Undergraduate / LAST DAY AT HIGH SCHOOL; KENYON SUPP [4]

The essay content is good provided the prompt does not request a do-over situation because of a mistake.

Undergraduate / UK PERSONAL STATEMENT BIOMEDICAL SCIENCES (Ethiopia tutoring and other countries) [6]

My comments appear in bold.

I am determined to make a meaningful difference on people's life. At first I wanted to be like my dad - broadly working for social justice, equality and peace, and then I wanted to be a lawyer specifically to speak up for the voiceless. However, after my internship at Aga Khan University Hospital in Nairobi, Kenya, I was left with the undisputable aspiration to become a medical doctor. Now, my academic interests have focused on biomedical sciences.

Comments on first paragraph - Making a difference is inherently meaningful. This personal statement is about your current vision, not your past visions [deleted second sentence]. Consider rephrasing the statement regarding your "indisputable aspiration". Aspiration is one of the most overused words when it comes to admissions essays.

During the summer of 2012, I researched under the supervision of the Kenya Medical Research Institute. The topic of choice was the antimicrobial property of plant extracts, derived from traditional medicinal practices in Ethiopia. The results were interesting in that they provided me with an insight to the possibility of Ethiopian medicine. It was fascinating to find out that one of the plant extracts inhibited the growth of bacteria.

This research showed me the potential of traditional medicine for scientific discoveries and instigated my desire to further explore the discipline of Biomedical Sciences. My long-term plan with the education I hope to receive is to give back to my community--to hold a vaccination drive in rural and urban parts of Ethiopia, and educate the people of diseases that are preventable and, depending on the results of my research, encourage or discourage traditional medicinal practices.

Notes - Your extended essay is not relevant to your medical research. If for some reason it is, make it evident to your reader. Researched is a stronger term than "carried out research". "Research" should be lowercase. The last two sentences are redundant. I get nothing out of the two sentences other than you thought the research was fascinating/interesting (same thing). Elaborate upon your research. Did you collaborate with local scientists, other students, etc.? Incorporate some sort of story that shows more than just a trip to Ethiopia/Kenya in which you learned about a new plant.

My dedication to community service as President of the school club (which club?) has taught me that the ability to make a positive difference on people's lives is the greatest gift of all. I want to explore the medical field in order to relieve others of pain.It saddens me to witness people in distress as seen firsthand from my work experience.

Notes - You have already notified the reader of your desire to help others.

I have held the position of Prefect for four consecutive years. Initially I was shocked when I was nominated prefect in year 10. I had always thought myself an introvert lacking the skills of a leader until one teacher described me as an individual who "silently breaks down social barriers of the status quo". I then realized my leadership potential-- that I can inspire my peers for change and to contribute towards the common good. This lesson will persevere me during my biomedical studies

Notes - Do you want the reader to know that you doubt your abilities until someone proves otherwise? Additionally, that paragraph simply tells of accomplishments. Your reader is looking for specific examples, not just statements (that anyone can make). To improve upon your idea, describe a time in which you inspired someone to change the world. As of now, your statement is very hard to believe, so a specific example is necessary.

Out of class, I have an unwavering love for football and have played as a midfielder for my high school and college team. This has taught me the importance of commitment and teamwork. Furthermore I have served as both a delegate for eight years and more recently an ambassador for the East African Model United Nations. This in particular was an important activity for me as it helped overcome my fear of public speech forcing me to go out of my comfort zone. From these activities I believe I can work well as part of a laboratory team, and any fears I may regarding coursework to research I know I can overcome.

Notes - How did you learn commitment and teamwork? While it is great that you can speak in public and go out of your comfort zone, how does that relate to a skill necessary to a laboratory team?

Last Christmas I climbed Mt. Kilimanjaro. From this I learnt that setting goals involves a great responsibility and creates a strong desire to fulfill them. More importantly, overcoming great hardship leads to immense satisfaction; the power to overcome an obstacle enables one to persevere through more difficult challenges and achieve greater triumphs. This lesson will guide me throughout college where I plan to be fearless in my choice of classes, apply for seemingly difficult internships, join student groups and engage in extramural activities outside of my comfort zone, all in the quest to be daring and expand my horizons.

Notes - I expect a story about climbing a mountain. Instead, I see several general of statements that everyone already knows. If you'd like to implement this idea within your essay, I would suggest that you delineate how your Mt. Kilimanjaro experience taught you something about life. I would eliminate the sentence regarding your intention to be fearless and go above and beyond, as all students are expected to do this at a college/university level.

Being an IB student has enabled me to be a well rounded student, I have pushed myself to take 4 higher levels and do well, and so I believe that can handle university life and the pressure of a demanding curriculum and course load. Taking both Biology and Chemistry at HL has been fascinating. I am especially eager for our next topic of Human Biochemistry and Drugs. Biology in particular was such a contrast from IGCSE's, the classes were engaging in the sense that we brought out real life situations and discussed them as controversial issues - a woman being cured of aids after a bone marrow transplant, the ethics involved in cloning humans and many more. I'm captivated by the body and its functions - to know the theory behind our bodily systems. This course will continue my enthrallment with biomedical sciences and enable me to go onto study postgraduate medicine and will help me make an enlightened decision of which field to specialize in.

