This is a perfect example of bad application strategy. As an applicant to any competitive program, you have to take into account application strategy, it's more than just your grades, test scores, e.cs. In this essay, you paint a wonderful story about how you came to love music. Then at the very last paragraph you switch it to medicine. Why? Really explain why all of a sudden you want to study medicine? What happened in your life to all of a sudden push you into this? The strongest applications are the ones where a student displays a clear inclination and desire for a specific field of study. With more than 50% of pre-medicine majors leaving the major within the first two years, admissions committees will look for a stronger argument than "I know that I want to be a doctor." Strengthen this essay with other things you have done regarding medicine or stick to music. Also you do not explain any real risk or ethical dilemma that you were cognizant of. Switching from music to medicine hasn't happened yet, it is something you hope happens. -AAO
How old was this girl that she knew so much about her plight? Honestly, the story doesn't sound too believable, but in case it is, what is the significant impact that it had on your life? Did you become an anti human-trafficking champion? Did you decide to dedicate your life to saving young girls such as Alia? Understanding her struggles is ok, but where is the major impact it had on your life? -AAO
When you are applying for a PhD your letter of intent has to be research based. While your undergraduate and graduate degree may not have been research based, your PhD will be. Because of this, you have to include areas of interest. What do you want to research and how can this program help you accomplish this. So try not to beg for admissions, as you have done here, but rather display a mutual benefit for you and the university through collaboration. -AAO
you mentioned "Due to my interest in finance," "My keen interest," "Corporate this," "Corporate that," wayyyyy too much in this statement of purpose. You really need to simplify this statement and streamline it. There is way too much clutter or "noise" in this essay. For instance you write "Financial analysis requires rigorous data analysis and bearing that in mind I have decided to go for an Econometric module as well; so as to master data analysis through extensive usage of different kinds of linear regressions and the Eviews software." -- Do you really think that enhances your statement at all? LSE staff know that Financial Analysis requires rigorous data analysis. There is no need for you to remind them of this. Think of your essay as prime real estate. Every word should be impactful. Ask yourself - Does this statement bring value? If you cannot answer with a definitive YES you should remove it. As for this statement simply state a little about your background and then what you wish to gain from this program. The use the last portion of the essay to connect how LSE will help you achieve this desire. Speaking in circles (as you have done here), will only confuse the reader of this statement. Keep it clear and focused. -AAO
If you love music and play the guitar - wouldn't talking about playing the guitar be a much stronger argument since you will talk directly about something that you are passionate about? Remember, your goal is to present as strong of an application as you possibly can. -AAO
This essay is all over the place. It makes you seem really unfocused. You seem like a child in a candy story that runs from station to station and declares the candy at each station as his "Favorite." This essay may work at some non-competitive programs, but at the top programs, they want to see someone with a clear focus. You have enough "relevant" experience where they will want to see what contributions you have made. Quantify your achievements and try to connect each of your tangents in a stronger manner to wow the admissions committee. -AAO
I will be honest, this essay simply does not make sense. You seem to have strong ideas and great experience, but cannot convey them well through writing. For example... "It was my decision that to stay along with and support my financially recessed and morally depressed parents in the difficult time marked my dramatic entrance into the field of pharmacy even though I had mathematics background in post-secondary education. " - What exactly are trying to say? There is no need to use "big" words as they help you complicate what should be a simple sentence. Write clearly so that the admissions team will fully understand what you are trying to say. Focus your essay more on your research, give a full background of how it came about and how you specifically made an impact. -AAO
The prompt explicitly asked you to link your ambitions to specific resources within the College of Engineering. You didn't do that. You have so many options here but somehow managed to deliver a dull and extremely superficial essay. Try talking about your research project at the University more. How do you think your results would have been different had you had some of the resources of Cornell University at your disposal. What courses are you looking to take? Which professor would you like to assist with research and why? -AAO
This essay alone is enough to have Harvard to reject you. It is literally you just babbling without any real rhyme or reason about your trip(s). There is no depth to this essay and furthermore, you spout incorrect information such as your journey from the airport past the colosseum being a journey back 300 years in time when the Colosseum is well over 2,000 years old. These errors will demonstrate to the admissions committee that you are writing what you think they want to read and not about something you have a deep passion about. Make it really personal, talk candidly about your emotions, what you learned and took from the experience. - AAO
