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Posts by abhigeorge
Joined: Apr 3, 2013
Last Post: Apr 11, 2013
Threads: 6
Posts: 20  
Likes: 2
From: India

Displayed posts: 26
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abhigeorge   
Apr 11, 2013
Writing Feedback / TOEFL:Which way do you think is the best for a student to make new friends? [3]

and share their growing pains as well as happiness

This means that their pain is increasing. I guess you meant the pains related to growing up. You may reword for better understanding.

Even though students spend most of their time at school, surrounded by their peers, actually, in most cases , a student can only know a few classmates well

Take me for an example,.

This can be worded better like, I will quote my own example.

on the badminton team of my school, I met my partner whom I had barely talked to before.

My partner in the school badminton team was person with whom I hardly interacted before. ( this can be further improved)

Their friendship is so strong that can last for the whole lifetime

Their friendship is so strong that it will last for a lifetime.

joining a sports team is arguably the best way for students to make friends

and a good time playing sports with their friends.

and have a good time....
abhigeorge   
Apr 11, 2013
Writing Feedback / You are going to visit New Zealand for an 'English and Homestay' program [NEW]

You are going to visit New Zealand for an 'English and Homestay' program. You have just received details of your homestay host family.
Write your first letter to the family. In your letter
- introduce yourself
- ask the family some questions to get information that is important to you
- tell the family about your arrival date and time.
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Dear Mr. Nicolas,
I am very thankful to you, for hosting my 'English and homestay' program in New Zealand. I am sure I will have a great time with you and your family, and your family will appreciate me as a guest. In this letter I would like to introduce myself and also ask for some information.

My name is George and I am an Indian national. I am 22 years of age and currently pursuing my bachelor's degree in fine arts, at the Bombay University. The reason for me to participate in this program is to enhance my skills in English language, which I am sure will happen during my stay with you.

I would like to know if you have any specific house rules. Also, do I need to attend cross culture training before I arrive in New Zealand? These would help me to prepare for my trip and behave correctly during my stay.

I would be arriving at the Wellington Airport on the 4th of May 2013 at 1.00 PM. It would be great if you could pick me up at the airport, as this is my first foreign trip and I am a little nervous.

Looking forward to meet you,
Yours Sincerely,
George
abhigeorge   
Apr 11, 2013
Writing Feedback / IELTS; Letter to the course lecturer informing my inability to continue the course [2]

You are employed full-time and also doing a part time evening course. You are not able to continue the course.
Write a letter to the course lecturer. In the letter
- explain why you cannot continue the course
- describe the situation
- say what you will be doing
Write at least 150 words.
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Dear Sir,
I have enrolled in the evening course being conducted by you in journalism, but regret to inform you that I will not be able to continue it further.

I am currently employed full time in a newspaper agency and this was the reason why I joined the course. Due to increase in work I have not been able to devote enough time for the course, because of which my grades have been slipping. I need to keep my job due to financial reasons and thus have to prioritize it over my studies. This is because I am the sole bread earner for my family.

Nevertheless, I would like to complete the course later, when I have justifiable time for it. Till then I would read through the course material by myself, as I am very keen to learn about journalism. I hope you would understand my situation and allow me to continue later.

Yours Sincerely,
George
abhigeorge   
Apr 9, 2013
Writing Feedback / Mr. Heng taught me the value of HARDWORKING; My favorite TEACHER [7]

and he is always crew-cut

and he always sports a crew-cut

Mr Heng is the guy who influence me a lot

Mr Heng is a person who has influenced me a lot

he taught me to hardworking

he taught me to work hard

I had always scored high marks in my science

i have always scored high marks in science

Mr Heng live just down stair of my apartmen

Mr Heng lives just downstairs

he is willing to share his experience to me

he is willing to share his experiences with me.

Whenever I got into trouble with my parents

Whenever I get into trouble...

I would turn to his advice

I would turn to him for his advice.

he help me see my parents' point of view

he helps me to see my parents' point of view.
abhigeorge   
Apr 9, 2013
Writing Feedback / "Success is harder to accept than Failure" [4]

If I didn't graduate with flying colors, I'm sure I wouldn't have to deal with all the pressure from my family and my colleagues

If i had graduated with flying colors, I am sure i would not have had to deal with all the pressure from ....

