Undergraduate / Medical ophthalmic assistant; Personal Statement-Why becoming a PA? [8]

mygoalisPA
It was my pleasure... :D

Essays / Choosing a topic; RTA School of Media Research-Based Essay [4]

Are we alone? - Maybe you could get some statistics about how many people feel lonely, or research the definition of "alone". This could relate to "Are we alone in the universe?" which has to do with space research.

Albert Einstein once said, "The only thing that interferes with my learning is my education." How does this apply to you? - Maybe research different educational systems and analyze how they could hold some people back from learning in different ways.

A biography is where you research a person. A bibliography is where you list the authors, titles, and websites (If they're on the Internet) of all of your sources. You can Google search "Sample bibliography" for an idea of what I'm talking about. Make sure you find out whether the format you're supposed to use is MLA or APA or something...

Undergraduate / MEXICAN AMERICAN/ALFREDO QUINONES-HINOJOSA; Experiences -Promotion of DIVERSITY [5]

You have a very interesting background, and an interesting take on this prompt. I liked how you integrated your Mexican culture into this essay, but I would have liked to see a little more of that, as well as a little more organization in your thoughts. You could structure it by writing about being an American: how you promote diversity by listening to others' opinions and learning from others' cultures (be specific!).

Then you could write about being Mexican and elaborate on your family, heritage, or lifestyle. Then you could write about how you admire someone who broke racial stereotypes and circumstances to become a neurosurgeon. And then you could write how you want to promote diversity by breaking the status quo.

And you could conclude with how that both your open-mindedness and your desire to do whatever it takes to impact others will help you promote diversity in the future as a doctor.

Undergraduate / CONSUMPTION & BI-PRODUCTS; Petroleum Engineering SOP - University of Wyoming [7]

You could definitely put the background about the engineer in your opening paragraph.

My suggestion would be to put the paragraphs after your opening one in chronological order from grade school to now... I think it would also help if you put in what you just mentioned about your electrical engineering class. Doing those things would definitely create the impression that your passion is building from the past to the present.

And I definitely did understand that you were mathematically inclined; I don't doubt your passion for mathematics and engineering, because you made it so clear. I guess I just didn't understand why you took solace in such a different field for all of college, and what you weren't getting from that field that made you turn back to mathematics instead of just sticking with English.

Hopefully, that made sense...

Essays / Superman: Hero, Inspiration, Tyrant, popular epigraph [6]

Very interesting to read! I'm just left a little uncertain of why you feel commercials are so important to television and to people, and why you feel so passionately about this that you wrote a whole essay about it.

Scholarship / "GIVING THEM A FIGHTING CHANCE", CHCI LATINO SCHOLARSHIP [2]

I am blown away by the eloquence and power of your essay and your story! I would leave it as is, since it is still under the word limit. Just one extra word:


Great job, and best of luck!

Undergraduate / MEXICAN AMERICAN/ALFREDO QUINONES-HINOJOSA; Experiences -Promotion of DIVERSITY [5]

Maybe I would just focus on your experience working at the clinic and your impression of Dr. QuiĂąones-Hinojosa, which is the latter 199 words of your essay, and build off of that, writing how he showed you that diversity is not passive like the color of your skin; it's an action, the stereotypes you challenge and the people you influence. And then you can work in the open-mindedness you learned as an American, and elaborate on ways you will use open-mindedness and your understanding of diversity on a campus and in a medical career.

Undergraduate / TRAVEL to the USA; Umass Lowell & Umass Amherst -EXTRACURRICULAR/ WORK EXP [9]

I think you should continue with your application. Any supplement essays are just another chance to show them that you do care about applying there, and no college admissions officer will throw your application in the trash if they see a typo. They get that you are an international student and that sometimes, things slip past the radar. More than anything else, your writing emitted a lot of sincerity, which will by itself be a nice wake-up from all the cheesy writing they've gotten before. Also, I'm sure that isn't the worst essay they've ever read.

You want "success"; that's clear from your essay. Don't let the fear of failure or rejection stop you from reaching it. Good luck.

Undergraduate / 'I move. I change. I create.' - UPenn Ben Franklin essay [4]

I agree with Epsilon; I would definitely elaborate on what things you do that support you labeling yourself a mover, and how you developed into that kind of person.

