Research Papers / Hillary Clinton Research Essay: experience, presidential run, moderatism and widespread appeal.. [3]

Hi, Zhou1801. I'll address some parts of your paper:

In our nation's history, there have been few elections that narcissistic politicians have not dubbed, "The most important election in history."

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Although the upcoming 2016 presidential election is perhaps not going to carry as much historical weight as thoseis not the election of FDR, Kennedy, or even Lincoln, its importance should not be understated.

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Correspondingly, this begs the question, "Who?".Who?

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Clinton's potentially historic status as the first woman nominee by a major party,combined withher near ubiquitous name recognition,amongand her many other qualifications make her an undeniably attractive candidate for the 2016 nomination by the Democratic Party.

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Hillary's decades of experience beginbegan even before her years as an author, Secretary of State, presidential nominee, and New York Senator; they date back as far as her years in the White House under the first, and hopefully not last, Clinton administration.

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As first lady, Hillary took an unprecedented role in policy reform, the gender equality movement , and international diplomacy.

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One women's empowerment magazine essayist even suggests that, "Hillary Rodham Clinton has been acknowledged to be the most openly empowered presidential wife in American history, save Eleanor Roosevelt" (Rajghatta). (I am not yet knowledgable enough about citation styles to confirm that you did this one correctly. Some require dates and page numbers - you may want to ensure that this one is compete, as is).

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LikewiseIndeed , Clinton took on multiple roles in government beyond those of herthe traditional duties of a first lady .

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Appointed head toof the Task Force on National Health Care Reform, Clinton was tasked with nothing less than "creating a national healthcare reform plan" ("Hillary Rodham Clinton") ,.(Again, check that your citation style is OK. I'm not sure.) Hillary gained first-hand experience in leading national policy, making and creating reform at the highest levelslevel of government on one of thea key issuesissue which still facefaces the nation today.

I'll stop there. I hope that helps you a bit!

Writing Feedback / In addition to the money from retirement, people should get more governmental support [5]

Hello, shawnxk. I can't answer your question about IELTS score, but I do have some more suggestions on how to make your essay sound clear:

Today,populationPopulation ageing has becomebecomes popularan important issue in many countries. Although I accept that people should save for retirement, I do not agree that the government doshould not need to provide any assistance or public service to the retired people.

As working adults pay taxes to the government, the government has the responsibility to provide healthcare and state pensionpensions to them after they retire. Retired, elderly people often have no income and theytherefore may face financial difficulties because of the rising cost of living costs . ItThis means that they may not be able to afford basic needs, such as food, housing, and healthcare... In this situation, people are more confident inabout their futurefutureslife and, therefore,they are more willing to consume. ,; thiswhich plays an important role in the economic growth.

...An ageing population means thatconsists of less working people who are working and payingpay taxes and more retired people who are retired and receiving areceive state pension...

In my view, people should save money for their retirement life , while the government should also fund their basic living needs afterthey during the retire.retirement years.

I hope this has helped you!

Essays / "Desribe the room you are in" - IGCSE FIRST LANGUAGE- DESCRIPTIVE ESSAY [3]

Hello. I'll also add to Trias's thoughts.


"Mocks me down to" is a bit awkward. I think there could be a better way to phrase your sentiment here. Try something like this:The tomb I am in mocks me, confirming that I am but an apology of a man.


The cell is not huge, and yet, it is not small; it seems perfect for five people ready to die.


No external lightslight reaches into our eyes due to four windowless walls that enclosesenclose us. You go on to say that you do have a little bit of external light through the pipe, so you may want to think of another way to state this. Maybe something like this:The cell is exceedingly dark. The four walls that enclose us are windowless.


The only light we do see iscomes through a pipe that leads outside.


The drawings are not ofwere not made by mad men; instead, they are more ofwere made by men who haveregret.regrets.I'm assuming that you're describing the people who drew the pictures. If you were instead trying to describe the pictures themselves, I would phrase it like this:The drawings do not depict mad men; instead, they depict men who have regrets.


Her dress is pretty, heher hair is short, and her smile is haunting.


On the wall behind, there is a drawing of a tombstone with 'RIP'"RIP" scratched upon it.


The wall opposite my friend Pietro is marked with a long poem that we take turns to readreading as we get ready for the final hour.


The last lines read as follows:" I am the master of my fate; I am the captain of my soul."

I hope that helps you some!

Writing Feedback / Future World - Process Description Paper; Abstract [2]

Hi, diz. I'll work on the first paragraph for you:

For our final project, my group has decided to go with the 3rdthird(I think you could get away with writing "3rd," but I am more confident about recommending that you spell it out as "third") situation.

The year in future is 2065.;Ss cientists on Earth discover that there is extraterrestrial life that exists in universe . TheDd etectors have received radio waves from another, advanced civilizations and every citizen on Earth can tune in to listen. On the other hand, since we intercepted their radio waves,The aliens are not yet aware of us. Once the scientists published their findings about aliens, the whole world reacts vigorously to the issue. Government, citizens, and media all have different attitudes towards this astounding news. Later,In the future world, we alsofindlearn that the government has concealed the fact that they have already contacted aliens as early as thein 1950s ., but purposefully concealed this information from the public for decades.(I moved this last sentence from the following paragraph. I think it belongs here.)

Therefore, inFor our project, we decide to used a scrapbook to includedisplay newspaper clippings to presentthat reveal what life is like in our future world. We prepared our project documents in many different languages in order to show how news of extraterrestrial life would be shared all over the world.Becaus e this issuehas worldwide , we will write indifferent languagestoo . We chose to present all these findingsour project in the form of stories fragmented in newspaper clippings , because we believed that these clippings were especially suitable for showing readers how future people with different perspectives maystories can directly tell readers howthe world reacts to the discovery of extraterrestrial life from different perspectives and what the fu-ture world will be like .

I hope this has helped you some!

Essays / To Live and Let Live [3]

I'm going to add to lcturn87's thoughts about your essay.

To me, "live and let live" encompasses more than just living the way you want, regardless of what other people think. I think this statement is also very much about how we judge other people's choices (not just how they view ours). To me, "live and let live" embraces the idea of tolerance and acceptance, as long as other people's choices don't impact your life. People who "live and let live" believe that other people can make choices they themselves might not make, as long as those choices don't impact others.

For example, if you chose to worship a carrot (I know, it's a silly example) in the privacy of your own home, a person who embraces the "live and let live" philosophy would say to himself, That's pretty ridiculous...I would never worship a carrot, and I don't want my children worshiping carrots...but since he's worshiping the carrot in the privacy of his own home, it really doesn't impact me, so..."live and let live."

I think there are lots of benefits of having this type of philosophy. Being tolerant of lots of different views means we all have a higher chance of living in peace. Maybe this type of philosophy also opens our minds to new possibilities.

There are probably drawbacks, too. It may work if people made choices in the privacy of their own home, but what if these choices "leak out' of the home, and do end up affecting those around them? Also, is it really OK to accept anything and everything, as long as it doesn't affect anyone? Maybe the choices have a negative affect on the person making them, and outside society is required to step in and intervene?

I hope this helps you think more about your topic. It sounds interesting!

Undergraduate / Camden, a city of poverty, violence.. - PERSONAL STATEMENT [4]

OK, I'm back to work on your statement some more:

My freshman and sophomore yearyears of high school weren't really the best. You are using the word "really" a lot, so I'm going to omit it from this statement. It's important to vary your word choice.

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I wasn't sure if I wanted to attend college. I wasn't really sure of myself. I really didn't know who I was as a person. I didn't think I was good enough. I was lost and nobody understood me. There's a little bit of repetition here. Let me suggest a way to present all of these ideas without sounding repetitive:I wasn't sure if I wanted to attend college. More importantly, I wasn't even sure of myself. I didn't know who I was as a person, and I doubted whether I was good enough to accomplish much in my life. I felt lost like nobody understood me.

