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Posts by payal1982
Name: Payal
Joined: Jul 13, 2016
Last Post: Jan 23, 2017
Threads: 10
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payal1982   
Jan 23, 2017
Writing Feedback / Free education - reasoning and consequences of implementing the policy [4]

@holt.I guess there are 2 sides of a coin, in the essay I have to take one stance and justify it while mentioning, that providing free education is also required.

I believe GRE essays are rated on how you justify your claims. From your feedback it seems there is only one stance I could have taken that free education should be provided because tax payers would want that.

If I am not in agreement for free education why I should include this argument in my essay which will weaken my position.
payal1982   
Jan 23, 2017
Writing Feedback / Free education - reasoning and consequences of implementing the policy [4]

Governments should offer a free university education to any student who has been admitted to a university but who cannot afford the tuition.
Write a response in which you discuss your views on the policy and explain your reasoning for the position you take. In developing and supporting your position, you should consider the possible consequences of implementing the policy and explain how these consequences shape your position.


Universities for free? Only basic education.



Education is a very important parameter for the development of a country. A government has the responsibility towards the society to make education accessible to its citizens. Basic education should be freely available to the people to have a literate society. However, education cannot be imparted free of cost for all the university courses. The following reasons will provide further support to validate this argument.

First of all any specialized course require sufficient resources. These resources could be qualified academicians or equipments such as a well-set laboratory. Any university acquires these resources after paying a huge cost. If education is for free for all the students, resources might not be sufficient enough. For example, computers are required for understanding a particular subject such as information sciences. With free education available to all, a university might not have enough computers for everyone. It will put pressure on the facility or department and the learning experience will not be fulfilling for everyone. Second, there will be a large number of dropouts, as the education system will be taken for granted. There will be less competitive environment and students will not be motivated to perform better. Performance can only be improved if a student is working on to earn returns for the investment made. This investment could be the tuition fee for which a loan has been taken. To repay it back a student will work harder and will be motivated enough. Finally, some universities are considered better when it comes to the quality of education they provide. Most of the students would like to be a part of those universities if free education is provided. This will definitely compromise the quality of teaching, as large groups will be present for each class.

Nonetheless, some basic education has to be imparted for free to students who cannot afford it. There should be scholarships and fee waiver for students who do exceptionally well in high school. Such incentives will help push students to pursue advanced studies. Secondly, free education to the minorities such as disabled and women can help in the holistic development of a nation. Most of the universities have a quota for minorities. The reason for such is to promote such sections of society. Free education will definitely provide skilled people for all the industries. It will eventually result in growth of people both financially and in terms of talent. Good students will get better opportunities and will not be marginalized owing to the fact that they cannot afford high tuition fees.

In conclusion, education is of utmost importance and it is one of the factors, which makes a nation developed. Basic education has to be imparted for free. Providing scholarships and fee waiver will help in enrolment of students from marginalized sections. However providing education for free may not be feasible as the resources come at a cost and will not be sufficient for a large number of students. Along with it the quality of teaching will be compromised and dropouts may be high, as education system will be taken for granted
payal1982   
Jan 23, 2017
Undergraduate / 'the biggest leap of my life' - Fashion Institute of Technology / Fashion Business Management essay [4]

Here is my feedback:

Bright lights, (...) the things that light a fire in me. creates a spark

you can strengthen this part by providing what exactly you worked on in some of the projects "I believe I am a good fit for FIT because of my upbeat, dedicated attitude for what I want to do with my future. Ever since freshman year I have taken initiative by leading things like Fashion Club, French Club and even running my social media accounts posting all about new trends, shows, and the business world of style."

I believe you can cut down a little on first three paragraphs and look for all the courses and how it can enrich your knowledge. How it is relatable to your long term goal. For example a course in computer simulation can help you arrive at many possible combinations and through simulation you can experience a wide range etc etc.

Hope this helps!
payal1982   
Jan 18, 2017
Writing Feedback / GRE Argument task for a hobby shop at Grilldon [3]

"Our team has completed its research on suitable building sites for a new HobCo hobby Shop in the city of Grilldon. We discovered that there are currently no hobby shops in southeastern Grilldon. When our researchers conducted a poll of area residents, 88 percent of those who responded indicated that they would welcome the opening of a hobby shop in southeastern Grilldon. Grilldon is in a region of the nation in which the hobby business has increased by 300 percent during the past decade. In addition, Grilldon has a very large population of retirees, a demographic with ample time to devote to hobbies. We therefore recommend that you choose southeastern Grilldon as the site for your next HobCo Hobby Shop. We predict that a shop in this area will draw a steady stream of enthusiastic new HobCo customers."

