Scholarship / I was graduated from University of Indonesia majoring Occupational Health and Safety [6]

Merged:

Why are you interested in applying for Science of Occupational Health, Safety and the Environment?

This is my motivation letter to apply for university course. The prompt question is Why are you interested in applying for Science of Occupational Health, Safety and the Environment MSc ?

Make sure your personal statement is relevant to the course(s) you have applied for, and that at least 75% of it is related to what you want to study, and why you want to study that subject.The remaining 25% of your statement should be about your other achievements. We do not want to see a list of everything you have done at school but are interested to see if you have taken full advantage of the chances that have been available to you

I was graduated from University of Indonesia majoring Occupational Health and Safety. I have been working in the field of Occupational Health and Safety for more than 2 years. Through this field, I discover something more valuable in life through the worker I work with. I feel useful and impactful for them as they got a prize from their supervior because of my previous suggesstion or they express their gratitide toward me they teach their family to implement safety campaign that I told them in their daily life. For Instance, he encourage his elder son to always use helmet when ride his motorcycle, he also taught his wife about kitchen safety, he turned off his car engine when he filled for petrol and he did not want to drive his car before everyone in the car use their seatbelt.

During my previous university education, I developed myself in both academic and non-academic. From academic side, I successfully finished my study a semester earlier than it should be with a good grade. On the other hand for non-academic side, I joined Occupational Health and Safety Community (OHSC), a student community of my major. I successfully conducted Occupationa Health and Safety National seminar as event coordinator and university base seminar as a project officer. Addionally, I am also a member of an outdoor skill organization called MAPALA UI which gives me opportunity to be experience mountaineering, caving, rafting and climbing. Recently, my friend and I co-founded a community which inspire countryside young generation about higher education and variety of jobs called Inspirasi Anak Nagari. We had conducted two programs which shared job experiences and higher education experiences to almost thousands elementary and high school students last July. We will launch a libarary and held a sholarship seminar by the end of this year.

My university background and work experience in the field of Occupational Health and Safety confirm my intention to develop my knowledge and skills in this area. I want to pursue a post graduate education on Science of Occupational Health, Safety and the Environment in University of Birmingham because this major has been accreditted by The Institution of Occupational Safety and Health (IOSH), a proffesional body which set the framework of syllabus and monitor the programs. Additionally, the major have multidisciplinary courses which provides me ability to identify hazards, evaluate risks, and suggest control measures in a wide range of health, safety and/or environmental problems in a multi-disciplinary team. Moreover, this course use vary learning methods such as formal lectures; group work; case studies; practical simulations; industrial/commercial visits; and student centred learning which will be useful to develop my knowledge and skills in the science and practice of occupational health, safety and environmental.

In addition, I have determined my future goal to be an Occupational Health and Safety expert in my country to solve problems in vary industry workplaces. This is definetely would be area in which, I devote my attention on academic career and employement. This intention could be achieved if I am able to provide myself with excellent master degree education, in order to improve my knowledge significantly. Lastly, I want to have some contribution in academic development of Occupational Health and Safety by being a guest lecturer in some universities. To support this activities, I will use my theoretical sight, practitioner sight, and international collaboration gained from my study in University of Birmingham.

Writing Feedback / The importance of communication skills in job relation [3]

Hi Yika,

1. You should provide the picture of your essay, so we can check the information from the table.
2. The survey conducted in 1997 and 2006, you should use "past tense" to explain you opinion in the essay. I don't think you do this in your essay.

3. You have include 3 main parts of IELTS writing part 1 : introduction, overview and detail. But I can't elaborate more in this part because I can't imagine the table.

Thanks

Writing Feedback / The information about the air diffusion in a house and how it reduces heat [3]

Dear Lincoln,

There are 3 main part in this IELTS part 1:

1. Introduction --> Paraphrase the question (you say the question in other words)

you do a good job in this part but you miss to include "energy waste" which clearly state in the question.

2. Overview --> General Information/ summary/ conclusion of the diagram. the words "overall", " In general" are commonly used in the beginning of this part.

I can't see which one is your overview in this essay.

3. Detail--> detail information about diagram which state numbers, stages, etc

I agree with Mary suggestion about making 3 different paragraphs to explain 3 different floors. You can focus to explain 3 things which are air flow, heat lost and energy waste with every specific equipment from each floor.

I hope this can help you.
Thanks

Writing Feedback / The housing was the most significant sector of all surveyed countries expenditures [2]

Hi there.. Your writing is great but there is a small correction from me to make it better.

... health care at 26% and 7% (respectively )
... 14% and 4% in Food and Clothing (respectively )

Thanks

Writing Feedback / American, Swedes and Japanese in the age group of 65s and more [3]

Hi there.. Your writing is great but there are some correction that I think will make it better. :)

In my opinion, you should make a clear line about past, present and future time. You should draw a line where the present time is, so you know the right tenses to use.

In 2000s, there is predicted that the proportion ...

I think its better to mention which decades you are referring to..
Turning to the next decades , Sweden and the USA

Thanks.