Notes - While it's great that you love pushing yourself and studying biochemistry, simply stating your enjoyment of the topic is not good enough. Each student that applies to study a particular field is expected to enjoy it.

Having lived in the UK for primary school, and moved to several places since, the UK has been the ideal location for college through it all. Besides the outstanding education system and weather that somehow I found pleasant then, the UK is at the centre of biomedical research and medical advances.

Notes - The fact that you intend on studying at an institution in the UK affirms your belief that it is the best. This paragraph is redundant.

Overall Comments - I think you need to re-write your essay in order to better show the qualities and characteristics that you claim to possess. Right now, your essay simply tells. To me, you seem like a lucky individual blessed with many travel opportunities. The admissions officer needs to see you as an individual dedicated to bettering the (medical) world. They need to see specific examples that SHOW how you will be able to effectively utilize the education they provide as a stepping stone to a future career.

In order to restructure and recreate your essay, I would follow an outline similar to this:

Introduction - Share a specific story that affirms your desire to help others. Where did this desire arise from?

Example 1 - Show how you helped others (Specific example)

Example 2 - Same

Example 3 - Same

The reader will now know exactly why you have a desire to help others as well as an understanding of how you are capable of achieving that. Simply stating a desire is not enough. You must supply evidence.

Section - How you will use the institutions education as a stepping stone to your future life goals

State your specific goals in life - if you follow the idea of setting up some sort of vaccination center in Africa, what do you need to know in order to accomplish that?

For each piece of knowledge that you can implement in the future, give a brief discussion of what you can do at the institution in order to acquire this knowledge. Your statement here should be more than "I will take this class". It should be something like "I will take this class and collaborate with professors that are working on a task beneficial to my future. I will share my knowledge with others that are already working upon an idea that I plan to participate in in the future"

Conclusion - Restate how you are committed to help others as well as how the institution's education is the route to your helping of others.

Good luck! Be sure to SHOW, not TELL. If you revise your essay further, re-post it so we can comment upon it.

Writing Feedback / expression of one's belief should not be refrained; freedom for artists [4]

This is a rather tricky topic to write about. I'm not sure why a learning institution would like to know a particular political stance that you have (especially when that stance is most likely similar to that of others.. who doesn't support freedom of expression?).

I feel like there might a right way to answer this question. The learning institution may be looking to see that your beliefs align with theirs. Perhaps you could research the university in order to locate content that should exist in a superior answer.

While I thoroughly dislike the question, there are a few ways in which you can improve your existing essay.

Note that the prompt requests examples. I see no specific examples in your essay - you only included personal commentary.


I personally do not find that argument valid. You seem to be supporting a government's suppression of revolutionary ideas.


Thesaurus overload! Recapitulate means "surrender again" and refrained is a verb - you are using it is a noun. Just put this last paragraph into plain, intelligent English. Let your content, not your superfluous wording, make you look intelligent.

I feel bad for you. The essay prompt is rough. Make sure to give examples through a well-structured, strongly opinionated essay.

Good luck! If you have any additional information to share, or if you have revised your essay, please re-post it!

Undergraduate / I had finished the first episode of my life; SOP [5]

I feel that you have the writing skills required to craft a spectacular essay. However, you need to focus on showing more than telling. As of now, your essay is more of a list of achievements. Content like this belongs in a resume, not an essay. An essay should show traits or characteristics. Think about how many fellow students you know that have the same academic achievements as you. What sets you apart? Do you have a particular goal in life that you can achieve by using education in the UK as a stepping stone? While it is okay to mention achievements, the bulk of your essay should discuss an overall life plan you have whose success is facilitated by an extensive amount of computer science knowledge.

I love the quote you mentioned at the end of your essay; however, I think it would work better as an introduction. After mentioning the quote, discuss your plan for saving society. Provide examples that prove you have what it takes to achieve your goals (personality traits). Show how you will use the education that you will receive if accepted in order to facilitate your plan to help society with your computer science skills.

Essentially, you need to shift your essay from a list of accomplishments to a great plan that happens to include education your university of choice. While a university can easily deny the application of an intelligent individual, it is much harder (if not impossible) to deny the application of an intelligent, motivated individual who has one-of-a-kind goals and aspirations.

Instead of stating the completion of your first episode of life, say that you have completed the first part of some sort of master plan.

Set yourself apart from the crowd. I know you can do it.

Here are a few minor changes that I think could improve upon the existing content you have, provided you include it within the next revision of your essay.


Remove "ranked first in academics across India". The fact that you came from a superior school is irrelevant to you as a person. While the transformation of computer size is fascinating, it seems as if you are attributing the change in size to a change in the programming language. The change in computer size is due to hardware, not computer code. Rephrase this a bit, and if it works well in a revised essay utilizing my advice above, feel free to implement it.

Solid essay so far. Just remember that there are so many aspiring computer scientists who have the exact same academic record as you do. In such a highly competitive atmosphere, you need to set yourself apart from the crowd by including information relevant to life as a whole rather than just the narrow realm of academia and how it is so interesting to you.

Good luck! I'm excited to see how the final copy of your essay turns out, so if you revise it, please post it again.

