Undergraduate / 'Materials Science and Engineering' - MIT Short Answer: Which Department? [10]

Hmm yes.
Well, I am not going to go down that easily!

Pikafu does not say what it is about the department that is appealing.
He implies that he is interested in nanotechnology, and then just says how it will be an honor to study there. Perhaps a stronger link between the department and nanotechnology should be made. It wasnt clear to me the first time that there even was a link.

How can that department help someone with an interest in nanotechnology?
^^

Undergraduate / 'Materials Science and Engineering' - MIT Short Answer: Which Department? [10]

Maybe you are.
I always thought that with these type of questions, I should say why I would want to study at that specific department. I am sure that other departments in the USA do nanotechnology based research. I would have just wanted to know why Pikachu wants to study specifically at MIT's.

Then again, perhaps I am overcomplicating things.

Undergraduate / Peace Corps Essay Question (discovering new things, overcoming challenges, conquests) [6]

Only you can help make them more specific because only you know the details that will add meaning to the sentence.
Your vagueness stems down to the fact that you are just making factual statements.
Making them specific will involve some personal opinions and personal perspectives.

Undergraduate / Compare yourself now to when you were younger.. [12]


^I am surprised. I didnt think it was harsh feedback. Just good ol useful feedback.


^ ;)


Yup. I was just about to comment when I read that, and do not know what the essay is being written for?
So, I do not really know what type of suggestions I should make. Unless
the essay is 'Compare yourself now to when you were younger'?

Either way, your essay is in need of some revision. Also, as wonderful as it was to read that you visit Dubai, seeing as how I live there, that sentence really was quite ineffective. Noto and Llama have pretty much said why.

Undergraduate / the International Baccalaureate program - UF Application Essay [4]

High school is the pivotal moment in a teenager's life when the most important and meaningful events occur. My high school years can be stated as the most unique; nevertheless, challenging moment I've overcome thus far.

^The first sentence can be removed.
The second sentence: 'most unique'. Sounds really arrogant. After the semi colon, your grammar is pretty poor.


^Indescribable? Yet, here you are, going to tell your readers in some description, about these ways. Do you not know, what indescribable means? Or did you think that a hyperbole would make your essay interesting?


^Wow. Can you at least tell your readers, how? Producing bold statements rarely does any good.


^That is your final line, even though you have not said anything earlier in your essay to suggest this sentiment of yours. Not good.

*You produce no link between


and your second paragraph.
Also, there is nothing 'unique' about your high school experience as you said in your first paragraph. Other IB students probably dealt with what you just did. Others may have dealt with more.

Undergraduate / Common Application Essay - What lead me to my goal? [24]

I thought this essay was just alright. Perhaps, not as great as the other posters seem to think it is. I think it is because of your occassional grammar mistakes, your introduction, and certain parts of your essay that I thought were ineffective.


^Well, this is not quite the effective analogy between yourself and superhoeroes. Superheroes have specialpowers. You were told that you were especiallysmart. Superheroes also use their special powers to combat evil and protect civilians. So if you wanted to be like them, and help just like they did, that would imply that you would be using your 'superpowers', or your 'intelligence', to ward off evil and keep civilians protected. I personally, am not quite feeling this. I would understand if the six year old version of yourself that you describe in this essay said this, but as a matured person? Unless, you want to say that this is how you thought as a six year old. Then again, the 'ive dreamt about doing this since I was a child' card comes into play.


^Thanks to my intelligence? And also 'superpowers'? It may exist in some people and some remote communities in the world, but perhaps not the type of super powers depicted in the media.


^Professor X took in mutants and trained them to help people. This type of 'help' is different to 'helping people' by protecting them and saving lives. This type of help is giving shelter and amenities. This is pretty much charitable help.

It seems that your definition of helping people is quite unclear.


^I do not see why you mention the Professor X thing in that case, because clearly you mention how he helped people because you thought it was a positive example. Despite it being a positive example on helping others, you say that you do not want to be a teacher or a leader, even though you say Professor X trained them, therefore making him a teacher, and everyone knows that he is a leader as well.

Thats not all. But that is it for now :p

I

Undergraduate / Supplement essay.(Language and communication) [7]

Your idea may be good, however the frequent misuse of grammar and frequent use of trite phrases distracted me from the overall theme of the essay. Improve those, because those stand out more than the central idea.

