Student Talk / How can I contribute to this awesome website? [40]

thanks!!!


Yes, so...

Attention ESL Students!
If you are a student of ENGLISH AS A SECOND LANGUAGE you can write a few sentences about what you think when you read someone's essay, and it doesn't matter if you make mistakes.

Writing Feedback / Traffic congestion and ways to reduce it - Compare paragraph - What's better? [5]

In my country, people often struggle for position while driving and don't stay in their lanes so that everything becomes a mess. ---- this is the correct way. :-)

Writing Feedback / NARRATIVE PAPER: on a lesson learned (sports). Question on comma placement. [2]

You can always make writing more powerful if you express the same size idea in fewer words:
Many of Life's lessons come with age and years of from experience in many different diverse situations, but However when being young it is often hard for young people to recognize those lessons during a challenging experience.

The way you wrote it was excellent, but overweight. I put that intro on a diet for you!

Use during:
am out to beat during my next trip to the river.

This is great! I suggest adding a thesis sentence to the end of the first paragraph . Let it be a sentence that plainly stated the lesson you learned. Can you express it in a sentence??? :-)

Grammar, Usage / What is "Memorandum of Advice"? [3]

You'll have good luck googling this How to write a legal memorandum
and this:
how to write memorandum of advice
I wish I could tell you how to do it, but this is not my subject. Did you get some readings in class?

Memorandum of Advice example
Memorandum of Advice template

Google these!! I am finding lots of good pages. Thanks for participating here; I wish I could be more helpful. Probably you are supposed to follow a particular format suggested in your text or by the prof.

Are you planning to be an attorney?

Essays / What is the more important natural or nurture [7]

Yes, that is some great advice. This is a big question: Is your personality determined by your experiences or by your "innate nature."

Nature: Are you YOU because of your parents' genes, and perhaps because of your "eternal soul?"
Nurture: Are you YOU because of the stuff you learned from experience.

I'm not going to tell you what I think about this. What do you think?

Google this and write a paragraph about each of the 2 arguments:
arguments about nature nurture

:-) That will get you started, and we'll give you feedback. Obviously, BOTH nature and nurture are influential, but which do you think is more influential?

Poetry / a poem of the senses + an acrostic poem - assignment on poems [6]

Too simple!!
Easy for me to say when I don't have to write it.
Let me be honest, though, and say it seems
Like a lesson for little kids as you say what each letter is for.

As an alternative...

Subtlety is what you need.
Each line can play a role in explaining a particular concept.
Concepts are hard to explain, so we rely on the reader.
Readers embrace the concept more when you make them work.
Effort to understand is what the reader contributes.
Tell the reader something she or he will work to understand.

Scholarship / About Reginald Spain, describe your academic or career goals. [3]

Reginald Spaine hasn't had it easy. We j oke that he my father belongs on the series GoodTimes because it seems he always 'keeps his head above water' no mater how many the odds are stacked against him. He is my motivation to succeed, my rock when I fail and the star of my pipe dream. (This part must make your father feel very proud.) My ultimate career goal is to someday write my very own a novel -- one that stars a hard-working man who travels from Sierra-Leone to Russia, to England and to America with ...

Perhaps he perseveres because he is strong or because he's put all that behind him and put all his hopes and dreams into his daughter ...

Three important ideas for you:
Separate this into 3 paragraphs. Don't write "my very own." It's important to add more about your career goals.

Yes, I think you do stray from the topic. You can make your dad the theme of the essay, but be sure to explain your detailed plans. Take out the word possibly, because it makes you sound unsure of your ideas. Be bold! :-)

Undergraduate / Pre-Med: Transfer my study to dentistry and change of major [6]

This is some fascinating discussion from Tim. I'm privileged to gain this insight from you...

I hope you get inspired to write soon! I know it can be hard when you don't know what to say.

The most INTERESTING and IMPRESSIVE topic for your essay is a PLAN you have for the future. Don't be too philosophical, but instead present a specific, detailed plan.

Give the essay memorable theme by repeating one cool phrase from the intro when you write the conclusion.
Paste it here, and we'll help!

Letters / English Proficiency Letter - writing ideas? [2]

Maybe you should write about the instructions in your college. Remember this:
one paragraph = one idea
one good sentence can be turned into a paragraph with a few sentences of explanation and example.
one essay = one BIG idea made up of the smaller ideas in the pararaphs.
The BIG idea of the whole essay is given in the last sentence of the first paragraph.

