Letters / 1st application letter for Life information science [2]

I am impressed by those first two sentences, and I think all readers will be impressed by them. They are beautifully structured.

I hope you will add a thesis statement to the end of the first paragraph. Add one more sentence... a sentence that tells about the memorable theme that you want to plant in the reader's mind.

Capitalize Internet.

Additionally, good use of the computer not only helps in efficient scholarly research in the internet but also assisted me in winning a logo design competition. --- Do you see the changes I made to this sentence?

This is great! Go back and add a memorable thesis statement that tells about your philosophy of info management. Add it to the end of the first paragraph, and make it something that will help the reader remember you.

:-)

Scholarship / Essay for the embassy,how to make perfect essay to get accepted in a scholarship [7]

This is very good. I think you should come up with a memorable phrase or theme that the reader will notice and... this theme or phrase will stick in the reader's mind to help you convey your meaning.

Your progress is excellent.

Research Papers / Paper on Google vs Microsoft -help me understand analysis and my school assignment [5]

...applying it to shape the future of computing. --- (right after this sentence it is good to add one more sentence that shows the MAIN THEME FOR THE WHOLE ESSAY.)

At the end of the first paragraph, it is good to give that idea that you want the reader to remember. Plant it in their minds.

Okay, and similarly, please reread the first sentence of every paragraph and see if those sentences alone could express the main idea. Google this:
How to write a good topic sentence

This essay has excellent writing, but I think you need to work on structure. Rewrite those topic sentences and especially the the thesis statement at the end of the first paragraph. Make it so that the reader could catch your meaning even if she read only the topic sentences of the paragraphs.

:-)

Writing Feedback / How media affects the lives of famous people? [4]

"In conclusion, the media pays too much attention to the personal lives of famous people. The government has a responsibility to make some rule to regulate them."--- This would work.

Media is a plural noun, but in common usage it can be "the media" as a singular noun.

Dissertations / Latest Ph.D. topics in the field of data mining and warehousing [10]

Hi Azeri, it is always great to pass along helpful links, and you can link peopl to other threads within essayforum as well. I suspect, though, that these requests about data mining and wearhousing are actually not serious requests. Saxena, what can you tell me about your role and interest in these subjects? Saxena sounds like a beautiful Canadian name, by the way.

Graduate / SOP for MS in Computer Science - family of computer and software experts. [8]

In the first para, you talk about others in your family. In the second para, you are talking about courses you took. It is not until paragraph 3 that we start getting to know you. I would like you to BRIEFLY mention the careers of your relatives in a paragraph that tells the reader about YOUR UNIQUE WORLDVIEW. I want the reader to share in the perspective tht makes you want to excel in this field, work meaningfully, and find personal satisfaction.

At the end of the first paragraph, you should mention a specific plan for the future... a specific goal. It is going to show the reader that your process is one that will change the world for the better.

:-)

Undergraduate / One of reasons I want to join the Peace Corps is quite selfish - I want to be changed by the world. [7]

I want to be changed by the world.--- this would make a great title

Someone once said, that "If you don't get lost, there's no way you can be found." While ...

I like the quote, I like your explanation of it, I like your eloquence, and I think this is some great material.

Ha ha, I love it; I really can't think of any criticism for this inspired essay.

If this was a college ap, would suggest more discussion of your long term goals and intellectual interests, but for the peace core I think you are going to do very well with this.

Essays / Explain introduction? - Statement of Purpose - SCAD (fashion design major) [3]

This sentence does not say anything at all.

If you are applying, it is obvious that you want to be part of Fashion Design program at SCAD and to contribute to the on going ongoing research in fashion design. So, you don't need to say this.

You don't need to say this, either:
, while providing me with a quality education from beginning to end.

If you want to write something memorable and impressive, say something meaningful. Give me your best sentence to explain why fashion is meaningful to you.

Undergraduate / Math, chemistry - a significant experience, achievement common application essay [3]

Simplify to avoid errors:
Until high school, never did I consider math nor or science as my strong suits, preferring instead to focus on essays and literature rather than sinusoidal equations and chemical thermodynamics.

