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Posts by KhanhZ
Joined: Jul 9, 2012
Last Post: Jul 30, 2014
Threads: 5
Posts: 131  
Likes: 7
From: Viet Nam

Displayed posts: 136 / page 1 of 4
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KhanhZ   
Jul 30, 2014
Essays / Scholarship essay - Application essay, what is the different approach? [2]

Hi Sheena,

Well, usually there are different types of scholarships which aim at different "subsets" of students. For example, a scholarship exclusively for women or a scholarship for ethnical minorities. So my question is what kind/type of scholarship are you

applying exactly? The type of the scholarship can help to determine the tone of the essay.
Neverthless, I do not think it's a good idea to just copy-paste an essay for that purpose. If you could, I don't know, post the question/ guidelines for this scholarship essay, I might be able to help you better.
KhanhZ   
Mar 3, 2014
Essays / Personal non-Fiction Essay - I have no idea where i'm going with this (Grade 12 Student) [3]

Hey Michael,

Below are some of my suggestions:

A nice introduction, but after that the whole bulk of your essay is just your thoughts and general reflections on goals and motivation -- I still don't see a PERSONAL story, like a specific episode from your life, because isn't that what personal narrative supposedly consist of?.

... and by the way, Where are my b'nanas!?
KhanhZ   
Feb 27, 2014
Essays / Personal non-Fiction Essay - I have no idea where i'm going with this (Grade 12 Student) [3]

Hey there, Michael,

This doesn't seem like a full essay. Is this like, I don't know, an introduction of sorts?
If this is your full version, then its too short and too general, so you should totally expand and introduce some real personal story in which you struggled to reach your goal or something. And you wrote "in relation to other essays", do you have those essays or what exactly do you mean?

And yeah, if you could send me some bananas that would be awfully nice.
KhanhZ   
Jan 13, 2014
Essays / How to write an personal essay about against the criticism against gaming in general? [2]

Hi Mohhamed,
I'll just throw in some ideas for you.
First of all, a very important principle of logic is that correlation is not causation. Violence can be correlated with playing video games, but that doesn't mean it causes it. You can try searching for the experiments and research studies conducted on this matter.

Secondly, acclaimed books and movies used to be a source of hot debates, regarding the causes of violence or other negative effects as well. For example, a novel by Goethe Sorrow of Young Wurther caused numerous suicides by young people who were deeply impressed with the book. You can find loads of other examples on the Net. It is basically the matter of how you interpret the message of the game.

If you got some specific questions, throw them in here.
KhanhZ   
Dec 28, 2012
Undergraduate / The power of Creativity common app essay [4]

Hello. Leyla)

Below is how I revised your essay:

Tha main problem with your essay is some kind of vaqueness in the second paragrapgh -- not enough background events are revealed to fully understand your situation, so work on that. Also try to vary your sentences.
KhanhZ   
Dec 4, 2012
Undergraduate / Growing up with four overachieving siblings; UC Essay Prompt #1 [2]

Hi, Mac)
Your essay is nice, though the topic is quite common, so regarding your question whether you should add more details after the 2 para, of course, you need to make your story more personal and adding more interesting tidbits will only supplement that.

I've noticed You tend to overuse some words and sentence structures with "as" so I tried to revise some of those, also there are some tense inconsistency.
KhanhZ   
Nov 9, 2012
Undergraduate / 'losing my first election' - 2nd UC PROMPT [3]

Hello, Jessica)
. It would be better if you included the question for this essay, so I could see the context of the essay. And what's the word limit?

Your essay is quite OK, but I think you should elaboate more on your election campaign, maybe add some dialogue and other detail, make it more vivid.

Here are some of my suggestions:

My heart was pounding as I chewed on my lip because my fingernails were no longer an option.Ě£ (nice)

Since then, I have been an Associated Student Body member for three years now .

... the criticism I faced as a young member, and used it to better myself and look for innovative ways to betterimprove the school's environment

in inspiring me to follow a career in Public Relations in the Communications field .

After finding Giving so much love and passion in a high school activity that was only supposed to impress admissions offices it made me losing e the election, that much harder to accept my failure to be a part of the Associated Student Body cabinetand that was much harder for me to accept . (this is how I would correct the sentence, if i get its meaning right )

I knew in my guts that I would

I had won. !

t was my name that she had calledannounced

It wasAt long last I that was finally going to have the opportunity to lead and inspire younger members, just like I was fortunate enough to experienceas the previous presidents did .

