finding explanation for things.

I would not subscribe that everything is chemistry, but I believe that it is the science that can best fulfill my main interest: explain things.

I think it is enthralling to think that chemistry can rewrite history or truly explain for the first time the way we see life and its origin in our planet.

(I scratched out "I think" here because it sounds redundant)

Undergraduate / PURDUE's "my autobiography - digital life" [4]

Hi :) No worries! You are doing fine. About your questions:

this was copy from my last statement, the original one is
"everybody came to this world as the same, except that they all had their own peculiarities. These peculiarities have no difference in terms of good or bad, they are affected under different condition to impart different influence to their subjects, therefore creating different people."

i wanna say, that one peculiarity/quality could be different(positive/negative) under different environments. (does it make sense to you? i am really weak on expression...especially in English...)

You have the right idea, and you are trying to link this idea to your own personal experience. I know you are trying to show the reader that you think critically and philosophically. This statement is not necessary, if you are having a lot of trouble with it. However, it still sounds confusing. Maybe try saying this through a metaphor? I have a better idea: this is the best way I can think of to write the sentence:

Each individual is born with unique qualities, which are influenced by their environment. The atmosphere that surrounds a person can shape their attitude, and influence their personality, for good or for bad.

try not to state the obvious Just a pointer. It helps to be aware of this when you continue editing. The grammar in your last two paragraphs needs some work as well.

Poetry / The Building (Spoken Word Poetry) [5]

Wow, this poem is incredible. You paint a picture that I can see right before my eyes. You are so descriptive and powerful emotions are perceived in these mental pictures. You are describing a girl through a metaphor- a house that was once pristine, and has been used, dilapidated, and neglected. I wonder if the woman you speak of is a prostitute, because you mention AIDS. This part makes me wonder: "It has become a commodity now out in the open for all day display and been sold over to many businessmen..." Sad... but realistic. Revealing, but shocking. Beauty becomes filthy. Rich becomes poor. I like it. Keep on writing! :)

Undergraduate / 'to test valor' - Relate interest in studying at Georgetown to your goals [10]

You write well. The introduction is impressive, very well-done. You show that you have critical thinking skills, and your intelligence is evident. Everything you state is well- thought out, there is no rambling, or boring filler- it is all quality! Excellent content, you are very clear when you state your goals, and how college is a stepping stone on the path to accomplishing what you want. Your paper is exemplary, near perfect!

Undergraduate / 'to improve my Spanish and get to know more' - essay of Self Introduciton [2]

I'm working on my senior project, which is a "Wireless Handheld Voting Device". It is a tool for students to answer the questions in the classroom.

The objective of this device is to let all thegive every student the chanceto be able to participate in the class. In the process of working on this device, I used Arduino Uno to beas the main hardware, in order to let the Visual Basic programing talkscommunicate with the device and pc.

I used Visual Basic programing to store all the information that was received by the Arduino Uno, i.e. the name of the subject, the students' information and answers from students. I wish that this device could be helpful for both teachers and students.

The reason I am interested in Spain a lot is because of its fantastic culture and nice places. My first and foremost goal for this year is of course to improve my Spanish and get to knowlearn more about how they spendtheir leisure time,and their art including architectures,and literature, as well as social issues.

Writing Feedback / Essay on the plight of children in Sub-Saharan Africa [4]

Here are a few things that stand out to me:

I know almost nothing about HIV and AIDS wreaking havoc in sub-Saharan African families and how different my life is from millions of children who run around the dirt streets, orphaned, because of this deadly disease. Yet, even though I am still in the preliminary stages of researching about this problem and I do not know what really goes on in that part of the world, I still feel like I have a connection with all those lost children, and I want to help them.

These two sentences are very long and wordy, you could divide them up into a few shorter, simplified, sentences.

This includes how to deal withapproach the issue and help prevent HIV from occurring.
First, if one is in the financial position they can help by financing a child's education.
This sounds odd, I would re-word this sentence.

Second, if one is not in the position to give a full scholarship to a child,youthey can help by donating money that will be used to purchase school supplies that these children so deeply are in need of .

