Undergraduate / 'building the life skills and a work ethic' - Why Harvey Mudd [2]

Could I get suggestions/advice for this essay? Thanks!
Prompt: What influenced you to apply to Harvey Mudd College? What about the HMC curriculum and community appeals to you?

While growing up, I have been in both large public schools and small private schools. Although there were a few advantages to attending a large school, I realized that the close, tightly knit community that was found in smaller schools was what I wanted. I really appreciate the fact that Harvey Mudd offers such an excellent school setting for its size. I know that because of this small size, I will get to know each of my professors and other students on a level that I would not be able to compare with at any other school. Not only that, but an entire school filled with the same passions that I have for math and science will make my education at Harvey Mudd an amazing experience.

In my eagerness to learn more about what an education at Harvey Mudd can provide for me, I visited Harvey Mudd during the Discovery Day. The more classrooms and laboratories I walked through, the more I fell in love with the school. Before attending the Discovery Day, I had the belief that because Harvey Mudd is a smaller school, then it would not be able to offer as much. On the contrary, I discovered that Harvey Mudd offers so much more. The opportunities Harvey Mudd provides through the amount of classes, clubs, and activities is limitless. When I found out how all five of the Claremont Colleges work together, I was confident that there was nothing that a large university could offer me that Harvey Mudd and the other Claremont Colleges could not. During the time I was there, I was amazed by how much time the professors have for the students. At most other schools, the professors are too busy with research or so focused on graduate students. At Harvey Mudd, I can get the face to face interactions with well-respected professors that I would not be able to receive anywhere else.

When I learned about Core Curriculum, I realized I will not be lacking in any of education from the wide variety of classes that are required. My interest in math and science has been profound, and I want to develop that using the tools that Harvey Mudd will provide me with.

As I grow older, I have realized that life is not centered around just going through college and getting my degree, but rather that it is about building the life skills and a work ethic that will impact me for the rest of my life. After coming out of Harvey Mudd, I will be a much stronger problem solver, have many many people in my life that I can rely on, and help others with the skills I develop. While I am searching for my lifelong career, Harvey Mudd will provide me with the greatest opportunities for a better life.

Undergraduate / 'The Magic in Psychology' - Stanford Intellectual Vitality [7]

Can I get comments/advice on this essay? Thanks!
Prompt: Stanford students possess intellectual vitality. Reflect on an idea or experience that has been important to your intellectual development.

As a child, I have always been fascinated by magic tricks. Whenever I watch a magician perform, his tricks leave an imprint that remains in my mind for hours. How did he make that card disappear? Where did that second coin appear from? These questions never ceased to plague me after leaving a magic show.

Seeing how magicians had the ability to provoke the audience's amusement and curiosity sparked my own interest in magic tricks. After buying a few kits and reading online tutorials, I started practicing my own tricks and performed in front of my family and friends. While some were fairly straightforward, I did not fully understand why others worked.

One day in my psychology class, Mrs. Hewitt played a clip. She told us to count how many times the people in white jerseys pass to the people in black jerseys. At the end of the clip, I felt confident that I knew the answer. "How many of you noticed the gorilla walk into the middle of the screen?", she asked. I was stunned. There was no way that a gorilla could have walked in the middle of the screen without me noticing. After replaying the video, the entire class was in disbelief after not having noticed the gorilla the first time. "Humans have a selective attention," Mrs. Hewitt explained. "We only focus our awareness on a limited aspect of all that we experience."

Suddenly it started to make sense. The reason why that magician was able to make that second coin appear in his left hand was because he took advantage of human psychology. The more I thought about it, the more I realized how much many magic tricks relied on the blind spots of the human brain. As I learned more psychology, I understood connections between things such as perceptual organization and magic tricks. For the same reason that I loved magic tricks, I loved psychology. I realized that in order to be a successful magician, one must exploit the efficiencies of the mind. Learning psychology has not only allowed me to understand the intricacies of the human brain, but has also made performing magic tricks much more real to me.

Undergraduate / A Miracle Baby - Common App Essay [6]

Could I get advice/suggestions for this essay? Thanks!
Prompt: Evaluate a significant experience, achievement, risk you have taken, or ethical dilemma you have faced and its impact on you.

My parents always referred to me as a "miracle baby". That name always confused me. I was no miracle baby. If anything, having a medical condition for my entire life would disqualify me from such a title.

