Writing Feedback / Entrance essay: describe a person who has had an influence in you. [2]

Greetings!

I disagree--I think you're a very good writer! Sure, there are a few grammatical errors, which I'll correct for you, but the essence of good writing is to tell the story well, and you know how to do that (whether you realize it, or not!).

I really admire my mother as she has to work every day and still take care of the three mischievous boys in my family- my father, my elder brother and me. [I loved that part!]

My mother is an extraordinary woman and the things she does for the family are almost unimaginable.

For the past 20 years, no matter whether rain or shine, my parents have had to wake up at 3:00 every morning when most people are still comfortably asleep. [It's redundant to say say "3 a.m. every morning" because "a.m." tells us it's morning.] They have a humble food stall in a hawker centre where they sell 'Chui Kueh' -- a traditional Chinese rice cake.

After a hard day toiling at the stall, my dad will rest while my mother still has to do housework and make sure there is dinner for us. She hardly has time for herself and it is only at night, after she has done the dishes, that she will indulge herself in the latest Korean dramas on T.V.

It is the sheer willpower and self-sacrificing that my mother demonstrates every day that not only inspires in me the strength to overcome everyday obstacles, but also leaves me with invaluable life lessons. - This is a good demonstration that "every day" means every single day, and "everyday" means something commonplace or ordinary.

I can never thank my mother enough for what she has given me; I owe my strength to my mother.

Good job! Best of luck in your studies!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Research Papers / Alcoholism - would it be a good topic for a research paper? [9]

Greetings!

Yes, I think that would be an excellent choice! My reasons for saying so are that 1) Much has been written about it and many studies have been done; 2) There are several different ways you could approach the topic: its effect on families (a sociological perspective); the causes, effects and treatment of alcoholism (a medical perspective); 3) If you are to write a thesis which takes a strong position, you could discuss a controversial aspect of treatment, such as judges ordering convicted drunk drivers into 12-Step programs, which have a quasi-religious basis.

I hope this helps to give you some ideas!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / MEDIA hinders our view of world; UNCW [2]

Greetings!

I think you've written a good essay! I have just a few editing suggestions:

I feel nervous and suspicious of everyone around me, even though my best friend is African American.

Another example: when I visited France last summer,

where Michael Moore asks a reporter if he would rather report on the pollution in Los Angeles or a shooting.

I'm curious--what part of France were you visiting? I can't imagine people being that trusting in Paris or Marseilles, where there is significant crime--or have I just been listening to the wrong media sources? :-))

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / The Great Gatsby - help with my grammar and essay organization [21]

Greetings!

You've been working very hard and are improving it each time. As for the part in bold, I think I prefer the quotation you used originally. Here are some other editing notes:

through two completely distinguished perspectives during the twentieth century. - Look up the word "distinguished." I think you actually meant "distinct."

It becomes [omit "the"] obvious that the American Dream is no longer about the pursuit of happiness

However, his participation in arranging Gatsby and Daisy to meet up is considerably, "corrupted," due to Daisy being married, which implies he may lack "morals". - I'm not sure why you put these terms in quotation marks. You are not using them in a way which is different from their normal meaning, nor does it seem to be sarcasm, so you don't need to.

he forms a passionate relationship with Jordan, making his character too romantic. - Did you mean "making his character also a romantic one"? Or is he actually too romantic for his own good?

Daisy's and Gatsby's reunion, Gatsby's glamorous party, confrontation between Tom and Gatsby, the death of Myrtle, and the death of Gatsby, as well as Daisy abandoning Gatsby's love at the end, can all be perceived as being "exciting, romantic and glamorous," or "disgusting, crude and corrupted." Lastly, the East Egg is demonstrated as conservative and graceful, whereas the West Egg represents moral decay and social cynicism, yet equally, the East Egg and the West Egg depict glamour, romance and excitement, as well as corruption, disgust and crudeness. - There must be some other way you could say this, rather than using the same terms over and over. See if you can find some synonyms with an online thesaurus.

his prime motivation behind his acquisition of immense wealth through criminal activity

Even though Gatsby may have a used besmirched scheme to reach prosperity, his prime motivation behind his acquisition of immense through criminal activity, was to acquire a prosperous lifestyle to impress Daisy, so he could be triumphant in gaining her love back, which can be witnessed by him having a party to astound Daisy, but he becomes disturbed when he suggests she had an unpleasant time - This sentence is too long and rather repetitive of things you've said elsewhere.

