Undergraduate / Personal Statement for Homeland Security Graduate School; I never desired to have such career [3]

This is a very engaging essay, and your passion for homeland security is very evident. I have no complaints. Best of luck!

... I cultivated since fifth grade and was working toward achieving.
... was new to the school and had come from a management background.
Every class, she would bring in HSEM pamphlets and place ...
I do not know why; I like to say it was because this is what I wanted to do subconsciously, although I think I just took it out of sympathy.

As a result, I made HSEM my minor.

... job was to study Terrorism and Counterterrorism. The books were bogged down with terms such as "eco-terrorists" and "religious extremists." I did not understand most of them at the beginning. Not to mention, my professor was Dr. Who, a former ...

... by the second week of class, I was now the only female.

I became more assertive, making sure to raise my hand ...
By the end of the semester, I was not only (...) was but also write the research paper ...
... I would probably be in the gender minority and I welcomed the challenge .
...
00 the process have become enraptured by it .

What interests me most about Homeland Security is ...
... people commit egregious acts towards others ranging from power to control to economic hardships.In analyzing these reasons, preventative strategies ...

... because it only toughens my resolve to get it right the next time. I enjoy the pounding of my heart when I have to make (...) a complete failure, as I can always learn from my mistakes.

... that arise from acts of terrorism or all disasters that may involve the loss of life or property, or may affect governmental continuity.
... as I can to prepare, protect, prevent, and recover from disasters.
... Security from Anti-Terrorism University;it would allow me (...) terrorism and counter-terrorism , governmental policies, and the ethical issues. Seeing that the university has classes such as "Violence, Threats, Terror, and Insurgency" (...) in the curriculum, I am positive that this is ...

Scholarship / I see trends and I see fads; Questbridge Common App [3]

Very well-written! I would say this essay better falls under the second prompt, because it's more of "a concept you have learned about that intellectually excites you" than an experience. Best of luck!

Writing Feedback / Affirmative Action desperately needs a face lift!: Essay on a Political Issue [5]

You argued your point very well. But even though you included your personal opinion, it still came off as more of a research paper than a personal essay. Supporting example of the Supreme Court case was good. But I think you should write about your own personal experiences with discrimination, breaking away from stereotypes, or Affirmative Action, or experiences that your friends and family have had.

Undergraduate / Road to success; "How can you benefit from the education at AUC?" [3]

The Road to Success

To be honest, you would not win an award for most convincing essay. It sounds to me like you have not put much thought into how you will be able to benefit from AUC. For most of your reasons, you can literally substitute any college name in for AUC and have it work. The things you wrote about your desire to pursue Computer Engineering were good, but we need more of it. Does AUC offer computer programming courses? Does it give you research opportunities or does it focus more on lectures, and from your high school experience, which kind helps you learn better? What does AUC offer that no other college does? And many, many other colleges have a high-quality education, a good reputation, and well-trained professors.

Undergraduate / Answeres for Common App prompts- KU International Summer Campus [3]

That can be one factor that influenced your decision, if you phrase it correctly (emphasizing that you know there are things you, your family, and American society in general can learn from other cultures and using the community structure as an example), but what are you going to do in the program that is interesting to you? You could vacation in Korea and experience their community. Are you going to take courses at a Korean school? Are you going to get to do community service, or stay with a Korean family, or have the opportunity to explore the city? What are you majoring in, and how will studying abroad help you academically?

Undergraduate / I'd like to become a Performer Entrepreneur; NYU/Statement of Intent [4]

Once my passion for the genre was reestablished, I remembered why I was in love, because of its lyrics and production. It was then that I felt the need to contribute to the genre by creating music of my own .

At school, I spent my lunch periods analyzing the lyrics of some of Hip-Hop's most prominent figures: Eminem, Nas, Rakim, Kool G Rap, and Biggie, just to name a few.

Today, I have grown as a lyricist, but in order for me to be a successful entrepreneur, I must learn more about the business and production aspects of the industry. I have spent some time educating myself about the two subjects, but I have never had any actual experience. [I think you might need some kind of conclusion, maybe connecting your desire for education in those areas to your desire to go to NYU. Maybe "It is my hope that NYU, I will be able to..."]

Looks good!