A month after I was born, I was diagnosed with hydrocephalus, a condition in which an abnormal accumulation of cerebrospinal fluid collects in a person's head and does not properly drain out. As the years passed, my life was woven with seemingly endless periods of headache and nausea, countless visits to the hospital, and several surgeries. Every time my shunt was dislocated or infected, I would cry in pain and question the name "miracle baby".

One day while lying in a hospital bed awaiting the results of a CT scan, I saw a boy who also had hydrocephalus lying in the bed next to mine. When I looked at him, I was astonished by the profound sadness on his face. In my mind he was only a young boy. There was no way he could have been through as much as I have. My curiosity aroused, I made an effort to converse with his mother. What she told me made me speechless. The boy had been through almost three times as many operations as I had. I thought about all of the pain that I endured over the course of my life and tried to imagine what it would be like if I had gone through three times as much.

Suddenly, I felt ashamed at myself. Up until that day I had been only thinking about myself. For some reason, I never bothered to wonder what life would be like through the eyes of a person like that boy. How could I hate my life when I was so blessed? My perspective on the quality of my life was always condescending until that day. I would always compare my life with those that never had to feel the pain that I have felt. Yet after that day, I started examining the lives of those who must have endured much more than I. I thought about the boy and thousands of others like him who have had much more trouble dealing with hydrocephalus. I thought about the millions of people around the world who had to live without a home, parent, or food. Laying in the hospital bed, I realized my selfishness and cried silently to myself.

Ever since that day, I gradually began seeing hydrocephalus as a blessing rather than a curse. Having hydrocephalus has taught me to appreciate the small things in life. At first I assumed that the name "miracle baby" had to do with surviving the initial surgeries as a baby without any major brain damage. Yet after my experience at the hospital, I realized that my parents may have meant it differently. Maybe I was a miracle baby not because I survived through having hydrocephalus, but rather because I live with hydrocephalus. Without hydrocephalus, I would not be the person I am today.

Undergraduate / 'experiences at the orphanage' - Common App Extracurricular [6]

Could I get advice/suggestions for this essay? Thanks!

I could remember it for the mouth-watering tacos or even for the two hours that I patiently endure in the car for an hour. Yet what resonates in my mind whenever I think about my monthly trips to an orphanage in Mexico most strongly are the children. Learning the names of 120 people may be a challenging thing to do, but remembering the names of the 120 children at the orphanage is incredibly simple when you get to personally know each and every one of them. My experiences at the orphanage have taught me that sometimes it takes something powerful for someone to take pleasure in the simple things in life. Just as living with hydrocephalus has taught me how to put physical pain into perspective, living at an orphanage has taught the children the importance of relationships. The desire to learn this love that the children share with one another is what brings me back every month. Whether it arises from helping prepare a meal or simply playing hide-and-seek with them, the joy that can be seen on the children's faces is a beautiful sight. As clichï as it sounds, I truly receive so much more than what I give to the children.

Undergraduate / A Bold but Quick Move - Stanford Intellectual Vitality Supplement Essay [3]

Could I get advice/suggestions on this essay? I'm about 480 characters above the limit, so I need to find something to cut. Thanks!
Prompt:Stanford students possess intellectual vitality. Reflect on an idea or experience that has been important to your intellectual development.

"It's your turn."

My closest cousins had become my arch enemies in a world war being fought with tiny figurines of soldiers, horses, and cannons. We were playing the board game Risk. The object of the game was to conquer other territories with the armies given to us.

I wracked my brain trying to figure out where to move next. Winning battles required planning carefully and making quick but bold decisions. While growing up, this was a difficult concept for me to grasp. I never enjoyed taking risks because I was always afraid of the outcome. For many people, making decisions came naturally. Yet for me making a decision was never an easy thing for me to do. What if my friends think poorly about me? What if no one enjoys my act in the talent show? My fear was that if the decision went badly, then I would forever live with the consequences.

Then I thought about my parents and the decisions that they have made. When my father closed down his business, he chose to involve himself in real estate, a field that was dying. The decision he made was quick but bold. In the end, my father came out of real estate having almost putting our family into bankruptcy. Yet he kept both feet on the ground and continued making his decisions boldly. He eventually became a manager in another business, and our family prospered financially. Despite the fact that things did not turn out the way my father had hoped, he knew that that one decision was not the end of it all. In the same way, I realized that I did not have to put so much emphasis upon my decisions. Life was not determined by the outcome of a single decision, but rather what I chose to make out of the results.