A unique essay. I can't say that I have read something like this one before. Aside from a few grammatical mistakes, this essay is good. The only thing that I would encourage you to do is link the dedication needed to construct an object with paper, to the dedication you will need to accomplish anything in life. We can help. - AAO
It seems like you are applying with more experience than most freshmen and this extra maturity appears to have helped you. Unlike most freshman applicants that try to use big "SAT" words to woo the admissions officers (Failing 90% of the time), you have kept this essay eloquent, involved yet simple. You have demonstrated your flexibility through your various moves, but more importantly your inclination for curiosity and exploration. This is right up Reed's alley. Great! - AAO
Amherst has used this prompt several times over the past 5-6 years. The beauty of this question is that there is no real write or wrong way to answer it. As long as you mention an obstacle that you once deemed dire, but eventually overcame - which you did, you will be accurately responding to the prompt. However, there will be at least 20 students who will write this very same experience. Not too original or unique although it uniquely happened to you. - We can help, -AAO
This prompt was in the graduate section, however, you wrote this SOP as though you were applying to an undergraduate program. There are many issues with this SOP.At the graduate level, they want to know how you will utilize the resources of the University to achieve your goals. Talking about unrelated extra-curricular activities is of little to no use to the admissions team. you will need to greatly focus this essay by talking about how you came to study MIS, what your specific areas of interests are, What you plan to do with the degree once you are done and finally how you will utilize the resources of the school to help you achieve your goals? There is no need to tell the school how great they are, actually the opposite. -We can help - AAO
What on earth? Although this is suppose to be page 87, the reader should FULLY understand what you are trying to say or the topic you are writing about. For instance, if page 87 happens to be your first week of 8th grade, the reader should fully understand this after reading the essay. After reading this, I honestly have NO idea what you are talking about. This type of ambiguity will not help the admissions committee learn anything about you and proves not an effective way to utilize a rather liberal and "free" essay topic. Just talk about something that you have a passion for like the first day you started to play the piano or your third day ice-skating, or taking the SAT. We can help -AAO
Deep thought is fine, some people believe that it helps them think creatively. However, this essay will NOT help you gain admissions to any school. When you write a statement of purpose, your goal is to present the strongest you possible, not the opposite. This essay presents a very weak student, one that is a slave to his mind and cannot control his focus. You present excuse after excuse why you cannot focus. This will not help someone gain admissions into a pre-med program, a program where deep focus and concentration will be required to be successful. -AAO
You did not answer the question correctly. What you did here was just tell a story. The purpose of this essay topic is to see how the applicant manages touch situations. You did not give the admissions committee any sense of how you are under pressure which defeats the purpose of this question entirely. -AAO
@ Anally, I have no idea what you are saying and furthermore if you wanted to be yourself, why are you asking for your essay to be critiqued here? You should just submit as is without needing feedback from anyone. @ Premed. The essay is just not good. You should never display immaturity in a college application. Colleges cannot give you medicine to control your ADD. Write about something that you have passion about such as a sport, musical instrument, travel, anything really and then talk about the enlightenment that it brings you. If you use this current essay, you will flat out tell the admissions team "I am unfocused," and I promise you, they will believe you. -AAO
This essay is all over the place. It reads more like you are talking about your extra curricular activities rather than why you are a good fit for this program. I have quite a few clients from India, and I can tell you firsthand that about 85% write an essay very similar to this one. Almost all of them submit an initial essay talking about how bad healthcare is and how they will fix it. This formula will not work as many will submit essays stating the same story. The key here will be to highlight your experience in a powerful way, a way that focuses on research and development. This is what most Bio-medical Engineering programs want. - We can help -AAO
Your essay reads more like marketing material from duke rather than an essay from an applicant for admissions...especially this part: "As the fastest growing engineering program in the United Stated, Duke University boasts a plethora of recent groundbreaking discoveries that highlight its dedication to the innovative aspect of engineering. Whether it is bioengineers finding a new mechanism to increase the tolerance of antibiotics or students working to reprogram DNS, both faculty and students make the Pratt school of engineering an environment in which one would constantly be surrounded by the innovative design that originally drew me to engineering. This culture of creation offered by Pratt does not stop at the classroom. Every year undergraduate students take part in internships made possible by Pratt's annual job fair. By offering their students the ability apply what they are learning in the classroom with a company working in the field, Pratt enables its students to design and create in a real world environment. In doing this, Pratt students also learn the constraints and realities of creativity for a practical purpose, and therefore, learn to think more innovatively and realistically. Subsequently, this new and approved approach as a result of the internship will yield better overall engineers."