Affluent men like Tom Buchanan preached, "Civilization is going to pieces" (18). "The idea is if we don't look out the white race will be- will be utterly submerged. It's all scientific stuff; it's been proved" (17). Not only was Tom physically and emotionally abusive to Daisy and Myrtle, but he too obtained prejudices towards other races, since be believed in white supremacy: It's up to us, who are the dominant race [whites], to watch out or these other races will have control of things" - There's no need to say what is essentially the same thing three different ways. Let the quotes speak for themselves.

'Angry... half in love... tremendously sorry. I turned away.' (pg.169). Nick may have been indecisive about his love with Jordan, but really being "angry," "half in love" and tremendously sorry, are all traits of real passion. - Again, you are repeating. Show your understanding of the idea behind the quotation by paraphrasing or using new terms to describe it: "Nick may have been indecisive about his love for Jordan, but the traits he demonstrates are ones of real passion."

You still have quite a few typos. For instance "Gatsby's tries"; go through it very carefully to find them all.

Best of luck in your studies!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Poetry / Contrast poem and pictures in the collage [10]

Greetings!

If those were the only instructions given, "write a contrast poem," then you've got a wide-open field to play in! Anything can have two sides to it--you just have to look for them. This assignment, for example:

Searching for words that do not come
Anxiety creeps in, blackness surrounds my thoughts
Thinking, grasping, typing, deleting
A chore that mocks me as it beckons
Yet tempts with possibilities
As words begin to flow
Washing away the clouds of despair
An idea germinates, grows
And blooms

There are examples above, too, where the contrast relates all to one word in a string of descriptors. Play around with it and see what you come up with!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / SHORT ESSAY DESCRIBE A "PLACE" OBJECTIVELY AND SUBJECTIVELY [2]

Greetings!

Another good essay! Here are some editing suggestions:

this is a place whose mission is to empower - Although we don't normally think of using "who" or "whose" with objects, in this case it's preferable to "that's" which sounds awkward.

to allow your art to speak through your mind and the hand with which you created it.

Like a second home to many, you are able to connect with almost everyone and find yourself at ease. - It isn't you who is the second home; say "Like a second home to many, this place allows you to connect..."

consuming arrow shooting knowledge - This metaphor doesn't really work; see if you can find a better descriptor for "knowledge."

Best of luck in your studies!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / Visual arts/New York City, Reputation,Opportunities;PRATT Institute - Bio/ Why Pratt? [2]

Greetings!

You've written a very good essay! I have just a few suggestions for you:

free-spirit - when used as an adjective, free-spirited, it's hyphenated, but when a noun, as you have it, there's no hyphen: free spirit.

I have a strong work ethic-developed both by persevering through various, challenging, life experiences while growing up in the inner-city and also as a volunteer, working to make a positive difference in my community. - If you say "both by" you need to balance it with "and by" rather than "and also as." I think a comma would be better here than the em-dash after work ethic.

By pursuing my education at an established, highly-regarded institution like Pratt, will expand my imagination with new possibilities, build a strong network of friends and faculty, plus increase my professional opportunities. - As you can see, you need to eliminate "By" and start the sentence with "Pursuing."

Best of luck in your studies!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / Ohio state application, Consider your talents and strengths... [2]

Greetings!

This is an excellent first draft! I have just a few editing suggestions:

a soccer game I played for my county when I was [delete aged] 16.

almost excited faces full of anticipation. Instead, I saw determination and focus, and almost nervousness - Equivocating and qualifying can weaken your writing. I'd omit both 'almost'.

the entire season's endeavour had come down to the next 90 minutes.

chartered accountants where I could complete a year-long internship.

that I did not meet certain 'criterion' - Unless there was only one criterion you didn't meet, it should be plural: 'criteria'.

Good job!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / This essay is about my hometown, Hanoi. [4]

You're very welcome! Just keep working at it and you will definitely improve! Practice both reading and writing in English every day. You have a lot of time between now and October, so work hard, but don't worry!

And absolutely, call me Sarah! :-))

Best of luck in your studies!

Sarah

Scholarship / 'a job as a construction manager' - career goal essay for scholarships [2]

Greetings!

I think you've written a good essay! I made some changes for you; see what you think:

After doing some research, I felt that now, while I am younger, and probably for the next 15 years or so, operating the physically demanding heavy equipment would be fine, but as I age, I would rather be in the management area of construction. I have therefore decided to obtain a degree in Construction Management (BCM).

With the instruction and experience I will obtain from Penn College, I feel that I will be able to achieve a successful career in this area of expertise. My goals are to be able to plan and organize construction sites, prepare bid documents, contracts, and proposals. Another goal I hope to attain is to supervise safe job sites and possess the interpersonal skills and ethics to provide the leadership needed in the management field.