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Sometimes I often wondered to myself why me, why did I get put in to this situation. There were days were I thought my life was over. There were days were I cried myself to sleep. My recommendation is to omit these sentences. You've already spent a lot of "word time" in the preceding sentences describing how life was really bad for you at this point. In my opinion, this is where you need to show how things turned around for you.

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I always had to remind myself of one thingthat, for every dark night, there's a bright day after thatto come .

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Up until my junior is when I actually knew who I was as a person. This sentence is unclear. Are you trying to say that things turned around for you in your junior year (junior year of what, by the way?). Here's how I would phrase that:It was around the time of my junior year of ? that life started to improve. It was then that I came to truly understand who I am as a person.

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I have hadI discovered that the years and years of hardship I faced in my early lifeexperiences that completely shaped my perspective and the person that I have become. It made meI came to realize that there's no harm in trying (trying what? to achieve one's goals?) . I became a stronger person because I wanted to be stronger(do not end a sentence with a preposition) . I started to believe in myself. Now, I appreciate the things that I can do. Only by taking risks and doing absurd(brave? I wouldn't use "absurd" - it has negative connotations) things, I can achieve the impossible.

I hope this has helped you!

Undergraduate / Camden, a city of poverty, violence.. - PERSONAL STATEMENT [4]

Hi, Jailene1026. I LOVE your opening sentence. It's powerful and dramatic. It makes the reader want to read more. Very, very excellent. I'm going to fix some punctuation and grammar issues that I noticed:

Growing up in Camden, a city of poverty, violence, and teen pregnancies, made me realize so much.
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I don't want to be another statistic to fit into somethe mold of what society thinks of kids today. (You had already stated that you don't want to be a statistic, so I think you need to vary your word choice in this sentence. This is one way to do it.)

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Having a single mom and growing up in one of the most dangerous city'scities in America with three other siblings waswere rough. I know "were rough" sounds awkward, but I'm pretty sure it's grammatically correct since you are discussing two things (having a single mom and growing up in a single city). You would use "was" if you were just discussing one thing. To avoid this awkwardness, you might try something like this:Life with a single mom in one of America's most dangerous cities was rough.

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Seeing my mom break her back to put food on the table for her children with no support was heart breakingheartbreaking .
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Having a father that was always in and out jail basically my whole life. It has always been a challenge for me. The first statement is a sentence fragment. It needs to go on to explain how having a father like that affected you. Maybe you could combine it with the following sentence, like this:Having a father that was always in and out jail basically my whole life was extraordinarily challenging.

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I hope this has helped you a little!

Writing Feedback / Competition improve students achievements - show research in Indonesia [4]

Hello. I'm back to work on a few more parts of your essay:


Let me rephrase this in a way that it isn't just a re-stating of your first paragraph:Those who believe that children should learn to be competitive point out that, in the adult world, adults must compete with other job seekers for the best jobs. Getting into a good university also requires competing with student applicants. Their point of view is that competition is necessary for success, so it is wise to teach it early in life.


I think this sentence should be included in the above paragraph, before the last sentence. This paragraph is meant to explain the point of view that teaching children how to compete is important, so it should include all sentences reflecting that. Here's another way to write it that might flow better:A sense of competition in the classroom can often encourage students to work harder and perform better than they would have without it.If you want to include the statement about the results in Indonesia (which I think you should, if you can really back up that statement), you're going to need to include a citation.

There's a little more assistance for you. I really like the topic of your essay, by the way - it's thought-provoking.

Writing Feedback / Competition improve students achievements - show research in Indonesia [4]

Hello. I am going to help you with your word choice and grammar in the first paragraph:


I think a better way to express your thought is this:Life has become increasingly competitive in recent years.


Let me rephrase this to make it clearer:Some people argue that children need to be taught to have a competitive spirit in order to excel both in school and their future careers.


It's usually advisable not to start sentences with "However." Here's another way to say what you want to say:Others believe that children benefit from learning how to cooperate, however.I do not understanding what you want to say here about being individualistic...Are you saying that being individualistic is important in being successful, and that cooperation fosters individualism? I think it needs to be rephrased - the message is confusing.

I hope that has helped you a little.

Research Papers / The legislative actions on the oldest profession - Prostitution [3]

Hi, Nicole Rose. Here are my thoughts on your introduction:

However, even in a century in which society has changed many traditional viewpoints, the legalisation of prostitution still remains a divisive topic of conversation. I try not to start sentences with "However," so I would suggest phrasing it this way:Even though we live in a time in which many traditional viewpoints have been challenged and changed, the legalisation of prostitution remains a divisive topic of conversation.

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Post 1980, this said conversation has become a subject of legislative action. I think "this said conversation" is a bit unclear. What happened in 1980 to change things? You may want to expand on that just a bit. Without knowing the significance of that date, I would likely omit this sentence.

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Several European countries, most notably the Netherlands and Germany (among others) have legalised and/or decriminalised systems of prostitution. Let me shorten this a bit:Several European countries, most notably the Netherlands and Germany have legalised and/or decriminalised prostitution.

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But was this decision beneficial to our nation's welfare? Do the assets of prostitution domineer the immorality of the act itself? It's usually best to avoid starting a sentence with "But." I think I can make this all sound clearer:Do the benefits of legalizing prostitution outweigh the potential harm of permitting what is usually deemed immoral behavior? Was this decision truly beneficial to our nation's welfare?

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In an attempt to solve my inquisitions I have devised a series of questions in which I believe provide me with a stable platform on which I can develop an educated opinion, and through this presentation I hope to grant others with the same knowledge. It's usually best to "show" than "tell" when it comes to writing. Instead of essentially stating, Now I am going to list the questions and information I came up with to think about this issue and hopefully, that will convince you to think about it like I do, just start writing about the questions and information - that will do the convincing for you. If you need another sentence to close the paragraph, try something like this:Like all complex issues, legalization of prostitution has both positive and negative effects, both of which must be weighed when making a fair assessment of its effect on our society.

I hope that has helped you!

Research Papers / Parents HAVE to vaccinate their children. It is a duty as a Parent [2]

Hi, kalinaskyy. I'll work on your word choice and style:

In the early 1900' s, poliomyelitis, a disease that causes paralysis, ran rampid throughout the population of the United States.
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Parents worried thataboutbringing their children could get exposed to the virus at school oroutinother public places., especially to schools around other susceptible children.

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Children were particulary affected by the disease.with Some even had to bebeing permanently put into a device called the iron lung to help them breathedue toafter the virus resulted inlung paralysis of the muscles responsible for breathing . (Polio causes muscle paralysis, not lung paralysis. Lungs aren't muscles, so they can't be paralyzed.)

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Even Franklin D. Roosevelt, the country's president at the time from 1933 to 1945, Franklin D. Roosevelt, was left paralyzed from the waist down due tofrom polio.

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"In the late 1940s and early 1950s, polio crippled an average of more than 35,000 people in the United States each year" (History of Polio). "The 1916 toll nationwide was 27,000 cases and 6,000 deaths" (History of Polio) and "in 1952, the United States saw a record 57,628 cases" (History of Polio). (Reference material and quotes should be integrated into your own sentences rather than presented as stand-alone sentences. For example, you could say something like this:)The impact of the poliovirus was widespread, resulting in 27,000 cases of the disease and 6,000 deaths from the disease in 1916 (History of Polio).(I suspect you need more for your citation - a page number or date perhaps? I am not an expert of this, so check with someone else.)Another possibility:According to the History of Polio (citation?), polio "crippled an average of more than 35,000 people in the Uniter States each year" during the 1940s and early 1950s.

