Undergraduate / PEOPLE CHANGES THEIR JOB AND PLACE REGULARLY DUE TO CAREER. DISCUSS [6]

And if you keep making those sorts of comments, you will soon find your account suspended, so you should cease and desist immediately.

Writing Feedback / Cbest Essay - Person Most Instrumental in Shaping Your Life [6]

Not bad. You need to polish your grammar a bit.


Yikes! He's a ghost! One being described using incorrectly conjugated verbs. The very worst type of ghost.


Pay attention to simple subject-verb agreement.


And to tense consistency. Either he is the only professor who does that, or he was the only one who did so.

Undergraduate / "The future / Community service" - U of I Short essays [6]

Your first essay sounds like you threw it together with a view to showing that you read newspapers. I don't think it actually was, mind you. I suspect that it's just a stylistic problem. If you are passionate about economics, write in a way that demonstrates that passion. Stronger verbs and more concise sentences would be a good start, in that regard.

Your second essay likewise needs to use stronger verbs, more concise writing, and varied sentence structures. Also, when you say things such as


I immediately assume that I have been or am about to be lied to, probably both. Avoid using such tags in your writing.

Graduate / 'in different capacities' - AMCAS Essay [5]

Go through your essay and make sure you are saying throughout what you really mean to say. At the moment, your phrasing often means that you are saying things you don't really mean, which is annoying. For instance:


I'm curious, why did your curiosity grow up going to Cook County Hospital? How does curiosity grow up? How did it move around to get to the hospital? Why would it go there at all? These seem like odd things for curiosity to do. They seem more like people things . . .


So no one who lives in an urban area can afford insurance? They all must use clinics? Or did you see first hand how only some people in urban centers are treated?


I know what you mean, but no. You are equivocating here, using "privileged" in two different senses. At least, that's what I assume. Otherwise you are making no sense at all. The overall sentiment is the sort of thing that you want, you just need to alter the phrasing a bit.

Undergraduate / This will lead to my success at UCF - need some help [3]

Use narrative anecdotes. Recount stories about your experiences that show what you currently only tell.

Essays / SUPERHERO STORY - Superhero adventure for the English lesson [6]

Or, you can start by asking yourself what you think a hero really is, and create a character that meets those criteria. You might also play with the notion of how heroism is often a matter of perspective. For instance, "Superman: Red Son" re-imagined how the Superman narrative might have gone if his ship had crashed into a Soviet collective and he had been raised there instead of on a Kansas farm. Imagine a hero who believes very strongly in Objectivism, or strict Christian morality, or one of the more extreme versions of Islam, etc. Assuming the same good will and a dedication to doing what the hero believes is right that are the staples of comic book heroes, how might your hero act? What causes might they champion? What compromises might they be willing to make to achieve their ends?

Writing Feedback / A meal is not only the original resource for daily energy and health but also the spirit feast [14]

Your logic in the first paragraph is a bit odd. It is true that using a microwave does not usually add to the nutritional content of the food. However, neither does using an oven or stove-top. The method of cooking can make some foods slightly healthier or worse for us. Microwaved bacon, for instance, is much healthier than fried bacon, whereas vegetables cooked on the stove are a bit healthier than those that have been microwaved. However, in most cases,


So, it adds to convenience without affecting the nutritional content, and this you say is a bad thing?

Your logic in the second paragraph likewise needs strengthening. I believe you mean to criticize the additives found in many canned and frozen foods. That would be a great point to make. However, why you should object to cooks using stock, which is very useful as a base for gravies, sauces, and soups, is beyond me.

And the third paragraph, same sort of problem. No denying that fast food is bad for you, but to say that people don't enjoy such foods is just foolish. Fast food is popular precisely because it tastes so good. Something to do with humans having evolved to be innately addicted to fat and sugar, as I recall.

Undergraduate / 'Some may call it a passion' - FSU essay vires [7]

Well, your grammar is solid and your style is okay, so if you tried a different topic, putting a bit more time into it, you could probably come up with something quite good. Be warned, though. This topic has come up so often on this site that you are likely to face harsher criticism than normal, if only because everyone is getting so sick of reading about Vires, Artes, and Mores. Other admission essay topics keep cropping up to, but for some reason this one seems to result in many particularly dull, badly written essays.