Those became my routinary activities

This became my routine for a couple...

I observed that most of the test takers in my room are very vocal about their worries

I observed that most of the test takers in my room were....

but I don't want to stress myself

but i did not want to stress myself

the papers that wil l determine our future status.

the papers that would determine ....

no matter how difficult they are

no matter how difficult they were.
abhigeorge   
Apr 9, 2013
Undergraduate / Global Study Program ; Statement of purpose for an exchange program [3]

I'm writing in applying for the position

I am applying in writing for the position...

thus, I'd like to exchange to *** in achieving my goal.

...exchange to **** to achieve my goal.

Initially, *** provides a comfortable circumstance for studying

Initially,*** provided a comfortable environment for studying

These practice can really

This practice OR These practices...

China see America as a mixture of e

China has seen America...

as an Chinese strategist Sun Tzu said

as a Chinese....
abhigeorge   
Apr 9, 2013
Writing Feedback / In some countries it has been made illegal for people to smoke in all public places. [3]

It has been proved that smoking kills. In some countries it has been made illegal for people to smoke in all public places except in certain areas. All countries should make these rules. Do you agree or disagree with this statement?

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It has been proved beyond doubt that smoking kills. It causes various kinds of life threatening diseases such as oral and lung cancer. To dissuade its citizens from smoking many countries have passed regulations which prohibit them from smoking in public places, except for few designated smoking areas. This is an excellent strategy and should be adopted by other countries as well.

It is in human nature to pay attention only to imminent danger. The pleasure of smoking causes the smokers to turn a blind eye towards its long term ill effects. Even showing grotesque pictures of results of smoking on cigarette boxes has had less effect. If people do not take a responsible stand for their own health, then the government should intervene with restrictive policies.

Having designated smoking areas would force the smokers to walk down to these places whenever they want to smoke. This inconvenience and extra time needed to commute might help to reduce the number of cigarettes they smoke in a day.

Moreover it is not only the active smokers but also the passive smokers who are at risk. Passive smokers are those who do not smoke themselves, however inhale the poisonous smoke exhaled by active smokers. It has been proved that they share similar health risk. This is a sad situation wherein they have to suffer for the indulgence of others. In order to protect the non-smokers, it is better to restrict smoking to specific areas.

Smoking has emerged as the biggest killer in recent times. However, we as a society are far from getting rid of it. Till the time individuals do not find the will to give up smoking, governments of the nations should implement this and more rules to safe guard its people.
abhigeorge   
Apr 9, 2013
Writing Feedback / IELTS;Children are under increasing educational, social, and financial stress [5]

Currently, more students are suffered from overloading the stress from education, society and finance, which is believed as a positive development to make students achieve better academic performance by some individuals. ----------> Nowadays, increasing number of students are under undue stress and many believe that this helps them to perform better in academics.

However, as far as I concerned it is not a good idea to cultivate (children are not cultivated) raise children by giving them too much stress. -----------> I believe children should have a stress free environment.

It is except that children are under a proper stress that make them work harder than their peers.-----> It is not true that stress makes children work harder than their peers.

In terms of schooling, I admit that the stress, sometimes, can become a motivation to those children, who are going to work hard in order to get rid of stress.------->( I do not understand this sentence at all ) However it may be a motivator to perform better at school.

In addition, by exposing to stress, children might learn how to tackle the problems that they may meet during working life, which is a good practice on school before they start their real social life.------>( very long and confusing sentence) It may also help to develop problem solving skills in them, which will be useful later.

Unfortunately, some children complaint that they are indeed taking too much pressure from educational, social, and financial problems. --->Unfortunately, some children complaint that they have too much pressure due to educational, social and financial problems.

It seems the pressure could not be released easily by themselves, regardless of what solutions they come up with. -----> It seems to be very difficult to get rid of this pressure.

As a consequence of that, children are disappointed by their academic results that are caused by the stress, and entering a vicious cycle.------> As a result children are disappointed with their academic results, which results in further more stress and the vicious cycle continues.

In my opinion, children are undertaken too much stress than what we expected. ----> In my opinion children are taking too much stress, than expected.

Sometimes the stress create a huge burden to children, if they can not deal with it properly.-----> Sometimes stress creates a huge burden on children if they cannot delay with it properly.