You are writing in a very "wordy" way...try to simplify because it makes your essay easier to read. Of course, you may need to add more content if your shorten it. You have lots of great content already, so I am sure you will be fine. Just a suggestion :)

Writing Feedback / Does technology make us less creative or not? [3]

I like it. You provide many good points to support your argument. You have considered the topic, shown an ability to think critically, and followed through. I don't think anything could be changed here, maybe lengthen your conclusion a bit. You have a great paper, if you do anything, add more, expand on what you have already pointed out- that technology has increased creativity. I wish you the best of luck :)

Undergraduate / 'Hungarian and public health' - UT Austin undergraduate transfer application [3]

Very nice! Your essay is very well done. I suggested a few changes, i hope this helps :)

Although Hungary is said to be well-developed, there are the country still has problems that severely affect people's lives. which we must solve to become a true member(established?) country of Western Europe.

After the collapse of the Soviet Union in 1989, Hungary gainedindependence and became a democratic republic, leaving behind almost 50 years of suppression.

The second paragraph is very lengthy and you may want to consolidate this section a bit. I feel like as a reader, the history section outweighs the part where it applies to your generation. The beginning of the history could be a little more interesting, It is essential to the essay that you focus on reasons to support the issues, not everything behind them. Expand on your final thoughts about your generation.

I believe that the faith of the young and older generations in their country is important for the future; therefore these problems need to be resolved to restore the image of the country which can protect its people and can provide welfare amongst them, thus making Hungary good to live in. I would change "good to live in" to a different phrase.

Writing Feedback / My Relationship With My brother, A memoir [3]

Our childish antics caused us to be very close, causing my parents to call us "partners in crime".
You say cause twice, re-word this.
I think you have written this memoir with great care, and I can imagine your personality through your words.
You have an interesting story and you tell it well. I don't think that you need to change much at all. Nice job.
:

Book Reports / Characters dreams for a better life within of mice and men? [3]

Excellent.

I love how you state the purpose of your essay clearly: It makes it easy to read and it makes the paper interesting
loneliness and dreams--: it is apparent that people who are lonely have the greatest need of dreams to help them through.

You have many great points to back up your thesis, i can tell you have worked very hard on this! You have shown your ability to think critically. The reader is able to relate the story to their own life, without you having to say that straight out. You should re-word your concluding sentence:

To conclude, by the end of the novel, neither of the 3 highlighted characters found fulfilment in his/her dream.

Your paper is exemplary, I can tell that you are intelligent, and must be a natural at literature analysis, and you are a talented writer.

Undergraduate / 'Supplementing my sociological studies' - USC transfer [3]

I love the way you have written this story, it depicts a contrast of beauty vs. ugly. You paint a wonderful picture with your words. One phrase stands out to me: I cusp her hand "cusp" is not the right word, try "grasp, brush against, slightly touch" something like that. You need to build more of a connection between your story and how it represents your life.

I need to limit the presence of those sad, lost faces, permanently.
I feel like this statement needs some kind of explanation, it stands alone, almost like it doesn't quite "fit"

I am ecstatic at the prospect of cultivating a deeper understanding of the prospective conflict this move will bring.prospect and prospective should not be used in the same sentence, re-word this.

Your conclusion is nicely done, consolidate the final sentence into the paragraph before it, one sentence should not be its own paragraph.

Good job, mainly, you ought to focus on connecting the story to your reasons for building a better life for yourself. Good luck in school :)

Undergraduate / 'more analytical approach towards my life' - how you became interested in art [13]

Ultimately I'd like to provoke thought through images.
Well-done, excellent thesis-- It is obvious to me that you answer the prompt question very clearly in this one sentence.

A somewhat of a cliché is death, but I can't help but to be fascinated by death itself and all it's derivatives: skeletons, anatomy drawings, time, mortality and infinity.

Great, this gives the paper more character, and reveals some of the things that interest and amaze you. (You must love the depictions of skeletons in mexican paintings-- Dio de los Muertos style) When you say: "A somewhat of a cliché" it doesn't sound right-- just re-word that phrase.

