Writing Feedback / Essay about 2 kinds of friendship - Judith Viorst [7]

I like to use " " marks when referring to a word:
But the word "friend" is too broad, so people...

Here is a good way to do a quotation:
Viorst claimed: "Close friends contribute to our personal growth." I found...

I want to make this sentence better:
Although I have met all six kinds of friends described by Viorst, convenience friends and close friends are two categories that have special significance in my life.

:-)

This is great!
When you add something 'extra' to a sentence, use some dashes:
In the end, Huy will always be my close friend -- my brother -- and I will always look out for this brother of mine.

Undergraduate / "A diverse place" - Rutgers Essay [4]

... many different types of people, that it seems sort of impossible to not meet someone of another race, culture or religion. ---- very interesting observation. This is good writing.

Another thing I would like to do at Rutgers is perform, preferably sing, in front of an audience. ----- excellent detail. If you spend one day trying, you can learn to play guitar. That is helpful for singing.

Maybe in a talent show of some sort, but I would love to just get on stage This sentence is not helpful.

Take out some of the stuff about the cheering crowd and replace it with some sentences about your personal philosophy... what is meaningful to you about performing arts... what it means for your career... what does your interest in performance say about your philosophy of life?

Also, the last sentence is boring.

Ha ha, I just think you wrote SO so so well at the beginning, and then it got boring in the middle,,,,, but you can fix it! Talk about your plans and about what is important to you... what is unique about this school that makes it compatible with your unique ideas?

Undergraduate / "Parliamentary inspection of the administration" - Commonapp 150word essay [3]

Scratch some out to make some room:
Representing forty-eight million people and a thousand monitors, only three were allowed to enter each committee. Parliamentary inspection of the administration was held twenty days a year. However, before NGOs monitored it, the congress neglected it. Replace this with a sentence that clearly tells the reader what you are talking about! It is confusing.

The most important mission of the spot monitors was to check congressmans' concentration and the exact time they leave their seats because cameras only focus on the person who is speaking. After the fourteen hours of monitoring, I was at one part relieved because there are many lawmakers who really do their best but at the other part, I was distressed because some people slept or even left the place. ---- add a sentence at the end to make sure the reader understands the main idea you want them to remember --- your theme.

:-)

Graduate / USC Film Emotional moment essay Graduate admission [2]

I was twenty-nine years young, sitting in the ...---- added a comma.
Also, i think it is not good to say 29 yrs young. It is a cliche, a common play on words.

I do agree with your way of writing twenty-nine instead of 29. In APA writing you would use 29, but in other cases it looks nice to write the word twenty-nine.

then left on a journey from which he would never return...

Ah! Awful... I'm sorry for your loss. Yes, we'll see him when we get there. Practice meditation now so that you might recognize him when you next see him.

My advice: write more about that particular moment. Give it a whole paragraph. Use the word moment to show that you are following the prompt.

I'm glad you are participating here! You write very well. Please check out essayforum.com/ef-contributor-page/

Faq, Help / Question about becoming an EF Contributor [13]

Yep, there is nothing wrong with showcasing your work in all areas. It's how you become influential, impressive, and capable of supporting loved one, etc.

But as Ershad points out, being a contributor also has the added bonus of making your username look cool, haha...

Student Talk / Do colleges know about EssayForum? [39]


maybe that is because vehement reminded your subconscious mind about "venom" and ...

...the image of saliva spitting out arises in your mind.

Ha ha, I have never actually seen the word antidisestablishmentarianism until now...

Writing Feedback / To what level do you agree that Unis should accept equal numbers of male and females? [7]

In our contemporary society, there is a striking increase in the number and importance of women in the society.

Secondly, a few courses are well more suited to a particular sex group. For instance, women are likely to prefer some majors such as psychology or obstetrics while men are used to show more interest in engineering or mechanis m.--- no, no... this part is not good. This is the part that shows that OLD gender roles are still being kept alive in your mind. I know women who would be much better at engineering than I am, because regardless of gender we all have different kinds of intelligence.