...forces that compels ...
forces that compel...

Don't say tenacity to succeed... just say tenacity.
or
determination to succeed

Your first paragraph should end with a sentence that tells the reader what your main idea for the essay will be. In that first paragraph, I am wondering what your meaning will be. Give a thesis statement at the end f that first paragraph.

I think you don't need to spend so much time asserting that neither gender is superior. We all know that, especially the admissions reader. Instead, tell the reader that you are serious about challenging traditional expectations about gender roles, and FOCUS ON TALKING ABOUT YOUR CLEAR PLAN FOR THE FUTURE.

Talk about your plan at the beginning and end of the essay.

:-)

Undergraduate / I am trying to finish a BSN in nursing [3]


I am always surprised when 21st century people still speak in terms of a "male nurse," as if that might be something unusual. We don't say male orderly or male physician... male taxi cab driver.

Ha ha...

Let's see that material, Blanca!

I'm glad you're here.

Writing Feedback / Follow it up with adequate facts ; Limiting inventory to increase profits [4]

There might be a huge chunk of customers who might not bother to participate in such a survey, or for that matter, might not subscribe such a magazine at all.

---- I believe there is a term for this: "nonparticipation bias."

A decision of about a plan of action must be based on a study of the trends of sales and the preferences of the customers throughout the chain of stores in the country.

This essay is solid./ I cannot accurately score it based on the same criteria others would use, but in my opinion it's 6 out of 6.

Undergraduate / "A plane trip we took from Germany to London" - UF admission essay [19]


Well said
Ha ha, I'm jealous that I did not come up with that adage.

I really enjoy your way of handling that cheap shot I took at set up.

Okay, you keep stirring up trouble, I'll keep yelling at you for being too harsh, and together we will rule the galaxy.

Writing Feedback / My Friends - a Challenging Paragraph [7]

Nice!

No need for "Each one"
Each implies "one."
Each one of them had ...

Undergraduate / Nursing School Admissions Essay: "to acquire skills" [6]

Ever since I started school (As long as I can remember?), my one and only goal was to finish college. Let's get rids of this weak sentence. It's a bad way toy start. I hope you don't mind me being candid about it. It's boring! :-)

This is very interesting!!---> Growing up in Manila, Philippines, a third world yet western-culture-embracing country, finishing college meant a better quality life for me and my family, it also meant landing me a job. See Education is highly-valued in the Philippines; it's like gold for us Filipinos.

Yes, that verb tense should stay consistent, as you mentioned:
fueled me to be motivated in everything I do did, whether it'd be studying for exams or just plain old household chores.

Sometimes it is better to use fewer words, even if some details are lost:
Another experience that helped me shape my decision in wanting to be a nurse was when my grandfather got sick. when I was little. ---- "when I was little" is an extra detail that taxes the reader's attention. I got rid of it. :-)

Here is another:
Lastly, I will put my best foot forward to endeavor to accomplish the day-to-day undertaking of the

Look for places to "stream;line" and get rid of words. Make it sleek and efficient.
This is very good, very impressive thoughtfulness.

Graduate / SOP: Asian Studies M.A. for Andrea Gill [4]


hyphen:
wide-eyed curiosity

river's

You don't have to capitalize professor when you are not using it with the name.
when my history Professor introduced me to ...

I learned from Professor Smith...
I learned from the professor during the class.

and whom I would be grateful to work alongside and alongside whom I would be grateful to work. One of which them would be Thomas Kasulis. His book, Zen Action/Zen Person, was one that...

I believe that With my unique interests in Japanese folk religion, and with the previous experiences that I have in the subject matter, I would...

This is excellent, but you can do a better job of infusing the essay with the substance of the practice itself. How would you describe that which meditation offers its practitioners? Read some selections by Suzuki, Herrigel, Kasulis, Larkin, Thich Nhat Hanh (especialli Thich Nhat Hanh!) and other great writers, and get inspired to include a paragraph that celebrates the actual practice. Can you capture in words its nature and significance? Can you articulate its potential to mitigate the harmful, ambitious and fearful aspects of human nature?