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l'll stop there, but may try to do more later. I hope this has helped a little!

Undergraduate / George Washington High School Drum Corps - personal quality, talent [4]

Hi, hahaha. Here are some suggestions:

My dedication helped me to achieve my goal of becoming the commander of the Drum Corps in my junior year. I led a team of 15 freshmen and was responsible toforrecruitrecruiting new members, setsetting up fundraisers, and conductconducting practices for public performances and competitions. Often timesOftentimes , it gave me headaches when things did not go as I had planned. However, I am glad that I accepted this challenge, however, because as a result I becameit helped me learn how to be a more responsible and confident person.in every aspect of my life.

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Once I became the commander, I realized that there was a completely different role for me to play on this teamMy role as commander was completely different than it was when I was simply a member . I hadwould need to take direct responsibility for everything mythe team doesdid or failsfailed to do.

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For me, theMy main responsibility of being theas team leader was to ensure that eachthe performance'sperformance was a success. I knew how important it was for members to learn from experience, soand every member learns from experience. To do so, I dedicated my personal time for the team's interest. During lunch,I transcribedtranscribingthe music notes and createdcreating drill formations for mythe weekly practice agenda that week . Transcribing songs can be difficult, but I used what I had learned fromIt is difficult to transcribe the songs. However, with a limited amount of knowledge from a summer City College piano class I took in the summer, I still putted in my best effort for perfectionto do my best(I think you could omit this sentence - I don't think it adds much.) . This was not for showing off my musical talent, but rather for completing a commitment that I made to my members. Incompletion of a commitment would be a failure of leadership and no trust would lie between my team and me. I could not afford a single one of these failures.Therefore, I used both my words and actions to demonstrate my commitment and leadership to the team, and, in doing so, gainedgain theirits respect, trust, and support.

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That's a start anyway. I hope that has helped you some!

Graduate / Personal Statement of UC Riverside Public History MA. Interactivity in exhibit enviroments. [4]

Hi, foxyh. I really love the first paragraph of your essay! It grabs the reader's attention by dropping him into the middle of a scene that you then go onto describe. Really, really excellent! Let me help you with your grammar/word choice in that paragraph to make it even better:

Once asAs I was waiting at the activity cartmuseum for one of thea school groups to arrive to learn the history of Chicago's bridges, I observed a man making his way through the exhibit that was beside me . I could see he was not a chaperone - he was younger and he was alone. He moved quickly and listlessly, only glancing at aneach artifact for a couple of seconds and,givingpaying no attention to the labels beside them. The entire exhibit washad to be behind glass, necessary for preservation purposes , but the glassitseeminglypreventedmade the history in front of the visitor from fully relating to it and enjoying it.farther removed and harder to relate to . The exhibit's narrative was lost on him. He was not able to fully appreciateas he had no idea how to read himself the story that was prepared. I remember the look on his face, one that I have possessed even givenwith my love of history. It was the look that he would ratherof wanting to be elsewhere and would be afteras soon as he had completedsatisfied his cultural duty.

I hope that helped you. I may try to do more later.

Undergraduate / My most memorable holidays [3]

Hi, NatyAC. I'll also try to help you with your the grammar and word choice in your essay:

My most memorable holidays started on theF ather's day. My mother and brothers giftedgaveto my father as a present a trip to Paris. We all were excited because we had never beforenever had been into Paris before . The ideaplan was to stay in the capital city for seven7 days, then travel all the way down to Urdos, a small village in the south of France where my mother had spent her childhood and my aunt owned a homeso m]y auntie, who has got a house there.

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As famous is the Eiffel Tour as it is the fine drizzle that characterised the city. This sentence is a bit confusing. I think you could even omit this sentence.In spiteDespite some drizzlyof the rain, we could visitenjoyed visiting the Louvre, the Palace of Versailles,and itsthe amazing and colorful gardens at the Palace of Versailles , we went to the top of the Eiffel Tour, and many other places.

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I hope this has helped you a little bit!

Undergraduate / 'Continuation of family legacy' - AUC, American University Of Cairo [2]

Hi, islamtorky. I like the upbeat vibe I get from your essay - it'll put a smile on the admission officers' faces, I bet!

Your essay hits all the right points, but I noticed that most of it is devoted to why you want to be an engineer rather than why you want to pursue your engineering education at AUC. Remember that there are lots of places to get an engineering degree. They want to hear why you want to get your engineering degree there.

I think if I was writing this essay, I'd start off the way you did, discussing why you want to be an engineer. I'd probably leave out most or all of the information about your family, and focus on why you personally like engineering and feel like you'll be good at it (you did a great job of talking about that in the last two sentences of the essay.)

That would then leave enough words to expand on what it is you like about AUC specifically. You mentioned that its reputation is impressive - perhaps you could mention that going to such a prestigious institution could help "open doors" for you later in life - sometimes, special opportunities are only available to people who attend prestigious institutions. Or even better, expand on why the institution has such a great reputation in the first place - is it the quality of the teachers, the scale of the classes, special learning opportunities?

If you are happy with the structure of the essay as is, I can instead try to help you edit the word choice and grammar.

Hope that helped!

Writing Feedback / 'The lazy generation' - compare and contrast essay [4]

Kiaraaa123, thank you for your offer to help me with Spanish. How kind of you! I know more than the average, non-native Spanosh speaker, but am not fluent, so I'll keep your offer in mind.

I'm glad I could help you :)

Undergraduate / Resiliency is something I've had to learn quickly growing up [2]

JenniferB,

The fundamentals of your essay are great. You've selected some very big challenges to highlight your resiliency, and I think anyone who reads this will feel for you.

I have a suggestion to make this a super special essay.

Since the essay is about how you dealt with a difficult obstacle, I suggest that you put even more focus on how you personally dealt with your father's death and the serious financial struggles your family faced as a result.

I think if I was writing this essay, I might start by describing how I used to take it for granted that I would have all the things you describe that you ultimately had to do without, like new clothes, supplies, and a backpack at the beginning of the school year. I'd talk about how I never even gave paying for college a second thought because I knew that my family was going to help with that.

Then, I'd introduce the tragedy of your father's death, and the financial problems your family faced as a result. I'd probably talk about my feelings during this time - embarrassment, sadness, even anger (especially about the use of your college fund). I bet your mom was under a lot of stress - you could talk about how hard it was to grow up with a mom who couldn't focus on "mom" things because she was just trying to survive.

Then, I'd talk about how I got through that time. I'd talk about any and all steps I took to get college paid for - after school jobs, scholarships, etc.. I'd talk about how you learned to ignore those earlier feelings of embarrassment (or any comments others might have made). I'd highlight how I came to feel forgiveness to my mom for using my college fund, and developed empathy for her situation.

Then, I'd wrap up the essay by saying how the whole experience has provided you with the maturity and resiliency you'll need to be a success, both in college and beyond.

I hope that has helped you!

Book Reports / What does "Their Eyes Were Watching God" indicate about the author's vision of America? [2]

Hi, baavaz. I've never read Their Eyes Were Watching God, but I did review a summary of the book after doing a web search, so I will try to help you anyway.

First, let me make sure we're on the same page:
Your report is supposed to address how the book reveals the author's vision of America and American life, correct? And you are going to write about how this story shows that the author views America as a place where people can achieve their goals through hard work and determination. Is that right? It sounds like you believe that Janie's path to finding the "right man" is representative of how the author views America as a place where you can achieve your dreams if you are determined and work hard. OK, are we on the same page?

