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Posts by andika_soppeng
Name: bark von dom
Joined: Feb 3, 2016
Last Post: Sep 30, 2016
Threads: -
Posts: 16  
Likes: 2
From: Indonesia
School: El Kampreto University

Displayed posts: 16
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andika_soppeng   
Sep 30, 2016
Writing Feedback / Most of the money in Ireland, Italy, Spain, Sweden and Turkey went on food, drinks and tobacco [3]

HI

Fuziahtami

I had read your writing task 1 carefully,,,
however this essay is quite difficult to understand and tend to make me confuse,,

Overall, there are five countries,(...): Ireland, Italy, Spain, Sweden and Turkey .
... most of the money IS in five countries spent on food, (...), Leisure/ education are WERE the least and clothing/ footwear at the second place.( JUST MENTION THE GREATEST AND THE LOWEST PROPORTION.

In 2002, Turkey has SAW a significant proportion of ...
Besides, Sweden has WITNESSED the smallest number ...
The smallest number has SHOWED owned by Sweden at just ...

... has the smallest number compared TO the others. In this case, Turkey also at the first position at ... ( THERE IS NO VERB IN THIS SENTENCE). Spain has HAD the fewest number ...

after reading you confusing writing , I can give you some advice which is important to take into account

1. in introduction, paraphrase the question and give overview by mentioning the greatest and the lowest quantity.
2. in body, attempt to group the similar pattern of information
3 avoid listing and attempt to make comparison
e,g : while turkey saw the greatest proportion, Sweden experienced the lowest,,,> this sentence compare the highest and the lowest percentage.
4. use appropriate collocation
e.g : compare + to
different + from or then
5. pay attention on grammatical accuracy,
E.g writing above have to use past tense or past perfect tense while you utilize present tense
6. pay attention on your sentence
every sentence have to consist of 1 verb
while in your writing I discover some sentence do not have VERB
e.g: Turkey also at the first position at 4,35 percent consumption

7. use language of change
andika_soppeng   
Sep 29, 2016
Writing Feedback / Specialist schools, grammar schools, voluntary-controlled schools are programs and their pupils. [2]

HI DIOBA,
I HAVE READ YOUR WRITING,,, HOWEVER, THIS WRITING SEEMS CONFUSING TO ME

... of pupils attending four DIFFERENT secondary school types between 2000 and 2009.
It is importance to notice that IN ANY CASE ,only community schools ... ( THIS ISPRETTY CONFUSING TO ME AS YOU WRITE MORE THAN 1 VERB SIMULTANEOUSLY , WERE AND INCREASED,,,,===> MY ALTERNATIVE only community schools increased dramatically

... schools and specialist schools are decreased EMPHASIZE THE INCREASE WITH ADVERB SUCH AS SIGNIFICANTLY AND SO ON . HOWEVER, Both of them fell from 12 percent ...
At the same time, voluntary-controlled decreased dramatically ...
... schools always increaseD dramatically from 12 percent ...

important note
ensure you write at least 150 words
ATTEMPT TO UTILIZE COMPARISON
VARY YOUR LEXICAL RESOURCE,
E.G : INSTEAD OF WRITING INCREASE FOR MANY TIMES, MUCH BETTER IF YOU TRY TO LOOK FOR OTHER WORDS SUCH AS ESCALATE, INCLINE, RISE AND SO ON

VARY YOUR SENTENCE BY USING CLAUSE
VARY YOUR TENSES USE SUCH AS PAST AND PERFECT AND PAY ATTENTION ON THE USAGE OF TENSES

andika_soppeng   
Sep 29, 2016
Writing Feedback / TED summary Task Every Kids Need Champion [6]

She is come from educator families(THIS SENTENCE IS PRETTY CONFUSING TO ME SINCE YOU PUT 2 VERBS SIMULTANEOUSLY,IS AND COME .) She is comeS from educator(...) parents are teacherS. She HAS taught since FOR 4 decades ago . (SINCE IS USED TO MARK PERFECT TENSE) So

,

(put comma here) she can look at educationAL reformATIONS from other views.Some of those changes have been good (avoid high frequency vocabularies) but some of themRedundancy have been bad( high frequency vocabulary) .