Research Papers / Paper on Google vs Microsoft -help me understand analysis and my school assignment [5]


Well, you need to think of a relevant "problem." An adviser once told me that a research problem must involve "blood, sweat, or money." That was a joke, but he means you need to find a real problem relevant to your topic.

Google and microsoft own the world right now, so they have few problems.

Can you think of a particular product that is having a problem?

Can you change your topic if you think of a good problem, perhaps a problem that is causing inefficiency, safety violations, or loss of money.

Start by describing how a problem is costing money, and then do this section by section.
As a warmup, look at your own problems in real life, and apply this system of analysis:
define it
what is cause
opportunity
what works well
...etc.

Student Talk / I am new here and I want to practice writing English essay.. [35]

Hi, I'm new here. I want to practice writing English essays. I also want to practice until I can speak in English with fluency. Please help.

Let's see something you write, and we'll find the errors for you!! :-)

Undergraduate / My application essay on Babysitting. [4]


Traditional gender roles are not relevant to this essay. You should not make this comment, because it will confuse the reader into thinking the essay is about gender roles.

Making funny faces which could have worked in amusing a baby yesterday may not work today.

I like this essay a lot, and I am impressed by your thoughtfulness.

Beautiful sentence: I now look after Thando as if he were my own, giving him more of my time, energy and attention without ever feeling like I've given him enough.

Writing Feedback / Not only women but also men have to take care of their children [7]

This essay looks at ideas in favour of to support the notion that fatherhood is as important as motherhood.

Firstly, children are the results of love and combination between both men and women. In a consequency Consequently, not only

affect = verb
effect = noun

Secondly, fathers effect affect on their children in a different way when compared with mothers. Fathers have their own strategy for teaching their children.

Besides, fathers are more relaxed than mothers when their children run into a trouble. ---- I disagree.

Very good! You do not have many mistakes! :-)

Essays / Differences between "Personal Statement" / ''Statement of Purpose" / "Motivation Letter" [6]

A statement of purpose is not always that long. It depends on what the school says. Call the school to find out! :-)

One way to improve your grammar is yo post your writing here and allow us to help find your mistakes.

Also, google this: strunk and white

Scholarship / Essay for the embassy,how to make perfect essay to get accepted in a scholarship [7]

Everything in Yemen is very limited. I feel limited in my opportunities to acquire knowledge, and I feel that my opportunities are also limited. either in knowledge or in experience so to gain more experience and knowledge I should be in a place that has a good opportunity for students which I found that My situation changed, though, when I came to the United States as an exchange student.

Getting to know different people, American culture, tradition and other nationalities, I bring what I know to Yemen and try to influence as many people as I can -- especially as Yemeni girl which that will affect with influence over many girls in my age.

I help my mother and make her proud of me as a

As a Muslim girl I will prove that girls are capable of taking take responsibility for themselves and can make change if they want to work hard .

My finance is always keeping me away to reach preventing me from reaching my goals because I live with my mother and she is the only person who provides financial support for my brother and me .

Tell some more about what you want to do in your career! :-)

Graduate / Admission for Phd in Epidemiology [10]

It would be great to call the institution and respectfully ask about their preferences on length. Do what they say.

About objectives: We all want our lives to be meaningful, so if we meet a student who has a clear plan for the future, we want to see that student succeed. We especially want you to succeed if you have goals that will benefit others or improve society.

If I was in a position to decide whether or not to accept a student, I would want to choose someone who has a detailed plan for the next five years. Write some sentences that give details to show how much time you have spent thinking of what you are determined to accomplish.

:-)

Student Talk / SAT Site, a website for getting exams and books for free? [14]


Yeah! They want to make their money!! However, some older editions of texts are available as "google book results."
Always google the full title and author's name, and see if Amazon has a "search inside" option or if the book is a google book result.

