Essays / active citizenship in a global context differs across continents - introducation [7]


That is a good point that I had not considered. Good call!
Thanks, Ershad, for all you've been doing here.
Please consider joining the contributors essayforum.com/ef-contributor-page/

Rebecca, what seems to be giving you trouble with this?

If you need to write about it, search your school's library database for:
global active citizenship

Write a paragraph to tell about one of the article. Just describe what the author said.
Do that for a few articles, and then go back and add an intro para with a good thesis statement.
Do you have questions?

Undergraduate / "A plane trip we took from Germany to London" - UF admission essay [19]

This is an interesting thread.

...travel club trip to Europe that summer. After this, I think you should give the thesis statement and then end the first paragraph. Set the stage for your meaning to be conveyed to the reader. Do this before getting into the story.

Then continue and tell the story in paragraph 2:
We were all ready for our first stop...


This is excellent, very cool.

Hey, this essay does not suck at all. Sometimes it's hard to find the right words to critique an essay. It would possibly seem superficial if you had not done such a good job of explaining that theme: looking beyond surface appearances and not harboring prejudice. Yet, it will be even better if you give a UNIQUE insight into this truth. So far, it is still simplistic.

End the essay with an unexpected insight that the reader may never have thought about before.

:-)

Writing Feedback / 'You didn't build that?' - Luck has nothing to do w/ success [7]

I am agree with given statement, "When people succeed, it is because of hard work...

I agree with the statement, "When people succeed..."

Usually it is best to make sure a noun comes after the word "this."
The main reason behind this belief is that, at all ages, we are trying to achieve our goals.

However there are some people whose experiences made them believe in luck; successes they have seen made them believe that luck goes hand in hand with hard work.

Success comes to with those who hard work hard. It might come late, but with hard work success is guaranteed.

:-)

Scholarship / Scholarship Appeal Letter for not meeting credit and grade requirements [2]


oop, watch out for this!

Oh, I see that ershad already caught that... This is some great work, ershad thanks!

It was never that difficult to make and maintain good grades while also enjoying a well balanced extracurricular life.

Okay.. I think you should end the first paragraph sooner, and be sure to end it with a powerful sentence that tells the reader the message you want her to remember.

This sentence needs a little work:
My mindset when I first came to college has changed ...
My mindset has changed significantly during the time that has passed since I first came to college...
... believed alumni from my International Baccalaureate Program, ????? stating "If I do well in IB, then college will be easy and u do not have to try." --- I don't know how to fix it! :-)

I like that conversational tone Ershad mentioned. Keep working on the essay! Let's see some improved drafts.

The closing salutation should have lower case letters, except for at the beginning:
Thank-You Sincerely,

Thank you sincerely,

:-)

Writing Feedback / Giving money to sports activities is as important as giving money to libraries [6]

There are many arguments on study verses sports. As In my opinion, Universities universities should give the same...

There are many reasons to support my opinion.

I get
she gets
you get
they get
While sitting in In seating one place, students get back pain.

eye-related
Watching television and reading ebooks on the computer create eye irritation and other eye-related problems.

Few clubs
One club
Many clubs
There were very few private sport clubs and...

The first reason
the second reason
The third reason is to improve the university's reputation.

This is very good, but keep practicing to make it perfect!

Writing Feedback / Extracurricular activities bring various benifits to both students [2]

...adequate funding to students' sports and ...

.. various benefits to ...

both students and the universites universities themselves.

Firstly, If if a university invests as much money in extracurriculars as in its classes and libraries, It will graduate well-rounded students, which is the goal of every university. Students do not go to school just for learning things in the textbooks. While improving their minds, they can also improve their social life lives by participating in extracurricular activities in school. For example, they need to have ...

use a spell checker. fulfil fulfill

You have some excellent sentences! I think you should work on the rule called number agreement. For example, at the end you should write, "Sports and social activities help colleges and universities to graduate active students, and also these..." (Number agreement means that you put singular with singular and plural with plural. A student has a social life, but students have social lives.