Essays / "What success means to you & how Endicott will contribute to your future";Need Advice [4]

I assume that you want to be successful in wherever you end up in life. Write about what you want to do for a career. Then write about what part of your career will make you feel most successful. This can be--and this also works if you don't know what you want to be when you grow up--whether you want to help people, make a lot of money, step out of your comfort zone invent something new, etc. And then write how Endicott will help you accomplish the things you want to accomplish.

Undergraduate / Focus on creating the well-rounded entrepreneur :Why Clive Davis I of Recorded Music? [3]

I also do not have much experience in the studio either.

The course I am most interested in though is Jamaica, and I cannot wait to sit in the front row of Vivien Goldman's class.

Looks great!

Undergraduate / I will grow, learn, and become successful; Transfer- Why Connecticut College? [3]

4. Additionally, though the opportunity to connect with my peers is important to me, having a unique bond with my professors is essential. At a university where the student-faculty ratio is 9:1, professors will know me by my name and will have every desire for me to succeed.

3. Shrouded by the nature and enveloped by a pristine, beautiful campus,Connecticut College stands above the rest. With its New England charm, collective community, and copious diversity within the student body, Connecticut College appeals to me in ways other universities cannot.

I can clearly see my last few years of college at this university, where I will grow, learn, and become successful in my career path in Psychology .

In the end, the format is your decision. Your reason's aren't very creative, but they are solid and say an adequate amount about you. Best of luck.

Undergraduate / Perfect opportunity; Motivation letter for student exchange program [3]

Honestly, saying that you want to use a college's money to learn another language is not a very good reason for going on an exchange program when yours already offers language courses. What country are you interested in studying in? What kind of job do you want to have? What can you learn in that country that will help you with a job?

Book Reports / About the novel A thousand splendid Suns - Rights of Women [8]

Whether it is due to gender inequality , the Taliban's laws, or marital rape, the women of A Thousand Splendid Suns are living innever-ending horror to which they must endure to survive .

Undergraduate / A troubled teenager; Person who had an impact on my life [5]

I don't think your essay will be checked unless some red flags pop up. If your story matches your life and your level and style of writing seems normal for your age, then I doubt that people will think you plagiarized it. Especially if your author name is your real name.

Writing Feedback / "Pain is not a pleasant feeling" ; Analyzing the concept "PAIN" [6]

I don't really know what kind of help you are looking for, but this was a very interesting essay to read. However, it does not have a thesis, and it has only a vague sense of organization. You kind of start and end with how people react to other people's pain, but you don't really elaborate on that. Then you go into how physical pain can lead to emotional pain, which can lead to spiritual pain. That was cool, but then you kind of got stuck on the spiritual pain part. Do you think that is the most important kind of pain to deal with? You also briefly mention the suffering person's family, but don't say much on that either.

Undergraduate / May is the fifth month of the year; Why number five is important? [6]

It's a good response, but I think you can get a little more creative than listing a bunch of things that come in fives or have five sides... Or at least name more than just the five senses, the pentagon and star, and $5.

Undergraduate / I started my college career 20 years ago; Nursing application essay [5]

I think at the end would be best.

Letters / Brief Description of my career (iOS Developer) [4]

My name is Carlos __________ [You should probably include a last name]. I am an iOS Developer with three years of commercial experience and experience in distributing iOS Apps.

I have worked with Basic Cocoa Touch Frameworks and other frameworks such as MapKit and Core Location, Sqlite. I have worked with all kinds of communication methods such as HTTP request, web service Restful. and web service SOAP; we used JSON for both projects. You can review my CV at:

I am currently living in London and would like to know if there are any vacancies in your company.

Please, for further information contact me at :

Scholarship / Courage to Grow. The Essay wants to know why i deserve the scholarship. Max 250 words [5]

This is a good start, but there are some things that need more explanation, as well as some things that can be taken out. I would shift the focus of this essay from your mother and her accomplishments to you and yours, because the essay is asking why you deserve the scholarship.

Scholarship / "Practice makes perfect"; Academic achievements,merits, become ambassador,plans after [2]

I think these answers are pretty solid.

For #2, just make sure that you've covered all of the "merits" you've achieved ("non-academic achievements to date, these could be from your working life, extra-curricular achievements such as success in sport or music, work in the community or achievements gained from managing events or societies")

For #3, you did a good job of answering the part of the question about what qualities you have. However, the prompt also asks, "How would you undertake this role?" so be sure to answer that too.