Writing Feedback / There are five steps and several types of equipment that can be used in the cement-making process [6]

Hi there, your writing is great but there are several correction to make it better. :)

... information about how to steps

and equipment (are ) used to produce cement

there are 5 (five) steps and several ...

cement-making process, (.) there are some (...) which is(are) used to

Based on diagrams 1(first diagram)

Thanks

Writing Feedback / Schools spent most of money on their teachers and simultaneously the insurance outlay was the lowest [2]

Hi there.. Your writing is great, but there are some correction to make it better..

... was addressed to salaries (salary) of workers --> "to + infinitive" requirement

It better to paraphrase and use different work to express the same thing, so it will be less repeated word in each paragraph such as outlay, etc

Thanks.

Writing Feedback / These pie charts illustrate the total outcome of school in particular sections in 1981, 1991 & 2001 [2]

Hi there.. Your writing is great but there are some correction to make it better.

insurance during these periods . --> which periods ? It's better to mention which period you are refering to

if it (that ) sector compares

After that, it reached the (a ) peaked at one-fifth in 1991

Lastly, for insurance sector ...

Thanks.

Writing Feedback / The total cost which particular school in UK spent for its necessities during 30 years. [3]

Hi there.. Your writing is great, but there are some correction to make it better..

spent for its necessary(necessity) during 30 years.

In 1999 , school must give --> there is no 1999 mention in the opening

However, resources and furniture(s ) had the same cost ...

In the following year , ---> you need to specified which year ?

Thanks.

Writing Feedback / Deforestation is the consequence of both population growth and unlimited logging. [2]

Hi there, your writing is great but there are some correction for you in order to be better.

... of trees and plants are fell (cut ) down in

That wood industries like (...) amount of timber (which ) results in tree chopping as well

that (The ) loggers build roads

forests (which ) leads to further

Thanks.

Writing Feedback / Exploring every part of a house in search of a slots through which the air is leaking [3]

Hi There,

Your writing is great but there are some correction to make it better..

from many {several } places.. --> it is better to change "many" into "several" to make it more formal.

he air from bottom side or first floor flow to the --> it is better for you to choose one between bottom side or first floor.

Thanks.

Writing Feedback / The growth of advanced technology has revolutionized the way people live and work [2]

Hi there,

Your writing is great but there is a small correction for you..

For instance, internet provides many websites contained negative content..
--> 2 verb in a sentence, I think you should change the 2nd verb into gerund (v-ing) or add a connector.

Thanks.

Writing Feedback / I believe that everyone is a leader because every great leadership start from self-leadership [3]

Thanks a lot for the correction @ abhavsar

Writing Feedback / Article Summary : The Causes of Acne [3]

Hi there... I have some correction for you..

A full-spotty break out {which } known as the acne,

The acne bacterial {called } Propionibacterium acnes, living {live } in the airless

Writing Feedback / Over 200 million people are suffering from Malaria, the disease caused by mosquitos; TED summary [2]

Hi there...

Your writing is good but I have some correction to make it better..

lifespan has more than doubled

the age {of } five

mostly, are{were} Diarrhoe

this disease involves many things. It involves {such as } communicators

Writing Feedback / The benefit of playing sports for human life [2]

Hi there,

there are several correction from me to make your writing much better..

keep your health --> stay healthy

..., badminton or another sport is helpful --> are

It also helps you (_) have the positive emotion --> add word "to"

Thanks.

Writing Feedback / Ho Chi Minh City at rush hours [2]

Hi there Uliser...

Your writing is good, but it will be much better to do some correction below..

Ho Chi Minh is the biggest and the most crowded city in Vietnam. ( I prefer to separate this long sentence. )

so at rush hours, traffic jam usually takes place, especially in the inner city. People experience traffic jam at rush hours, especially in the inner city. ( a subject should be added to the second sentences, so it became like this.)

... is 8,224 million people but its area is only ... ( I think it will be better to change "but" with "while")

there are many {........} motorbikes, cars, bicycles and a few of buses on the road. ( It will be better if " vehicles such as " are added)

Thanks.

Writing Feedback / Summary of TEDx How women wage conflict without violence [4]

Hi there..
This is a great summary but you can make it much better with below suggestion :

Conflict and inequality gender are all ears is like some..
there should be just one verb (is, are) in a sentence

Bacha was start filming
this is the same problem with previous one, choose one of those two verb.

a woman who a filmmaker named Julia Bacha
You can write " a woman filmmaker" instead

Thanks

Writing Feedback / TED Summary: How Playing an Instrument Benefits Your Brain by Anita Collins [5]

Hi Fitri, I have several suggestion for you :

is able to increase the volume and motions of the brain's corpus
I think the word before and after "and" should have the same form. it can be corrected to "volumes and motions"

including planning, approaching, and attention to detail ,
it has similar problem with the previous one. You can say " .. and getting attention to detail"

It also allows musicians to solve problems
you can add personal pronoun "their" before the word problem

Thanks