The struggle that I went through after losing my first election, gave me the time that I needed to learn and become more secure inprepare for my role in A.S.B. As Senior Class President; my roleposition has definitely evolved, but the dedication and work that I put into getting this positionreaching it , isare still the same and applies y to different areas in my life because I know the possibilities with those two traits ( dedication is a trait, but work is not ) are endless.

KhanhZ   
Oct 19, 2012
Essays / Including fallacies (writing an essay about abortion) [2]

Hi, Bipasha)
I can't exactly get what you want: do you want assistance in finding fallacies in arguments for anti-abortion and thus to beef up your pro-abortion arguments?

Therefore it does not have an independent existence which is one of the most important characteristics of a human

I doubt a new born baby can survive without being constantly breast-fed.

"fetus is not life"[ordinary fallacies].

I think fetus is life, cells that make up a fetus are kinda living things.
KhanhZ   
Oct 19, 2012
Undergraduate / 'becoming successful in life' - College Application Short Essay (Georgia Tech) [2]

Hello, Cameron)
You say you "had a natural affinity to computers" and yet you haven't explained why you chose Georgia Tech to study IT. For instance, add that Gergia tech has high-end computers and related equipment, many clubs related to computers etc. ( if that's true of course)
KhanhZ   
Oct 19, 2012
Undergraduate / 'Keep waiting' - Stanford Essay to my room mate.... Charley te t33. [3]

Hi, Richard)

"Charley Te t33 ?" (how is that exactly pronounced? you don't want an admission officer to have problems with that)

I think you shouldn't infuse your letter with slang or whatever that might cause difficulty in understanding

Alright then. Got to run! My ampesi and palava sauce await - yes, cheffed by yours truly. "Abaa na bo" (later) then - Ampesi with a side plate of Trudi Canavan's, "The Magicians Guild," must not be kept waiting.

Well, this sentence for me means nothing, it kinda tells nothing about you.

For now, I think your letter is too short. The limit is like 2000 characters and you used up only 750. I am not saying the letter should be long, but you might want to elaborate on your, for example, food geekiness.
KhanhZ   
Oct 18, 2012
Undergraduate / Richmond Suppliment- Time you left your comfort zone and how it affected you [2]

Hello, Chris)
Your essay is not bad, but while reading it I didn't feel a strong emotional impact. You should probably add more details on your hardships and how they rocked you emotionaly.

And the first para of your essay doesn't have a transition to the "backstory" of the next paragraphs. When I read at first, I thought you worked at the age of 9.

The threatfear of being fired fromby Tony, my boss, became a very normal thingmy chronic syndrome

In about third grade my dad scored a huge job at HSBC

Although nothing was ever said straigh t out

My dad's boss at HSBC was replaced, and the new boss and him did not get along with him well .

I grew up as the rich spoiled kid who had someone cook and clean for meeverything served on a silver platter ,

KhanhZ   
Oct 13, 2012
Undergraduate / 'My family's work' - *Extracurricular Activity* INTERNSHIP [2]

Hi, Samantha)

You say you want to become a businesswoman, an entrepreneur, right? But in your essay you only talk about your " accounting and marketing skills" and nothing about your entrepreneurial skills, which are the main component of becoming a businessman. So try to shift the emphasis of your essay on how you developed entrepreneurial skills (ability to weigh risks, having a broad and flexible outlook, creativity etc)
KhanhZ   
Oct 7, 2012
Writing Feedback / "Afraid" - Filipinos and reptiles essay [2]

Hello, Theresa)
Welcome to EssayForum)
Always include a topic or question of your essay next time.
Your essay is very good with descriptions and the narrative, but the problem is that you just wrote about your fears and nothing about how you try to overcome them -- you need to show theyour strength of will, otherwise I don't see the point of the essay.

And I think you'd better focus only on Sciolodentosaurosophobia, so you would have enough words to fit into the limit (if there is a word limit).
KhanhZ   
Sep 29, 2012
Undergraduate / Stanford Supplement: Intellectual Vitality- Illuminati Conspiracy [9]

here are my suggestions

While providing information on Henry David Thoreau's life, my teacher presented his quote by Thoreau : "The question is not what you look at, but what you see." In the hindsight of a naïve freshman, this quote seemed redundant because when you look at an object, you are also seeing an object. When you look at something, you also see it; they are interchangeable terms (redundant)

