Unanswered [2] | Urgent [0]
  

Posts by sonya15
Joined: Oct 30, 2011
Last Post: Jun 28, 2013
Threads: 4
Posts: 29  


Displayed posts: 33
sort: Latest first   Oldest first  | 
sonya15   
Jun 28, 2013
Scholarship / MEDLIFE chapter; Pursue Your Passion Scholarship [4]

Hi, I would really appreciate any comments on this essay (content, grammar, brevity, overall answer). If you were giving away this scholarship, do you think I would be a good candidate? I will gladly check yours and provide meaningful feedback right away.
sonya15   
Jun 28, 2013
Scholarship / MEDLIFE chapter; Pursue Your Passion Scholarship [4]

Prompt: Tell us what you are passionate about learning and outline how you will spend the $1,000 helping you learn. Your learning plan can include formal education, informal education, travel, internships, books, events... whatever you believe is the best plan for the money. Be specific and may the best plan win.

I have spent the last six months establishing a MEDLIFE chapter (nonprofit that provides medical aid to South American slums) on my campus with the support of 110 motivated and passionate students who also want quality healthcare to become a basic human right. This scholarship would be used to kick-start our chapter to travel on its first "Mobile Clinic" to Ecuador this winter working alongside local doctors providing healthcare. Among other topics, we would learn about basic and advanced medical techniques, hygiene and infrastructure problems, Latin American culture and Spanish language, and communication through interacting with the community, volunteers, doctors, and chapters. I hope to pursue international healthcare policy, and gaining perspective on health disparity through this trip would be my way of most meaningfully honoring this scholarship. The money would be used in part to help fund my trip but also as an initial fund for our chapter to carry out trip fundraisers and request donations. With 110 members, this initial $1,000 would be immensely valuable as the first and most important step in grounding our new chapter.

Thank you so much for taking the time to read through this and provide your comments.
sonya15   
Feb 8, 2012
Writing Feedback / 250 Word Essay on Education Reform [2]

Hi, I would really appreciate any comments on this essay (content, grammar, brevity). The prompt is how I would improve education in my community with $5,000. I will gladly check yours and provide meaningful feedback.

With $5,000, a world of difference could be made in just one community. I come from the northernmost suburbs of Illinois, a blue-collar area in which standardized test score averages are equal to those of the state. The problem with this though, is that there are students below the average who lack a strong foundation in the basics. In addition, seventy-five percent of high school students are unprepared for college.

My plan is to set up a tutoring center at the local high school in my community. This program could offer course credit or service hours to student or adult volunteers. My agenda is to establish five main goals:

1) Strengthen writing, math, science, and technology skills.
2) Provide students with a collaborative environment to help them become active, independent learners.
3) Assist bilingual students.
4) Guide students through the college application process.
5) Inspire tutored students to volunteer their skills later on.

Tutors, selected through interviews, will be assigned to appropriate subjects and students. The $5,000 will be used to advertise and recruit for the center, through means such as flyers and newspapers. A public presentation detailing the program's progress will take place biannually. Some funds will be used in appreciation of volunteers, through recognition lunches and certificates.

Young people and adults want service opportunities to develop their skills and experiences and feel that they are making a difference. Volunteers eliminate costs to students who may be unable to afford outside help. Ideally, the community will be brought closer and students will revitalize their skills through this program.
sonya15   
Jan 3, 2012
Undergraduate / *WHO RUNS THE WORLD?* - TUFTS optional supplement essay [11]

Hi Sidharth. This is so relevant to me. It made me smile!

Two things:

1) My guess is that the admissions committee will skim this quickly. Probably because it is more factual than anything. That's great though; they ask for your nerdy side, and you do express it in a creative manner.

2) Since this is optional, I think it will add so much strength to your application. Clearly this took some thought to write, and it shows in your careful editing and rhyming. I don't see anything that I would change, except (if you have time), you may want to make it a little more "playful" if you know what I mean. This will keep the ad. com. reading every word, instead of skipping facts. This brings out even more creativity.

I love your last sentence. It makes me feel warm and mushy inside, haha.

Great job! I sincerely hope you get in. Thanks for reading mine!
sonya15   
Jan 3, 2012
Writing Feedback / Interesting essay about weird poem (my favorite anything) [6]

please read, any feedback is appreciated. I will read yours write away. This essay is about my favorite anything, so I wrote about my favorite poem.