Best of luck in your studies!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / This essay is about my hometown, Hanoi. [4]

Greetings!

What a beautiful essay! You really are very talented at description. :-)) I think the tone of the piece is wonderful. I'll just give you a few editing tips to make the English a little smoother. And no, it does not make Hanoi sound chaotic--a little exotic, perhaps, to a Westerner, but very inviting, as well!

A few women balancing shoulder poles skilfully like the artists working in the circus
Things do not look so much like they did on that day,

Motor-bicyclers rush in the streets from every direction, making me feel like thousands of arrows are aiming at me, flying from their bows [just a suggestion ;-)].

Everyone has a helmet on, not the big, heavy motorbike helmets but the kind that professional bicyclers usually wear, making the streets colourful, as if filled with the small, round M&Ms that the kids always love. Students in white shirts and blue pants ride bicycles in four or five rows; every attempt they make to chat with each other fails completely as their merry voices fade under the roar of the vehicles in the street.

I used to stop at the street peddlers and indulge myself with some barbecue after school on a bitterly cold day. I used to stare at the glowing embers of the fire, observing the smoke fly away and gradually fade to nothingness. [another suggestion ;-)]

Many new buildings have been taking the place of some old blocks of houses built twenty years ago, yet many features of Hanoi remain true and modest.

Very good work!

Thanks!

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Essays / Essay: describe a time when you hate to go to work [5]

Greetings!

I like your additions! They just need a little bit of smoothing to make the English sound more natural:

No punishment will be inflicted on me, because I am just a volunteer.

Images of my colleagues flash across my mind.

Why should they care so much for me, when I am simply a volunteer?

I dare not picture my colleagues looking at the clock every ten minutes,

The purpose of the work experience program is to be in control, no matter what; - This struck me as a little odd; I don't think that's probably the real purpose of the program. Maybe you could find a less rigid way to put this, like "The purpose of the work program is to teach responsibility."

I hope this helps!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / Essay about myself, what is unique about me and what made who I am (ideas) [18]

Greetings!

Well, thank you! I'll see if I can find some ways to stretch it.

Between these two sentences, you could add detail: I have been exploring music ever since my sister started taking piano lessons. [maybe relate an incident when you were listening to your sister play, and were carried away by the beautiful sounds?] This affected me so much that I insisted to my parents that I also wanted to learn piano.

Since many people are unfamiliar with the erhu, you could describe it in more detail, and particularly how it differs from the Western stringed instruments. How is it tuned? Can you play intricate melodies with just two strings? Is it higher pitched or lower than a violin? Are there such things as erhu solos, or is it just an accompanying instrument?

You could also talk more about your interest in electrical and electronic engineering. How did you become interested in this field? What do you hope to do with your degree (besides just having a "challenging career")?

I hope this helps!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / Tale - Part 2 (jobeless in a foreign land) [13]

Greetings, Rajiv!

This is definitely my favorite of all your works so far! You have managed to capture a tone that is intensely personal, yet also, in a sense, objectively detached, observing phenomena that are not created so much as just experienced. Two lines in particular stood out to me:

You move out with the bunch, find the path leading back, and reach home slightly disheveled inside, wondering what happened exactly. - I loved "slightly disheveled inside"! That's a feeling we can all relate to, but would have a hard time putting a name to, as you did.

Often, just being able to articulate well puts one at a disadvantage. - This I could definitely relate to, being an educated woman living in a rural Southern state. Is "dumbing down" to fit in shameful self-betrayal or wily self-preservation?

Anyone who has had to recreate himself due to the vicissitudes of life will relate very well with your story. The answer to your question "Why should a tale of someone's life, or even just a period of it, be of any interest to others?" is, for me, that the interest of the life lies not in the facts of the tale, but in the telling of it. You told it well. :-)

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / My grandma & my journey as a pianist; Important person [3]

Greetings!

You have written a very good essay! Sometimes the tense does change and I've made corrections to show this, as well as some other suggestions:

Whenever she frowned, it always meant the same thing:

While it's not technically incorrect as you have it, I think the phrase would sound better as "more thrilling than sitting on a cold, hard piano seat monotonously moving my fingers from white to black, and black to white."

It turned out that her friend's 17-year-old granddaughter was having a performance that afternoon

My grandmother brought me there,

When lessons became tedious and songs were more challenging than I had expected, my grandmother would always be there, continuously pushing me forward and reminding me of our trip to Carnegie Hall.

promising me that if I did, I would one day be able to play beautiful melodies

Good work!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / School Locker Check Persuasive Essay [2]

Greetings!