You never talk about how you will utilize the resources as Duke to help YOU realize your passions and dreams. This is what you need to include. -admissions advice online
Almost Perfect.This is a great example of a concise yet powerful statement. The only thing that raises an eyebrow was when you stated "Its campus was so unorthodox." What makes it so? Try to explain a little bit of this while adding a sentence about how you will utilize the resources at NYU for a "Perfect" response. -AAO
@ Anally. Your assumptions are very wrong. What I try to do here is just guide students on how to improve "Their submitted essays," but ultimately, as you have said, the decision is theirs to make. I was an admissions officer at an Ivy League University for a few years and I can tell you that I read every type of essay. There is no norm that people must conform to. If you want to write about an off the wall topic go ahead and do so. But, as I have said, your essay should never paint you in a negative light. What Pre-med did with his/her essay was paint "himself" in a negative light. Everyone daydreams, everyone has lazy moments, but not everyone will write about that especially when applying to top programs. The point of these essays is to make yourself shine. How you do this is completely up to you. I once admitted a student that wrote a one sentence essay. He simply wrote :"I am the Sh*t and you need to admit me." I took a look at the rest of his application and he was correct and off to the admit pile his application went. My colleague also agreed and he was formally admitted. So no, there is not set conformity other than making sure you wow the admissions team. This can be done with one sentence or 10 pages, but never should you make that message to us overly negative. -AAO
Very Easily, just rearrange the words you have here. For instance instead of "My family and I visited the colleges of my interest this summer" just write:"After visiting NYU," or any variation thereof. Not the hardest thing to do. -AAO
I'll be harsh for a moment. I read your essay wanting to really love it. I really did. However, it is just really dull and underwhelming. Homeschooling is not a handicap in fact each year many home-schooled students get accepted to some of the most prestigious colleges around the World. However there is nothing fantastic about this essay. You will be competing against students who have traveled the world, invented a new type of microchip, started a business, ran for political office etc...I wanted you to elaborate on something that you have done above an beyond the call of duty, something where you exhibit some passion. As it stands right now this essay is very flat and really does not do you any favors. -AAO
You talk alot about your research past which is very good, however, you mention nothing about University X and how they will factor into your educational and career goals. I mean that's kinda the main reason why someone would write a statement of PURPOSE. -AAO
@Drs New York has long been known as the Melting Pot. The poster laid out a clear, compelling case as how he too embodies the meaning of this term as he has a wide array of experiences and interests. His eccentric and eclectic style leads him to select the Location that he feels will best suit him which is NYC which is also known for its diversity. He not only answered he prompt, he almost hit it out of the ballpark.
First, let me say, the general rule is to never go over 5-10% of the max limit. You have passed this so this will probably be flagged on your application. However, more importantly, I am a little concerned about the content. Whenever you talk about family dynamics, it forces the admissions team to become more judgmental than they really should be. While you are really proud of your mother, I am afraid that colleges might think this type of behavior is bizarre. Colleges like when students work together through good and bad situations, and they love seeing examples of this. After reading what you wrote here, it seems as though your mother chose the harder route by refusing to either come to an amicable resolution with her sister in law or by allowing the situation to deteriorate to that point. Again, admissions officers have no business in this matter, but when you specifically write about it, you force them to form an opinion as they are after all human. I would highly reconsider removing a few elements here to focus your essay solely on your mother's tenacity. -AAO
If you want to use diversity as your reason, talk about how New Haven is very close to two major diversity centers: Boston and New York, but be sure to also mention the diversity at Yale itself. This will make your essay much stronger. -AAO
Good. This is a good essay that answers the prompt, however, I am left with one question...What lessons did you actually apply? Fully flush that out as you just gloss over everything here in the essay. If you can fully connect these points - an example of an actual lesson you applied in your real life - this essay will go from good to great. -AAO
Your essay appears to have all the elements of a good essay, however, the flow is off. I also found it really hard to read it straight through - probably because of all the omissions. if you submit the full essay to me, I will be able to help you better and give you a more accurate assessment.