Graduate / SOP for admission in Ph. D. program in Mechanical Engineering at Canada [6]


The first paragraph is great. I would not want to see you use any more paragraphs of story, but starting with that one is okay. If you can reduce the number of words or omit one sentence frm that para it will be even better. I think it's great, though.

:-)

Writing Feedback / Doing a job with hands or with your brains? [4]


It sounds strange to say you have aptitude in thinking. Use this to be specific:
...special aptitude for methodical thinking.

You write very well! Vikram has great suggestions, but actually you do not have many mistakes. I think the suggestions are good, but they are mostly suggestions and not corrections.

A better way:
In addition, the jobs which need require more thinking and...

:-)

Writing Feedback / Chronic fatigue and depression in USA vs Asia: Reasoning of an argument [4]


You are making a new assertion here. It's not necessary to do this. The most important thing to say is that their logic is faulty. A correlation exists, but not necessarily a causal correlation.

Other factors are also at work, and I think you showed that very well. Nice job. Another point you might mention would be a point about how they could have improved their argument. For example, if they show good evidence about the benefits of soy, that'd be better!

:-)

Writing Feedback / Victims in five different age groups in Venezuela - Table chart [3]


I see essays like this sometimes. It is to describe a chart that is shown on a test.
:-)

Here is an idea:
It can be clearly seen that the robbery was the biggest numbers of accounted for the largest number of crimes and mainly focused on the second and third age groups.

nigligence negligence

This was a run on sentence:
The highest number of victims belonged to robbery. M ore than 4500 victims happened during 15 to 24 age group. --- I fixed it! :-)

Writing Feedback / Educational benefits of computers [4]

Phil, you are making this site a better place and promoting your service in a very cool way. I'm glad you're participating!

Here is some grammar/punctuation help to go with the help pertaining to the thesis.

In conclusion, Computers computers... no need to capitalize it!

In conclusion, computers have become an essential tool for ...
"computers" is plural. "tool" is singular. The rule is called "number agreement." The numbers have to agree, so put singular with singular and plural with plural:

In conclusion, computers have become an essential tools for students, and without them academic work would be wearying. ---- I MOVED A COMMA, TOO!

:-)

Use an apostrophe:
...and helpful for students' benefit.

Writing Feedback / IELTS : Attitude of students is the main reason for many problems [2]

Hi Choi, It;s nice to have you participating here. I saw another thread where you were giving feedback about someone's essay.

Maybe you should write shorter sentences to avoid errors. Short sentences are nice. Keep it simple.
Also, use a spell checker!

:-)

In the present age, it is a common sight that many teenagers are showing their bad attitude in public places. Some people are concerned deeply about this.

Espacially Teachers are especially concerned, because they are dealing with them all the time. Some teachers say that they can not control their students anymore.

This sentence needs a verb. Can you think of a verb to add to this one? -------> Whether the school system has been caused this problems or something else?

Determining whether the school system or something else has been the cause of the problems is difficult to do.

The children had were forced to learn patience ...

The parents should guide them strongly in the proper way and make some strict rules of behavior. --- I agree! :-)

Scholarship / Scholarship question: How has performing arts effected my life? (493 words used) [6]

Excellent advice from Linmark, I was going to say that, too. The first sentence is very confusing.

I see some good corrections from ershad, too. Ershad, I think you are an excellent new participant here, thanks so much for all that you have been doing!

please check out

essayforum.com/ef-contributor-page/

You could do this, Jestina:
I have never been to Broadway, and if a quiz on stage parts was given right now I would fail, yet performing arts has given me confidence to always be myself. I have built my concentration skills for anything I do, and I enjoy a community of support.

Okay, Jestina, you have lots of potential as a writer. I think you write like an actress, if that makes any sense at all.. as though you are reading your lines. I like your use of billion. Good word. BUT I think you should start this essay over.

Is that terrible to say?

I want you to think og 3 points you want to make to support your ONE MAIN MESSAGE for the whole essay. Make each paragraph about 4 or 5 sentences for 100 words (approximately), and WRITE 1 PRAGRAPH FOR EACH OF THE 3 POINTS YOU MAKE.