Now, let me add in a few thoughts of my own:
While I agree that the story could serve as an example of achieving the "American dream," my impression of it after reviewing the summary is that its main theme is that of overcoming hardship. Janie has had a really hard life. Her mother abandoned her, her grandmother married her off as soon as she could, her first husband was unloving, and her second husband was self-absorbed and demeaning. She even has to find the strength to kill her rabid second husband when he tries to kill her first. Yet, somehow, she manages to stay in tact, and actually presents herself with dignity at the end of the story. So, my thinking is that this story highlights the calm, self-assured integrity that Americans pride themselves on having when facing adversity. Americans think of themselves as rugged, strong, tenacious kind of people who survive and even thrive despite obstacles. Imagine how hard it was for the first Americans to set up a whole new country and fight off the established British empire...Imagine doing that today - can you imagine how hard that would be? Modern Americans take it for granted. Or think about how America managed to stay in tact, despite being pulled almost to the complete separation point during the Civil War? I'm sure there are lots of examples of how America has faced adversity and persevered, ending up victorious in the end. In my opinion, this is what the author is saying about America with her book.

What do you think?

Writing Feedback / 'The lazy generation' - compare and contrast essay [4]

Hi kiaraaa. I'm going to work on your word choice to make your writing smoother. I've also typed some questions to help you think about things a bit more:

A "generation" consists ofThethe people who are born and living at aroundabout the same time is what we call a generation . The time has passed, we born in a generation that we do not choose, it just happened. Why the lecture calls us "A Generation of Slackers" for more that people investigate about our different behavior we are going to keep changing and there will be a lot of generations.(These sentences aren't clear. Explain what you are trying to say - I can help you make it sound right.)ThisThe lecture addressed is about whatwhat people think about our generation (now the "Millennials") . How they see us that call us like that.

TheOne big difference aboutbetween current and prior generations then and now is the familiarity with technology. ForgG enerations X and Y was when thewere coming of age during a time of rapid technology advancement, so people from these groups are usually familiar with the latest gadgets and programs.was increasing . TheyPeople from prior generationsdon't have the accessibilityare often not comfortable using the latest technologythat we have today,.This is maybe why some of those generationspossibly explaining why they complain about it. We can see thoseThis difference is evident in the workplace and educationeducational institutes. . Meanwhile, now technology makes life easier these days' people don't have to leave their house to work or pay bills and education teaching has improved.(In what way does this last sentence add to your main point? I think this is extra information that could be omitted).

Another difference between the current and prior generations is our ways of thinksthinking.In my opinion,for me people of thatfrom earlier generations are more conservative than people from my generation., carefully and the only thing they do is work.Of course, each generation thinks different, but they are really traditional, limited and I think with more fears.People from my generationOn the other hand, because of the unlimited access we have, we want to challenge (challenge what?) and explore new things. Is likeWw e have that freedom that they don'tearlier generations did not have have in their times(what exactly do you mean by "freedom"?) . Despite this, people from my generation tend to be careless, impatient, and disrespectful.We don't think too much the things and we are careless like the lecture said we can be sometimes impatient and disrespectful.

There are things that older and newer generations share. BothAll these differences are also what takes us to the things what we have in common nowadays. The technology has benefitedfrom technologyboth generations and help us in ourat work. (You earlier said that the use of technology at work was different for the older and newer generations, so this statement is not entirely logical. Maybe you meant that technology benefits both generations, whether members of the generations directly use technology or not...?)They call us lassies, but they join the club because they want to have an easy life.(This is unclear.)WithdD ifferent ways of thinking of both it makes us havecan cultivate new ideas,and that is theyalways a good thing. We can teach and complement each other.

Afterreading(usually you listen to lectures - was that the case here?) this lecture, the only thing that I can approve isagree with is that yes,wemembers of my generation can beare lazy. (After that first sentence, I would expect that you would now list all the ways you disagree with the lecture. I'm not sure you're doing that). For me, the big difference aboutbetweentheolder and newer generations is the technology. This thing calls technology is what make us may go farther than other generation don't.I have learned a lot about generational differences by studying my parents.But, where I can see this difference is with my parents. Obviously, we think differently about things, but I have discovered that they still appreciate my providing them with new information and skills.(Here I think you should address how you benefit from learning from them, too).their ways of think are not the same than mine and what I like about is that at some point they always learn about new thing thanks to us. And for things like that they make us be what with wanting but as always with supervision . AThis lecture like this makehelped me realize that different generations can learn from each other, and also that Tt imes will keep changing.and We willneed to adapt to all the new thing or a generations that will come.

I hope that has helped you!

Graduate / Motivation letter to a school for advertised PhD Admission in Environmental Economics [6]

I'm back to work some more on your letter:

After my undergraduate studies, I went straight into the world of work that provided opportunity for reasonable practical experience making use of my theoretical skills from the program. My experience asbegan working for the United Nations Development Programme (UNDP) as aForest Services Field Specialist and Field AssistantsSupervisor in Forest Services Division.This position provided me with valuable and practical experienceis serving as a platform for my interest in the field of agricultural economics and environmental economics. As part of my work, I assistedhelped communities todesignstrategies to enhance their resilienceprepare forto climate change and natural disasters, advocatingadvocated for sound environmental management and practices in communities , influencing community positive change towardsraised awareness about bad farming practices, farmer groups formation and development, training of farmers, drawing local level development plans etc.trained farmers, developed farmer organizations, and drew up local development plans.

________________
Here's your next paragraph:

In addition to the practical knowledge I gained from my work at UNDP, I have developed research skills that will enhance my career.Further engagement in research work during my work has improved my research skills tremendously. Again,I learned much about data collection(and analysis?) as a liaison officer and part of dataacollection team for a researchingstudy on indigenous knowledge and climate change adaptation in Ghana has raised my curiosity in the field of environmental economics . Also I took part in a number of research works both in school and after school, all of which prepared me for world the research.My research work has also includedAs part of a data collection team for research work onan assessment of the availability, accessibility, and patronage of veterinary services in selected districts of Northern Ghana. Also myMy undergraduate thesis:, "Ii mpact of micro-credit of the livelihoods of beneficiaries; the case of Maata Ntudu micro-credit scheme in Datoyili" all exposed me to the nuances of research, particularly in the African setting. (What nuances? This last sentence is somewhat vague.)

Book Reports / The Pearl John Steinbeck (theme / thesis statement: what you want is not what you need) [8]

Hi, Noni123.

Is your thesis about The Pearl by John Steinbeck?

Why don't we start with your telling us what points you want to get across in your essay, especially about the "warning" in chapter 3 (I don't remember this warning, so tell me what you mean by that). Think of what you want to say and write it here, very plainly - then we can hopefully help you expand your thoughts into an essay.

Writing Feedback / Issue with the accidental findings of many important discoveries or creations. [5]

If I was writing this essay from the point of view of someone who disagrees with the statement (as you do), I would compose it this way:

1. Express my point of view: that good scientists are always ready to accept unexpected findings about their study subjects, making "accidental" discoveries about their subjects impossible

2. Provide examples of scientists who found something unexpected about the subjects they were studying. The key is that they discover something they weren't expecting about a topic they were already researching. A pretend example would be a scientist who is testing his hypothesis that "gene XYZ" causes lung cancer and, in doing so, figures out that his hypothesis is wrong and, instead, "gene XYZ" causes diabetes. He discovered something new and unexpected, but it wasn't an accident because he was studying "gene XYZ" to understand what disease it causes and simply uncovered something previously unknown about it.

3. Admit that there are examples of people who make completely accidental discoveries, but point out that these discoveries pertained to subjects that were not being studied - that's why they are accidental. A pretend example would be that a scientist is studying "gene XYZ" to determine if it causes lung cancer and, while he's mixing chemicals to do the necessary tests on "gene XYZ," he discovers that the chemicals combine together to make chocolate. That is an accidental discovery because the scientist was not intending to study the effect of mixing together the chemicals needed to process "gene XYZ" - it just happened by accident.