The last paragraph is very good! I agree with your idea --- it should be based on performance. But, do not write anything about jobs women are better-suited for. None of us can say a particular job is better for a particular gender.

:-)

Writing Feedback / Male to Female ration in University admissions [2]

Ma Li, please try to write a new draft with the corrections Maria made.
Do you understand the corrections?

In some places, you could do what Maria suggested or come up with another way. For example:
In recent years, female students have been entering universities a lot more than in previous years.
THIS IS ANOTHER OPTION FOR YOU.

I hope you can learn from what Maria said. English is hard!!

Do you have questions?

Student Talk / Hi everyone! Welcome at EssayForum thread. [416]


You should write an essay for me. Write about your plan for the next 5 years. If you have no plan, you should come up with one in the next 10 minutes. It can be a tentative plan.

A tentative plan = a plan you might change.

Anyway, write three paragraphs. Begin each paragraph with a topic sentence.

Do you know what "topic sentence" means? It is a sentence that starts a paragraph, and it explains the paragraph's main idea.

Tell me three ideas about your future. Use a paragraph for each idea. Start each paragraph with a topic sentence.

:-)

Grammar, Usage / Tips on writing more effectively (visit the link) [8]

I learned a lot, too. I love the trick you did with the long sentence and the words not-to-use. This is good writing advice, because it is bold. Do not use "plethora." Ha ha, I have to agree...

Hey, I recently learned that there is a term for that comms-in-place-of-a-period thing you mentioned. "Comma Splice"

Undergraduate / Outline reasons for choosing the Fashion Institute for Design and Merchandising [3]

I see that Yayz corrected that run on sentence at the beginning.

Also, ershad makes a good point!! If you are telling why you want this school, be honest! What is the real reason? What would you tell a friend about your decision to attend this school? Is it because XXXXXX is a hero that you look up to and she graduated from this school? It is because you have a good feeling about it and feel comfortable there?

Your reason can be powerful if it is personal. I like your "the one" theme!
FIDM is an excellent institution of higher education that not only teaches real world knowledge but embraces creativity and encourages entrepreneurship. The school "feels right," and when I learned more about it I determined that it is my top choice.

Poetry / This is the first poem I've ever written - "Sorrow" [7]


my favorite line.


i understand what you mean, but it may not affect the reader correctly... strengthened faith does not wash away... faith washes away despite having been recently strengthened.

The sandcastle of faith is was fortified, but now it washes away.

Seems like a song that should be played in A minor.

Graduate / SOP for Ph.D. in Industrial Engineering ("anything related to science & technology [3]


This is such a common thing people write. Write something else! Write it in a different way. Can you say this in a clever way? Can you write a sentence about your childhood that SHOWS the reader this truth? Do not tell them; show them.

In the university entrance examination in China, I got the highest scores on Mathematics in my hometown. (now add one more sentence before ending this first paragraph -- a sentence that captures the whole meaning of the essay!!)

:-)

I hope you will tell the reader more about your plan for the next few years. You write very well, and your accomplishments are impressive. Tell us more about your plan and why this school is perfect for you.

Undergraduate / My experience as a lifeguard: Saving Jeffrey. [7]

This is great! You must know it is great, because when we write something with real energy we know that it has the energy. .. the energy of inspiration, a chill up your spine.

Jeffrey circled deeper until he finally reached the bottom of the pool. I stood up on my guard stand seeing to see what he would do next. I waited for about ten seconds and Several seconds passed, and he did not come up to the surface of the water.

:-)

Undergraduate / Experiences...Accomplishments...Experiences - College admission essay [6]

It's better to have this just once:

Experiences...Accomplishments.. .Experiences...Accomplishments...I don't really...

