Undergraduate / 'Cape Cod Sea Camps' - Summer Camp Essay [7]

Overall a very strong essay. The second half isn't quite as compelling as the first half, though, mostly because you stop showing and start telling, which isn't anywhere near as interesting to read. If word count isn't an issue, you might consider adding another anecdote or two for balance. Otherwise, perhaps you could combine the last three paragraphs into one, cutting out anything that isn't strictly necessary.

Essays / Question on "additional infomation" on essay application [12]

A humorous essay, if done well, would be appropriate. A narrative essay that tells the reviewers something personal about you would work too. I'd avoid the conversational tone you mention though, as that tends to be wordy, something you can ill afford in most application essays, which usually have limited word counts.

Undergraduate / Common Application Personal Essay - Influence of my mother [4]

All of your sentences are roughly the same length and use roughly the same structure, especially in the body paragraphs. This makes the essay sound more simplistic than it actually is. So, I'd suggest you revise this draft to eliminate that problem, mostly by combining some of the sentences, then post the revised draft for review. If you do that, don't forget that your goal is to have varied sentence lengths and structures -- don't simply combine every set of two sentences so that you have all long ones.

Book Reports / "Women like us." - Thousand Splendid Suns essays.. [3]

An introduction should contain a thesis statement. What is yours? The closest you seem to get is "Every thing that happens in her life is interpreted by this quote that her mother Nana, tells her." But that doesn't have anything to do with Laila, which is what you spend the rest of the introduction talking about. You mention that the two characters have similarities and differences, and you preview them, which is good, but you don't have a strong reason for doing so (in the context of the essay, I mean. The fact that the prompt asks you to do it is a good reason for including the material otherwise). I'd try to come up with a statement that clearly expresses how Mariam and Laila's relationship connects to the idea of women enduring, then revise your introduction so that everything ties back in some way to that statement.

Writing Feedback / "A Heart's Ruin" - Romeo and Juliet Essay [3]

A lot of the introduction seems unnecessary. Do you really need to talk about how Romeo and Juliet is world famous, or much-loved, for instance.

"out-thinking mind" Who or what are you out-thinking, exactly?

It seems a bit unfair to criticize Romeo for both trying to stop a fight and for fighting himself. Surely one or the other was the right course of action. Perhaps his mistake lay in switching so rapidly from one position to the other without reflection.

"It is not saying that Romeo drops one love for another" Yes, it is. And why not? That is exactly what Romeo does, after all.

You mention, in both the second and fourth paragraphs, that Tybalt is related to Romeo through marriage. You might want to mention at some point that Tybalt does not know this, because Romeo and Juliet keep their marriage a secret. This is a large part of the reason that Tybalt remains an enemy -- while Romeo has every reason to hold Tybalt as a kinsman, Tybalt has no reason not to view Romeo as just another pesky Montague. One of Romeo's major flaws is that he doesn't really seem to be aware of this. He knows superficially that Tybalt doesn't know why Romeo should like him -- Romeo says as much -- but it never seems to occur to him that Tybalt's feelings towards him will remain the same. In fact, throughout the play, he is so self-absorbed that he is oblivious to everything else that is going on around him.

In general, you might want to tie Romeo's flaws together. Can his weakness for love be seen as reason for his poor decision-making, or vice versa. Do either of these influence his choice of timing .

Undergraduate / Blindsided- "Syracuse University essay" admission essay question. [4]

I'd combine the first two sentences into one.

I like the repetition you used with "Every Saturday . . ."

I don't know that I'd bring God (or his absence) into it at the end, given that this is an university application essay, though there is nothing objectively wrong with it.

Undergraduate / Common App Essay - General Feedback "My first intuition with this essay..." [3]

Overall, this is a very strong narrative essay. A couple of things stand out as areas for possible improvement though:

"My first intention . . . I was going to focus on . . ." This seems unnecessary, as it implies that the essay will be on another topic, but in fact the essay does actually focus on the mother and her impact on the author's life.