For a high school freshman, you are a very good writer! I have just a few editing suggestions for you:

As everyone knows, drugs induce immense physical damage and, when overdosed, drugs can lead to death.

If the school is safe, students will not be frightened or stressed.

School is a place to learn, not a place to bring malicious substances, electronics and etc. - Saying "and etc." is actually redundant, because "et" means "and." It's best to avoid using etc. in formal writing anyway, as it can be seen as lacking specificity. It might be best just to end this sentence with "malicious substances." You weren't talking about electronics, so it's a bit off point.

Locker checks should be made mandatory and done frequently because they assure security in schools, make students healthy,

Good job!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Essays / Essay: describe a time when you hate to go to work [5]

Greetings!

I am happy to give you some feedback on your very fine essay! :-)

The alarm bell is deafening. I raise my hand to hit the alarm clock and cover my face with my thick blanket again. But something is still drumming by my ears, so annoying that no matter how you try to close your eyes, you cannot continue to sleep. - You did an excellent job of pulling the reader into your story by giving it a sense of immediacy--then, you suddenly yanked it away by switching to second person. Keep it in first person: "no matter how I try to close my eyes, I cannot continue to sleep."

Although it's less jarring in the next part, I'd keep it in first person as well: "It is the kind of rain that hides the neighbouring block of houses from view; the kind of inescapable December rain that makes me want to crawl back into bed, where the blanket has not lost all its heat, and pretend that the alarm clock is five minutes early. This is the perfect weather to stay at home, roll in a thick blanket and pretend that it is heaven."

Which means [delete ,] I have to go to work.

which, as my mother always says, is a good means to wake up on such a sleepy day.

woolen clothing

it is only volunteer work, what's the point of going there on such a day? [omit ;] Or maybe I could go later, when the rain subsides?

The streets are empty, except for a few brown umbrellas scattered along the lonely road.

No punishment will be taken upon me, simply because I am just a volunteer.

What poor excuse am I leaning on?

the whole purpose of the work experience program,

I raise my hand, open the big pink umbrella, and walk out of my house. - Earlier in the essay you were making your way to the front gate; this makes it sound like you were already outside. Did you mean the front door?

The best way to "show, don't tell" with regard to your colleagues is to give an example. Can you relate a brief incident where one of your colleagues helped you out "profusely"? You could say something like, "I find myself thinking back to the time that [colleague] stayed an extra hour, showing me how to ..."

Your hard work is paying off! Keep it up!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / Essay about myself, what is unique about me and what made who I am (ideas) [18]

Greetings!

I'm happy to help with some editing--you have a great start here!

It took nineteen years to create who I am today. Within these years, I have been given the freedom to explore the world in order to satisfy my curiosity toward all the strange and wonderful things in the world around me.

I grew up in a healthy family. I had an elder sister and a younger brother and this made my childhood days more colorful. My parents both had stable careers and this provided us with more opportunities to learn what we desired to. I remember when I was a young boy; my parents bought us a piano. I have been exploring music ever since my sister started taking piano lessons. This affected me so much that I insisted to my parents that I also wanted to learn piano. So I started my musical journey and continue it to this day. I finally completed my grade eight piano with a merit. After all the hardship I went through, success was finally shown in my result.

I did not end my music after I went to secondary school. There, I joined the Chinese Orchestra Society. My purpose in joining this society was to learn more about my own traditional culture's music. I took a position in strings and my musical instrument is named "erhu". It is a traditional Chinese musical instrument similar to the violin. Instead of having 4 strings, an erhu only has two strings which can also produce beautiful musical notes as a violin does. I absolutely love the erhu and I have discovered that with the my background in piano, I am learning with tremendous speed. My teacher said that I am bestowed with talent and asked me to keep up the good work. My diligence paid off as I was upgraded from being a member of the orchestra to a concert master. I am very proud that I am able to take up the responsibility for the orchestra. This also proved that I can lead.

Besides having flying colors in my activity, I also do well in my studies. I applied for science stream in my secondary school and I am now pursuing a degree for electrical and electronic engineering under the American transfer program. After I complete my degree, I will have the opportunity to obtain a stable and challenging career.

I know that the road ahead will not be easy for me, but I cannot stop here. I need to move on in order to reach my goals. My success in the future lies in my own hands.

Although it may appear that I made a lot of corrections, some of the changes I made are really just optional ones, to make the writing show off your accomplishments to best advantage.

Best of luck in your studies!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Essays / How do you write a personal response essay? [8]

Greetings!

