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Posts by kiki23
Name: alrisky
Joined: Sep 13, 2016
Last Post: Nov 17, 2016
Threads: 37
Posts: 64  
Likes: 4
From: Indonesia
School: English Studio

Displayed posts: 101 / page 3 of 3
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kiki23   
Sep 16, 2016
Writing Feedback / 'Sophisticated wearable headset'. Undoubtedly, it is tricky to learn tonal language nowadays. [4]

Hi! I have some advice for you:

it can tell the user this sentence is the fact so use simple present and it shoud be

it tells the user

for autistic people and people who have speech disorder this sentence explains about the disease so you need to mention them instead of the people who owned it and it should be

for autism and deafness

However, according to the inventor, the feedback of the pitch has different outcome because of the specific feedback. , according to the inventor.
kiki23   
Sep 16, 2016
Undergraduate / The Puzzle Piece that is F.I.T. - Fashion Institute of Technology admission essay [3]

Hi pleasehelpessay! I have some advice for you:

Based on my experiences, you should not repeating the question given on your statement. For example:

What I believe makes me the perfect candidate for FIT... should be

I strongly believe that I am the perfect candidate for FIT because... (sell yourself here, put the biggest achievement you have had, your strong skill, and the confidence but do not too arrogant).

With all the priceless resources that FIT has to offer should be

With all the priceless resources offering by FIT...

I spent the next 9 years supporting myself while working in the retail, ... should be

I spent the next 9 years supporting myself by taking any works helped me to continue life, for instance I worked in retail, restaurant, and music industry.


Hopefully you can be one of the candidate! Cheers!
kiki23   
Sep 15, 2016
Writing Feedback / The least popular transportation chosen by the workers is cycling or walking [4]

The CO2 Emissions from Different Forms of Transport

The following table and the bar chart give data about travelling to work in Houston, Texas. To begin, the table provides information about the percentage of travelers per form transport to work and average age of them based on four transportation's; car for one person, car contains more than one person, cycling or walking, and train or bus. Meanwhile the bar chart shows the CO2 Emissions from different forms of transport. Eventually, there is connection between both the table and the chart.

The last popular transportation chosen by the workers is cycling or walking which is only four percent aged 44 of travelers have courage to choose them. However, it is totally use no CO2 Emission. Furthermore, catching bus or train is in the second used by 37 percent of the commuters aged 47, but the CO2 Emission consumed is just over the percentage of the last popular one. Having about 0.07 kilograms per person per kilometer of CO2 Emission, the third popular transport taken is car rode by four people which only 11 percent of the workers aged 44 took it.

The most common transportation used by the commuters to work in Houston, Texas is car for one person. As much as 48 percent aged 43 in average choose this way. Unfortunately, this way of travel is not worth at all when it comes to the CO2 Emission issue. It drains 0.31 kilograms per person per kilometer of CO2 Emission. In this case, all of the commuters riding car alone eventually consumed 24 kilograms per person per kilometer of CO2 Emission. In conclusion, people is tend to ride car alone instead of use the zero emissions transportation.




kiki23   
Sep 15, 2016
Writing Feedback / Too much, too young should schooling start at age [7]

Hi! I have some advice for you:

shoul = should

It can be disputed. make it subtle = People are still debating this issue.
What do you mean in this sentence?

Thet added that children must be nurtured with Pre-school .

Is the "that" you mentioned is the name of someone or you accidentally press e instead of a? If it is mean to put information from someone by adding his name, I think you should put his competency. For example:

Thet, the minister of ...., add some interesting points....
kiki23   
Sep 15, 2016
Writing Feedback / Most Americans Think Burgers Are Healthy [3]

Surprisingly depressed news comes from nutritionist examining 1.767 Americans who had ordered a tasty burger instead of healthful sandwich from a restaurant in the last three months. As much as 62 percent from the respondents of the survey obviously choose fatty burger than fresh sandwich, while 82 percent realize that sandwich is healthier. Moreover, their reason appeared because they think burger is not only a delicious glut meal but also cooked and served with an amount of vegetables, meat, and bread contains good sources needed by the human body; such as protein, iron and vitamin B12. However, it comes with a lot of problems than it seems which made of fatty meat, sugary ketchup and refined grain buns. Therefore, the World Health Organization (WHO) just proclaims the processed meat is a carcinogen and red meat likely causes cancer which all contained in the burger instead of healthy sandwich.

Sources : time/4345052/burgers-healthy-red-meat/?iid=sr-link1
kiki23   
Sep 15, 2016
Writing Feedback / Write a paragraph ( 40 - 50 words ) telling your feeling about a traffic accident happened [3]

Hi! I have some advice for you:

Avoid the repetition of "I" and add some conjunctions to make your writing or speech more subtle

For example:

After having five subjects at school, I felt so tired and hungry. Those reasons made me ride the cycle faster than it should be. All of a sudden, a shocking accident frightening all of the people including me happened. I am so lucky that it is not happen to me and it is obviously the most frightening event in my life.
kiki23   
Sep 14, 2016
Writing Feedback / Multiple outdoor and indoor activities - The purpose of all tourists visiting New Zealand [2]

International Visitors to New Zealand - Reason for visit - IELTS Task 1

The bar chart provides information about the purposes of all tourists visiting New Zealand and is measured in percent. There are two types of holidaymaker reasons visiting New Zealand those are to do some outdoor and indoor activities. On the whole, the data shows the most reason of the holidaymaker came to New Zealand is for doing the outdoor activities.

