Writing Feedback / "Being a Foreigner" - a narrative essay [5]

Hello Amal!

I'll change many sentences in your essay. I hope you have time to read them aloud and also practice typing them. That is the way you can program your brain just like a computer, and you will master the English language.

Your meaning is already very clear! I enjoyed the essay...

The most petrified petrifying event that happened to me was when I went to India, in New Delhi, with my sister and mother.

Who, would have thought that the dinner is going to end up on our plate sooner than we expected? We almost got kidnapped!

You read it right.

We were kidnapped by some Indian man.

The story goes like this: We were at our hotel room in Mumbai, and I was eating and enjoying my vanilla ice cream.

The weather must have been around 90 degrees. Boy, it was hot it. It felt as if I was swimming in my sweat. ---- wow, this is very good description!

Then, my mom's friend called and said she wants to invite us for dinner if it was okay.

It wasn't okay in my book. ---- this is funny, too...

But of course my mother said yes, and the problem was that we had to go to Delhi to see them. Man, I had a bad feeling about going to Delhi.

I told her about the crime rate, weather, and how hot it's going to get in the summer know now that it was May.

We packed our luggage and left for Mumbai.

We arrived in New Delhi the next morning.

I was getting my luggage off when I noticed something.

I notice a man with his wife and kids.

The sweat from my back slowing slowly drenched me like ice cream melting over its cone. ---- you are a very good writer! This is real art. Storytelling is one of the highest arts.

We agreed with them as soon as they open the door and they help us take our luggage down from the old stairs(I don't understand this part...).

Okay, practice typing the sentences with these corrections! Thanks for participating.

Undergraduate / To spend the next two years training to be a physician assistant. [7]

Hey, this is pretty impressive! I just noticed one small thing:
Shrilling Shrill sounds from the drill made...
I may be wrong.. I'm not sure. But I don't know about the word shrilling.

Oh.. nevermind! I just looked it up, and you are right. Thanks for teaching me a new word. This looks very good.

Writing Feedback / "The diagram related how are lead pencils made.", IELTS: writing part 1 [6]

It takes 4 months before ... do not say it takes 4 months before. Say this:
It takes for months for it to become ready to be replanted.

Then, after next 14 years the tree is prepared to be cut down.

The process of making lead pencils take s really long time.

From a seed of tree to pencils in our shops it takes approximately at least 17,5 years.--- it takes even longer if you count the years that were necessary for humans to evolve and for our brains to develop enough to make tools like pencils! In fact, you could trace it back to the "big bang" and then to the origin of whatever it was that produced the substances that big banged into the universe. If you think of it that way, it takes an incalculable amount of time to make a pencil!

:-)

Writing Feedback / IELTS essay: More stress for younger generation? [11]

Some advice I just thought of: memorizing an essay with correct grammar.

People taking this test should write an essay and have it edited, and then they should memorize it. On the day of the test, it might be easy to revise your sentences to accommodate the new topic.

For example, if you write an essay about the importance of gender equality, you might be able to change all the sentences on the day of the test so that it can be about the importance of conserving natural resources, or some other topic.

Another example: if you memorize an essay about your opinion about whether money should be spent on the space program, you may be able to change the sentences so that it is about whether parents should make decisions for teenagers.

Do you see what I mean? It may not work very well... I don't know. But it might help a lot to come up with sentences in that limited amount of time (40 minutes).

Scholarship / UofT in Life Science: Need help starting an essay on my career plan [7]

In that first sentence you switch from past to present tense. I know they still are presently in different fields, but stylistically it is good to keep it in past tense, so use "was."

Same thing in sentence 2:
As I was growing up, I found myself very fortunate to be born in an extended family where everyone was in different work fields. This gave me a wonderful opportunity to explore those areas to see what appealed to me the most.

Do not use even though and also however in the same sentence:
Even though becoming a physician is a long, arduous, expensive process, however it is a very rewarding career which can be attained with dedication.