1-Grammar needs work
2-It is good to make a point, and even better to develop it. But developing a point with trite phrases and then just rambling on bores readers, such as myself.

Undergraduate / "A mother of thirty-seven" - UC APPLICATION [10]

I did not read the first part and delved right into your essay at first. I was shocked to read at how you were a mother of thirty seven children, at just seventeen years of age. I thought, 'wow'.

Then I read the beginning. I really dont think that you can compare that to a mother's position to be honest. You may have helped kids, but that does not necessarily mean that you undertook any maternal duties or used your maternal instinct, therefore calling yourself a 'mother' is quite bold.

Undergraduate / Common Application. Help me choose a topic between these two! [10]


^Overcoming racial prejudice is quite a big step in developing intellectual maturity. Having racial prejudice is often due to dogmatic and narrow view points, typically evident in those whose intellectual maturity tends to be quite low. By being able to illustrate how at one point, you had racist tendencies, that now no longer exists, shows your development of character and intellectuality from that point till now.

Undergraduate / "my laugh" - UCF application essay - first draft [14]


^If it is a case of 'no matter what mood one is in', then it should not be a 'tend'. It either does or does not.

In your second paragraph, your usage of the word 'they' is ambivalent in certain parts. Also certain clauses need to be separated with a comma rather than a full stop.

The ending is alright, but definitely could use some work in order for it to be truly effective. Certain parts could be revised. Certain parts could use some more development.


^You did not quite discuss how you accomplished any task at hand, or how you encouraged others. Therefore, just these become bold statements. Unless you can exemplify how you did these, I would not suggest making such statements.

Undergraduate / Common Application. Help me choose a topic between these two! [10]


Why not.

Undergraduate / "Crossroads" - Common App Personal Essay [10]


^No, I can not imagine what can happen in a life time. People respond to things differently. If there is an invariable constant in the world, it is people's responsive nature. Just because a set of people respond one way, does not mean that another set will respond similarly.

And no. It is not implied at all.


^I thought that the Crossroads was a separate essay altogether?

Undergraduate / Common App short answer; At age three, violin was an experiment like ballet and basketball [18]


^Violin is not an experiment. Also, I think it is quite a weak analogy; I just do not see how you you can compare playing a violin to playing a physical sport or performing a physical activity, for these physical activities require a different set of skills and personality traits,( although some of these may be mutual ), to playing the violin.

EDIT:

*Also, this essay prompt asks you to expand on your extra curricular activity, not provide a list of accomplishments.

Undergraduate / commonapp #2: political science, discuss issue and importance [4]


^Since when did the Common App long essay have to do with discussing your academic plans?


^A parent's basic job is to provide shelter, food and the means of survival for their children. Parents can learn how to be parents from their friends, culture, religion and /or relatives. Also, parents can rely on their parental instinct on how to raise their children.

If a father taking the family fishing or a mother being a good cook is your definition of 'parenting', and failure to do these activities allows you to say that 'I mean who taught our parents to be parents', then I am sorry. These are just selfish wants that perhaps you longed and never got.

My father may never have taken me fishing. Does that mean that he is not doing a good job, or that he has received poor advice on parenting? Even if my friend's father never took him/her fishing, I would not question his father's parenting skills or how he learned how to become a father.

This whole concept of yours, altogether, shows a very poor understanding of parental relationships.

*I felt quite discouraged to read the rest of your essay, because I have a feeling it is just going to delve into this whole 'parenting' topic and how it is a personal issue and important to you. I do not think you understand, or know enough, to write a decent essay on it, judging from that paragraph I have just commented on.

Undergraduate / "You must be the change you wish to see in the world"; Community Problem Solving [7]


^You can cut that out altogether.


^Yes, many high school students cannot say they did. They could have infact raised more. Altogether, there is no reason to use the pretentious card. Modesty tends to work best in Admission essays.

^All of these qualities you have listed, can be developed to make your essay more effective. You cay how these qualities have improved, and how it will

Undergraduate / The Art Institute of Dallas admission essay [10]

^From the undetailed prompt you gave us, I can already say that none of this is related to the question.


^What the Art Institute can offer you requires more depth.

