Writing Feedback / If I have enough money what would I do? Purchase either a house or a business? TOEFL [2]


People need a home to live and money to survive and thrive. Without any doubt, a business is an effective way to generate a decent revenue.


.... well... are you a clerk? then you better say so! Otherwise do not pick up just one profession as it would give a stereotype generalization. Also, at this point you can say why you would choose a business.


First, purchasing a house involves lots of money that one needs many years to save. However, if I have a good business that is capable of generating that money in a shorter period and that would help me have both the business and house. .... clever idea, isn't it? :D

Writing Feedback / TOEFL: Television has more bad than good in respect of bonds with family and friends [2]


What are these indirect experiences? Better specify.
Good introduction!
Thus,Therefore they cannot make appointment or go out with their family or friends at thatduring these programs are telecastedtime since they thinkthe programs are so crucialfind them more important to their lives



.... I feel you now can generalize the idea again to reiterate your point;
Such addictions may strain relationships with the closed ones and influence people to be more individualistic persons.
You write very well... I think you can go for a very good score :)

Writing Feedback / Participating in games teaches many lessons for life [4]

Make sure you post your prompt with the essay so that others can provide you with more relevant feed back. I guess your topic is that " playing games teaches lessons for life" and they ask for your opinion about the argument.


... this line is contradictory to the previous sentence. In the previous line you say some say playing game is good and in this one you say everybody thinks it's a bad influence. You need to have a consistent flow in your writing and be careful of these errors.

This whole is is packed in one big paragraph. You need to break your ideas into several paras, ideally - introduction, body paras and conclusion. Are you preparing for IELTS or TOEFL?

In that case, you better practice following the 4 para structure.

Writing Feedback / The rising levels of congestion and air pollution [2]


This affects negatively on quality of life that people lead. Therefore, governments should take necessary measures to control traffic and air pollution in major cities. In my opinion, encouraging people to use public transportation instead of their private vehicles is one of the most effective ways to address this issue.





Good Essay... You can write well :)

Writing Feedback / TOEFL: What do you want for your major? Specific reasons & Examples [3]



This is because many economic theories are developed to be expressed through mathematical interpretations.


Before entering the university, I thought I would never get a chance to apply my knowledge in differentiation which I learned in the highschool .


... knowledge
However, this is not a common type of a topic that you get in TOEFL tests. Generally those topics follow a certain pattern and if you aim to go for a good score, you need to practice those with time following the right essay format.

Writing Feedback / TOEFL; Different cloths get people to behave differently. Agree or Disagree? [4]


Cloths can express the various demographics of people such as their culture, social class, religion etc.


However, judging the background of a person by what that person wears is also can be very misleading.



... this line has a few issues. Grammar, clarity, flow, punctuation etc. .... You better rephrase this line as it lacks clarity and your idea is not conveyed to the reader.

Writing Feedback / TOEFL: (Dis/agree) spend money as you earn it or not [3]

Well.... It's better you introduce your topic first and then slowly let it flow to the point of expressing your opinion. Then you can either very briefly introduce your reasons in the intro or let that to happen in your forthcoming body paras. What they mainly expect is an introduction of the topic and the opinion.

... This topic is a broad one and you better maintain it rather than narrowing down to a specific segment. So,you should present your reason broadly and then with the example you can narrow down it.

To begin with, certain activities can only be performed during certain periods of life. For example, youth love to engage in adventurous sports, but they would be too dangerous for seniors. To elaborate more on this point, suppose . ...(give the more specific example)

Writing Feedback / Single world culture; TOEFL; the same internet, television programs and language [5]


... this sentence does not flow well...It's a bit too long as well.
In the introduction you need to introduce your topic and then state your opinion on the given argument. I don't say that this is a bad introduction. However, these main features are somewhat missing here. You should have talked about the development of communication technologies, especially the internet,much earlier in this para because it is their influence that has been instrumental in bringing the world together.

Writing Feedback / Albert Einstein and Thomas Edison; Compare & Contrast [2]


Science and technology has contributed immensely to the development of human society.

Well.... you are to compare and contrast these two people and therefore you focus should be more on them. So you need to introduce these two people in the introduction better.

Writing Feedback / FACE TO FACE COMMUNICATION is a better way to communicate [4]


.... whether you agree or not , those things are there. So, the first section sounds irrelevant. Do not include phrases that cannot add much value to your writing. That may make the examiner tired of reading your essay and you would lose marks.