Okay, I have some reading assignments for you. If you have your own books and articles that you want to read, then use them instead, but for now I'll tell you the ones that have helped me understand medicine:

The Body Electric by Becker
Unconditional Life by Chopra
anything by Elisabeth Kübler-Ross
The Web that has no Weaver by Kapchuck

These books are not for everyone, but they happen to be books that tell AUTOBIOGRAPHICAL info about physicians. Your essay shows that you have not gotten very specific about what kind of medicine interests you. If I am wrong, I apologize. Please tell me what kinds of medicine interest you most, what books you have read, and so on, because the most important thing to do right now is become very knowledgeable about the various opportunities available to you. Even though you are just starting out, there is no reason you can't read books by physicians about the kinds of medicine they have practiced. That will help you decide what your specialization might be and also it will help you impress the AO reader. Without knowledge of the various directions a medical career can take, you cannot have a career plan.

Book Reports / A Neighboring War, Steve J Spears's story, 'The Girl Next Door' [2]

Hello Li Chi Kin, sorry for the delay in looking at this essay. I'm glad you got some feedback from Gaurav (thanks, Guarav!)

I want to mention that you can do this cool trick when mentioning titles:
The theme of Steve J Spears's story The Girl Next Door is about...
See? No need for commas or "story."
Also, is this a novel? For a novel or for a film, use italics:
The theme of Steve J Spears's The Girl Next Door is about...

Part of the thesis is hard to understand:
It will also show how the writing styles help to (make more delicate? what does this mean?) on the characteristics of each character and make some other correlative (observations?).

He described Autumn as a cute little thing at age 15 and who had given birth to twin girls and his her boyfriend Lenny as a strapping boy with IQ-60 at age 15 and contains a terrified eyes (128).

Okay, now that I spent time reading your academic writing in English, I see that you have really done a great job of practicing MLA citations as well as writing with good sentence structure. I hope you practice reading aloud a little each day so that you can perfect your English! It really is very impressive. I see small mistakes, like this:

... is pleased to share his paradise and tries to give support to the couple to help them overcome the difficulties.

The word 'support' is like the word 'water.' You do not say, "I gave them some waters." You say, "I gave them some water." It needs no s.

So... He tries to give them support and help them.

:-)

Writing Feedback / IELTS essay: compare the advantages and disadvantages of TV,books and radio. [3]


Yes, if you use Microsoft Word as your word proc. program or if you use Firefox as your web browser, you will have a built in spell checker function. So, use the technology to get the spelling correct.

I'll correct the rest:

Personally, I believe that television is the fantastic invention in 20th century for its advantages. In These days, one can stay at home and watch what happens in the different parts of the world with the vivid image and exciting sound. ---- very good!

In addition, we can relax after the hours at the workplace and enjoy a wide range of channels and attractive shows on TV.

Nevertheless, many recent research studies point out the negative effects of television. Kids,as the typical example, who switch on television, very soon may have the aggressive behaviors if they watch inappropriate programs, for instance, violent films or game shows.--- I don't know if game shows make people aggressive!!

I think you are trying to say 'explosion' instead of bomb:
As far as I am concerned, television influences people more than other forms of media. With the bomb explosion in technology development, humans can find many other tool to communicate, but television still has the strongest effects. for the next long time.

Undergraduate / Personal Goal Statement - Columbia College MBA Application [3]

Hi Kevin, I noticed that many students have no plan. Actually, many adults have no plan! The big difference between one student and another comes from whether she or he has a clearly envisioned plan. If your plan is to "get a masters degree and become employed as a counselor in an addiction recovery program," that is admirable, but it is not as admirable as if someone says: "I know someone whose life was recently turned around when addiction counselors gave her the necessary confidence and encouragement to overcome her dependence on heroin. I want to continue my research about the most effective addiction interventions for various groups and make a meaningful contribution to the field of psychology, specializing in cognitive therapy. I recently read about REBT, an innovation by Ellis (2003), and it made me want to combine addiction interventions with the techniques expounded by Ellis. I know that many creative and brilliant people suffer from addiction, and my best contribution to society can be made by attending to their needs so that they can, in turn, make meaningful contributions and function optimally.