Also, does your essay require a formal approach or not necessarily? If the latter is the case, then ok. If not, then I suggest revising certain parts of your essay.

Undergraduate / Common Application Essay - What lead me to my goal? [24]


^It is not 'infamous' as much as it is popular :)

Undergraduate / Signif. Experiences: Bitter and Sweet--UF application-suggestions? [11]


^That is your second sentence. I thought it was a bit of a spoiler for the rest of your essay.

The next week at my own eighth grade awards ceremony, our assistant principal was in the process of announcing the 'T op male student of the year award' . When he began talking, I heard him call my name. My sister, still overwrought with grief, stood up in the crowded cafeteria and began yelling, "Yes! Yes!" to no one in particular. Dumbfounded, I reached the stage wondering why one of the outstanding athletes or gifted students was not in my placeAs I walked to the stage, I was dumbfounded that I was chosen over an outstanding athlete or gifted student in my grade . I gratefully accepted the engraved palque from Assistant Principal Knabe. As I turned to the hundreds of applauding students and parents, I embraced the joyful, proud moment that seemed to be the start of something new, deep within me. Life can surely be bitter, but it can also be sweet.


^Well firstly, I am not sure if you can talk about two seperate events, seeing as how the prompt requests 'a' meaningful event.
Secondly, you make no connection with the lessons you have learnt to your


You talk about taking challenging classes, but do not say why, or what is it about these events that influenced you to want to take challenging classes.

The same applies for the rest. You are supposed to tell your readers how you have learnt something from an experience, and how you plan on using that lesson at UF's community

Undergraduate / Andover High School; My summer - Umichigan Application [10]

There are grammar essays, but I will point out the most obvious one, which is that your first paragraph needs to be in the past tense.

You do not really say why the whole thing was worthwhile.
If everyone on your 'team' thought differently, then how did you share ideas?
A 'unique reasoning'? Please, do not flatter yourself like this with your essays. If your reasoning really was unique, you would have reasoned parts of your essay that need the necessary reasoning.

Also, you do not talk about diversity at all. You just say that you were in a group with five kids, all of whom thought differently.

In your second paragraph, in the early parts, you ramble way too much . As a reader, I already knew where it was going however I did not need five other sentences reading what I already knew in advance. This encouraged me to skim read the essay, and I may have also missed out some important parts just because I assumed that they were unimportant.

So advice: Trim out unnecessary sentences.

Undergraduate / Common Application Essay - What lead me to my goal? [24]

Of just being too damn good. Shockingly good.

Undergraduate / Common App short answer; At age three, violin was an experiment like ballet and basketball [18]


^Were you tapping your feet as you strode up the steps? That is interesting.


^Lack of grammar parallelism.
Also, 'through my mind' or 'in my mind;'.


^Remove


^Irrelevant

You dont really discuss your violin playing, which is what I assume is meant by 'expand on you extra curricular activities'.
Anyways, Ramadan Kareem and Cheetori? Khobam?

Writing Feedback / I laid there,hoping that I could pass into the void & never return; PATIENCE [6]


^What level of detailed feedback would you like? Perhaps, this answer would be made obvious when you make a post with detailed feedback on somebody else's essay.

Like Simone said, you can not expect people to make considerable effort commenting on your essay, when you in turn do not do the same for others.

Undergraduate / 'Summer camp days' - Stanford letter to roomate [8]

There are many grammar mistakes in your essays, that need to be attended to if this is going to be admitted to Stanford.


^I dont really get the purpose of the first paragraph I have just quoted. You used to set your alarm really early, your friend disconnnected the alarm, it turned out to be alight, (even though there is no sign of a conflict to begin with) and one other friend just moves in.

Does not really say much about yourself...

The first four sentences of the last paragraph are quite redundant as well

Undergraduate / 'Corruption in schools curriculum' - Issue of importance - my history teacher [35]


^
It is questionable as to whether you need to mention what school does for it's students. Also, you mention what school does, then you say 'the curriculum', even though you had not introduced it earlier..It sounds wrong.

Also, the final sentence, whilst true, you do need to realize that in Universities, your professors may have biased opinions themselves and may have spent years of research to firmly believe in a subjective view point.

The burden between my history teacher and I continued to develop as the presidential election progressed.
^Burden is not the right word. I think Presidential Election should be capitalized, as I have just done.

