Undergraduate / 'a good mechanic' - The Ohio State University admissions essay (engineering) [5]

I think that the essay's genuineness is great, however I think that the narrative and writing style is a bit, boring.

From the first sentence, I knew where the essay was going. It is because of the way you narrated the essay. I knew the direction this essay was heading, and therefore I was not too interested to read it. Try and include an element of unpredictability, or use some creativity to express yourself, so that readers can be encouraged to read right until the end.

Graduate / "the diversity of experiences and skills" - Statement of Purpose [4]


^I understand that Statement of Purposes offer applicants a chance to 'sell' themselves to the Admissions Committee. By no means does that mean that you should not be modest. Your superciliousness in this introduction is far from appealing and in fact it reflects poorly on you. This is your opening paragraph, and you do not come off as a character that people, such as myself, would want to work with.

My advice: be modest. Present yourself as a person who has accomplished, but needs and wants to accomplish more, something which can be done at the Uni you are applying to.

Letters / My Job App-- Some Descriptions for my current job and expectations [5]


^I just want other people's opinion on this. If it is one of the 'largest shipping companies in the world', naturally the company should have a reputed name. If this is the case, is there really any need to say that it is 'one of the largest shipping companies' since the name, if it is that reputed, should be able to speak for itself?

Undergraduate / "The future / Community service" - U of I Short essays [6]

In the world of today, it is ... restore a stable economy.The world of finance is fascinating because of how many different levels it has, and how wide-reaching it is.

^What do you mean by this?

To be able to put myself in situations where I can help monitor and benefit people's lives forever would be meaningful and a huge accomplishment.

^Why and how?

I have always felt that people like accountants and stockbrokers, though sometimes seeming dry, often do the most to help others prepare for dealing with economic issues.

^How are these people dry? How are people even moist for that matter?

The multi-faceted approach to finance is one that I find will be perfect for me.
^Why, and how, perfect?

Your essay is weak. You are in some way discussing your professional goals, but not in a way that shows that you clearly know what they are and what it means to you. I would have also assumed that with this kind of an essay prompt, you would want to link how the Univeristy of Illinois can help you with your professional goals

Undergraduate / UC prompt 1 - how Scouting has shaped who I am today [5]


^All of this is just too boring for any reader to be interested in your essay.

The rest of your essay really does need focus. You make a statement on how you have profited during your time with the scout, but that is it. Readers can not determine whether you actually have, due to a lack of examples and discussion.

Undergraduate / "Use you have put your earnings to" - Short Answer Questions [3]

I think these answers are fine.

Undergraduate / 'She did not stop me then' / 'Harry Potter' - Uchicago extended essays [6]

Your first essay is not interesting. It is a 'fabulously dull' topic, and your writing style does no justice to it in my honest opinion. There is nothing particularly gripping about that essay. The ending is rather banal as well.

Overall, I would not recommend the first option.


^With a large font, that book was like only, 300 pages.


^...Very unclear shift in time here. You suddenly go from the first book, to the fourth, even though with the former, you did not want to read it, and with the latter, you have suddenly read all four books...

Your second essay is pretty boring. I guess it because from the first line, readers know that you are going to discuss how you have outgrown Harry Potter.

Undergraduate / Common App - 'She taught me how to skate' - An influential person [11]


^Woah, woah woah woah.
Mayada, you completely misquoted me here.
This is what I said:


^I never said the writer was a bad one. I said that his current writing style can suggest, or give the impression, that he is not a good one. I never once said that the writer is a bad one. Do not misquote me like that lol...

Undergraduate / Common App Topic of Choice Essay "tumbling down the rabbit hole" [2]


^It may have potential to be good if you can work on the analogy. Your analogy as it stands now is quite ineffective in my opinion. Not that clear, not that great, not that well written either.

Your grammar needs some revision here and there and you do incorporate a number of platitudes in your essay.

Also, I do not understand the focus of your essay.
At first, it seems that you wanted to discover and you were fascinated by the computer. Then all of a sudden



^The real word? The Matrix is just a movie you know. I understand that you were trying to link this to the Wonderland point, but your analogy is just not strong and evident enough.

Your essay needs work. Work on grammar and work on your writing style.
Try to be more focused on one thing. Try and be clear.

Undergraduate / Cornell Engineering Essay - Aircraft doors [4]


^Remove. Readers do not need to know that you have done your homework.


^Trite.