This is just something I thought of randomly, but do you see what I mean? Before you begin, you should really develop your vision for the future. It will change, but right now you can expound a detailed plan. That is the way to prove that you are "driven" and passionate about your field.

Writing Feedback / I disagree that television has destroyed communication between friends and family. [10]

It is better not to capitalize television. Only capitalize it if it begins a sentence or if you use the abbreviation T.V.

But this does not need to be capitalized:
I don't think that television has destroyed communication between friends and family.

Television may waste our time; for example, spending time in watching movies, drama and other programs of entertainment may be considered a waste of time, despite the fact that it gives us knowledge when we watch programs like Discovery, National Geographic, History, Animal Planet etc.

(Above) This is a very long, difficult sentence. You should use some shorter sentences while you prepare for the TOEFL. Short sentences are often better than long sentences.

TV provides good things as well as bad things. The choice is yours about what you want to watch.

Plural:
many programs
One reason for television has not destroyed communication between friends and family is that television has so many good programs which make us aware about what is going on in world.

For example housewives can learn new cooking dish from TV.---- This is a bad example! You should write it this way:
For example, people who like to cook can learn about a new dish from T.V.
(This way, you are not suggesting that women should be "housewives." There is no such thing as a housewife in the 21st century, because we have gender equality now. Ha ha, we can say "househusband" instead.)

:-)

Undergraduate / Explanation on which department or program at MIT appeals to you and why [17]


Like always, I can only say what I would do to achieve this, and what I would do is not necessarily best, but... maybe you should consider replacing these words...

I caressed every scratch I found

...with some mention of AI. Mention AI at the beginning as something your ten year-old mind could not understand, and then mention it again at the end...

...power of electronics; (say something about being older now and knowing MIT's DEECS robotics program can help you to acquire a true understanding of AI.) me uncover the secrets of electronics and supply artificial intelligence to the human need.

I am not good at writing about this, because I don't know anything about electronics!! The point is that you can introduce the theme of AI in the first sentence and that will help the reader appreciate what you are saying about childish ideas of the Gameboy being a living thing...

Writing Feedback / essay/ IELTS Animal testing is the only way to guarantee the safety of new products? [4]

But I think animal trials helps help a lot, especially in minimizing the chances of human death during clinical practice. its pros over its cons.

Okay, but what about testing cosmetic products, hair care, make up, etc? And what about other products that are not very important?

Do you have any questions about the corrections I made or the corrections made by Tanya?

Undergraduate / "Beauty" -- express in a more descriptive way? brave and creative [5]

Puffing, sighing, enduring the great pain of with every single step, it was not the little mermaid walking towards her prince with agonizing bliss filling her heart; it was me , toddling towards the migrant children school (no comma necessary here) with my red toes whining and wiggling in the extremely tight high heels.---- I love it!!!! Very good.

I carved her "kind" reminders in my heart. So I held my chin up, looked straight forward to avoid inappropriate eye contact with the students, and explained every new vocabulary word in detail to the wall in the other end of the class.

but I have to try and appeal to the kids' playful side---- very good!! You are a hero of a teacher...

In the last paragraph, you should probably change every verb to the past tense. That will keep it consistent. However, it actually would not be to bad to give that last para in the present tense as you did here. Is it a mistake, or did you change tenses on purpose?

This is a great essay, very meaningful.

Writing Feedback / Ielts: Study at school or get a job? [3]

Right after this sentence, you should give a sentence that tells why you feel this way. Give a succinct sentence that tells why you feel this way, and then the rest of the essay will be clearer.

For example, as we know, employers always prefer to hire an employee of high degree who have has professional skills.