I can't wait to see what you write! :-)

Undergraduate / Essay on what is important to me (people, places, music)- a concluding paragraph? [3]

From The people I know, the places I visit, and even the music I listen to all means mean something to me.
The very first thing that comes to mind when someone asks me what is important to me is a list of the people that are important to me. My sister, Krista, i s by far the best sister I could ...

Very nice!! I like your way of writing. For the conclusion, I hope you'll talk about the way all these material things and people support what is important to you because of the way they enable you to actualize your ideals. Your ideals are also important to you, and they are at the foundation of all this external stuff.

:-)

Scholarship / Diploma in Graphic Design - scholarship personal statement [4]

Thanks A.!!

At the meantime, I have always... In the meantime, I have always...

Today I hope.
Yesterday I hoped.
Tomorrow I will hope.
At the beginning, I only hoped to apply for ...

The main purpose is to enhance my work with the powerful skills that I am about to learn.

:-)

Student Talk / How can I contribute to this awesome website? [40]

Now, we have nothing left to do but ask you to publish an article.
or
Now, we have nothing left to do except ask you to publish an article.
or
Now, all that is left to do is to ask you to publish an article.

maybe it should be "the" article instead of "an" article?

Scholarship / Becoming a diabetic nurse: explanation of educational goals for a scholarship app. [3]

My purpose for returning to school is to recapture a dream that I once had in high school. about ten years ago. As I was graduating from high school i in 2000, my future appeared very bright. I was the ...

I fell in love, and became pregnant, and dropped out of school with the intention of returning as soon as possible. Well, I did not return to school until this year.

I am glad that I have had a chance to experience life before I stepped back into a classroom, because I am ...

Excellent enthusiasm, the writing is great.. i guess if it was my essay I would add some discussion of intellectual topics in the field of diabetic nursing. Show that you are keeping up with the discourse in the field. You'll have to do some research and maybe read some articles and see what kind of national organization exists for diabetic nurses, etc... professional journals? Read some articles and show off your knowledge.

Also, congratulations!

Letters / Post doctorial position of chemical/material engineering engineering -cover letter [4]

You're welcome! If you have time, provide other people with feedback sometimes here, and check out essayforum.com/ef-contributor-page/

We want this to be a great online community. Thanks for your kind words.

Writing Feedback / TOEFL: Important to be able to work with a group of people or independently? [5]


Nesreen corrected this by changing it to "discussing." That is great, because discussing is a noun form of the verb "to discuss." I wanted to help you master this by showing some examples.

Some people enjoy working alone, because they do not like to discuss the work with others. --- this way is correct, too.

"I like discussing essays." = "I like discussing essays."
They mean the same thing.
I believe it is important to write. = I believe writing is important.
Swimming is hard. = It is hard to swim.

So, that is good lesson on how "to verb" = verbing

Undergraduate / "Learning in the Classroom" Peace Corps Application (Cross cultural) [2]

The day I really felt that I had become a teacher was when on the day I started working at Blodgett K-8 School. --- just an idea...

...one of these students had a different story to tell, some happy, some sad, and some that words couldn't even describe.--- excellent, I love it!

This does not make sense...
I still remember one student J.L. who was one of the cleverer, but mature I remember one particular student who was ___________ (complete this sentence in a way that is simple and clear) . She was also one of the most ... was the victim of one of the worst cases of child abuse the state had ever seen. (add one more sentence to tel what you learned from this. Then, end the paragraph.)

What I learned most of all from t My most powerful lesson from this experiences was that even though...

:-)

Writing Feedback / It is a paragraph, Are Zoos morally wrong? [10]

Moreover, many things can be learnt from animals in the zoo. We can learn about community from the bees and about affection from watching the way the mothers of baboons act towards their babies.

Secondly, it improves the sense of our responsibility towards animals. -----I guess this is sort of true. We see the animals and it makes us want to preserve their natural habitats... even though these animals do not get to live in their natural habitats.

I guess this essay would be better if you gave more discussion of the counterargument, so you can show that it actually is not cruel.

But relly, it is cruel, right? Maybe you want to argue that it is JUSTIFIED.
Also, you might want to call it a "necessary evil," because the benefits outweigh the drawbacks.