She regrets why people HAVE never discussED about the value... ( NEVER IS USED FOR PERFECT AND FUTURE )
She got essential point from his mother experiences( THIS SENTENCE IS PRETTY CONFUSNG TO ME AND YOU NEED TO BE CONSISTENT AS YOU USE SHE AND HIS .

... away and

,

(PUT COMMA HERE)so many her mother studentsa vast number of students' mother came ...
... of relationships that could HAVE never lost.

note:

avoid using high frequency vocabularies
pay attention to subject verb agreement
attempt to utilize complex sentence
e.g: although SV, SV or SV although SV
enhance your lexical resource

andika_soppeng   
Sep 29, 2016
Writing Feedback / The Number of Computer Science Students from Native and International Student at a UK University [4]

hi

sari Trisna

I have read you writing task 1 and I discover some of matters which you need develop.....

The bar graph shows the number of both sexiest Computer Science students from ...much better if you Make it to be one paragraph
It was noticeable thatIN ANY CASE ,the number of (...) the highest compare than TO international student both of female and male during A 3-YEAR PERIODyears .

By 2012, the number of students HAD increase INCREASE to around 40 OF TOTAL STUDENTS.
... students who came from British HAD rose RISEN from around 30 to 45 since until BY 2012.

Between 2010 and 2012,WHILE the number of (...) rose from 20 to around ROUGHLY 40 . During the same period , the females also ascended from 15 to 20 IN THE SAME PERIOD. INTERESTINGLY, The most of Computer Science ...

NOTE:

I SUPPOSE THAT YOUR WRITING IS LISTING
TRY TO COMPARE A SIGNIFICANT POINT FROM THE PRESENTED PICTURE..
VARY YOUR SENTENCE, BY USING MULTIFARIOUS CLAUSE

andika_soppeng   
Sep 29, 2016
Writing Feedback / Summary article: Two Rafflesia flowers bloom in Bengkulu [3]

Hi Mate ,,,

Indonesia IS A COUNTRY WHICH IS popular with a lot of BREATHTAKING sites that shows the good scenery of nature. . And also THIS IS REDUNDANCY,,, CHOOSE ONE OF THEM ( ALSO OR AND) famous with FOR a wide variety of ...

One of the type flora ORIGINALLY from Indonesia PARTICULARLY IN BENGKULU. THIS IS often called Arnoldii ...
HOWEVER, THIS FLOWER IS BECOMING MORE AND MORE ENDANGERED

to as the biggest flora in the world and the nearly extinct, namely Arnoldii Rafflesia . This flower has grown in two places, namely in Bengkulu and in Sumatra.

THESE DAYS, Many people FOR THOSE who wanted to see live ORIGINAL HABITAT OF SUCH FLOWER, the largest flower (...) almost extinct , the public could witness this rare event and THEY can come VISIT to Taba Penanjung Forest in ...

AS THIS FLOWER BECOME ENDANGER, THIS Rafflesia Arnoldi Flower has attracted much attention of ...
Based on Gerhana.co. GERHANA SITE, "People have come to visit

,

NOT NECESSARY TO PUT COMMA HERE although it is not a holiday.

VITAL NOTE:

PAY ATTENTION ON :
1. SUBJECT VERB AGREEMENT
2.THE PRECISE PLACE OF PUNCTUATION
3 GRAMMATICAL ACCURACY
S+V ALTOUGH S + V OR ALTHOUGH S V, S V
4 LEXICAL RESOURCE
THE MOST APPROPRIATE VOCABULARY FOR LANDSCAPE ARE BREATHTAKING, STUNNING, MARVELOUS, PICTURESQUE AND SO ON
5. ATTEMPT TO WRITE WELL-ORGANIZE PARAGRAPH
andika_soppeng   
Sep 29, 2016
Undergraduate / I have been learning Physics in advanced level which galvanizes me to find more books myself [2]

Hi mate,,,
I have read your writing. however, there are several matter that you need to pay attention,,,

... and well-qualified teachers. IN MY PRIOR COLLAGE,We are encouraged to learn autonomously ...