Nearly a decade ago, I ventured upon the poem "This is Just to Say" by William Carlos Williams. At that time, my young mind took in the twenty-eight words of text in a literal sense, thinking that the poet was earnestly apologizing for eating fruits left in the refrigerator. The poem is as follows:

I have eaten
the plums
that were in
the icebox

and which
you were probably
saving
for breakfast

Forgive me
they were delicious
so sweet
and so cold

I kept the piece in my thoughts, sometimes rereading it for eccentric inspiration while writing and at other times, for a chuckle at its absurdity. The lack of punctuation was initially frustrating to me. How was one supposed to follow the author's thoughts and understand the true significance of the poem? "It's meaningless," I would sometimes say, dismissing the poem in its entirety.

In that last decade, I have gained invaluable experiences that now allow me to understand the poem in a way that relates to my life. New opportunities can be frightening, yet appealing and gratifying. The juxtaposition of the words sweet and cold seem to symbolize the plums, fruits of desire, as alluring, yet unwelcoming. These two words give the impression that the author's mind is trying to understand whether the opportunity to eat the plums is worth it. The coldness seems to represent the terrifying aspects of change or action, while the sweetness is the knowledge of how great its fruit could be. The poem now strikes my heart as a call for personal growth and self-discovery. It is the creative spark that changes the world, not the person bound by convention. "Life isn't about finding yourself, it's about creating yourself," as one playwright once said.

The poem does not give away possible meanings directly. Ten people may read it and derive ten different meanings from it. Therein lays its beauty. Each reader receives a secret message, shaped by his or her experiences and opinions. While Williams may have been frightened to seize the plums, he does so anyway. He asks for forgiveness, and he does not hide his actions. To me, these twelve lines are a call to people to live in the moment. I do not see this poem as an opportunity to commit crime or severe offense, but a declaration to yank open those closed doors in our lives.

Today, the only absurdity I find with this poem is the extent to which it can relate to the modern world. It enables the reader to sympathize with a situation in a few simple lines. The poet apologizes, but he does not regret his actions; in fact, he says that the plums were delicious. Most everyone has overcome a fearsome moment. Yet, would they not do it again for the rewards? Maybe one must eat through the coldness in order to achieve the sweetness. I have faced many situations such as these, often having to make that difficult decision. Sometimes, the chances we are given are all that they seem to be and at other times, I realize that it may be best not to pursue them. Is the fear of failure or giving in always a terrible concept? Maybe the the moments when we concede to our attractions are the moments during which we are most vibrant and alive. Maybe there should be a balance between the succulent plums and restraint, as self-control is one of the strongest traits a person can have. However, life is lived once, and plums are "delicious, so sweet and so cold."

Or maybe Williams is laughing in his grave, amused at people trying to analyze a poem so simple and logical. Quite possibly it is one of the greatest pieces of literature ever written because it represents that we as humans, try to find a deeper meaning in everything, because meaning gives us a sense of fulfillment.

Either way, Carpe diem everyone.
sonya15   
Jan 3, 2012
Undergraduate / (Nerdy myself / Bicycle together) - Tufts [4]

Great second essay. I like it. Keep it the way it is. The "Papi" kind of adds a cultural spark.

Essay number 1. Haha, I don't like this one quite as much. Couple things I would change:

1) Sounds processed. It seems as though you are regurgitating information you put in previous essays, like fostering passions in Chemistry and English. Talk about their specific programs. Tufts is pretty competitive, as I'm sure you know.

2) How much space do you have? You might want to make this essay longer.

3) You sure you want to call the school weird? haha, you might be safer with quirky :P

4) Is it really "your dream" to attend Tufts. I mean, you found out about the website today.

5) Why is the enthusiasm contagious? Expand this.

I love your username!! Pretty much my life's dream.

Hope this helps! Good luck. Mind reading mine? Thanks so much!
sonya15   
Jan 3, 2012
Undergraduate / Core program at the University of Chicago brings the undergraduates closer for a global conversation [13]

Alright two things:

One is that this sounds a little too processed. If you're going to talk about how you came up with your idea, make it sound a little smoother. For example, "in the pyramid of life, the bottom is the foundation for establishing goals and living as finishing those goals." See what I mean? Instead of saying you established a pyramid. This makes it sound much more confident and "processed" writing, if you understand what I am trying to say.

Another thing, this is pretty risky- "When people fail to complete their goals, they failed because they didn't put any effort or didn't take any chances in succeeding." I see what you are trying to say, but you make it sound completely black and white. This has a huge potential of striking the admissions committee as haughty or ignorant, two things which you do not seem to be. You might want to think about rewording this a bit.

