Undergraduate / "swimming is so much more than a sport", Common App - 150 words or less answer [9]

No need for the comma after "years"

I like every sentence of this paragraph!

Dissertations / Management / HR - Research topic suggestion - Journals, books, and other materials for PhD [7]

Hello Neha and Maha,

All you need to do is choose a good database. I use Questia.
With questia, you can search for HRM or type this: "human resources" or "human resource management" and thousands of professional articles will appear on your screen.

Your school probably also has a great database associated with the library. The important task is to spend 2 hours each day ENJOYING the articles you find.

:-)

Writing Feedback / TOELF: Thomas Edison - One famous person you would like to meet [7]

His inventions changed the history and affected the way people live nowadays. I would learn lots of things from him, and this would motivate me in my future work as electronic engineer.---- he would learn a lot from you, too! You could tell him about microwaves, computers, and the Internet.

Your English is almost perfect! Congratulations. You are a skilled bilingual person. I think you will have no problem passing the TOEFL.

Please make a list of the corrections people make for your writing, and practice the correct way. Do you have any questions about why certain corrections were made?

Dissertations / ERP, Application Software - suggestions on the topic for phd in software engineering [2]

These are very broad topics. It is important for you to read at least 10 articles that were written in the past 5 years. If you do that, you will see what recent research efforts have been made.

It is too broad to say you will focus on Beta testing or multitasking. Combine a few topics, or write with a focus on a particular kind of software. Most importantly, read some recent articles. If you already have read many recent articles, please describe to me the one that is your favorite.

I want to know what your interests are and what kinds of research designs you are familiar with.

If you just want suggestions for topics, simply google this:
software engineering research topics

Undergraduate / Strong sense of obstinacy best describes me. MIT [9]

A strong sense of curiosity is among the basic elements which make me up.

When I was young, my mind was full of curiosity. I read an article introducing television one day. Whyand wondered why the black box produces moving images.?

I was eager to know the answer,; to everyone surprise, I dissembled a TV at home.

The actors were gonenot to be found .

When I grow up, curiosity turned to be obstinacy. ---- ha ha, you are clever! This is very good. I
Why does the object under it become diminished?

When curiosity goes to extreme, it becomes motivation. ---- nice!!!
I like the ending. I challenge you to look at all the small changes I made and spend 30 minutes practicing. Type each sentence the correct way over and over again, and speak it aloud.

Writing Feedback / IELTS:Giving aid to poorer countries has more negative effects than positive effect [3]

This sentence is awkward:
In this world, there is no one who does not know this world 'globalization', which means the world are more closer, and every single countries affects each other more than before in many ways.

I want to make it simpler:
In this world, there is no one who does not know the word 'globalization' means: the people of the world seem closer to one another, and every single country affects the others more than before in many ways.

Now it is better.


This is a very impressive sentence! I can tell that you are a master of language, someone who is a "verbal thinker," so please practice your verbs by reading good articles aloud and pratcicing different kinds of sentences. You are doing well!

Verb tense: Now that it has become strong economy country aiding poor countries after 10 years of aid from other counties. --- can you find the very small change I made to this sentence?

Also, practice with singular and plural:
You have to say, "Every single country..." or "All countries" but not "Every single countries "

In conclusion, there are above-mentioned three key points of positive effects of aid: supporting poor countries to make their economy strong, building humane concepts in people's minds, and cultivating a strong global economy.

I strongly believe that being a global neighbor by aiding poor countries should be continued by many organizations and volunteers, and it will make the earth a better place to live.

Here is your homework assignment: practice reading each of those sentences I corrected, and read them ALOUD. Also, practice typing them the correct way each time you speak them. Practice each of them 10 times, and your English will improve today! :-) I am excited about your potential.

Writing Feedback / Now and then: the mass movement of people into the cities [11]

I was just looking at this sentence, and I thought I should make a change:
Some people say that because of the bad effects it would be better if urbanization had not happened.
Now the sentence above is perfect. People "say" (in the present verb tense). Also, it "would be" better if...