Undergraduate / I am proud to say that I have good study habits - UW Madison [2]

To many people, grades are very important. I would be one of the people who agree that the grades people receive in school play a vital role in their futures . Grades may seem like just a letter on a report card that students receive four times a year, but they are more than that to me; grades reflect a person's progress in a class. Every time a quarter ends, I eagerly await seeing my report card. To me, the grades I get show that my hard work has paid off.

Q: I have been struggling on writing on writing a book for high school students, which will be presented on my graduation ceremony coming up in two months. I have been struggling with the outline but its tiring writing it. I want suggestions on the content and sections under each content. I will be grateful with the help. Before I forget here is the name of the book " Habits of highly successful students" or "practice of an effective student".

A: you could include a whole module on case studies of past successful students.. you know, you could interviewing them and writing up a list of what we need to do to be an effective learner. just an opinion. :) good luck

Undergraduate / Chartered Accountant - Schulich School-Business Admin [9]

Remember, this essay is not "Tell us what you want to study at the Schulich School of Business." It's "Tell us why you want to study at the Schulich School of Business." You have to do some research into the school, it's teaching methods and opportunities, offered courses, etc. to let them know why of all the business schools in the country, you chose that one.


I like this sentence, but almost everyone would write about how they want to go to a college because it has "diversity" and a "world-class reputation".

Scholarship / Exploration is key; U Michigan - Bell Scholarship [3]

I agree with Chelchelch. The way you presented your dual interest in engineering and medicine makes me uncertain about how well you would use the money, and I'm sure scholarship essay readers would feel the same.

Instead, write about how you are interested in engineering and medicine, and then elaborate on how you think engineering could be important to the medical field (Biomedical engineering could be the next innovative way to treat cancer or help people with disabilities, for example).

Also, write a little more about you. Why do you want to be an engineer, and why do you want to be a doctor? It's more than just liking the subjects; what do you want to generally do with your life (help people, invent something, etc.)?

Undergraduate / Sinking Deep into the labyrinths of my mind lays an itch- WHY Uchicago? [4]

[Moved from]: Deep in the labyrinths of my mind lies an itch

A. I like the Superman-Batman one better.

B. The beginning of your essay is definitely very engaging, and I like the way you connected it to your (Extracurricular? Job?) teaching children. Maybe I would like to know more about the upbringing that made you so driven to pursue knowledge, as well as the details of your teaching (Where is this? How long have you been teaching?). The end is still a little generic; I know you already talk about UChicago in another essay, but all the things you described could be found in most colleges.

Thus, by providing me with a challenging curriculum, the University of Chicago is a stimulating center where I seek to intellectually thrive and learn the true concept of education.

Why do you think UChicago can teach you the true concept of education? What do you think the true concept of education is?

Undergraduate / Career in the computing industry ; Goals at Queen's University and beyond [3]

Hmm... This is the prompt:


What you wrote was a "Why I want to go to Queen's" essay, which is different. Stick to the prompt. What do you want to learn at Queen's? What clubs and activities do you want to participate in? What specific career do you want to pursue; where do you see yourself in ten or twenty years? Or, if you aren't sure, do you think Queen's can help you figure it out?

Essays / Rules about using 'I statements' for a hook [4]

College essays and personal statements should be written in the first person, so I could not imagine why it would be incorrect to use an I statement in the first sentence...

Undergraduate / I wasn't a strong testtaker; PERSONAL INFO, HARDSHIPS / CHALLENGES / OPPORTUNITIES [4]

I like it better under Topic A because Topic C asks you to relate your hardships to thins like "abilities," "academic credentials," and "achievements or talents." However, to make Topic C work, you need to elaborate more on your past relationship with your mother and write about how she influenced who you are and what you want to do in the future.)

Undergraduate / My life time goal has always been to own a restaurant; GOALS (350 Words) [3]

You should also elaborate on why owning a restaurant is your dream in the first place.

Undergraduate / Tastes/ Languages/ Religions; Summer Internship - Diversity; Interests/ Background [3]

You're kind of skimming over the surface of "diversity" here. I think a lot of students at the college you're applying to are equally curious, interested in other cultures, and like trying new things. I would recommend picking one thing and really explaining how it shaped what you think is important, what you want to do with your life, or what you're good at so that colleges will know that you aren't just going to spend your four years either in a classroom or in your dorm room.