I truly love your idea. That are potential is right between those two extremes of living and dreaming. It's a difficult concept to grasp, but I think your ideas really help shape what you are trying to say. Good read, and I think it will stick out.

Mind reading mine? Thanks :)
sonya15   
Nov 1, 2011
Undergraduate / 'one of the most multicultural schools' - University OF Michigan Supplement [2]

This is good, but talk more about why you are interested in science. Of course you want to help people, but you can help people in other ways too. Why the medical field?

Mind reading mine? It's the last comment in the thread I created.

Thanks and good luck :)
sonya15   
Nov 1, 2011
Writing Feedback / Essay about watching someone die. Odd, I know. [4]

This looks decent, and it leaves an impression. I will tell you though, that I skimmed and skipped a few sentences in the first few paragraphs when reading and went to the part in which you say he died. I read everything after that carefully, and I still got the gist of the essay. Maybe the beginning's too boring? The rest is excellent though! I don't see any grammar or spelling mistakes. There are no glaring errors here overall.

Do you have specific questions about it?

Will you read mine? The revised version I posted as a comment in my thread.

Thanks and good luck :)
sonya15   
Oct 30, 2011
Undergraduate / 'Baby, baby, baby' - Essay on self confidence - CommonApp [7]

ohh, ok

one more thing i noticed:

in front on a large number of peers, at a high school dance competition. I am a guy.

in front *of*

I'd appreciate any feedback you have time to provide for my essay :)
sonya15   
Oct 30, 2011
Undergraduate / Need advice on subject for extracurricular activity (a mentoring club) [5]

Sometimes you have to put what would look better on a college app over passion :/

Sticking with writing about debate would probably be the rest route to go. It might be risky to talk about the mentoring club.

Let me know if you want me to look at the final essay.

Would you read mine please?

Thanks and good luck :)
sonya15   
Oct 30, 2011
Undergraduate / "you can watch rated R!" - Common App Personal Statement [12]

gladjar, thank you so so so much! your comments were extremely helpful, and I'm sure I'll be able to take out at least 100 words now. I wish you the best too, and let me know if you need help with any other essays :)
sonya15   
Oct 30, 2011
Undergraduate / Common App: My Trumpet Shirley [4]

and to commit no matter what I did.

and to commit to everything I did?
Is that what you're trying to say?

Rather than attacking these notes (half-heartedly) and making it sound like a mistake

I think overall this essay works very well. I think you should talk even more about yourself specifically. I mean, you list some extracurriculars, but what if you posted an anecdote or something? That would make this even stronger.

Would you mind looking at mine?

Thanks and good luck :)
sonya15   
Oct 30, 2011
Undergraduate / 'my passion for engineering persisted' -UMD Application Essay [5]

Your essay is written so well. You have a great writing style, and everything fits together.

One suggestion I have is to say at the beginning when you are talking about you and your cousin: "As future chemical engineers"

Other than that, I see very little that needs to change. This essay really stands out to me.

Will you take a look at mine please?

Thanks so much and good luck :)
sonya15   
Oct 30, 2011
Undergraduate / 'What inspires me to become a doctor' - my interest and experience [4]

I believe becoming a doctor is the best way to make a difference in people's lives.

You definitely need to say why. This is not the best way for everyone to make a difference. Talk about why it is perfect for you. The thing is, when you write an essay like this, it's good to talk about how much you want to help people, but you also need to stress your love of science. If you don't then the admissions people will wonder why you want to be a doctor when you could help people in so many other ways.
sonya15   
Oct 30, 2011
Undergraduate / 'my personality on a hanger' - Note To Roomate [4]

This makes you seem a bit shallow and presumptuous. I think you need to focus on WHY you dress so meticulously. Talk about how it relates to other aspects of your life as well.

When I started reading this, I thought ok, this essay will soon talk about how dressing well relates to the person's life. But, it doesn't do that at all. No offense, but if I was reading this, I wouldn't be impressed because it doesn't come full circle.

I know this was super critical, but I really do like your style of writing. Just take the above comments into consideration, and I think it'll be great!

Will you read mine please?

Thanks, and good luck with Stanford :)
sonya15   
Oct 30, 2011
Undergraduate / 'a school that I can benefit from' -What can you learn & contribute to Penn Community [3]

Here would be a great time to mention any research you have done or specific research you would like to do. Btw, it should be it contains students*

What I love most about Penn is that it has so much to offer. With all that I have seen I'm know that it could be the right place for me,and I'm sure that there is still much more that I have yet to discover.