Now, how about examples? I think you can easily find many examples of good and bad consequences of urbanization. It makes life more interesting, but also more complicated. For example, it makes people able to communicate, advertise, and go from place to place very easily, but it also makes everything easier for people's competition in business, so everything becomes more competitive!

To think of examples, just look at how things were different in the past than they are today....

:-)

Undergraduate / Playing sports, watching scientific documentaries: something you do for the pleasure [3]


This is a great phrase! But I think the sentence is unnecessarily wordy:
Staying balanced seems impossible in this bustling world, but to me it is not.
Above, I think it is more powerful with fewer words.

Although it makes me feel exhausted, when I think about its benefit to health and the rewarding moment when we have cold drinks and chat, I will be am relaxed.

I think your suspicion is correct: You should write about only one activity! So, choose one that really will be entertaining for the reader. The most important thing is to write something that will be interesting to read, so try to say something meaningful or clever about one activity.

I really like your first sentence.

Undergraduate / My sister, Stephanie: College Entrance Essay - Someone who has impacted my life. [3]


Missing a word in this sentence.

How long does the school recommend you make the essay? A page? Two? Use paragraphs. End the first paragraph with an intriguing sentence that conveys the main idea of the whole essay. Can you sum it up in a sentence at the end of the first paragraph?

I think this needs to be longer. Also, the main idea of this seems to be: My sister has always been there for me and taught me important lessons. This is not very interesting. It is too plain.

I don't mean to be critical. You wrote some excellent sentences and you have a nice way of explaining things. But I want you to think of a concept... an INSIGHT. Do you know what I mean? Think of an interesting idea that relates to your sister AND your intentions for the future. Intrigue the reader with a concept that is worth writing an essay about. This is more like something you would write on a greeting card.

I think you can look at what you wrote and take inspiration from it. Write about a great concept that shows how reflective and thoughtful you are. Let's see a new draft that is longer and focused on one great concept! :-)

Undergraduate / Caltech Engineering Essay, my ideas to come to fruition [5]


Ohhh.... very good idea.

I agree with Ershad: cool start.

My engineering mindset was one fostered from an early childhood. Like most people, I began by dismantling old speakers and other devices hoping to find a simple answer to their functionality. However, instead of uncovering a miniature opera singer from the torn apart speaker, a maze of complex wiring and indecipherable parts revealed themselves. --- this sentence is not quite right. It is YOU doing the uncovering, but it is the PARTS revealing themselves. Do this:

However, instead of uncovering a miniature opera singer from the torn apart speaker, I discovered a maze of complex wiring and indecipherable parts.

On August 29th, 2010, my work on my electrostatic hair collector finally sat on the desk of the US Patent Office. --- that is great!! Very impressive...

(I will add more about how Caltech's engineering program will help me.) ---- yes, this is important. Tell them your intentions for the future. It is your potential for future contributions that makes them feel inspired to accept you into the program.

This is great. I think you'll be well-received!!

Writing Feedback / TOEFL--A job with more vacation time is better....& Teachers should show their... [6]


Hmmm... I don't know... if I had a job with 6 weeks of vacation time I could use 4 of those weeks to earn extra money, so I could have the best of both options!

Wow, this is for TOEFL? You already write perfectly! I'll give you a tip about style:
Use a comma to separate the 2 halves of a compound sentence:
Supposing one person takes a job with high salary but less vacation time, his angle of consideration or solution would stay conservative or obsolete, for he is always spending time with the exactly same bunch of fellows, and there is no fresh blood to stimulate exciting inspirations.

the reason I put a comma above is that you could have this as a separate sentence:
There is no fresh blood to stimulate exciting inspirations.
When part of a long sentence could be a separate sentence, separate it with a comma, and that will make your writing more sophisticated.

Contemporarily, people have already hold have freedom of speech, and everybody, including educators and adolescents, is allowed to support distinct political or social views.

I bet $1,000 you will score very high on the TOEFL.

Undergraduate / "I plan to excel in the field of nursing" - My response to the UCLA prompt 1 [14]

'Where I come from has shaped who I am and why I am an ambitious, caring, and joyful person.'
This first sentence seems like it could be a little more efficient...
The world I come from shaped me into an ambitious, caring, and joyful person. --- This is my suggestion, but it is not necessarily better... just an idea.

