Writing Feedback / Psychiatrist are doctors that deals with prevention, diagnosis, and treatment of mental disorders [2]

You need to break what is now your second paragraph into several shorter paragraphs. What is now your final paragraph repeats some of the information from the previous paragraph, including the fact that you interviewed Dr. Austin after your psychology test -- which is a piece of information we didn't even need the first time around.

Otherwise this is fine if all that you were asked to do is provide an account of the interview. I like it that you included how you felt, as it is important for people who will be going into psychology to be attentive to such things.

Undergraduate / My house is a farm (UF college admission essay) [3]


Not true. Many farms grow fiber and vegetable crops only -- no "livestock."

Furthermore, the metaphor doesn't work anyway. Are you suggesting that your relatives are "livestock"?

Your last line is excellent. Consider using it as your introduction, replacing the atrocious "famr" metaphor.

Essays / BCC ESSAY on my academic life and career goals - I don't know what do I wanna do in future as my job [24]

I guess you could say, "I never had a paid work experience, but I did learn x, y, and z from my volunteer work." This will be especially apt if you did some volunteer work that was in any way distasteful but you stuck with and learned something from, as that experience most closely matches what one learns from paid work.

Essays / Rogerian Argument essay on "moonvertising?" [2]

Arguments for: Sorry, I can't see any. "Marketers will benefit" hardly seems like a strong argument -- an entity that belongs to nobody (and therefore everybody) ought to be defaced so that a small number of profiteers can make more profits? I don't see how that is an argument that would convince anybody other than marketers. So, you're left with: It could be used for a good cause, e.g., teaching everybody on the planet how to use condoms in order to avoid the spread of HIV.

Arguments against: Could start wars over access. Would certainly hasten global warming due to the extreme greenhouse gas emissions associated with rocket lift-offs. Would surely contribute to the growing "space junk" problem. Defaces an entity considered sacred by a number of faiths (sort of like putting up a McDonalds on the Dome of the Rock.)

In a Rogerian argument, you don't come up with a compromise. Instead, you find common ground on which everybody agrees. On abortion, for example, there is no compromise possible. However, all sides agree that unplanned pregnancies are unfortunate happenings. Furthermore, no unplanned pregnancies means (virtually) no demand for abortion, making the controversy essentially moot. Therefore, the Rogerian argument is that all sides should work together to end unplanned pregnancies.

So, the question becomes: What would both opponents and proponents of moonvertising agree? Is there something that, based on this agreement, could be done to make the moonvertising controversy moot?

Undergraduate / How will the realization of your dreams create a lasting imprint on society? [9]

You don't begin to answer the question until the penultimate question and, even then, we must read into what you say to extrapolate the answer. You never say directly that this is the field into which you want to go. Nor do you say specifically how doing so will create a lasting imprint on society.

So, you're going to need to cut back on the philosophical musings that begin the essay and add some specificity to the conclusion.

Essays / Best way to practice writing essays... [5]

Look in your AP English textbook. There are probably questions to stimulate thinking after each reading. You could use those as essay topics. You can also find such topics in any college composition reader.

Of course, to improve your writing, you'll need feedback on the essays you write. You can use this forum, but you might also want to enlist a classmate. You could both write essays on selected topics and then swap and critique your work.

Undergraduate / A Mother's Influence (Common App Essay) [4]


The topic is that or just revolves around it?

I ask this only semi-sarcastically, because I notice a tendency to talk around what you want to say rather than just saying it directly.

Undergraduate / What I would pay for peace [6]

Yes, this would be a good place to start. You could then expand from domestic violence to other forms of violence and go on to express how truly valuable peace is to you.

Undergraduate / Two Months in Peru [6]


This is a bit much. Imagery is good, but "my mind submerges into a pool of crystallized memories" is a bit extreme for thinking back on a time when you learned to do your own laundry.

That said, this story does serve the purpose specified by the prompt.

Undergraduate / "on our way to Africa" - rutgers admission [3]

This is a good start: You've got the rudiments of an interesting essay that answers the question. Your narrative is a bit rambling, but with a stronger introduction and a summarizing conclusion that applies what you learned inyour travels to your future studies at Rutgers, you should be in good shape.