^It is more up to you, than the world class researchers, to gain an insight


^How can the college help you do this?

Undergraduate / Common App - 'She taught me how to skate' - An influential person [11]

Your grammar is very weak at times and your choice of words becomes redundant many times throughout your essay.
Some of the words you have used looks like you just used the thesaurus.
Your narrative is severely weakened when you use ineffective and weak similes, that rather than show your creativity, shows a complete lack of it.
As I said earlier, sometimes the words you have used have not been used correctly. This, combined with your poor grammar, suggests that you are not a good writer.

Graduate / University's Master of Science in Bioscience Regulatory Affairs (SoP) [6]

Are you expecting someone on this site to write it for you? If that is the case, this is not the type of site you are looking for.

Undergraduate / Common App Main Essay, On Love [4]

Your grammar is an issue. No doubt about that.
The transition between what your mother did not do for you, and what she did, is not a very good one. You just suddenly mention how your mother is 'dedicated', without any proper reasoning as to what makes you believe she is. You just make sentences, that have some meaning, but absolutely no discussion. Therefore, it lacks personality and effectiveness.

Student Talk / I want to know about benefits to study hospitality management . [6]

They will not be your genuine, personal reasons. What is the point in having other people's opinions as reasons? If you can not think of enough reasons, perhaps this is not your field of interest afterall.

Scholarship / "A good teacher is like a candle" - Scholarship Essay [5]


^You do not answer this very important part of the essay prompt well enough. Your essay rambles a lot and it is easy to lose interest when reading it. Your essay is also too general, rather than just about you on a personal level.

You need to start over. Be more focused, be more personal, be more direct with the essay prompt.

Undergraduate / Common App - Topic of Choice (aimed at Caltech) [3]


^Not everyone is inspired by money. I understand that you said 'many people' and not everyone, but then again, how large is your sample size and how diverse was it? Perhaps, your sample is not accurate enough?...


^Actually it can be, depending on the type of person you are. Not all people feel satisfied at meeting the bare minimum; having just enough food, having just enough shelter etc. Some people may want more, and to meet these wants, they need money. If however, you abide by the philosophy of simplicity, then money has no appeal. It really does depend on the personality and the level of wants.

*Your essay is ok. It is nothing fantastic. You have one or two good points, but many irrelevant ones. Id even go as far as to say that your research on such a topic is limited, and that your views are unqualified. That is just me however.

Undergraduate / DISCUSSS POSITIVE AND NEGATIVE SIDES OF FASHIONABLE CLOTHES [3]

Why did you not type this in Caps locks?

Undergraduate / Question on what topic I should write about (math/science applicant) [5]

I think it is also fair to say that the first two topics are typically far from appealing to literally, anyone.
I personally think that when it comes to an admissions essay, no one cares about what you did with your academic life or how a moment in your high school academic life was 'life changing'; people want to know something meaningful about you, not just how you cope with academics. The 'academic' angle never does that great of a job in demonstrating personality or character.

Also, a long essay on academics can lead to the impression that academics is the most meaningful thing to that applicant. As Universities try to increase their diversity, rather than just admitting nerds, I doubt that those types of essays are appealing anyways.

^That is what I think.

Undergraduate / UIUC Essay on extra-curricular work [5]

From your first paragraph alone, I still see that you are too general and vague and your mannerism of expression is very weak and limited in understanding.


^perfect analytical skills? That is just lame.


^Too general. How on earth does it broaden perspective?

You need to explain yourself whenever you make bold statements.

Undergraduate / Art Institute of Philadelphia acceptance essay [4]

Apart from the grammar that Sean has already commented on, your content in itself is very weak. You do not discuss why you deeply want to go to this college. It seems as if you just typed a lot of sentences, but these sentences lack meaning and depth. You never once say how this institute will SPECIFICALLY help you.

It is as if you wrote this essay for one college and you are going to recycle with with the obvious change in the name of the college in each essay.

Essays / The prompt asks - A/D: teachers should be compensated based on how well their students do [9]

^Sounds sarcastic?
What more do you want?

Undergraduate / "no other choice but to become Saudi" - Describe the world you come from [15]


^Naa I am not Saudi. I do not live there either. I live in Dubai, but I am fairly, not very, familiar with the laws and conditions of living in Saudi.

Yes I know about the Abaya rule in Saudi. Based on my understanding and interpretation, I think that in Islam, women, and men, are supposed to dress in a fashion that does not attract attention from opposite sex members. That is understandable. The 'wow that chick is sooo hot. Damn check her out' is what Islam tries to prevent.