My opinion was always undermined and criticized in front of my classmates.
^This sounds as if you were just having a debate. Conversations regarding, politics, history and religion do tend to feature debate. So this is nothing new. Debates will involve undermining and criticizing conflicting viewpoints.

She once commented, "All democrats want to do for the economy is print off more money." At that point I took it upon myself to research the truth. The next day I showed her Obama's economic rescue plan, and her response was that CNN was biased and was not a reliable resource.

^She is allowed to believe that. Not believing it, shows your biased viewpoint as well. Not that there is anything wrong with that.
Also, is your teacher a Republican? If she was, then you could have mentioned how during Bush's tenure as President, money was being printed and that is a fact.

After a couple months my tolerance began to diminish, and when 6th period came about I felt resentment.
^Resentment?


^This reminds of me of Animal Farm, where everyone is just the 'masses' easily persuaded. This can be true, but the way in which you express this is arrogant. What makes you so sure that you have not easily been persuaded?


^You can break off the second line into two sentences for starters. Also, you should clarify who 'we' really is.
I do not get your last line.
Also, I think the symbolism here is quite strong. How the Republicans are more powerful in number than the Democrats. Quite something. A Democratic party with less supporters, does not have a strong winning chance. I want to see in your next paragraph if you have really turned the cards around or if the Republicans did win.


^Two seperate clauses.
I had to continually reminding myself to not be biased and to remain open minded, after all that's the issue that troubled me in the classroom. Not always did I know the democratic stance on an issue, but I grew from what I didn't know.

^Needs grammar revision.
Anything I was unsure about I simply looked it up online and brought back what I learned to class the next day.
^What happened to the debate?

Debating with a teacher taught me to be respectful to my rivals . I learned to make sure both of us had an equal time to talk, and to by no means interrupt.

^This needs grammar revision. Also, this is controlled debating. Real life debating, involves lots of interruption.


^Grow as an individual? How? Are you taller now?
You already left your history class to do some online research by the way.
Also, I do not see the relevance of joining the high school debate team to the teacher having impacted your life.

Undergraduate / Penn State Personal Statement - 'activities or experience' [5]

wow. Whatever I was about to comment on, Simone already did it and pretty much said what I was about to :o

Anyways, here is some other stuff that I found.


^Why did you feel enlightened? Or even better. How?
If anything, I would have assumed it was the children who felt enlightened?
Also, it is 'effect' on people.
And who knows that is even a profound effect? Revise, cause otherwise, it sounds as if you are flattering yourself, even though you are talking about the preaching of spirituality and religion, which I believe advocate modesty.


^Best reward? I liked your previous sentence, but I do not think that this final one does justice.

Undergraduate / 'Corruption in schools curriculum' - Issue of importance - my history teacher [35]

I will assume you did not just read my post as within the six minutes or so between my post and yours, you were busy posting your new essay.

Undergraduate / Art university communication and design department - how should i end my sop? [5]

Your overall essay suffers from basic grammar errors, spelling errors, both of which contribute to the essay seeming unclear in terms of what you want to say.

Also, this essay lacks the depth and finesse required to show how your true interest in art and why you would like to study art at your particular University

Undergraduate / "chances of me getting into Yale are slim" - Yale Supplemental Essay - Unique [6]

Well, it kind of seems as if you are trying a bit too hard to make an essay that Yale's Office of Undergraduate Admission. Other people will also try this card. Therefore, it gets boring and more forgettable rather than memorable.


^They probably are not.


^I doubt you are that funny. I apparently am a funny guy. I have seen people laugh for minutes, but never an hour. So smiling for weeks is just such a ridiculous hyperbole.

Also, eating people's leftovers or doing their house hold chores does not mean you are lending a helping hand. You are basically degrading yourself.


^Please.


^What are your SAT scores like?

Undergraduate / 'Corruption in schools curriculum' - Issue of importance - my history teacher [35]

My bad.

Undergraduate / 'like a zombie' - Standord intellectual engaging supplement essay [14]


^Spot on.

Even worse, there is no discussion as to what the intellectual idea or experience is/was? There is nothing mentioned, on anything that you found intellectually engaging.

Undergraduate / (A cheating incident I was involved in) is essay topic is OK? [9]


^It all depends on how you write it.