Essays / Christmas essays - Writing about a childhood Christmas; 2-3 page narrative paper [13]

If you are supposed to write a detailed description, then all you need to do is decide at what level you will write your description. If you or your family celebrates Christmas, you could describe a typical Christmas at your house. If not, you could describe Christmas day from the perspective of those of us who endure empty streets, closed shops, and nothing to do on a day when the government enforces a holiday mandated by a religion other than our own. Or, you could describe the Christmas season, with its orgy of consumer spending and glutinous consumption. The possibilities are endless! You just have to decide.

Undergraduate / What I would pay for peace [6]

You can't come up with a structure or an introduction until you have determined what you are going to say. Do some brainstorming until you have enough ideas to fill an essay. Then organize those ideas into an outline. Only then will you be able to decide what should go in your introduction.

Writing Feedback / It is more important to reserve land for human beings than for endangered animal [5]

Of course, almost everyone wants that .

Please leave some space for the animals.I f not, someday in the future, we will find the only animals on the earth are humans.

We have made so many mistakes that many kinds of animal have disappeared from the earth.

If we had thought more about other species, we wouldn't have lost lots of our neighbors.

West Africa lion, white wolf, West Asia tiger...a huge number ofso many animals are extinct.

Also, there are still numerous animals on the verge of extinction .

One day, when the spring comes, there will be no birds, no ducks, no butterflies, not even a single mouse around us.

Undergraduate / UCF "Bump in the Road" (Experimental Drugs) [5]

By the end of the school year, my friend had officially lost all of her friends and dropped out of school.

(Unless there was some sort of ceremony, there was nothing official about the loss of her friends.


No, because even as it stands it does not answer the question. You've described the "bump" and how you initially responded but not answered the key question of how you have adjusted to this and how it will affect you into the future. Do you now wish, for example, that you had taken direct action with your friend once you saw that simply trusting her mother to do something was not an effective course of action? What would you do differently if a college friend began using drugs?

Scholarship / What can you contribute to ___ essay? - alumni scholarship [11]

So... What do you think? What is the role of alumni in the development of a school? Do some brainstorming -- writing down ideas as they come to you without judging them or stopping to elaborate them -- and then look back over your list of ideas to choose the ones you will include in the essay. Organize those ideas into an outline. Write a rough draft. Post it here for feedback.

Undergraduate / 'Soccer fascinates me' - Common app short essay [12]


Actually, I believe it was Thomas Edison who said that genius is 1% inspiration and 99% perspiration. Always make sure that you are correct when quoting.

But you ought not use that quote, unless you are interpreting "common application" to mean "say the most commonly-said thing you can think of."

Dissertations / Need a topic for ph.d in retail management / fashion sector [10]

If you are a PhD student at the point of beginning your dissertation research, you must have some idea what you would like to study. To get ideas of the kinds of topics typically researched by students at your school, go to the library and browse the section where all of the dissertations are housed. You might also ask your adviser for a list of the titles of the dissertations of recent graduates.

Once you have a topic and have conceived how you are going to research that topic, we can help you with the process of writing your prospectus and, eventually, your dissertation. But any ideas we, who are not expert in your field, might have about topics would not be particularly useful to you.

Undergraduate / "Benny? Benny?! Where are you?" (Rutgers essay appl.) [18]

This is a compelling story, and I can understand why you have told it. However, having a cousin with autism doesn't quite speak to the question of "your talents, travels, leadership activities, and cultural experiences" and how they will lead you to contribute to the "vibrant community" at RU.

If you do stay with your cousin's autism as a theme, be sure to break this into paragraphs and edit down the details of that one day which, while traumatic, does not at all answer the question to be answered in this essay.

Writing Feedback / Is it more important to spend more time working than being with family? [3]

This is a solid effort for a TOEFL or IELTS test. Your grammar is generally good, and the essay is well organized.

Sometimes your word choices are not quite right. For example:


I think that you mean to say here that such people build a family with things rather than relationships.

There are a few minor errors. For example:


Here, you should say "people" rather than "person" and place "of" after "question."

Finally -- this won't hurt you for IELTS/TOEFL but it's good to know for essay writing in general -- be careful with terms like "always." It's generally a good idea to be more moderate in one's phrasing unless something is absolutely true all the time.


People can have a harmonious family but do poorly at work for other reasons. Some people escape an uncomfortable family life by pouring all of their energy into work. So, here, you should say "usually" where you say "always."

Undergraduate / "I opened up little by little" - Describe the world you come from [18]


Like many readers, when I see the word "honestly," I expect that the person is about to lie to me. Cut this.


