Unanswered [17] | Urgent [0]
  

Posts by Llamapoop123
Joined: Aug 6, 2009		 Last Post: Nov 13, 2013
Threads: 7
Posts: 442  

From: United States of America

Displayed posts: 449 / page 3 of 12
sort: Latest first   Oldest first  | 
Llamapoop123   
Sep 20, 2009
Undergraduate / "Bump in the road" - unexpected, tragic [14]

His death has made me realize that I can never take anyone I love for granted.

^Expand on this. Otherwise your essay has no purpose.
Llamapoop123   
Sep 20, 2009
Undergraduate / My SCARS and my MISTAKES; Common App [34]

my concept of life begs to differ the conventional idea that mistakes should be forgotten.

^Since when was forgetting mistakes conventional?

You get hurt and then you heal and then you get hurt in new ways. Your essay doesn't show that you're a good candidate at all. Most people learn from mistakes conciously or unconciously. All of your mistakes are physical ones...what do you expect the college to think? Oh this candidate is less likely to die on campus cause she's had all this experience carved on her skin...

I do not see the connection between learning from your physical faults and your other faults. How would the scars on your body teach you anything other than to not climb the next fence or to not anger your neighbor's dog?
Llamapoop123   
Sep 19, 2009
Essays / Philisophical Essay Topic? Would it be appropriate? [8]

A friend asked me if it is appropriate for a college essay to discuss philisophical ideas in depth. I don't really know what kind of concepts he wants to choose but he thinks that this type of essay would be reasonable for a university like Chicago. I'm afraid that this essay would be too impersonal but on the other hand, it would portray him as a deep thinker. I thought that there would also be risks involved if admissions did not like his particular brand of thought. I can't really understand some of the complex stuff that he conjures up but I think that Chicago admissions would understand. What do you guys think?

Edit: I know that I'm being quite broad but I don't have much more info on what he wants to write. I'm asking this question also because I may write something along these lines.
Llamapoop123   
Sep 18, 2009
Undergraduate / UT Austin undergraduate transfer essay. Issue of importance: Safe Passing Bill [10]

^Also "he" is not the car but the human being inside of the car. Well...drivers are supposed to yield to pedestrians regardless. It was mostly, if not all, his fault. This is your chance to express your fear at the time and maybe dramatize a tiny bit since this event serves as the fuel for the rest of your essay.
Llamapoop123   
Sep 18, 2009
Undergraduate / "to make it worth wild" - University of Central Florida Essay [8]

Painfully unspecific. You really need more examples and less meaningless statements.

Family is what shapes us, influences, and makes us who we are.

Poor introduction also.
You can do better. You need to include the key factors that every admission essay must have.
Llamapoop123   
Sep 18, 2009
Book Reports / "catcher in the rye" - thesis statement [6]

I guess that means that the thesis statement fulfills the requirement of being "debatable"!

^Well yes haha...if the author can argue his point then it's all cool :]
Llamapoop123   
Sep 17, 2009
Writing Feedback / "Get an A, but no brain" - Cheating and plagiarism [12]

such a great contributor... u helped me -.-

... no, not really

^I would completely rewrite your essay. Your underdeveloped points are also very cliche. You need better arguments in order to make this a 4 page essay.
Llamapoop123   
Sep 17, 2009
Book Reports / "catcher in the rye" - thesis statement [6]

'phonies'

'if you want to know the truth'

In catcher in the rye, Salinger uses the repetition of particular words and phrases to further express the confusion and frustration of Holden Caulfield.

Holden doesn't call people phonies out of frustration...
Llamapoop123   
Sep 17, 2009
Writing Feedback / 'advantages outweigh annoyance' - people have a close friendship with their pets [5]

For what purpose are you writing this essay?

^Say what? Bosses? Animals have bosses? You mean that you believe that having pets in the household has advantages.

First of all, having pets such as dogs, cats are very good for children..

^Pretty weak point since pets take up a fair amount of time to take care of anyway. Are you saying that dogs are not good for children? "their parents have more time for doing homework." Parents don't have homework...unless they are in college. Pets can teach children? Really?

In the 21st century, people always try to do more work in less time; consequently, they don't have enough time for meeting friends.

^This is something that is unique to the 21st century huh?

Although, sometimes they can make us annoyed, I believe that advantages outweigh annoyance.

^No...don't use this as a conclusion.
Llamapoop123   
Sep 16, 2009
Student Talk / Challenges for Chinese to Study English [20]

I think the biggest gap is that the way we think. Western people have their own philosophy so do the Chinese and these two philosophies are highly different. We can handle the vocabulary by memorizing it but it's difficult for us to comprehend native speakers' logic.