The chart gives several outdoor activities as the tourists' purposes those are walking around the New Zealand, enjoying the sightseeing, visiting volcanos, and riding boat. Walking around is appeared on the top of the list of the outdoor activity and at once is the most reason of traveler visiting New Zealand. Second, as much as 75 percent traveler aims to enjoy the New Zealand view. Having an experiment to ride boat is the third reason appeared on the chart and has a 5 percent margin different with paying a visit to the volcanos mountain which has 50 percent. However, the indoor traveler purposes is commonly to visit the historical building such as museum and it has 40 percent.




kiki23   
Sep 14, 2016
Writing Feedback / Summary Article : Oil Pipeline Construction Halted After Native American Protests [2]

Hi! I have some advice for you!

Your writing is quite comprehensive but missing the strong statement of the article that you summarize and you should put that on the the first paragraph.

... would be contrary to the habits havehad been there before.

One of the example offor the energy isfrom source non-renewable like of petroleum.

..., if completed, it will be connect to the oil fields of North Dakota ...
kiki23   
Sep 14, 2016
Writing Feedback / Al Gore stressed the importance of being aware of the climate change [2]

AL-GORE: New thinking on the climate crisis

Al Gore points are to stress the importance of being aware of the climate change. According to his speech the main environment challenges currently emerging is divided into two areas which are global and regional problems. First, the global problems contain air pollution, water pollution, and hazardous waste dumps which are a problem for almost all countries nowadays. Second, the regional problem is the appearance of acid rain happened from Midwest to the Northeast, and from Western Europe to the Arctic, and from the Midwest out the Mississippi into the dead zone of the Gulf of Mexico. Under these circumstances, one of the biggest climate change impacts that he gave as an example is the fact that after over 28 years the melting ice of the Arctic has threatened Greenland. Overall, in his opinion, global warming has an impact on all aspects of life. So in respond to these issues, Al-Gore urges us to build a worldwide, global mobilization for renewable energy, conservation, efficiency and a global transition to a low-carbon economy mobilized by politics. On the whole, his speech is stating that politics nowadays can tackle the climate change issues.
kiki23   
Sep 14, 2016
Writing Feedback / There are five common activities for tourist in New Zealand [3]

Hi! Here some advices for you;

Do not forget to put the chart measurement on your writing: The bar chart shows the percentage of aim of travelers to do in New Zealand and it is measured in percent.
kiki23   
Sep 14, 2016
Writing Feedback / The relationship between sovereignty and the law is relatively straightforward. When it comes to pol [2]

Issue appeared in Britain politics these days is dominated by the way to withdraw the control the sovereignty which is addressing to the relationship between the United Kingdom and the European Union (EU). For more than decades, the United Kingdom has become an important member of the European Union (EU). Conversely, Britain is not feel the same way in which they think they have lost their power as a sovereign European Country so that the Brexit agenda that want to leave European Union comes up. Unfortunately, there are misconceptions in analyzing the idea of not having control of their own country as well. As Jean Bodin, the French political thinker, says sovereignty can be shared in this modern political days. In addition, his idea supported by others political analyst such as Hobbes and Rousseau. However, on the whole, what we need to underline is the whole sovereignty misunderstanding caused by the complicated political events happened yet cannot be determine.
kiki23   
Sep 14, 2016
Writing Feedback / The pie chart gives us information where people who travel to New Zealand come from [10]

Hi Mem77! Here some advices:

First, I think your writing is less than 150 words. Second, you need to put the conclusion or strong statement in the first paragraph before you continue to the next paragraph. Third, avoid repetition and try to use the synonym of the common words appeared on your writing.

For example:

countries=nations
origin=homeland
kiki23   
Sep 13, 2016
Writing Feedback / The result from a recent survey revealed the lack of geopolitical skills among American youth [2]

Most Young Americans Can't Pass a Test on Global Affairs-Can You?

A surprising result comes from a recent survey on American youth nowadays revealed the lack of geopolitical skill that they have. Even though they can answer the primary geographic questioned, they failed to respond on the currently fundamental issues; such as the impact of US dollar on today's economic, the United Nations structure, and the US current politics. Generally, they are unable to associate both cultural and demographic content in a comprehensive statement.

A total of 75 questions the survey given to 1,203 American young adults shows only among 18-to-26-year-olds youth who once took college which has average score, about 55 percent. It turned out that a failure to acknowledge the economics and trade, demographic, and cultural issues have an impact on a person's political choice. This also happened in the Brexit vote case. However, Richard Haass, president of the Council on Foreign Relations, argues that the inability to understand this geopolitical issue as an open door to give a proper education regarding the geopolitical current issues because the American young adults were eventually understand how important it is to know these things.
kiki23   
Sep 13, 2016
Writing Feedback / International Visitors to New Zealand: Country of Origin [4]

The pie chart explains the homeland of international tourists visiting New Zealand and is measured in percent. It shows three groups of the origin of the international visitors; those are the English speaking nations, the East Asian, and the other. Overall, the majority of international tourists homeland comes from the English speaking countries.

The English speaking nations that have travelers often visited New Zealand contain Australia, United Stated of America, and United Kingdom. Australia has almost a half of the total percentage, while respectively United Kingdom has 12 percent and United State of America has 9 percent.

The East Asian countries mentioned by the chart are China, Japan, and South Korea. However, the East Asian percentage is lower than 15 percent. It shows China has the highest tourists visited New Zealand among other East Asian nations. Meanwhile, South Korea has smaller percentage than Japan. In addition, there are several other countries as much as 27 percent mentioned.





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