Okay, this is quite good. One thing I thought of was that another reason to get a job is to discover what you like and what you want to study. That way, you can make a good decision about what to study in school.

Do you have any questions about the corrections I made or the corrections Sandeepkale made?

:-)

Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 1: The US's energy consumption and production [4]

The most significant rise happened in the period between around 1955 and 1972, when the Americans ' energy production and consumption experienced a growth of around 20 energy units.

Is this how you meant it to be? I changed it so the apostrophe comes after the s, signifying "belonging to the americans" (i.e. plural)

... causing American import rates to soa r to 60 energy units in 2025.

Pretty good, cat head!!

Undergraduate / "This will be my last summer class at Saint Thomas", Another Concise Narrative [4]


Nice!!

hyphen:
single-handedly

My favorite part of acting class was not the group assignment, no r was it the acting exercises that would often wake us up in the cruel mornings of what could have been summer vacation.---- hahahha, I like your writing...

Being exposed to educational freedom made me realize that this was the setting I had always wanted to be taught in.--- this could be better. The whole conclusion with discussion about how it will affect you really could be developed more. As you revise the end of this essay, get single-minded about the task of telling how this experience will influence your actions in college. say some good, specific things about that... it is the most important part, more important than the narrative.

Undergraduate / "volunteering in a prominent local hospital," 150 WORDS COMMON APP ESSAY [12]


Hey, major tom, this is ground control. I just wanted to mention that this is some great advice. We are lucky to have you.

opportunity of

or the past two years, I've had the opportunity to volunteer at Hôtel-Dieu Grace Hospital, a prominent local hospital. In 10th grade, I volunteered at the coffee bar, where I handled significant amounts of money and prepared refreshments, and this summer I switched to working on the discharge team.

Don't begin a sentence with "As well."

On the discharge team, I was called to almost every one of the nine floors at Hôtel-Dieu ; this allowed enabled me to experience diverse aspects of the hospital community. During my time here, I gained a great deal of valuable insight into the health profession by developing relationships with doctors, nurses, and patients.--- great sentence!

Okay, I like it... this is an impressive experience. I got rid of "for the past two years," but actually you should include mention of "two years" somewhere because it is impressive that you did this on an ongoing bases. Great job!!

Undergraduate / Monitoring clinical research trials is'nt what I want for rest of my life; PA - PS [4]

Add a brief sentence to the beginning of this to introduce the whole thing. It seems to start abruptly.

Take out the word from after 'kicks' and it will be better. ...where I get my kicks.

Okay, and you do not explain why you decided against med school. Keep in mind that you can still attend med school later in life. You can also continue your training as a healer by learning other techniques, such as acupuncture, counseling, and nutrition... therapeutic exercise, etc...

You will have an easier time writing a conclusion if you add a thesis statement. The thesis statement is the whole essay compressed into a sentence. What is the main message of the essay?

:-)

Undergraduate / 'I grew up here, in Ohio' - Why are you interested in Ohio State? [5]

Okay, this is good, but I think it will be better if you talk more about your philosophy of nursing, your reasons for choosing anesthesia, and the school's specific classes that you look forward to completing.

Writing Feedback / 'Change will change a person' - avoiding change essay [2]


Cutting edge refers to the most advanced technology, which exists in every era... so I think this needs to be reworked...

That first para is too short and needs a thesis statement added to the end of it.

You misuse some words here:
There are a number of ways reasons behind this. First, such people's feelings are orthodox. Second, they are lazy and inefficient, always boast resisting against new innovations and changes. ..

It is true that, "If a person does not change himself according to changes in his environment, then environmental chang es will change him." In an organization, old employees do not like their old systems being updated with advanced computer system because they cannot see that their methods w ill be replaced by newer, more efficient ones.

Keep practicing English! You have great ideas, but you have mistakes, too. Do you have questions about any of these changes? Please practice typing the correct way, as we showed you.