^Now I'm interested. What, in your opinion, is the biggest difference in our philosophies?
Llamapoop123   
Sep 16, 2009
Undergraduate / Most significant challange - Short essay, 200-250 words [7]

Also, selling yourself as a person who only does well in academics but is lousy in sports suggests you are a one dimensional nerd. As Universities are trying to become increasingly diverse, a one dimensional nerd is not impressive.

^Well the point of his essay is to make himself seem more 2D...yet it does not do the job very well.
Llamapoop123   
Sep 16, 2009
Undergraduate / About dancing - 150 word essay on extra curriculars [5]

help me, is that right wrong? good bad? not the right stuff

^Your responce will suffice for this question. It answers the question. I don't think that the common app expects something fabulous.
Llamapoop123   
Sep 16, 2009
Undergraduate / UCF ENTRANCE (family history, culture, enviornment) [5]

Had I grown up in my native land of Colombia I would have never gotten the chance to be my own person and decide my own future. Ever since I got off the plane my parents told me that if I ever wanted to do what I wanted and have a good future,this was the place to do it.

^Colombia forces you to submit to the will of others?

Most of your essay is just so plain and really really unspecific. The reader really does not get to know who you are after reading this essay.
Llamapoop123   
Sep 15, 2009
Essays / Essay on the poetic features in "Selling Out" by Major Jackson [5]

^Haha no she's just like "Tom. we're going to do an in class essay on this poem that no one knows...be prepared."

you should write essay for correction

^That's not the point...

You may want to include a summary in your introductory passages, but I wouldn't lead with that. How long is this essay to be?

^It's gonna be a standard 5 paragraph.

It's ok, I have a decent idea of what's going on in the film and a couple metaphors to work with. Hopefully I'll do well :P

Thanks everyone.
Llamapoop123   
Sep 14, 2009
Essays / Essay on the poetic features in "Selling Out" by Major Jackson [5]

I've got to write an essay that identifies and analyzes the way in which the poetic features in "Selling Out" by Major Jackson contribute to the poem's meaning or message.

Should I include a short summary of it in the intro or just dive into the rhetoric? Would the thesis just be "This this and that contribute the the poem's meaning and message" roughly?

I'm thinking the standard...example, analysis, example, analysis body paragraphs.

What do you guys think?
Llamapoop123   
Sep 14, 2009
Undergraduate / 'Some may call it a passion' - FSU essay vires [7]

Why is your essay so short? How long did you spend on this?
It doesn't go in depth at all.

However, not playing during practices and games was not an option.

^So it wasn't really your choice to persevere...Where is this strength you speak of?
Llamapoop123   
Sep 14, 2009
Undergraduate / An 18-month Vacation-an FSU essay [5]

If by "officer" you mean creator then no I am not. "Contributor" just means that I make a habit of reviewing essays.
Llamapoop123   
Sep 14, 2009
Undergraduate / 'She did not stop me then' / 'Harry Potter' - Uchicago extended essays [6]

I guess it because from the first line, readers know that you are going to discuss how you have outgrown Harry Potter.

^I don't believe that Harry Potter can be outgrown.

What is even more disturbing about your first essay is that it happened when you were in second grade. This means that you have had around nine years of practice in the art of hiding your misdeeds.
Llamapoop123   
Sep 14, 2009
Undergraduate / "Being a Beijing Yatou..." [university of michigan (diversity)] [5]

I have been traveled with my parents to more than six provinces in China and over 10 countries around the world.

^I've traveled with my parents... Did you travel to quench your desire for traveling or was it more of a mandatory thing?

Being in a new environment lets me think about new information subconsciously.

Llamapoop123   
Sep 14, 2009
Undergraduate / 'Salvadoran culture and multiculture' - UNIVERSITY OF MICHIGAN---diversity [4]

While doing a summer reading assignment for my English class I stumbled upon the book "A Thousand Splendid Suns" written by Khalid Hosseini.

^I would think that you were either assigned the book or that you chose to read the book for your assignment. I don't think that you actually "stumbled upon" this book while doing a summer reading assignment.

It tells the story of two Afghanistan women who deal with the struggles of everyday life.

^Two women from Afghanistan.

My father and mother both instilled in me a sense of pride for who I am. I believe that because I am multiracial and have experienced firsthand my father's Salvadoran culture I can bring cultural understanding and diversity to the University of Michigan.

^This sounds pretty lame. You are not really bringing cultural understanding to Michigan because your multicultural. The prompt asks for how your experiences and achievements will diversify Michigan.

By reading this I now have a greater understanding of diverse cultures and a better appreciation for my own unique, multicultural background.

^Better appreciation? How?