Undergraduate / BAD History - Explaining Academic Dismissal [10]

I really like your first two paragraphs; it's just a matter of reducing the extra descriptions.

Amazing essay, powerful story; I hope you get in wherever you're seeking to go.

Undergraduate / I maintain all As & in the top 10; Earlham C- Why I'm academically prepared! [3]

I maintain almost all A's and rank in the top ten at my school. In this current school year, I have also devoted a lot of time to extracurricular activities, clubs, volunteering, and teaching. I have demonstrated an ability to perform competently during classroom activities and lectures. although, I believe that I did not perform not even close to my utmost ability, however,because I feel that I was not challenged to perform to my fullest capacity; I seek to attend Earlham College because I believe that it will challenge me. .

Overall, you did a good job of answering the prompt. Best of luck!

Undergraduate / I have the traits of a mover; U PENN: Ben Franklin (immovable, movable, move) [8]

I'm kind of on the fence about your approach. On one hand, it's cool that you connected the three classes to thoughts, words, and actions. But then you talk about how it is important to develop your thoughts before you act. But while people's thoughts should be immovable, or people who are immovable only think and never act, whether or not you think before you act does not actually have anything to do with being a person who moves. So spending your essay talking about that is a little confusing to me.

Undergraduate / Meaningful Coincidences, Steve Jobs Connecting the Dot NUS Essay [3]

The prompt asks you for an experience or activity that you do which is related to Psychology, not necessarily how you became interested in pursuing Psychology. The college admissions officers want to know why you want to study it and know that you are committed to your intended major. I would suggest focusing on your Integrated Facility Management experience or your overseas work attachment and describe how that made you more passionate about Psychology.

Undergraduate / I have the traits of a mover; U PENN: Ben Franklin (immovable, movable, move) [8]

Hmm... Maybe you should just write that you are immovable then, and discuss how to move others, you have to be a thinker first, and how "thinker" is what you primarily define yourself as. Paradoxically, being immovable in your thoughts and goals is the best way to move others; that's a more direct way of saying it.

Hope that was helpful; I don't think you should abandon your idea unless you really want to.

Undergraduate / I have the traits of a mover; U PENN: Ben Franklin (immovable, movable, move) [8]

I think that instead of creating an elaborate explanation or metaphor for what you're trying to say, you should write the essay around an experience that shows that you are one of the three things. But I do like the idea of changing "move" to mean that you are pursuing your maximum potential instead of the cliched "move" of impacting other people.

Undergraduate / I have the traits of a mover; U PENN: Ben Franklin (immovable, movable, move) [8]

It was my pleasure :D

Undergraduate / Want to make a difference in the World; Why am I the perfect candidate? [3]

I would suggest that you start this essay with a description of your reaction when you heard that your father had diabetes or your uncle had Parkinson's, and how the diseases changed their lives and made you want to become a researcher. Then explain that you want to join the program to cure people suffering from diseases.

(Keep in mind, though, that if the program you are applying to is medicine-related, then probably every student applying wants to help people suffering from diseases.)

Undergraduate / I hope to refine my Italian; Portland- Lewis&Clark TRANSFER [3]

How did you first learn about Lewis & Clark?

During the summer, I watched a short documentary on Portland and was immediately attracted to the culture of the city-Voodoo's Doughnut shop, the Portland Art Museum, and the Rose Garden. I decided to look into schools in the area. Through an online search, I took an immediate interest in Lewis & Clark College.

Good! Although I don't really think they'll be ranking this one...

In approximately 250 words, please provide a statement reflecting on your interest in enrolling in Lewis and Clark College.

