Writing Feedback / What should be taken into account when deciding on the punishment? [NEW]

Hello Fellas,
In this essay, I am dealing with Task Response, Coherence and Cohesion, Lexical Resource and Grammar. Please give me some feedback.
i will give you a thumb, if you comment on my writing with useful suggestion.

The question :
some people believe that there should be fixed punishments for each type of crime. others, however, argue that the circumstance of an individual crime, and the motivation for committing it, should always be taken into account when deciding on the the punishment.

discuss both these views and give your own opinion?

In the last few decades, due largely to the considerable number of crimes, the crimes is becoming a debatable issue around the world. While some people believe that punishments for different crimes have to be repaired to be more justiciable, opponents contend that both circumstance of suspects and reasons why they commit crimes should be considered to make punishment. However, i would personally argue that mental personalities should not be disregarded as a consideration of deciding on the punishments.

To begin with, it is true that the punishments for each kind of crimes have to be upgraded inasmuch as every crime has different level of effect. The bigger effect is gained by culprits, the more punishments they will get. For example, a murderer will get 15 years for staying in a jail, whereas a pick pocket should live in the jail for less than 2 years. Thus, the punishments have to be decided by concerning what kinds of the crimes.

Motivation and circumstance of criminals encouraging to commit the crimes should be considered since many crimes for surviving people's live. Rio de jenairo, for instance, is an obvious example of trading dangerous drugs for constructing and maintaining schools and hospitals. Money earned by this illegal trade is addressed to be a fund to build any social charity. This indisputable fact underlines that the judgement of making the punishments must also concern about he motivation and circumstance of the culprits.

However, mental personality have to be a consideration of deciding punishments as some suspects do not realize that they have committed crimes. Take an example, Sumanto who has mental disorder has eaten a crop but he has merely gotten some mental treatments instead of being prisoned. For this case, i utterly argue that it is more wise if mental ability becomes one of considerations to formulate the punishments.

The aforementioned evidence reveals that while circumstance and motivational influence in the criminals are indicators to decide what kind of the punishment that the culprit will get, i firmly believe that the mental of the culprits ,nonetheless, have to be taken into account when deciding on the punishments. It is imperative for the judgement to be more wise to decide appropriate punishments for the culprits.

Writing Feedback / The diagrams reveals two stage processes of the cement production [3]

The diagrams give information regarding to the process of cement production. In addition, how to produce concrete by the cement for constructing building has been plotted on the diagrams.

By and large, what stands out from the diagrams reveals that these data divides into two stage processes, namely cement and concrete production. While the former relies merely on two materials (limestone and clay), the latter need cement, sand, water and gravel.

To begin with, in the production of cement, limestone and clay are poured to a crusher. After being a powder, it is mixed in a small tube and flew into a bigger tube to be heated by fire. Afterwards the powder is sent to a grinder machine to change being cements. Finally, before this cement is used as a raw material to produce concrete, it is packed into bags.

Moving to the second stage from the diagrams represents that four materials, these are cement with 15 percent of the concrete proportion, water by 10 percent, sand by 25 percent and small stones by 50 percent as the highest proportion, are poured into concrete mixer. Then they are rotated by this machine. After this step, the material of concrete production is ready to be used for constructing a building.

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  this is the diagram.
  

Research Papers / Traffic congestion and pollution, in the last few decades, have grown significantly; how to fix it? [2]

Hello Fellas,
In this essay, I am dealing with Task Response, Coherence and Cohesion, Lexical Resource and Grammar. Please give me some feedback.
i will give you a thumb, if you comment on my writing with useful suggestion.
The question :
Increasing the price of petrol is the best way to solve growing traffic and pollution problems.
to what extent do you agree or disagree?
what other measures do you think might be effective?
....

Traffic congestion and pollution, in the last few decades, have grown significantly in virtually all countries. As such, more attention should be paid on how to alleviate these problem. Whilst some people contend the most effective way to solve these global problems is by inclining the price of fuel, I would personally argue that the improvement of public transport and suitable transport system can be more appropriate resolution. Therefore, this essay will examine both views.

One of viable solutions is the higher petrol's price. In 2015, Singapore statistics authority has published in the Straits Times that the considerable number of using private car causing congestion and greenhouse gases have fallen by 10 percent, due to more expensive price of petrol. This indisputable fact underlines that the importance of increasing the price of fuel for solving these problem.