In order to have a healthy cycle in schooling, we should focus on how to cultivate the interests of study rather than pushing children forward just by giving them stress.----> Focus should be on cultivating interest towards studies rather than forcing it on kids. This would lead to much better learning and performance.
abhigeorge   
Apr 9, 2013
Writing Feedback / Comparison of three hostels in Sydney [6]

hi proabc123, This is a very well written essay. Just one correction from my side.

Therefore, World Square Hostel seems to be the best choice for tourist due to their its cost, location and convenient accommodations."
abhigeorge   
Apr 9, 2013
Undergraduate / Next four years as a UC San Diego Triton is the best thing that could happen to me! [4]

Hi samanthaaaj, few corrections from my side.

I find myself to be a well-rounded and creative free spirit... well-rounded means over weight. May be you meant all rounder ?

...."yet laid- back and fun environment prove to be perfect fits for each other.

I find your sentences very long and sometimes confusing. I would be nice if you could break them into smaller ones.

Best regards
George
abhigeorge   
Apr 9, 2013
Writing Feedback / Are we always doing things that we enjoy? IELTS [8]

gyal
Hi gyal, get a copy of Wren and Martin and start practicing your grammar. It takes time but would be worth the effort.
All the best
George
abhigeorge   
Apr 9, 2013
Writing Feedback / TOEFL ; Businesses should only concentrate on profit making! [2]

hi aria, corrections from my side. I am providing a line by line correction so that the grammatical errors will be clear to you. However the content flow is not at all clear in this essay. You need to organize your writing better.

No one can ever deny that a lot of businesses are doing anything for making a profit-------> It is a known fact that a lot of Businesses would do anything to make profit.

Any person do anything which can make a buck in his life.-----> A person will do anything to make some money ( not sure how this sentence is relevant here)

I do not agree to do any thing to thrive in our businesses. ----> I do not agree to this.

We can bother, make a problem for others and this is not good.--------> It would put others in trouble.

First and most important, making advantages for our business would has pros point if we do not bother someone. -----> ( I did not understand this) Running a business without harming someone would have its own advantages.

The president of a company would love to have flourish in his business. -------> The president of the company would love his business to flourish.

However, he should not make any problem for employees.------> However he should not create problems for his employees.

If income of the company going to being better, he must pay higher salary or award to those who works better --------> If the company is earning good profit it should pay its employees better.

The company must be like a family. ---------> (no changes from my side)

In family we help to each other to make a better life. In result, all of us take advantages for it in family.------->In a family we help each other.

Another reason wich which renders my vantage point for do not doing anything for making a profit is overall reason.-------> ( I do not understand this sentence) Another important reason for not using unfair means for profit is...

I mean, we should not do something which only our goal be making disadvantages for another companies. -----> We should not do something only with the aim of damaging other companies. ( Sentence does not fit here)

We must take part in a healthy competition.-----> (no inputs here, sentence seems okay)

Some people thinks that competition meaning is disrupting the other side.------> Some people think that competition only means disrupting competitor's business.

For illustrate my point, think about a company who make a kind of ingredient for food. ----------> For example consider a company which produces some kind of food ingredient.

The healthy competition would not be something that makes a problem for other company. -------> Healthy competition does not create an issue for anybody.

Maybe another ingredients additional to ours can make a better and delicious food.------->Maybe adding another ingredient would make the food taste better.

So our profits must not make any problem for another person or business.-------> So our business does not inhibit another business.

In light of the foregoing, I hold the view that business must make profits only in a way which do not make any problem to another one.---------->As a conclusion I would like to reiterate that businesses should follow just means of profit making and not harm others.
abhigeorge   
Apr 8, 2013
Writing Feedback / Are we always doing things that we enjoy? IELTS [8]

Hi gyal, I will provide a line by line correction. Experts and moderators will have to help with overall content.

Yes I m agree this statement.--------> Yes I agree with this statement ( actually not a very good way to start)

Some people are going things that there are not enjoy doing.-----> Some people do things they actually do not enjoy doing.

In this world they have verity of situation and it not mean what they are doing something that all are he or she had interested and enjoy to doing this. --------> There are lot of reasons for them to do so.

So here I have some reasons and examples for my agreement.-----> Following are the arguments from my side.