I was raised in a single family home; my dad was present in my life just not in my house. ---- do you mean single-parent home?

This should be past tense:
Enduring those rough times definitely motivated me to want more for myself.

As for her career, my mom has been working at Kaiser Hospital for over 18 years. ---this is not a good topic sentence to start a paragraph i an essay as short as this one. Google this:

how to write good topic sentences

No need for a semi-colon here...
So when I ventured off to high school, I already had a strong foundation which allowed me to take advanced courses with now trouble.--- I changed it to a comma.

You have an opportunity here to show them how motivated and driven you are. Spend some time at the end of the essay discussing your intentions, your vision for the future. I think you did a great job, though!

Undergraduate / "Strength in Words" - Fsu. My Vires. [4]


This is the essay. Write about these experiences and what you have discovered about your place in life, your purpose.

Do not spend the whole essay listing things that are examples of the qualities. Instead, focus on one or two of the virtues and do not even mention their names more than ones. Don't write "five simple letters," etc... because that does not help. Instead, take one of the virtues as your theme and write about these real experiences.

You are very unique in your particular response to the school you attended and the religion you've learned. Write about YOUR thoughts and YOUR plans for the future.

Remember to start each paragraph with a topics sentence that expresses the idea of the paragraph. So, an essay with 5 paragraphs will have only 3 to 5 ideas... and one main idea, expressed in a thesis sentence at the end of paragraph one.

Do not try to write about all the virtues. Give the reader a memorable experience by expressing your unique ideas, which of course are at the foundation of your education, your career, your life.

Let's see a draft that is really inspired!! Wait a few moments for inspiration to come, and then write with real energy!

:-)

Writing Feedback / SHORT ESSAY Describe your favorite food- Instant-boiled mutton [8]


Excellent description here.

More importantly, you have a very enjoyable writing style. It is pleasant to read these sentences that carry the attention along, engaging the reader and putting images in the eye of the mind.

You don't have any errors that I can see, so I'll give a few minor ideas...
feel the liquid exuding when taking a bite of them .

"hilarious" seems wrong in the sentence where you used it.

...the laughter and chatter of people, together forming a warm jubilant scene, make people feel joy and gain an appreciated appreciative heart for others. Tha t is why most Chinese people, as hospitable and interdependent they are, love this dish.---- excellent ending...

:-) I hope you check out essayforum.com/ef-contributor-page/. Thanks for all your participating here!!!!

Undergraduate / The league of Extraordinary Teenage Leaders, a significant experience, achievement [3]

I can still hear the voices of those who like me had the qualities of leadership inherent in them.---- "inherent in them" is a sort of awkward phrase...

How about this:
I can still hear the voices of those of us who had innate talents for leadership. inherent in them.

Honestly, I do not like the first paragraph. It is very confusing, and it brags that you have leadership qualities... I think you can do better if you start with paragraph 2 and just leave that confusing first paragraph out of the essay.

After the school session came to an end, I started preparing for the conference because I had no idea of the people I was going meet there.--- right here, after this sentence and before ending the paragraph, it will be better if you add a thesis statement that conveys the main idea of the whole essay... it's theme.

What is the theme for this whole essay? Write it in a single sentence at the end of paragraph one.

'1, 2, 3...' they all said. I can still hear the voices of those who like me had the qualities of leadership inherent in them. This is just a glimpse of my prolific yet very rare experience at the Global Youth Leaders Conference.

Soon after being chosen as a prefect of my high school, I was selected among many to attend the Global Youth Leaders Conference which was a twelve day activity. I was very displeased when I got to know that the conference was going to interfere with my summer holiday. After the school session came to an end, I started preparing for the conference because I had no idea of the people I was going meet there. (add a thesis statement here).

Then, begin paragraph 2
After completing the ...

You write very well!! The only other idea I have for you is that you should spend a little more time at the end in that conclusion, reflecting on what the signifiance of this experience is and its implications for your future.

Great job!