^Well, I would assume that the Uni is asking for an official, recorded suspension. If your suspension is not official, and not recorded, then I would assume it is allright. However, I may be wrong.

Writing Feedback / Qualities to be a good and complete student [11]


^This is a lame way of introducing a point. Also, the sentence needs revision because it is wrong.


^Why are you going off topic and making general statements.

*I read your essay. Your grammar in many sections is very weak and therefore, your sentences are clumsily expressed. Also, I do not think that the 'I am going to list things by paragraph. So firstly, secondly, and last of all' is an effective way of writing essays these days.

Your essay needs to be worked on. Focus on grammar revision and your means of expressing yourself in your writing.

Undergraduate / Why I chose to apply to UCF? (my journey to success) [21]


^Horrible way to start an essay. This is just so cliche


^None of this is relevant as to why you are choosing to apply UCF. You are just unnecessarily lauding the University, but you are not giving any reasons why you think UCF is great. This makes it sound, as if you yourself do not really know what UCF has to offer.


^You can infact remove everything before this paragraph, and start with this one. You make points on what interests you about UCF. I think you should develop these points, and say what really makes that point interesting to you, as a person. For example, why does diversity representing everyone mean something to you?

Also, the last line, there really is nothing in your essay to support that claim, hence why some development is required.


^You just point out a statistic, but do not apply it to yourself. It looks like youve read something, but do not know the value of that statistic.

Writing Feedback / Non-traditional Student College Personal Essay [6]


^You have done a thorough job already.

Undergraduate / 'like a zombie' - Standord intellectual engaging supplement essay [14]


^This is neither an idea, nor an experience, that the writer has found intellectually engaging.


^Whilst your points are lovely Simone, I do not think this was the writer's intentions. Afterall,

Undergraduate / "chances of me getting into Yale are slim" - Yale Supplemental Essay - Unique [6]


^Apparently, Gabrielle has an amazing sense of humor. So Gabrielle, if you can modestly talk about that, then go for it. By modesty, I am also referring to not using hyperbolic statements on how funny you are, because such exaggerations tend to be the exact opposite of what humor is all about; they become lame to the point that readers have to cringe and perhaps even bite their lip in agony over having read something that is so obviously fake and not funny.

Writing Feedback / princeton summer- I practiced soccer with my cousins [4]

The essay itself is not very personal, and does not flow well at all.
It follows a 'this and that, this and that' type of rhythm, which needless to say, is something that will bore and fail to impress readers.

I also feel compelled to inform you that your grammar, is in serious need of some work.

Undergraduate / Why I chose to apply to UCF? (my journey to success) [21]


I thought I was pretty clear when I said:



^So what? If you are applying to a University, just so that you can sit in a rocking chair some fifty years later, and think to yourself 'Hmm, I made some valuable decisions in life' then ok, leave that in there (Even though you do not make it clear that one of the valuable decisions of your life would be going to UCF, provided that it accepts you)


^Do not try to imply. Such implications are never clear. State and discuss the relative importance to you.
Also, since when did people with doctorate degrees become equipped to show one what it takes to accomplish goals? Without my doctorate degree, let alone my undergrad degree, I can say that to accomplish your goals, it depends on yourself really.

Undergraduate / 'like a zombie' - Standord intellectual engaging supplement essay [14]


^That is true.


^The essay question however, does ask for an idea or experience that has been intellectually engaging. The writer, has not addressed this aspect of the essay prompt. Yes, you can argue that the writer here has demonstrated intellectual vitality, however in no way, from what I can interpret, is Stanford asking for an example of intellectual vitality. I understand, that Stanford wants to read about an idea or experience. As I have said before, the writer has not done this. At all.


^Well they may. I also thought your recommendations were wonderful, however, they do not apply to the writer because he is writing from a different angle. He wants to say, that writing a Stanford essay, has been his intellectually engaging experience. My previous sentence is a fact, and I can prove it:

Undergraduate / Why I chose to apply to UCF? (my journey to success) [21]


^First of all it is 'criticism'.

Also, you asked:


^If you have specifically requested for advice and feedback to improve, as well as in the thread title, then why are you getting so sensitive?

It was not even criticism. It was just pointing out anomalies.

Edit:

I really do not get why I should tone down. It is not as if I said anything that made, or could make, you cry.