.... keep in present tense as it keeps happening.
However, some people find these modern methods of communication as a hindrance to sound human relationships because these methods fail to accommodate feelings and emotions that directly and more freely expressed in face to face communication.


.... I think this is disturbing your flow. You are going to justify why you believe face to face communication is better. So you better stick to that. If you mentioned about this opposing view, then you need prove that it does not make much sense. That you have not done in this para.

Writing Feedback / Internet is turning the world into a global village [5]


No.... it does not look too long. However, the most important thing is that you should be able to manage time. If you take more than the time allocated for this task to write this essay, then it can be considered as too long :D

Also, if you think of shortening the essay, you can limit your body paras to 2 paragraphs. That means, give only two reasons with two specific examples. That's more than enough. :)

Writing Feedback / The advertising and the need of society, IELTS [3]


.... I feel the first part of this sentence sounds a bit irrelevant. It sounds better without that.


....good


... This is my suggestion;
In my view, it is the advertising that tempt people to buy things irrespective of their real needs.


.... you need to bring out the real reason here;
First, advertising techniques are based on influencing human psychology. Therefore it uses various tricks to attract the attention of people and promote them to buy their respective products.

Writing Feedback / TOEFL; Keep your old friends or form new friends? [3]


.... why qualify ? Say this in general;
Friends are a valuable asset to everybody.


.... .time to time
Good introduction!


... this para is not well aligned with your topic. You don't talk about whether it is good to have more friends than less or vise verse. Always keep your writing aligned with the topic. Give reasons as to which is better over the other. Then support your reasons with specific examples.

Writing Feedback / In some countries it has been made illegal for people to smoke in all public places. [2]


...kills who? what? .... make the sentence sound complete.
Very good introduction. It's well presented :)


... I guess you can combine these two paras because the second one is too very short.
Overall, this is a good essay... you show very good writing skills :)

Scholarship / I have financial constraints for pursuing a tertiary education; SCHOLARSHIP/ Reasons [8]


.... well-off family means that it's a rich family. So your argument sounds somewhat contradicting.

.... Well... I think you need to change the order of your ideas.... Financial constraints may be your most important reason for applying the scholarship. But you better come to that point a bit tactfully. First tell them how keen you are to pursue a tertiary education and how well you deserve that opportunity. And then say, these financial constraints are the biggest barrier for achieving that .

Writing Feedback / TOEFL IBT; E-mail or Voice mail Versus Telephone or face to face [3]

... Sure.... :D


... This is ok, my suggestion;
Technology is continuing to advance at a very fast pace everyday.


.... I wish you had set up a better link with the previous sentence. This is my suggestion;
This technological advancement has brought about many changes into the field of communication.The traditional communication methods such as face-to-face communication and telephone are now almost replaced by more modern communication methods such as e-mails and voice mail.

Now you introduce the argument;
While some people favor these modern communication technologies, others still prefer the traditional communication modes.
Then state your opinion :)
In the introduction, first introduce your topic and the argument clearly. Then state your opinion.

Scholarship / Multi-Use Scholarship Essay/ What is important to you and why? [3]


... hey this is bad :D ... This sounds as if you do not know where you are heading and hence you are far from visionary.


My interest got nurtured by Genu Valgum, a condition in bones which is commonly known as Knock-knees that I suffered from young age.


For many years, the doctors failed to diagnose this condition and assumed it to be related to other problems.

Writing Feedback / The most of high-school studients haven't planned their career when they graduate [4]


Well.... follow the four para structure; Introduction, 2 body paras and Conclusion.
Introduction - Introduce the topic + state your opinion about the argument
Body para 1; Give your first reason for your opinion + support it with a specific example
Body para 2; Second reason + example
Conclusion; Sum up everything you said about and re-instate your opinion.
There are many good essays you find under TOEFL... Follow their structure :)

Writing Feedback / Are we always doing things that we enjoy? IELTS [8]

Hi,
First, I have a small request for you. Please provide a meaningful subject when you post your essay. This topic should well describe your essay :)


I guess I commented about this in one of your previous essays too. It's better to start with introducing your topic. Then state your opinion.

Also this is not grammatically correct. It should be;
I am agreeing / I agree


... going? a typo? ... this is not well presented;
Some people engage in things that they do not really enjoy
You need to pay lots of attention to grammar. Start working on it now itself.