Undergraduate / "A plane trip we took from Germany to London" - UF admission essay [19]

Mustafa, be careful about how you use your talent.


Setup is a noun when you write it as a single word.


This would all be excellent help if you weren't so mean. The fact that you are mean, though, betrays your real intention, which is to show off. Someone of your eloquence has the necessary higher order thinking skills to know what will benefit and what will discourage. That's how I know you are not really trying to help.

Besides, I made mistakes like this when I was 13. This writer has a lot of potential, so I hope your showing off does not discourage her.

Erin, I wonder if you are the sort of person who welcomes harsh criticism. If you are not now, you will be in the future as you collaborate with peers. Mustafa enjoys harsh criticism because of being a good writer. The truth is that everything he said here is indeed correct, and it's a great discussion of some very important concepts. So, are you enlightened enough to put your ego aside and benefit from the advice?

Undergraduate / Personal Statement for Application to Undergraduate Bionengineering Program. [7]

Separate the 2 halves of a compound sentence with a comma:
Fortunately, WPW Syndrome is one of the few causes of sudden death which can be cured, and recent advances in medical ...

Put a period at the end of this sentence:
...my heart's AV node would most likely have left me with a permanent pacemaker at the age of eighteen.

Okay, I think you should add a thesis statement after this sentence:
tachycardia and, rarely, sudden cardiac death. (add thesis statement that expresses the main message of the essay).

Paragraph 2:
Though discovering that I had a heart defect requiring surgery added tremendously to the stress of an already challenging senior year I also benefitted benefited from my experience. I enjoy the challenges of math and science...

College is not a proper noun here:
My respect for the College college grows as I investigate ...

It's understandable that you would feel passionate about this subject! Congratulations, I think this will impress them...

You might want to refer to some recent articles to show that you are continuing to read about the latest advancements, as I am sure you are due to your genuine desire to become an expert in this field.

Student Talk / How can I contribute to this awesome website? [40]

Alright, I guess I have an idea that might help.

You should choose a sentence that is well-written, like this one:

If you have taken this exam, or if you know how to make up a good essay for a short time, please tell me your secret!

Now think of variations:
If you want to be wealthy, or if you want to have a good job, work hard in school.
If you want to visit India, or if you want to live in India, learn about the culture.
Of you want to write a story, or if you want to be involved with people who write stories, go to a writer's group.

This is how to choose one sentence and practice variations.

What sentence will you use?

Try try give me a variation of this sentence:

Some people like to live in a big city, but other people like to live in the country.

Here is one variation:

Some people like to put pepper on their ice cream, but other people like to eat ice cream with cheddar.

Can you write another variation? This is how to master sentence structure.

Writing Feedback / Essay on organ donation and genetic screening for philosphy [3]

Rajveer, we're so privileged to have another great participant helping to make these threads excellent.

Division23, whjat is up with the strange spelling of "fetus.?" Maybe it is something I do not know about, but I think is not is not foetus, as you wrote. Fetus

While the decision to abort a foetus fetus or not is a very difficult ...

Are you trying to use apa style? do it like this: (Lippman, 1997, p. 17)

Do not do this for apa style: (pg. 17)
Just use p and a period:
(p. 17).

The writing is excellent. I googled around to see if it was copied from a professional article!! You write very well...

Research Papers / Siblings vs only child: Early Childhood studies [5]

This is the most fascinating subject of the week, I think!

Well, the thing to do is collect several articles by searching your school database for these words:
"only child" siblings empathy

then do another search for:
"only child" social development

By using these searches, you will find a lot!!

Read one article, and write one paragraph about how on of the questions might be answered based on that author's ideas.
Do the same with the next article.... one article = one paragraph in your paper.

Essays / active citizenship in a global context differs across continents - introducation [7]

Rebecca, I understand what you mean. You must allow yourself to write a paragraph about any article you read that is relevant.

Then, do the same thing for another article.