However, the enhancement of public transport can be an alternative way to solve these problem as well. One kind of improvements is to make public transport more convenient for users. Most commuters in Japan, for instance, are more likely to take comfortable public train to travel than private cars and this has inclined the traffic jam and pollution in Tokyo in 2014. As it can be seen, this effort can be a solution to tackle these globally problematic dilemma.

In addition, suitable transport system set up by government is also able to decrease the great deal of cars in the road as a major cause of both congestion and pollution. For example, Indonesia's government does not allow cars with no less than 3 passengers to pass certain busy roads such as Sudirman Street in Jakarta, called 3-in-1 traffic system. As a result, this system have reduced the traffic congestion in the rush-hours for 2 years. Therefore, the development transport system can be applied in other countries for reducing growing traffic and pollution problem.

The aforementioned evidence reveals that to tackle growing traffic jam and greenhouse gases is by increasing the price of fuel. As well as, for purpose of tackling these problems, people can implement other alternatives such as the enhancement of public transport and transport system. Where possible, people have to focus on solving the global problem to save our earth.

Writing Feedback / Should parents bolster their children to be expert at competing and team working? [NEW]

Hello Fellas,
In this essay, I am dealing with Task Response, Coherence and Cohesion, Lexical Resource and Grammar. Please give me some feedback.

question :
Some people think that a sense of competition in children should be encouraged. Others believe that children who are taught to co-operate rather than compete become more useful adults.

Discuss both these views and give your own opinion?

As the world is changing, societies is becoming more and more competitive. Whilst some people contend that more attention should be paid on how the importance to equip children with a sense of competition so as to be ready in the real life, opponents believe that the more effective way is to teach collaborated skill. However, I would personally argue that parent must bolster their children to be expert at competing and team working.

The reason why children have to encouraged to get a competitive sense is that owning this ability, the children are able to get achievements in their schools. Based on a 2-months study conducted by Manchester University, the champion of Chemistry Olympiad in England can be achieved by the pupils' competitive personality such us ambition and optimism to be a winner. From this indisputable fact underlines the importance of the sense of competition to reach goals.

On the other hand, what the children need in their home work is a collaboration with peers. For instance, education system in Singapore have pushed the students in elementary school to work in team for 2 hours to finish their homework. As result, the average of their score have increased gradually in classes. As it can be seen, the team work is heavily relied the children on their studies.

However, my point of view is that to co-operate and compete with other children are essential for getting the better future lives. The parents should teach both skills to the children as a tool to face real life when they are in the earliest school. Result carried out by Indonesian government in 2001 demonstrated that most successful business executers are people who experts in to co-operate and compete. For this reason, these skills have be equipped with the children. Undoubtedly, the children must get both abilities to achieve their success.

The aforementioned evidence reveals that although skill to compete is important, the parents should not neglect collaboration skill to their children. It is imperative that the parents should concern both skills to get the children's better future life.

Writing Feedback / What do we need the university for? [2]

Some people think that universities should provide graduates with the knowledge ans skills needed in the workplace. Other think that the true function of a university should be to give access to knowledge for its own sake, regardless of whether the course is useful to an employer.

what, in your opinion, should be the main function of a university?
....

In this few last decades, skills and knowledge are heavily relied on to get success in people's carrier. As such, universities should equip their students with those to achieve goals in workplaces. Whilst it is true to some extent, I would personally argue that universities should also give instant access for people to specific knowledge for their own business.

One of reasons why the universities have to concern about dexterity and knowledge needed in the workplaces is that student relies heavily on specific skill to get top manager position in companies. Result conducted by Google Inc. Reveals that 80 percent of high position in this company is skilled worker which can operate programs learnt from their universities. This indisputable fact underlines the importance of specific skill for a high career.

However, in current major, the universities should only give easy access for pupils to obtain knowledge for its own business. Business management, for example, is one of the majors which provide the main role of the university as a facilitator. The pupils do not have any responsibility to get general skill and knowledge in many kinds of business sector offered by the universities. They are independent to choose suitable expertise related to their own business. As it can be seen that the main role of the universities in some subject is merely to provide access information for the children.

The aforementioned evidence reveals that although the universities have to focus on specific dexterity for being successful in workplaces. I believe that in current subject, the universities can merely be consultant for the student to run their business. However, where possible, the student have to be wise to choose offered lesson related to their own business.