The more I thought about it, the more I realized that in Risk, there is never one perfect move. Victory is only achieved through the cumulative outcome of every decision made in the game. Sometimes making decisions for me may feel like challenging a territory containing a larger army than mine. It feels like life is hinged upon that decision and the consequences that follow. But instead of attempting to create the perfect outcome from a single decision, I should focus on making my decisions boldly knowing that regardless of the outcome, a single decision alone cannot determine who I am. Even when the odds are against me, it is up to me to take the risks necessary to achieve my goal.

My cousins were staring at me, and I realized they were waiting for me to finish. With a new-found confidence, I made my move.

Undergraduate / 'never made it to the finals round' - What Matters to you and Why? - Stanford [9]

Could I get advice/suggestions for this essay? Thanks!

In the 1968 Summer Olympics, John Stephen Akhwari represented Tanzania in the marathon. At the start of the race Akhwari fell, creating a severe cut on his knee and dislocating the joint. He continued running and finished last among 57 other runners. When asked why he did not stop, he replied, "My country did not send me 10,000 miles just to start the race; they sent me to finish the race."

One of the results of my hydrocephalus was an extremely tight muscle in my left leg, causing me to walk with a severe limp. Even after enduring casts, leg braces, Botox shots, and acupuncture, my orthopedic doctor told me that I would never be able to walk normally. As I grew older, I was dismayed to learn that my hydrocephalus and leg condition prevented me from participating in most sports. Nevertheless, I told myself that I would not be limited by what I could not do. A part of me did not want to settle for the outcome predicted by a doctor's diagnosis. I shared this passion with my parents and they agreed to sign me up for Tae Kwon Do. The challenges that I faced in Tae Kwon Do with my leg condition were immense. Because I could not kick properly, I constantly felt like I was behind the rest of the class. For five years I struggled, but my leg gradually grew stronger. I entered many sparring competitions, and finally earned my black belt degree. In my sophomore year of high school, I joined the cross country team with the same desire to change the person I was destined to become. Again, I started at the rear of the pack, and even was questioned by my coach whether I really wanted to run in Cross Country. Yet I never gave up and participated in every single race.

I never made it to the finals round in any of my sparring competitions, nor did I place first in any of my races. Yet my severe limp disappeared, and I came out of Tae Kwon Do and Cross Country having learned that I should not settle for simply starting the race. Achieving success is important. But what far outweighs success in my eyes is knowing that despite the odds that are against me, I can still finish the race knowing that I gave my all.

Undergraduate / A Magical Encounter - Stanford Roomate Essay [4]

Can I get advice/suggestions for my roommate essay? Do I not describe myself enough? Thanks!

Dear roommate,
As you enter the dorm please don't be alarmed at the cards, cups, cloths, and other miscellaneous objects scattered around the room. No, the rubber snake will not harm you, nor will a rabbit pop out of my hat without my consent. If you haven't already guessed, I have an obsession for magic tricks. I am also sorry to mention that the saying "a magician never reveals his secrets" still applies, even for roommates. Perhaps if you spend enough time watching me practice or even agree to be my assistant in future performances, you may happen to discover exactly how I made that quarter magically appear from behind your ear.

As my association with magic tricks implies, I live off of the enjoyment of others. The amazement I see in a person's eyes from showing them something profound is invigorating. Whether it's from telling them one of the hundreds of jokes I have stored in my memory or from playing a catchy song on my guitar, my pleasure is derived from discovering what makes each person smile. In order to learn more about the people I am with, I listen. I listen to their idle conversation and to their life story; to what is important and what is unimportant in their eyes; and to what they say and what they have not said. When we meet I will listen to you and either learn what jokes and tricks make you smile or whether or not you like jokes at all.

By the way, you may be shocked when you meet me. Well of course from the shock gum I that I will offer you, but also from the fact that although I am a ravenous eater, my body does not show it. When you put a rapid metabolism and excessive exercise together, you get a thin Korean boy who could not gain any weight, no matter how hard he tried. But put a Philly cheesesteak in front of me and it will be gone just as fast as I can make a quarter disappear. So if you notice that the turkey sandwich that you left on your desk has vanished, you better hope it's somewhere in my sleeves rather than inside my stomach!