I feel that analogue photographs capture beyond what is visible, bringing a certain nostalgic feel to them, almost like physical memories.
I'd like to know a little more about what you mean when you say this... clarify this notion. Also you may want to add-- most art and images are largely based on interpretation, and that is what keeps it interesting!

Images function as a universal language, the messages conveyed are never bluntly stated, and thought process is needed to decode said messages.
The last phrase in this sentence needs to be adjusted.. you are saying the right thing, but it sounds a bit disjointed.

All in all, you have done a great job conveying your passion and reasoning for the subject you intend to study. You present yourself as a mature, intelligent person who has great potential. Good luck in school :)

Writing Feedback / The Addiction Stigma: Finding the Grey Area Between Immorality and Disease [2]

Hi :) I will proofread your essay, and suggest some changes.

Now, at 46, after winning two rounds in the ring with breast cancer, Brianna has now becomeaddicted to the powerful opiates she depended on to get through the physical pain of cancer treatment, and to numb the emotions that she struggled to face.

You could shorten this sentence.

Brianna now attends daily N.A. meetings as her key to sobriety and is workingthrough the program with a sponsor.

Drugsor contribute to an ever-increasing number of violent acts including rape, homicide, assault, suicide, domestic violence, fatal driving accidents, and prostitution.

Despite what seemed to be our best efforts, (including a three-decades long, expensive but mostly unsuccessful 'War On Drugs") newer, more addictive, and more dangerous drugs continue to emerge, accessibility and attainment persist in convenience, and the compulsions take on newer and more sophisticated forms.

Another really long sentence, simplify if you can.

The moral model of addiction holds that the addict can truly make a choice to stop through will power alone but fails to do so because of a personal defect - a lack of willpower, moral laziness, and a weak character.

and:
The Disease Model of addiction is based upon evidence that a predisposition exists in the genetic makeup of the addict. These predispositions make the addict's brain more efficient than the average persons at establishing reward responses in the neural pathways that, as a result of the voluntary choice to use, create a chronic compulsion for the stimulus in order to produce the needed brain chemicals.

Nice job with these statements, they really stand out to me as a major points that you are trying to make.

Perhaps all one addictive gene needs to manifest is some type of stimulation or reward, and with the instantly-gratifying, bells-and-whistles type of society we live, the addict would appear to have a new dealer: society itself. Excellent- another great point.

Here are a few sentences that are areas where you could consolidate the idea/ phrase/ or statement-- either simplify, add them into another sentence, or omit them alltogether. You could try to reduce each paragraph by one sentence if you scan them for what sounds too "wordy"

1) As we sift through the attempts to efficiently control substances of addiction, the lesson appears to be that rather than focusing on the object of addiction, it is the compulsive behavior we seek to control, lest society will surely always have something bigger and better which we may graduate our addiction to.

2) Since the argument is based on a moral idea, it's appeal is mostly emotional - that is, we are encouraged to feel outrage when an addict blames his destructive or irresponsible behavior on drugs, disbelief when the addict claims that willpower is simply not enough, and that a focus on moral fortitude can cure any behavioral dysfunction.

3) Firstly, in order for the moral model of addiction to be a credible and reliable measure of human behavior, we must not only be able to apply it to all forms of addicted behavior, we must be able to consider the model just as applicable to all "moral" behavior as we do to addiction.

4) I did not look around and see what my stereotypes had taught me to envision - that is, I did not see weak, dirty, or fidgety individuals who looked strung-out - I saw many clean-cut, professional, respectable, and very welcoming individuals. If anything, it seemed as if their common thread made them sensitive to human sufferings and needs, although we can expect active addiction to look a bit different.

Writing Feedback / Fable story : the princess snail [3]

Hi :) I can edit your grammar for you.

In a vast kingdom, has a beautiful castle glitteres with lots of lights, and there was a beautiful princess lives there with her parents. Because she is very pretty, so she has become lazy, and does not want to do anything except for dancing, singing, hanging out with friends, and viewlook at clothes all day.

The King and Queen were very worried andconcerned about the princess. The King will teach her how to write and study goodhard .