In a personal response essay, you will be discussing your reaction to the author's work, mainly in terms of how his expression of ideas creates an emotional and intellectual response in you. Look at how he wrote his essay. Did he make soothing or harsh word choices? Did he employ a lot of metaphor? If so, were they effective metaphors? He uses a lot of very active descriptors: "the blooming, darting, singing world." Does this give you more of a sense of immediacy, of being there? Were you able to visualize the world he was describing, and, if so, how did it make you feel?

I hope this helps!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / Essay about myself, what is unique about me and what made who I am (ideas) [18]

You're welcome! And please do not worry about others' essays being "better"; we have students at all levels who post here. The important thing is to learn from our mistakes--and we ALL make mistakes! :-)

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / A report on an organism [2]

Greetings!

I think your essay contains a lot of good information! I'm a little unclear as to what sentence is supposed to be the thesis; I don't really see a clear thesis statement. You could start off by saying what you say at the end: that they are interesting organisms which are harmless to humans and other mammals. Here are some other editing suggestions:

Acheta domesticus is known as the "house cricket". They are possibly native to southwestern Asia. However, in the 18th century house crickets could be found in Canada, the eastern United States, southern California and northern Europe. The reason for their distribution to other parts of the world is caused by human beings. - You need to explain this attribution; how did humans cause this?

House crickets are approximately 2cm in size, including their 1.5cm oval body and 0.5cm thin antennae. They are yellowish-brown in colour with a black or dark brown pattern displaying on their head and thorax. Moreover, they have black compound eyes on the sides of their head.

The nymphs look like adults when they are hatched, but they do not have wings and genital organs yet. House crickets are found outdoors, in places such as pastures, meadows and shores.

but they are active and amaze at everything in warm temperature. - It should be "amazed" but I'm not sure that's an appropriate word to describe a cricket; it would be difficult to tell whether a cricket was amazed by something. :-)

For light intensity, house crickets are strongly attracted to light, but they are mostly active during the night time. - Rather than saying things like "For light intensity" it would be better to use a stronger lead-in like "Light intensity also affects the activity level of house crickets."

Some of the predators for crickets are - Better would be "Crickets' predators include..." or "Predators of crickets include..."

There are many insects that are similar to house crickets' lifestyle; therefore, there must be competition for house crickets. - This is a little confusing. For one thing, "lifestyle" is not really an appropriate word for an insect. Also, "there must be competition" can be interpreted as having more than one meaning. You have really already said this in the foregoing sentences, so you could eliminate this one.

Good job!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / Essay about myself, what is unique about me and what made who I am (ideas) [18]

Greetings!

The important thing is to just start writing! You might want to start by making a list of your unique qualities, and some events in your life that you feel have formed you into the person you are now. Once you have a list in front of you, the task of beginning writing won't seem so daunting. Don't worry about vocabulary and grammar at this point; just think of it as a rough draft. Then you can post your draft here and we'll be happy to help you with "tweaking" it into a polished version.

I'll look forward to reading it!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / Gas is on the Rise - opinion essay [2]

Greetings!

You make some good points in your essay, but I think it lacks a bit of focus. It needs a stronger thesis statement, and the thesis needs to be in the first paragraph. Also, the tone of your essay is more like a chatty conversation than a piece of formal writing. Sentences like "Now if you're like most of us you are probably complaining to, and know exactly what I am talking about and feel my pain." are not really appropriate. (And you meant "too" rather than "to.") Avoid contractions like "you're" in formal writing. Although it can be very effective to start an essay with an anecdote or story, as you do here, you need to limit it to a paragraph at most and then get into the main point of your essay.

Here are some other editing suggestions, although you may want to rewrite some of this:

As I started up the car I realized I forgot to get gas last night. I knew now at this point I was going to be late no matter what.- You have quite a few run-on sentences, where you should have a period rather than a comma.

As I pulled into the gas station my face lit up with the utter most joy, the price of gas had gone up again. - It's "utmost joy" but really, you should avoid this type of sarcasm.

As I started the pump, I gazed at the machine as the numbers kept rolling up, as I closed my eyes trying to remember those good old days when it only took twenty dollars to fill up my tank. As I heard the quiet click and glanced at the total my mouth dropped, as I read the numbers, I soon realized there was nothing like the good olds days. - Two run-on sentences in a row. Try reading it aloud, and do not take a breath unless there is a period; you may be able to find them more easily.

What once was twenty dollars was now forty, as my stomach turned I reached into my purse to pay the cashier, thinking this better last until my next paycheck. - Run-on; put a period after forty.

Or ask a friend to borrow some money and never hear the end of that.

Alright now you are all probably thinking those all sound so great. Gee, now I wonder which one I will ever choose. - This sarcasm does not add to your essay. Just because it is an opinion essay does not mean that you cannot include factual data. Some supporting facts about energy consumption will get you a much better grade than sarcasm.