Writing Feedback / The professional level of either sport players or musicians can be achieved by the hard working. [2]

It is generally believed that some people are born with certain talents, for instance for sport or music, and others are not. However, it is sometimes claimed that any child can be taught to become a good sports person or musician. Discuss?

....
The parent should focus on their children's talents to get success for a better future live. For this reason, the talent of children is becoming a debatable issue. whilst some people contend that it is a gift from the god. I would personally argue that it can be learnt gradually to become professional for either top sport players or musicians.

One of the reason why people think about the talent to be gift is that the most well-known sport players are of talent since they were born. For instance, famous football players such us Messi, Christian Ronaldo or David Beckham can improve more quickly their skills of technical football than other players. It can be seen that most famous top football players have a gift by which can be a tool for getting professional.

In addition, there is an ability of human that are not be able to be learnt by people like a sensitiveness of tone. A 2001 study conducted by Manchester University showed that the ability to be sensitive on tone in a master of musician cannot be discovered by children inasmuch as it is the gift from the god. As such, an indisputable fact reveals that to become experts of music is heavily relied on the gift talent.

However, in a point of my view it is impossible to be good sport players without training, practicing and working hard despite having a gift talent. Result by Indonesian Got Talent in 2010 presented that 80 percent of skill in singing is from the three efforts. The singer who has a gift to sing beautifully are useless if they do not know a technique of controlling a pitch. This argument points out that although people have a gift to become experts, it is impossible to get it without training, practicing and working.

The aforementioned evidence reveals that even though the children can get a gift since they were born, I totally believe that the professional of either sport players or musicians can be achieved with the working hard. Where possible, the parent should know the talent of children as young as possible and give them a suitable training based on their talent so as to be experts.

Writing Feedback / The average distance in miles in 8 modes of travel in The United Kingdom from 1985 to 2000 [NEW]

The table gives information regarding to the average distance in miles in 8 modes of travel in The United Kingdom from 1985 to 2000. Also, it is measured in per person per year.

Generally, what stands out from the table presents that the british people were more likely to travel in 2000 than 1985. Interestingly, there were 5 kinds of transportation experiencing an increase over the period, namely car, long distance bus, train, taxi and other. On other hand, showing an incline of average distance in England was walking, bicycle and local bus.

To begin with, the parent travelling by England people was by a car, representing by 3,199 miles in 1985 and 4,806 miles in 2000. However, the highest increase of average distance was train by 177 miles. With the same inclination experiencing a growth for the average distance in England, long distance bus, taxi and other were no less than 585 miles over the period.

Moving to more detailed analysis from the table reveals that the biggest decrease of average distance by people was local bus from 429 miles in 1985 to 274 miles in 2000. While the changes of walking decreased by 18 miles to 237 miles in 2000. 1985 to 2000 saw a slight decrease from 51 miles to 41 miles the average distance of England's citizens.

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Writing Feedback / Life cycle of the silkworms - how to produce the silk cloth from their cocoons? [2]

The diagram give information regarding to life cycle of the silkworm and how to produce the silk cloth from the silkworm.

Generally, what stands out from the diagram is that there are 4 stages to the silkworm's egg to become cocoan which is a raw material to make cloth. In addition, the process of production of silkworm need 6 steps to cloth.

To begin with, the eggs are heated by the moth for ten days in a leaves before become a silkworm larva. After 4-6 weeks, the silkworm larva will produce silk thread covering the larva's body. In the 3-to-8-days form, the larva go out from the cocoan and transform to be a moth.

Moving to a production of silk cloth from the diagram shows that cocoan produced by the larva will be selected before being boiled in the water. Afterwards, the boiled thread is unwinded in the range 300-900 meters length. From this step, the thread can be dyed without weaving to be cloth or the thread can be weaved first.

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  this is the diagram
  

Writing Feedback / The host country should welcome cultural differences but people have to follow the local behavior [2]

some people believe that visitors to other countries should follow local custom and behaviour. others disagree and think the host country should welcome cultural differences. discuss?

In the last few decades, travelling to other countries is becoming more and more popular. As such, more attention should be paid on how tourist behave to blend with local culture. For this reason, many a person contends that they should follow the local custom. However, I would personally argue that the travelers should behave well about new culture.

One of the reason that people have to follow the local behavior is that they get more new sensation of holiday. Indonesian statistics showed that 80 % of tourists travelling to Indonesia want to feel a new experience of the local culture such as participating in a traditional wedding celebration or traditional dance. Based on this information, the newcomers should blend with the local custom to feel this new sensation.

