Writing Feedback / Population aged 65 over in 3 different countries(1940-2040);IELTS1-Graphs [2]


Well, when you explain about the graph features you can use present tense. For example;
The graph illustrates/ the trends show .... etc.


.... this is perfect :)
When you refer to what happened during that time period, you can use past tense.


.... this is correct.... So you are in the right track :)
However, this is my suggestion for this line;
In summary, it can be observed that the proportions of this aging population has kept increasing over this period of hundred years. .... Passive voice comes in great help in this type of writing. That helps you avoid the tense confusions :D .... I generally favor active voice in other essay writings because that gives a more direct and clear approach to express ideas, but for this task, I'd use passive voice as much as I can :)

Undergraduate / Hi, I am from Nepal. Do you know your national game? - common app essay [5]


Sure.... glad to help you because I read your full essay and I must say that it's a great essay. Very meaningful and authentic. You display really good writing skills too. :) .... Only I wish if you had posted the prompt for us give a more relevant feed back to you. Make sure you post the prompt together with your essay in future posts you make :)


This was the only line I found that does not stand up the smooth interesting flow you display through out your essay. This is my suggestion, but you can have your own re-phrased one if this is not the real idea you wanted to present;

This led to my stereotype approach; Do concentrate on studies and not give a try on sports.


.... This is very interesting... You know I'm from Sri Lanka and we play the same game and we call it "Gudu". And we use "Danda", meaning the two sticks you explain to play this game. I think the closest English term for this is "tip-catch" :D ... I too loved playing this game when I was small and it's a lovely game.


....said how his perception about us changed from "good" behaved girls to "bad" when he found us playing such an inferior game like "Dandi-biyo"; He referred to it as a game not played by the girls come from good backgrounds.




... Awesome writing.
I admire your spirit... Yes, our countries need people to stand by their national heritage and protect these good features for the benefit of future generations.

Good Luck!

Writing Feedback / 'Plan is required' - Students are encouraged to work or travel before university [8]


..."return" would sound better in place of "come back"


... "fail to" instead of "could not"


... Awesome; very good, I love this type of sentences rather than writing stereotype sentences " In this essay I am going to analyse ..." :D

Also, I wish you had the key work "drawbacks" .... You can have more rhyming key words like - merits and demerits/ advantages & disadvantages/ pros and cons/ positives and negatives/ pluses & minus etc. etc. :D .... It's nice to have rhyming words :)


.... explore new things.

I like your writing style. You write very well too... :)

Writing Feedback / Marriage Partners: similar or not? [5]

Thanks for now :) There's no need to post in this topic - this is for testing purposes only :)

Undergraduate / Explaining three years gap after high school: Common app additional information essay [7]


Awesome.... very interesting style of writing :)


while still managing the top place in my class.


all girls' school


... how about;
may be this is what every woman's wish


... I prefer the word "depressing" to degrading :)


This is excellent writing and you have well presented your case. You talk through your heart and therefore it sounds very genuine. I'm a woman too though I have never lived in such conservative environments. So I salute to your bravery for standing up to what you want in life.

GOOD LUCK sis !

Writing Feedback / Less stress, more harmony; is it better to live in small towns or big cities? [6]


Hi abcdefgh :D
Well, I think you better open your own thread under this topic to have responses because it is not very fair by riyak - this is riyak's thread :)

Any way, let me highlight some grammar errors for you;


one of my dreams/ one of my choices - you are pulling out one from many, so it need to be in plural form :)


This environment is usually less polluted.
Try simple and easy sentences. Also try to use direct speech :)

Writing Feedback / (IELTS) factors affecting job satisfaction in adulthood [3]


... punctuaton :)


money which affects


... well, convenient is not the most appropriate word, I fear :( Also "compensation" is a very effective key word for this idea;
a fair compensation system/ a proper compensation system/ a satisfactory compensation scheme


... a proper compensation scheme at work place is crucial in improving job satisfaction level of its employees.

You display good writing skills and you also follow a good essay structure. With practice you can improve even better :)

Writing Feedback / IELTS-should universities accept equal number of both genders ? [5]


accepted by every major university


... I guess " view"/ thinking/ opinion are better words for this idea
Good Introduction :)


why do you say environmental education? .... you better specify the meaning because it sounds vague :(


students will have more chance/ students will be able to have more chances


.... since there are only two genders, better use the word "other"

Writing Feedback / Cleaning is the most important job in my city [8]


I understand you are preparing for a speaking task.
Generally this is the structure I used to follow;
Express my choice - I think cleaning up the city is the most important job.
Tell my first reason why I choose that option; The first reason why I think it is important is that cleanliness is the most important thing to keep good hygienic conditions.

Tell one example to support this reason; Suppose the garbage in the city is not collected properly. The whole city would be in a mess and people would soon fall sick.