Just take my school for instance: we probably had 300 or more students that drove to school every day.

I just happened to be in that boat. My parents would say having a part-time job would bring me responsibility and respect for people. (Run-on)

When I would complain many of my friends did not feel my pain because their parents would foot the bill. What disgusted me the most was when they would take this for granted; they weren't appreciating what their parents were doing for them. - This run-on sentence can use a semicolon rather than a period.

I now find myself focusing on the gas prices more than the prices at the mall.

Since the gas prices have reached for the sky, I find myself thinking about other means of transportation whether that means pedaling my way around or walking whenever possible.

like the tire pressure is right

Nowadays, it always seems like the gas prices keep soaring up little by little. - This is rather contradictory. "Soaring" implies they zoom upward, while "little by little" makes it sound slow.

My suggestion would be that you keep working on it, and make it more fact-based and less informal.

Best of luck in your studies!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / Practice essay on Innovation; Start up Companies flourish on change in the business [2]

Greetings!

I think you've written a very good essay! You do a good job of answering the question. I have just a few editing tips for you:

It is within the nature of entrepreneurial enterprises that they are often the agents of innovation and change.

through a much faster route than those in large organisations which await budgetary authorisation to take action through the hierarchical structure.

The unusual business model that small firms operate on forms the basis for short cycles of firm growth and product introduction therefore enables rapid realisation of changes and adaptation of existing technology or service ideas. - This sentence is a little hard to follow; I think it may be a run-on sentence, unless you did mean to say "product introduction therefore enables rapid realisation of changes". Even so, it would be better to cut it down a bit.

Small firms prosper through continuously re-positioning their competitive advantage

Established firms often deal with a large number of projects

As the previous arguments illustrate, there is usually more resistance within the established firms against entrepreneurial innovation due to the incompatibility of business models within entrepreneurial mechanisms.

A number of more forward-thinking firms have successfully developed effective practices

many firms are introducing improvement activities to tackle specific problems with concentrated efforts from a team of employees.

and providing support from all associative functions

established firms do exhibit stronger resistance to change and innovation compared to the entrepreneurial firms due to a combination of organisational and strategic reasons.

Great job!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / In Love within the Law [2]

Greetings!

Another excellent essay! This is an aspect of ADR I had not previously considered--very interesting!

Some editing suggestions for you:

Comprehension can be achieved thanks to the development of skills aimed at expanding one's knowledge of people with different worldviews.

the most proper transcription of messages from one individual to another.

Consequently, legal professionals who are adept at learning foreign cultures' worldviews in addition to clarifying situations thanks to questioning and active listening

which can allow them to create common ground for subsequent actions.

As a consequence, they are equipped to anticipate or adjust their own verbal and non-verbal communication to their interlocutors whatever their cultural backgrounds may be.

The recognition of interlocutors' distinctive cultural characteristics permits to enhance the motivation to be mindful when encountering people with various cultural backgrounds and, thus, the impetus to acknowledge the interlocutors' aspirations and suggestions - Besides not being quite grammatical, this is unnecessarily wordy. See if you can simplify it a bit.

may be capable of adapting their communication so as to, on the one hand, explain to their middle-class American clients, who want to adopt a baby, the Chinese legal procedure in plain language

meeting their clients' expectations as regards avant-garde Alternative Dispute Resolution solutions that abide by family law in addition to respecting individuals' emotional rights, such as couple's communication counselling and parenting plan mediation.

Great work!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Graduate / Need help "cleaning" my Speech Language Pathology Grad Admission Essay [3]

Greetings!

I'm happy to offer some suggestions on your excellent essay!

Mr. Sanges, an English teacher, always sat silent and unsmiling, which I had a difficult time interpreting. (You could also say "silently and unsmilingly," but they need to match.)

Although I was entering college with the intention of becoming a television broadcaster, my ultimate goal was to reach others through the gift of communication.

Special Education teacher through a regional teachers' corps, Teach In Virginia.

I am anxious and excited - "anxious" implies anxiety; perhaps "eager" would be better?

Best of luck in your studies!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / Slides 26 -> 30 - Timeline violence and intimate/family relationships [2]

Greetings!

Toward the end, you switched back again to past tense. Some other tips:

26) ... Religious morale was questioned on the face of the potential abortive means that could be employed for controlling the world population in addition to enhancing women's status.

28) ... Whatever their gender, domestically violent people were deprived of their constitutional right to own, carry, and utilize arms.

30) ... Computer programs permit integration of macro, micro, meso, and exosystemic levels into cross-sectional and longitudinal studies.