Undergraduate / 'Born in India' - Duke COMMONAPP: Why I want to be an Engineer [4]

Being born in India to parents with purely business-related occupations, I used to believe business was my ultimate fortune; that I would finally land on what is currently my father's chair. But my experiences with science have completely changed what I thought I was destined to pursue in life...

Notes - This paragraph seems to be working as a brief attention-getter. The fact that your parents were businessmen does not interest me. Perhaps you could include an engaging story that shows how you obtained and interest of science, or perhaps how you came to dislike business and enjoy science.

I attended a school where academics were given prime importance. Science and math eventually turned out to be my favorite subjects. The notion of having the same laws rule everything: from the movements of colossal stars to defining the path of a tiny neutron was utterly fascinating. I used to read a plethora of science magazines and books, searching for answers not acknowledged in our regular syllabus.curriculum The Internet was also a prominent source of information: thescienceforum.com, Dr. Michio Kaku, Minutephysics...what not. But I have absolutely no idea who inspired me to make robots. I believe it was just my imagination bawling for an outlet. At home, I had my own laboratory where I would sit hours with a soldering iron in one hand and a screwdriver in another, trying to make my own flying machine. In fact I did managed to make a quadcopter.

Notes - All true "schools" give academics prime importance. Eliminate the sentence. What subjects did you like before? How did your interests change? All engineering applicants find math and science to be utterly fascinating. Say something that differentiates you. Use better word choice. "Bawling" is typically associated with crying babies, and I don't think your imagination simply cried until you made robots.

Once I had selected my stream as science, everything improved. I attended class with students of the same inclination. I was spellbound when I got my hands on calculus, and started thinking in different perspectives to the same problem.

I was once surfing the Internet when a tutorial about elementary Javascript on Khan Academy caught my eye. I became so engrossed in it that I saw all the tutorials in two days. I got to know how programming involved nothing else but logic, and on that day I finally decided that I wanted to develop a career in computer science.

Notes - Use better word choice. Stream is associated with water, and I have never heard it used in the sense of "field of study". It's not surprise that you took classes with like-minded students - after all, most students should enjoy an elective class they enroll in. Again, better word choice is necessary. Spellbound does not fit well - it feels as if you are using a thesaurus to describe your enjoyment for math and science in 20 different ways. Elaborate upon your career plans. As of now, it seems as if you want a computer science career because you are just absolutely enthralled by the topic. Each engineering applicant is expected to enjoy engineering - what are you going to do with the education you receive to make a difference in the world or your community in particular?

When I came across the recent breakthrough in sixth sense technology by another fellow Indian Pranav Mistry, I was reaffirmedassured that I was headed in the right direction. That computer science was the foundation of new technological advancements. That programming was a reign in the hands of the bearer, and the ultimate power to manifest his own creations. That the computer would soon outwear all contemporary perimeters, and make space for seemingly incredulous possibilities.

Notes - I fixed a few grammatical issues in the first sentence. Do not include sentence fragments in an admissions essay. Additionally, the content that you have provided through these fragments is already known. The admissions officer needs to learn something about you, not just the computer science field in general.

I desire to double major in computer science and electrical engineering and minor in robotics. But why choose Duke? The reason is obvious. The Pratt School of Engineering is an abode for budding computer scientists. Their award winning faculty and rigorous academic programs ascertainassure companies that graduates from here are worth every penny.

Plus Duke has so much for me! If I become a part of Duke, I assure contributing in every aspect. Be a part of the Duke Robotics Team. Participate in the Duke Engineers for International Development program. Become a member of the Tau Beta Pi. Use my humor to write nerdy jokes for the DukEngineer. Perhaps even learn the Green Dance from Professor Astrachan.

Notes -You never discussed your desires regarding electrical engineering. In your essay you should include more information about it. Your experience with soldering is not enough. All universities have much to offer. All that you establish in the closing remarks is that you will simply take part in something. Why will you do it? How will the experiences help you?

Overall Comments - Your essay is currently a statement of why you love the computer science field. This is not unique to you. How will the admissions officer know you are any different than any other of the thousands of applicants? I would structure your essay more like this.

Briefly discuss how you became interested in your particular fields of study. Use engaging stories and examples.

Discuss a plan that you have post-Duke that includes more than just a potential career. What are you going to do with your computer science and electrical engineering knowledge? How will you change the world?

Discuss how Duke is the best institution for facilitating your overall life plan. Make sure to state exactly how you will take advantage of each of Duke's offerings in order to become better prepared for you life plan.

Conclude in some sort of way that summarizes yet is not overly redundant. You seem to be intelligent enough in order to do such.

If you change your essay into a description of an overall plan and how you will use Duke in order to help achieve the goal(s) of that plan, you should have no problem being admitted into the university granted your superior academic skills (which you can brag about in some place other than an essay)

Good luck with your essay and eventual acceptance!

Undergraduate / Uzbekistan/my jokes/ hobbies/ hospitability ;UGRAD, A letter to roommate. [4]


Spelling error - the word is "intentions"


The fact that you are fun is good enough when communicating your personality. Fun people are fun to be around. End the sentence with a period . Corrected minor grammatical errors. I didn't already understand that you were a person who does not like to sit at home, so you should delete that particular cause. That clause serves no purpose too - just go straight to your point. I assume you are referring to online social networks, so I edited the sentence to reflect that. Your existing sentence could reference any type of human interaction. "Friends" should be satisfactory to communicate which type of people you like to share ideas with. I included the proper format for a sentence utilizing "however", and I made your clause involving studying better.