Firstly, in some country they have very concern and respect for their traditional.(hi friend i am not sure that its a traditional,) -------> In some countries people are tightly bound by their culture.

For example the young people must be accept for arrangement marriage,----->For example, for marriage ready sons or daughters an alliance is arranged by their parents. ( can be simpler)

but in the modern life most of young people are not interest and enjoy for this kind of marriage and they want their choice.-----> but nowadays young people are not interested in arranged marriages.

That is parents demand and forces to do that. ----> Parents sometimes force their children for it.

That life is not perfect and some in cause young people are suicide them self. ---> this leads to a stressful life causing young couples to commit suicide.

Secondly, in some business family they have rule like that. If father of their family is dead or sick. The first son will take care all the response the family matter and take their business.------> Some business families have a rule that if the father falls sick or passes away, the eldest son has to take his place.

But son don't interest in business and his major subject is others and not related to the business.---> The son might have different interests than continuing with the family business.

Then that is their rule and must be follow it.----> But he still has to follow the family tradition.

Thirdly, in the school some of students not interest and willing to do study but that is parents force to do it and they thought that without education we cannot job in future.----> Furthermore some children are not interested in academics however their parents force them to attend school, stating that without proper education they will not be able to find good jobs later.

but its like wasting their time and money spending on children. ---> Parents are actually wasting their time and money on such kids.

In finally I would to like to say that. Everybody wants to do what they want or wish to do. -----> As a conclusion i would like to say that everybody should be free to do what they want.

But in this circumstance is very hard to do and some things we must be follow the rule of traditional and parents orders. -----> It is not always possible to follow ones heart as there traditions and parent's wishes to cater to.

So this is some people are doing something is not enjoy doing. -------> that is why some people do things they actually do not enjoy doing.
abhigeorge   
Apr 8, 2013
Writing Feedback / TOEFL; School should purchase Books or Computers for the library? [3]

Hi aria, some corrections from my side. I am providing a line by line correction, for overall content correction moderators will have to pitch in.

"It's the century of 21 and the day of internet." .... It is the 21st century and the age of internet.

"Thereexist a lot of app's applications (avoid short forms) that we can install on our PC's and read a lot of books on-line" ...There are a lot of applications which can be installed on our computers to read online e-books.

" I have a lot of reasons that I would give some of the most important of them in this essay." ....There are a lot of reasons however in this essay i will mention a only few.

"At first and the important one that I suggest the computers for schools is for internet"....The most important usage of computers in schools is for the internet.

"By surfing on internet we can go through all the world"...Internet gives us access to a world of information.

"Our schools library can make e-library and I will useful also for future"....Schools can start e-libraries which will last for a long time.

"Contract contrary by books, files on computers do not need to a lot spaces and keeping them is more easier"....Files on computers need much lesser space than real books.

"Their exist a lot of online lesson's that only by buying computer can teach to students.".... There is a lot of material which is available only online.

"For these pose reasons I prefer to computers rather than library for our school."....For these reasons i prefer to have computers rather than a library for our school.

"Another reason for supporting my idea, is that nowadays students spend the most of their time by on computers."

" If we would like to teach more to them we can use than new apps"...New computer applications can be used to teach a variety of subjects.

" I remember that W when I was in high school I learnt my chemistry only by doing it by an app that was produced by a school in the America"...I remember when I was in high school, I learnt my chemistry only by using an application developed by an American school.

"At last but not at least, my reason that I like our school buy computers rather than books for library is for games that we can do by computers."....Last but not the least, computers can also be used to play games.

"Maybe you are thinking that all the games are useless for educational"....Some people think that computer games have no educational benefits.

"In the last year by a medical company, a game that in it we could learn about how we can learn medicine produced"...Last year a medical company released a game which teaches how medicines are produced.

"My brother bought it because he was studying at university in major of medical science"...My brother bought this because he was doing his MBBS.

" I had been learnt a lot by playing this game and I am enthusiasm for medicine now"....I have learnt a lot by playing this game and was encouraged to take up medicine.

" I this year in the course of elementary knowledge for medicine also I got the first score in our class"....I took up an elementary course in medicine this year and stood first in my class.