The next day in the morning, the King called his daughter to his book room to teach her, but she does not listen and does not want to study .

In the afternoon, the Queen tried to teach her how to clean the house (castle?) and cook , but the princess didn't want to learn too .

Over the next few days , the King and Queen were worried sickbecause they were sad about the princess.

The King was mad at her, and wished the princess will become an ugly snail throughout the day on the street.

The princess became an ugly snail that goes out of the castle and to the road.

The princess snail don't have anyhad nowhere to go and she tried to find a place to sleep over night.

Focus on fixing your grammar issues, but you have a nice story so far :) Best of luck to you.

Writing Feedback / Persuasive Writing - Travelling around the world [4]

You have written a very nice paper. I think you could get a better grade by improving your grammar so I will suggest a few changes:

The world around you is amazing! It's beautiful and we have the opportunity to do whatever we desire.
The first sentence says "you" then the 2nd says "we"-- I would suggest changing it to say "The world around us is amazing!"

The big blue sky is beautiful , with the sun's rays shining through fluffy clouds. Mountains are so tallwhichthat they reach the sky like a stairway to heaven.

Very descriptive!

With everything being so expensive, it's difficult for some people to go on adventures around the globe.
I think this is not persuasive to travel, maybe omit this sentence.

My reason is, for being a tourist, exploring and enjoying learning about other countries and their cultures and traditions.
Try this:
Tourism is my reason to travel, explore, and enjoy learning about other countries, cultures, and traditions.

Whether you believe it or not, God made this incredible place for us.

Is it not interesting finding out how other people live their everyday lives which they take for granted? It is as if they are blinded by the beauty around them.

This sounds odd, Re-word this sentence.

However annoying and irritating they may be, its fun!
You could omit this sentence, it distracts me from the beautiful picture you have painted :)

Research Papers / Customer wants to terminate his contract. I dont wanna accept it until he pays up. [4]

We will send you a termination notice once we receive payment in full in the meantime we will continue doing service at this building and we will bill you for the service.

Payment in full is due. When it is paid, we will terminate your service. Until payment in full is received, you will be billed for our continued service.

Writing Feedback / nuclear technology a danger to life on Earth? Benefits and risks? [3]

The year 2011 consummated with the world population hitting seven billion.
The world population had risen to seven billion at the end of 2011.

Taking into consideration this scenario, it is agreed that nuclear technology with its various benefits serve as a saviour than as a danger to life on earth.

Taking this scenario into consideration, the various benefits of nuclear technology could be more helpful than harmful to life on earth.

By helping governments in undertaking various development projects and also acting as a means to overcome dreadful diseases, the useful aspects of nuclear technology prevail over the dangers associated with it.

The useful aspects of nuclear technology prevail over the dangers associated with it. Governments are using this technology to develop projects and find cures for disease.

The invention of nuclear technology came as a relief for the humanity, in the advent of an all time deficit in exhaustible energy reserves.

This effort Besides improving the economy, this effort has also raised the standard of living ofquality of life for people living below the poverty line.

Essays / Questions on thesis statement: what it is and how to identify it? [5]

Your thesis statement is a basis for your essay. You should state your topic in a sentence or two. Basically, a thesis is the main point or idea that your paper is about. One approach to writing your thesis is to write your paper first (keep that major point you want to make in your mind) and then add in your thesis near the beginning of the essay. The thesis needs to reflect the reason you have written the paper. If you are making an argument, the thesis should clearly state what the topic is, and in simple terms explain why you are making the argument. Once you have a good thesis, use it as a building block for the rest of your essay, then you can always edit the thesis statement afterwards, i mean double-check the thesis and be sure that it truly reflects the meaning of your essay. When you have some of your paper written, please post in a new thread, and we can help you edit your paper. I hope this helps! Good luck

Undergraduate / "too compassionate" - McMaster Health Science: What defines you as you? [3]

I really like your essay, it is interesting and is a nice story. You paint a beautiful picture with your words and the flow of your essay is fine. I can point out a few things that you may want to change:

So alone, she climbed up ten flights of stairs, back and forth, to bring down as many stools from home as possible for the workers to rest on.