Excellent work!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / Timeline violence and intimate/family relationships - slides 1 -> 25 [2]

Greetings!

I'm happy to offer some editing tips for your excellent essay! One thing to note: at #11, you switched from past tense to present tense; it would be better to stick with the same tense throughout. Some other suggestions:

3) ... given that control over water supplies and arable land were primordial to survive and expand. - Better might be "to survival and expansion."

4) ... take care of their family and children in addition to being supervised by a man in their activities outside their dwelling.
new opportunities in the economic, scholarly, and artistic spheres.

6) ... Husbands' patriarchal authority

7) Catholicism in Western Europe declared that revealed truths of the Christian religion set out in the Bible were not only authoritative but also soundly supported by reasons independent of faith.

8) God's command was that wife is to submit to her husband and please him.

12) ... psychoanalysis claims that women display a masochistic need to experience violence,

20) ... Subsequently, an increase in abusers and victims' material resources could help them to escape from domestic violence.

25) ... This law not only subsidized agencies and services but also legal remedies for victims of violence in addition to enhancing criminal justice and legal justice people's awareness to these crimes. - This sounds like it might be missing some words...?

Fascinating reading--good job!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / My first appearance on Stage; Significant Experience [2]

Greetings!

I think you have the basis for a very good essay! You'll want to be sure to proofread it carefully and run it through a spell-checker before you submit it. Here are a few editing suggestions:

Furthermore, in order to get on stage again, I enrolled in the same Mister contest the following year. [delete "where unfortunatelly I have only placed third the year before,"; this is confusing. If you are talking about what happened in the first contest, put this information about the first contest above when you were discussing that] but this time as one of the organizers.

the ability to order lines and actions in logical ways,

I have learnt how to psychologicaly overcome and solve problems in day-to-day life.

Best of luck in your sturdies!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / Essay: Why going to school [3]

Greetings!

Here are some editing suggestions for you:

Since we were youngsters , we were told to wake up every morning and prepare ourselves for school. At that time, we did it without interest or enthusiasm; on the contrary, we did it involuntarily. All children are likely to say that going to school is an extremely boring duty since they do not really understand the reason why should they study.

There are several reasons why people should attend school. In my opinion, the first reason is about the need for knowledge. Mankind has been ruling this world for thousands of years and after the revolution of science in 1760s our technology has been progressing very quickly. A lot of careers have been presented to us since then, too, and the man who can apply for the occupation must have enough knowledge in order to suit the job he intends to do. So young people need to go to school before they turn themselves into a working man or woman. If they do not study in high school or university, their chances of getting a job will certainly vanish. Knowledge is a must for every career.

they are also able to inculcate in children norms and patterns of living in society.

This shows that schools play a remarkably important role in making children successful adults.

While children are studying in schools involuntarily, some adults decide to go to school arbitrarily. [If it is something they have always wanted to do, it is not really arbitrary.] Grownups who make up their minds to study interesting subjects in school are usually determined and dreamy [Not sure what you meant by "dreamy" but it is not the right word here.] since they want to study something which they formerly wanted to but they could not accomplish at that time. For example, a lawyer longing to be a dancer since he was a child may go to the dancing school every other evening after working hard all day. These people are ,in my view, admirable due to their intention to learn what they have been desiring for decades.

Children are not told to go to schooljust because they are kids, but because going to school will help them shoulder the responsibilities of adulthood. Knowledge and societal awareness is necessary for all of us. We would not have come this far if we had not transferred knowledge and useful data from generation to generation. Consequently, school is the place where our civilization begins.

Best of luck in your studies!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Book Reports / The problematic and the title in the The Grapes of Wrath [19]

Greetings!

Yes, I put "to" in bold because you had omitted it, and "true" in bold because you had started it with a capital "T". I think the statement would be clearer if you said "analysis of the depiction in Steinbeck's novel, The Grapes of Wrath, of the loyalty and commitment of the characters to one another in establishing true kinship." Subtle changes in wording can change the meaning, though; make sure this is what you meant, if you use it.

I hope this helps!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Graduate / I don't want to compromise on the quality of my education;SOP/ Petroleum Engineering) [9]

Greetings!

Your statement of purpose is designed to tell the school to which you are applying why you want to attend, what your interests are, and what you plan to do with your degree once you attain it. Think about what your reasons are for continuing your education and what particular areas of study you wish to focus on; include this in your statement. I would suggest that you write it in your own words and then post it here so that I can help you with some editing.

I look forward to reading it!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Grammar, Usage / The growing trend of conservatism - thesis statement proof read [2]

Greetings!