"Also when I took part in a competition that was between all the schools in our province also I got the first place in medicine."....I also participated in the inter school competition and was the winner in the medicine category. ( moderators would need to further correct this)

"All in all, I suggest that our school buy some computers for a lot of reasons."....As a conclusion i would suggest that our School should invest in computers.

"Easiness in keeping the files on computers, using a lot of e-courses on internet, E-games and any other thing that time do not let me to mention them here."....Saving space by using e-books, having access to online material and computer games among other factors motivate me to say so. ( moderators please correct this sentence as well)
abhigeorge   
Apr 7, 2013
Letters / Letter to employer stating problems in the job [2]

You recently took a part-time job working for a local company. After a few weeks you realised there were some problems with the job.
Write a letter to the manager of the company. In your letter
- explain why you took the job
- describe the problems that you experienced
- suggest what could be done about them
-------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Charles,
I work part time in the accounts department of your company. I took up this job to gain practical experience in accountancy, which would help me with my CA course later. However in my 3 weeks of work here I have discovered some problems.

All transactional data are stored locally in computers of accountants, and later they copy it manually into the balance sheet. This leaves a lot of room for error and is not a recommended practice. There should be a standard method to post transaction records and updating balance sheet automatically.

The software used to maintain the financial data has very limited features. For example there is no possibility to prepare a report based on a particular ledger account. I strongly suggest that the company should invest in better accounting software. Some of the popular softwares are Tally and AccountPro.

Maintaining financial data correctly is very crucial for a company both in terms of profitability and compliance to government regulations. Thus it is important that we standardize our accountancy practices. I hope you would consider my proposal and do the needful.

Thanks and regards
Abhi
abhigeorge   
Apr 5, 2013
Writing Feedback / TOEFL WRITING: Why going to university or college [5]

Hi candy2571, some corrections from my side.

"Nowadays, attending in university seems to be a trend that most students follow to". ....Nowadays, attending University seems to be a trend among students.

But why people are going to university? In my opinion, there should be some reasons." But why (are students ) going to Universities ? Some of the reasons are as follows.

"Firstly, people attending in university will acquire subject knowledge firmly and systematically.".... People attending Universities would acquire in depth and systematic knowledge of their subjects.

"They should attend in classes, discuss on major with others, do assignment after classes and so on" ...They are required to attend classes, engage in group discussion and complete their assignments on a regular basis.

"All these go on in a scientific progress, and at the end of a team, final exam will, in generally, ensure that students have a good commend of the knowledge on the subjects" ....All these will help students to progress, and the end term examination ensures that the students have a good command of their subjects. ---( I am not sure of this construct)

"During period of studying, they should read many relative materials and thought deeply on the issue, so their studying and analysis skill will be improved" ....While studying they should refer material other than their course books and develop deep insight into their subjects. This would further improve their analytical skills.

"At the same time, there should be some difficulty in the way, such as the time arrangement, choosing problem, students should try to overcome them and adjust themselves all the time." ...There would be challenges such as time management and decision making, but the students must learn to overcome them.

"Secondly, life in campus is colorful and diversity, student can enjoy their life during the time" .... Campus life is colorful and diverse and students can have a lot of fun during this time.

"There are so many activities which university students can take part in, such as knowledge competition games which students can pick up knowledge in a interesting form, parties which students can dress up to show their beauty and confidence" ....There are many activities in Universities in which students can take part. Such as knowledge competition and fashion shows where they can demonstrate their talents.

"These events pervade good chance for university students to make friends and have a deeper understanding about others".... These events provide a good platform for making new contacts.

"What's more, there are some opportunities to get a close contact with society, such as some programs hold by company which students will join staffs in doing some work, so these students could learn much by the opportunity of communicating and dealing problem with social elites and experts." .... Some students might get a chance to work with companies, where they could learn from experienced staff members. ( i would need to reconstruct this sentence in a better manner)

"Lastly, with a full education in university, students will get a degree which seems as a access to a good job".... Finally with an University degree students would be eligible for good jobs.

"Now many companies prefer to employ people who at least own bachelor degree".... Today most companies prefer to hire University graduates.

"If a person who do not have this degree, especially in crisis time, it should be a disadvantage to find a job".... A person who is not qualified would find it difficult to find a job, especially during a crisis period.