[s]Since I am has been chosen for the Physics ..,

YOU WRITE WRONG GRAMMATICAL ACCURACY,,,
ENSURE YOU WRITE SUBJECT VERB AGREEMENT PROPERLY

MY ALTERNATIVE...

SINCE I HAD CHOSEN AS A MEMBER OF PHYSICS TEAM IN MY SCHOOL FOR TWO YEARS...

THIS SENTENCE IS PRETTY CONFUSING...

Since I am has been chosen for the Physics Team of the school for two years, I have been learning Physics in advanced level which galvanizes me to find more books myself, and read them whenever I can.

NOTE:

PAY ATTENTION ON

SUBJECT VERB AGREEMENT
MAKE A WELL-ORGANIZE SENTENCE WHICH CAN BE UNDERSTANDABLE FOR READERS

andika_soppeng   
Sep 28, 2016
Writing Feedback / Summary Article : Biggest radio telescope on Earth ready to receive alien signals [3]

Hi

andika 08

your paragraph is pretty confusing,,,

The largest radio telescope in the world [...] are signals sent by a mobile phone and Wi-Fi.

this is my alternative sentence to ameliorate your sentece

The largest radio telescope in the world located in China precisely in the remote mountainous areas of Guizhou Province in Southwest China. this telescope is situated in this area because can help to protect peoples from interference of radio waves, which are signals sent by a mobile phone and Wi-Fi. It looks like Five-hundred-metre Aperture Spherical Telescope that start to observe on outer space.

I do not understand this sentence

The telescope, named for the size of this tool is about 200 meters wider than the rival, the Arecibo Observatory in Puerto Rico, built in the early 1960.

CONFUSING,,,( said Michael Nolan at University of Arizona in Tucson)

ALTERNATIVE

by virtue of/ACCORDING TO/ AS PER Michael Nolan, a staff at University of Arizona in Tucson,

I do appreciate your effort in using complex sentence. however, you need to create understandable sentence for readers

note
ensure you use appropriate subject verb agreement

andika_soppeng   
Sep 28, 2016
Writing Feedback / The more we talk to others, the more links gets stronger - 7 Ways to Make Conversation With Anyone [5]

hi

DIOBA

I AM GLAD TO READ YOUR WRITING,THERE ARE SEVERAL MATTER WHICH YOU NEED TO PAY ATTENTION, HOWEVER.

Conversations are links. Every time (PRESENT TENSE) we talked TALK with TO someone we never ...
... the more links WE GET gets stronger . In every conversation construct CONSTRUCTS new links.
... this process are TO establish a connection, TO process IN learnING something new, TO GIVE gives a whole new perspective ...
The major question is how to make START a conversation with TO anyone. Malavika Varadan, a radio presenter, SAID she has a conversation (...) that she HAD never seen every morning. She suggests some advice ADVICES about how to make conversation with TO anyone.THE First, word flood gates, it is means THAT said first word ...

THE Second, she suggestS skip the small talk. IT means THAT leaving the chit chat ...
THE Third, find something that us WE and other personS might have in common.

NOTE:
PAY ATTENTION ON

COLLOCATION
SUBJECT VERB AGREEMENT
TENSES
ATTEMPT TO USE LOW FREQUENCY VOCABULARIES

KEEP WRITING MATE

andika_soppeng   
Sep 28, 2016
Writing Feedback / Scientist found that BRCA 1 and 2 are powerful cancer genes markers [3]

Hi

Sari Trisna

your writing is very interesting to read, there are some of errors which you need to pay more attention, however.

Scientist found that BRCA???EXPLAIN THIS WORDS 1 and 2 are powerful cancer ...
If those genes ARE mutated, It could increase...
Both of them had a AN irritate IRRITATED treatment even though ...
Of course, it was he THE worst choice OPTION. Because of BECAUSE it came from genes ...
... the writer's family tree to an online BRCA???EXPLAIN THIS WORDS risk-assesstment ASSESSMENT tool. The results RESULT showed that she had a small risk to BE affected by breast cancer ...