I think that you will need a much better essay for the University of Michigan. I also do not think that your topic meets the prompt because the prompt asks for an experience and not a work of literature. Your analysis of the book is also very shallow and generic.
Llamapoop123   
Sep 13, 2009
Undergraduate / An 18-month Vacation-an FSU essay [5]

^Wow! Very engaging experience! Too bad that the rest of the essay is fairly mediocre. It is so generic and I feel like you have experienced things that are far more trying than what you have on here.
Llamapoop123   
Sep 13, 2009
Undergraduate / Intro to CommonApp Essay "Evaluate a significant experience & its impact on you" [11]

Like Simone said, this intro is too melodramatic. I personally would not spend to much time on the introduction at all. I would ask Simone this question because I think that each introduction is unique to the author. I can't really imagine what a good intro might be if I do not know the content of the rest of your essay.
Llamapoop123   
Sep 13, 2009
Undergraduate / Common App Essay for Cornell about Myself? [14]

We can't go back in time ... fun and be successful.

^This whole part of your essay is vague and poorly written. I suggest you start over, especially since you are applying to a school like Cornell.

but I'm going to finish this one first.

^I suggest that you come up with a completely new topic and rewrite this whole thing. Don't try to save this essay.

I don't think there is any prompt for the common application right? From what I heard it's just write about yourself.

^You wrote an esssay without looking at the prompt? There are multiple prompts for the common app. There is also a short response question.
Llamapoop123   
Sep 13, 2009
Student Talk / Exam passing tips - its my final year [71]

I find that it becomes extremely boring to study by yourself. Boredom really messes with your ability to remember important concepts. Study with another person! He/She may raise important questions that you did not even think about. You will be able to understand the material better by teaching each other what the both of you already know.
Llamapoop123   
Sep 13, 2009
Undergraduate / Common App - 'She taught me how to skate' - An influential person [11]

Liebe, although Jiaxing does show weak grammar all over the essay, we're supposed to criticize the essay, not the writer.. You don't have to "t7a6mah" or else maybe he/she wouldn't keep trying.. I'm not saying that you should be nice either, but objective..

^He is criticizing the writer's writing capability, which is essentially the same thing as criticizing the essay. It would just be nicer to say that poor grammer suggests that the essay is weak but you say that Liebe shouldn't necessarily be nice either.

Edit: I'll admit that the Simon Cowell routine isn't the best thing though. So I guess I'm arguing against your point rather than arguing in favor of Liebe's comment.
Llamapoop123   
Sep 13, 2009
Undergraduate / Common App - 'She taught me how to skate' - An influential person [11]

After a couple of days, I was used to the sunny Oregon mornings, sunny, and because of these gentle breezes, a little bit chilly to a Chinese student who for the first time in life joined a summer camp to America.

^This sentence is confusing. American students wouldn't think that it was chilly?

America had been a dream for a little boy who could only imagine its vision according to the description given by the English teacher in class and I had expected the trip to be a wonderful and splendid journey.

^"Imagine its vision"? Um...that little boy was you right?

Having studied English for only 1 year,

^Spell out numbers.

To be loved and accepted seemed to me at the time something I could never, in all my life, achieve.

^It seemed to me that I would never be loved and accepted.

Then I realized that the sugar had fallen on the ground and was picked up again to mock me.

^You mean that you were eating a dirty piece of candy? Cuase right now it seems like the "sugar" dropped out of your mouth as you attempted to eat it.

At the time she came and made inquiries about what happened.

^You need to identify who "she" is in this new paragraph.
Llamapoop123   
Sep 12, 2009
Undergraduate / The one who can be depended on -UC Prompt 2 [4]

When I was a child, my family went on vacations to various places around the world. When I was six years old, my family went on a vacation to Hawaii for the summer.

We stayed at a hotel with a pool, in which we went swimming in.

^This sounds rather silly.

Though the experience is fitting, it happened when you were six. I guess it doesn't matter too much though.
Llamapoop123   
Sep 12, 2009
Undergraduate / COMMON APP ACTIVITIES ESSAY ANY HELP WOULD BE GREAT THANKS!! [14]

Is it because I do not live in a country in which the first language is necessarily English, and that I am from a country in which the first language is not English either, that I can not 'critique' your 'grammar and written expression'??
lol. You are an idiot.

^Truth.

and how can a non-native critique my grammar and written expression? liebe

^Errr...Perhaps you should revise your argument to target Liebe's suggestions rather than Liebe himself.

More reviews appreciated!!!

^Quite the lie.

Writing
Editing Help?
✖
Fill in one of the forms below to get professional help with your assignments:

Graduate Writing / Editing:
GraduateWriter form ◳

Best Essay Service:
CustomPapers form ◳

Excellence in Editing:
Rose Editing ◳

AI-Paper Rewriting:
Robot Rewrite ◳