Write a response in which you discuss what questions would need to be answered in order to decide whether the recommendation is likely to have the predicted result. Be sure to explain how the answers to these questions would help to evaluate the recommendation.

My Answer:

suggestions for the city of Grilldon



The author predicts that Grilldon should be the site of Hobco hobby shop. To support this argument various reasons have been cited. However, these reasons are based on certain assumptions and thus do not provide any concrete evidence to support author's argument.

First, a poll result is indicated according to which 88 percent of those who responded were in favor of hobby shop in Grilldon. There is no data regarding what was the sample size of poll. It is quite possible that the sample may not be representative for entire city of grilldon. Also, there is no mention about the profile of the residents. The results could have been biased if there are more number of people from a specific income group. Had there been any information regarding how the sample was collected, it could have justified the author's claim.

Second, the author states that the Grilldon is in a region of the nation where the hobby business has increased during the past decade. This claim is not logical and conclusive as previously it was mentioned that there is no hobby shop in Grilldon as of now. If the region is growing in hobby business since last 10 years, why there is not a single hobby shop still in Grilldon. How can one presume that other regions are same as Grilldon?. Every region in a nation has different customer profile and varied interests. Assuming Grilldon to grow at the same rate as other regions is not valid and weakens the argument. If the author had mentioned a comparative study of different regions citing similarities with Grilldon, it would have strengthened the above argument.

Third, the author assumes that Grilldon has a very large population of retirees and people will have ample time for hobbies. It is not necessary if someone has time he or she will spend it on hobbies. Some people would like to travel or spend time with their families. There might be some who would spend their time relaxing. The author's assumption without any other relevant information does not provide any evidence to support it.

In conclusion, the above assumptions do not provide enough information to validate the claim that Grilldon should be the site of Hobco Hobby shop.
payal1982   
Jan 18, 2017
Scholarship / Intended Plan of study and the kind of job you plan to seek after return [3]

@knockout Here is my feedback:

I guess you have given too much emphasis on introduction. You can start with a short intoduction citing the conditions in XYZ. In the other paragraphs you can substantiate what job will you seek. You can use relevant pieces of information which you have mentioned in the beginning.

Your inended plan of study should come first and how you will use it to seek a job is the main idea. you have mentioned too little about it and that too in the end. To me this answer lacks coherence.

Hope this helps!
payal1982   
Jan 16, 2017
Writing Feedback / Corporation has a responsibility towards society and environment apart from maximizing profits. [2]

Some people believe that corporations have a responsibility to promote the well-being of the societies and environments in which they operate. Others believe that the only responsibility of corporations, provided they operate within the law, is to make as much money as possible

any benefits to a society from corporations?



Money is the primary goal of a corporation. Corporations contribute to society economically. However, in the changing times corporation has a responsibility towards society and environment apart from maximizing profits.

Activities of a corporation have a direct impact on its stakeholders. Stakeholders include investors, employees, partners, government, community and environment. A corporation has a dual responsibility, to make profits and contribute to the development of society as a whole. Many corporations and manufacturing plants use hazardous chemicals for their processes. These toxic chemicals if not disposed properly contaminate both air and water. Water in streams gets contaminated due to run off. Polluted water can affect the local flora and fauna in addition to the dangers posed to the aquatic species. The chemicals like lithium and sulfur are known to inhibit the reproduction in some species thus making them endangered. The harmful gases which are generally the by -product of several chemical processes pollute the air. Use of Chlorofluorocarbons by corporations has lead to ozone hole and global warming. It has increased the risk of skin cancer and other respiratory diseases.

Corporations have a responsibility towards the society and environment. The regulation and safety procedures have to be followed rigorously by them to reduce the harmful effects. This can be reiterated by examples such as gas spill in gulf by BP. It not only added costs to the corporation to cleanse and pay in fines but also affected the market shares. Similarly, plastics are often used for packaging by corporations are non-biodegradable and can be a threat to the environment. Minimizing the usage of such materials and promoting eco friendly materials will help a corporation in the long run. Compliance with the laws will provide an opportunity for the corporation in the long term by providing them tax breaks.