Undergraduate / 'She did not stop me then' / 'Harry Potter' - Uchicago extended essays [6]


I think its more a case of Harry Potter fatigue. I've read all of the books, and seen all but the latest movie, but I just couldn't muster the interest to go see the newest one. It's been going on too long, now. Also, while the books were interesting enough, I never thought they were so well-written as to deserve the ridiculous level of attention they got. It was nice to see so many kids discovering the pleasures of reading, but still, anything that over-hyped inevitably ends up being shelved at some point. Think about movies like Titanic. When that came out, people were raving about it, some going to see it over 14 times while it was still in theaters (many of whom will now deny ever having liked the film). But even many of those who admit to liking it back then don't really want to watch it again, ever. Same sort of thing with the Lord of the Rings movies, for that matter. I loved them, still own all of the extended editions, but I can't bring myself to actually commit the time needed to watch them again.

Undergraduate / UC prompt 1 - how Scouting has shaped who I am today [5]

If you want to include some reflection on the importance of Scouting, you could do so after opening with a narrative anecdote. Once you have captured the reader's interest, you can make some of the points in the section Liebe suggested you delete without losing it, if you make those points as concisely as possible.

Undergraduate / 'Some may call it a passion' - FSU essay vires [7]

The topic you have chosen seems a bit shallow. The essay itself isn't particularly badly written, but a bruised finger, even one that stayed bruised for a month, doesn't seem to be a topic with the same gravitas that a lot of the essays written by your competitors will have. Perhaps you could brainstorm some alternate topics . . .

Letters / My Job App-- Some Descriptions for my current job and expectations [5]


Revise the above for parallel structure.

"I have mastered the professional skills of export maritime transportation well ." The "well" is redundant. You cannot master something badly. If you have mastered it, you have become very good at it by definition.

Your third paragraph consists of a series of vague generalities. What specifically do you hope to accomplish, and how exactly do you expect working for the company to which you are applying to help you accomplish them?

Writing Feedback / "experience is the best teacher" - Practice essay for CLEP Exam [4]

Your essay is decent, but, as Simone said, a bit shallow. Here are some things you might consider if you wanted to add more depth:

If practical experience is so much better than theoretical training, why do people with college degrees earn so much more, on average, than those without?

What skills/values is higher education meant to teach? Does higher education only ever prepare someone for a specific career, or might in teach skills that are broadly valuable in range of jobs and activities?

You say that "In my own experience, I have learned more in the last five years from different co-workers than I would have learned if I had attended classes." How do you know this? Is there any difference in what was learned, and in the utility of the knowledge?

If, as you claim, the value of higher education relative to work experience depends on career choice, what principles can you identify that allow one to determine which category any given career falls into?

Undergraduate / 'She did not stop me then' / 'Harry Potter' - Uchicago extended essays [6]

Could we have a third option?

Your first option I would definitely not recommend. It shows a disturbing lack of moral growth, as the prime lesson you say you learned from the incident is that you might get caught when doing wrong, and so should be more careful when doing wrong. This is not at all what you want to say to the admissions people, who would be much happier going with an applicant that wishes to avoid doing wrong altogether, or that is at least swift enough to pretend that that is the case.

The second option is okay, I guess. The essay tells me that you like to read for fun, and are mature enough to have outgrown a childish fad, both of which reflect well on you. It's just that the topic seems a bit . . . frivolous, given the other things you might have gone with.

Undergraduate / "I thank God for each one of my blessing" - University of Michigan essay [4]

The loss of your father must have been a painful, deeply emotional experience for you. You could show us this by writing a narrative anecdote or two about the incident and your reaction to it. At the moment, though, you only tell instead of show, and so the reader only really apprehends the emotion logically, rather than emotionally, which is clearly not that great. Also, your instance on using weak verbs, especially forms of "to be," greatly compounds this problem. Start over, only this time, write it more as if you were writing a short story, only one that happens to be true. Your goal should be to make the reader feel as you felt. Given the nature of the incident you are recounting, this might be difficult for you, but it is what you need to do to make the essay competitive.