Writing Feedback / Art, music, and drama should be a part of curriculum [6]


.... This line has two main issues; It has some grammar errors and it is too lengthy that affects the clarity of your sentence. Also it is confusing and does not deliver any clear idea :(

kids raise/ kids are raising


I believe that education is the best thing that we can give to our children.


why I think

Writing Feedback / The most of high-school studients haven't planned their career when they graduate [4]

What's the purpose of this writing? It's not clear. What do you expect from others? Do you need help with editing you wrote or you need ideas to expand this essay?

.... or do someone affect their choices? .... what do you mean by this?

Letters / COVER LETTER ; Summer school in Paris at L' universite Pierre et Marie Curie [2]


.... what is the opportunity? Nothing is said about that :(


.... I think you need to improve presentation of this para.


I had been able to acquire an in depth knowledge by this program.


The main reason why I am keen on participating in this program is to further enhance my knowledge in this area, especially through the lectures and sessions guided by the French professor.

Scholarship / Ausaid scholarship for Master in Professional Accounting [6]


You can talk about your passion for a particular field and your ultimate goal. Then say this chosen course would pave the path for reaching your goal. You can even pick a few subjects and talk about their specific contribution. Tell about how you researched to find the most appropriate course.


Specify your career goals and show the contribution by this course, both theoretically and practically.

Writing Feedback / TOEFL; School should purchase Books or Computers for the library? [3]


... you begin with expressing your opinion. I prefer if you introduced your prompt to the reader before stating your opinion. Otherwise it sounds like a direct answer to a question.



.... avoid using abbreviations in this type of essays. Everything you write needs to be very comprehensive and show creativeness.


.... this is not presented well. This is what I suggest;
First, it is very important for the schools to enable their students access the Internet that is the best media for information.

Undergraduate / Cancers and Alzheimers have affected my education; special circumstances [6]


...6 months getting repeated. :(
My suggestion;
After fighting the cancer while receiving intense care, she passed away after six months.


It was detected early enough for us to save her with multiple surgeries and radiation.


... This line is too long and hence not so interesting. Why not break it to two? :)

Writing Feedback / Young adults should learn to become financially responsibleSECU [4]


.... I think you better avoid slang forms


... debit cards and credit cards two different card types. I think this sentence does not make sense due to that reason.


.....but I know that with a less self-control and temptation, these attractive innovations can become very damaging and can even cripple monetary tools.

Writing Feedback / IELTS; Try new things or repeat things we know? [6]


.... Why did you use the word "understanding"? ... It really does not go with this idea."Attitude" is fine.
My suggestion;
People have different attitudes and perceptions. ... perception has somewhat close meaning to understanding, but it refers to how you view things.


... do not lengthen your sentences too much. That disturbs your flow of ideas and tend to confuse the reader. This is my suggestion;
Some people do not mind repeating what they do on routine. They rather feel uncomfortable to try new things. However, there are others who are more adventurous and love to try new things and these people are ready to take risks. They get bored repeating the same thing. .... short sentences are more effective expressing ideas :)

Essays / Help starting my intro and conclusion to research paper on performance enhancing drug [4]



... I think this gives a good entrance to your paper because correlation between performance drugs and sports is very strong. You can start your introduction with this idea and it should be followed by a brief introduction about performance drugs.

Then move on to body paragraphs by expanding the points in each para. In the conclusion you can sum up everything and state your findings/ opinion about performance drugs.

Writing Feedback / Discuss the question of death penalty in general- IETLS [7]


Yep.... you are right. "Settlement" is generally used in situations where money is involved. But it is also used to mean settling other things too. For example, you can say;

In settlement of our disputes, he agreed to allow me to use his car.
In this case I used it thinking it would give a creative interpretation :P ... but seems it confuses people :D

Writing Feedback / 'bigger market'; Live in small town or live in a big city? ; IELTS [7]

I understand what you mean, but it is better that you follow the right structure for this task and keep your writing aligned with your topic always. In the introduction, first introduce your topic ( generally it is this argument and therefore you need to tell the reader about both sides of it). Then state your opinion. That sounds more neat and tidy :D

More than everything, your writing should not go out of topic and you need to align everything you write with your topic.
You can write well. Pay more attention to your structure. Make sure your essay carries Introduction, 2 body paras (at least), Conclusion. :)

Writing Feedback / Internet is turning the world into a global village [5]


Thus,Therefore some people claim that the Internet is turning the world into a global village where everybody will have the same way of thinking and behavingbehavior.