4. Restate my point of view that "accidental" discoveries are not truly accidental if the scientist is discovering something about a subject he was already studying.

Does that make sense?

Grammar, Usage / Heartbroken and in a state of deep shock [6]

The words, "made on behalf on unnamed family members" mean this: the person speaking isn't necessarily speaking for himself. He is speaking for family members who are are not being named. Either the family members want to remain anonymous, or there are too many family members to list all of their names.

For example, if I wanted to remain anonymous while expressing how sad I was that Bob had died at his funeral, I might ask my friend Alice to speak on my behalf. Or, suppose all of Bob's 100 relatives wanted Alice to express their sympathy for them - she could just say that they are unnamed because she doesn't have time to list all 100 of them.

Honestly, I think the wording in your provided sentence is very confusing. It would make much more sense to say something like this: Alice says, "A friend of Bob's wanted me to express her sadness upon hearing of Bob's death" or "Bob's many relatives requested that I express their sadness upon hearing of his death."

I hope that has helped you!

Scholarship / Gilman Scholarship: Why I want to Study Abroad in Seoul Essay [3]

OK, I'm back to work on your piece a little more. Am I right that this essay was written in the past, and you are now hoping to revise it? I am a little confused about the dates. In any case, here are my suggested changes:

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The mix of modernization and tradition in Korea is definitely a plus for my study abroad. Seoul is full of the old and the new from landmarks, culture, and technology.

I don't think the second sentence adds much. Try this to make these sentences sound even better:The mix of old traditions and modern enhancements make South Korea an ideal place to study abroad.

___________________

I am a Graphic Design and Asian Studies major at California State University, Chico.

Try this to make this sound smoother:I am majoring in graphic design and Asian studies at California State University, Chico.

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I have chosen Seoul, South Korea as my destination to study abroad in Fall 2014. South Korea is [...]

I want to help make all of this flow better, while still retaining your meaning. I am operating under the assumption that you have been attending this university, and are now asking for the scholarship. Here are my suggestions:I enrolled at South Korea's Yonsei University for the 2014 fall semester, and am working toward a Bachelor's of Asian Studies degree. As expected, I have thoroughly enjoyed being immersed in a new culture while pursuing my education. The experience of learning a new language, visiting historic landmarks in person, and meeting new people has been very rewarding.

_____________________

I'll try to do more later. I hope this has helped you!

Graduate / Motivation letter to a school for advertised PhD Admission in Environmental Economics [6]

Private forestry is an area with a great potential to support the fight to eradicate famine, poverty, malnutrition, illiteracy among other social ills and the enhancement of rural development.

Try this:Private forestry can enhance rural development and help eradicate famine, poverty, malnutrition, illiteracy, and other social ills.

___________________

With this concept firmly rooted in my mind I belief the PhD position in economic impacts of private forest investment in .... with the .... at the .... University is the right place to be. This program presents the opportunity to make a meaningful contribution to solving a crucial problem facing the African continent. It also fulfils my personal ambitions of obtaining PhD degree from a highly reputed international institution of learning.

Let me help you shorten these sentiments:I envision your highly esteemed Ph.D. program as the perfect way for me to acquire the knowledge to address some of Africa's biggest problems.

____________________

My background and training has equipped me the necessary skills and expertise to be able to carry out this research successfully.

You need to add a "with" and change the "has" to "have." Also, I'm going to take out a couple of words to shorten this and add some to elaborate on your research:

My background and training have equipped me with the necessary skills and expertise to be able to perform well in your program and achieve my goal of helping Africa's development.

_______________________

During my study daysuniversity years , I recognized my strengthexcelled in courses such as Agricultural Policy & Development, Production Economics, Environmental Economics, Econometrics & Operational Research Methods, Land Survey, Environmental & Sustainable Agriculture, Wild Life & Fisheries, Forestry, Agricultural Meteorology, Agricultural Botany, Rural Sociology and Agricultural Extension, Agriculture Project Planning & Appraisal, Farming Systems Research, Research Methods, Experimental Design, Agricultural By-product Utilization, Plant Pathology, Agricultural Extension Education, Irrigation, Rural Development and Change, Micro and Macro Economics, etc..

I changed "recognized my strength" to "excelled," added a comma before the "etc.", and added a second period next to the "etc.". I think this could be better if you could think of a label that would encompass all of these classes, then list them if you choose to do so. Like this: During my university years, I excelled at courses in Environmental Economics, such as Agricultural Policy & Development, Production Economics, Environmental Economics,... Then you could leave off the "etc." at the end.

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Through work experience, I gained considerable knowledge and experience in the project cycle, data collection, analysis and presentation, monitoring and evaluation, conducting research, organizing tutorials, research and scientific presentations.

There is some repetition here. I am not sure what you mean by "project cycle," so I omitted it. Try this:Through work experience, I gained considerable experience collecting and analyzing data, presenting my findings, and preparing student tutorials.

______________________

I will try to do more later. Hope this has helped you!

Scholarship / Gilman Scholarship: Why I want to Study Abroad in Seoul Essay [3]

Hello. Here are a few suggestions for you:


I would write it like this:"No pain, no gain," I like to say.


You should changed "determine" to "determined"


Try saying it like this: I want to take advantage of every opportunity I can, and studying abroad is one of them.


Try this: I have been exposed to the Korean culture from a young age; this fascination has grown with time.


I fell in love with all aspects of Korean culture: art, architecture, tradition...


My longstanding love of Korean period dramas and fashion has instilled in me a desire to learn more about the country's culture.

I hope that has helped you a little bit!

Graduate / Motivation letter to a school for advertised PhD Admission in Environmental Economics [6]

Hi, Manisca. I'm going to work on your word choice to help make your writing clearer:

I am writing to express my interest in applying for the PhD position in economic impacts of private forest investment...The part is red is wordy and confusing. What is the name of the program? Is it Environmental Economics? Try saying just that:applying for the Ph.D. program in Environmental Economics.Or perhaps:applying for the Environmental Economics Ph.D. program to study the impact of forestry on developing nations.

I studied Agricultural Technology from 2002 to 2006 at the University for Development Studies where I obtained a bachelor degree majors in Economics and Extension with Second Class (Upper Division).Let me reword this for you:I studied agricultural technology at the University of Development Studies from 2002-2006, earning a bachelor's degree in Economics and Extension with Second Class (Upper Division).

The generation and dissemination of knowledge is a crucial factor in determining the progress of a society.Here's a better way to say this:are crucial factors in determining a society's progress.

Africa is a developing continent with large significant natural resources... try this:abundant

The status of a developing continent implies a significant lack in empirical knowledge in certain specialized fields. This means that the level of knowledge generation and dissemination in critical sectors of the economy is woefully inadequate. Much more needs to be done.I'm going to shorten this for you:By definition, developing nations lack the knowledge to develop specialized industries. They require help improving their economies.

I'll stop there for now. I hope this has helped you!

Writing Feedback / Issue with the accidental findings of many important discoveries or creations. [5]

Hi, dunguyen. I'm not sure what the 6-point scale is, but I'll try to help you with your essay anyway.

I need to clarify exactly what it is you want to say in each paragraph. I'll try to do this for you, but I think it would be best if you did it yourself:

Paragraph 1: You disagree with calling discoveries or creations accidental because good scientists will view all experimental results as important results, whether they were expected or not.

Paragraph 2: You repeat the sentiments expressed in Paragraph 1, this time using Isaac Newton as an example.