I don't have any problems with #4; the answer flows nicely and answers the question completely in my opinion.

Good luck!

Scholarship / What constitutes a challenge?; The James Rhio O'Connor Scholarship [2]

This was a very good essay, but I think you need to answer the question "What constitutes a challenge?", answer those questions you had in your introduction a little more clearly somewhere in this essay.

Writing Feedback / Lord Arragorn has returned short story. [2]

It is an engaging read, but it gets kind of confusing after the narrator gets hacked and shot. I thought that he/she became a ghost or something, and I don't know how he/she is still alive. Also, the second paragraph is a very, very close imitation of Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire, when Wormtail reincarnates Lord Voldemort. I guess that's what you were trying to do, but it kind of messes up the flow between the part you made up and the second part...

Essays / WHY ANTICIPATE OVER TOMORROW? [4]

Tomorrow will bring a better day.
It's all in God's hands
So why worry about what the future has in store for you?
The moment is all you've got
Spend the moment lavishly so that the future won't come as a surprise to you.

Writing Feedback / Psychological Effects of War on Soldiers [4]

I'm not a grad student or a professor, so take my edits and comments with a grain of salt!

Very touching essay. You definitely have no problems with personal ethos, and your organization and content were brilliant. Grammar issues are minor. Best of luck, and thank you so much for your service.

Graduate / Dreams; What matters most/ Stanford MBA [4]

Overall, this is a pretty good essay, but the question is asking you about what matters most to you. You say "dreams," but you don't even tell readers what your dreams are.

[I think the second paragraph is a better place to start; you don't really need an introduction, and this paragraph is a little hard to understand.]

[You can't just include a random quote in this essay without stating who said it, and in my opinion, you shouldn't put quotes at the end of an essay anyway.]

Undergraduate / I'd like to be a part of NUS; Appeal Essay for University [4]

I would really like to be part of NUS. Even though my GPA did not meet the mark for the entrance for my intended course of study, I feel that I would still be an asset to NUS with my leadership skills and passion to serve the community.

I have volunteered to join (organisation abc), which is a youth-led organisation supported by (a government statutory board). Currently, I am the Head of Welfare. Being in this organization made me think deeply about my life and desire to help others, including people close to me. My brother was diagnosed with schizophrenia, and I know how it feels like to be clueless and unsure of how to react. With this, I believe that with my experiences and knowledge of peer support, not only will I be an asset to NUS, but to my peers and the community as well. In addition, I would also like to do more research on mental health, (delete comma) so that I can better understand my brother's conditioneven better and help others out there who are facing similar circumstances.

I hope to be granted an interview to discuss how my talents can be of value.

Sounds good to me! Best of luck.

Undergraduate / To obtain my associates degree in Liberal Arts, military background - admission [6]

I intend to attend The Art Institute of Tennessee-Nashville and obtain an Associate's Degree in Culinary Arts.After I earn my degree, I plan to work in a fabulous restaurant and, from there,work towards owning my own upscale soul food restaurant .

Graduate / Essay for Masters in Accounting - Factors for Job Choice, Challenge, & Success Reason [3]

Beautifully written, and I feel that you answered the questions clearly and thoroughly. My only suggestion would be to explain a little more what the challenge of prompt II was, the initial situation or implementing the more efficient data uploading process. You did a good job of covering your reaction to the challenge, but I don't really understand why missing a deadline was a challenging situation (although I have zero business knowledge, so take that with a grain of salt!)

Writing Feedback / I'm a mechanical engineer; Academic background and work experience [3]

I am a mechanical engineer. I had been trained regularly and methodically in the mechanical branch at the University of Transport and Communications . I graduated on October8 , 2010. I have been working for PHU Machinery, LTD. for two years and two months. There, I work in the mechanical workshop and solve any problems occurring within the company. The first eight months, I was responsible for supervising repair works, which includes analyzing and judging specifically daily works for quality, as well asrating progress and workers' labour attitudes . I also found out and createdmaintenance processes for mechanical equipment . To elaborate, I created effective maintenance processes for the most important equipment,a few of which were tailored for equipment working in extremely hot environments . Finally,I created the enclosed repair processes for all important equipment, which are difficult to dismount, when necessary.