You can put them in the right order later. Do not try to start with an intro paragraph or thesis statement. When an essay is hard, begin by writing ONE sentence about ONE article.

Read an article about this:
Ireland social activism
Also
Ireland social reform

When you see someone taking a stand and making a difference, write about it.

If you can find any articles at all about active citizenship, you will find ideas. For example, if you find articles about environmentalists, you might get the idea to search the database for:

Ireland environmentalist

Or, search for Irish social issues.

When you find one article and write one sentence, you are off to a good start. Ad an example to support that sentence, and soon it will be a paragraph.

Write one para for each article.

When you have 5 articles, you'll have a great paper taking form.

I really hope you do well, good luck!!

:-)

Writing Feedback / people visit museums when they travel to new places; 'curiosity about ancestors' [4]

A museum is place where people can see history, culture and creativity. There are many reasons that people People like to visit museums for many reasons.

Additionally, people like to know more about local people and their history.

People always visit to see artists' work there.

As a result, a m useum is one of the best places to spend holidays with children and ...

Very good!! Your writing is almost perfect.

Scholarship / Mention LOW SALARY on the Scholarship Personal Statement? [4]


Yes, I think this sounds very good and lets the reader know that awarding you the scholarship will make a meaningful difference.

"Although I am working in a company, but I cannot make ends meet on my salary " -- This is good, too.
or
"Although I am working in a company, the expenditure cost of tuition in addition to other expenses amounts to a sum that is higher than my income."

Writing Feedback / developed countries help the third world countries [4]

... are cut off from the outside the world by..

The expression is "on the contrary"...

This results in that a developed country always stays staying in a superior position rather than poorer countries during the negotiation of an international trade.--- very good point!! Is it really helping them if developed nations make sure that they profit from the endeavor? In the long run, economies of developing countries often suffer after aid is given.

This is well written!!

Writing Feedback / Write about anything we feel effects our world [6]

Men and women, too. "People" is a better word than "men." Too often, we use languag in a way that marginalizes women.


Our future is a question? That is intriguing, but this idea needs more explanation. Maybe you mean our future will be determined by the answer to a question of...

...throughout across the globe, but we must not assume that future generations will achieve it. Our generation has much yet to live through, much more to see. However, we have still learned much thus far.

Use semi-colons like periods. A semi-colon works just like a period, with a complete sentence on each side of it. In this sentence, use a comma instead:

As children, we did not know of such past history, but we did know of tears and of fear.

This is an awesome adaptation of the quote: An eye for an eye, in the words of Ghandi, has made and will continue to make us a blind world; a world ignorant and nonetheless unaware of the suffering of others.

you are great! essayforum.com/ef-contributor-page/

Writing Feedback / Is it always essential to tell the truth, or are there circumstances to lie? [5]

Here is one situation in which it is better to tell a lie than a truth.

...just for better personal feelings but also for a better world.--- you wrote this paragraph very well. I think that is called a "little white lie."

I can think of a better example, though. When someone wants to harm you, a lie can help you to protect yourself!

The father does not want his son to be scared then screams to get the enemy's attention, so he lies to his son. ---- I like this example very much, but this particular sentence does not make sense. the father does not want the son to be scared when the screams are heard, so he lies to his...

I like the way you think, because it validates me. I lie sometimes, too! The truth is, lying can sometimes express truth better than truth can, because people misinterpret truth. If you know how someone will misinterpret, you can lie to compensate! :-)

Writing Feedback / My Friends - a Challenging Paragraph [7]

This is a great idea for an assignment! Tell your prof I think s/he is very cool and smart.

He was totally obscure, and he preferred to be low-key all the time.--- this does not show that you know the meaning of obscure.

He preferred to be low-key all the time, opting to be obscure and avoid the spotlight.

got is a bad word to use here:
Actually, that type of personality affected him badly because he got made no connection to the environment around him.

Ha ha, I think hating women at all is too much, so "too" does not belong. Unless there is an appropriate amount of hatred to feel toward women:

In fact, he hated women too so much because he could not obliterate the memory of a bad experience from the past.