I still do not think that the methods in which Saudi attempts to do this is right, but then again, that is just my opinion. From my understanding, Islam should never be forced upon an individual, let alone a whole a nation, especially considering that some of the people in it are not even Muslims but just expatriates from Western countries.

But I do believe that women who dress up conservatively in very liberal societies draw a lot more unnecessary attention to themselves than if they just dressed up liberally. I believe that with their conservative clothing, these women are drawing a lot of attention, a lot of glances, which is basically what Islam preaches against.

Sean already commented on your intro, and I did so as well earlier.


^Do not use 'it'. It can even refer to time.
Believe my own words?


^The rest does need revision and a fair amount too.

Undergraduate / University of Michigan diversity essay - holiday in Indonesia [10]

Niraj, does your Caps lock button not work? I have read on other threads where you have been told that caps locks, makes it appear as if you are shouting, which is just poor online etiquette.

Undergraduate / COMMON APP ACTIVITIES ESSAY ANY HELP WOULD BE GREAT THANKS!! [14]


^Is it because I do not live in a country in which the first language is necessarily English, and that I am from a country in which the first language is not English either, that I can not 'critique' your 'grammar and written expression'??

lol. You are an idiot.

(I am not saying that I am amazingly skilled with English in any way, as there is always a lot to learn, but) :
It is as if you believe that in order to have an adept knowledge of the English language, one has to be a 'native'. Considering your parochial attitude, I would love to see how you write an essay on diversity. It should be quite a joke.

English is my first language, and judging from your essay, it should be fair to say that my command with the English language is better than yours.

It must really suck to be you, to think that a 'non-native' who is immediately unqualified to offer suggestions just because of his background, is in reality, probably better at speaking the language than you are. Shame.

Undergraduate / Trying my best to explain myself to you in 1800 characters; Stanford/Future Roomate [18]

^Hmmm, yes those artists have created classic tracks. But most of these artist's genre are conflicting genres of rock, yet you have categorized them all under the 'Classic Rock' genre.


^There are different types of 'alternative' music.
And sorry, I hate techno. The lack of melody due to the musical layering just does not appeal to me lol.


^This has an informal approach. But in terms of content,
supposing you came to the room first and decided to decorate it without my consent or even knowing me, Id think 'What a freak? Who the hell do you think you are already making such a mess and making my room look F-ugly'.

If I came first, then left, and then came back and saw that you had arrived and done this, I would still think that what you have displayed is rude and selfish behavior. Also, I do not think that any of those items can ever be displayed 'elaborately'.

If I want to know about your life experiences, Id ask you. But you are suggesting that I should judge you and your life from the stuff you decide to dirty the wall with.


^Lol. You better!


^Yes. I love to eat. But I doubt your foodstuff will strike me, or everyone for that matter, because food tastes vary and what you may believe is brainfood, may not work for me.


^Corny jokes do not make me laugh. Unless I make them.
And I get the impression that you have a strange laugh. Strange laughs can annoy people, and not necessarily make them laugh.

*Like I said, maybe I do not want my photo on the wall. There is Facebook and photo albums for photos, even photo frames. Not everyone likes their walls to be full of photos and posters.

I think the problem with your essay is that you are assuming that no matter what, you will definitely be compatible with your room mate, and that you will all have the same interests and likes, whoever it may be. That may not be the case in reality.

Undergraduate / "you guys sing too fast!" j- Short Writing For Common Application [12]

Your essay has some trite phrases and grammar mistakes.
Also, this essay prompt requires you to discuss an activity. You do, but I get the impression that you are more fascinated by you sticking your tongue out than your activity.

Writing Feedback / WILL WOMEN LEADERS BE LESS VIOLENT THAN MEN, GIVE EXAMPLE AND OPINION [6]


^Kind of a strange sentence, since those are just stereotyped opinions rather than established facts.

Is this even for a Graduate Admission Essay?

Undergraduate / COMMON APP ACTIVITIES ESSAY ANY HELP WOULD BE GREAT THANKS!! [14]

The first sentence just rambles on and has a very weak simile which is quite ineffective.
Your use of the pronoun 'we' is ambiguous, and from a grammatical viewpoint, it suggests that you and your doubters did all that research.
Overall, it is not that strong of an essay. It has scope to be good, but currently, your mannerisms of expression are rather weak and not effective.