Paragraph 3: To me, the first sentence of this paragraph contradicts your thesis - it needs to be reworded to maintain consistency. You go on to use penicillin's and radium's discoveries as examples of how results are not "accidents," just unexpected results that are valuable to the learning process

Paragraph 4: Here, you try to show support for the other side of the argument, using Columbus and Mendel as examples of how discoveries can be "accidental." I think you need to work more on explaining why you think these two examples support the other side of the argument. To me, these examples are no different from the ones you mentioned earlier (Newton, penicillin, radium). Make your argument more solid.

Paragraph 5: A rehash of your theory that all results are meaningful (never "accidents").

If I understand you right, you are arguing that good scientists don't make "accidental discoveries." Good scientists are ready and able to make use of any and all gathered information, whether it was expected or not. It is not fair to say that scientists "usually" find answers to questions they weren't asking because good scientists don't prepare experiments with just one question in mind - they maintain an "open mind" with regard to their questions and the possible outcomes, making "accidental discoveries" impossible. Is that correct?

Once we have a clearer understanding of your thesis, we'll be better able to help.

Writing Feedback / Tourism in Nepal - number of foreigners visiting this country [3]

Hi, aseprudi. Here are my suggested changes to your word choice. My suggested changes are inblueand explanations for why I'm suggesting the changes are inred.

The pie(it's a good idea to use this modifier to separate the pie chart from the table, just in case someone gets confused) chart revealsprovides(I think this is a more appropriate verb to use to describe what the chart is showing)a percentage breakdown of the nationalities of Nepal's visitors in March 2008.(this is a quicker way to say what you are trying to say) the number of foreigners from different regions who visit Nepal in March 2008 and is measured in percentage, and The table depicts(again, a better verb for this situation)measureshow many more visitors came to Nepal from each country in March 2008 thanthe increasing number from March 2007.

(This starts a new idea, so I'm going to use it to start a new paragraph)Overall,it is noticeable that The number of tourists from all countriesin several regions increased by 5,910 over the sampleda year. New European visitors accounted for the largest portion of this increase; Nepal's European tourist count increased by 3,321 between March 2007 to March 2008.(This is a faster, smoother way to express your ideas)In addition, the total number of visitors from all regions from March 2007 to 2008 expanded to 5,910, which was 16 per cent. While the number of tourists from Europe saw as the highest point at 3,321,The number of Asian touristsexperienced as the lowest point atincreased the least during the sampled year, up by merely 188.(this sentence belongs in this paragraph). .

However, the Europeans were the most popular tourists coming to Nepal.This is already stated in the following paragraph)

I think you should consider putting this paragraph before the one about the chart since this focuses on just one year, while the chart compares two years. Also, you should be consistent in the order in which you describe and explain each graphic)Turning toIn March 2008, Asians(38 per cent) and Europeans(37 per cent)accounted for the majority of Nepal's tourists (38% and 37% respectively).experienced as higher number of tourists than the other regions when it came to visiting Nepal.On the other hand,thelowest point ofvisitors was Australiansaccounted for the fewest of Nepal's March 2008 tourists (4%) , which was solely less than one in twenty. North Americans, South Americans, and visitors from other countries accounted for the rest of Nepal's March 2008 tourists (Afterwards, at 21%)per cent, North and South America and other regions showed as the remaining visitors to Nepal . (These suggestions are to show you clearer ways to express your thoughts)

Most of the changes I'm making are to help you express your thoughts more clearly and succinctly. These exercises are really tough, so take heart. I think you did great analyzing the information.

Writing Feedback / The amount of world's energy use in 2010 by type of its sources [3]

These type of assignments are challenging in my opinion, but your did a good job presenting accurate and detailed information about the chart.

My suggestions for future projects are the following:

1. Review my grammar corrections and read, read, read to improve your English proficiency. The more you read, the better you will write!
2. Plan out your paragraph structure in advance. Assign a basic thought to each paragraph, then start a new paragraph when you introduce a new, main thought. Practice the grouping of your thoughts into paragraphs. Be organized about how you present your material.

Best of luck! It was a pleasure helping you!

Writing Feedback / The optimum location for wind turbine is in high land as the wind strengths are maximum [2]

Stacy, your information is accurate and complete, but I think my suggestions will help make your writing "sound" better. It's challenging to try to clearly describe the workings of a complex piece of machinery! My advice for future projects would be to simplify and shorten your sentences, plan out your paragraph contents (restrict a paragraph to one main idea, start a new paragraph for each new idea), double check your punctuation/capitalization, and proofread for mistakes.

Writing Feedback / How to make English lessons more successful? The teacher point of view. [8]

I think that you should explain to your teacher that you received help with your English grammar and punctuation on this forum, but the ideas represented in the piece are all yours.

Writing Feedback / The amount of world's energy use in 2010 by type of its sources [3]

Hi, intiaiqbal92. I'm going to help with your grammar and word choice:

The chart givesdisplaysinformation regardinga percentage breakdown of the sources ofthe energy used throughout the worldand parts of renewable energy in 2010 and is measured in percentage .

Petroleum was the most commonly used energy resource in 2010, supplying 39% of the energy consumed worldwide during that year.In general, it can be seen ...In detail, the petroleum ... had been used by people. The next most common source ... Then, people consumed 23 percent [...] energy supplies. Nuclear energy andFollowing this trend, the percentage of nuclear and renewable power use had more or less the same levelresources accounted for 8% and 7% of global consumed energy in 2010 respectively. . Eight-percent of the world's ...

Within the renewable sector (7% of total energy consumption in 2010) , there are different sources of energy. Biomassbiomass and hydroelectric energy were the dominant resourcesin, accounting forthis sector at 53%percent and 36%percentof all renewable resources respectively.,whereas the percentage ofSolar and geothermal energy both provided 5% of the total renewable energy consumed in 2010. Wind energy accounted foruse was the smallest figurethe least amount of renewable forms of energy used in 2010 (1%).at 1 %. In addition, ... people in 2010.

I hope this has helped you!

Writing Feedback / Weed, the blessing and the curse. [4]

Hi, ernymorphy. Here are some additional, suggested changes to your grammar, punctuation, and word choice:

Smoking Ww eed ( also known as marijuana, Cc annabis, blunt, Gg anja, pot, Dand d ope, just to name a few) is becoming, a phenomenon, no longer a crime.,Thiswhich brings us to thetwo big questions;: What are the benefits and detrimental effects of weed, and do we have enough information to make the decision to indulge?

Cannabis ( as it was called before the 1930's1930s)was aused to be a legal drug available on pharmacy shelves and prescribed by doctors. It became illegal in 1937 due to propaganda from then commissioner of the federal bureau of narcotics, Henry J. Anslinger,. The potency of the drug since then has increased drastically since then .

Many medications are tested for years before they are allowedapproved for public comsumption by the FDA for public consumption are tested for years . Most people would not want to consume drugs that hadn'tthem if they haven't been approval of these drugsyet received FDA approval . Vaccines that could save millions are still being debated upon by many (I think this sentence is extraneous - it's repeating a concept you have just addressed) . In the case of marijuana, however, many people are willing to experiment andwant to play the role of the researchers that is, take the drug any ways and throw reason aside.without a full understanding of all of its effects.

(I'm going to rearrange this paragraph)Unlike the rational, clear, specific, scientific approach used to study most drugs, the research that has been done on marijuana consumption has been mainly observational. Observation studies alone cannot be used to establish scientific facts. Scientific methods are specific and clear but in the case of marijuana most of this protocol is being jumped . Indeed, mM ost of the studies on marijuana's effects are unable to explain the drug'sconclusions are always towards the fact that the mechanism of action is not understood. . One thing does seem clear from the research, however: heavy cannabis consumption starting in the early teen yearsThere might be some doubt on the effect of marijuana on an individual who started consumption in their adult hood but there is scientific evidence backing the fact that heavy cannabis consumption in early teens to adult hood leads to significant decline in IQ scores.