"The mess, the chaos and confusion which began February of 2007 when my mother found herself a new man, never a good thing as her constant poor taste and decisions, effected mostly the men who she chose to be with, all of whom harbored an untold volatile rage, a hate, often exploding in mere seconds, spewing venomous words at me, or swinging their fists around hoping to catch one of my brothers." Lots of gritty, realistic detail in this collection of words. I say collection of words, because it is not actually a complete sentence. It is not even the sort of sentence fragment one might use for dramatic effect. It's just . . . a collection of words. There are several ways you might rewrite this, depending upon your stylistic preferences. For instance, you might try "This mess, the chaos and confusion, had begun on February of 2007 when my mother found herself a new man, never a good thing given her track-record of poor taste and bad decisions, a track record evidenced mostly by the fact that all of her boyfriends seemed to harbor an untold volatile rage, a hate that often exploded within seconds of their entering the house, as they spewed venomous words at me, or started swinging their fists around hoping to catch one of my brothers." You can probably revise it further to make it even better, but this gives you a grammatically correct sentence to work with.

Writing Feedback / TOEFL: If you could invent sth new, what product would you develop? [3]

You have chosen an interesting and imaginative invention to use as the focus of your essay. However, you need to clarity your explanation a bit for the essay to be truly effective. You should also revise throughout for diction.

For instance, you wrote: "Many companies nowadys poster million dollar rewards for alternative effective energy sources. however i will resist the temptation because mine device in the long term will dissolve this issue." First, the correct word here is "resolve" rather than "dissolve." Second, nothing in your essay supports the conclusion that your invention will resolve the need for alternative fuel sources. In fact, you don't mention alternative fuel sources again in the entire essay.

"find refuge to" should be "find refuge in."

"imaginary." That's the wrong word here. The person will presumably seek actual revenge for imaginary wrongs. Specifically, he or she will presumably seek revenge for wrongs that are rooted in the gap between the way things are and the way the person incorrectly imagines them to be.

"afford" isn't the right word here. You can either go with "we can't afford to be unconscious" or "it doesn't benefit us to be unconscious."

After this point, your essay consists of a very general description of what your device will do. I would rewrite the second half to consist of more specific examples of how it would work. So, instead of talking about emotions, talk about anger, hate, love, or some specific emotion. Instead of talking only about external or internal stimuli, give examples of specific stimuli, and so on.

Undergraduate / 'Football player with good grades' - Common App short answer- extracurricular [6]

Try combining sentences to get a smoother style. Also, try reworking some of the sentences so that they don't all begin with either "I" or "My."

For example, you could start out by rewriting the first part of your essay thusly: I participate in many extracurricular activities, but the one I enjoy the most is football. I am a four year starter at Saint Francis Preparatory School as a running back. As a student-athlete, I often had to set my own goals .

The phrase "four year starter" is confusing. Do you mean that you played as the starting running back for four years, or that you are currently in fourth year, and are a running back? Revise for clarity.

"My school year consists of hard work all year and minimum amounts of free time" What does this have to do with football, or your participation in it? Did you become a football player to avoid having free time? Do you resent the fact that you were in so many activities that you had so little free time? Did you consider football as something fun that you did in time that you considered free? This is a problem with the rest of the essay too; your ideas are only loosely connected. The others are at least clearly related to the topic, but the transitions from one idea to the next are rough. Try smoothing them out in the next draft.

Undergraduate / Columbia short answers; most appealing thing/ why the study of engineering [4]

Here are some quick thoughts on how you could improve the essay:

Change all instances of "the" to "its" in the first sentence.

Revise "I am a person who is a researcher, scrutinizer and prolific." The phrase "a person" is unnecessary, and the list violates rules of parallel structure. Consider "I am a prolific researcher" instead.

"figured" sounds a bit informal. Replace with "believe" or some such.

"These skills will make solving problems easier and force me to use my brain in my life." Again, a bit informal. Try "These skills will make solving problems easier and help me become a more thoughtful individual."

"Through search, I realized that Industrial Engineering is the ideal field for me." Consider "After a long time spent reviewing my options, I realized that Industrial Engineering was my ideal field."

"It involves both manufacturing and supervising and also a prevalent and promising major" The second part of this sentence needs rewriting. Or possibly simply deleting.