.... This is not incorrect and following is what I suggest;
However, I can only partly agree with this opinion.


.... contact each other/ interact with each other

Writing Feedback / What are the main threats to public health? [2]

First, it's good to include your prompt in the post. I guess your prompt is what the subject mentions.


This introduction sounds a bit abruptive. You can expand on these ideas and come up with an excellent introduction. Also you should introduce your topic to the reader in the introduction. It is not done properly. You have not mentioned about public health at all. It is important that you align your writing with the topic.

Nowadays, people suffer with various kinds of diseases that deprive them of leading a happy healthy life. Therefore it is important to take care of public health that paves the way for a happy and contented society. However, the public health today faces several threats.

Writing Feedback / Event Management work experience essay/ Skills I have developed and learned [2]


On my first day in work placement, I attended the meeting which briefed us about the upcoming event that I too would be involved with.


At this meeting, I was introduced to the other staff members and they were informed about my job profile and the general tasks that I am assigned to.


I took down meeting minutes (refer Appendix mmmm).


This was the last formal meeting that was convened for the purpose of discussing the plans and actions that had already taken place regarding this festival.

I feel you need to pay attention to the order of ideas. I feel they are not logically arranged well.

Undergraduate / I could create art as a form of employment; SOP/SCAD graphic design BA [4]


... this is my suggestion;
I am born with creative talents.


The point of realization came when I discovered that I could make use of my creative talents by choosing art as my profession and that there are many schools dedicated to the study of art.

Very creative introduction. This is how I like a SOP to be :)

Writing Feedback / The Traffic Jam In Egypt; Rubbish and Traffic issues [3]


... this is a confusing line... what do you mean?


You would see this happening irrespective of the time of the day.


There are many culprits who create this problem.


.... this is again a bit confusing because government directly does not refer to people. It is the people who throw rubbish on roads and authorities just ignore.

Writing Feedback / 'bigger market'; Live in small town or live in a big city? ; IELTS [7]


human has to make / humans have to make


... this slightly deviates from your topic. It does not say that people prefer living in big cities over small towns. What it says is that some love to live in cities while some prefer small towns. It is important that you always go with your topic keeping a proper alignment. If you interpret your topic differently, then you would be in trouble.


... this is a fine reason and very good example. The last sentence is a repetition of the same idea again. Avoid repetition.
However, as you already mentioned this is too short and you need to have a minimum word count requirement. Also, your essay should contain two body paras and this has got only one.

Writing Feedback / Fathers influence BOYs and Mothers influence GIRLs ; IELTS [3]


...."affect" is not the most appropriate word here. As per your topic, the ideal word to use here is "influence"... you can even use the word "shape".


.... this sentence is too long and does not flow logically. There are repetition of ideas too.... Restrict one idea to one sentence and that would help you to have a smooth flow of ideas without being carried away.

Some people believe that fathers have more influence on boys while mothers influence girls more. However, others view this differently and believe that there is no such phenomenon that exists in real life


... this is irrelevant and does not contribute any valuable idea to your topic. Always stay aligned with the topic.

Writing Feedback / I love and admire my parents ; Essay on MYSELF [11]

... yes you are right. It should be - " When I was a child" or "During/In my childhood"... childhood always refers to the time period one spends as a child.


... this is another essay and as per forum rules, you need to open a new thread for this. This one would be removed from this thread. Post this thread under "Undergraduate essays" . I will certainly help you with this, but you need to have a fresh thread for this :)

Writing Feedback / Discuss the question of death penalty in general- IETLS [7]


... this sounds a bit confusing dear. Is this what you wanted to say;
Therefore I strongly oppose to having death penalty implemented.


It is the highest action that a legal system could perform in order to punish criminals who have committed crimes.


However, imposing the death penalty is like that one would exchange his own life in settlement of the offense he /she made.

Undergraduate / It is hard to find good loyal people this day and age in society;1000words on loyalty [3]


There is enough more evidence that speaks of declining trend of peoples' loyalty today


.... I think you need to improve this line to present your idea better.
However, still the majority people perceive loyalty is a very good quality of a person. Further. a loyal person is often trusted and well respected by others.


At the work place, loyalty is highly regarded and certainly it serves the employees to enhance their career and better there prospects.