{80% (You should use a citation when using statistics. Where did you come up with this number?) of the cases or articles supporting marijuana consumption are mainly observational.}

Contrary to some large scale publications before,Tt here is evidence that marijuana use can result inthere can be long- lasting changes in the functioning of the hippocampus and the brain' s reward system and the hippocampus . BrainImaging scans show significant brain cell damage in the brains of those who consume weed. These effects are mild for adultswho started using marijuana after the age of 24 years of age and depend on the amount ofwith the percentage of TCH in the weedmarijuana that is consumed . For teenagers and people belowunder the age of 24 and teenagers, the consequences are different and more severe. Prior to age 24,yourthe prefrontal cortex is not fully developed and this(the part of the brain is responsible for planning, thinking, proper communication, and interaction) is not fully developed(and, therefore, is more vulnerable to the effects of marijuana?) . Marijuana impairsharms the brain's white matermatter, impairing nerve signal communication and preventinghighway of communication in the brain prevent proper development of the frontal cortex of the brain .

This is a long essay, so I'm going to take a break. I'll try to do more later - if not, hopefully someone else will pick up where I left off. Hope this has helped you!

Scholarship / Personal Statement for Lost Scholarship Appeal [4]

OK, I'm back. Here are more suggestions:

Despite these obstacles, I hold myself responsible for my poor academic performance.I realize now that I should have sought help from my professors, tutors, or the university's advisors as soon as I began to sense that engineering was not a good match for me. Additionally, I should have never allowed myself to stay in living situations that were so harmful to my studies.Regardless of my roommates, it was still my responsibility for keeping up in school. It was entirely my fault that I let my pride get in the way of seeing that Mechanical Engineering wasn't something I was passionate about and switching majors while I still had the scholarship, as well as letting my roommates' many antics distract me from my goals. I also never utilized the many resources The University of Alabama has to offer, like advisors, tutors, or my own professors as I fell behind in class. I understand my mistakes, andI have learned some important life lessons. This semester, I have worked hard to remedy themthe mistakes I made in the past .

First of all, I changed my major. My decision to pursue engineering was based largely on the field's prestige and reputation for providing future job opportunities. After some soul-searching, I realized thathave begun to work towards my goals to graduate with more vigor. Although I chose Mechanical Engineering going into college, mostly for the prestige and many job opportunities, my real passion has always been in the humanities, particularly history. Ever since changing my major to History,I have since changed my major to History. Because my family cannot afford full out-of-state tuition, I was only able to attend school half-time during this 2015 Spring semester, but in that time I have become much more active in class. Where I used to sit quietly and zone out every time I didn't understand something, I now enjoy listeninglistened attentively to the teachers, and often participateparticipated in class discussions. I am pleased to say that I finished this semester withA'searned As infrom both of the (history?) classes that I took this semester, and am looking forward to what future semesters hold.(sentence moved) .

I have also become pro-active in addressing the problems with my living situation. When my roommates' behavior worsened (destroying apartment property, lease violations), I filed I took a real interest in my classes and began thoroughly enjoying the work I put into them after class. Rather than going back to my ever-chaotic apartment, I began making use of the school libraries and other places to study on campus. Although my living situation has gotten somewhat worse, with one of my roommates' friends smashing windows open and cutting holes through the door to our currently unoccupied room to use that room for their own purposes, I've begun taking control of the situation by filing complaints and a transfer request with the apartment complex management. for lease violations and a transfer request to the apartment complex management, and I no longer let their distractions dictate the trajectory of my own life. I am pleased to say that I finished this semester with A's from both of the classes I took, and I am looking forward to my next semester.I've also found reliably quiet places to study, so I am no longer distracted by others.

I love the University of Alabama, but without a scholarship to offset the out-of-state tuition,My family and I cannot afford out-of-state tuition, so without this scholarship, I may have to seriously consider transferringtransfer to a college in my home state ,of Georgia, to be able to continue affording college . However, I absolutely love it here at UA, and As a History major and an aspiring archivist, I think that I can well represent this university. I understand that I squandered the opportunity given to me, but I have learned from my mistakes, and I hope that you will give me one more chance. If I am granted this scholarship again, I will not take it for granted, and I will continue to study hard to keep it in the future. I sincerely hope that the committee will reconsider theirits decision and reinstate my scholarship for the Spring semester.

Again,I Thank youthe Undergraduate Admissions Scholarship Committee for taking the time to read this letter, as well as providing me the opportunity to explain my situation and the reasons for making the mistakes I made.

I hope that has helped you!

Scholarship / Personal Statement for Lost Scholarship Appeal [4]

Hi, hmbooker. I really like the spirit of your letter, but I do think it's rather long. They probably don't have much time to read appeal letters. I'm going to try to shorten it, using phrases that capture your thoughts in more succinct ways. My goal is also to get to the point faster. Here are my suggestions:

I am writing this letter of appeal in hopes that youwould like to request that the scholarship committee reconsider yourits decision to void my scholarship for the 2015 Springspring semester. I acknowledge that my GPA (2.47) is lower than that required for the scholarship (3.0), but I feel that I have valid reasons for this and am confident that steps I have recently taken will lead to improved grades.The decision not to renew my scholarship was based on the fact that I failed to meet the minimum academic GPA of 3.0; my GPA by the end of my probation period was a 2.47. I fully acknowledge that the loss of my scholarship was entirely my fault, and regardless of your response to this letter, I thank the committee for granting me the scholarship in the first place, as well as taking the time to read this letter.

One of the main reasons I was unable to maintain a 3.0 GPA was that I did not enjoy the mechanical engineering classes I was taking at the beginning of my college experience. I (was a big fan of VS. excelled at ) math(and science? physics?)in high school, so I thought that mechanical engineering would be an ideal major.Although I had a suspicion that engineering was wrong for me byBy the end of my first semester,at The University of Alabama, it should have been clear to me that Mechanical Engineering, my old major, was completely wrong for me. Though I enjoyed the concepts I learned in high school, I found I had no passion for the often confusing mathematics that went into engineering. However, my pride got the better of me, andI persevered, unwilling to quit despite the trouble I was having staying engaged with the material.attempted to continue pursuing a degree in Mechanical Engineering, even though the coursework continued to grow more and more difficult as I grew less and less interested. School, something that I often excelled at and loved in high school, became difficult and dreadful, and I soon began to find myself overwhelmed with classwork. Still, I continued to tell myself this is what I wanted to do, and I honestly thought I could go through with it.By the time I fully admitted that I had made a mistake in my choice of major, it was too late to rehabilitate my GPA.Although I was able to pull my GPA up in the Spring semester of 2014, I still wasn't able to meet the required 3.0 GPA.

Another important factor in my inability to maintain a 3.0 GPA was a less-than-idealDuring this past Fall semester, I knew I had to try harder and get my grades up by the end of the probation period. However, as the coursework increased, I began to give up. Not only that, but my living situation became more difficult to handle . My first set of roommates enjoyed partying, which made studying difficult in the dorm. A subsequent, off-campus roommate (not a student) delivered a baby while living with us, and the stress of having a newborn in the apartment along with the frequent visits from her extended family made focusing on academics almost an impossibility.