Undergraduate / "no other choice but to become Saudi" - Describe the world you come from [15]


^True. Mayada does not do this.


^Depends on the school really.
But your suggestions are valid and can be very useful for Mayada

Undergraduate / Trying my best to explain myself to you in 1800 characters; Stanford/Future Roomate [18]

Perhaps.
I really would not have thought that a spectrum ranging from classic rock to hip hop is that broad. Then again, it is just my opinion.

By the way, what exactly do you mean by Classic Rock? Id just like to know :)

And what do you mean by hip hop? Seeing as how Stanford is in California, are you relating to the West Coast Hip Hop, or the modern lame type of 'Hip Hop' etc etc.

Undergraduate / University of Michigan diversity essay - holiday in Indonesia [10]

^It does all depend on what the writer feels most comfortable with afterall.

Undergraduate / Trying my best to explain myself to you in 1800 characters; Stanford/Future Roomate [18]


*PS i only looked at the music portion.

It is informal because who says 'Dont worry' in a formal letter. Also, I believe I commented earlier, that your approach to this essay is very debatable, since your room mate will not read this. Unless he/she asks you to send over a copy, in which you will both be in the same room and after youve already gotten to know each other...

I understand that classic rock and today's pop music are different genres, but is it really an 'eclectic taste' in music?
I like New Age, New Wave, Electronic (ranging from dream to Minimal), ocassionally pop, Hip-Hop (Not the garbage rap of nowadays),
^Id have to say, that my musical taste is a lot more eclectic, since it is quite broad and consists of many genres...nah mean?

Undergraduate / "no other choice but to become Saudi" - Describe the world you come from [15]


I do personally believe that women in Saudi are oppressed, seeing as how they are not even allowed to drive, but when you say 'by law', which law are you referring to? Saudi law? Doubt it, since Saudi 'laws' are influenced by a particular doctrine on the Shariah laws, rather than what other countries and societies think are 'laws'.

If you were referring to the US legal system, then yes, the comment on second class citizenship can be accepted. In Saudi, I doubt it. (I rambled off topic here. I just thought that you were being a bit too broad with the word 'by law'.)

Anyways, on to the real stuff:


^Lol. True.

But,
I never said she should talk about positive things.

This is what I said:


in response to:


^I was pretty much commenting on a sentence that Mayada here wrote.


^Which she does not. And she is trying to discuss the positivism of Saudi. Even though, she has not stated any positive feelings. Which is why I thought the essay was weak, because this essay just has statements and no discussion and personal opinions.

Undergraduate / "no other choice but to become Saudi" - Describe the world you come from [15]


^I on the other hand, have to disagree. I thought that there is nothing powerful about it. I felt as if I were reading an essay about a querulous girl in Saudi, who decided to change her views just for a US college application essay, or that the Saudi girl decided to criticize her country in an attempt to appear patriotic. I do not know you, but that is what I felt reading this essay. I do not know what it is about your essay that even allowed me to feel this, but that is certainly what I felt.


^That is the only line I liked. It has scope to actually make your essay powerful.

EDIT: Ok, I was a bit unclear so I will go in a bit more depth.


^The first few lines actually are the problem. You make it sound as if it is a curse to be a Saudi. Whilst that can be your opinion, perhaps you should not make it so public because people can understand this as either inappropriate, unappreciative and/or insensitive.


^You never say why you think you should look at Saudi positively. What reasons do you have? Your lack of clarity is why I felt that you just wrote this just for a college admissions essay actually.


^There are grammar mistakes here. Many of them. Apart from those, lets discuss context:

Women in Saudi are known to have less rights than men. Is it really just a feeling, or is it an established fact?
How is Saudi becoming more open minded? Who are 'they'.
What do open minded women mean to you?


^None of this discusses how this has shaped you in anyway. You do not describe this in any detail either. I am trying to figure out the importance of this paragraph. From what I can gather, you just benefited from what standard schools provides its students. That is nothing exceptional.


^How has it opened your eyes?
People do not wait for opportunities. They take them as they are presented.
Ok, then if you know that, why even make that sentence. It is just redundant.
How can you make and create opportunities? Bold statements never work favorably.
What change have you conducted?
How can you make the grass greener?

So many questions and you have actually, provided no answers.

Undergraduate / Personal statement "The fear." [5]


^It is long and it is boring. It is because you are not experimenting with anything new, and you are using just general sentences with vague modifiers.