You can make another post in this thread with improvements and corrections based on the feedback we gave you.

:-)

Undergraduate / "my own unique and irreplaceable personality" - FSU Application Essay [3]

This will be much better if you give an intro paragraph that tells the main ideas you want to express about the two values you are writing about here.

Then, give one body paragraph and one conclusion paragraph.

You can write about how dance is a matter of BOTH vires and artes.
I don't think you covered mores very well, so it might be better to do vires and artes.

I don't think it is helpful to restate the definitions of the values. Just discuss your ways of applying them, and stick to a main theme. If you read a famous essay, Civil Disobedience for example, you will see how ONE THEME is introduced at the start and continued with every paragraph.

Make it so that every paragraph explains and reinforces a particular theme... a theme that includes both vires and artes.

Keep revising!! Use paragraphs!

:-)

Writing Feedback / Sex Trafficking, an issue of international significance [3]

It can be from a little girl, to a grown woman, or even a teenage boy.

Better not say illegal crime; it is redundant.

If you have seen the way they have to live you would be so appreciative for about your life.

In my opinion homeless people live better than those poor girls. --- yes, I would say so...

This isw a very important issue, and I'm glad you are writing about it. I think this essay is a little too obvious, saying many obvious things. The best idea for you might be to say something very original that people may not have thought about; say something original and interesting in the first paragraph, and make it your theme. That way it will not seem so obvious. You make a lot of good points, so now the thing to do is make this essay original by giving it a specific theme.

:-)

Undergraduate / USMA app essay, why do you want to attend USMA and become an active duty officer [3]

I do very well in critical environments such as the military, and I learned this when I went on a trip to Camp Lejeune and went through a Marine trainee experience.

I am a very tentative --- tentative means something different... you mean attentive. But you used "I am a very" twice in a row, so that is too repetitive.

As a student, I will stay attentive and will do my best with...

Nice!! This will impress them. I suggest dividing it into a few paragraphs and ending the first paragraph with a thesis statement that sums up the main idea of the essay. You should feel confident, though!!

Undergraduate / My interest in business, Common App Essay comparison between the two [5]


I think it is always good to include a title. the title is as powerful as the thesis statement for making a memorable impression.

My dream trip to Japan seemed as far away as in it did half a year ago when I first began to plan for the journey.

My bank balance grew as slowly as my Japanese vocabulary. --- nice!!

With this growth rate, when can I make the trip and when can I to meet the creator of my favorite cartoon characters?--- less confusing this way.

Use a comma for each compound sentence:
Growing up is about taking responsibilities, and paying for my own dreams is a big part of those responsibilities.

...it brings my Japan trip closer and closer.

Okay, I see that the theme for this first essay is to work hard and achieve your goals, and you did a great job of proving that you have well-developed goals.

As for the second version...

This is very good, but it seems to have less of a thesis statement at the end of the first para than the first one does. This essay tells a lot about you, and the theme includes culture, goal setting, ethics, responsibility... it is a lot of stuff, but they are related to each other.

I suggest adding a sentenceto the end of the first para, a sentence in which you sum up the meaning as best you can in a single sentence. That will set the theme of the essay and make the reader appreciate the theme as it is reflected in each detail of each body paragraph.

Focusing more on ethnicity or more on responsibility... it is up to you... but the thing to do is capture the central meaning in a single sentence that sums up the whole essay... a sentence someone might say if asked what this essay is about.

You should know that this is very impressive! Any essay that reflects careful consideration and specific goals is impressive.

Undergraduate / "My dad passed away when i was just 11 years old", an application essay. [17]

Capitalize those letters "I" when it is used as word.

After a person experiences a death by of a loved one in their life, they feel that they won 't be able to move on in life with a positive attitude.

I thought, How am I going to grow up without having my dad in my life, helping guide me through tough decisions I come across?