Essays / I am having trouble differentiating between several terms needed for an essay [5]

When writing many essays, it is a good idea to identify any key terms you will be discussing. So, if you are writing an essay in which you will be discussing, say the role of liberty, justice, security, etc., in a given text, you should talk about what you think those words mean, how other people might use them, how the author of the text seems to use them, etc. This can avoid a great deal of confusion. I have sometimes spent hours arguing with someone only to realize that we actually agree on the issues, and are merely using words to mean different things when discussing them. In other words, what seems to be an important difference in principle turns out to be a wholly semantic affair.

As for the various terms, you are right in noting that they often overlap at least partially. You can look up all the words in wikipedia (/wiki/Index_of_literary_terms) to get a rough idea of how they fit together, and to check your definitions. Better yet, go to the library and get a dictionary of literary terms, and look them up in that.

Writing Feedback / MANY PEOPLE DO BUSINESS AT HOME AND STUDY DUE TO COMPUTER TECHNOLOGY.DISCUSS [3]

Yep, this is an essay, all right. Much like the other essays you have posted here, the content is shallow and lacks supporting examples. This problem is compounded by grammatical errors that make the writing seem even simpler than it has to, though the grammar isn't quite as rough as it has been in some of your earlier writing, which shows some improvement. Still, you need to work on polishing your mastery of grammar a bit more.

Undergraduate / "my time studying physics" - Stanford short essay- intellectual vitality [3]


Without a doubt this sentence is too wordy for an essay with a strict character limit.

You use forms of "to be" an average of once a sentence in your first seven sentences. Stronger verbs are called for.

Tighten up the essay a bit, making it more concise and hinging your sentences on stronger verbs, and you'll have pretty much what you are looking for. The engine design sounds really interesting. Could you describe it fairly briefly, or would it be too complex to get into?

Undergraduate / Univeristy of Texas Essay- Essay E [4]


Why do you mention this topic specifically? It's an important issue, of course, but hopefully you would look at a candidate's stance on a wide range of issues before voting . . .

Also, this essay doesn't say enough about you, which is a distinct weakness in an application essay. Where do you think this political apathy comes from? How do you respond to it? Has it affected you? If so, how? If not, why not? What do you think can/should be done about this? Etc.

Undergraduate / "Use you have put your earnings to" - Short Answer Questions [3]

Given the tight word limit, these responses seem okay, though they give rather more background about your parents than about you, which seems odd for an application essay, even if it does seem as if the prompts actually want you to do this in this case.

Undergraduate / 'Proving to my parents / excitement to the campus' - NCSSM Essays [5]

The whole idea of this site is that the everyone can read and comment on each other's work in a public forum. That way, people can learn from reading one another's essays and the feedback that has been given on them. If you are worried about being able to prove that the essay is your own work, make sure to sign up using your real name, so that anyone who comes to the site can see clearly that the work was yours and learn when you posted it.

Undergraduate / 'high-energy, loud, and crazy / ambicious person' - NCSSM Application [7]

The whole idea of this site is that the everyone can read and comment on each other's work in a public forum. That way, people can learn from reading one another's essays and the feedback that has been given on them. If you are worried about being able to prove that the essay is your own work, make sure to sign up using your real name, so that anyone who comes to the site can see clearly that the work was yours, and learn when you posted it.

Undergraduate / UC prompt 1 - how Scouting has shaped who I am today [5]

Try focusing your essay more narrowly on a single incident associated with your time in the scouts. This would give you a more narrative, hence more interesting essay. Also, follow all of the advice Noto gave you in his post, as it is all excellent and well worth heeding.

Essays / "What I think about growing up" [6]

Start by brainstorming your topic. What are the different ways you could interpret the question? What aspects are there to growing up? Which ones interest you? Why? etc. Then try to identify a common thread that could connect your ideas. This idea will likely become the nucleus of your thesis statement.

Essays / competency goal statement / Professionalism Early Childhood Education [3]

Hmmm . . . maybe its just me, but I'm not quite sure what you want here. Your objectives are generally the things you hope to achieve. This would seem to be the sort of thing you have to come up with on your own. After all, only you know what you hope to accomplish in pursing a career in early childhood education.

Undergraduate / UIUC Essay on extra-curricular work [5]

This essay is fairly mediocre. You are too general and vague.


What were those agendas? How did you research them? What did you learn?


As evidenced by . . .


For example, when you . . .