Your last challenge is to revise the use of intrepid so that the context shows that you know the meaning! :-)

Dissertations / PhD in Indian Retail Sector -help in giving a proper shape to the Synopsis Topic [3]


I think it should have this for a title:
Analyzing the Factors that Should Influence any Retail Company's Choice of a Business Model

Well, like Ershad implied, we can't help with the structure until you paste it here. Also, your school may have particular requirements.

This seems like a very broad topic. you might have to focus on a particular model or a particular PRINCIPLE that should be applied while choosing a model.

You could compare two models.

I suspect that you are having trouble writing the proposal because you do not know how to construct a research proposal. Often, the good way to do it is to use these headings:

Introduction
Statement of Problem
Research Questions
Hypothesis
Limitations...

Do these sound familiar to you? Google this:
how to write a research proposal

I look forward to helping!

Writing Feedback / ILETS: Description of a camera [3]

This is some great writing!

I found a run on sentence, though:
At the sides it has two cylinders, one of them is empty and another has a reel inside. --- Can you see how this is a run on sentence? It seems like it is not a run on sentence, because the 2 parts contribute to the same idea, but actually you need a period or semi-colon.

At the sides it has two cylinders. One of them is empty, and another has a reel inside.
or
At the sides it has two cylinders; one of them is empty, and another has a reel inside.

I think you should add one more sentence to the end... a sentence that is about what the device looks like rather than what it does. You did a brilliant job of describing what it looks like, but you should probably end it with a sentence about what it looks like instead of what it does.

Undergraduate / I observed an ESL class, and wrote down a journal about that. [3]

this is quite good already with ust a few areas for improvement. Oh.. I like Azeri's advice about verb tense. Also, I think resolved is a better word here than "solved" ...

also:
First one was the listening activity; the teacher ...

You can notice that the teacher jump jumped from ...--- I think verb tense is what you should work on. Your writing is great, though!

Here is a good place for "perhaps"----> Perhaps some students needed him maybe to clarify some points or ...

He ended the class by reminding the ...--- again I see that azeri already caught this error. So.. work on cnjugating your verbs1 That is the hardest part. :-)

Essays / Help writing an Interest Essay [the Medical Diagnostic Sonographer program] [6]


Well, they can post here 24/7 but we may take a day or so to respond! :-)


This is a strange use of "intellect." Phil's idea of changing it to interests is pretty good, but it still is not quite right to say it "matches." The word compatible might work.

they all form and play an exceptionally vital role --- "number agreement is a rule that requires you to use roles here instead of role.

they all form and play exceptionally vital roles ... but actually, you are just saying something general about various organs, and then you randomly mention a particular glad arbitrarily. Not good. Get focused on your CENTRAL MESSAGE. A central idea that will be memorable to the reader is what is most important. What is your theme?

The first paragraph is too general. You should brainstorm about way you are choosing this over all other possible professions. That is very significant!! What is it that makes you want to do this. Anatomy is fascinating, but so are a lot of other things. Dig deep, and find someting for that first paragraph that will surprise the reader with new insight. You can do it! Draw from whatever it is that is inspiring you to pursue this field.

Writing Feedback / IELST essay : "learning by doing" or through books and teachers. [5]

This is a great thread! Everyone really gave some excellent help...

Here are some ideas:
Many language teachers agreed that two best ways to learn a new language are
through reading books, attending a language center, finding a language teacher, or "learning by doing" through conversion, communicating with native speakers, etc. But no one knows for sure which one is best.

Above, I showed you how to list several things with matching "ing" endings.

A lot of people think the best way to learn a new language is to be forced to use it while being "immersed" in a culture where the language is spoken. You are "learning by doing". Therefore, they immerse themselves, they find to speak with native speakers, or even go to foreign countries to learn that country's language.

In my opinion, there is no best way to learn anything -- not only learning a language, but learning anything at all, because everyone learns slightly differently. However, some ...

Very good, you have only small unimportant errors.