I can't wait till we meet,
-Tim

Undergraduate / Priceless Memories - Pomona Supplement Essay [5]

Could I get advice/suggestions about this essay? Also, I'm not sure if the admissions officers will understand the change in present tense to past, then present again. Should I leave that part out?

Prompt: Although it may appear to the contrary, we do know that people have a life beyond what they do to get into college. Tell us about an experience you've had outside of your formal classroom and extracurricular activities that was just plain fun and why.

I walk upstairs into my bedroom and sat down at my desk. From one of the shelves I pull out a thin sheet of paper and began to fold it. Starting from one corner, I fold it downward, then again, so that one corner of the paper. As I work on the old the paper, memories from my childhood flood into my mind.

When we were young, my cousins and I spent a large amount of time together because we all lived so close to each other. Each day that we spent together we thought of a game or activity that we believed would be fun. From making forts and obstacle courses out of blankets and pillows to playing Jeopardy using paper and tape, my cousins and I engaged in countless activities that allowed us to express our energetic and creative personalities. It amazes me to realize that although the things we did seem very childish now, they enabled my us to build deep, lifelong bonds with one another.

Of the many activities my cousins and I engaged in, one of them involved us pretending to wage war against one another. After dividing ourselves into two teams, we hid in our respective bases making swords, clubs, shields, and other equipment out of the giant stack of scratch paper that my dad let us use. When we felt that both teams had been given a sufficient amount of time, we met in an open area and bashed each other on the arms and legs with our makeshift swords and spears. We were old enough to know our limits when attacking each other, but still too young to realize that what we were doing was considered immature. Through this activity, my cousins and I were able to express our creativity in the weapons we forged and prove which one of us was was the toughest through the bruises we endured.

Another activity my cousins and I use to play was hosting carnivals. We all thought of our own unique games and made booths for each game. Using fake money, we would walk to each others' booths and play that person's game. Whoever ended up with the most money determined which games were the most entertaining to play and which person was the most creative. At first the games started off simple, such as a ring toss using plastic bottles and rings made out of paper. Yet as we began to see what attracted others best, we developed more intricate games like skee ball using the stairs, blankets, and a softball. Making the games was fun, but sharing ideas and enjoyable moments with one another was much more meaningful.

Although my cousins and I are older and more mature now, we still share the same relationship with each other that we shared in the past. Whenever we play a board game or simply sit down and talk with one another, we still experience the same emotions that we experienced with each other in the past. Through my relationship with my cousins, I have learned that the bond I share with other people is more valuable than the activities themselves.

My hand moves over and pulls the outer flap of the paper in towards the middle as I finish what I have been making. I smile and gaze at the paper dagger I made. Although I know I would not be using it, I leave it on my desk as a reminder of all the enjoyable memories and the priceless bond that my cousins and I share.

Undergraduate / What I did for just plain fun - Pomona Supplement [5]

Could i please get advice/suggestions for this essay? Is it too long? Thanks!
Although it may appear to the contrary, we do know that people have a life beyond what they do to get into college. Tell us about an experience you've had outside of your formal classroom and extracurricular activities that was just plain fun and why

I never understood why people enjoyed riding roller coasters so much. The dizzying headaches and nausea that accompanied the intense speeds and drops of a roller coaster never really appealed to me. I tried to avoid going to amusement parks as much as possible, so that my friends would not pressure me onto one of those terrifying vehicles.

Last summer, I went beach camping with my family and some friends. We spent day after day, boogie-boarding on the foamy waves, making giant sand castles, and even just laying in the warm sun. One day, while my friends and I were burying someone that was laying on their back, an idea popped into my head. "You're crazy", said my friends as I explained my brilliant idea to them. Nevertheless, they agreed to my crazy idea and we began the digging operation that all we knew would take the better part of the day.

Shovel after shovel submerged itself into the ground as all of us worked tirelessly to dig a hole at least four feet deep and five feet wide. The process took so long that we took turns taking breaks catching a few waves on our boogie-boards. The sun radiated intensely, and our backs turned a slight shade of red because we forgot to reapply our sunscreen. As we dug deeper and deeper, it became harder for everyone to dig in the same spot at the same time, so our progress gradually slowed. We had dug so deep that water emerged from the sand we dug. Finally, as the sun was starting to set, the chasm we had created was deep enough for two people to be buried neck deep standing straight up.