Here is the way to add a strong thesis statement:
Well at first, i wasn't really sure. (Right after this sentence, add a sentence thast tells the moral of the story, the message of the essay. This is the most important sentence, right here at the end of the first paragraph. Then, start a new paragraph.)

See what I mean? That first paragraph should end in a sentence that sums up the meaning of the essay.

Undergraduate / "swimming is so much more than a sport", Common App - 150 words or less answer [9]


Ha ha, it is knock, not nag. Nag is what my mother does.

The first sentence was a run on sentence:
To me, swimming is so much more than a sport. It is my way of life.

I live for the pool with all its chlorinated glory,------ woo hooo!! Kevin stands up and cheers...

... while I surpass my goals. --- I think you accomplish goals and surpass obstacles. If you surpass a goal.. that seems wrong.

Without them, I could not be where I am----- which is where, exactly?

Wow, I really love chlorinated glory, hahahaha... nice...

Writing Feedback / Does the end justify the means? - GRE issue essay. [6]

No comma necessary in that first sentence.

This question is about whether a moral end justifies immoral methods. Is it moral to assassinate an evil leader who is going to commit genocide? Is it moral to tell a lie in order to help someone avoid emotional pain? Is it okay to cheat in order to win a position of influence so that you can use that influence to benefit people?

This is a question about utilitarian ethics vs. absolutism (i.e. Mill vs. Kant), one of my favorite subjects.

So... you wrote very well, but the point is about this question of whether it is okay to act in an immoral way to achieve a greater good.

Undergraduate / UC prompt1: describe your world and how it shaped your aspirations... [12]


Ah, well, this'll have to be condensed into a paragraph or two and used with an essay that focuses on what you would like to do in the future. You can use the example from the past to explain your way of thinking before introducing the idea you have for what you WOULD like to do with advances now and in the future.

Writing Feedback / TO SPEND BILLIONS OF MONEY ON THE SPACE PROGRAM? CLEP essay [6]

Ha ha... wow, what I mess I am... this is the first time in a few days I laughed out loud at my computer. Laughed right in my computer's face.

Essays / Extended essay on sustainable vs. green design ideas [9]


Well, for iPod vs. Zune, how do you judge which is better? Is it about which is perceived to be better? Or is it about which is actually greener? And in what way is Zune grener?

If Zune is created as a greener alternative to iPod, the makers must have articles about the benefits. So... got any articles by the makers? Any articles by product reviewers?

Poetry / critique for my "5 senses of your favorite color" poem [10]

Oh yeah, I see how that can cause confusion.

Undergraduate / Subsonic Delight, something that you find fun or humorous (Caltech) [8]

Yep, you are good enough at writing that I know you can change it if you want to. Well, I can only tell you my own idea. If I was doing it, I would write about something that you find humorous now rather than something you found humorous then. But that does not mean I am correct!! So, in my opinion, it should be different, but that may not count for much. It depends on the reader...

:-)

Undergraduate / "It's just a matter of time and intelligence." - Ethical Dilemma [15]


Oh.... well, this sentence you wrote here...it explains it very well.

Also, you should spend more time talking about the dilemma.. I think you only discussed wrestling with the dilemma a little bit.

Research Papers / Nurture strongly influences early human [2]


I'll try to fix this one:
Referring to several discussions about different interactions and views on the human development issue, it is difficult to distinguish between the effects of nature, which includes traits infants are already provided from their birth, and nurture, which is the influence of the environment and other circumstances such as knowledge learned through training.

This is a very complex sentence!! If you are still learning English, write short sentences until you get very good at it. I can tell you are good at language, so when you master the English language I am sure you will write extremely well. Right now, please google every word I used above as I fixed your incorrect sentence. Google every word, and look at the definitions. Also look for other sentences that use those words. That will help you master English.

Here is another sentence to work on:
It is possible to argue that nature has been led to more benefits due to the power of heredity.
This sentence above is very good, but "been" makes it the wrong verb tense.