If you have time, tell them a second reason
2nd reason; Also, if we dont keep our city clean, it would affect the local tourism very badly.
Example; because the tourist would be scared of touring in highly polluted cities.

:) that's the structure, I recommend for you too :)

Writing Feedback / IELTS: university students live their families while others live away from home [3]


... this is a good point, but I wish you present this idea a bit differently because when you say "outstation" it generally refers to locations within a country. However, in universities you find students who have traveled from far away countries too.

The students who do not live in the locality of the university, especially the international students, have no option but to find an accommodation close by to the university.

Writing Feedback / Some welcome change while others are not. Which way is better? [4]


It is quite clear that everything around us keep changing every moment and day.


...This keeps happening. So keep it in present tense.
More and more people recognize that change is inevitable and it is a part and parcel of life.


"believed" is in past tense and that is wrong because you hold this view now too. So leave it in present tense. Also this idea you need to present in a more convincing manner;

I believe that people should welcome change when it is necessary for life while staying unchanged in circumstances where it is not healthy.

Writing Feedback / IELTS 2 - teach children at home or at schools [6]


...whereas others assume parents are primarily responsible for this task.


You can say this idea in a more simple tone and that would be much more interesting. The most important thing in essay writing is clarity of your ideas and how creatively they are presented.

My suggestion;
In my opinion, both family and school should play important roles in educating children. Therefore this is a shared responsibility of parents and school.

Grammar, Usage / Droping out of highschool [PERSUASIVE ESAAY] [3]


... I prefer "words" obtain or "receive" to "get"


However, some teens rush to begin their adult life sooner drop out from schools for this purpose.


.... rather than saying your idea has not changed, tell what your advice is. It sounds vague here. Is it that you want them to continue attending school? You need to be specific about this advice :)


.... don't repeat same parts of other sentences.

Writing Feedback / INTERNET has been bringing us many benefit compared to negative affects [3]


Note; It affects negatively/ It has negative effects
My suggestion;
During last two decades, the Internet has brought us many benefits compared to its negative effects.


... this sounds redundant as you have already said the same idea in your previous sentence. Avoid repeating ideas.

Writing Feedback / Old and good friends are a treasure, we should spend our time with them rather than new ones [7]


Include this sentence in your introduction. Also, I prefer if you introduced the topic prior to expressing your view. The reason is that it's better to present your answer as an essay, and not as a direct answer to the prompt above.


.... very good point :)
strong points or strengths.


.... spend time, and not times
We spend more time with them / I still remember the good times we had in college (here it refers to more than one instances)

Writing Feedback / IELTS shopping is replaced by other leisure activities ,it is positive or negative [4]

In today's globalized world , shopping is has been popped up as a regular activity dramatically and it is impossible to deny the necessity of the people's need.


This is confusing and your idea doesn't flow properly. I think you need to rearrange its order. Also I feel you have two different ideas here;

Advertising plays an important role in promoting this activity.
Shopping is also an important economic activity

Writing Feedback / Contrast advantages and disadvantages of three different media; books, radio and TV [3]


.... I suggest the word "divers" in place of "various"


.... I find "in this article" is inappropriate. What you are given with is a prompt or a question.
I wish to contrast three types of media such as books, radios and TV in terms of their advantages and disadvantages.


.... this is a bit confusing. You better re-write this sentence.

Writing Feedback / IELTS writings - Reasons for Obesity and solutions to it [10]


OMG .... Extremely sorry... I'm terrible with my eyesight. I have missed it and got it wrong. Extremely sorry about my error. :(

Obesity has been disturbing many people for a long time and it is becoming an alarming threat to many nations today.


... good point :)
stress causes / stress and nervousness cause
Sorry again for my previous comment :(

Undergraduate / PERFORMING ARTS; UT transfer essay: statement of purpose [2]

First I have a small request for you. When you make posts regarding undergraduate applications or studies, post them under "undergraduate essays". The other thing is, have your essay look more appealing and don't just copy and past. This advice is meant for you to get more comments for your essay. Generally people who give comments to others' essays, search essays in the respective forums and give attention to nice and tidy ones. :D


.... pay attention to punctuation :)
Since entering the fourth grade, theater and film have been my greatest interest. However, it was not until college, I could begin to take it seriously as a viable profession. ... nice :)

Writing Feedback / ( IELTS essay) Stay in hostel or at home during university studies? [4]


Here,"no longer children " is fine, but "no longer mature adults" is wrong because they haven't yet become mature adults. So there is a technical error here :D However, I like the way you started, it is a meaningful sentence :)

To begin with, university students are adolescents who are no more children but not yet adults either.