Indeed , the trees are green

Similarly, the sun is a radiant yellow, but it is also the main source of energy for both plants and humans .( is it? )

the sun is the main source of energy for all living organisms. ( again, sun is not the main source of energy for all organisms )

try adding some more complex examples of your observations and elaborate more on how this new idea impacted your life.
KhanhZ   
Sep 27, 2012
Undergraduate / Enthusiasm, Bagpipes & Muffins-Stanford Roommate Supplement [4]

I noticed this only now

but my muffins never fail to disappoint .

so your muffins always succeed in disappointing)

Well, your essay is still nice and the same just with some of my suggestions. Repost essays only if you have changed them dramatically-- no need to post practically the same thing.
KhanhZ   
Sep 22, 2012
Undergraduate / Enthusiasm, Bagpipes & Muffins-Stanford Roommate Supplement [4]

Hi)
I think your essay is interesting, really shows the quirky side of yours) I am applying to Stanford as well and I love cooking too.

Some of my suggestions

My enthusiasm is contagious, or at least it is to my parents

My enthusiasm is contagious, or at least it is to my parents; I make any moment the moment . Whether it's through my harmonious bagpipes, tuned to perfection, or during the 19th minute of baking 20-minute muffins, I make itany triviality the most exhilarating moment of the day.

I hope you also are hyped about attending athletic events, especially the football games and tennis matches at Stanford, since-- they're quite exceptional programsand I am really passionate about tennis, although I'm not varsity-worthy.

If you join me, perhaps you can learn to love some of the things the way I do.

KhanhZ   
Sep 20, 2012
Undergraduate / Is abortion too controversial for the common app essay? [2]

Hi, Cameron)
I think this topic is controversial for an application essay, however the problem with the essays about stuff like this or religion is not the controversy itself but unoriginality . In your essay you might genuinely express your own opinion, but a lot of people have the exact same opinion on the issue of abortion, so unfortunately, it makes your work kinda boring. IMHO If you decide to post an essay on different topic in this thread, I'll gladly review it
KhanhZ   
Sep 20, 2012
Undergraduate / 'I got my AP score' - UChicago nemesis essay, creative narrative email [4]

Hi, Michael)
I think your essay is quite original and nice, though I have one suggestion: if you added "Dear Mrs. Lehman, " your essay would more sound like a letter . What is baffling me a lot is how could you make such a mistake. I have never taken an AP test, but I have SAT and when I got a score report there was not a chance to make a mistake like the one you did, because the maximum amount of score is usually shown in the report.
KhanhZ   
Sep 20, 2012
Undergraduate / Stanford Supplement: Intellectual Vitality- Illuminati Conspiracy [9]

sadistic fable (this word is totally out of the context of the sentence, use unimaginable for example )

He mentioned that the idea of forming League of Nations, presented by Woodrow Wilson

slightly hoping that I was just a mild lunatic

Could there be something Wilson was had been trying to achieve that Sen. Henry Cabot Lodge found out about, leading to him opposing so vehemently causing him to support the opposition so vehemently? The array of possibilities, other than the one idolized commonly agreed upon by most history books, introduced me to the Illuminati.

The maxim of the Illuminati was to economically drain the world , so following the negotiation failureafter failing to negotiate at the Treaty of Versailles, Jacob Schiff, an American banker and an Illuminati member , ordered President Wilson to draw up the League of Nations ( Wilson drew up LoN for what? to economically drain the world? how? That's the question the reader might ask )

too many flaws in history to not account for an ultimate hierarchy of power

5 words amazed even my history teacher (ahh yo haven't mentioned that anywhere before )

Well, there is an improvement in your essay in overall narrative, but points like Schiff setting up Nikolai's murder and Schiff ordering the US president himself are vague and really beg for more explanation

With the limit of 2000 characters, adding additional info without going over limit seems to be very hard. if you have any other historical examples that could be connected to Illuminati and be well explained without too much words, you might try them out. Illuminati conspiracy theory is a very interesting topic, but it requires a lot of explanation and thus a lot of writing. I'm afraid that you might even need to shift your topic to philosophy.((
KhanhZ   
Sep 18, 2012
Undergraduate / Stanford Supplement: Intellectual Vitality- Illuminati Conspiracy [9]

may you tell me if my idea of elaboration on personal thoughts is correct? Do I elaborate on the effect my research has had on me? Include an example or so?

Well, as I said before, your current version of the essay doesn't have much personal output, so I can't tell whether you personal thoughts are right or wrong etc.

Revise your essay and post it here and so could answer those questions.