Grammar, Usage / 'Class who is absent..' - Which is more appropriate to say? [14]

Definitely "Class, who is absent today?" "Class, do we have absent today?" is not grammatically correct at all.

I don't know how it works in college classrooms, but high school teachers usually have a list of names that they will read. People who are in class will raise their hand or say, "Here" or "Present." So teachers don't ask who is not there; they ask who is there. I don't know if students will be able to identify all the students that are not there.

Graduate / Statement of Intent for MSc Control Systems/University of Calgary [2]

Maybe this will make it a little clearer?

My primary interest in control techniques was developed through various projects and my professional experience, as I seek to encounter and solve real-world problems.

Writing Feedback / Are rich people generally more happy than poor people? [5]

I'd just Google search "Wealth and happiness" and use what you find to develop an argument. I'd argue that there's a medium income range that brings the greatest amount of happiness. You'd have to discuss why extreme poverty would make people unhappy, as well as why extreme wealth might not lead to happiness.

Graduate / I believe this is the right time in my career to pursue a Masters degree in Public Health - SoP [4]

[India has changed tremendously in terms of technology and social reform in the last couple of decades.However , India's health services still need to be systematized and made more accessible to all strata of society . The second most populated country in the world finds it difficult to control epidemics;this is largely due to unpreparedness on part of the health authorities.]

I really have no complaints! This was very well-written and engaging. The only thing I would say is that your opening sentences (the bracketed paragraph) seems a little out-of-place. The paragraph about swine flu's impact on your country would make a very powerful opening. I'd suggest switching the first two paragraphs. Also, you present a problem (unpreparedness of health authorities); I feel like that's what you hope to solve with your studying Public Health, but you should state that in the paragraph.

Graduate / A great journey began when I was 8 years old; Statement of Purpose [5]

A great journey began when I was eight years old.It started the moment I first set my hands on a computer. [Describe what you did with the computer that first time.]

I find computers very interesting. I enjoy them , learn from them , explore them, and spend a lot of time with them.With the help of computers, I can predict the future and try to see the invisible[Why do you want to predict the future? And what invisible things are you trying to see?]I realized that the world of technology develops faster than any other world;it is a world whereideasand innovations grow more rapidly than even inventions. So I decided to make computers my passion, and I obtained my Bachelor's degree in Computer Science .

In college, I was naturally interested in exploring computer science further and sharpening my logic skills. I have been working in this area for almost four years. I really enjoyed my studies and seriously want to learn everything related to computers . My main desire is to make useful computer software that simplifies people's lives .

While I was still a student, I served as an assistant to my college's sophomores.In my fifth semester, I thought[This is the wrong word; can you clarify what you mean?] Object Oriented Programming Language and Client Server. I really enjoyed it because it was an opportunity to learn how to interact with , influence, and teach people. [How did you interact, influence, and teach people?]As I learn and explore computer science, it has changed my way of thinking, I frequently implement the analytic skills I have gained in every problem that I face so I could consider all the possibilities of a situation, not only the advantages but also the consequences .

After earning my Master's degree,I plan to pursue a PhD . From there , I will likely pursue my next dream of becoming an entrepreneur.In this profession, I will make all of my great ideas a reality;I will be quick to make,quick to serve.

I look forward to continuing my research career as a PhD student. Above are a few of the problems that motivate me;I plan to continue working on them . In addition, as has happened frequently at MIT, interacting with members of your theory group and experienced professors will give me an invaluable opportunity to broaden my horizons and work in many research areas. Given my background, I believe I am in a good position to make a crucial contribution in such pursuits.

Scholarship / I have a strong desire for Geophysics; personal statement [2]

Maybe you could talk about your interest in the environment or the earth as a child and any other factors besides your high school classes that made you interested in the field. Or how you came to discover Geophysics at all.

Scholarship / 'following through with hard work' - why do you deserve this sponsorship? [4]

I deserve this sponsorship because I will work hard and do whatever it takes to achieve my dreams and goals. I trust in myself and believe that this sponsorship will be the foundation I need to build a better me.This scholarship will enable to become an inspiration for others through my academic success.

You need to be a little more specific about what your dreams and goals actually are, and why you want to achieve them so badly. How will the scholarship "build a better you"? What specifically will the scholarship be paying for? These are all questions you should be answering through your paragraph.