Much better at least now your many experiences have a decent flow. However, now you introduce another track "Behavioral Sciences" without flushing out why. What is your real ultimate goal? I still did not get a true sense of what you want to do with your degrees. Many of my former clients who I helped apply to MPH programs had a clearly defined career trajectory. Whether they were doctors and sought this degree to round out their educational experiences or worked at a local clinic, they always showed that this degree was a logical extension which strengthened their academic portfolio. It seems like you have really great experience but are not really tying that into why you need to seek this degree with this specialization at this point in your life. Do not get me wrong, this essay will probably get you accepted into several programs, however, with all of your experiences it is just not as strong as it should be. -AAO
You start out your Statement of Purpose (Motivation) strong. But it ends very weak. On the graduate level Operations Research, Operations Management and Supply Chain Management are pretty much each their own branch of engineering. Sure you can take a few classes in each, but it will not give you the level of information that you seek unless you focus on one area. To make this statement much strong you should select one and focus your essay on how the particular school can help you strengthen your skills. Also, you don't really talk about the actual resources available at the school. Sure it's a nice place to study, sure they are ranked very highly ---they already know this, no need to tell them again. We can help. - admissions advice online
Well the good news is that pretty much any type of an engineering degree can be used in Finance as Wall Street loves engineers. However, here you are really trying to mix apples and oranges. You are trying to somehow make studying communications a logical extension of studying finance. While on some levels it may be, you are not presenting a clear connection here. A better approach is really just to highlight your quantitative prowess. The Professors who read your application will be more interested in your grasp of basic issues which you seem to have. Once you do this, your reasons for wanting to switch into finance or complete a finance track will seem more clear and logical. We can help. -AAO
Did you win the scholarship with this essay? This is not a statement of purpose at all. For a decent statement of purpose you need to include several elements such as;
Your Background Educational Interests Reasons For transferring How new school can/will help you. (Specify Resources)
Depending on the competitiveness of the school, how much you write will vary. For a simple transfer to non-competitive school a 300 word SOP is fine. However for more competitive transfers, 500 words with a detailed plan is in order. -AAO
While this is a decent SOP, what you have written here is exactly what LSE does NOT want from it's Msc in finance applicants. LSE's MSc in Finance, at least the full-time program, is different than most Msc in finance at other schools in that it is geared towards students of the Arts and sciences that for one reason or another have found that a theory/applied education in finance will serve them well in the future. As it stands right now, your SOP will almost certainly disqualify you for admissions. What you have done in this essay, is exactly what many MBA applicants do which is somehow hope for a career in the "front-office" of some bank. Your SOP needs to focus on generalizing your past(not be too financially related) while building an "outside" trajectory for your future. -AAO
I only reviewed your first question "Why?." You didn't say anything about why tufts other than a late night tradition...not a sufficient enough reason to select a university. You certainly need a more substantive answer for Tufts to take your application and essays seriously. -AAO/final-check
You are applying to Johns Hopkins for bio....how many of the exact same essay responses do you think they will receive? Answer: thousands! There is absolutely nothing unique about your response here. Everyone will state the "heal the world" verbiage. You need to inject passion and resolve throughout this essay. The internship is a good start but other than that, this essay is a clear flat-line Dead on Arrival. With 100% certainty, I can state that this essay will do you no favors in terms of enhancing your chances for admissions to JHU for a major in bio. - AAO/final-check
Really well written essay. To make this essay stronger, you should try to draw a comparison between the lack of resources available at your high school to those that will be available at Cornell. So instead of just saying Cornell is great especially for engineering, talk about a specific lab there that you cannot wait to explore. We can help. - AAO/final-check
Kudos! This is a perfect example of taking a boring and overly used topic (self doubt, lack of confidence), and making it truly unique. Normally I tell clients to never point out negative aspects about themselves in an essay, but here it simply works. Really really well done and really refreshing to see a unique spin on a pretty mundane topic. - AAO/final-check
While neither of these essays are of Yale standards, the second one is at least workable. The second essay is very cluttered and is not staged for a smooth read. If you want the reader to read the entire thing, you must stage the essay so that it flows smoothly. You start the essay off well by talking about his fame, but the transition into the two examples of how to end a phone conversation jumbles the flow substantially. Try to clarify this and put more emphasis on the lesson learned and how you have applied it in real world situations. - AAO/final-check
As many here know, not only am I an Alumnus of Penn, but I also served as an admissions officer there. Because of this, I am always try to respond to Penn inquiries here. Unlike most questions asked by most top programs, there is a right answer to this question. Penn is looking for a specific answer. While I cannot tell you what that is, I can tell you that you did not respond on the level that Penn is looking for. The things that you have listed in your first essay can be found at any top undergraduate business program in the country. Why Penn? You should narrow your essay to focus on the resources that make Wharton --Wharton. - AAO/final-check
Hope this helps.
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