Another reason corporations can be beneficial to the society is by creating better working conditions for the employees and support for a cause. By this means, the corporation can earn a good reputation, thus increasing the educated workforce and consumer base. Better health plans and policies will help build a motivated work force, which will increase the profits. Being a proponent for a cause or charity will help increase the customer base and loyalty of customers towards a corporation.
payal1982   
Jan 16, 2017
Writing Feedback / Response to an article on why liberal arts are important [3]

Please find my feedback:

Different people pick different majors for different reasons, but within all those majors there hides a rarely spoken of hierarchy of acceptability . The use of word different makes this sentence looks redundant. Instead you can write people have varied reasons to opt for different majors

As someone who is currently majoring in mechanical engineering, I am near the top of this pyramid-shaped hierarchy.. this pyramid?? is not clear. you have to explain that some majors are most opted for and some are least opted.

There is a dire need for politicians who better understand the science ...
I don't find a connect in the previous paragraphs and this one. It seems digressing. May be you can define the liberal arts and then focus on some of the points to make it look mre coherent

Hope this helps!

Payal
payal1982   
Aug 11, 2016
Writing Feedback / Drawings that show the beauty and fragility of earth [2]

Here is my feedback:

As she got many experience, she can illustrate that situation by a unique way to convey the people, using art painting.Through her varied experience, she was able to illustrate. .... If you are using many experience has to be in plural.She havehas ]...has comes with single person, if the sentence starts with they, then have was appropirate ...started her work travel to Arctic, greenland and many place to capture the unfolding story of polar melt.

Her drawing was has explained moments of transition...
Her mission is making to make the viewers (...), make them to be inspired (...) by a message from the these paintings

She has an had the ability to did do this.....
While she is was drawing it,

Hope it helps!
Practice makes you perfect!
payal1982   
Jul 28, 2016
Writing Feedback / In my opinion, managing and maintaining interpersonal relations is the most important skill nowadays [2]

What is a very important skill a person should learn in order to be successful in the world today? Choose one skill and use specific reasons and examples to support your choice.

Success is defined differently by different people. To some, success means earning huge amounts of money while others define it as being famous.In my opinion, managing and maintaining interpersonal relations is the most important skill to be successful in the world today. The fact that everything is interconnected and success is dependent on other people in terms of motivation and knowledge supports my opinion which I will explain further in the essay.

First, everything is interconnected and there is a need to be dependent on others. To achieve any goal help from different people is required throughout. The external influences have a lot to contribute even if one has perseverance and determination. For example, Steve jobs had been a successful business leader and had been renowned for his vision which revolutionized the computer industry. However, there were many others who had been a part of his journey which led him to the pinnacle of success. Whether they were engineers, dealers, marketers or friends and family, all of them supported him and shared his enthusiasm to change the tech industry. It clearly shows the interdependency on others to fulfill the desired goals. Managing and maintaining relations at personal as well as professional level not only lead one forward in the direction of their ambitions but is also a fulfilling experience. The encouragement from others along the way sparks motivation and makes one believe in thyself.

Second, learning from others adds a new perspective to one's thought process. Every successful person owe their success to mentors who provoked their thought process and helped expanding their horizons. There can be alternative solutions to a problem which is difficult to comprehend by an individual alone. Being well connected to others enriches knowledge. Learning from the mistakes of others is an added advantage. A strong relationship with different people can help one get an honest feedback for a situation or challenge. Hence learning from their experiences one can make a move accordingly. For example, Linkedin is a popular professional network wherein one can connect to business professionals and seek out help and guidance by participating in several chat groups or contacting them on individual level.

In conclusion, managing and maintaing relationships is necessary to be successful today. Help or guidance from others and learning from their mistakes enhances knowledge. It can help avoiding decisions which may not be fruitful in the long run. Success is attributed to many people in the process. External influences play a major role in attaining success.
payal1982   
Jul 28, 2016
Writing Feedback / An essay about how to write a good paragraph [3]

Here is my feedback:

In order to overcome the hardship of writing, in my opinion, it is really important to know ...----> this sentence is too complex, you can break it down to short sentences for better understanding....In my opinion, it is really important to know how to write a good paragraph first, because an essay is a collection of paragraphs. This technique will help in writing

Similarly this sentence is long and complex too...For example, in the sentence "Internet gives valuable education opportunities to kids in poor countries", the main subject is Internet, but Internet is huge topic which can range from history of Internet to threats to individual privacy, so the writer only choose a specific area of the topic for his writing which is education for kids in poor countries.