...aren't they the things that define us as a person? (Now connect this to the idea of accomplishment and experience being synonymous: My actions define me, and adding definition to myself is always an accomplishment!

:-)

Writing Feedback / Most beneficail discovery in the last 100 yrs; Transportation, Communication [20]

You are correct. Columbus discovered America. Archaeologists discovered the bones of dinosaurs. Edison discovered electricity...

But in the last century, the discoveries have been innovative discoveries. What discovery has been most instrumental in improving the standard of living in your country?

Maybe it is good to discuss this idea in your intro: If one is asked, 'What is the most significant discovery,' it makes her or him wonder if inventions can be considered discoveries. I can discover a new chord progression while playing guitar, or I can discover a new way to build a bridge, so if digital communication and the Internet can be considered discoveries they surely have been very beneficial discoveries. Yet, instead of talking about these innovative discoveries, I want to discuss a concept that is being discovered in this century: gender equality.

We have reached a new level of gender equality, and this has enabled women to transform the .,....________

This is an example of something I would possibly do if I was writing this essay...

Writing Feedback / IELTS writing ---to what extent do you agree or disagree? modern or old building ? [3]

I see that you are already proficient, and you need "fine tuning."

Here is something to help you learn. Think about these three corrections, and then try to write another sentence that is similar to the sentence I am correcting.

Read this again:
Think about these three corrections, and then try to write another sentence that is similar to the sentence I am correcting.

Fine tuning means slowing down and reading everything twice.

Regarding whether traditional buildings should be replaced by...

Some people hold that it is necessary for the modern buildings to be used instead of the old.

However, if we live in a city with skyscrapers everywhere and cannot find a tiny at least a tiny bit of culture around, it will be a pity for this...

You can say, "Keep a little culture," because this is a short way of saying, "Keep a little amount of culture."

Sometimes people say "a little" to mean "a little amount of"...
But do not say
Keep a tiny culture.
Instead, say
Keep a little culture.
or
keep some culture
or
keep a little bit of culture.

:-)

Undergraduate / UCF Admission Essay...[What qualities do I possess...] [14]

Hey, I liked the sentence about the flip flops in number 11... but in all of it, reduce the number of modifiers -- adjectives and adverbs. They weaken the writing and water down the reader's experience.

Some sentences have no power. This one has no power:
My parents describe me as "unique" and I couldn't agree with them more.
A sentence with power is one that has some energy behind it:
My parents describe me as "unique," and know that their use of this word has both negative and positive connotations!

I add an !! mark for some energy, and I make a little tension by saying negative and positive. Give the reader something to care about, something to feel. :-)

Writing Feedback / IELTS writing_International sporting occasions help to ease international tensions [2]


This is already a good essay. You showed that you understand the prompt, and you responded clearly:
It really helped to alleviate the tension.--- this is very good, because it shows that you understand the prompt.

Do you understand azeri's corrections?

For example:
Change chance

Excellent ending!!!
It will make the world more peaceful by easing internation tensions and releasing patriotic emotions in a safe way.
But it should say this:
It will make the world more peaceful by easing international tensions and releasing patriotic emotions in a safe way.

Faq, Help / How do I ask a moderator to read and edit my essay? [11]

Hi Sean, I believe I remember seeing an essay by you, but now when I click your username to see your posting activity I do not see any essays...

Do you have more than one EssayForum account?

Please just right click the web address of your essay and link me to it via this thread.
I look forward to helping! I'm sorry if you had technical difficulty or if we had a glitch that caused you a problem.

:-)

Undergraduate / I was born into a rich family: UC Personal Statement for Graduates of 2011 [3]

How can you say you are not a god writer? I love the theme. The rich family thing was really clever.

I like this sentence, but I will change it a little:
My sister, the first to inherit my father's wisdom, not only ...--- very nicely written...

...My sister, the first to inherit my father's wisdom, not only lived up to my father's standards but also came up with her own.