From the introduction, it was clear where the essay was heading. Therefore, the rest of the essay, seeing as how it was written with just an 'O.K'' style, was far from interesting.

*Also, if the reader can sense where the essay is going in the first few lines, the reader can lose interest. That is a sign, that it is a boring an ineffective essay.

The topic is nothing fantastic, because people on this site alone have written VERY similar essays. There is no real depth in your essay, which is disappointing.

Your grammar also needs revision in many parts of your essay.

Undergraduate / "my obstacle was acne" UCF Essay [12]


^Very very clever.
I did not think of that. However, 'judged by one's skin' is a pun and if used cleverly, (Whether in the title or in the conclusion) can make your essay have an interesting ring to it.

Undergraduate / "my obstacle was acne" UCF Essay [12]


^That is true.


^I would understand if that concept was used for any other essay. This essay prompt however is asking for a bump that affected her personal life. It is more than safe to assume that the essay prompt is asking if there have been any unusual circumstances that have affected the applicant in any way, academically, mentally, physically etc.. so that the Admissions Committee can understand if something had affected the applicant previously.

The essay prompt is asking for an obstacle. Therefore, any writer should discuss the obstacle and why and how it was an obstacle that affected them. To gloss the obstacle over, half way through the essay, with a 'sudden new positive perspective' is, in my opinion, completely wrong in this case, considering what the essay prompt is asking for.


^Mayada, I have no idea what you mean by any of this.
I also fail to see how any of it is even relevant.


^It is possible for people on this site to identify this as a real story. Therefore, speaking for the whole Essayforum community, may not be appropriate. Also, representing all of us is misleading as you are voicing everyone's collective opinion, instead of just your own. This can cause the reader to think that it is a general consensus, rather than just your own individual opinion. That can lead to demotivation. I thought you were against that...

Anyways, it should be su7oor soon in Saudi.

Edit: I am drinking water now

Undergraduate / "my obstacle was acne" UCF Essay [12]

Firstly, your introduction is attention-grabbing, but only because it suggests an air of racial insensitivity on your part, which is NOT a good thing. Your writing in many parts is not clear.

For example..


^Was your acne that bad that even the people within your household stared at you?
Even the people on the street as you walked/were dropped off to/at school? Given the context, your schoolmates would seem the most plausible. However, I had to reason here due to the lack of clarity in this sentence alone.


^If the acne was a gift as you say, then why, why, would you choose to discuss it as an obstacle that you faced? Obstacles are not gifts.

Undergraduate / "moved to Champaign from Nepal" - your decision to apply for transfer [9]

Its not that interesting of an essay. It is really bland, because you state the obvious and mention things that anyone would expect from a training program. You do not cover any depth, in regards to how you benefited. Rather, you just make a point. Points should be developed, especially in application essays.

This essay also fails to convey your personality, due to the lack of personal narrative and emotions.

Undergraduate / How Do You Think Your University Study Will Affect Your Career In The Future [6]

A degree in Finance from the University of Melbourne will equip me with all of the aforementioned advantages and elevate my status in the society.

^No. The degree itself can not give you those advantages. Degrees typically offer an improved knowledge base in an academic discipline. I fail to see how your status can be elevated in society, and why that even matters to you.

Coming from a third world country where majority of the people subsist on less than two dollars daily, it has been very difficult for people to get a sound education as the educational sector is crippled by strike and inadequate funding of the higher institutions by the Federal Government.

^How is this relevant to you? Apart from the first clause, nothing really is...

In today's world of modern technology, studying at the University of Melbourne will provide me with the prerequisite needed in the highly competitive world of professionals.

^What is the 'prerequisite'.

I shall have gained an improved information handling skill such as researching, analyzing and presentation.
^
Not parallel. How can these attributes improve?

I would also have been required to take seasoned perspective ...
^Again, how?

All of which are valuable assets ... are often complex.
The reason to choose Master ... design of this course. The courses offered by the this program which are related to Econometrics, International Business Finance, Financial Institutions Management (this is a very import subject in view of recent collapse of financial institutes across the globe) and Advanced Derivative Securities will give me an edge in my home country where these subjects are virtually non existent and will enable me take a lead role in the upcoming and emerging financial market of my country.[/quote]

*Look, your personal statement is way too vague.
You show no interest in the subject it is you want to study, and you show no interest as to why you would want to study that subject at te University of Melbourne.

Your essay needs a lot of improvement. A lot.