Faq, Help / Thanking moderators and everyone who gave me helpful suggestion [28]


Nice!! I hope Ershad and the other great contributors see this, because they will be reminded of the good outcomes to which they contribute when they help people correct errors. I'm happy for you Vaishalli, thanks for all the good examples you set here.

Writing Feedback / the media focuses too much on celebrity.how far do you agree?? a general paper essay [4]

Use a capital letter for the first word of a sentence:
It is one of the most ...

...one of the most lucrative markets wherein all frontiers are transcended, to provide the most significant information to people worldwide. --- this is a well-constructed sentence.

However,nowadays more importance is being given to the world of glamour and fantasy. Celebrities use the media as a way to achieve more fame and make more money.--- good!

Well... to write an essay all you need is one really good idea. What is your good idea about "too much focus on celebrity?" If someone does not get attention from the media, she or he is not a celebrity!! So, a celebrity is by definition someone who gets a lot of attention.

Also, though, the media could focus more on the most important issues. What are the most important issues for the media to cover?

Write a good thesis statement about the ONE BIG IDEA you want to write about.

Then, begin each paragraph with a sentence about a smaller idea that helps to make your argument.

Good luck!!!!!

Writing Feedback / THE CAY, story about one trip in the in Caribbean Sea [8]

The story takes place in small island (Cay ) which is in Caribbean sea near the Venezuela. On this island there is city named Willemstad, where one family lives. It con sists of a son named Phillip and his parents.

Capitalize names, like Philip and Cay.

One day the German ship attacked another island near the Willemstad city, and Phillip's family heard a sound and saw the fire. Then they became afraid and the mother wanted to travel ...

Capitalize the first word of every sentence:
For seven days, no trading movement had been observed in or out of Willemstad because of the German ship attacked every one in the sea. ----- this is a good sentence!

As consequence, the food and water became less scarce.

The wife asked her husband to travel with her son to another state but the hasband husband told her that is more dangerous because one British ship moved away to England, far away across the dark water the Germans attacked it. ---- I don't understand this sentence.

Do not capitalize all letters of a word:
TIMOTHY
Timothy is ...

One sunny day they were on the beach and the weather was very bad, so Timothy told the son...

You still have a lot of mistakes, but the meaning is very clear!! Keep up the good work!!
:-)

Writing Feedback / Grade is an assessment that encourages students to learn more.do you agree? [4]

Here is the way to follow the rule called 'number agreement'
Keep singular with singular and plural with plural:
Grade are assessments of the kind of work a ...
or
A grade is an assessment of the kind of work a...
YOU CHOOSE THE way you like it, but keep it either singular or plural.

Certain demerits of the grade system are that it segregates the students based on their grades. -- this is a good point, but it is written in an awkward way.

One drawback of the grade system is that it segregates the students based on their grades.

Nice job!

Writing Feedback / money either to protect arts or the environment - source of our livelihood [3]


This is a good idea for your argument. I think, though, that it should also include some mention of why protecting the environment is MORE important than protecting the arts. For example, I can add to the thesis statement:

The air we breathe to the food we eat and the water we drink all our basic need of sustenance are fulfilled by the environment, and no art can ever be produced again if we let the planet get gradually destroyed.

This statement at the end of the first paragraph becomes your main argument, and it is memorable to the reader.

To start with any harm to the environment will directly affect the food chain.--- this would be a good topic sentence for a paragraph in an essay that is only about the environment, but your essay is about the environment verses the arts. So I want you to include mention of the arts in each topic sentence if you can:

Any harm to the environment will directly affect the food chain, and this has consequences that are more severe than the consequences of losing art.

Same thing here:
Arts whether visual or performing play a very crucial role in preserving the age old culture, but the environment is crucial for protecting the art and culture of the future.

See what I mean? Write the thesis statement and each topic statement so that they support the main idea and mention both art and environment.

:-)

Writing Feedback / What, in your opinion should be the main function of a university? [2]

HELLO! I moved this essay to a new thread. When you post a new essay, please start a new thread. If you post a new draft of an essay, use the same thread, but for a new essay use a new thread.