If you learn the fundamental principles of utilitarian ethics, it can help you make your argument. Just google utilitarian ethics.

For the record, i disagree, ha ha. I hate zoos. I hate seeing birds in cages, especially. What dark irony to keep a bird in a cage... :-)

Writing Feedback / GRE AW ISSUE hunger, unemployment vs art [2]

The speaker asserts that using public resources to support the arts is unjustifiable when starvation and unemployment exist in th is society. He or she may base the assertion upon the fact that food, clothing and basic skills are needed to survive are the fundamental needs of human ...

Ooh! It's not good to say we need to eliminate the hungry, ha ha. Eliminate hunger.
To begin with, except in a utopian society, the hunger and unemployment can not be eliminated totally.
that is a funny mistake. :-)

It is common sense, that in a society, there is always someone cannot get a job -- sometimes because the economy is not good; sometimes simply because one does want to work. So is hunger or the lack of the basic skills needed to survive. (does not make sense. )I concede that the government must set a ...

Moreover, some specific kinds of arts can function as some industry to provide job opportunity. ...---- ahh, here is the good argument!! Very good!! I'm impressed. This is the argument I was hoping you would think of.

You get an A+ from me, despite some small grammatical errors I found.

Dissertations / PhD Topic Efficiency and Productivity of Out Patient Departments [9]


This is most important. Do not just google it, but also search your school's database for articles that have these terms.

When you find articles that had these 2 terms, you know that you will get a good example of the way to do case study research.

If you choose case study design, you can only focus on one case or a few cases. You'll have to analyze interview data and learn people's opinions. That is just one way to do it.

Then, add a new search term:
Outpatient Departments case study

See what other people have done and what they used for their research designs. You need to read several studies and understand them before you can write your own.

When you write the proposal, use the school's guidelines. Often, the proposal consists of chapter 1 introduction, chapter 2 lit. review, and chapter 3 methods.

Read at least 5 research articles by other health care researchers. That HAS to be the first step, and then you can learn from them and see what you prefer. It won't take long before you are a pro! So, read some articles and let's discuss their research designs.

:-)

Essays / Play better than anyone else - how to tackle this topic? [4]

Well, if you think it is a nice topic, you probably have something you want to say about it! Know what I mean? I hesitate to say what I would write, because it might make you take my idea instead of what you are naturally inspired to write.

Start with one sentence. Write one sentence that expresses this idea in a different way.

Think about why someone would apply this. Is it the game of business? The game of politics? The game of baseball? The game of office politics.

Proceed by writing a few sentences that are really honest and simply, not too philosophical. You only can use 3 paragraphs. One intro, one body, and one conclusion that reflects on the implications of the thesis in the intro. So just choose one idea, once situational context, and really enjoy it. 3 paragraphs!

:-)

Undergraduate / Relate your interest in studying at Georgetown to your goals -my Georgetown Essay! [3]

I want to make history in places in which I know I will thrive.

Hey, this is really an impressive essay. Your history book theme is great, but mention that history book one more time at th en of the essay.

I also think you should add a sentence to each paragraph and maybe change each paragraph's topic sentence so that with each paragraph you are talking about how, specifically, your interests are best served by Georgetown. Talk about how you will use the school's resources to pursue your interests. That is what i think they mean when they say "Relate your interest in Georgetown to your interests.

However, I seriously like this essay because of the great way you explain things.

Poetry / a poem of the senses + an acrostic poem - assignment on poems [6]

Spelling: too many children playing in the park
I like this line: no one likes to be alone in the dark

Spelling: everybody likes to be with their family at Christmas

yellow canaries sitting on a purch.---- good image!

Oh, I see that you used it to spell your name... very cool. It might be more meaningful, though, if you spell a meaningful message -- a word that expresses the theme of the poem.

:-)

Scholarship / MSc in Tourism management course - Essay for university scholarship. [7]

Yes, that is what I think is best. When you show that you have a plan, it really proves something. Many students are unable to envision a DETAILED plan, and I think the students who deserve the most opportunity are the ones that do have a clear plan. Students who are driven are inspirational.