... this is a recurrent event , so keep it in present tense.
Good intro. You show lots of creativeness in your writing. :)

Writing Feedback / IELTS writings - Reasons for Obesity and solutions to it [10]


I really appreciate / I am really appreciating .... so in here you should say;
I really appreciate if you can read this essay and give me some suggestions! :)


"distribute" is an inappropriate word to use for this idea. "distribute" in some cases mean "spreading way" (e.g. He distributed gifts among children) but it's not a term used for talking about diseases, sicknesses or any health conditions. See following examples for using the word distribute;

He distributes news papers (meaning - delivery)
Government distributed dry rations to the people affected by famine (meaning - divide among)

Obesity has been a growing concern for the people for a long time that impose a great threat to their health.

Graduate / Motivation Letter for Erasmus Mundus Joint Doctorate in Distributed Computing [2]

Hi Alan,


... This is fine, but I wish if you had mentioned something about how your passion developed in this area(very briefly) for them to know. That would also add creativity into your writing.


I wish if you changed the organization to improve clarity because I couldn't grasp the idea with my first reading the line. Also capitalize "distributed systems"

I wish to acquire an in-depth knowledge on Distributed Systems, the area that I am most interested in Computer Science.

Writing Feedback / IELTS 2: Shopping as a hobby. Why? Good or Bad! [4]


Good suggestion :) & lots of good advice from Jenny : )


"trend" is a good key word that goes with this theme. Also, it is better to express your opinion right here rather than a statement like this. That would set your examiner follow you in your desired direction. :)

I personally believe that shopping as a hobby is not a positive trend for the following reasons;


This trend is largely attributed to the role played by media, especially with their heavy advertising.

Writing Feedback / (IELTS ESSAY) success in life based on hardwork or luck? [2]


Avoid more complicated sentence structures. They make the reader tired. You should have nice key words, but sentence should sound easy to comprehend.
However, I do assert that one's success relies on many factors that include both hardwork and luck.


... very good sentence :) the word "play" goes better with "role"


Ahmad's point is very valid. You need to be more specific about how hardwork would make a person famous or well-off. Give an example; tell about some famous person and how hard he worked towards his goal.

You need to back your reasons with specific examples. It is expected by this task and you would earn marks by doing that :)

Writing Feedback / IELTS T-2: Write Pros and Cons of crime prevention in society, give your opinion [10]


So, in your first body para, you have the reason. ie, good and evil are part and parcel of human society . Then you go on expanding the same reason into more and more detail, but we do not find any specific example (I meanspecific) that you have used to support this reason. Here , this specific example can be something like;

For example, I read an article in the news paper about a man killing his wife because she committed adultery. This person never had any criminal background in the past and he was provoked to commit this crime by her misconduct.

Have your examples to sound more specific and don't leave them at general status :D
This practice would certainly earn you marks :)

Writing Feedback / Friendship issue: Money is not always harmful [5]


Sorry... it caught my eyes only today while I was attending to topics of old threads :D
Sometimes the threads go just unnoticed when there are so many unanswered threads are there :)
So you deserve a few more comments:

... I'm going to re-write this with some key words;
Secondly, people who borrow money may be unable to repay. These people sometimes do not have chances to explain their difficulties; they may have borrowed money to meet some family emergency or may be they have lost the job. Even there are very valid reasons for the borrowers inability to pay on time, it may put the lender in a very uncomfortable and problematic situation. Therefore when the borrower and lender are two good friends, this type of situations invariably strain their relationship.

:D

Later is better than never :P

Writing Feedback / ( IELTS essay) prevention of crimes makes no difference [4]

Ahmad has done great editing as always :)


This introduction is pretty good, of course with Ahmad's suggestions too. You have avoided high tech jargon here :P


... this is a strong sentence. Very good!


All these causes are unable to wiped off from society completely

Essays / A brief essay about myself - how to start and end it. [10]

Great advice by Pahan. Yes, jod down main points as he suggests. Then expand them to include your emotions, experiences, memories, feelings etc.etc.
Now that you've got loads of great advice. So .... do your first draft and post it here. You would have comments from our members to further improve and polish it... Now it's in your hands :)

Good luck with writing :)

Writing Feedback / Friendship issue: Money is not always harmful [5]


Since there are two sides for this argument, you better have room for the other belief too;
Many believe that a friendship could be damaged or broken when money is involved.


.... I guess "ego" is a better word here :)


.. a great point.... very smart :)
They will probably think that they did a great favor to the borrower and make him feel inferior.