:-)

...while others consider the matter of science as an abstract issue which is unrelated to the practical skills needed in professional life. (I think you should add a thesis statement right after this sentence to tell what YOU think, so that the reader will know what position this essay is going to argue.)

In these people's point of view, having an extended amount of information gives the graduates sufficient ...

In support of this idea, statistics show that successful workers are skilled graduates from universities who has have gained a deep insight ...

In conclusion, for the sake of successful industry, universities had better focus on skill-based education rather than knowledge-based one.-----Good! If this is your argument, I think you should make it a thesis statement in the introduction paragraph. Then, mention it again in the conclusion as you did here. Great job!

Writing Feedback / Repaying a kindness ("I have to treasure my parents' effort for funding me") [4]

I was only ten when I first met the old man. I was then in primary 4. It suffices to say you were ten.

As my parents were always busy working, slogging out their guts to earn ---- wow! Well done...

You are a great writer.

Oh, I found a sentence that is all messed up, though:
Ever since the first day I'v I met him, he seemed to be very lonely, too, and that is why every time I visited him I would bring him out for a walk as a way of relieving stress after being ''locked up'' in the folks home. for a period of time.

This made him lose all his...

Practice typing this with the corrections I made, and pay attention to the verb tense.

...informing him that I will would not be around for two years and reminded him to take care of his health during this period. Finally, after 2 years of training ended, the first thing I did was to rush back to the folk's home and visit my friend. However, when I reached the place, the director of the folks home had changed, and my friend had disappeared.

Use a dash to make this a long sentence, because if you do not, the sentences that begin with "Disappointed" and "Relieved" will be incomplete. See what I mean:

I was disappointed but at the same time relieved -- disappointed, as I could not see him anymore, and relieved that his children finally ...

Ten years passed without a word or trace of the old man. I have tried every way that I can to look for him, I even hired a private investigator to look for him, but he just cannot be found anywhere. --- wow!! You are so dedicated! We are lucky to have people like you in the world, and I hope you achieve all your goals!!

I would not want my parents to regret giving birth to me just like what my dearest friend that had just passed away.

This is an incredible story. I think you are a great person, and I hope you continue to participate in EssayForum.

Writing Feedback / Comprehensive Note on ' Flatterers get together,the devil goes for dinner' [4]

You should say "flattery" instead of flattering. Do you know the word "flattery?" It means the act of flattering.

Flattery is a social evil. It has devastating consequences for society. Corruption, nepotism, and favoritism are some byproducts of this evil. The flattered person loses touch with reality when he is surrounded by flatterers, and he starts to work according to their wishes.

You seem to have a lot of wisdom! This is an interesting topic.

Please practice typing the paragraph with the corrections I made. Notice that I took out all those unnecessary capital letters.

You are already doing well. Now follow this procedure:
1. Think of 3 ideas about why flattery is destructive and a way of committing evil acts. Write a sentence about each idea.
2. Turn each of those 3 sentences into a whole paragraph by adding a few sentences after each. Add sentences of examples and explanation.

Do you know what I mean? Each paragraph should be about 1 idea, and that idea should be stated in the first sentence of the paragraph and explained in the rest of the paragraph.

Begin by thinking about the 3 ideas you will express about flattery. Maybe flattery can contribute to evil in 3 different ways.

:-)

Undergraduate / "volunteering in a prominent local hospital," 150 WORDS COMMON APP ESSAY [12]


You know, you might be right! I am not confident when I recommend slashing that detail. I recommended slashing it because the time frame is shown in the next sentence with the coffee bar last summer and the discharge team this summer. Yet, it lends a kind of substance or respectability if that sentence says "For two years" instead of just "I have had the opportunity..." So... I guess I agree with you!

Here is a place with a detail to slash:
During my time here, I gained a great deal of valuable insight into the health profession by developing relationships with doctors, nurses, and patients. More importantly, this experience has given me I developed a heart for the sick and elderly and a stronger sense of responsibility.---- this eliminates a cumbersome phrase and switches from passive to active voice.

Undergraduate / Williams Essay (any environment that is particularly significant to you) [7]

In this sentence you do not need a comma here:
...I know that without my heritage I am nothing.