Undergraduate / Health Care; UM / Issue of Importance(personal, national, international) [4]

This is an extremely well-written essay that directly address the topic. You might want to use a few less cliches, though. So, get rid of phrases such as money does not grow on trees," and "love in our hearts." The rest of your writing is good enough that you can undoubtedly think of original ways to express those ideas with a bit of effort.

Also, a point of logic: "And how can we pursue happiness realizing that capable, life-saving, healthcare providers are inaccessible to us due to lack of insurance or money in our pockets?" Quite easily, actually. You can pursue happiness under just about any circumstances. Whether or not you can attain happiness is a different matter. For this sort of essay, though, I doubt your audience will care about the distinction.

Writing Feedback / "Scientific Creativolution: Are Evolution and Creation Sciences?" [10]

If you are worried about the length, break it into sections and post each one as a separate message. That way, you can get feedback about each part of your essay.

Undergraduate / "My dream remains" an extra special essay for applyiing to the university [2]

The content and structure of this essay is very good. The diction and grammar are decent, but could use improvement in places. For instance:

Replace "pleasure to see" in the fourth paragraph with "pleasure of seeing"

"Besides possessing qualifications, I am also a perfectionist and a very determinate person." "Determinate" is the wrong word here. Perhaps you mean "determined?" Also, I'd suggest modifying the beginning to "possessing these qualifications" to connect the sentence more clearly to the previous one.

Instead of "I volunteered to help children who suffer this type of deficiency" try "I volunteered to help children who suffer from these sorts of learning disorders."

"I watched myself diving to a new world of information and my enthusiasm for this field has kept me curious." Again, "curious" isn't really quite right in this context. You could try saying that "my enthusiasm for this field has never waned." Or some such construction.

Overall, an excellent and inspirational essay.

Undergraduate / THINK BIG; "Dr. Ben Carson, a world-renowned neurosurgeon " - Character in fiction [3]

Good job overall. A few points of grammar and style:

"Math was not a subject in which I was not the best in because I realized I did not apply myself to it." Eliminate the double negative. Better yet, try revising the sentence to avoid using the word "not" altogether.

"felt the feeling . . ." Well, yes, one normally feels feelings. Try to avoid repeating similar words too close together. Revise to "felt the same sense of accomplishment . . ."

"I had always promised myself that before I graduated I would be on first honors which means a 90 grade point average."

"taking a full demanding course load . . ." Revise to "taking the most demanding course load"

Undergraduate / 'hard work is rewarded' - common app short answer, cross country. [5]

You start a bit abruptly. I would add something of an introduction, maybe expressing how you got into cross country, or something along those lines. You might also want to mention how long you have been doing cross country. Try to set the stage, in general, for the details you currently present.

Undergraduate / Northwestern supplement short answer (atmosphere / location) [2]

You might want to tone down on the obvious hyperbole in your sycophantic praise of Northwestern. Not that you shouldn't engage in sycophantic praise in such essays, but this is a little too over the top:

"Northwestern University is the school of my dreams."
"Northwestern has every attribute of a college that I want to be educated at."
"Northwestern University would be the perfect fit for me"
"Northwestern University is the perfect school for me"
"Northwestern is the school with every aspect that I look for when it comes to education."

Saying that once, as a conclusion emerging from your analysis of all the great qualities Northwestern has, would be okay. Repeating the same sentiment five time in less than 500 words using almost identical wording each time is not.

Apart from that, you seem to have solid reasons for wanting to attend Northwestern. I'd expand on them a bit to replace the above material. You might also want to cut out the bit about your father going to the University of Minnesota, and perhaps even lose the whole football example, as it doesn't really fit well with your other reasons, which tend to be more academic and career oriented.