NOTE:

PAY MORE ATTENTION

1. SPELLING
2. SUBJECT VERB AGREEMENT
THE DIFFERENT BETWEEN BECAUSE AND BECAUSE OF
==> WHILE BECAUSE OF SHOULD BE FOLLOWED BY NOUN, BECAUSE HAVE TO BE FOLLOWED BY S + V

ATTEMPT TO USE ANOTHER PATTERN,
NOT ONLY S + V ALTHOUGH/WHILE S + V, BUT ALSO ALTHOUGH/WHILE S + V, S + V

YOUR WRITE VERY WELL,
KEEP TRYING

andika_soppeng   
Sep 28, 2016
Writing Feedback / A small country with big ideas - Costarica [6]

hi

Alamsyah Ismail

you write very well. However, there are several significant points which you should pay more attention.

Costarica Costa Rica is one OF developing country Countries ( not only Costa Rica is developing countries, but many other countries also)which located at right ...

It THIS country have nearly five million people INHABITANT. Actually , (PUT COMMA HERE) they THIS COUNTRY had fossil fuel, but this resource IS not generated for their electrity ELECTRYCITY because it focusly to FOCUSES ON supply their electricity ...

So , (PUT COMMA HERE) thattheir IT can power their cars...
... in 2022, this country are already tryingWILL ATTEMPT TO GENERATE electric buses and cars ...
On the other hand, surprisingly , (PUT COMMA HERE) this country had ...
There are 3 reasons why Costarica Costa Rica make MAKES and choose CHOOSES this plan, but the major ...

[quote ]note :[/quote]
Pay attention on
Punctuation
subject verb agreement
spelling
collocation
lexical resource


keep trying
andika_soppeng   
Aug 18, 2016
Writing Feedback / The Proportion of Population Aged 65 and over in the United Kingdom - IELTS Task 1 [3]

Hi.

dinafayna04

you wrote writing task 1 IELTS properly, however,I have some advice to enhance you score...
here we are:

the percentage in Wales is going to the top in 2035, and Northern Ireland still the lowest.

the percentage of elderly people in Wales is projected to reach the top at over 25 percent in 2035 while the lowest is predicted and remained the lowest level is Northern Ireland (around 23%)

Totally, in the United Kingdom, the number of population over than 65 ...

in average, the proportion of people over 65 years old in UK increased dramatically in the course of a 3 decade (15 % to 35 %)
andika_soppeng   
Apr 7, 2016
Writing Feedback / While the benefits of media presence in a society is clearly, the failures also exist in technology [4]

The modern era emerge the sophisticated technology .

that sentence is hard to understand for reader

The wrong information widspread in a few website in which the people ...

unclear explanation,,, it needs more explanation why media provides wrong information

widspread : widespread
Again, : in addition

the majority of your sentence have nothing verb ...
before you write an essay make sure you read and understand grammar book particularly in the usage of verb

andika_soppeng   
Apr 7, 2016
Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 2: The advantages and disadvantages of such flights and the taxed more in the flights [3]

While, the type of transportation airplane more faster to arrive in another place so the rule can change ...

Change word "while" to be "Meanwhile"
it is much better if you put Meanwhile in the beginning of sentence

more faster,,
there is no more faster in English ...
you my use

fast,for positive, faster for comparative and fastest for superlative

so the rule can change to enhance the tax

that confusing sentence

the another situation that the facilities not enough good for customer and contrast if the tax expensive

there is not verb in this sentence... make sure you put Verb each sentence ,, since this play pivotal role for sentence
andika_soppeng   
Apr 7, 2016
Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 2: Living alone is an essential issue recently [4]

For instance, a recent survey in Cambridge University has revealed that ...

if you wrote Scientific research , no need to put for instance. these words are better to be used for experience

first of all, it triggers bad impression from the citizens, such as gossiping

such as is used if more than one
for example : there are many goods that bring , such as camera, laptop .

They think that marriage will become an unwanted burden, for example

it is better if you write like this
it creates a tendency of people to think that marriage will be unwanted burden, for instance
andika_soppeng   
Apr 7, 2016
Writing Feedback / The advancement of technology is used to check others activities in this globalized era [5]

Several bad things have been canceled as police or law-agency use cutting edge technologies on their job

this sentence is confusing...
People who commit crime : offenders/criminals or many others

you write repetitive words
cutting-edge
you change it to another word : highly-invented technology

this development are is very useful