You could say: "So alone, she repeatedly climbed up and down ten flights of stairs, and brought down as many stools as possible from home so the workers could sit and rest."

Of course, when the girl brought backcarriedall the muddy chairs toback home, her grandmothershe was scolded her harshly by her grandmother for her stupidity.

Its right wing and foot were so tightly coiled (tied up?) with string that it causedthe bird had become deformed and had terrible wounds.

Without hesitation, she kneeled on the grass and began her procedure in treating the bird's injuries .

Having been lectured countless of times in the past, she was scolded once again by her grandmother.

Undergraduate / 'My Mom' - TX University Admissions Essay - Most Impactful Person [5]

To define the most impactful person or force in my life I initially imagined would be quite a task, since there are so many people that have had a hand in my raising.

You could say it this way:
" I initially imagined that it would be quite a task to define the person or force that made the most impact on my life."

However, after a few minutes of consideration and actually digging deeper into the meaning of 'impact in my life', I have come to the conclusion that the force must be my Mom; and she is a force to be reckoned with for sure.

This sentence is far too long, you should split into two or three shorter sentences.

Also you have a few very short paragraphs (one or two sentences) The format of your essay would look more attractive if you would consolidate them like this:

My mom is not educated beyond High School, but she's incredibly smart; my Mom has never played football, but can pick out every play from the highest stadium perch, my Mom has never jumped 14' in pole vaulting, but can coach every jump, my Mom is not a psychic, but I swear, she knows it all. When I'm down or even if something is just on my mind, she knows before I can utter a single word. I believe it to be that thing she's always warned me about, '...eyes in the back of her head...', '...she's been there and done that...', '...she can read me like a book...' and I'm sure you know the rest. How does she do it? From walking me sternly to my room when I had misbehaved or the first one in line to give me a kiss and a hug for a job well done, she has always been there for me. Encouraging me and helping me through the thick and the thin, the good times and well, the not so good, for better or for worse, she was there.

I personally believe that I wouldn't be able to do some of the things I do now without her help, positive attitude, humor and guidance. My mom is a very hard worker at both of her jobs; at home...and at her paying job! She always says 'I know you can do it', so it must be true. She believes in me more than I believe in myself some of the time and therefore inspires me to be a better person, a better son and a more dedicated student athlete every day. I cannot imagine any other mom being more loving or more caring than her. I know for a fact that she will be the reason I not only make it to college, but one of the top reasons, forces, to graduate from college and strive forward in life to keep pushing myself to my maximum potential and be successful in the future.

Your mother must be so proud of you! You have written a nice tribute to her, and it shows how your family values formed the person you are. Good luck in school :)

Writing Feedback / writing and you [2]

Writing is what we do in everyday life. In fact, we are all writers. We write basic things like listing chores, doing homework, making letters or emailing your friends. Writing is for all ages. Like the subject Math, only few people like Math the same as in writing. Not everyone of us are good in writing. But writing leads us to understand things, expands ideas, and organize our thoughts that are already in our minds. Through writing, we can connect with our environment and our daily routine. If we think critically, this would help us to be successful in college. The better we write the further we will get in a career.

Great! Some things to expand on:

Writing is for all ages
Tell the reader more about this fact- maybe state the benefits of using writing as a form of self expression, a form of catharsis, as in creative writing and poetry.

Like the subject Math, only few people like Math the same as in writing.
Not true. I would not use this as an example

Not everyone of us are good in writing.
This is stating the obvious.

If we think critically, this would help us to be successful in college.
If you say this, explain it more- and be sure to relate this notion to the idea of writing.

The better we write the further we will get in a career.
Use some examples to back up this statement because it sounds vague.