Let's be more specific here:
I know the South Korea is home.
but can you be even more specific? Perhaps you should say the name of the city.

If you do that, it'll be clearer, because when you say, "Living in America is a completely different experience" it makes me think you were just describing America.

I know that I must give back to the world that gave birth to me, and hopefully...--- you said "that gave birth to me" two sentences in a row in an awkward way.

Okay, can you look at this again and come up with 2 or 3 more meaningful concepts represented by the environment? What is this environment, exactly... a particular part of the city? Be more specific.

This is great, though! I think it can just get better and better...

Undergraduate / "being part-owner of a business" - My UF application essay [3]

This is a brainstorming process, but the essay will take form as you refine these ideas.
You are 20% owner of the school, but this fact takes up 90% of the essay. It is great, but you can do better if you make your role as instructor/part owner 20% of the meaning of the essay so that it leaves room for a greater theme.

For example, you can make a theme out of a particular lesson you learned the hard way, and you can tell how that lesson would be applied by someone entering the field you intend to enter (or completing the major you choose). Talk about being part owner as a means to an end, not as an end in itself. This essay and your application are celebrations of the school and steps into a particular field... so make them central to the meaning. Talk about your intentions for the future.

Try to not repeat "part owner" so many times. I think I see it repeated 6 times. See what I mean? Refer to it once and give a sentence or two of explanation, but then move on. However, keep a central theme... something very interesting.

I am vice president of the marine biology club and treasurer of the Spanish club.--- this is great. It shows that you are not only a martial artist but also that you take leadership roles in other ways.

So... as you revise, concentrate on one very cool theme. Something interesting for the reader. What I think of is "A lesson learned the hard way." But I don't know why that comes to mind for me...

:-)

Graduate / "to give patients the utmost compassion and care" Physician Assistant Statement [9]


This is written an a slightly messed up way. It presents it as though the father was "meeting him for the first time" because he said something "upon meeting him..."

You should write,
Upon meeting me for the first time, a friend's father asked, "So, Briana, what...

Let's work on the thesis statement:
Each of these experiences has developed or enhanced my interest in health care, provided me with goals to keep in mind when I am a practicing Physician Assistant, and challenged me to evaluate why I want to become a Physician Assistant. --- it sounds like the essay is about your experiences, but if you ADD ONE MORE SENTENCE after this one before finishing the intro paragraph, you can make it so that the theme of the essay is your PLAN... not the way experiences have caused you to evaluate and develop your interest, but your real intentions. Your statement.

If you were allowed only one statement (i.e. one sentence) to express yourself to them, what would the sentence be?

I hope to one day be asked again what I do for this world, because--- excellent! This is a great theme.

Writing Feedback / "Parents should never try to be a child's "friend" - Descriptive/Narrative Essay [2]


This is a common idea. Only when you think of a very original, intriguing, or useful idea would you become inspired to write an essay about it. Instead of having this idea be your goal (thesis), I suggest starting with it and giving a discussion of your particular ideas about it. Know what I mean? Everyone already knows this idea, so it is better if you can say something very original about it. So I suggest changing the thesis.

Use a colon here:
...by the child's behavior the mother gave in: "Alright I can always get...


My favorite sentence.

Okay, so I see why you are running out of ideas about what to write. You need to add another dimension to this essay. Go deeper into the question. What does it mean to say the parent should not be a friend? Your examples suggest that it simply means it is better not to be a pushover, but you mean something more than that. Make it your theme to dissect this concept of being a parent rather than a friend. :-)

Undergraduate / "It's just a matter of time and intelligence." - Ethical Dilemma [15]


Yes, that is worse. With a word count, you can have a lot more flexibility. Well, is this within the limit? I think it is good. Still, I can't help thinking it would be better if you found room to include this sentence:

The teacher saw me looking at her, so he thought I was cheating.
It makes me feel like, "Oh, now I am sure I understand this!"

And yes, it is understandable that school will take up much of your time. Come to EF when you can! Do well in school...

Undergraduate / "What makes us fathers and sons" - UF (Meaningful Event) [5]


I just noticed how much I like this sentence. This is a clever one...

"So...y ou're not her biological father."

