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"Super Babysitter"- Common App Short Answer

5 - The details of your babysitting experience, such as the family count and the activities you do, are quite fitting....

Undergraduaterelly21 - Oct 23, 2010alexla - Oct 23, 2010
"Why Stanford?" I want to be a bridge

4 - I like your bridge metaphor. Some parallels are drawn a bit awkward . e.g.: ... and attaching...

UndergraduateMKodicR - Oct 19, 2010JJlu - Oct 23, 2010
"the girls' basketball team" - one of your extracurricular activities/work experience

4 - Hi Jacqueline, I see that Gnu made an excellent revision and corrected all your sentences. I hope you practice...

Undergraduatejcoraizaca - Oct 19, 2010EF_Kevin - Oct 23, 2010
(my youth hockey coaches) - Person of impact

2 - Not a good first sentence. It's boring! And "you name it" does not really fit the way you...

Undergraduatebjo - Oct 19, 2010EF_Kevin - Oct 23, 2010
"Playing a violin" - GMU Admission Essay: Significant contribution

2 - typo: and was one of the youngest members . Don't use however this way: Mrs. Shu wanted me...

Undergraduateeternallove - Oct 19, 2010EF_Kevin - Oct 23, 2010
"History, a need to understand the world" - Personal Statement- Topic of your Choice

3 - There is no doubt that your writing skills are amazing. Every sentence really well put together. My problem...

Undergraduateboyohboy17 - Oct 23, 2010blackpixel23 - Oct 23, 2010
MY ROOM ESSAY (to carry out various leisure activities)

3 - Keep all the verbs in the same "form" in that list of activities: studying, watching, listening, talking, surfing ...

Writing Feedbackmichy81508 - Oct 19, 2010EF_Kevin - Oct 23, 2010
"music has always had a place in my life" - Cornell Music Supplement Essay

2 - Here are some "extra" words that I think you should cut: Having taken piano lessons for ten years with...

Undergraduatevenna3 - Oct 19, 2010EF_Kevin - Oct 23, 2010
"I want to become a child psychologist" - my personal statement.

9 - in the first paragraph, you should spell out seven instead of 7 and for the last sentence put...

Undergraduatesolano1993 - Oct 18, 2010tee1709 - Oct 23, 2010
"3800 miles in the Atlantic" - Signifigant experience essay

2 - My trek began with my rear wheel in the Pacific and finished with my front wheel in the Atlantic,...

Undergraduatekatep - Oct 19, 2010EF_Kevin - Oct 23, 2010
"Baseball is important to me" - Help with Occidental Supplement

4 - Big thanks to both of you, your help is much appreciated....

Undergraduatejj442434 - Oct 17, 2010jj442434 - Oct 23, 2010
About my choice of "Art"; Short answer - Written answers

3 - Don't cry! There is no reason to cry. In your statement, although you show that you have no...

Undergraduatemightygrinch - Oct 19, 2010dooleh - Oct 23, 2010
"She may have gone into.... , or [have] lost..." - sentence correction request

6 - Technically, both examples are grammatically correct. The first is a more concise rendering of the statement, while the second...

Grammar, Usagechristy199312 - Oct 12, 2010dooleh - Oct 23, 2010
"Imagination is my playground" - College Application Essay ; Carnegie Mellon

3 - I think you should omit the first sentence. It is nice to start with that second sentence, which is...

UndergraduateRocket boy - Oct 19, 2010EF_Kevin - Oct 23, 2010
Usage of footnotes in college essay

4 - I would avoid it. You want to make sure those who will be reading your essay can read it...

Essaysrow4life - Oct 19, 2010dooleh - Oct 23, 2010
"petroleum engineer" - statment of purpose chemical engineer

3 - ... has opened my eyes to one of the major word (world? I hate word problems! :-) ...

Graduateameera - Oct 19, 2010EF_Kevin - Oct 23, 2010
The Turkish Community - Common Application

7 - You know, I did not even notice that you hadn't really talked about your place in the community....

UndergraduateEditor1010 - Oct 16, 2010EF_Kevin - Oct 23, 2010
"willingness to help others" - I'm very happy with most aspects of my personality

3 - I'm very happy with most aspects of my personality, but the one that I value willingness to help others...

Undergraduatepdowling - Oct 19, 2010bakamanju - Oct 23, 2010
Peking University Model United Nations - Brown "Intellectual experience" MUN

3 - Here is a great opportunity to give you and anyone else who reads this a useful writing tip....

Undergraduateginnykatherine - Oct 19, 2010EF_Kevin - Oct 23, 2010
My dad, a well experienced person, has made a big impact in my life

2 - Trim what is unnecessary: He was and continues to be a positive role model as a father. He is...

Undergraduatejaser00 - Oct 19, 2010EF_Kevin - Oct 23, 2010
Is there anything we can do to stop crime?

3 - Education is an essential element in reducing the crime rate in the long run. According to the recent...

Writing Feedbackzchen1987 - Oct 22, 2010bakamanju - Oct 23, 2010
"My Grandfather, focusing on health of others" - Common App Essay- Influencial Person

4 - You have to change this so that it sounds like HE was born in 1914, not his father:...

Undergraduatewooleyj - Oct 19, 2010EF_Kevin - Oct 23, 2010
"island to big city" & "single father"

3 - Another goal of mine includes becoming a Certified Public Accountant.----- Don't use "includes" here. You must be thinking of...

Undergraduateisland_g - Oct 19, 2010EF_Kevin - Oct 23, 2010
Tennis=Hard work (not genius) - Common App Extracurricular Activity

4 - The essay is a bit too short. You do convey your message clearly, but the whole prose could definitely...

UndergraduateKryptus - Oct 23, 2010partooz - Oct 23, 2010
Why You Shouldn't Get Excited on the Golf Course

5 - you should try to catch the readers attention without asking a question in the beginning. maybe at the end...

Writing Feedbackmegasoccer4 - Oct 14, 2010hannahkim91 - Oct 23, 2010
"Spotlights and Steering Wheels" - Common Application Essay

5 - Instead of capitalizing "performer" put it in " " marks like I did here. That will show introspection rather...

Undergraduateysabelbrown - Oct 14, 2010EF_Kevin - Oct 23, 2010
"to grow as a student and as a person" - UNCW 2010

2 - The word "this" should be followed by a noun, usually: Through this process , I was able to have...

Undergraduateemg725 - Oct 19, 2010EF_Kevin - Oct 23, 2010
cover letter for the postdoctoral position (in astronomy)

4 - I think it will look good if XXXXX, XXXXX, and XXXXX are three areas very relevant to the...

Letterschanggoo - Oct 16, 2010EF_Kevin - Oct 23, 2010
"the need for academic knowledge" - MPH Program

2 - I was mesmerized to listening to their achievements, how passionate they were about their work. Comma & capitalization:...

GraduateTide - Oct 19, 2010EF_Kevin - Oct 23, 2010
"intellectual interests" - Cornell: College of Arts and Sciences.

2 - After the semi-colon, do not capitalize: ...t eachers did not made make the slightest attempt to explain why...

UndergraduatePaullee - Oct 19, 2010EF_Kevin - Oct 23, 2010
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