Undergraduate / Art Institute of Philadelphia acceptance essay [4]

You have not put any spaces between your punctuation marks and the letters that follow them. I do not know why you have not done this, but you will notice that just about every written work of English follows this convention. So should you. Fix the punctuation, then repost.

Essays / The prompt asks - A/D: teachers should be compensated based on how well their students do [9]

Well, what exactly are you confused about. The prompt asks you whether or not you agree that teachers should be compensated based on how well their students do. So, brainstorm reasons why people might think this, and why people might oppose the idea. Decide which set of reasons you think is stronger, then organize them in a logically coherent way. Voila! You have an outline.

Undergraduate / Question on what topic I should write about (math/science applicant) [5]

Simone is right. Pure sensationalism has never sold anything, certainly not to an American audience . . .

Speeches / Does America Still Have Heroes? [28]

An interesting anecdote such as the one Simone recommends is indeed a good way to start this sort of essay. Just make sure you then segue into a more standard introduction in which you define what you mean by heroism, or your essay will meander into generalities and unsupported assumptions fairly quickly.

Speeches / persuasive speech writing on I WILL BE THE RULER [9]

Ah. I was thinking of the representatives as rulers, most likely headed by a single person who can coordinate them the way they coordinate others -- much the way every nation in the world has at present.

Essays / The methods of argumentative essays [9]

If you post the instructions for the essay, and a draft of your work, we might be able to critique your essay as an argumentative piece, but Simone is right -- APA is just a citation style, and has nothing to do with the structure of your essay.

Writing Feedback / If you could change one important thing about your country, what would you change? [4]

What do you mean by a standard school? There are many types of schools with many curricula and many ways of teaching the material that is meant to be covered. I think you should define exactly what you mean by that term.

Writing Feedback / a machine that many people,including myself,are dependent on is.... [5]

Whether or not it is okay enough depends what the instructions were, what grade level you are writing for, how harshly your teacher marks, etc. If you want useful feedback, you are going to have to give us some background about the nature of the assignment, preferably including the full prompt you are responding to.

Writing Feedback / MANY PEOPLE LIKES TO LIVE ON THEIR OWN. DISCUSS SOCIAL EFFECTS [8]


You haven't proven this -- you just assert it. Even people who live on their own may have ongoing issues with their parents, and most people who are married live together (and if they have stopped living together, it is usually a sign of tension, rather than the opposite). People living on their own can also have friends and relatives who will offer them moral support, even if they are not living with those people.

This is one example of what I mean. You make blanket generalizations that are probably wrong, and don't give any evidence that would make the reader think otherwise.

AND WOULD YOU PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF WHATEVER DEITY YOU BELIEVE IN STOP SHOUTING IN EVERY POST! IT'S REALLY, REALLY ANNOYING!

Undergraduate / My essay is about my stream change and its benefits (hospitality management) [6]


So is your second one. Start over, grounding all of your points in very specific examples. What general arts courses are you taking? Why do you think they won't help you? What courses would you rather take? What do you hope to learn from them? Answer these questions in as much detail as you can, and your essay will become much stronger.

Writing Feedback / the problems of balancing school, job and a family. [7]

All you have said is that balancing school, a job, and a family is difficult. You have not said why this is so, or how one might go about accomplishing the task. You might want to do both of those things, if you want a truly robust introduction.

Speeches / Does America Still Have Heroes? [28]

Start by defining what you mean when you use the term "hero." Then, either find examples of Americans who have these characteristics, and show that America still has heroes, or provide examples of Americans whom many consider to be heroes, and show how they lack those characteristics and so are not truly heroic at all.

Book Reports / King Lear Essay - "abuse of power" [5]

Start by asking yourself how the themes relate to one another? Do characters abuse their power out of blindness, for example? If so, the theme of blindness would seem to be at least as important, if not more so, than the theme of abuse of power. Reconciliation, on the other hand, only seems to happen as a result of abuses of power, so you might have a harder time elevating it, though you could probably think of a way to do so after a bit of brainstorming.

Undergraduate / Question on what topic I should write about (math/science applicant) [5]

Well, what do you need this essay to say about you that you haven't already covered in your other application essays? Which of these topics would best allow you to say it? The answers to these questions will determine which topic you pick.

If all three topics work equally well in regards to the above questions, though, go with number 3 -- it will yield an essay far more interesting and original than the others.