Start each paragraph with a topic sentence. Google this: topic sentence
One paragraph = one idea. I want to see this rewritten as 5 paragraphs with one intro, one conclusion, and 3 body paragraphs.

:-)

Writing Feedback / 'You didn't build that?' - Luck has nothing to do w/ success [7]

From born birth until death we works work vary hard. In childhood, we were learning walking and communication with others. At a younger stage, we studied hard to achieve marks and get jobs.

good sentence! ----> If we depend on luck, we will never get what we want in life.

This is a good sentence if you use a semi-colon:
To become a scientist, doctor, or engineer, we have to learn and do research; then only it is possible.
The semi-colon is used like a period to separate 2 sentences that belong together, expressing the same meaning.

In first attempt, we might be fail to get satisfy our expectation, but in second or third or fourth attempt we definitely get success.
I know there ...

Success comes only to those who are doing hard work.

Might it get late but It might take a while to arrive, but it is sure that with hard work we will get success. ...

Oh, I am sorry you lost the $100! :-) Well, it's only money...

:-)

Letters / ILETS: informal letter to the London Information Centre. [3]

Recently I have been told that I entered the university in Scotland. That is why I have to be there in a month. I have already got a ticket and I will have two-days stopover in London.-- This part is too long.

Recently I have been told that I entered have been accepted to the university in Scotland, and on my way there I will have two-days stopover in London.

However, my time in London cannot be very pleasant not having without accommodation.

When you use many, it is for something that you can count, like the stars. There are many start.
When you use much, it is for something that cannot be counted, like water. There is much water.
I would like to visit as many much attractions as many as possible.

Could you please give some advice what places I should go to first?

:-)

Student Talk / How can I contribute to this awesome website? [40]


Yes, do just what linmark said.
you have to look for the button that says "NEW THREAD."


Well, if you are talking about good grammar, you need to learn by reading good essays. Here is one:

https://essayforum.com/undergraduate-2/sop-hkust-build-language-heritage-15957/

If you are talking about good writing, though... sometimes grammar is not the most important thing. You need to make the reader have a powerful experience.

Writing Feedback / IELTS essay: Factors Contributing to Job Satisfaction [5]

Hey, it is pretty great that Cathy wrote one, too. You two are getting good practice.
Cathy, usually it is better to start a new thread when you post an essay but in this case I'll leave these two in the same thread.

Most of the time, whenever people look for a job they think about their long term future. Therefore, it becomes imperative --- I took out "as such." as such means "because (something is a certain way). In this case, therefore is better to use.

In other words, they must be satisfied with the job they want to spend their life on.

Here, you need the word incompatible:
Working in a field incompatible with one's educational background may involve several adjustments with which some people may not be comfortable. --- You are not supposed to end sentences with prepositions. Not a very important rule, though.

:-)

This is well-constructed sentence:
The extent to which workers can expect job satisfaction may depend on the location of their work. -- very good.

Correspondingly, most time of our lives will connect involve the job. For individuals, whether a job brings individual's satisfaction or not, it plays an important effect on personally happiness and enjoyment.

Besides what is mentioned above, there ...

But Overall, I think personal education background, interests, as well as salary occupy a majority of percentage among the factors of job satisfaction.

:-)

Graduate / Letter of Application to Graduate School Rehabilitative Counseling program [6]

Jestina and Ershad, thanks for your work. You really gave some sincere feedback.

Christine, you have a nice way of writing.

Here is a misplaced comma:
I began reading the first page, and before I new it I was on page 92 and completely submerged in the author's story. --- see the subtle difference this makes... with the comma in a different spot? Use a comma to separate the 2 halves of a compound sentence.

My educational objective is to walk away from Thomas University knowing that I am prepared to assume the position of a Professional Counselor. --- this is good, but it could be better...It could name areas of specialization and specific accomplishments you hope for.

So with that, I am drawn to gaining certification in Rehabilitative Counseling through you write so well, I think you can come up with a more meaningful first line for the last paragraph. Don't use 'so with that."

:-)

Undergraduate / I've been shy for as long as I can remember. [4]

But a kid as shy as I was could fade into the background, unnoticed.