Looking back in history, it seems more than likely that the Napoleonic Wars and the World Wars are all part of the large plot to seize and control the world .(It isn't likely, it was explicitly Napoleon's and Hitler's plan to conquer whole world)

I reread your essay and feel the arguments you gave to support Illuminati theory are not actually strong enough.

I turned to books and websites about conspiracy theories and tackled this subject for weeks. I pondered why Wilson would propose an idea, and implement it, only to have his Senate refuse his request to join the League; could there be something or someone Wilson knew that our Senate was oblivious to? Why did Russia avoid the League so vehemently?

You could include your own thoughts on this
KhanhZ   
Sep 14, 2012
Undergraduate / Stanford Supplement: Intellectual Vitality- Illuminati Conspiracy [9]

Hi)
In this rough draft you mostly talk about how you got acquainted with the concept of Illuminati organization and explain what it means. There is not much personal output and thoughts, so i guess you might want to elaborate on that.
KhanhZ   
Sep 11, 2012
Undergraduate / 'Some groups come naturally'; university of michigan supplement essay [4]

Hi, Sekemi)
Your essay is confusing at times - sometimes I just don't have any idea what you are talking about.

Some groups come naturally. They choose us: ethnicity, racial backgrounds race , geography etcetera ... These labels are emblazoned on us regardless of our resistance or rejection or acceptance of them .

Since they those are just labels and do not drastically affect the product, ideology is what defines me the community I am most attached to

I believe that life should be where our weaknesses and strengths are used to complement one another, by this I mean "interdependence". ( the phrasing is not very smooth )

Truth-even though thorny-should be protected with both hands and should be the foundation of institutions that eye longevity. ( i don't really get what you wanted to convey in this sentence)

As a World Bank President in the making ,( what is that? )

KhanhZ   
Sep 5, 2012
Undergraduate / Certainty is what matters. stanford essay. [7]

Thanks a lot, Jenny, for your suggestions.
The first para is actually my beginning of essay, yeah it might be odd , but I wanted to start in some unconventional way.
my parents forced me to study something else, they gave me an ultimatum: if I didn't choose something else, they would not pay a dime for my education.

Need more feedback guys, plz.
KhanhZ   
Sep 4, 2012
Undergraduate / Certainty is what matters. stanford essay. [7]

Hi, everyone)
This is another essay for Stanford. What matters to you, and why? max 2000 characters

Before I wrote this, I had been drafting an essay about having a choice as something that really matters to me. Well, it still does. And my essay was about my parents not allowing me to study psychology and becoming a clinical psychologist, because of their rusty disregard and misconceptions of that job, and how I had to argue for weeks to no avail. However, I scratched that out. Let me narrate the story in another light.

Once upon a time, I told my mom about my interest in psychology and my desire to bind it with my life -- her answer was affirmative ,though not overly enthusiastic. As time passed, my dad and grandmother decided to intervene with their diminutive notions of psychology, consequentially making my mom change her mind and forcing me to make another choice: I took advertising for pre-law and fixed on law career. Time flowed still, and while I conducted my tiresome research into good advertisement colleges, my parents condescended to say that psychology would actually be a better pre-law. Full of indignation, I suffered, helpless, for my life was trifled with , for my parents paid for my education, thus rendering me wholly dependent on them.

But guess what, about a week before I started this essay, my mom suddenly told me I could resume my old pursuits. You might think I have been happy, overflowing with joy and thanking heavens for mercy. The reality was different though -- I was utterly perplexed. Guess why, it was a diviner who told her that according to stars or whatever he used for divination, it is very suitable for me, who was born in the year of mouse with affiliation to water, to work as a psychologist.

Now you wonder what is this all about. It is about certainty. Certainty is what matters to me on par with having choice. Life taught me uncertainty is a hope that constantly leaves and returns, a wound that is stabbed and bandaged over and over and thus should be never wished to anyone.
KhanhZ   
Sep 4, 2012
Undergraduate / 'Dark Materials Trilogy' - NYU: What Intrigues You - Parallel Universes [2]

Hello, vicepres18
First of all indicate your real name, so nobody dares to copy your work.
Second, i think the content of your essay is ok and the topic itself has a potential, but the way it is served could be better. Try to intrigue the readers with this topic, try to stimulate their attention more by providing mind baffling examples of parallel universes paradoxes of your own creation -- just something more edgy.

Btw, is there a word limit?

A couple years ago, I came across the " His Dark Materials" Trilogy by Philip Pullman. The main focus of the book is on existence of parallel universes and their existence .