Grammar, Usage / Writing terminology [3]

A discourse community is pretty much what the term suggests, namely a community (group of people) who are engaged in discourse (conversation). So, for example, an academic journal on a particular subject (Victorian Literature, let's say) would constitute a discourse community composed of all of the authors who contribute to the journal, as well as the journal's editors and its readers. One of the important things to remember about a discourse community is that such a community exists as a community by virtue of shared rules about who can say what how. So, a journal that only ever publishes, say, articles by people who have PhD's, ensures that only fairly elite voices get to speak in that journal's discourse community. Likewise, a journal might only publish pieces that are written in academic English, or that espouse mainstream theories, or that focus almost entirely on fringe theories. In each case, the rules act as limitations that serve to focus the exchange of information into a true discourse, a conversation rather than a series of voices talking across each other unintelligibly.

Writing Feedback / "Scientific Creativolution: Are Evolution and Creation Sciences?" [10]

Well, if you post the essay so that people can read it, I'll be happy to offer feedback.

Undergraduate / describe educational interest(essay which needs comment) [3]

Overall, the content here is generally good. You might want to cut out most of the first and third paragraphs, though, in order to maintain focus on the math/accounting/finance area that is your main area of interest. The discussion of overseas training and drawing and Pipa breaks what is otherwise a fairly natural flow in an essay that moves between three closely related academic topics.

Undergraduate / Question regarding Uni of Virginia supplement essay [9]

I'd go with which ever approach seems more natural to you. Either topic has potential, so its just a matter of which one you think you can write better.

Undergraduate / 'an expert in the field of finance' - University of Pennsylvania's Short Answer [5]

Overall, a good essay. You respond to the question by giving a glowing appraisal of the professor, which is pretty much what the prompt asks you to do. You might want to add in some details about your own research ideas, and how they would fit in with Allen's research interests, but that's up to you. Apart from that, a couple of suggestions for the opening:

"a very prolific researcher and is very singular in his field as he is an avid researcher." This essentially repeats itself.

". . . economics of information and his current projects involving the comparison of different countries financial systems and the in depth analysis of the current financial crises, a main interest of mine." I'd divide this into two sentences. So ". . . economics of information. Moreover, his current projects involving the comparison of different countries financial systems and the in depth analysis of the current financial crises are a main interest of mine."

Undergraduate / 'milestone in our life' - Babson Supplement, a letter to your first-year roommate [4]

First, the positive -- you have a smooth writing style, and are generally upbeat and coherent.

Now, for the things you can change:

"inside gut" = "gut"

"I may not be president of any clubs or be in the top five percent of my class, but it is no doubt to me or the people who know me that the scholarly pursuit of an education is what I am meant to do." Never draw attention to your weaknesses in an application essay unless specifically asked to do so by the prompt.

"Life will me won't be difficult" I assume you mean "life with me"

"After all, sharing space with a friend or stranger is a new experience for most students. Nonetheless, you will not have to worry about living with me. I am everything that a roommate could ask for. Living with me will be a great adventure, and I promise you that it will be nothing but a fun, supportive, and healthy experience. This will be one of the greatest moments in our lives as we will enter a new chapter at Babson. Over the course of four years, I will always be there for you." Given that this is supposed to be a letter to your new roommate, perhaps you should replace the bubbling optimism of this paragraph with a more realistic assessment based on useful details about yourself. Do you like to stay up late? Do you listen to music? If so what type? Are you uber clean, or do you like to think of your floor as a second closet? How will your answers to those questions, and others like them, determine how well you and your roommate get along?

Undergraduate / 'From India, but lived in America' - admission my college education, experience [3]

This essay lacks focus. You start off talking about how important your friends are to you, move on to your wanting to major in business, then talk about why you want a good education. The three ideas are sort of connected (you say you want to be a business woman to help people, and go to school to get the education to do that) but the connections are too loose for your writing to be effective. Put another way, you don't have a clear thesis. Decide which of these three ideas is most important to your essay, then relate all of the other ideas back to that. So, you might decide that the most important point is that you want to be a business woman to help others. You might then start off with "I want to attend XYZ university in order to become a business woman who can help others." Then, depending upon the wording of the prompt, you would go on to talk in detail about how attending XYZ would allow you to become a business women OR how being a business woman would allow you to help others, OR how your desire to help others led you to want to become a business woman. Whichever approach you choose will dictate how much (or how little) detail for each of the three ideas you include.