During the Fall 2013 and Spring 2014 semesters, I had lived in a dorm with other honors students; this past year, for Fall 2014 and Spring 2015, I have lived in an apartment with at least two others. It started off well when there two UA students living with me, though their frequent partying sometimes left me distracted when I should have been studying. However, due to personal reasons of her own, one of my roommates suddenly moved out and was replaced with a non-student who was expecting a baby. Things only got worse as parties became even more frequent, and when there weren't parties, the new roommates' family began staying the night, day after day, until they were essentially living at the apartment. I began to feel less and less in control, and the stress of having to live with three roommates, a three-year-old, an infant, two older women, a young man or two, and any friends they invited over left me feeling as though I could not fully function in my own apartment. The constant barrage of voices shouting and the wailing of a toddler's tantrum at nearly all hours of the day and night kept me stressed and wholly unwilling to do schoolwork for a subject for which I had lost almost all passion. By around the middle of the semester, I had almost completely given up on school and allowed my grades to drop, bringing my overall GPA to an embarrassing 2.47.

I need to go now, but will try to do more later...Or perhaps someone else can pick up where I left off. Hope this has helped you!

Writing Feedback / The people will eventually lose interest in going to Cinema. Agree or disagree? [3]

Hi, Raj44. I'm going to assume that "LCD" refers to LCD television. Here are my grammar/word choice corrections:

Cinema has been consideredbeen the favoredasanextremelypowerful source of entertainment fromfor many years. HoweverAlthough some people feel that it'sits popularitytrend has decreasedrecently declinedowing to certain reasons , but stil l I believe that it remains a top choice for people seekingcinemainspite of major evolution in the field of entertainment ,the Cinema would not lost it's existance .

To begin withThethe critics of Cinema,they may question whether cinema can compete withit's value as they might think that large- screen, in-home LCD televisions . LCD's withThey argue that LCD televisions offer better video and sound quality may replace cinemathan the cinema can . Nevertheless,Although LCD televisionsLCD'shave improved theprovide high quality of entertainment available atin the home, but stillthe cinemaCinema is often choosen more by people than seeing movie at home ,because it provides better environment to oneself in order to cut-off completly from daily routine and stressesoffers the unique experience of being able to completely escape the stresses of daily life.I personally prefer going to the cinema over watching movies at home because it gives me the opportunity to enjoy a nice, restaurant meal while out for my entertainment.For instance, I feel more relaxed and happy after seeing a movie in a theatre than at home because I also get an opportunity to taste the restaurant food.

Moreover, most of the people in the developing world are from lower middle class families and cannot afford an expensive LCD television for something as trivial as entertainment . Just for the sake of reducing monotony in life ,they cannot afford an LCD worth thousands of rupees.So , Cinema is the only choice left for them.

To sum up, the cinema has been offeringoffersmany benefits totha massesthat other methods of entertainment (such as LCD televisions) cannot.couldnot be possible by use ofany other means ,such as, a LCD . Certainly, the use of Cinema by way of entertainment would not reduce in future.It is inconceivable that it will lose any appeal in the future.

I hope that has helped you!

Scholarship / Describe in no more than 500 characters the reason for studying abroad - IELTS Scholarship Essay [2]

Hi, peppyonboard. I think you are on the right track. Here are the questions I think you should ask yourself when brainstorming for your essay:

1. What is it about this program that makes it so special? Is it well-known in your area of interest? Does it offer the best classes, the best professors, or unique training experiences that you can't get elsewhere? Use your essay to highlight why you want to go to school there, rather than somewhere else. Talk about how proud you would be to be a representative for that program.

2. How are you going to "give back" after you receive this scholarship money? They want to hear how you plan to use the skills that you acquire at this program to improve society in some way, whether it be through teaching, research, etc.. Focus on how you are going to benefit mankind.

3. Why are you deserving of this money? Talk about how you are a serious student - you study hard, make good grades, have a goal in mind. Talk about your talents, your skills. Make a good case for why you deserve this money instead of someone else.

Good luck!

Writing Feedback / How to make English lessons more successful? The teacher point of view. [8]

Yes, I will! Here's some more editing help:

Finally and without a doubt, Homework and in-class assignmentsactivatesteachesteach students how to engage with their studies, problem solve, and think independently, all while improvingto improve their English. SettingDoing homework allowsgives students an opportunity to reviserevisit content learnttaught during the day, facilitating learningandgives them another opportunity to review the class material . Homework assignments can encourage students toIn addition to, homework will teach how to solve problem and use outside resources like a dictionary or the Internet. The most effectiveAs a final point, some of the effective English homework assignments help students develop independent thinking skills that can be applied to reading comprehension, speaking, and even teaching others.choose things for themselves, decide on their own, such as find the main idea for long articles, or like what we did in our class, which is every student have to make a lesson for a certain phrasal verb and teach it for a group of students.It is helpful to assign a variety of different types of homework assignments (including the watching of English movies or short video clips) to keep the material fresh and interesting to students while studying at home. In addition, the kind of homework is also important. Since many students are listen of speak their own native language outside the class successful teacher suppose to assign a variety of assignments to his/her students, like watching movies or short video clips to keep students engaging with English even at home. Homework is allows students and teachers to work more closely together (I think you need to elaborate a bit here by describing how homework helps students and teachers work more closely together - or remove this last sentence.) .

I now feel,after beingMy experience working as a teacher of the group in my class and writing this essayhas shown me that the most successful educators are ones who are able toBeingsuccessful English teachers requires the ability to make learning an entertaining experience.Charismatic teacherslearning can help strengthen students' communication talentsskills,andbuildsbuildself-possessionself-confidence , Moreover, teaching with charisma toand inspire students to think independentlycreate their own visions about their language . Homework canFurthermore, make homework meaningful for students will carries a lot of advantages because it can help students to understandingunderstand their lessons by reinforcing material taught in the classroom.the topic more thoughtful. Effective teachers should use a variety of teaching styles and assignmentsprovide his/her students withmany and variedways of teaching to meet their need toto help students improve their English both in and out of the classroomclassalong with outside classinreal life .

What do you think? Did this help you?

Writing Feedback / Essay on why the development of nuclear power should be halted" [3]

Hi, Rybarczyk. I'm going to work on your essay's grammar and word choice:

Over the years,a wealth of various kindsmany new ways of producing energy hashave been evolvingdeveloped . People hashavecameup with ideas such ascreatinglearned to harness energy from the use ofmoving water orand wind . however Not every idea is connected withuses safe, natural resources -andso nowadays we canhave also seen thesee a rapid development of nuclear power. This has to be halted, but why?

FirstThe point that needs to be discussed is a matter of safety. Within decades,the world has seenthere have been a few, huge nuclear leaks, all of wichwhichwerecalamitoushad devastatingin their consequences. People who live in the places whereDwellers of cities in which suchthese catastropheshas occurred had to take a great deal ofmultiple medicines as precaution from theirto prevent genegene's modifications . This medication was usually successful,By and large it worked but not always;,thus there were cases of serious afflictionsorand even death.

Another thing connected with healthdrawback to the use of nuclear power is radioactive waste.A large amount of radioactive waste accumulateswhichis left in bucket-loads after the process of creating nuclear power. Such radioactivity doubtlesslyinevitably harms thehas a negative impact on environment. Consequently,the lives of people as well asand animals who liveliving near the factorynuclear factories are in dangerat risk of developing cancer and even dying from radiation exposure .

To sum up,and make my opinion clear , I am of the opinion that more important reason is radioactive waste is a major problem and the main reason we should halt the development of nuclear power . Even when factories uphold the strict safety regulations that have been established to protect surrounding communities, radioactive waste accumulates as nuclear power is produced. Because this waste stays radioactive for many, many years, it poses a threat to people and the environment for many future generations .It is because safety can be kept thanks to strict control of each factory and quick removal of every mistake. On the contrary radioactive waste is produced always while producing energy that way and it is stored in enormous quantities for many years so the quality of people's lives is on the lower level thanks to bad state of environment.

I hope this has helped you!