The story about football is excellent. Your descriptions of introspection are also excellent. This essay is refreshingly genuine and sincere.

Every one of your paragraphs ends with an excellent sentence!

My personality and character won't fit inside the confines of shyness. Nor will they fit inside a closet.---- This is great, but let's make a better connection to the introduction:

first paragraph:
It was only after when the guests have left, I would return to my normal self. As I grew older, I kept parts of my personality hidden in that closet, unable to be myself in social situations.

last paragraph:
My personality and character won't fit inside the confines of shyness, and they won't fit inside my grandfather's closet.

Scholarship / "Tell us what makes you a good college student", missionary work topic? [4]


If you have a plan for the future, that is a great topic. Most students are just going through the motions of school, not really looking to a plan for the future. So, I think it is great to write about your plan.

I don't know if missionary work is too religious or not. It depends on what is important to you. If you are passionate about your religion it might be best to go to a school where such a topic will not be "too religious."

What are your intellectual interests? What special skills and knowledge do you want to acquire in college? Let the reader know your plan, because your plan is what makes you a good student. Tell about your plan and any steps you have taken to enact it.

Writing Feedback / P.S:Meet me"You know where " (chapter two), Reaching the lake [2]

You have some excellent sentences. It is great when the franticness of a frantic scene can be expressed through frantic sentences, like that first one. You successfully got my imagination to want to know some more. However, the story will be easier to follow if you use paragraphs. Look at how paragraphs are used in novels that you like.. to separate dialogue... to introduce a new idea... etc.

Writing Feedback / Children spend too much time on computers; IELTS [7]

Nowadays, most South Korean families have their home computers, and therefore many children are affected by it from very young age. The children ...

First of all, the computer may be not only is more than just a piece of electric equipment; the Internet was introduced to us many years ago.

The children are not necessary do not need to get help from their parents while they are doing homework, because they could can find information of school works any time on the internet Internet with the computer. It is more convenience convenient and not as time consuming as going to the library.

Even though Even though these benefits are significant and the computers are being used in a positive way, some people insist that the computers have a negative consequence for the children.

Writing Feedback / Story: Meet Me 'You Know Where', Reading an unknown letter [7]

I'M SORRY! :-) No, it's interesting, and I'll read more if you post more.

I was correcting a mistake:
I cannot take it anymore, to those people who murdered my...

ha ha, sorry for the confusion...

Writing Feedback / His name represents the basketball. Michael Jordan was a legend. [4]

That is a good point made by Phil. It will be more powerful if you do not start by saying "I want to meet Michael Jordan, because I love playing basketball." Instead, say something like this:

I want to meet Michael Jordan, because I love playing basketball, and the way he plays basketball shows that he is ________, _________, and _________.
(Can you fill in the blanks with adjectives?)

First of all, when I was a kid, one day I was watching a basketball game on television. That was my first time being exposed to know Michael Jordan, and I was so shocked. Michael Jordan has ...

...he has completed many practice sessions to perfect his skill.

That was encourages me to do more practice on in basketball and show the skill in the game.
Second, Michael Jordan has done set many records. He led his team to win NBA champion many times. I love ...

:-)

Writing Feedback / Pie charts, comparing the sales of books [5]

This first sentence is a tough one:
The two pie charts show information about sales at the Famous Book Store during 2001. Sales are shown according to book categories and categories of buyers (i.e. gender and age groups). --- this is how I would write it. It's hard to explain!

Linmark, I was confused by some of it, too. Maybe this part refers to % of total sales:
In terms of age group under 25 and over 50, women consumers occupied equal shares of 14% of total sales.
Anyway, that is why the chart is useful. It is hard to explain the information!

Student Talk / How to study in America? [7]

Well, many students study by going to all-night parties and watching a lot of T.V. Many students choose not to study hard, so you can do better than them! Even if you are still struggling to learn English or find your place in America, you can do very well if you study hard.

I hope you get a lot of responses for this thread. You might want to go help people with their essays and then link them to this thread.