Eliminate the comma.


Eliminate this sentence. It does not fit well with your previous sentence and you've already established that you are a good person.


Include a colon when introducing ideas.


I broke up this idea into two sentences to make the overall idea flow better. I included 'because of his/her advice" because it states that you live life without alcohol or cigarettes because of the advice of your trainer. The sentence revision better credits him or her.


Not sure what you mean by "new term". "Really" is overused. I replaced "little" with young in order to indicate age rather than size.


I utilized a colon again to introduce ideas. I changed "believed" to present tense in order to indicate that you are trying not to disappoint people who currently believe in you, not previously believed in you.

Overall Notes - Your essay really shows who you are as a person. You have set out a plan for your life (helping children), and you have communicated how you spend your time. I've established that you are a very traditional kind of person - you like face-to-face conversation, and you like to help children. Both of these items are excellent to possess. I don't think you need to add more content, you just need to fix some minor errors which I have outlined to you.

Good luck with your application!

Undergraduate / Social stigma/ YKNOT ; UNC / IMPORTANT PROBLEM I TRY TO SOLVE [6]

This is the best essay I've seen on this site since I began using it. There are a few issues with commas. Other than that, you have established how you became a mental health advocate, what you have done so far, and how you plan on using UNC in order to further this goal. The only other thing I would include would be some sort of specific plan that you have post college, and how what you learn at UNC will help that that plan.

Again, this is a brilliant essay. Provided you are academically qualified (which I'm sure you are), you will be accepted - easily.

Here is one of the comma issues. I personally would eliminate the comma and flow right into the next clause.


Congratulations on your admission! (Whenever it happens to come)

Undergraduate / Message in drift bottle-UNC at Chapel Hill [4]

Too much of your essay is a discussion of yourself rather than a discussion of a message. I would think this message should include content other than what you intend to do at UNC. Perhaps you could incorporate some of your stories into a broader life lesson while eliminating extraneous material about you personally.

The essay is still fairly good - I'm just not sure if this is what UNC is looking for. Also, be careful with sad stories - so many applicants include them.

Good luck with your application and essay!

Writing Feedback / Government should pay for environment protection-TOEFL [4]

While I don't personally agree with the stance you took, I think you could improve your essay by incorporating a discussion of government spending regarding economic growth. You've mentioned the benefits of protecting the environment; however, you have not mentioned the downfalls of economic stimulus spending.

It would be best if you not only proved your point but also disproved the contrary idea. That's really the best advice I can provide you with since I can't think of any better examples that would support your point because I would not argue the same thing myself.

You have a good essay start - I would help with some minor grammar issues, but I don't have time right now. Hopefully someone else can take care of that. Just be sure to not only bolster your argument but also tear apart the argument of the opposing side. Perhaps your response will resemble a debate.

Good luck with the outcome of your essay.

Undergraduate / Social stigma/ YKNOT ; UNC / IMPORTANT PROBLEM I TRY TO SOLVE [6]

You could also specify what YKNOT? is. I am not familiar with it. I was too caught up in how good the essay was to bother to comment upon that detail the first time.

Undergraduate / City life/ Architecture/ Diverse culture; How UChicago satisfy my desires [5]

Why is UC the best college for you to explore your love of fine arts? All you have established is what you are going to be able to do at UC. Include some information about what sets University of Chicago apart from others.

There were a few issues with grammar in your essay. "Possible" should become "possibly". The grammatical errors are fairly minor - what you should focus on is expanding your ideas to include a discussion of why the school and community is the best for you. What sets it apart. You can talk about UC a bit more than yourself.

Undergraduate / Senior Curricular Support program ; UNC - What changed mind? [7]


Commas are necessary in this sentence.


Added a comma. Also changed "weak" (referring to strength) to "week" (referring to the seven days).


While the story you have provided is good, I think you could to a better job explaining the transition (change) that you went through. Discuss who you were prior to your experiences with assisting students, what caused you to change, and how you are enjoying it now.

Good luck.

Scholarship / "Words to Remember"; Scholarship Essay - The Best Advice [4]

While the route you took is perfectly acceptable, I would like to see you include a bit more detail. How have you used the advice during your life (be more specific), and how are you planning to use it in a future career/endeavor.

The essay prompt is fairly difficult to answer with the piece of advice you are referencing. It's so specific that it only has one application - politics. If you can think of a more general piece of advice that can help you no matter what you are pursuing, I would suggest discussing it. If not, it is fine to continue with the existing advice that you are working with.

Looking at your title again, I see your essay is used as part of a scholarship application of sorts. I think in order to win a scholarship, you will need to come up with an alternative piece of advice. People giving out scholarships tend to have different motives than universities - perhaps they will take the advice learned by the scholarship winners and publish it for profit.

It would be best if you come up with an alternative, more powerful and generic idea.

Good luck with your essay!