:-)

Undergraduate / "I love to draw, create shapes and make them into works of art" - college application essay [3]

I love to draw. I love to create shapes and make them into works of art. I love to solve and construct drawings for hours. I love to look at drawings of other creators and learn new ways to become better by other artists and learn their techniques. I love c Color, patterns, and a sense of style -- art is what I love. (now add a sentence that gives this essay a theme. What do you want your essay to b about? About finding practical applications of art in the business world? About creating art for its own sake? About understanding life through art?

Don't capitalize team:
Duo,pair,Team team -- these are the words that I can easily identify with .

When I was a child, mother would always see me drawing. My mother encouraged me to explore my talent and never stop. Without my mother 's encouragement, I would have stopped drawing .As a nurse ,my mother truly showed me with hard work and responsibility, you can be anything you want to be.

My father once told me, "Wi th anything you want to do in life, you must have an education,because with an education you can get a career.

When I was in high school, I had a teacher that influenced my passion even further. His name was Mr. Juen. Mr. Juen showed me how to use programs such as Adobe Photoshop. I knew how to use Photoshop before, but he showed me little tricks and advanced techniques to further my skills. Throughout the semester of Mr. Juen's graphic design ...

When I was done with done with the animation, it was the greatest feeling of my life. - this is a great sentence!!

During all the years of my...

This is very good. The writing always has room for improvement, but your seriousness and enthusiasm are apparent. It is very impressive that you can express yourself so well about this love for visual art and design.

Scholarship / MSc in Tourism management course - Essay for university scholarship. [7]

You are an agent of facilitation in an age of multiculturalism and a grand shrinking of the planet. As advances in transportation and communication shrink the world, you are called to manage processes and mitigate those inevitable growing pains, the aches and injuries that accompany change.

Tourism management is all about coordinating the mutual benefit of people -- helping people to have experiences, make money, avoid being exploited, and preserve their culture and resources.

You are entering a meaningful field, so you probably have a plan... a mission to describe to them. That is worth a scholarship.

Writing Feedback / The city v small town-county - Comparison-Contrast Essays [3]

Some senior citizens prefer being as much as far from the city as possible -- in the suburbs, or small towns, quiet and peaceful neighborhoods.

Let us think for one moment back in the old days, where there was no cars, no sirens, and all we could remember is ...
... not too many people, and much more ways to relax and been away from the noise, and the anxiety of the people.

Going on a trip to the center city these days it has being has become a nightmare, with the busy streets, cars all ...

The constant pressure and noisy streets make people look for a way to relax.

These has have
Here are the correct ways:
This has..
He has...
I have...
These have...

...find a local recreation center. This provides a new way to have your family involved in the community.

There is much...
There are many...

There are much many more ways to pass time, such as having a walk around the park or driving or walking to the play grounds with your kids.

.. Houses far apart from one another force you either to go over or call to see you're next neighbor.

You have a great vocabulary an writing style, but you still have mistakes! Keep practicing, reading aloud and writing! :-)

Letters / How to write a good recomendation letter? (MS Program) [19]

If you want to help the teachers, you can write a list of your accomplishments and describe your plan for the next 5 years.

However, I think kevinshin1124 is right, no worries!!

Sometimes teachers post letters of recommendation here at EF so we can correct their English.

Sometimes I have written letters of recommendation myself and asked people to sign them!! That is dishonest, though...

:-)

Graduate / SOP Msc Manufacturing management Bradford University. [2]

...found a course that comprised of not only all the engineering but also the management in Bradford University for only one year. The end of this sentence seems unclear... I crossed it out and don't know how to fix it!

It is said that we are in the information age, and truly we are, but some countries in the world have reached that stage but most 3rd world countries are either in the agricultural age or industrial age or both. ---use commas when you write a compound sentence. I shortened this one for you.

I like the last paragraph. Capitalize Internet. I guess you should take away material in the 4rth and 5th paragraphs. There is only so much the reader can remember, so develop a memorable theme in the beginning, and cut out a lot of the material that does not relate to it. You can't express all of this in 300 words... so choose the idea that is most important to you and cut away all that does not support it.

:-)

Undergraduate / "reaching out to others has benefited me" - Peace Corps admission essay help :) [6]

Trim away the weak first sentence:
As a college graduate I have discovered how reaching out to others has benefited me.
Just replace this with an inspired sentence, and it will change the whole paragraph. :-)

This next sentence is very good! Maybe the essay could start like this:
I was born and raised in America, I got to live in my parents' home country Pakistan for two years during high school where I got a lot of exposure to the culture. It was a familiar...