:-)

Book Reports / Thousand Spledid Suns - Provoking Essay topic suggestions? [22]

Ha ha, this is a great thread.

If you need a high score, the thing to do is ask the teacher what will earn a high score. When she answers, she has sort of agreed to give a high score if you fulfill the requirements.

If she already provided grading criteria or a rubric, you should start each paragraph with a sentence that clearly shows that you are following the rubric.

But go beyond that idea of earning a good grade, and write something truly inspired.

Do not waste time floating around in the book. What passage do you remember best? What page? Go to that page.

Read slowly. Housaini's ideas will make you have ideas of your own. When you are breathing deeply and feeling wakeful, your mind will respond with ideas that deserve deep consideration. When your mind comes up with a new insight -- something you have never thought of before -- your essay is already complete before you write it!

Write a sentence that expresses your unique insight. Perhaps you will compare gender oppression with some other injustice.

Perhaps your essay will be one big metaphor, and the first paragraph will end with a sentence that says, "gender oppression is a swivel chair that only swivels left."

Read some essays about gender oppression and traditional gender roles... not just in that society but in other societies, too... and see the clever, poetic observations that are made.

One essay = one big idea

Undergraduate / 'plethora of opportunities' - The Ohio State University Essay [4]

...opportunity to study whatever interests me, even if I am still exploring what I want to be.

This sentence would be good at the start of the first paragraph:
I live in a suburb of Cincinnati and I have always wanted to get away from Cincinnati and even Ohio; that is until I visited the Buckeyes campus, and realized that I did not have to go very far to find what I was looking for. The feeling of going far away from home ....

Ohio State has an enormous campus and a large, diverse student body, but another wonderful thing about this university is its ability to give the feeling of a small school environment through the ----- too much like a brochure. Do not waste words with this. Say something about your glimpse into medicine and who your heroes are... about your plan for these next few years and why this school is the best place to enact it.

There must be a reason this school, though not the only suitable school, is the one you are choosing. Maybe it is because of a philosophy they promote or something that distinguishes them from other schools.

The best thing about Ohio State University is its plethora of opportunities.---- to general. You do not need 160 majors. Even if you are undecided, you can tell them what you ARE sure about in life... and how the unique traits of this school make it your #1 choice (having a lot of majors or small class size is not unique.)

It is too common to write about small class size, 160 majors, etc. This will not set you apart. Determine what sets the school apart from other schools, and tell them about how that makes the school perfect for your plan.

Dig deep! What distinguishes the school, and what distinguishes you? It does not have to be a super impressive distinction... just has to be distinct. Do not write anything that might appear in a brochure. Make a unique observation about the school and about yourself.

Essays / How does 'start ahead, stay ahead' help you in achieving your goal? [5]

I hope you find a way to discuss this rule, "start ahead, stay ahead," in terms of your own field of interest.

If you are interested in medicine, you might want to write about getting "ahead of the game" be learning a lot about how hospitals are run and about how to talk to patients.

You can also write about learning information before a class begins so that you can get the most out of the class.

Maybe you are interested in teaching. If so, you can write about helping your students to start ahead so that they can feel confident as they work through their classes.

:-)

Grammar, Usage / Quick Comma Question - is it needed after "small amenities"? [5]

The answer has to do with the meaning of the sentence.
You don't need a comma if the clause it would separate is necessary for the meaning of the sentence.

You are saying something about what will happen without those two small amenities, so there is no need for a comma:
My friends will call me "Princess," but without these two small amenities their snoring will prevent me from falling asleep, and the early-morning light will make it impossible to stay asleep after the sun rises.

I did put a comma after asleep to SEPARATE THE 2 HALVES OF A COMPOUND SENTENCE. That is always a time to use a comma.

I removed the comma after small because, although you are supposed to put a comma after every item on a list of two or more, I don't think small counts for some reason!

Really, in the end it is up to the writer. Readers are not sure. I am not sure either... and language is always changing.