Undergraduate / Constraints/ Help family/ People skills; COMMON APP - Financing/ Major/ Life goals [5]


Comments on first short answer: I added "financially speaking" so it becomes clear that you are alone in terms of money - not in terms of emotional support. The addition of "paying for" also helped with that issue. I deleted "our house and" because "the bills" is sufficient enough to show financial struggle. What do you mean when you say your mother is building a home? Is she physically creating its walls? I eliminated a comma after "ago" and I changed the clause regarding you and your mother to "my mother and I" because that is the proper order. I eliminated the last two sentences and wrote a clearer sentence for you.


Before we go any further with grammatical corrections, you need to come up with more content. Your current responses are not sufficient, especially when it comes to your future educational plans. You should probably fill up the maximum allotted writing amount (character lines). Why do you want a doctoral degree? Besides it being highly prestigious, what about it will help you in life? Do you have any specific life goals that you can elaborate upon? Right now you have many brief goals. What kind of company would you own?

You have a good start content wise, but you would be better off if you brainstormed more content. I have corrected all the grammatical errors I've seen, but you should have someone review your final short answers again after you revise them.

Good luck!

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My political and economic writing can be found at teenagelibertarian.blogspot.

Undergraduate / Constraints/ Help family/ People skills; COMMON APP - Financing/ Major/ Life goals [5]

Perhaps you could say "my mother spends her days working to mold our house into a home - a place where our family can come together and enjoy life". It may be a little wordy, but it does convey what your mother is attempting to do.

Writing can often be tough while attempting to adapt to an entirely new culture, especially that of America. Just do your best to be sincere with your questions. Perhaps you could arrange an in-person interview to better convey that sincerity.

Again, best of luck. It'd be great if you end up owning a business someday - we need more of them (the reasoning is complicated).

Scholarship / Too many females; COMMON APP/Situation that I was unfairly treated [2]

You have a good start - you've set up a good story to explain a fair situation. However, I think you can address the other parts of the prompt much better than you currently have.

Why do you think this happened? How did you respond? Did the situation improve as a result of your response?

Be sure toattack this part of the prompt.

While you have a few grammatical errors, those are hardly important when you have failed to thoroughly address the prompt. Be sure to do that, re-post your essay, and we can go from there.

General rules that might help you:

Take a look at how to punctuate and incorporate quotes within writing. Typically you hit enter after a quote by one person before quoting another or engaging in narrative comment.

Make sure you write in active voice. This means that the subject should do the action, not receive it. To identify the weaker, passive voice, look for forms of "to be" followed by a past tense verb. See if you can rephrase situations like that.

Make sure to only capitalize proper nouns. General nouns, like building, should not be capitalized.

Good luck with your essay! You have a solid start - just be sure to attack the prompt.

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Random Comments:

Remember to "like" helpful posts (regardless of whether not you are receiving the help).

My political and economic writing can be found at teenagelibertarian.blogspot

Undergraduate / Senior Curricular Support program ; UNC - What changed mind? [7]

Honestly it's too late to drastically change the content of your essay, but we can fix a few issues with grammar.


Delete cohesively - it's just not a word that works well in this situation. You can either say "promoting growth" or "promoting a growth in confidence"


Ululating is a fast-paced, war-like cry - emanating is a better word here.

You have written a good essay, but I fear it's just not related enough to the prompt. You can make this essay so much better by simply including an introduction similar to this:

"I did not believe I was a role model. I had always looked up to others, constantly deferring leadership. Until I interacted with other students in a school program, I was unable to realize my potential as a brilliant leader. The experience with the students enlightened me - through them, I was able to better myself while bettering someone else."

It doesn't have to be exactly like that, but it should be similar to it. By saying something like this you clearly answer the prompt - you show how an event changed your mind about something. I'm not sure if acquiring a personality trait counts as changing your mind, but what can you do about it now?

Ignore anything behind this line if you are crunched for time!!!!!!!!!!!!

If you had more time I would try an essay that reflected a structure similar to what I am going to make up on the spot right now:

In 2010, an issue regarding collective bargaining divided the state of Wisconsin. My thoughts on this event defined the set of first political beliefs that I possessed. However, after realizing the rashness of my decision - my inability to analyze ALL issues rather than just one, I have converted my political beliefs. Watching youtube videos over the summer about paul ryan led me to this change. I always thought my beliefs were in line with the Democrats simply because of one issue, but by opening my mind up to other ideas, I was able to realize that, overall, I agree with them more than I do the Democrats.

That's just a way I think the prompt should be approached. If you see it again, take an approach like this.

Define something that matters to you: In my case - politics

Define the initial stance that you took: In my case - siding with democrats

Define the stance you took after an event - In my case - becoming a libertarian

Provide examples of what prompted this change - In my case - watching videos of the other side

What was wrong with the way you made the decision the first time? - in my case -jumping to conclusions too fast.

You'll just have to work with the essay you have - It's good enough that the admissions department may not care that the prompt was left unaddressed - it does fill us in on who you are as a person.

Good luck, and pardon my overload of information.

Undergraduate / Senior Curricular Support program ; UNC - What changed mind? [7]

Excellent! If you submit an essay free of errors, you should be in great shape.