...focusing on global issues let me explore the globalized world and the intercommunication of ideas and people from all over.
(new paragraph)
So knowingly, The Peace Corps would be a perfect opportunity ...

This expectation represents my reasons for wanting to join the Peace Corps and, while I know that the work may prove to be arduous, I have ... excellent ending!! You'll be well-received, for sure...

Undergraduate / APPLICATION FOR STATION POOL/ NC's QUARTER [2]

Respected S ir,
Capitalize both words in the opening salutation.

With due great respect and humble submission I beg to state the following few lines for your kind consideration and favourable action. please .

My both children are both grown-up and ...

In view of above plea, you are requested that to please sanction the ...

I don't really understand the nature of this, but I corrected the errors I could see. The words are very eloquent.

:-)

Writing Feedback / Valuing of past is a must; shorten getting knowledge time, avoiding mistakes [3]

Hi all, I am intending to take the..

...and it inspires us in our daily lives.

Learning about the past can help us to shorten the time it takes to get knowledge.

The Human knowledge was accumulated through many generations.

Furthermore, the past can also inspire us in our nowadays contemporary lives.

From the above discussed reason, I strongly affirm that treasuring the value of past is a must with us since it can inspire us in our daily lives, shorten our getting knowledge expedite learning, and help us to avoid the mistakes.

I agree, this is a great argument. You have a great vocabulary and interesting sentence structure. Spend time reading English aloud, because that it the only way to really figure out when to use "the" and other strange things. You are fluent, now, so fine-tune your skill.

:-)

Graduate / SOP for geoenvironmental engineering at cardiff university [3]

I wish to pursue a Masters of Geoenvironmental Engineering at...--- is this the way they write the name of the degree? I think this is the correct way...

After two months of work in this department, I was

During my 8 month work in SOCAR, I practically saw first-hand the oil producing regions of Azerbaijan, and now..

Geoenvironmental engineering is a growing field, and I feel that the brilliant education of your university will really enhance my career prospects.

This is very god already! I am impressed. If you want to make it better, cite some recent articles about the industry. That will show that you are keeping up with what is happening in the industry. :-)

Undergraduate / "born to and raised to Russian immigrants" - Peace Crops Essay (reasons, expect) [3]

Being born to and raised to Awkward...

Raised by Russian immigrants, I have always held firmly to the culture and traditions that I have come from associated with my heritage. At the same time I have come to realize that there is a strong disconnect ...

use a comma:
Nevertheless, it has made me grateful for everything I have been given, and I strive to make something out of it.

No need for a comma here:
I do not expect to change the world and have never considered myself to be an idealist.

Nevertheless the values that my parents have instilled on in me make me want to contribute to the world, even if the impact is only marginal.

...not just academically, but also in their personal development -- the same way that my parents opened those paths for me.

It is for that reason that while the third expectation of the Peace Corps is the one that concerns me it is also the one that I want to meet head on. ---- good sentence!!

Writing Feedback / Positive and negative aspects of globalization - two-edged sword [3]

Great corrections here!

Proof is a noun, so you need prove instead as a verb.

The facts do something (a verb). The facts prove.

Also, a common expression is "in the meantime..." not at the meantime.

When you use the word aspect it is almost always followed by "of," because an aspect is a part of something. We can bring about consequences, but not aspects... not really.

So, instead of talking about bringing about aspects, do this:
Due to the existence of both positive and negative aspects of...
Or
Due to the existence of both positive and negative consequences brought about by globalization...

Essays / Is anger ever beneficial? outline/essay [6]

This thread has some interesting ideas!!

I recommend a book called "The Molecules of Emotion" by Pert.
I also recommend Yang Jwing Ming's work about Qigong, because it talks about the way to "raise the spirit." Anger does the same thing that in Qigong and Chinese medicine is called "raising the spirit," so I think all the benefits of it are actually the benefits of raising the spirit, which is a byproduct of anger.

Yet, you can raise your spirit without anger.
Anger is what we call one of the feelings we have when the mind disapproves of the situation and expresses it by hurting us and causing that unique kind of pain associated with anger. Other such emotions are fear, grief, etc.

So... do some reading about emotion, and then you can create an outline based on 3 or 4 topics that support your main idea, whatever that turns out to be.