I think you have the basis for a good thesis statement here, but it might need just a little tweaking. It sounds to me as if I've come in in the middle of a conversation. When you say "this growing trend" it sounds as if you are referring to something you have previously been discussing. If this is not the first sentence of your essay, then it may be all right; I'd have to see it in context. If you planned for this to be the first sentence, I'd make it the second, and have a first sentence something like "Over the past three decades, conservatism, in politics and social mores, has been gaining strength once again across the U.S."

I hope this helps!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Book Reports / Hamlet essay of madness ("antic" disposition) [2]

Greetings!

I think you've done an exellent job! It seems to me that your analysis is good, and well-supported with examples from the play. I have only a few editing suggestions:

Nevertheless, Hamlet could have [delete had] been mad before he puts an antic disposition.

and distances himself from it with the assumption that the "disease" is dangerous.

Nevertheless, the complication of the character and the modern audience's way of thinking altogether hinders truly knowing if Hamlet is mad.

Good work!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Essays / Relevancy of schools and schooling - Argumentative essay [2]

Greetings!

My first thought upon reading that quotation was "Says who?" If schools don't teach anything, then we should not let doctors treat us if we become ill. That would mean the person on the other end of the scalpel doesn't know any more about removing an appendix than the patient! I think perhaps the main point here is that the view expressed in the quotation is a gross exaggeration. There are complaints from many quarters that schools, especially in the U.S., teach too much by rote memorization and not enough through discovery; however, that's a long way from saying that schools "don't really teach anything."

Interesting subject! :-)

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Essays / Business Law Assignment help... [10]

Greetings!

I think you've done a good job of answering the question. The one thing I might question is your sources. Online sites like FindLaw are not really considered authoritative sources. You would do better to rely on black-letter law from cases or treatises. Of course, your instructor may have given you instructions I'm not aware of.

Best of luck in your studies!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Book Reports / The problematic and the title in the The Grapes of Wrath [19]

Greetings!

I think you've got a very good start on it! The words are all appropriate except perhaps here: analysis of steinbeck's novel depiction of the loyalty and commitment of characters to one another to establish true kinship - If you say "Steinbeck's novel depiction" then you are saying that the way he depicted it was "novel," that is, new. I think perhaps you meant "the depiction in Steinbeck's novel..."

Best of luck in your studies!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / Mother;Fortitude,Perseverance,Altuistic soul, Kind Hearted (important person) [2]

Greetings!

You've written a great essay! It's true that the grammar is not perfect, but I think your essay is very effective and full of heart. While I can't correct every error, here are some to help you out:

It was just 3 a.m. and the sky was still in the darkness of an extremely cold winter evening in the severe highlands. The wind blew fast, making the dark sky become more dangerous and violent, but my mother was ready to set out again. Hardly did anyone know that where a female was going in such that weather. - This last sentence does not really make sense; you could eliminate it and be just fine.

Although in her 40s,

there were only winds blowing faster and faster towards my mother's sunburnt face.

an altruistic soul

the kind of person who always demonstrated great zeal for helping the less fortunate without requiring anything in return and great willingness to help everyone's misery though she did not have much. My mother taught me more than any one else, not only inspired me the strength to overcome hardships in my life, but also left me with invaluable life lessons.

My mother's life is a succession of obstacles and sorrows. Growing up in a poor family, my mother had to work very hard to earn her living since an early age.

I felt despair when all my efforts went to nowhere; six months with hard working and overnight learning left me nothing but failure and shame.

Best of luck in your studies!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / Comparing slavery in the American and Russian serfdom [2]

Greetings!

You've written a very good essay! I have just a few editing tips for you:

Although Russian serfdom and the American slave trade were not geographically connected,

Both could be sold, bought, or gambled away. (I think that's what you meant.)

Even though differences remain, - This sentence makes it sound as if serfdom and slavery are still common.

Good work!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com

Book Reports / The problematic and the title in the The Grapes of Wrath [19]

Greetings!

My suggestion would be that you sit down with your dissertation adviser to discuss how to handle this. It sounds as if you are asking me to specifically define your dissertation thesis for you, and I don't feel that would be an appropriate thing for me to do, as you will be having to spend several months researching and writing your dissertation, and need to be comfortable with the direction you have chosen. Simply writing that the Grapes of Wrath contains the theme of the saving power of the family and friendship is not going to be in-depth enough, but I don't know your background, or why you picked this topic, or what type of degree this is for, or what previous dissertations have been written on the topic before, or any of the myriad other things I would need to know to advise you what, specifically, your dissertation should be about. I think you need to discuss this with someone in your major's department, an adviser, if you have one.

Best of luck in your studies!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com