And one more:
As nurture and nature both announce have their strong points, the comparison needs to be made in order to understand their influence.

Please look at all the changes I made, and ask me questions if anything is confusing. Also, google around for words to see if you can make some specific improvements.

You have a very sophisticated way of writing, so when you overcome the mistakes you will do very well!! Keep practicing!

Writing Feedback / Mistakes in the tenses, could you check these sentences and their verbs? [3]

... had already gotten ...

Spent is correct.

were wearing and had are correct.

All verbs in paragraph 2 are correct.

...After the band had finished, I turned--- this is correct, but it will be better if you just write:
After the band had finished, I turned...
Too much use of the "had" tense can get clunky and ugly. So... only use it sparingly.
:-)

The last two verbs are correct.

Undergraduate / Ideal Beauty-Undergrad admission [4]

As I read this, I see that your theme is the way media makes girls feel like they must be a certain way. This is a common theme, and it makes me think you should try to find an interesting angle on the issue and tell us a lot of things we do not already know. Right now you are telling the reader a lot that she already knows. This is VERY well written, though!

Participation in programs such as Dove's Campaign for Real Beauty can give one the knowledge and confidence that is needed to survive in today's world.--- this reverence to Dove's seems arbitrary and abrupt in the last paragraph, there. Give some explanation. And better yet, precede this sentence with a good topic sentence for that last paragraph.

:-)

Letters / Master course in Computer Science in Europe, help proofread my Letter of Motivation [5]

No need to capitalize first in "first prize." Sometimes you would, but not the way you are using it here. You would capitalize it if you were referring to the proper noun, the name of the prize.

Working on the various projects...

I think this is okay:
I feel excited about the potential for new research in this area...

This is just about as good as they get. I think you will be among those whose essays are most impressive to the AO. The ending is very clever!

Undergraduate / I am an atheist: Struggle for personal growth - Common App: Personal Essay [4]

Capitalize Catholic in that first use of it.

Hey, isn't Opus Dey that group mentioned in the Dan Brown book? Interesting!

Saying one is an atheist = saying "I do not believe in God" but the word God is used in more than one way, so I always feel that it is incomplete to say simply that one is an atheist. It is best to sat precisely what you mean.

I think you do not give yourself enough credit here: "But how much is pride worth?" I think there is something more than just pride that motivates you. You can add depth to this; for example, write about the difference between being a nonbeliever that shuts out ideas and being a nonbeliever who is trying to be receptive to the actual truth about the nature of things, which perhaps may come to us intuitively during life.

Scholarship / UofT in Life Science: Need help starting an essay on my career plan [7]

That is not a career plan! It is too general to be a plan. You can give an explanation of a tentative plan, and do not call it tentative. Everyone knows that our plans will change, but make a plan right now. Where will you be living in 10 years? What will be your specialization?

The trick is to give a well-developed plan, and that way you really prove something. Most people do not have a real plan for life, so if you do you are impressive. Be bold, and tell us the details of a plan, even though it is sure to change.

Undergraduate / I taught English to underserved kids- most significant non-academic accomplishment? [3]

It was humbling to be able to reach so many lives at once, and this experience still remains one of my most meaningful accomplishments. to date .

This is well-written. I like it... not too much I would want to change.

My challenge for you is to go back through it and find ways to take out unnecessary words and phrases, and make room to give more details of your experience. Where did you stay? What were some things the students said to you?

:-) The reader will love the details.

Undergraduate / To spend the next two years training to be a physician assistant. [7]

while most of my friends began there their summer months of care free recreation or the excitement of getting their license, i discovered a whole new rush that changed my life indefinitely "---- well, this is not the best thing to do either, because it is sort of like bragging that you are better than them. You might do well to say something very sincere about what insight makes you think this is the most meaningful and fulfilling kind of work for you.

or...

As a high school student, being asked to scrub in for a...

This is all very impressive -- the writing and the accomplishments. I think it'll be well-received.