Here is an example of a sentence that needs commas because of an clause:

I removed the comma after small because, although you are supposed to put a comma after every item on a list of two or more, I don't think "small" counts for some reason!

The sentence would still be complete and express its meaning without that clause:
I removed the comma after small because I don't think "small" counts for some reason!

Crazy.. crazy commas. Omit them when you can. The other symbols trip over them.

Graduate / Statement of Purpose -Master Buildings Science and Technology [2]

This is great.. the writing and ideas are all excellent, and it was enjoyable to read.

Tighten it up:
You begin with a quote about need and greed. In your essay, discuss sustainable development as the action to take against greed. Greed depletes resources, but sustainable development is like a practice of renunciation. Renounce the restlessness and greed that compel people to be irresponsible toward the environment.

:-)

Writing Feedback / As the light begins to dim, Faith. [9]


Yeah, that is what Dr. Yang says!

This is what I am trying to learn ymaa.com/articles/qigong-meditation/embryonic-breathing
There are books and DVDs, if this seems to have the ring of truth for you.

Undergraduate / Marching band section leader: a meaningful event, experience or accomplishment [6]


Then you need to think of something else to say! :-) An essay of 5 paragraphs usually says only one big idea. And it has maybe 3 smaller ideas to support it. The secret:

Artfully support your ideas in paragraphs that include examples.

Hey, I just read it and it is great! You have a cool writing style. Now... make an astute observation about the implications for your future.

Also... tell the next exciting thing worth telling! You built some conflict, so get us to the resolution. What is the next part of the story?

Writing Feedback / Topic: Are we defined by great challenges or by everyday challenges? [3]

Here is another idea about that intro:

Life is just like a journey in which we try to explore our inner selves by devising solutions to every problem we confront. And every long journey just starts with small steps; similarly, the process of understanding and defining individual always comes along with solving everyday challenges.

What do you think of that? Or something like it...

I like your idea. You should express the idea in a single sentence (not too long) and add it to the end of the first paragraph.

:-)

Writing Feedback / when and where would you like to go back in the past and why? [4]

This is really an interesting and turning on my past memory from my past. I know that my past time is not as important as the present.

That period was full of dreaming and dealing with goals of own life as well as my most important educational year.

My further study depended on my mark or grade in higher secondary school. This period played an important role in establishing my direction in life. of future.

I tried to find that reason why I was not able to help my parents and I had not fulfilled their dreams. If I get chance to go ...

Verbs:
If I could, I would...
In conclusion, If I could go back in the past I will would choose go back in my school to use my knowledge, which I learned from my mistake. As well as Also, I want to accomplish my parents goals for me and fulfill my dreams.

:-) I like this essay!

Writing Feedback / TOEFL Essay: Art or environment [2]

I had another idea for correcting the first sentence:

Obviously, both of these choices are based on reasonable ideas about how to create the most benefit for society.

Awesome, Maria, you are cool. Mankim, let's see another draft with those corrections. Do you have any questions?

I like this sentence:
As far as I am concerned, if the company spends some money on environmentally-friendly issues, it will gain more public attention and earn more support by which the company can grasp the best opportunity to develop more successfully. for success.

Faq, Help / Question about becoming an EF Contributor [13]

Yeah, good call azeri.

Just think of it as any other writer's group. If you participate in a writer's group, that reflects seriousness about writing. As a contributor, there is also an element of community service, because you help people with their essays even though they will not always help you.

Anyway, I see you doing great things here and really appreciate your work!

I don't think EF is so well known that any admissions person would know it, but anyone knows what a writer's group is. Be a contributor! :-)

Essays / Should animals be kept in cages? (Essay plan) [6]


This is the weak part. Do not state the obvious unless you are going to make an interesting observation about it.

Look at all the points you make and identify the THEME that underlies them all. Your MAIN IDEA is made up of all those points. Can you say your main idea in a single sentence?