Hidden among the green trees and brick architecture, sitting in Portland's southwest hills, my dream school awaits me: Lewis & Clark College. The charming and beautiful scenery remains inconsequential compared to the number of reasons that motivate me to attend L&C.(The fact that you mentioned its scenery says that it does matter to you, and your other reasons show that the scenery isn't your only reason for going, so you don't really need this sentence.) After transitioning from a small high school to a large university, I knew that I wanted to be part of a small community once again. I was immediately drawn to small L&C because of its size, its emphasis on creative application, and its overseas opportunities. Attending a project-based high school taught me to constantly ask, "How can I apply this ____ to the real world?" (Maybe I'm misunderstanding you. Did the high school's approach to learning teach you to think about how knowledge could be applied to the real world, or were you dissatisfied with the fact that your school's curriculum didn't apply to the real world?) I value L&C's liberal arts curriculum because it embodies what I envision in my dream college: an education that connects theoretical knowledge with hands-on application (There's a difference between a liberal arts curriculum, which just strives to teach you many subjects, and an emphasis on hands-on application.) . Embodying this principle , I hope to refine my Italian and apply my knowledge of the language through the study-abroad program. I hope to achieve a well-rounded education that allows me to explore interests aside from my major. I hope to represent myself with an education from L&C.(This last sentence sounds a little strange to me.)

I like it, but I think you could elaborate more on specific courses that you are interested in, or activities that you would like to join. Explain also why you want a small community?

Book Reports / Critical Analysis about Family Dynamics in "the Metamorphosis" [7]

In the story "The Meatmorphosis, " Franz Kafka abruptlydescribes the life of the protagonist, Gregor Samsa,and his family after Gregor randomly transforms into a giant insect in bed and the subsequent events in the family. In this story,The main characters of this short story are Gregor; Gregor's sister, Grete; and Gregor's father, Mr. Samsa. The family dynamics among these three characters is interesting and intricate.(Does this essay require a thesis? If so, I am assuming that this is it, in which case, it needs to say more. Why is it interesting and intricate? Can you summarize the family dynamic in one sentence?)Despite Gregor's unexplained transformation, he only worries about pleasing his family and desires to return to his job so he can continue to support them.His absence from the family causes Grete to change from a childish, dependent, and submissive girl to a mature, responsible, and assertive woman . However , her new adult nature changes her attitude towards Gregor also changes from one of pity to one of resentment. Gregor's father Mr. Samsa,who is a harsh and ruthless throughout the story , considers the new Gregor a burden and often attacks him . Therefore, I totally agree with Nabokov's opinion that "Gregor is a human being in an insect's disguise; his family are insects disguised as people" (280). (Explain your interpretation of this quote.)

Gregor Samsa, the protagonist of the story, is a responsible and hard-working young man. His appearance as a large dung beetle does not diminish his internal human conscience;. Although he has transformed into an insect, he still retains humanity.he can still think and talk. To readers' surprise, when he realizes that he has transformed in to an insect, he feels calm and does not look for ways to fix this problem. He never complains about his misfortune and still wants to go back to his job as a traveling salesman position, pays his father's debt, and his role as the bread-winner for his family.

From here on, you go into this long summary of the whole story. If this is a critical analysis, you should only focus on the parts of the story that show Gregor's relationship with his family, then explain how they support the statement that Gregor is a human in an insect's disguise. Remember, even though you want to show that Gregor is generally still a human, your entire essay is about family dynamics. So you want to make the claim that Gregor is a human because he is capable of love and is selflessly thinking of his family.

Undergraduate / My friend Roberto & his sense of humor; DESCRIBE A PERSON [3]

Roberto and I have been close friends for over five years. Physically, he is slim and of average height, though he is tall compared to me. He has light brown eyes, short and straight hair, fair skin, and thin lips. He also has an ear piercing, a nose piercing, and a tattoo that quotes his favorite song. What I love most about Roberto is his sense of humor. He's a very positive and optimistic person. He's sociable, amusing, lively, and always displays a great attitude. He constantly brings out the best in me by being positive and cheerful. Overall, we share many hobbies and opinions, which is why we remain very close friends. In fact, he can always tell that I'm lying even if I keep a straight face! I don't know how he does it, but I'm never bored when I spend time with him. Altogether, I'm very lucky to have a friend like Roberto. I hope life never separates us.

Very good!

Book Reports / Critical Analysis about Family Dynamics in "the Metamorphosis" [7]

Then since your time is limited (Sorry that this is so late, by the way), I would just adjust the first two paragraphs and make sure you state somewhere in your essay what your definitions of "human" and "insect" are. Are you saying that the family is acting like insects because they are using him and feeding off of him like insects do? Or are you saying that they are like insects because they don't care about him? I think once you do that, your other paragraphs will be OK.