Undergraduate / Commercial whaling; Texas - Issue of Importance [2]

Decent essay. Eliminate the irrelevant dolphin example.

The promt asks for an issue that's important to you, you family, etc. You explain the importance of whales to the ecosystem, not you. Pick a topic that greatly affects you, or explain the whale example better.

You seem like a good writer - just ATTACK the prompt :)

Undergraduate / Religion, the watchful protector along the path; Harvard/ Topic of Choice [21]

If you didn't use a thesaurus or dictionary to come up with some of the words in this essay I will be amazed. While the sentences sound nice and fancy, I'm not sure what this piece of writing is getting at. It seems to promote freedom of religion, but I can't follow a definitive plan or structure as you prove a point.

I'm not sure what Harvard will think, but I didn't really gain anything from this essay. I don't think it will hurt you, but I don't see it helping you either.

Nevertheless, good luck with your application.

Writing Feedback / What are some causes of stress among young people and How could this be ameliorated? [7]

You need to work a bit harder to create a better essay. If you do not have a length requirement, this should definitely be longer. Explain the issue more, suggest solutions, and eliminate the many spelling errors that you have. This can be done with the post feature on this forum or with any word processor.

Good luck! I hope to see the next draft you have when you write it.

Undergraduate / Religion, the watchful protector along the path; Harvard/ Topic of Choice [21]

It's just difficult for me to determine what it is in particular with religion that you are righting. I'm not sure if this is a battle between multiple religions or issues within just one.

To me, it seems like you embraced not only a friend but also some sort of religion and that has helped you grow as a person.

It would help if you specified what religion(s) instead of leaving it open-ended. I don't like having to guess as a reader, and that makes it difficult to understand what you're getting at. You have some very well crafted sentences, but I think you could do better with balancing sentence length and complexity.

You also have a fairly unique idea when it comes to an essay - it's just a bit hard for me to visualize. I'm probably totally wrong.

Anyway, my opinion doesn't really count - you'll have to see what admissions tells you.

Undergraduate / Personal Statement for College about an educational dilemma that I have encountered [3]

Educational dilemma or not, you have written an essay that clearly communicates who you are and how you've developed over time. I like adaptable people who are able to do that. Often times essays about education involve issues over grading our advanced classes, but you showcased a true problem. You've talked about the whole experience and what you've done to make it better - that's great. Action is better than inaction.

Good luck with the application! If you are considered about the essay fitting the prompt, please post the prompt on this thread.

Undergraduate / 'The biggest small' - Passion/ Pressure/ COMMON APP; Issue of importance [21]

2/5 - The essay has several grammatical errors and it is just generally off topic - it's not "bad", but it doesn't fit the question they asked of you.

The prompt requests you write about an issue of importance to you. You seem to be discussing how your learned what proper priorities are in life - I'm not sure if that's what you should be mentioning, keeping the prompt in mind.

If you have plenty of time, I think you should rewrite this essay. You need to focus on crafting an essay that specifically addresses what the prompt asks. Colleges generally prefer to see students follow directions rather than oppose them.

Here's what you should think about in order to get a new topic:

What do you value the most? What have you done in your life that proves your commitment to the issue?

Generally, an essay response to this topic will talk about something highly personal or controversial. The admission officers want to see your take on something and what you are doing about it.

If you can get back to me with a list of what you feel is important and valuable in life, we can work together to craft an effective essay. Because you mentioned that you believe the main theme of your essay is the bad that can be caused by money, I don't think that fits the prompt because it doesn't seem like a positive thing you'd value.

Good luck with the revisions - I hope you choose to consider some other ideas! The community is always willing to help.

Undergraduate / UK PERSONAL STATEMENT BIOMEDICAL SCIENCES (Ethiopia tutoring and other countries) [6]


Comma is necessary.


My revision provides clarity.


DELETE the comma.


You sure? It's only thousands of miles away.


should be "relentlessly pursue" - an adverb describes a verb.

Overall comments - I'm proud to say that this essay is MUCH better than the original one I saw a few days ago! You connected each of your stories to your life plan of helping others. I see that you take initiative. I see that you've had experiences that benefit you. The fact that you've had so much experience in Africa is amazing. If I was involved in a university, I would love to have you on my research team. You will bring a whole different perspective to a team. Most of all, you take action. I like to see people who take action rather than boasting about their academic achievements. Life is much more than the small educational world that we briefly live in. I see that you have perspective beyond that small world. While you could still expand upon your plan itself, I think you've solidified your essay to display a constructive plan as well as some of the tools you need to achieve it. The writing is brief but not too brief - it's like a message to the university, subtly commanding them to take you in.

I hope they see it the same way I do. If you get any feedback from your counselor after he or she sees it, I will be glad to address any concerns that are brought up.

Good luck! It's good to see you embracing the writing process.

Undergraduate / 'The biggest small' - Passion/ Pressure/ COMMON APP; Issue of importance [21]

I remember reading your short answer questions. You seemed to communicate an appreciation for your opportunities in America as well as the effort that your parents are putting in towards bettering both your and their lives - regardless of all the excuses and setbacks they have to not put forth effort.

I think it would be great if you talked about how important opportunity is for you and your family. You could communicate that, when given a chance, you and your family can achieve great things.