Scholarship / "Like a bird in a cage , you are nothing without a good education" ; SCHOLARSHIP [4]

I don't know if it's too late to help some more, but...

You will be like a bird in a cage without a good education.

and

That was my first obstacle in college; shortly after, my grandfather died. His death was very hard for me to cope with, but I vowed to honor his memory.

Scholarship / Need help understanding the questions for a scholarship; AUSAID SCHOLARSHIP [6]

I don't know what scholarship this is, but it sounds like you are supposed to have some kind of mentor or referee. He or she is supposed to answer this question and write about what parts of the program would require education, training, or skills/knowledge you don't already have.

Scholarship / 'following through with hard work' - why do you deserve this sponsorship? [4]

I am worthy of this tuition and maintenance sponsorship because I will work hard and do whatever it takes to achieve my goal of furthering my education.I dream of being able to impact my country through academic excellence. [But how will you use academic excellence to impact your country? Lots of people get good grades and don't impact their country. What will you do with your education? What do you want to study in college and what career do you want?] I trust in myself and believe that this sponsorship will be the foundation I need to pursue my vision . [What is your vision?]This scholarship will enable to become an inspiration for others through my academic success.

You still are not clear enough.

Scholarship / 'The Sun and the Sea' - My parents have taught me not to give up; QuestBridge [5]

I agree that this essay is a little vague, even though it is written very well.

Your goal is to discuss 1. factors and challenges that impacted you while you grew up and 2. how they shaped your personal life, aspirations, and growth. You focus on a factor, the way your country neglects the needs of people with mental health problems. The story about the woman is attention-grabbing, but you need to write more about how your native country treats the mentally ill in general. Also, you don't really elaborate on how this setting shaped you. Are you interested in pursuing a career in mental health? Do you want to go into public health and solve the negligence that is happening in your country? What clubs or classes have you taken in high school that support these interests?

You also discuss a challenge, moving to America. Write more about the language barrier; what language did you speak? Were there people to interpret for you? What parts of American culture are different from your country's? How did you and your family cope? You did a fairly good job describing what you felt during this time. But then suddenly, you connect it back to your memory of the woman, and the connection is pretty weak. I guess you want to say that you felt the same frustration and confusion both that day and when you were in America; you should make this idea clearer. Then you mention how you decided to stand up for the things you believed in and make lemonade out of lemons. How did you do this after you encountered the woman, and how did you do this after you came to America? Drawing these connections in your essay will make it much less vague.

Letters / Research and development section - Cover letter for job - correct grammatical errors [2]

Dear Hiring Manager ,

My name is xxxx, and I am writing to explore the possibility of joining xxxxas a xxxx.I desire to work in the research and development section so I can best support the company's organization goals.[Just to clarify, there is an organization, which is pretty much the same as a company. And then there is organization, which is making things organized. Are you talking about supporting the organization's goals, or just the company's goals related to being organized?] I am currently working as a xxxx at xxxx University.

As a chemist,I have experience in synthesizing and interpreting moleculesthrough analytical methods such as xxxx, xxxx and xxxx. I believe that my excellence in xxxx synthesis and strong leadership qualities such as xxxxx,xxxxxand xxxx would meet the organization's requirements. Additionally, I have company experience in contract research from India's reputed organization xxxx, wherein I achieved several target-oriented syntheses and worked both independently and on a team.

[ A copy of my curriculum vitae, including a brief summary of my research, is enclosed for your consideration.]The curriculum vitae will provide you with more detailed information about my research,which would help the organizationcomplete challenging tasks . Therefore, I ask you to consider me for a scientist position within your organization,and I would be very grateful if you would grant me such an opportunity . Next week, I will call you to find out the possibility of job openings for my credentials and set up an interview, if possible.

Thank you very much for your consideration. I look forward to a favorable reply.

Sincerely,
xxxx

Graduate / Success only happens when you've moved up from your starting point; CASPA [8]

Crash and burn, collapse, letdown.Whatever you call it, it's failure. Success only happens when you have moved up from your starting point. [I'm confused about what this has to do with you wanting to be a Physician Assistant.]

[While the first sentence of the following paragraph really captures my attention, I found myself wanting a little more background. Who did you live with? What was your home life like? Why were you able to "throw your life away"?]