Not at all! Young people routinely pronounce that they will be doctors, lawyers, astronauts, and presidents. Marine biologist is much more sensible. Cut this self-consciously precious sentence, as it makes you seem egotistical.

I can see what you mean about the conclusion: You don't have one. What you need to do is to summarize the main points of what you have just written, stating clearly how these make you a good candidate for UC.

Graduate / addressing a tricky topic-business school essay-Comments welcome. [3]

You do an able job of explaining your unemployment and describing the valuable things you did with your time in the interim. I love the spectrum of activities and believe this will make you a stronger candidate. Indeed, you might want to add a sentence sketching the span of those activities -- from cubist painting to literacy volunteer work -- to your first paragraph. It might also be a good idea to add an anecdote or example of a person you met to the section discussing your volunteer work.

I'd omit the paragraph that begins "In closing." You've undoubtedly made that belief abundantly clear elsewhere in your application materials. No need to belabor the point here.

Undergraduate / Why I want to get into psychology - admission essay [4]

You've already outlined your outline:

I. Introduction
II. What Freud would say about you or your life
III. Your life according to Erikson's psycosocial stages
IV. Your moral development as assessed by Kohlberg
V. Conclusion

Undergraduate / 'Biomedical engineering' - Johns Hopkins Essay- Supplement critique [3]

The story is poignant and well told, but the transition to what you want to study is jerky. I got thrown off by physics and environmental science. It feels almost as if the halves of two different essays have been mashed together. Work on the transition. Otherwise, the essay is strong.

Writing Feedback / A Trip Back in Time [3]


I suggest that you make the time. Saying that you don't have time to talk to her will only increase her belief that you are not doing your best.


This is a sentence fragment.


Read this sentence carefully. Do you see the word that makes it mean something other than you intended? Careless proofreading always makes teachers think you are not doing your best.


Many lessons? Or two lessons? Your sentences need to agree with each other.

Scholarship / Spiral - a scholarship application [4]


Huh? This sentence seems to spiral. It's not quite a tautology but certainly does not explain how spirals could be interpreted as evidence of an omniscient deity.


I'm not quite sure that is true. Certainly, scientists seem to believe that the natural world makes sense, even if we do not yet have the tools or knowledge to understand its logic. That's a far cry from positing some sort of unitary "logical force" that governs the world.

In summary, your writing is often lovely but your logic is sometimes spotty.

What's the purpose of this essay, I wonder? To demonstrate your creative writing abilities? To demonstrate your knowledge of natural science? To demonstrate your reasoning abilities? Which may determine in which direction you should take your revisions.

Grammar, Usage / I need correction of the sentences below [5]


This looks to me like a homework assignment through which you are supposed to demonstrate your ability to do these things. We are not here to do your homework for you. We are here to give you feedback on your own writing. We will be happy to give feedback, including suggested corrections, on any of your own work that you post on this forum. But we will not complete this homework assignment for you.

Writing Feedback / "Happiness is the same as crystal, the more sparkling it is, the more easily it breaks" [2]


That's debatable. Some psychologists would say that happiness is a quite tangible collection of neurological and physiological happenings. So, I'd suggest you phrase the second half of the sentence (which ought to be in its own sentence) less dogmatically.

Grammar:

Sometimes, happiness is as simple as a child picking up a coin on his way to school or finding a toy that he has lost for a long time.

When we are a little bit older, happiness is when we find our real love and get married.

Except, of course, for those of us who are banned from marrying our true loves!


If it's merely theoretical, how could we feel it?

Book Reports / Anne of Avonlea and Anne of the Island [3]


What in the world do you mean by that? Do her words depict her character? If so, how? What do they say about her?


This would be her philosophy or viewpoint on life, not her character.


I'm not sure why you variously use varying numbers of hyphens, but I am sure that no composition instructor will like that. Use standard punctuation.


This is a sentence fragment. Attach it to the previous sentence.


Who is "we"? Also, this sentence is poorly constructed. Do you mean to say something like "This might be called 'the root'"?


Why is this in parentheses?


This is awkward. Say, instead, "These are Anne's thoughts." The rest of this paragraph is very strong.

Graduate / Statement of Purpose_Math_Post graduation study application [2]


Once one is applying for post-graduate study, it's time to quit bragging about primary school accomplishments.

I have taken fundamental courses like Mathematical Analysis, Advanced Algebra, C++, and Database as well as advanced courses like Probability Theory, Operations Research, Numerical Analysis, Discrete Mathematics, Information Security and Cryptology, and Operational S ystems .