A bit generic. Try modifying this a little.

Also, add in Penn traditions! I know they have a toast-throwing ceremony or something. If you don't know of one, look it up. It will look like you did your research and are genuinely interested in taking part in all UPenn has to offer.

Will you take a look at mine?

Thanks and good luck :)
sonya15   
Oct 30, 2011
Undergraduate / 'Mexican born parents' (my world) UC personal statement [4]

Use better transitions.

Example:

Born to parents raised in Mexico, I often heard anecdotes about my parents' having to quit school at a very young age to start working in corn fields. At the age of 17, they both decided to make the long, perilous journey to the land of opportunity, the United States.

It does not suck lol. Your writing is decent, but it could be improved with a few changes :)

Will you look at mine? Thanks :)
sonya15   
Oct 30, 2011
Undergraduate / 'The land of golden opportunities' - Common App: Journey of a Lifetime [14]

Your essay is remarkable. It really shows how much you have conquered the language. You can write a lot better than people who speak English as their first language.

My parents sold our ancestral lands and personal possessions to afford the plane tickets.
They didn't sell the ancestral lands, they sold their own property.

However, I comprehended that the intolerance of teenagers in a poverty-stricken neighborhood was not the accurate representation of the sentiment of American citizens. Their hatred and ignorance motivated me to strive for knowledge.

I love these two lines. I have pretty similar ones in my essays, but yours capture what you are trying to say much more effectively.

I was a typical eleven year old boy, who was ecstatic about the idea of leaving Bangladesh and going to America.
As a typical eleven year old boy, I was ecstatic about the idea of leaving Bangladesh and going to America.

I had never imagined airplanes to be as enormous; I always thought they were perhaps the same size as they were in the night sky.

I had never imagined airplanes to be (so)enormous; I always thought they were the same size as they were in the night sky. (what a beautiful sentence)

Btw, I speak Hindi too! Thanks for your comment.
sonya15   
Oct 30, 2011
Undergraduate / "You get out what you put in" - University of Michigan, Different Communities [4]

I think you need more examples from your own personal life. Talk more about how the Russian culture and yours parents' experiences have shaped you. Since you have chosen to talk about your upbringing, it is important to be specific.

Could you take a look at mine?

Thanks and good luck :)
sonya15   
Oct 30, 2011
Undergraduate / "you can watch rated R!" - Common App Personal Statement [12]

Thanks so much for the feedback everyone! If there are any parts that seem insignificant to you, I'd really appreciate if you'd post them :)

Any other feedback is also highly appreciated!
sonya15   
Oct 30, 2011
Undergraduate / 'doing a favor for the school' - Help for Emory Supplement [3]

Ooh remember, Emory is not an IVY league.

"I couldn't help but imagine the prospect of improving my writing."

I thought of this while I was walking towards the concerts area, imagining doing a favor for the school. I sat down and relax.
Yes! I want to be an Emory Eagle.

Here's a stronger version of this:

These wise words ran through my mind as I was walking towards the concert area, imagining what I could contribute to this school. I sat down and thought, "Yes! I want to be an Emory Eagle!"

Hope this helps!

Will you read mine?

Thanks and good luck :)
sonya15   
Oct 30, 2011
Undergraduate / the "money saver" girl - Drexel application [5]

I revised some sentences that stuck out to me:

Since I was a small child, I have loved saving money given to me in my piggy-bank. People used to refer to me as the "money-saver girl".

"how banks are currently dealing with the recent situation to lower damages"

"Of all the universities in the United States, I chose to apply to Drexel University because it offers me options that suit me perfectly, such as a high quality of education, a colourful campus life and an advantageous co-op program. The co-op program is the best that I can ask for because nowadays it is very difficult to find a job without work experience, especially in big companies, and by participating in a co-op I will not only have the opportunity to gain work experience and make money to afford university but will also learn things that cannot be learned at school like the organization and work routine of a company, making my first step into the society."

Will you read mine?

Thanks and good luck :)
sonya15   
Oct 30, 2011
Undergraduate / "Dance and the Body" - University of Illinois Urbana-Champaign [3]

I really like this essay because you talk about two such varied interests, but bring them together well. You really need to make sure that your transitions between the two are smoother though.

"Dance has lead" Remember, past tense of lead is led :)

Also, your last two sentences are a bit choppy. Try to combine them.