You could potentially compare opportunity in the United States versus your previous country and express how grateful you are for the chance and how critical it is to your life plan.

You could say something like this:

My entire life, I have desired to achieve (this, this and this); however, the situation in (location) prevented me from doing so. My family's move to the United States gave me opportunity - I would be able to achieve (this, this, and this).

I think an essay similar to the one above would be better. You would talk about an important social issue - the issue of opportunity and how it compares in various locations, as well as how it is so important in terms of what you plan to achieve - these achievements could be related to you, family, and friends (or something else).

What do you think of this plan? If you like it, what three things do you think the opportunity that the United States provides would best help you with?

Undergraduate / Maplestory has become a central part of my life; Significant Experience/ Common App [22]

This reminds me far too much of myself. I've done the same thing, just on a different game.

I think we can both attest to the fact that so much of the market is emotion (or maybe just I can). The stock market is hardly about finding some financially sound company - it's about predicting panic before it happens.

Anyway, I think your essay is decent enough. Unfortunately, so many people vilify the individuals on Wall Street. I think some colleges may deny you this fact. People don't like individuals who display greed (you were wealthy after 5 years on maplestory), and for some reason they don't like the stock market. However, I think some college might see potential and accept you.. except that hardly any colleges value economics in the sense of making money - too much of it is just useless global trends.

If you do get rejected, don't worry. You can always live a successful life without a prominent college experience. Then you can go back to all your friends and brag to them about how you did it.

Life success is hardly determined by education - it's determined by intelligence, proper hard work, and initiative. If you set out to do something with an unwavering mindset, you WILL do it. You should explore more opportunities - perhaps you could get in contact with investment groups.

Good luck!

Undergraduate / 'The biggest small' - Passion/ Pressure/ COMMON APP; Issue of importance [21]

Yeah, I don't see an application for your previous essay. That's okay though - writing takes time.

I'm not sure how I can help you with essay A because I don't know any people who have impacted you, but I agree with your idea regarding topic C. I think you could address the difficulties of learning a language - especially when you have to apply it constantly rather than just selectively like I do when i take Spanish classes at school. For the last essay you'll probably want to have a theme regarding how, even with your language difficulties, you still have an unwavering desire to succeed and make an impact.

For Topic B, remember that it would probably be best to discuss both advantages of opportunity in the United States as well as disadvantages elsewhere. Apply each one of your points to both of the two countries. At the end of the essay, you might want to include a paragraph about what you can do to help in parts of the world other than the United States in order to extend all the opportunity that you have had (in relation to your 3 points) to the people of those foreign countries.

Post your next draft(s) when you're finished. It might be tomorrow until I see the next one, but I'll be around for awhile here.

Regarding your question on how I am able to come up with all of this advice -

I'm not sure really. People have told me I'm good at writing over the past few years, but I think my ability to help stems more from my unique perspective on life. The most common piece of advice I offer is to attack the prompt and provide some sort of unique experience that shows preparation and initiative. Those pieces of advice are directly related to what I think defines a successful person. We need more people in the world that are willing to take it upon themselves, not others, in order to do what they want to achieve. We need people that don't boast about academic accomplishments; we need people that apply their skills to bettering both their life and the lives of others.

It looks like I'm taking care of the "better the lives of others" part of my life plan. I'll improve upon my on life when I own a business later on.

Over the past few weeks I've decided to take initiative. I'll be applying to college in two years or so, so I needed to show what I've been doing. I enjoy politics and economics, so I started a blog on it. I am not only able to write but I am also able to help with writing, so I came here.

Sometimes it's best to think of every action as part of a greater, better plan.

It's great that you're continually improving upon your work and making the effort to take feedback and implement it into a spectacular essay. Again, good luck.. You don't need it though because you have dedication and hard work.

Undergraduate / Developing friendships and leaderships -Reason for transferring, objective to achieve [3]

This essay makes it sound like you need excellent students around you in order for you to be an excellent student and person. I don't think you'd want to admit something like that. It shouldn't matter what other people are doing, it's about what YOU do and what you make out of it.

I can't tell you why else you'd want to transfer, but I think you need a better reason than this. You need some organization too - that essay was just a paragraph of random ideas.

Good luck. I'll be glad to further help if you post any revisions.

Letters / 'Maybe a Skype interview' - Erasmus Mundus Motivation Letter [2]

Don't capitalize every noun like "marketing" or "business". You only need to capitalize proper nouns, not general nouns.

This was a decent letter - I'm not sure what the requirements are. It was somewhat hard to follow your ideas, but not too much.

I'm not sure whether you'd want to talk more about yourself as a person or your accomplishments. I don't really have experience when it comes to transfer letters.

Good luck.

Undergraduate / Mully's Children's Family,Kenyan ophanage;Western Ivey League(Engineering)-Uniqueness [2]

You've talked about unique things you've done, but what are some personality traits, interests, or perspectives that you have that are unique? You have a very short essay so far and most of it is a story on Africa. When you are limited to 250 words, you will need to omit the length that stories bring - talk only about each unique interest, perspective, and life experience. Answer the prompt completely.

Good luck.