:-)

Student Talk / Do colleges know about EssayForum? [39]

Okay Maria, you get the 10 points for your great imagery and intuition.

I don't think breezy necessarily means pompous, though. I think it can mean the writer takes her time, adding lots of unnecessary phrases to sentences that are already too long, and even though the essay does not say much at all it takes a very long time to say it. The breezy writer is in no hurry and, like bird that flies north, east and west before finally heading south for the winter, takes the reader all over the place before getting to the point. After having made the point, of course, the writer continues to banter on and on. The reader probably already understands, but the writer goes on and on, feeling like the essay improves with the addition of more words... but the reader is already sick of reading! Ho hum, breezy breezy.

Faq, Help / Thanking moderators and everyone who gave me helpful suggestion [28]

Start a sentence collection. Memorize about 20 sentences that have good structure, and use variations of them. For example:

School uniforms are useful, but they have serious drawbacks.

You can make variations of that sentence. If you are writing about capitalism, you can write:
Capitalism is powerful, but it has serious drawbacks.
or you can change it in a big way:
Capitalism is a sophisticated system that mirrors natural selection from evolutionary theory, but it also creates greed and ruthlessness.

Try making variations of this sentence:
When the sky gets dark, the world is trying to go to sleep.

ANOTHER IMPORTANT IDEA:
Post some more writing here and ask specifically with help conjugating verbs. That is usually what people need the most help with. You are doing well! I bet if you took the test again right now you would score higher. They said you insufficiently answered some questions... so maybe you need to write more than you wrote.

Post an essay soon! We'll practice...

Student Talk / Hi everyone! Welcome at EssayForum thread. [416]


Yeah, we are the academic MySpace!

Welcome to essay forum, everyone. Please check out /ef-contributor-page/
...even if you are still struggling to learn English, you can help people improve their essays by discussing them.

Writing Feedback / You'd find yourself at this spot each day! ; A Book and Coffee-shop [3]

Yeah, I noticed that verb tense thing, too. That is the kind of mistake I make all the time.

My favorite sentence: As you picked up your coffee cup, no sugar, just black, the bitterness stimulating you, and you'd look at the book that held your answers.

That is the kind of sentence that you can only write if you have that chill of inspiration.

Writing Feedback / Cities need to preserve historic buildings or destroy and replace them? [4]

...cannot visualize a city without its historical structure. -- add one more sentence here to make your point. There is room for another sentence, and by adding another sentence you can "sharpen" the thesis. That means you can make a main idea for the essay, and that idea will be even more distinct.

You write very well!! You should feel fortunate to have somehow become so talented!

In the last para, like the first para, you have room to add another sentence. It is good to have at least 4 sentences in a paragraph. In normal conversation, some people interrupt before you even finish one sentence, but in an essay you get to use lots of sentences to make your point. Adding one more sentence at the end of a paragraph can "sharply" burn an idea into a reader's mind.

Writing Feedback / Kalinese artists (GRE argument) [3]


nice!! Good point. In critical thinking, they refer to both "depth" and "breadth" of thinking.

With breadth, you think widely and inclusively so that you do not miss possibilities.

At the end of the first paragraph, you can succinctly state your main point or list a few points that comprise your argument. For example:

The claim is questionable for two main reasons: The extent to which human bodies were used as models is not known, and the value of the miniatures may not be greater because people value different aspects of the art.

By listing your points at the end of the first paragraph, the essay will have better structure, and that is what Rajesh is talking about, too.

Anyway, this is well written, for sure.

Student Talk / Strategy for Impressing Admissions Readers: Make up a new term or concept [15]


ha ha, that is the point. It is so bold that no one will question it. If you create a new term... like... "The pragmatism of euthanasia" ... ha ha... okay, that is a bad example, too.

But if you create a term, it is so bold of you to do that... it validates itself because of the boldness of your assertion. It is okay for it to be out of place.