Undergraduate / Another Essay: It is now 2013. How has Macaulay Honors College changed you? [6]

The essay sounds a bit repetitive. In part, this is because you actually have three short paragraphs (intro, body, conclusion) in an essay that really isn't long enough to support that format. In part, it is a matter of your relying on a limited vocabulary. For instance, you use the word "experience" five times, and the word "knowledge" four times. I would merge the three paragraphs into one to eliminate some of the repetitive phrasing, and use some synonyms for those words that still crop up several times.

Undergraduate / 'International student body for research' - Help with a Columbia U short answer [6]

A couple of phrases sound a bit . . . well, arrogant is the only word that comes to mind. Specifically "satisfying my every whim and desire" and "dominate both tasks." Perhaps you could cut the former and replace the latter with "excel at both tasks." Apart from that, your response looks good.

Essays / SOP question confusion: explanation of your proposed field of study [3]

I'd say the question is asking you to explain what exactly you plan to study, not just the general subject but the specific subtopic, along with the avenues of research you plan to explore. So, for example, "I am interested in studying the portrayal of criminality in Victorian Literature. I am especially interested in how various authors reconcile the tensions between the social and individual courses of crime . . ." and so on.

Book Reports / how does the representation of childhood and adolescence shape the meaning [2]

Well, the childhood experiences of Cathy and Heathcliff shape the way those characters turn out. Heathcliff's indulgence by his adoptive father, the subsequent neglect/abuse by his step-brother, and the conversation he half overhears between Cathy and the housekeeper all shape who Heathcliff becomes -- a human monster bent on exacting vengeance on the Linton's and Earnshaws. Likewise, in Frankenstein, the creature is intelligent and initially peaceful, but becomes determined to exact vengeance on his creator when it becomes obvious that he (the creature, that is) is so hideous that all inevitably treat him with fear and loathing. There are enough parallels there to base an essay on.

Undergraduate / Brown, business - undergraduate essay supplement [3]

Start by reading the Brown website. See how they are marketing themselves, what qualities they say they have that their competitors don't, etc. Then, when you write the essay, you can talk about how you are interested in business economics for reasons that map on to those qualities. So, for example, the Brown website talks about how the university is based on a model in which teaching is as important to the professors as doing research. This is different from most universities, in which the professors are primarily interested in doing research, and teach because they have to in order to help the university make enough money to pay them for that research. So, you could talk about how you are drawn to business economics because it is a field that combines practical and theoretical elements. This mirrors Brown's own dedication to mixing the practical and theoretical through its "collaborative university-college model." And so on . . .

Undergraduate / Question regarding Uni of Virginia supplement essay [9]

Your essay will be stronger if you focus on one specific illusion for at least part of the essay, especially given that the prompt asks you to do that. You might start by talking about the first one you ever saw, then discuss how that led you to seek out others, for instance. You could then conclude by talking about what your interest in optical illusions has taught you in general.

Writing Feedback / Charlotte Brontë: Jane Eyre Essay [3]

I would expand greatly on the introduction by discussing in detail what Victorian conventions are relevant to your essay. You also might want to include a detailed definition of "feminism" at some point. At the moment, you seem to be using the word to mean either "defying Victorian convention" (which is not in and of itself necessarily feminist) or "refusing to do what men want," which is, at best, with some important qualifiers that you lack, an element of feminism rather than its essence. If you were to rewrite the introduction to include these definitions, you would find it much easier to tighten up your body paragraphs.

Speaking of your body paragraphs, they should contain quotations. Specifically, you should quote extensively from Jane Eyre, as well as from at least one biography of Bronte. The quotations you include should help you prove the points you make in each paragraph. So, for instance, when Jane Eyre decides not to become Rochester's mistress, what reasoning does she give the reader? Rochester himself? What does what Jane says about the issue reveal about her view of how women should act? What does Rochester's view reveal about Victorian conventions? etc.

Writing Feedback / toefl: Why are groups or organizations important to people? [4]

I'd replace the "my reasons are as follows" with a summary of those reasons instead.