Speeches / the Class of 2010: A Little Help With My Graduation Speech [5]


No, it's your honor, because you are talking about standing there doing what you are doing. Sorry! I think you need to change the first sentence, or... change it so that you compare 2 honors:

But the greater honor is the one we all share as members of the graduating class of...

No one, graduating today, got here alone, and this day is a celebration of our collective achievement. --- this is a great sentence, but the first comma is unnecessary. No need for a comma after "no one." Oh, nevermind, I forget this was a speech! Put comas wherever you want.

:-)

I love the discussion about the generations!! Excellent...

This seems a little daunting, but if there's one... ---- I recommend scrapping "don't you think"

Listen to your friends. Let them ... wings. Only together can we become a splendid generation. For a generation is not the success of one individual. A generation is, by definition, a band of brothers. ----I dislike this whole paragraph. It's preachy, and then at the end your phrasing excludes women, and a generation is not defined in any way that suggests a band or brothers.

I wish you all the best of luck in everything you do. boring!! This is a great speech. End it with a version of this closing salutation to the audience that is original... perhaps something that refers to the theme you created. Wish them luck in manifesting a uniquely great generation.

:-)

Undergraduate / Essay for Texas A&M (documentary on North Korea by Lisa Ling) [4]

That's a big leap.
Well, I wonder if you would be giving up the last few years of high school with good friends. If you do skip the rest of high school, don't rush into adulthood! Spend 6 years loving life as an undergrad before going to grad school, and that'll make up for losing 2 years of fun in high school. :-)

Here is a tool to take with you:
Any time you write a long sentence, check to see if it could be 2 sentences if it wanted to be. If so, it needs a conjunction. Like this one I corrected:

North Koreans live in fear. They can be sent to prison for five years ...
or
North Koreans live in fear, because they can be sent to prison for five years ...
Because is a conjunction.

Here is another great secret: read Diana Hacker's books for student writers. That'll save so much time and make you an expert!

Writing Feedback / ielts "When people break the traditions of their predecessors they advance more" [3]

Making Taking the next step of development creates a need to put aside traditional culture and experience. Cross-cultural interaction promotes society's advancement morally and politically. ...

Use a spell checker:
Staying traditional , humanity has not been allowed to further its sophistication and has lived in caves instead of comfortable houses. Philosophers state that any development needs to add new progressive features and qualities while eliminating the old and useless features.

All nations, even only few people are alive nations where only a small number of people live, have their own impressive ...

To sum up, breaking traditions of predecessors is essential...

:-)

Book Reports / rhetorical analysis "Letter from Birmingham Jail" [2]


These correspond to the 3 aspects of classical rhetoric:
They are pathos, logos, and ethos. Actually, though, ethos refers more to the status of the speaker than to ethics.

... was put into in jail...

This first paragraph is very good!!!

Through his language and rhetoric, he is able to turn the words of the clergymen back on themselves. --- good observation. You better use examples to support this.

Although King uses logic, ethics, and emotion throughout his whole letter his use of logic and emotion with the assistance of imagery, really brings his letter to life and shows his point of view to the world. --- you better use good imagery examples...

make the first sentence of a paragraph the topic sentence:
In the beginning of Martin Luther King Jr.'s the letter, King begins by addressing the fellow clergymen about their words.

I see that you do give examples of turning rhetoric around and also imagery. I recommend saying "imagery words" instead of "loaded words," because it will work just as well and support your thesis.

:-)

Undergraduate / "my dream of modeling" - college admission writting--special talents, interests [5]

I have many goals. --- This intro is not particularly strong.

...and the other half -- well, that's where Ohio State comes in. ---- I added a dash to this, but really I don't like this intro. I'm sorry to be critical!! I just thin you should try a different idea, something that introduces the reader to what you are all about. What is your area of study? Choose your identity. :-)

I took the year 2009 off from ...
I don't think modeling is relevant to what you are writing. It's important to show that you have a real interest in biochemistry. You didn't even say why you are choosing this major. If you have a plan for what you want to do with the biochemistry major, describe it. I also hope you'll refer to some current research that has been done in the field so that the reader sees that you are following the story of 21st century biochemistry research.

I hope I didn't seem like a jerk about the intro! Just being honest. Try to come up with something that expresses your vision for success.