I will exploit that situation and demand my friend to help with my assignment.
hey.... that could not have been a true friendship anyway :D ...LOL

Undergraduate / Bangladesh/ Energy consumptoin; U Toronto Engineering - EXTRA CURRICULAR Experiences [4]

Actually, your first para fails to establish any link with the rest of your essay. You need to insert one or two lines to bridge those ideas with your interests, and why you want to study engineering and specially in Toronto. Once you do that, those ideas would add value to your answer.


but I also discovered my interests, dreams and goals

Undergraduate / Advanced NURSING practice skills ; How graduate studies help achieve career goals [2]


... I wish if you brought the focus onto you;
I firmly believe that setting goals is a very important step in the pursuit of my aspirations.


Graduate studies will equip me with the knowledge and skills I require to diagnose, motivate, manage the situations in my assigned tasks while providing leadership to them.


My short term career goal is to obtain a masters degree and become a nurse practitioner handling emergency cases.In the long run I wish to move to an office setting where I can contribute to my field with my long experience and knowledge.

Letters / What was important to me? ; UC Davis re-admission letter [6]

Ok... then you've got time :D ... Many instances when I try to help, they have already finished submission and I'm too late :(


Prior to my dismissal, I had a wrong set of priorities that kept affecting my education negatively. I focused more on things that did not really benefit my educational pursuit. (I kept the reasons away, because I felt that you don't have to be that descriptive) I believe this was due to my unpreparedness and lack of will for learning at that time. Therefore I did not use my potential at all to improve my poor grades and did not realize the major difference between college and high school where the grade used to come by easily.

Graduate / Photography/Private space/Independent self directed; MFA SOP [2]



Okkkkkkkk... then tell them something that caught your photographic eye irresistibly in the Appalachian wilderness. Then build on your growing passion for photography. :) Since you are to speak about your interests, you cannot avoid talking about your interest in photography. :) However, it's always good to show your creative talents in writing because the admission committee should remember your application among so many others. :)

Good Luck!

Graduate / "Ready to Go" ; Speech Language Pathology personal statement [3]


"Ready to go" in English.... I feel this way is better


about resistance to the Tonton Macounte


... her & his , a bit confusing :(


You have beautifully presented the advent of your love for speech-language pathology.... Good job and I enjoyed reading it :)
I think this is "ready to go" :D .... Good luck with your application :)

Undergraduate / History & My Engineer father; U of T Material Engineering- Why Eng? [3]


Hey.... no one who joins Essay Forum is stupid ....LOL
Anyway, going through what you wrote, I don't think you are stupid at all :D


This sounds like a direct answer for a question, "what was the first time that you felt wanting to become an engineer?"
So, I suggest you to say this through an experience that may sound more interesting and creative. Start with some story that relates to engineering and tell how you got inspired by it. That's enough :)

Graduate / Parkinson's disease; Speech Pathology SOP [2]

I heard these statements


I gave him that impression


I heard these dialogues on a regular basis in my early years in corporate America.


These issues reflected an important need in the workplace that eventually persuaded my career transformation from a human resources manager to a speech language pathologist.

Scholarship / My future profession "teacher of languages;Motivation letter/ Erasmus Mundus /Masters [3]

Sorry.... I hope I'm not too late :(

"The mediocre teacher tells. The good teacher explains. The superior teacher demonstrates. The great teacher inspires". This quotation by William Arthur Ward, provided me with a great insight into my dream career, a professor of languages of English and German. So I am inspired to follow a masters degree program in xxxxxx, in hope of inspiring many other lives in future.


During my undergraduate studies, I managed to secure GPA of 3.84 which is a quite high level. I also participated in several conferences and workshops such as "Language at University", "Methods of teaching foreign language". ( I dont understand what you mean by "in the circle of Universities of the city Astana")


I won the second place in the competition "LINGUA" in 2011 that took place in Eurasian National University.


Do you really have to talk about IELTS score here? I dont understand clearly the other part too ....
If you have enough time left, you can explain that to me so that I can help you :)
Sorry about my delay in helping :(

Undergraduate / Software Engineer with a Multinational ; SOP-MS Computer Science (Database Systems) [2]


... the saying is "the only permanent thing in life is change"
or you can just start with the saying;
"The only permanent thing in life is change". This perfectly holds true to the world of Computer Science where novel ideas become obsolete in no time.


... I find it difficult to understand your idea here. You better specify what entices you.... it sounds vague here :(

Undergraduate / "A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step" essay for Hillsdale College [5]


Well.... I was misguided as I read this quote (and you claiming that it inspired you) that you have mistaken chosen a quote for this discussion instead of event, novel or experience. So I feel you better not start with this quote. It kinda distracts the reader.


I guess this is a better starting point :)

Writing Feedback / IELTS T-2: Write Pros and Cons of crime prevention in society, give your opinion [10]

Good introduction.


Hence anger, revenge and suspicion are part and parcel of human nature that can not be completely eradicated.

You write well... only thing I noticed was that you have not supported your reasons with specific examples in your body paras. It is a requirement of this task ans you may loose marks on that.