Moreover, a good topic sentence should be specific, but not too specific because there is no more to write about if the topic sentence is too specific----> the word is repeating a number of times here

Hope this helps!

Practice makes you perfect!
payal1982   
Jul 28, 2016
Writing Feedback / Test 1 TOEFL promotions: based on seniority or on performance? [4]

Here is my feedback:

Use comma instead of semicolon for example in the first paragraph: In an enterprise everybody has the desire of a promotion; it is every employee's dream. Therefore, most organizations have to choose on what base ----> on what basis a promotion should be awarded. I guess if you support one opinion state that first and then explain the benefits in contrast with other option.

Furthermore, the company will generate wit this boost better products and better services, which ...

In the end, it is better (...) than to have many faithful employees that lack o ----> those who are not motivated enough to improve themselves. Finally, in the industrial world the one with the best working force and the best products is the onehat wins the battle. -----> use the one is used twice in the sentence

Hope this is helpful!
Practice makes you perfect!
payal1982   
Jul 22, 2016
Writing Feedback / It is sometimes said that borrowing money from a friend can harm the friendship. Do you agree? [3]

It is sometimes said that borrowing money from a friend can harm or damage the friendship. Do you agree? Why or why not? Use reasons and specific examples to explain your answer.

Borrowing money from a friend is a risky proposition. The relationship can be at stake in case money is not paid back. However, unforeseen circumstances can make one borrow money from a friend. Many people believe that borrowing money from a friend can damage the friendship. I do not agree with this statement for the following reasons which I will explore further in the essay.

First, the repayment period is flexible when money is taken from a friend. With money borrowed from a bank or a money lender, a definite time period is set for the repayment. The legal and contractual agreements state the consequences, in case these requirements are not met. Money borrowed from a friend does not come with a legal requirement for the timely payment. Most of the time it is the mutual trust which makes a party lend money to the other. A friend generally go by the policy "Pay me back whenever you can". Thus, one can get ample time prior to repayment without any serious consequences.

Second, there are zero or lower interest rates with no security or collateral. Banks and private money lenders often ask for a collateral or security to lend money. With inflation on rise, interest rates are soaring which further adds to the debt. A friend can lend money with a zero or lower interest and without a collateral. It is quite relieving to pay back the principal amount with no interest and eases the pressure off when faced with an emergency. For example, to start a small business one may not have capital on hand. The stringent terms and conditions of a bank makes it almost impossible to get a loan early. In such cases, it is more convenient to seek out help from a friend. Also, there are no worries about property repossession which is a concern with bank loans.

In conclusion, borrowing money from a friend is a more convenient and flexible option one can have. With no interest payments and no pressure to pay back in a defined frame of time, it is quite a beneficial proposition. Though it can jeopardize a relationship in case the money is not paid back,on the positive side it may strengthen the bond of friendship during difficult times when a financial help is desired.
payal1982   
Jul 22, 2016
Writing Feedback / IELTS: WHETHER TRAVELLING AND WORKING ABROAD ARE THE ONLY REASONS TO LEARN A FOREIGN LANGUAGE OR NOT [2]

Hi, Here is my feedback:

Consequently, it significantly increases their chances of getting a well-paying----. well paid and highly-regarded job ...
Bearing ---. Bear in mind that in certain parts of the world ...

As much as I agree with the idea that proficiency in foreign languages brings financial satisfaction, I am also aware that ...----> I find this sentence quite complex, if you can break it, it will be better to understand.

Overall a well written essay.

Hope it helps!
Practice Makes you Perfect!
Thanks!
payal1982   
Jul 22, 2016
Writing Feedback / ielts- should we provide children in rural communities with more schools or computers [7]

Hi, Here is my feedback:

The young---->youths or children in remote areas are facing up to several difficulties in the persuit---> pursuit of knowledge. In my opinion, though each idea has its own benefits, the latter seems to be ---> have more potential and practicabe---> seems more practical

The second paragraph focuses on the advantages of teachers which is the first option. Since you have chosen to support computers over teachers, start your paragraph citing advantages of those first in contrast. Or do not explain the advantages of teachers overly which I see in this case.