The danger of this prospect never crossed my mind as my friend and I stepped into the hole. As anticipation and excitement welled up inside of me, I abandoned any thoughts about being able to escape and curled myself in a ball with my hands below the rest of my body, thinking that I would be the most comfortable in that position. Across from me, my friend bent his knees slightly, but otherwise remained standing. He looked at me questioningly as if something were wrong with my position but did not say anything.

"All right, we're ready", I told the rest of my friends standing outside of the hole. All at once they began shoveling mound after mound of sand back into the hole. I watched with a pang of regret as I watched our day's work undo itself. My body grew heavier and heavier as sand closed in between the gaps between my arms and legs. My movement and breath became restrained. As soon as the sand was up to my neck, they stopped. For several moments, I remained in that position, feeling accomplished at having achieved my goal.

Eventually I felt the muscles in my arm grow tense and attempted to move it before remembering that the sand would not allow me to. I told my friends to help unbury me. The process went slowly, and other parts of my body joined my aching arm. Suddenly, a sense of panic sparked in my mind as it dawned on me how difficult it would be for me to escape my self-imposed prison. Claustrophobia had been an abstract concept to me until that very moment. The feeling of helplessness and entrapment drove me crazy, and I began to yell. Alarmed at my sudden outburst, my friends started digging faster. My body began to burn as sandy hands and shovels scraped against my skin. My friend who was trapped with me was able to free himself because his position did not restrict him the way my position did. For half an hour, every muscle in my body tensed as I fought to free myself and ease the tension in my muscles.

Just when I felt my body could handle no more, I felt one arm free itself, then another, and another. A wave of relief washed over me like the waves I encountered in the ocean. My friends asked me if I was alright with concern in their voices. The more I talked about my experience to others, the more I realized I must have overreacted and wanted to try it again. The adrenaline rush that came with the panic was exhilarating. I finally understood what people felt when riding roller coasters. Although I told myself I would never do something like that again, every time I think back to that moment the biggest thing that I remember is the excitement I felt from a near-death experience.

Undergraduate / Acting on an Animal Instinct - Common App Essay [2]

Through the tinted window of my backyard, I watched my two beautiful white Japanese Akitas, Shiro and Kira, lie on the brick-tiled floor staring back at me with curious, round eyes. "Dad, why did you separate them?" I asked after taking note of the unfamiliar fence that was placed in between them. "Kira is pregnant, so they need to get accustomed to the separation," my father replied. He explained to me how after a dog gives birth, she needs to be alone with her puppies for the first several weeks. "If Shiro is poking around, Kira might kill them out of anxiety. It's an animal instinct." I couldn't believe what I had just heard. How could a dog murder her own puppies?

The following week, as I walked by the living room where my mom was watching television, I heard the news reporter mention, "After shooting the rest of his family, this man committed suicide." Hearing this made me stop in my tracks. The man was already struggling financially and had a deteriorating marriage when he lost his job. Out of his own fear and desperation, he murdered his family and himself. But how could any human even consider doing such a thing? Do humans have an "animal instinct" that they act upon?

Still in a state of shock, I thought what it would have been like if my own parents acted upon their own animal instinct. How did they feel when they found out that I was diagnosed with hydrocephalus a month after my birth? That I would have to undergo a countless amount of surgeries with the possibility of growing up with mental disabilities? When they lost their jobs and home and had to move in with my grandparents?

If anyone, I thought my parents had the greatest reason to act upon an animal instinct. They could have given up on me as soon as they heard the diagnosis. They could have given up on trying to provide for the rest of our family after losing their jobs. But I saw something in them that I didn't see in anyone else. They had an unwavering perseverance that carried them through every circumstance. And I realized that through all of the emotional and financial struggles that my parents endured, they still loved me and took care of me regardless of the situation. Despite my medical condition and the possibility of me growing up with brain damage, my parents still saw me as a perfect child.

Seventeen years after my birth, my parents' hope in me and in their own life has taught me how to look at problems and challenges positively. Even in times of fear and desperation, I have learned to never give up on anything. The determination and perseverance that my parents displayed in their lives has become my own. Whenever I feel afraid or hopeless, I just think about all of the courage, love, and faith that my parents put in me, and I see how incredibly simple it is to disregard any thoughts of having an "animal instinct".

Any comments/advice would be greatly appreciated!