You are off to a good start, you have excellent ideas, all you need to do is build upon the facts you have stated. Choose about 3 KEY points that you'd like to make and focus on those, surrounding those points with further examples to support those points. Best of luck to you :)

Essays / I'm going to sit speaking test for muet... how to write essay effectively? [9]

One suggestion I can give about learning English-- Watch children's TV shows about reading/spelling/vocabulary. Netflix has many live streaming shows, or youtube perhaps. Some shows that seem very educational are Sesame street and Super Why (hopefully it does not sound demeaning to say this: I mean the best for you!) These shows speak slowly and in simple terms, so you would learn english by watching them. Also, if possible, listen to book-on-tape style educational language programs, Rosetta Stone is the best one but is expensive, I am sure there are ways to download stuff like that online too. In my case, I was trying to learn Spanish, so I would watch the Spanish speaking TV station, while reading the english captions so I would understand the language. Another method is immersion- the best. Again, to use myself as an example, I was in a working environment with many spanish speakers, so i payed close attention to the way they were talking, and learned to communicate by practicing with them.

If you have a specific essay that you need to work on, please post it in a new thread- we are happy to help, even if you have very little written or even just the essay question. Good luck :)

Undergraduate / 'My Mom' - TX University Admissions Essay - Most Impactful Person [5]

Great, i am glad my suggestions helped you! i like what you wrote, and I had some ideas on improving it. Try and say it like this:

So I set aside some time to ponder this remarkable question. Only a few short minutes into this self-reflecting exercise, I came to a conclusion. The guiding force is most definitely my Mom; and she is surely a force to be reckoned with!

I hope this helps :) I'm sure any college would be happy to have you as a student, good luck in school!

Undergraduate / An inspiration that led me to rethink me path-UIUC essay [2]

Hi :)

Nice job with this essay! Impressive. I can point out a few things that you may want to change:

For instance, this past winter break I was given the opportunity to participate in the Boys to Men upward program, where I worked in conjunction with several social psychologists in the research of extrinsic and intrinsic motivators and its relationship to leadership ability.

This sentence is way too long, break it up into 2-3 shorter, simpler sentences.

Specifically, this is because while the psychology program offers several great focuses, most of the specializations almost entirely revolve the humanity aspect of psychology, rather than the research aspect.

This is a KEY point that you are trying to make in this essay- and you have done that very well! This sentence needs to be slightly re-worded at the start where you say: "Specifically, this is because while the..." It sounds a little like rambling.

Therefore, I feel that UIUC appeals to me greatly because I believe that it presents a path to my goal of becoming an Industrial-Organizational Psychologist.

You are saying the right things, but it sounds "wordy" simplify to make it more concise and easier to read.

You have done a fabulous job with these things: stating your purpose for transferring without speaking negatively of your current/former school, explaining your background, laying out your short-term and long term goals, and how the college will help you achieve those goals. Excellent. Good luck in school! :)

Essays / COMMUNITY INTERPRETING IN MEDICAL CONTEXT (thesis statement?) [9]

Hi :) That is a tough subject to write about. You need to choose an argument, something you feel strongly about, and something that will have many aspects to discuss. Maybe choose something that is currently in the news, or is controversial (recently I read about the severance of the Susan G Koman and Planned Parenthood) or something that is a major issue in the medical field. Sometimes it helps to gather the information to support the argument first, then create a thesis that sums up everything that you are writing about. Then just do lots of research and use examples to back up your thesis, once it is established. Maybe you could address the issue of how so many people do not have access to health insurance? It sounds like a challenge to write on this subject, so I wish you luck! When you have anything written, even just ideas or a rough draft- post it in a new thread, there are many people who are willing to review it for you! :)

Undergraduate / 'the liberty to write a novel' - Oberlin Supplement [5]

Hi :) Nice job with your essay, your essay shows your personality well, and it is obvious how passionate you are about your school. I like the way you write, but in a few places it begins to sound too casual. Definitely try to portray yourself in the best light, which would be to write from one professional to another (admissions). So, I selected a few things that you may want to change, just suggestions.

1) (come on now, we all want to unravel the tantalizing mysteries of the female mind).

2) Having always prided myself on being a very faithful lover, I just can't see myself being cruel enough to give up on any single one of my interests in college.

3) I have been stalking the Oberlin Blogs for over a year now,

4) I think you guys would have to...

5) The place absolutely reeks of all the...

These are some things that you may want to re-examine, but alltogether you have a great essay, and I wish you the best of luck :)