Hope this helps!
Practice makes you perfect!
payal1982   
Jul 19, 2016
Writing Feedback / pursue a career, new experiences, knowledge; attending a college or university can fulfill all of it [4]

People attend college or university for many different reasons (for example, new experiences, career preparation, increased knowledge).Why do you think people attend college or university? Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer

Higher education is essential in many ways. Whether you want to pursue a career, gain new experiences or add knowledge, attending a college or university can fulfill all of these desires. Statistics indicate an increase in the number of students enrolling for degree courses in colleges in the last decade. In my opinion, people attend college or university for career preparation. I have few reasons to support my view which are discussed further.

First, there is a significant competition in professional world today. The hierarchies established in big corporates or organizations are based not only on work experience but also on the educational qualifications of an individual. Most of the jobs require bachelor's or a Master's degree for a particular job. Therefore, salary range may vary according to the degree one has. Students aspiring to reach management or executive level pursue advanced studies in management or other specialized courses. For example, there was a recent report published by Harvard University in reference to their two year MBA program. The profiles of prospective candidates were quite diverse and included many who already had their Master's /PhD. Therefore, this makes me believe that people these days attend colleges to reach highest level in their careers.

Second, the courses at universities often include projects or internships which is counted as work experience. Apart from educational requirements, many firms seek out for candidates who have on hands or practical experience. Many companies tie up with universities and offer internships to the graduates as a part of curriculum. It gives an exposure to the students and prepares them for their jobs. Thus, the projects and internships are relevant for many jobs.

In conclusion, I believe people attend colleges or universities to help them in the advancement of their careers. Getting enrolled for a program not only helps them attain a degree certificate but also adds practical exposure as projects or internships. Both of these are required in today's competitive job market and definitely these students have higher edge in comparison to others
payal1982   
Jul 19, 2016
Writing Feedback / Government spending on the internet - is it the most appropriate use of money? IELTS task 2 [7]

Hi, Here is my feedback:

The first paragraph and second paragraph can be merged. From the first paragraph, I understand that you believe that funding should be done in other important areas too. I was expecting why did you believed so in second paragraph But mentioned more about importance of internet spending. The first paragraph can rephrase why spending in internet is important and why you support spending in other sectors.

You can break the third paragraph into several points like infrastructure, health, education, research which will make your argument and essay strong.

Hope this helps!

Practice makes you perfect!
Thanks!
payal1982   
Jul 19, 2016
Writing Feedback / GRE Argument Essay : Accepting government funding for Grandview Symphony [4]

Hi,

Please find my feedback:

Firstly, the author mentions that the Grandview Symphony was incepted 10 years back, and last year ... ----> this sentence is too long and complicated. I will break it down into smaller sentences for a smooth transition. First, the author mentions it was able to.....because of internationally known conductor. However, it does not mention anything about the previous years since its inception a decade ago.

Overall its well written argument

Hope this helps!

Practice Makes you Perfect!
Thanks!
payal1982   
Jul 16, 2016
Writing Feedback / You have received a gift of money. What would you buy from these options? [4]

You have received a gift of money. The money is enough to buy either a piece of jewelry you like or tickets to a concert you want to attend. Which would you buy? Use specific reasons and details to support your answer.

A gift of money is the best. It provides choices and we can select what we will buy from it based on our needs or preferences. If given a choice to buy a piece of jewelry or to attend a concert, I will definitely choose the later one. There are three main reasons for this preference, which I will explore further.

First, I enjoy concerts as I get a chance to see the famous celebrities. There is a great difference when you see your favorite musician on a TV show and performing live in a concert. Attending a concert of my favorite celebrity or band sparks enthusiasm in me. For example, I recently attended the concert of Taylor swift. Purchasing the tickets, preparing for the show, meeting friends was an exhilarating experience. The crowd cheering from all the directions added to the excitement and raised my spirits. Thus, I had a great time and enjoyed the event thoroughly.

Second, attending a concert helps me relieve stress as I get an opportunity to deviate myself from the daily schedule. Hectic work-life balance adds stress. Though there are many ways to relieve this stress, attending a concert is altogether entering a different world. It helps to keep your focus on the ongoing activity and one can take a break from the routine. It also makes one feel good for days after the event as memories are revisited.

Third, I would pay money to gain an experience in comparison to buy any expensive jewelry. Experiences help an individual to grow and look beyond. Experiences are forever while pleasure from other things may not last for long time. Thus, investing money in a concert is more significant to me.