Here's a suggestion:
At UIUC (this will be specific and concise since there are like five different U of I's) I hope to pursue my desire to study the human body, while also studying dance. Both UIUC's biology and dance (departments?) appeal to me, and I hope to have the opportunity to bring my unique personal connection to my body through dance to campus.

Will you read mine too? Thanks and good luck!
sonya15   
Oct 30, 2011
Letters / This is a Letter to my Favorite Pair of Socks. [3]

This is amazingly creative.

You don't come up to too high on my ankle, as an attempt to brag about how well you're keeping my foot warm, but you also don't slip down underneath my heel.

I love this line: I can wear you with anything. I can't wear neon green, glow-in-the-dark, ridiculously patterned socks at any given time, but you, on the other hand, can be worn whenever you're needed.

I think it would work better in your essay though if you connected it to people in general, or yourself. You seem to spend the first half talking about your socks and the rest talking about yourself. Try to mesh the two.

Would you read mine?

Thanks!
sonya15   
Oct 30, 2011
Undergraduate / 'Why so serious?' - Common App favorite quotation [4]

This is a pretty strong essay. I think you should focus on yourself more and talk more about your reaction to what happened to your friend. Did it change you at all?

[I asked her about what happened three years ago with curiosity because she seemed to forget about it. "Oh, I was just being stupid." She answered lightheartedly with a brilliant smile as if nothing had happened.]

^ I'm a little confused after reading this part. It fits in with your essay, but it doesn't make sense since we don't know the back story. Add more detail here or delete this part. I think what you were trying to say was that she was suicidal three years ago, and today she is not. You have to indicate that though, because the jump in time isn't easy to follow.

Other than that it seems fine. I would change the organization a bit to make it more fluid.

Would you read mine please?

Thanks!
sonya15   
Oct 30, 2011
Undergraduate / "you can watch rated R!" - Common App Personal Statement [12]

Hi, this is 750 words and the essay is supposed to be ~500. I would really appreciate any feedback at all before November 1st. It's my first time posting on this site I just wanted some advice on parts that seem insignificant and if this gives a strong representation of the person I am. Again, thank you so much!

(Basically I wrote about a topic of my choice for this essay. I'm not really sure what the prompt would be.)

Common App: Personal Statement

Staying Golden

I come from a modest family with modest values. My parents' trust in me often made me think twice before making decisions. The fact that they rarely doubted my judgment was almost a burden that I tried my best to uphold. My classmates were generally hesitant to socialize with me after I declined several situations that tested these values. This coupled with my introverted nature often made me feel lonely, and I buried myself in books, sacrificing friendships. Adults would frequently compliment me on my mature behavior. However, I was just a child, and I wanted to have friends who shared my thoughts and interests. I often felt there was no place outside of home I could feel comfortable.

Maybe I was one of the few five-year olds that had my own personal Jiminy Cricket perched on my shoulder, constantly asking me if I was making the right choice. A few years ago, I'd ask my mom if I would ever make lifelong friendships. By listening to her advice to "come out of my shell," I slowly poked my head out in my adolescent years and found that it just takes openness and a desire to find common ground to try to connect to anyone. I also realized that something positive can be found in any situation.

Since the day I stepped into high school, I have been the thoroughly happy person I am today. I worried all morning the first day about who I would eat lunch with, and I was thrilled when a few girls in some of my classes asked me to sit with them. I realized that things were changing. What changed is that the people I met affirmed the belief I had that it is not the clothes or shoes that make a person, but his or her passions and values that do. By genuinely accepting me, my friends gave me a lasting sense of confidence, and I felt at ease for the first time.

Today, the self-assurance and openness I developed is reflected in my wonderful relationships with my peers, teachers, and other influential people in my life. In hindsight, I see that a combination of my small-town upbringing and undeveloped social skills contributed to my feelings of anguish. I realized that my eighth grade graduating class of fifty-three was just a tiny portion of the world. After three years of high school, I developed my people skills, and I am proud to say that I never once doubted my core values.

In these last few years, I have learned how to build relationships, and most importantly, how to be happy. At school, I live with five people that I now cannot imagine my life without. I am more open and willing to place myself in new and challenging situations. Next week, I look forward to dancing before an audience of 300 in a Diwali cultural performance. I have become a leader in many contexts: in clubs, at home, and in my relationships.

As Johnny, a character from the novel Outsiders by S.E. Hinton advised his friend, I have stayed golden to myself while achieving a balance between my inner conscience and the outside world, a world that doesn't seem so distant anymore.