If "never let on" is not quite right, keep the change you made here. It is a good sentence: After the incident, I pretended...

This is great, and really I think a lot of people will benefit from reading it. Millions of people have some emotional turmoil because of having to learn that a parent is not actually a biological parent. It is nice when a piece of art like this helps them to see that it is a common experience and that it is okay to not be biologically related. We are all dust of the earth, anyway.

Undergraduate / "My dad passed away when i was just 11 years old", an application essay. [17]


Yes, that has been the rule in APA style up until this newest edition of APA. Now it is a little different. In the 2010 edition of the APA manual, the number changed from 20 to 10. So write out the numbers ten and below, and use numerals for 11 and above. If I am mistaken about this, someone please correct me! :-)

Hi Paige, details are often good, but they also can encumber the reader's attention. The most important thing to do is add or take away details with the intention of giving the reader a particular EXPERIENCE.

Here is a typo:
Now that eight years have gona gone by, I have grown older and

Letters / Specialist in Turbomachinery Power Engineering - check my Motivation Letter. [3]

I am a graduate student of XXXX University, City, Country. I have been looking for employment in a company involved in the field of Energy or Aviation due to the fact that it is my specialization. (add a brief sentence that mentions the nature of your training and experience.) I have learnt a lot about Organization before , and this announcement has captures my attention. I would like to express my interest in a full time position as Repair Engineer.

I am specialist in Turbomachinery Power Engineering. My specialization: Aircraft Gas Turbine Engines.--- I think this sentence should be the one added to the first paragraph after "that it is my specialization."

Then, para #2 starts like this:
I am currently searching for an ...

This needs a paragraph that discusses what you know of the company to which you are applying. It is very important to SHOW that you know a lot about the company.

This is very impressive, but add some material about the company and what it is about the company and the open position that make them perfect for you.

Writing Feedback / Now and then: the mass movement of people into the cities [11]


I think this sentence should be a little bit longer so that it can give an idea about why you feel this way. That way, the whole essay will be clearer.

That is how to make the thesis sentence more meaningful.

What abut the topic sentences? The topic sentence is the first sentence of a paragraph. I think your topic sentences should be longer so that they will say something about the main point of the paragraph. For example:

There are many changes that are good because of the urbanization, and they all increase efficiency in ways that improve people's lives.

There is an increasing number of people live in a modern life. ---- this is a mistake people make all the time, and it is not a bad mistake.

Be careful about verb tense:
Before the urbanization, student could not get enough knowledge to bring them to higher education which leaded led to a slower development.

:-)

Undergraduate / 'my promotion in the church' - UC prompt (personal quality, accomplishment,..) [5]

The effort you can give now to make this an excellent essay is to extract from it a clear, meaningful concept that can be like the "soul" of the essay. I often say the thesis statement is the soul of the essay. I am talking about the message that is interesting enough to write an essay about. Whenever you are assigned to write an essay, pretend that you were not given an assignment or prompt but instead were so inspired by an idea that you wanted to write about it. In this case, imagine that you are trying to express in an essay how fortunate you are to have been "nurtured" with a wide variety of activities. What was nurtured? Your confidence was nurtured, I think, and I also think your perspective was cultivated.

With all these activities, you must feel very confident, because you understand the nature of all these things -- language learning, martial arts, the church activity... you really have an impressive number of achievements. So, make a thesis sentence in that first paragraph and have it be a sentence about one big idea: "The confidence and perspective my mom gave me by working so hard to give me various experiences."

Make it so that a certain phrase is repeated near the beginning and also near the end so that it sticks in the reader's mind and she will know exactly how to answer if someone asks, "What was that essay about?"

:-)

Undergraduate / "swimming is so much more than a sport", Common App - 150 words or less answer [9]

Wow, Ershad, good looking out. I just noticed this thread after another one where you acknowledged what a mess I am.

So... yes, it's "knack"... that's what I meant!

Undergraduate / "Christmas time seaon" - UF eassy- how family rough time has shaped me.. [5]

Great use of the word un-merry!

He would never do that to my mom or my brother and me .