:-)

Writing Feedback / "Eyes On the Road" - Writing task for Emotional and physical journey [3]

You can say in "your" or on "ones," but if you use ones you need "he or she"
In one's lifetime, she or he comes across hurdles and obstacles, problems that require solving, risks
that must be taken, decisions that...
This is the way to do it from the third person perspective.

Like life itself, a road can take you in many directions; some are unexpected, some are unintentional, and
some are just temporary pathways...

I think the expression is "all the while" and not "all a while"

This is a nice sentence:
I discovered that no matter what road you travel, at some point you will come across an
intersection at which a choice must be made. --- i think it is okay to use "you" in this paragraph, but usually it is better not to use the word "you" because it seems like preaching to the reader.

:-) this is great, full of wisdom. The mistakes are minor. Make sure to capitalize the first word of every sentence an check those typos.

Writing Feedback / I will live in small village. There are many reasons. [4]

Hi Vaishali, you got some great help here. Let's see a new version with those errors corrected, and we can make additional improvements to your writing.

They leave from home to office early in the morning to go to the office. Then, they come back late at night.
or you can write:
They leave from home early in the morning to go to the office, and they come back late at night.

Graduate / I have always dreamed of having a job where I could care for and help others [11]

HAD is not necessary here:
As a child, I had always dreamt of a career that ...

By the end of my internship, I felt that by becoming a physician's assistant, I would be able to take care of others to the best of my ability, and I had developed a new interest in ___________ (what areas of medicine most fascinate you? Show that you are going deeper into the field already and forming your own specializations).

I can tell you are a methodical thinker! the reader will be impressed with this, I'm sure.

suggest switching all this to the present tense:
My education, as well as other experiences, has instills in me...
Through my experiences, I am learning that there is...

I would write those last 2 paragraphs in the present verb tense.

Research Papers / "food safety in the commercial food industry". help with thesis statement [4]


It depends on what you want to say. I believe you should start by writing a sentence about something you read in an article about food safety. Make that sentence the topic sentence for a body paragraph, and build a paragraph after it.

Repeat that process until you have a few paragraphs, and then reread it. Ask yourself, what is my main idea? Put that idea in a sentence and make it the thesis statement at the end of the first paragraph.

If you try to choose a thesis statement BEFORE you read some articles, you will have to SEARCH for articles to support your thesis. Make a thesis based on the articles you want to read... after you read them.

Writing Feedback / It is a paragraph, Are Zoos morally wrong? [10]


It is difficult to make this point, because you say the fact that we can learn things makes it so that it is not morally wrong. You could learn things by imprisoning me and making me explain about grammar and composition, but that would be morally wrong. You can't say that the fact that we benefit from something (i.e. learn many things) makes it morally acceptable.

One great argument you make is that some species are endangered and we are about to protect them. That is a good way to make this argument.

Your last paragraph is pretty nice!! Yes, overall I think this would be improved if you argue about protecting endangered species and argue that zoos can care for animals without making them suffer and without keeping them in solitude.

:-)

Undergraduate / Pre-Med: Transfer my study to dentistry and change of major [6]

I had envisioned to become myself becoming a dentist because of the ____________. (add an explanation about why, and let it be a theme for the essay. Maybe you should even refer to something from this first sentence when you write the last sentence of the essay) Aside from the encouragement ...

Unfortunately, after my high school graduation I was faced with hard financial problems that had forced me to attend the nearest college University Quisqueya, and choose from the majors it had to offer.

No comma necessary here: This has not in any way deterred me from ...

I am fascinated with how each student is socially involved both on and off campus, the diverse possibilities of extracurricular activities, and most of all I am looking forward to with the opportunity to experience other environments that are not as similar to my own.

Writing Feedback / Story: Meet Me 'You Know Where', Reading an unknown letter [7]

Sindy, a twenty-five year-old girl who works

I cannot take it anymore...

This took me into that world a little bit, even though you wrote only a small amount of material. I like the idea for this story and the fact that the main character is a writer. Do you already know what will happen and how it will end, or will you find out the ending as you write?