"This does not mean that the bachelor degree paper is important, but it means the studying in university which has prepared the skill and ability useful in next work."...Getting a degree is not the most important thing, what matters are the skills that one learns in a University.

"So, as I have mentioned above, there are some reason for why students want to go university." ...Your final paragraph should be a little more elaborated.
abhigeorge   
Apr 4, 2013
Writing Feedback / What should children do during their leisure time? [3]

Dear moderators, The older thread has been closed hence starting a new one. Please give feedback on writing and grammar.
thanks in advance.

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Every summer holiday parents have to decide how to engage their children. Now there is a new dilemma, whether to select educational or leisure activities for them. Many people suggest that children should be engaged only in educational activities, which would be beneficial for them in the long run. However I personally think that should not be the case.

Firstly the idea that children will not learn anything out of leisure activities is wrong. There is a lot that can be learned just by performing activities in a group. Playing together teaches team work, sharing the resources teaches cooperation, accommodating everybody in the game teaches tolerance. Apart from these there are many other skills like negotiation and leadership which children can learn while participating in leisure activities.

Engaging in fun activities would also enhance the creative thinking in children. It is a known fact that children who take up hobbies like music or sports do better in academics as compared to other children. It promotes a holistic development in young kids and helps them to learn new subjects much more easily.

On the other hand parents who force their children to attend educational camps would cause more harm than benefitting them. Disinterested children would pay less attention and learn very less. They would feel tired and would have less enthusiasm as compared to other kids. Coxing them against their wishes will also strain the relationship with their parents.

All learning activities for children should either be leisurely or should have an element of fun attached. They have their entire life for learning, let kids be kids and let them have fun.
abhigeorge   
Apr 4, 2013
Essays / Help starting my intro and conclusion to research paper on performance enhancing drug [4]

You may start your report with something like this..

Sports has been a part of our culture from a long time and sports champions have been highly respected. The fame and glory associated has attracted many to try their luck. And as in all fields, some have tried the short cuts as well, performance enhancing drugs being one of them.
abhigeorge   
Apr 4, 2013
Writing Feedback / TOEFL; Keep your old friends or form new friends? [3]

I am not an expert user however I offer a few suggestion from my side.
"Types of friendships vary so are the numbers of them from times to times"... Types of friendships vary and so does the number of friends from time to time.

" It is difficult for people to form such strong bonds,(comma) as they did in their young innocent years,(younger days) ."

" (It is) As if people lose their ability to trust people ..."

"When they finish their college studies (not required) , work and luck (lack) of time makes it more difficult to withhold some friendships or maintain their quality (maintain all friends) "
abhigeorge   
Apr 4, 2013
Writing Feedback / IELTS: Using a computer everyday may affect children negatively [4]

Dear moderators and users, I am starting a new thread as the previous one with the same topic is now closed. I need to score a 7 in writing part of IELTS, but i am stuck at 6.5 with no clue on how to improve my writing and what mistakes I am making. It would be really nice if some of you could review my essay and point out my mistakes. Thanks in advance.

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Using a computer everyday can have negative effects on your children.

Due to the pervasive growth of Information Technology, computers have become a part and parcel of our lives, and due to this children are being trained from an early age to develop skills for it. Today we find most of the young kids hooked onto computers. This early and over exposure to computers has already caused a lot of harm and would cause further damage if not checked in time. I have the following reasons to believe so.

Firstly most of the kids prefer to play computer games rather than going for outdoor sports. Spending some time on computer games is okay however continuously playing for long hours would cause fatigue, irritability, loss of concentration etc. Lack of physical activity is also causing increase in obesity among young children.

Secondly, due to extended time spent on computers children do not interact much with others. This causes underdevelopment of social skills. In extreme cases it might also lead a child to become totally recluse and socially avert. At a later stage it might not be possible to change the behavior of such an individual.

Third and a less critical issue is that children who rely on computers for everything will not learn the concept of research. Since information is so easily available on the internet and Wikipedia specifically, there is no need for going through tons of research papers to prepare an essay or the kind. In a way it is good that information is so easily accessible but it does subdue the importance of learning to gather information.

In the end I would like to summarize that even though it is necessary to train children in computer skills, but over exposure would cause long term damage. Parents and teachers need to ensure that children learn to balance their real life vs. the virtual world of computers.

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