The struggle I had experienced while getting over the hurt (no comma necessary here) made me driven to not disappoint anyone; I did not want anyone to experience the pain I had.

This essay is so interesting! I hope the AO reader appreciates it as much as I did. Often, when people do not have a clear theme, I tell them it is important to end the first para with a thesis statement. In this essay, I think that is not so important. I think this essay is just about perfect the way it is. Very interesting and written in a clever way...

Graduate / writing layers of software over Video/Image decoders, SOP for M.S in computer science [7]

Hey, this is very good. About the length... you should find ways to express the same info in fewer words wherever you can. That is always true, though, not just with this essay. Refine it by cutting out the unnecessary stuff.

The intro seems to suggest a theme of using CS for something involving the observation of nature and creating computer programs based on it. Is this something you are very interested in? You like the study of the amazing memory and priority management schemes in Operating Systems." So, you are interested in management and design that relies on computer programs based on processes observed in nature.

So... what do you call the process of following the example of the ants to find efficient systems. Following the natural way is the foundation of Taoism; that is what it makes me think of.

If you want to make this very strong, use these intriguing concepts to give it a theme that stays in it from beginning to end.

:-)

Graduate / Quick Fix: Opening Paragraph, School of Medicine interest [13]

Having had lived in several countries, I have witnessed...
Actually, this is better:
Having had lived in several countries, I am familiar with...

This is really excellent. You probably already know that, though. Some of the sentences have that kind of inspired energy that you must have felt when writing them.

I think you are ready!

Undergraduate / "a twin with my own identity" - UC prompt- world you come from [6]

...realize that she and I are completely different.
Oh.. ha ha, I see that namehere already fixed that...

On the other hand, close friends, those who socialize with me and my sister daily, knew that we were in fact, fraternal twins.--- okay, at the end of this paragraph I am still wondering what the main idea of the essay is going to be... something about looking alike...

Growing up, my sister and I were always together. --- now it is about your relationship.

We each had a life-long aspiration be a nurse, yet our

I decided I had to show myself another possible path, one different from the one my mom had imagined me in.--- now the essay is about going in your own direction.

My experiences as a twin has shaped and reaffirmed my aspiration to become a legal nurse consultant, to concurrently help people in need, making a difference in their lives and also to help attorneys understand medical files so they can legally do what is best for their clients.-----okay, this is good. It is very specific, and it deserves to have a whole essay written about it. This is what I think you should write about.

Oh, but I see that this essay is supposed to be about the world you come from. This is pretty great, then! I was going to say it was too much to write about being a twin and also about your philosophy of medicine, etc... but actually, this is perfect for the prompt. Try to find ways to take out unnecessary words and sentences. In fact, see if you can find details that are not relevant to the main idea, and omit them, too. This essay is very busy and full of detail, which can cloud the main idea. For example, that paragraph of description at the start is not directly relevant. You should probably revise the intro so that it boldly expresses the main idea of the essay.

Undergraduate / "passion and emotion on the basketball court", Common APP Essay! (A hero in disguise) [4]

...in from a different perspective.

Use not a semi-colon but instead a comma or dash, according to your preference:
He went from a decent basketball player to a legendary player, illustrating anything is possible when you put the dedication and effort into your desire, and I took his advice.

What advice? You heeded his example, but I don't see anything about advice...

When I arrived home, I would eat like there was no tomorrow and pla y video games.

Add a sentence to para #2:
Okay, paragraph 2 does not support the thesis. You should add a sentence to that paragraph so that it mentions that you needed an attitude adjustment about school and that it was this basketball player who gave you a good example. At least add a sentence to the end to indicate something about the fact that this poor attitude you used to have was what made it so important for you to see his example.

Add a sentence to the conclusion:
It is amazing that watching his performance can change a person's entire life. --- this is an important par!! Very gooe.
At Binghamton University, I can use my potential to the fullest. Not only would I contribute to the school academically, but also participate in the community. (this part needs some examples to illustrate what you mean. Tell them what it means for you to fulfill your potential. What is your plan for the future? What is the way that his example translates into your success? Add a little to that conclusion so that it is more meaningful and specific.

:-)