I'd also throw some more concrete examples into the second paragraph. So, give an example of a group that helps children learn to socialize. Don't just give the name of the group, either -- explain specifically what the group does that improves social skills.

For the third paragraph, just add more details to your existing example. You mention that you took part in a mass media group, and that allowed you to learn to work with others and to meet famous artists. You might want to explain how, exactly, working with the group did this. I'd leave off the last sentence, since the point of the paragraph has nothing to do with the benefit of group work as resume builders.

In the third paragraph, you start out by talking about how individuals can achieve their goals through participating in charity, but end by talking about how charities can use individuals to promote their agenda. Focus throughout on how working for a charity can allow an individual to do more social good than he/she could do on his/her own.

Undergraduate / Upenn essay - need help on starting [5]

So focus on how you hope to gain a broad liberal arts education that will still have pragmatic applications. Or how you hope to eventually find a way to do interdisciplinary work that combines elements from various arts and sciences. Or talk about how you want to develop your critical thinking skills before specializing in a more business-related area. Each of these approaches picks up on one of the website details ("pragmatic," "flexible . . . interdisciplinary," and "entrepreneurship" respectively.

Essays / PhD Social work program - what kind of essay they require? [4]

3 and 4 seem pretty much the same. 1 and 2 would presumably cover much the same sort of material, but also want you to talk about your personal educational goals and career plans. You can probably modify your research proposal a bit to tailor it to the exact wording in each prompt without too much work.

Writing Feedback / Essay on mandatory School Uniforms. Need revision help. [2]

The most noticeable problem with this essay is that you cut back and forth between both sides of the argument without really addressing why the side you are arguing against is wrong. For instance, you state all of the following in the first half of the essay:

"A majority of students started wearing school uniforms in 1994, and since then the crime rate has decreased by 91 percent. A man who published a study on uniforms, Keith King said that wearing a school uniform is "the number one protective factor against school violence ("Require")."

"Principal Rudolph Saunders at Stephen Decatur Middle School mentions that students behave better in the classroom when they are all dressed in uniform. He states, "It's like night and day. We have 'dress down' days, and the kids' behavior is just completely different on those days (Viadero).""

"However, high school student Evelyn Rivera says, "People still act the same. Uniforms are not really helpful if we do not address the problems kids have ("Require").""

"In addition, a researcher at the University of Missouri-Columbia and an assistant professor of sociology, David L. Brunsma, has been doing research on the effects of school uniforms since President Clinton addressed the issue in his State of the Union Address in 1996. Brunsma has concluded that it does not do much too actually improve the issues (Viadero)."

You present all of this information without ever really explaining which comments you agree with, and more importantly, why. For instance, you never explain why you think the student and the sociology professor should be considered more authoritative than the principal and the researcher. You also don't explore the reasons that the empirical effects of uniform policies are difficult to measure. If schools that adopt a uniform policy report a decrease in violence, is it because the adoption of uniforms is normally part of a push for more discipline in the classroom in general? If so, to what extent could that discipline be maintained without uniforms? If, as you argue later on, school uniforms inhibit creativity, what research has been done to show that this actually happens? If there is strong research showing such an effect, then does the issue become one of balancing discipline versus creativity? If this is the case, is there a middle ground, dress codes but not uniforms, that might represent a compromise everyone could agree to?

I guess what I'm getting at is that, in covering both sides of the debate, you have presented thesis and antithesis without actually including the synthesis that such as essay would normally incorporate. At the very least, you should explain why the pro-uniform statements you include are wrong or beside the point.

Undergraduate / GW Straight Med essay? So incredibly lost. Guidance? [2]

I see what you mean. This actually reads like two essays. The first one is an explanation of the reason why you want to join a medical program in general. The second one, tacked on to the end, is the reason why you want to join GW's program in particular. Really, I think this could be made into quite a good essay simply by working on creating a smoother transition between the two parts, and by elaborating a bit more on the second half. In terms of the transition, simply maintain the style you have been using up until you make the shift, instead of drawing attention to the transition by phrasing it as a question. So, "Having decided that I wanted to pursue a medical career, the only question became where to take the degree. Georg Washington immediately recommended itself for several reasons . . ." then expand on what those reasons were. What exactly about the DC atmosphere caught your attention. What separates GW's program from its competitors? (Hint: reflect back whatever they say in that regard on their website) What sort of community service does GW do, and how do you plan to participate? That sort of thing.