In conclusion, I will attend a concert if I have received a gift of money. The concert will give me a chance to see the famous celebrities performing in a live setting. Attending a concert can help me take a break from my daily work schedule. It will add to my experiences and will make me feel good.
payal1982   
Jul 16, 2016
Writing Feedback / These days young people are less reliant on their parent's advice to make important life decisions. [4]

Hi,

Here is my feedback:

I agree withe feedbacks above. The introductory paragraph can begin with rephrasing the topic and then you can mention your stance.

The body of the essay, second and third paragraphs can start with your reason and then you can elaborate on it. I do not see the conclusive end of second and third paragraph. Especially in South Korea, many young people have few opportunities to talk with their family because they need to prepare university entrance exam or interview session to get a job. They tend to make their decision based on their own thoughts. ----> Thus, by spending time alone and individual thoughts make young people......

Practice makes you perfect!
Hope this helps!!

Thanks
payal1982   
Jul 16, 2016
Writing Feedback / What is one kind of plant that is important to you or the people in your country? (wheat) [5]

Thanks a lot everyone. No wonder I am writing an essay daily just to improve myself. I know there are several issues with my beginning of essays. and I struggle to fit words.... With practice I am sure I will be much more confident than I am right now.

I go through each feedback seriously and trying to implement in my essays. Thanks for your time and patience.

Practice makes you perfect!!

Thanks
payal1982   
Jul 15, 2016
Writing Feedback / What is one kind of plant that is important to you or the people in your country? (wheat) [5]

Plants can provide food, shelter, clothing, or medicine. What is one kind of plant that is important to you or the people in your country? Use specific reasons and details to explain your choice.

Plants are necessary for the survival of humans. Green plants, which possess chlorophyll take part in photosynthesis and release oxygen. Thus, both humans and animals are dependent on them. Plants are a major source of food and metabolic energy. Plants also contribute to the basic needs. For example, they provide paper, fiber, medicines, timber etc. Additionally, plants help in filtering air and provide a cleaner environment. Wheat is the second staple food in India and is consumed by millions of Indians. In my view, it is the most important plant to the people of my country for two reasons which I have explained below.

First, wheat is a source of income to many farmers and has contributed to the economic development of my country. India is the fourth largest in the world in terms of wheat production after USA, Russia and China. It is mostly produced in north and north western parts of the country. Uttar Pradesh, Punjab and Madhya Pradesh are the top producing states which are now referred as "Granary regions of India". With more than a million farmers dependent on wheat production, it is a source of income to them. There has been an increase in the wheat exports which has contributed to the economic growth of India and upliftment of the rural areas. The favorable temperature conditions for this rabi crop and increased consumption has enabled surplus production. Hence, increased income for the farmers and higher revenues for the country.

Second, wheat provides many other benefits. Flour from hard wheats is rich in gluten and is used in production of bread, flour, biscuits and cereals. Several health benefits of wheat have been suggested. For example, a recent research claimed that it can help reduce the chances of a heart attack .The wheat bran and wheat germ is main source of vitamins and minerals and provides essential nutrients for the growth and the development of body. Wheat is also used in alcohol industry along with molasses from sugarcane. It is also used as a fodder for livestock. Wheat is a source of starch for sizing paper and cloth. Therefore, wheat has both health benefits and commercial value.

In conclusion, wheat is the most important plant to me and the people of my country. It is the staple food of many Indians and a source of livelihood. Many farmers are dependent on wheat production for income. Wheat exports have contributed to the economic growth of the country. Apart from these, wheat has a commercial value and have many health benefits.
payal1982   
Jul 15, 2016
Writing Feedback / Human activity have posed a serious threat to the environment. [4]

Thanks so much ichanpants89. You have motivated me to write more as I am learning a lot. I will keep giving meaningful feedback to others in this forum too.

My exam is a month later. I am sure with feedbacks like that I will reach my goal of getting the top score

Thanks!
payal1982   
Jul 14, 2016
Writing Feedback / Human activity have posed a serious threat to the environment. [4]

Hi I am preparing for my Toefl exam. please see below and give me feedback

Some people believe that the Earth is being harmed (damaged) by human activity. Others feel that human activity makes the Earth a better place to live. What is your opinion? Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer.