Undergraduate / BAD History - Explaining Academic Dismissal [10]

With two jobs and a full academic schedule to provide for my family,

Working two jobs to support my family, as well having as a full academic schedule,

A lesson that has always stuck to me was that, to have the courage to continue when you think you have nothing left, will determine who you will become.

A lesson that has always stuck with me was that having the courage to continue, even when you think you have nothing left, will determine who you become.

Looks good otherwise!

Undergraduate / "INFLUENCING PEOPLE WITH MY QUIRKY, CREATIVE IDEAS"/ Statement of Purpose/UTEXAS [3]

The advertising program at University of Texas is widely recognized and highly esteemed . However, I do not admire the program because of its ranking or number of alumni and faculty that have received ADDYs and Art Director Club cubes butadmire the program mainly because its faculty has positively influenced the world with their creativity . I would like to learn from their experiences while creating my own. I want to transfer to the University of Austin's advertising program because I will not be given a strict path to follow;instead, I will have numerous enhancement programs and a plethora of electives to equip me with the knowledge to becoming an exceptional creative director. Becoming a Longhorn and being a part of the university's advertising program will help me execute the ideas in my "One Of These Days" composition notebook.I look forward to the University of Texasenabling me to yell "Eureka!" as it leads me to the best ways to influence people with my ideas.

Undergraduate / my journey to happiness ; VCU PERSONAL STATEMENT [3]

You write very well, but the essay asks you to write about yourself. All I've learned about you after reading this essay is that you really want to go to VCU, and that you were once extremely insecure but managed to find the confidence to pursue your dreams. That's good, but I don't know what you want to major in at VCU or what you want to be when you grow up or what clubs you would be interested in joining. I think you should still include more about why you want to go to VCU,

Undergraduate / I want to go further- What inspired you to study @U Toronto [4]

You mean what I think of your essay overall? Overall, I think it's a solid essay that's really clear and well-written, but you need to be more specific about what made you want to become an engineer and why you want to go to the University of Toronto.

Undergraduate / Large class sizes & rare relationships / TRANSFER Objectives [6]

I like it! Your writing style manages to be both engaging and eloquent; it sounds very natural. The only thing I would suggest is getting more specific in your final paragraph. Why do you want to go to this college? What courses, activities, and opportunities does it offer that you are interested in, and how do you know that this one will offer you a genuine college experience?

Undergraduate / "My parents instilled the idea of open mindedness" ;Transfer Reasons & Objectives [2]

I like your last paragraph a lot! Overall, I think your essay looks really good. Maybe for a nice conclusion you could move this sentence:


to the end and add something like, "I cannot think of a better place to begin my adventures than [name of college]." to wrap it up.

Best of luck!

Undergraduate / FUTURE OF CHINA'S ECONOMY; TRANSFER [7]

It looks good to me. You should just elaborate more on why you are so interested in this new field of study, and what you hope to accomplish at a new school.

Undergraduate / "Why haven't we gone to Japan?"; ADMISSIONS PAPER FOR STUDY ABROAD IN JAPAN. [3]

I don't know if you already submitted this, but these are just a few stylistic things. Content-wise I have no complaints. You come across as very driven and determined, as well as independent and good at getting things done. Obviously, one would have to look at academic credentials and things like that to determine how likely you are to get into the program, but based on this essay, I'd admit you, although you might want to talk about how you would use what you learned abroad to benefit your community.

Undergraduate / A troubled teenager; Person who had an impact on my life [5]

I like your story, but I feel like you're kind of scraping at the surface of this prompt. Most parents impact their children and teach them things, work hard to provide for them, etc. Could you recall a specific instance where your mother helped you with something or made you rethink something, or changed your perspective on something in a way that shaped who you are today?

Undergraduate / UCF's Famous "bump in the road" Essay [3]

Your story gave me chills, and you write very well. There are some things I would add to make your story a little clearer, though.

I think you could explain more how your father's abuse was an obstacle for you, and how you learned to adapt to life without him, and what you've learned from your mother that you will take with you to college and beyond.