Undergraduate / The accident that left my nose damaged badly [2]

Overall a very good job. An interesting story full of vivid details and thoughtful reflection. To improve, I'd work more on smoothing out the transitions from one paragraph to the next. Some of them can be a bit abrupt. For instance, while it is clear that your Grandfather;s advice allowed you to see yourself in a new light, it is less obvious how it allowed you to see others, who had been quite cruel, in an optimistic way.

Book Reports / Tell us about your favorite book. 2 para book review. [4]

This is fairly solid. A couple of tips, though. When describing events in a book, it is customary to use the present tense, rather than the past tense, so you should alter your tenses throughout to match that convention. If you have more room, you might also want to go into a bit more detail about the connection between the background (war-torn Afghanistan) and the theme of redemption, but it isn't strictly necessary.

Undergraduate / Why XYZ college? [4]

Overall, fairly well-written. A handful of minor points:

". . . she said is amazingly met my perception about a perfect college" Revise to something like ". . . she said perfectly reflected my view of an ideal college," or some such.

". . . the same things as what the woman had mentioned." Delete the "as what"

" . . . the students their own charge of their own education." Delete the first instance of the words "their own"

"The Honor Code also builds the trust and cooperation between students and faculty" Just "builds trust . . ." will do. No need for the "the"

"As I reflect back on my life, I can see that my intellectual ability will be challenged to grow in the research-style study as well as the CISLA internationalized internship in XYZ." Reflecting back helps you see what's ahead of you? The idea might work if it were better developed, but as it stands it just seems contradictory.

"will provide me the latest of advancement in my fields" This doesn't work. Try something more along the lines of "will provide me the opportunity to work on the cutting edge of my field."

"I am now so perplexed at my inability to explain in depth to others how greatly I want to attend to XYZ for the sake of a concise essay." Eliminate this sentence. You have just shown that you can explain yourself quite readily in a concise essay.

". . . but also in my social life." Um, this seems like a bit of a non sequitur. It doesn't really connect to anything that has come before.

Writing Feedback / Chivalry Essay, Advantages and Disadvantages [2]

Too much retelling of the story, not enough analysis. Also, what analysis there is tends to miss the mark. For instance, Gawain's valuing his life more than the code is not a disadvantage of chivalry, it is merely evidence that Gawain is not as chivalrous as he thinks. The advantages to chivalry lie in the fact that it holds people to some of the highest human virtues, such as courage and honor. The disadvantages lie in the fact that it values those virtues beyond the call of reason. Consider that in "Gawain and the Green Knight," the Green Knight could easily have decapitated Gawain. Thus, by being chivalrous, Gawain would have died for no particular reason except the fact that chivalry forbade him from refusing a challenge that was, on the face of it, preposterous. Likewise, in Morte d'Arthur, chivalry binds Bedivere to throw away the best weapon his side has for defending the kingdom merely because of his oath to obey the King. However, what sort of world would we have if people were always willing to sacrifice their virtues to the expediencies of the moment? This is really the sort of debate your essay should engage in, using the events from the stories as evidence for your point of view.

Writing Feedback / "I love my friends" essay, help edit [3]

It would be easier to edit this if I knew what exactly your goal was in writing it, although the fact that the goal isn't immediately obvious is perhaps a problem in and of itself. Is this an essay meant to show how outgoing you are? Is it meant as a narrative piece about the importance of Kari and Marc to you? Is it a piece about the precious but fleeting value of childhood friends? I guess what I'm trying to say is that at the moment, the piece seems to lack a purpose, beyond your stating that you really like your friends. That's great, but there is no particular reason why your reader should care. If this is just a piece written for yourself, that doesn't much matter, of course, but if you are concerned with editing it, then presumably you are going to be showing it to an audience of some sort, which means you need to give the reader a reason to be interested.