The recent advances in technology has created unprecedented opportunities for the current generation. Humans have contributed a lot to the development of society. Various unanswered questions from the past have been worked upon by the collaborative efforts of humans. Today, we can connect to our family and friends instantly. The rise of internet, growth of aviation industry are some of the few areas which have added to our convenience. But for all these advances a cost has been paid. The natural resources have been exploited to an enormous extent. Some people feel that human activity has harmed the Earth while some believe human activities have made it a better place. In my view, human activity has harmed more than making the Earth a better place. I have two reasons to support my argument which I will explore further in the essay.

First, thousands of trees have been cut to build beautiful mansions, offices and buildings. This deforestation has resulted in meager rainfalls in some areas which has affected the crop production on a large basis. Less production has affected the supply chains and have resulted in inflation. For example, there was a report on agriculture published recently. The statistics suggest that many countries have been exporting a lot of cereals due to less production owing to unfavorable conditions. People have been affected both financially and socially by this activity. Ecological imbalance can have serious consequences. The livestock and birds get affected too as the natural habitats of many animals have been damaged due to deforestation.

Second, the rise of automobiles and aviation industry is a threat to future generations in terms of oil. The significant rise of these industries have led to increased consumption of oil per capita basis. These oil deposits are limited and will last not more than 200 years. The time and cost of production is too high for oils. Renewable energy resources can be used as a replacement but these are still being worked upon. It poses a serious threat. Also, there has been increase in pollution and emission of various harmful gases in atmosphere. It has resulted in a serious concern of global warming. The consequences of which are increased sea levels and hence disturbed natural balance.

Human activity have posed a serious threat to the environment. The destruction of trees has disturbed the ecological balance and changed the production patterns. The over use of oils has almost depleted the natural resources. Additionally, Global warming is a serious concern. All these facts make me believe human activity has harmed the earth in numerous ways.
payal1982   
Jul 14, 2016
Writing Feedback / The way many people interact with each other has changed because of technology; IELTS writing task2 [3]

Hi Phonepasong,

Please find my feedback and I hope it will be useful

The introduction is little confusing... "even whether the advancement of technology is gradually changing way of communication in humankind"...This sentence need to rephrased

2nd paragraph: I think you can use short sentences to start with. It will decrease the grammatical errors. For example: The first sentence of this paragraph can state...The internet is one of the most powerful technology. It has helped connecting people via facebook. etc

3rd paragraph: meeting people by face to face (don't use by face to face) has better feeling than to see

Conclusion: In my view conclusion should be the point mentioned in paragraph 1 and 2. I see that introduction and conclusion are the same. Different views of people...hard to make people view things in same way

Hope this helps!
payal1982   
Jul 13, 2016
Writing Feedback / Television, newspapers, magazines - fake and manipulating news out of this reality? [4]

Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? Television, newspapers, magazines, and other media pay too much attention to the personal lives of famous people such as public figures and celebrities. Use specific reasons and details to explain your opinion

Television, newspapers and magazines are considered to be a source of information and entertainment. Their main purpose is to make society aware about the important concerns which affect individuals as a whole. With the increase of news channels and emergence of social media, we are made aware about world affairs in just a few minutes. A proactive media can actually help build strong nations and can work for a cause. I agree that, there is too much attention of media on personal lives of celebrities and public figures these days. I will explore the reasons further in the essay.

First, I think the role of media is deviating away from what it was originally. There is a lot more competition these days because of various news channels. The goal has been changed to increasing the TRPs of the channels rather than providing useful information. Television channels and newspapers focus on making news interesting. For example, I was recently watching Fox News. To my surprise, it just covered the daily schedules and routines of presidential candidate Hillary Clinton. Instead of the campaign agenda and other relevant details from the point of view of a voter, the focus was on internal party politics and various alliances. As a viewer, such piece of information is not worth the time. I believe there is a lot to cover by media. The focus on improper details is questioning the credibility of some of the popular Television channels and Newspapers.

Second, I believe most of these channels, newspapers and magazines are under a political influence. This could be another reason to focus on the personal details of the celebrities. It can have negative effects on the life of a famous personality. The reputation can be ruined by rumors or the facts which media has no evidence about. The media can cover the success stories of these celebrities. How they were able to reach the pinnacle of their careers will help guide youth and many others. Personal details like a loan default or reckless driving years back in not what an individual is interested in. The media should take the responsibility of the facts it is making public

A strong media can create great nations. There are many important issues such as global warming, species on the verge of extinction, poverty and health issues etc. The coverage of such topics will help both current and future generations and make us a responsible individual. It is high time media should focus on more important issues than the personal lives of people.
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