In addition, due largely to the norms of the culture, the travelers must obey the local customs. In Timor Leste, for instance, the tourists have to meet with the head of the tribe to get permission to stay in the village with the natives. The leader will give a punishment if the tourists break the rule. It is clear how important it is to conform with the host country's regulations.

However, the tourist, in my perspective, should not adapt with the local culture. Basically, it is because some travelers sometimes find it uncomfortable. A 2014 study conducted by South-Wales University demonstrated that this uncomfortable feeling leads to a significant decrease in the number of tourists in Australia. For this reason, local people should not force the travelers to follow their customs if they feel unpleasant with it. This trend should not be implement on all of the tourists if countries wish to increase the number of tourists.

The aforementioned evidence reveals that while some people believe that the travelers must blend with the host country's custom, I personally think that it is unnecessary for all tourists. Where possible, the tourist should simply give tolerance to the local custom when they are travelling to other countries.

Writing Feedback / The bar chart gives information regarding to the percentage of reason [2]

The first bar chart gives information regarding to the percentage of reason, for career and for interest, to study among students. Whereas, the another bar chart shows the proportion of employers' support. However, the both bar charts are compared with age groups.

Generally, what stands out from the first graphs reveals that the older the student, the less reason for career to study in student's perspective. Conversely, the older student are more likely to have reason for interest to study. The another graph show that the employers under 26 years old is the highest percentage of employers' support.

To begin with, in the student graph, the percentage for career reason form like down staircase, going hand in hand the older of the student. While the pupils under 26 years old have 80 percent for career reason to study, the percentage keeps experiencing a significant decrease until reaching the lowest point at less than 20 percent for pupils over 49 years old. In a sharp contrast, the students aged less than 26 are less likely to have for interest to study, representing by 10 percent. the figure tend to incline after getting the highest proportion at 70 percent for student over 49 years old.

Moving to detailed analysis from the second graph reveals that the biggest proportion of employer support is under 26 years old, namely almost 60 percent. But for the 26-29 age group of employer, the proportion of support is above approximately 20 percent from the employers who are 30-39 years old. Interestingly, the after 40 years old, the percentage of support become bigger until reach more than 40 percent when it comes to the employer over 49 years old.

Writing Feedback / Developing public transportation or making a new type of car? What should be goverment's priority? [7]

The proliferation of private cars on the roads in many parts of the world has led to serious problem of pollution and may contribute to global warming. some people think that government should spend money for development of public transportation system in order to help alleviate this problem. Other think it is better to spend money for the development of electric car and other types of cars that may cause less pollution.

do you think it is better for government to spend money developing public transportation or developing new kinds of cars? why or why not? give reason for your answer and include any relevant example from your own knowledge or experience.

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More attention should be paid on how to reduce the pollution released into the atmosphere by cars' emission. As such, many a person contends that to alleviate this multifarious problem is heavily relied on a new invention of car. However, I would personally argue that the governments involvement should not be completely disregarded.

The first viable solution is a new type of an electric car. A 2006 study conducted by U.S. Environmental Protection Agency (EPA) shows that the pollution released by an electric car is approximately 70 percent less than the average compact gasoline-powered vehicle. From this indisputable fact, this invention is able to cut the global warming emission.

In addition, the electric car can lower a budget for subsidizing gasoline and alters it for supporting trees-planting programs. Singapore, for example, has reduced the subsidy of gasoline by encouraging citizens to use solar-powered cars so as to hold event for planting a thousand trees . As it can be seen, the electric car also is closely related to restrict a considerable amount of pollution.

However, governments as a decision maker should implement suitable policies to this global problem. Firstly, a tax charge which citizens have to pay for getting over a city center has discouraged commuters to take their own private car and is used for constructing the comfortable public transport. For instance, Beijing's inhabitants are more likely to use a bus, which is more convenient, to travel to the city center due highly to considering the cost of tax charge. Moreover, the government should set up 3-in-1 transportation system. Likewise, Indonesia has implemented this system since 2007 in some areas, namely Jakarta and Bandung cities. This system does not allowed one car which the passenger is less than 3 people to get over the two areas. As a result, the substantial number of private cars has decreased gradually. All of this point out how important the government involvement in the global warming reduction.

The aforementioned evidence reveals that besides involving an invention of a new type car, to restrict the great deal of pollution requires an effective transportation system. Where possible, people should be wise to use their private cars to travel.