Undergraduate / "Anywhere Is"- Enya's music products; Smith Supp -Theme Song [7]

It's alright. The prompt makes it difficult to help content wise without a song suggestion. While you have a solid argument, I'm not sure if that's what it means in the context of the song. And the prompt talks about a representation of you, and you haven't answered that.

Think about who you are and find a song to match. Or at least think of who you are and we can help think of a good song. I know quite a few.

Undergraduate / "Anywhere Is"- Enya's music products; Smith Supp -Theme Song [7]

Say it in the essay then.

Scholarship / Bachelor's Degree and becoming a prosecutor; Scholarship Essay/ Short&Long TERM GOALS [4]


Use a dash and lowercase "it".


Course should be plural.


Eliminate the commas.


Eliminate the comma.


This sentence doesn't fit or work.


I made "criminal" posessive and I rephrased some of your sentence. I don't think law is anything like a sodoku puzzle, so eliminate that sentence. If you want, you can make a new ending sentence, but you don't have to.

Aside from those errors, your grammar is fine. You've done a much better job in answering the prompt this time than the first.

Good luck!

Undergraduate / Czech descent; Common App - Intercultural/Creative Opportunity [2]

Content wise, essays B-D are fine. You seem to disregard the prompt for response A. I don't see a creative or intellectual opportunity during high school within Czech culture. As great as your ancestry might be, your response is simply off-topic. Re-write that essay.

Honestly, the essay prompts don't seem to be anything that a college could use to get substantial information about you. I wouldn't be too worried about the supposed perfection of the responses - they shouldn't be worth that much. In any case, you should still get on topic for response A.

Because of the open-ended, informal nature of the essay prompts, there is not much criticism to provide.

Good luck.

Scholarship / Medical care for those live in third-world ; Contribution to diversity [3]


Spelling error.

This essay is for the most part off topic. You don't discuss the diversity that you can provide - you discuss diversity in general as well as your participation on a chess team. That isn't diversity - that's just you taking part in a situation in which gender is unbalanced.

You need to rewrite your essay in order to talk specifically about yourself instead of about diversity in general. Provide specific, relevant examples - examples better than your story regarding chess.

Side note - you don't have to say "University of ..." because anyone can see your real name anyway when they mouse over your screen name. Sometimes, the name of the university can help us to help you - perhaps someone has experience with a college in particular.

Good luck!

Undergraduate / My own little interesting world; Georgetown Self Description Essay [3]

I don't like how the whole thing was essentially a narrative. I didn't really get to know you. It was hard to avoid being bored while listening to random pieces of information presented in a way similar to this:

I did this, which was this, and it was cool, but it was interesting, and so on. Point being, you have far too many commas and run on sentences.

The essay didn't really engage me - your narrative didn't tell me much about you. It's also hard to enjoy an essay when I'm not engaged in it from the start.

To make this better, I think you should focus less on the narrative aspect and more on an essay that describes you and your life goals.

Good luck!

Undergraduate / Distinctive Impression; Personal Statement for Illinois MBA program [3]

Thorough description of the prompt. I think you could talk more specifically as to why you need a business degree for consulting, but other than that, your content was good.

You should probably do some research on capitalization - too many nouns were capitalized. Only capitalize proper, specific nouns.

Good luck!

Scholarship / Bachelor's Degree and becoming a prosecutor; Scholarship Essay/ Short&Long TERM GOALS [4]

Mostly good.


Say should be changed to "says".


Either capitalize all of these or make them all lowercase.

The essay finally gives a good picture about all of the goals you have. Good work! This is what happens when you embrace the writing process over time.

Undergraduate / Religion, the watchful protector along the path; Harvard/ Topic of Choice [21]

I've been watching this debate/argument play out, and I've noticed the fact that you claim your essay is something that takes time to interpret and derive meaning from. This is opposite of what an admission's officer looks for - they want a brief essay that gets straight to the point. I don't see a thesis statement that explains some sort of argument you have - I just see a personal story about a religious struggle. I also found it difficult to grasp that you disliked your parents' choice of church, yet you found refuge in another church.. Or was it just an internal dialogue, like your essay appears to portray it?

I think you have a good idea or argument, but it is hidden within metaphors and complex wording. After reading the essay several times, I am still left with questions. How was the "God" you reference different than the one referenced in your parents' church? What point are you trying to make?

The question that you introduce your essay with also throws off the reader - we don't see a discussion of religions throughout the world; rather, we see a difficult to interpret essay.

I personally would like to see an essay that is concise and direct, therefore allowing the ideas to come through. All the metaphors and fancy language in the world cannot make up for a lack of a thesis and a direct conclusion. Sometimes it's best to just say it rather than skirting the edge of the point before arriving at it.

Readers don't want an essay that is packaged as a complex mystery requiring solving - they want an essay that strongly supports some sort of clearly introduced idea.

Maybe only I hold these beliefs. Maybe the majority of the population would relish an essay like this. Whatever the consensus may be, I still retain my opinion. I don't believe the essay you meticulously crafted to be very valuable to the population as a whole. Just because something means a lot to you doesn't mean it will mean a lot to others.

I still hope you get accepted to Harvard. You seem to have an interesting perspective that could benefit their community; however, I'm not sure if that essay was the best means of showcasing that.