Where is the university to which you are applying? Perhaps they use the term you are using elsewhere, but in the United States, the term you want is "statistician."

Graduate / SOP for my phd (Masters in Automotive and Motorsports Engineering) [3]

In it's writing, this SoP is, as you say, "normal" but I'm not sure that's a problem. You're field is automotive engineering, not creative writing. The only suggestion I have is that, if your research interests really are consistent with the foci of the faculty, state those research interests earlier in the statement (perhaps in the first paragraph).

Some edits:

A Solar Car design assignment gave me further challenges to deal . The design was based on the given driving terrain conditions.T he design work was carried out by a team of four, which introduced me to the efficient application of electronic systems in the a utomobile sector. This also helped me to gain expertise in CAD/CAE software required for design and validation by analysis of the entire vehicle.

Research Papers / There are three states of matter;Solids, gases, and liquids [2]

This is not bad at all for an eighth grade essay! I like the ending very much.

The first thing you must do is stop calling yourself a bad writer.

The next thing you must do is proofread your essay by reading it aloud. This will help you to catch errors such as missing words:

It was a quite hot day, and my ice cream started to melt slowly.

Undergraduate / The inconsistency in my life made me who I am today. (biographical essay) [5]

This is a very strong essay. Be sure to spell out low numbers like "six" and "three."

Essays / How do I title a summary/analysis paper? [3]

No, don't use the article's title as your title. Call it something like "Learning Versus Education" and then identify the title and author of the article in your first or second sentence.

Undergraduate / 'Emergency rooms; I was attacked' - UCF topic number 1 [11]


You lose me here. Are you saying that the nurse scenario was made up and that you actually were the girl in the story? Or, are you saying that you identified with her so strongly that you confused her terrible physical trauma with your own past heartbreak? Or, were you actually attacked too? Clarify this however you can.

Undergraduate / The Ten-Digit Number - Common App Essay [3]


I enjoy the whole thing. You're on solid ground here, assuming that other important things (who you are, what you want to study, etc.) are covered in other parts of the application.

Graduate / I want to become an integral part of Canadian society ; PS for a law school [3]

I love the way this essay begins, but I worry that it takes too long to get to the point where you decide to study law and, worse, does not fully explain that decision. Perhaps you could build in some foreshadowing of that decision and also say more about it.

Undergraduate / 'Meaningless life without struggle' - FSU CARE SUMMER BRIDGE PROGRAM [4]


I'm not at all sure what you mean by this. That may not matter. I think that, perhaps, your first paragraph is not needed. Jump in with what you now use as your second paragraph and save the musings about struggle for the conclusion.

A few grammatical fixes:

WatchingT he daily tribulations of a hardworking mother who works nights,and barely spending time with a father who works 16- hour days,are difficult for a daughter to see.

Although they got limited schooling and weren't given the opportunities I was given, they have strong faith in what college education can do for a person's life.

Undergraduate / @ 18 Tyler Franks passed away of a drug overdose; SOP- UT Austin [4]

Your narrative is very strong, but this doesn't quite fulfill the function of a statement of purpose because the purpose you state -- helping people -- is too vague. You say it in three different ways, all too vague:


As opposed to people in some other world? Help them how? How, exactly, will a degree from UT help you in that?


That could mean anything from being a friendly Wall-Mart greeter to being Barack "Yes We Can" Obama. Could you be more specific?


This could cover anything from handing out meals to the homeless as a member of Food Not Bombs to assisting pilots as an air traffic controller. Again, you need to be more specific.

Writing Feedback / Exercise for upcoming final exam: How to be a good manager? [2]


Be careful with word choice. I'm guessing you mean "shrewd" rather than "shrew." I wonder if you really believe that good managers "exploit" other people, with has the connotation of unfairly extracting things from them.

On the whole, this is a reasonably competent IELTS/TOEFL essay. Your structure is strong, your arguments are fine, and your grammatical errors are not so glaring as to interfere with the reader's comprehension.

Graduate / Managerial or Technical? (Admission Essay--Masters in Information Technology) [4]

Hmm, normally I recommend jumping right into a narrative, but here I'm not so sure. Your narrative is so long and varied that one begins to wonder why one is being told this story. I think you need to amend the first paragraph by appending something that explains why you are seeking this degree and how your story relates to that quest.