:-)

Research Papers / About the differences of lifestyle around the world: Vietnam, Thailand, US, Korea [3]


Here is how to do it easily!! :-) I know what you mean about "too much info."
forget Thailand Korea, and the U.S., and just google about Vietnam.

Write some paragraphs all about Vietnam family structure.

Then, start over with the next country.

Only when you have done this for each country can you go back and write a good introduction paragraph. When you have written about every country, you will think of a great thesis statement!

:-)

Essays / overseas nursing programme: how to write a perfect academic essay? [2]

I am not an expert about the test, but I hope some people in these forums will be able to tell you more.

I can tell you how a perfect essay can be, though.

First sentence hooks the attention.
Last sentence of first paragraph is a meaningful, memorable, arguable thesis statement that is specific enough to be interesting.

First sentence of each body paragraph is a topic sentence that makes a point of observation that shows that your thesis is true.
Second sentence of each body paragraph explains what you mean.
third sentence gives an example or quotation.
fourth sentence reflects on the point made in the topic sentence and/or uses a word that will be used in the topic sentence of the next body paragraph (i.e. makes a transition).

Each body paragraph is like that.

Finally, write a conclusion.

**** Post your writing here so we can correct your errors!

:-)

Writing Feedback / Bar Graph description (coffee and meat consumed in selected countries) [2]

It will be clearer this way:
The bar graph compares the amounts of coffee and...

Let's add one more sentence to the end of that first paragraph. Make it an astute observation that can be a theme for the whole essay.

:-)

You write very well. add a new dimension to this by giving one additional sentence at the end of some of the paragraphs. Tack on a sentence that shows that you take a particular perspective on the info; for example, what are the implications of this info for the people in the coffee and meat industries?

Writing Feedback / To what extent do you agree or disagree?---modern & traditional building [6]

accompany = "go with"
so do this:
accompanying the population exploration explosion...

:-)

The Governor was accompanied to the palace by a militrary military escort.
yes! and it could be written simply like this:
The Governor was accompanied by a military escort.

The military escort was accompanying him.

Essays / Comparison and contrast between two people you know - essay [8]

Cool, Nina! That is a good start.

This assignment is all about showing that you understand the nature of compare and contrast. One paragraph tells what is the SAME about them. The other tells what is DIFFERENT about them.

For paragraph 1:
Amy and Tony have some common characteristics. They both like to go to the...

For paragraph 2:
Even though Amy and Tony have a lot in common, they have several differences, too! They prefer different kinds of music, and their ages are very different, too.

Add more sentences to each of these as you practice to compare and contrast.

:-)

Essays / Argumentative essay (5 different subjects) need hook, thesis, topic [4]

I'm sorry it took so long to respond to you!

Okay, you need to know how to mount a strong argument. First, decide what you want to say about each of the 5. For each, write a perfect sentence that expresses your main idea. We will build the essay around this sentence. This is the thesis sentence.

After writing that thesis sentence, write a hook... something intriguing that catches the attention. Then write a sentence to explain what you mean by this "hook" sentence.

Put the hook at the start of para #1, and put the thesis sentence at the end of it.

Next, write a topic sentence for each body paragraph you will write. Google this: topic sentence

In the second to last paragraph, talk about the opposite argument, why they are wrong and you are right.

Finally, write a thoughtful conclusion in which you really feel free to artfully express yourself about this truth you are conveying.

Let's see some of your writing!

:-)

Writing Feedback / TOEFL: Important to be able to work with a group of people or independently? [5]


Your teacher is right. If the 4rth thing is last, it is better to say last. But actually, to me it seems just as good to say fourth sometimes.

I am going to tell you five steps to writing a paragraph. First, make sure you think of one clear message you want the reader to remember. Second, write a sentence that expresses that idea. Third, you should add another sentence that gives an example or more explanation. Fourth, you should go back and precede those two sentences with a topic sentence. Fifth, go to the end of the paragraph and add a conclusion/transition sentence.

In this case, it is good to use fifth instead of last, but last is okay, too.
Notice that I do not use the ly.
That ly is terrible! Just write first, second, third, fourth,...

:-)