When my conductor ( who is that, the only thing that comes up in my mind is a conductor of orchestra and train)

the example of turning your head to the left or right is not really fascinating, try something different and show that possible results of the " chain reaction" you mentioned.

And i would suggest you to read " End of Eternity" by Isaac Azimov. It's a very interesting novel about parallel universes of some sort, too.
KhanhZ   
Sep 4, 2012
Undergraduate / WHY YALE SHORT ANSWER; 'Fred Plaut Recording Studio and The Shubert Centre' [4]

Hi, Rebecca)
What is exact word limit for this?
Well, I think your answer is not strong enough for Yale -- it's about nothing. I've seen a lot of answers like this and what they all lack is elaborating on why exactly some Uni suits to you. I guess you need to add more stuff about yourself .

The Irving S. Gilmore Music Library, The Fred Plaut Recording Studio and The Shubert Centre for Performing Arts

don't waste words listing all the facilities and centers
KhanhZ   
Aug 31, 2012
Undergraduate / 'keep on learning' - Common App Transfer Essay Prompt [5]

Hi, Samson(if it is your name) )
I think your essay is really nice, explains well all the reasons for transferring.

... go back there ,Bb ecause I kne w that if I did, I would be settling and settling is the last thing I would ever want to do.

My next plan beingis to move out of state.

My plan ( repeated twice before) to move out of state seems juvenile ( nope it doesn't ) but the college I need cannot be found in state.

use everything I will have learned to take risks and someday

Because even though I will not be living a comfortable life, at least I canwill be able to say that I did not settle for bread crumbs (or smth like that) and that I tried my hardest to be what I want to be.

KhanhZ   
Aug 31, 2012
Grammar, Usage / Two sentences; very short grammar question. [9]

Hi, Katie again)
If you have your whole work, could you post here? I would gladly review it, cos' I don't really enjoy reading tidbits)

In many movies, characters demonstrate logos, pathos, and ethosthe usage of mentioned rhetoric devices when giving speeches

It would be better if you could give examples from other sources :literature, historiy - not only cinematography.
KhanhZ   
Aug 31, 2012
Undergraduate / UCF Essays (Family, Country Teaching) / (Knowledge is my love) [2]

Greetings, Kyle)
Your answers for these two question are not original I guess,everyone who applies to college is supposed to like knowledge and be responsible and honest and diligent. Try to describe some of your other interesting qualities and, if you could, describe some event that formed or supported it.

And what I noticed in your answers is lack of sentence structure variety, so try to employ different structures.
Post your essays here and I will look at them)
KhanhZ   
Aug 31, 2012
Undergraduate / 'going to live with you' - Stanford Letter to Roommate [7]

Hi everyone)
This is my letter for roommate and I definitely could use some feedback from you , guys. I wanted to sound more casual , not haughty in this letter

So here it is:
Hey, my future roommate, if you are reading this, that pretty much means I'm going to live with you. Now start taking notes. I'm quite phlegmatic, humble and tolerant, so I won't put myself above you or nitpick you or do anything obnoxious. It's possible that you would might perceive the default countenance of my relaxed face as too serious , even gloomy a bit ( many people have remarked that), but that shouldn't alienate you. I'm melomaniac and listen to all genres and most of subgenres of music, so I definitely won't rant about my hatred of classical or pop music, while you listen to it; we might only argue on music performers. Though I'm not excessively pedantic, chaos is not my element - you will have a hard time indulging yourself in messing the room up, if you are inclined to it. Sometimes I experience occasional fits of cooking, so you may grab some nice bite, if I don't overcook the dish. You might as well expect some counseling services from me, for you are welcome, just don't whine excessively. However, what I want from you is: not snoring, drinking, smoking, asking silly questions, clipping your nails in the room and singing if you are bad at it -- those are my simple and quite feasible requirements for a good roommate. And leave me some space on the wall for me to punch it; the rest is yours: for posters and whatever stuff you deem worthy of hanging there.

Anyway, I just hope you are a decent guy or gal to deal with, and if you are, then our coexistence will be blissful. I assure you.

And, yeah, just forgot, my name's Khan. If it's hard to pronounce, just call me Han then.
KhanhZ   
Aug 30, 2012
Undergraduate / 'an aspiring Accountant' - recommendation essay for rutgers [7]

bik2daxtreme, indicate your real name under your essay so no one could be able to copy it.
And , well, your essay is still about general stuff. You need to tell about yourself, about some of your interests, events in your life that lead you to realize that Rutgers is a perfect fit for you. By the way, is there a word limit req?

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