Essays / Prompt for "Examsmanship and the Liberal Arts" by Perry [9]

I note that this essay is available online: people.fas.harvard.edu/~lipoff/miscellaneous/exams.html.

I would strongly encourage all who come to this thread to read it, if they have not already done so, even if they have no intention of commenting on it here.

Beyond that, why do you not at least make an attempt at understanding the prompt on your own. Break it down into its component phrases and words, define key terms, and see if you can translate it into less academic English. Then post your results here, and we'll let you know how you have done.

Book Reports / Analytical essay on A Rose for Miss Emily [4]

Why not start with a point form outline in which you list the symbols and Gothic elements you wish to talk about?

Writing Feedback / GRE argument--Prescribe medication on men and women [3]

Ah. I see that the author's account has been suspend, and so will withhold comment.

Undergraduate / Crippling an Insect (My Common App Essay) [9]

Hmmm . . . I'm sort of torn about this essay. On the one hand, you are working with an analogy that is actually decently written, which is a bit creative and original. On the other hand, coping with the reality of your mother's illness should be a deeply emotional, personal topic that you can write on powerfully without reference to the beetle incident, which seems insignificant by comparison. Also, the analogy doesn't really work all that well. You draw a comparison between the beetle and your mother at various points, both suffering from fates they didn't deserve. But the analogy doesn't work so well on other points. For instance, how does one interpret your claim that "When I saw it had survived, I hit it a few more times to be sure it was dead," in symbolic terms without being vaguely horrified?

Writing Feedback / Critique my essay; American Sports : Sportsmanship or to win at any cost [12]

By the way, the usual procedure when editing an essay is to revise for content first, then grammar. The reason for this is that if you alter the content, you might end up deleting or changing existing sentences. So, if you had edited those sentences for grammar first, you would have wasted your time, since they would then be gone or altered enough to need more revising for grammar anyway.

Writing Feedback / Qualities to be a good and complete student [11]

The thing is, what you should do depends very heavily on the level of proficiency you are striving for. For a TOEFL essay, this isn't that bad. It just needs a few grammar tweaks. For an essay written for, say, Grade 12 English, your grammar needs a lot of tightening, and you would want to go into a bit more depth than you do here. For a GRE-level essay, you would need to start over, looking at the various categories of qualities that might exist, as well as making sure to define "student" in your introduction. For instance, you might consider whether intelligence and native ability are important qualities. What about personality traits? Overall attitude? Do these three things connect? If so, how? So if you are just writing to improve generally, then you might as well aim at the highest level, and try writing a more detailed essay, I suppose.

Writing Feedback / Should government withhold information?--A GRE Issue topic [12]

Grrr . . . I hate it when I comment on people's essays, and then they go and get themselves suspended for refusing to help others. How does one expect to get away with being a free-rider in a system where everyone's level of contribution is a matter of public knowledge?

Undergraduate / What appeals the most to you about our school - My admission essay [8]

If you are sticking with this essay, you need to add far more specific details to demonstrate your general points of praise for the university, and you need to tie those details in to qualities about you. The essay absolutely must be about you, as well as about the school. After all, the admission's people already know about the school . . .

Essays / Choose your own topic essays? [9]

Yeah, that's pretty much the standard way of writing intros for academic essays. Occasionally you'll get teachers who want you to start with a hook, which is annoying. A work of fiction needs a hook. An academic essay interests or not primarily based on its relevance to the research needs of the reader.

Undergraduate / Fascinated by the business world (Ryerson essay) [5]

Your essay is too honest. You grew up in a business oriented family, and so are pursuing a career in business. Ryerson grads have an easy time finding a job, so that seems like as good a place as any for you to attend. You do not say, though the reader is likely to assume, that Ryerson is also fairly close to where you live. I know it has a reputation for being a bit easier to get into than many other universities. So yes, like many students the course of your early life is shaped by your family's desires and proclivities, and your choice of university by where you think you can get in combined with the job-finding value you believe a degree from the institution offers.

I suppose, one day, this will be what admissions officers actually look for in an entrance essay, but for now, the notion that students should be passionate about their subject matter for its own sake still holds sway.

Writing Feedback / Qualities to be a good and complete student [11]


Yes. TOEFL use a much simpler structure, as they are really meant to test proficiency in English, not critical thinking ability.

You still haven't told us why you are writing this essay. That information is sort of important, as it determines what sort of feedback is appropriate. An essay that would be a model of perfection for a TOEFL essay, for instance, might well be too slight to be at all good for a GRE essay.

Writing Feedback / Critique my essay; American Sports : Sportsmanship or to win at any cost [12]

What a wonderful list of unsupported statements you have here. What say you go through and add some specific examples to act as supporting details to back them up, then repost?

Undergraduate / What appeals the most to you about our school - My admission essay [8]

I'd edit for grammar a bit, but since I'm going to advise you to start over, I don't see much point. Ask yourself what you want the essay to say about you (intelligent, dedicated, etc.), then write it in such a way that it does. At the moment, all I can tell is that you get bored easily and are capable of a sycophantic level of insincerity. At least, that's the impression I got. It might be inaccurate, or even wholly wrong, but that doesn't matter -- you need an essay that gives the reader a much better first impression. You might try reading some of the other essays on similar topics that have been posted here to get an idea of how you should approach this essay.

Undergraduate / 'my close friend Jacob' - UF Essay, focused enough? Looking for opinion on it. [12]

I prefer Carpe Jugulum, myself.

Writing Feedback / Purpose for earning more money should not become the main goal for us - toefl essay [6]

The grammar remains so rough that it is very difficult to follow what you are writing.

"Some people believe that a ton of money is the only incentivedynamic to drivethat will drive people to work so hard. But some others think that working for a corporation with little entertainment and amusement is too boring to bear it, even if withone earns an admirable salary. Also, these opponentspeople claim that money maybe useful in merely purchasing things, but that it isare disabledincapable of buying happiness directly. In my opinion,While the significance of money should not be neglected, and the pursuit offor earning more money should not be accusedcondemned, we should try to find out a balance between earning money and pursuing happiness by avoiding that workingthat consumes too much of our time."

Start with subject verb agreement, tenses, and prepositions. Mastering these will greatly improve the clarity of your writing, grammatically speaking.

Graduate / Jamaican in Japan (First Draft) [5]

You seem to be on the right track with this. A couple of minor things:


I like the way you lead in to your main academic interest, but why in the name of whatever deity you believe in would you want to introduce war into countries already frayed by conflict? I can only conclude that either A) you are a horrible person, or B) "War" is the title of a Bob Marley song and you just forgot to include those all important quotation marks that would make that clear to the reader.



But if international relations is a zero-sum game, then such a world is impossible. I see the contrast you want to make, but you need to rephrase it so that you are actually saying what you mean.

Undergraduate / Applying to college after a 10 year absence; Non-traditional Student [5]

Good essay. Normally I advise people not to dwell on the negative aspects of their prior education, but it has been so long since you attended school now that the low grades don't seem particularly important compared to your life experience. Your conclusion seems a bit rough, compared to the rest of the essay, though:


Really? You haven't set any other goals for yourself in 32 years? I doubt this is true. Even if it is, you don't want to say so here.


"freedoms" is the wrong word here.


I see what you are trying to do here, but it doesn't work for me. After all, you said the same thing earlier on. Admittedly, you weren't as confident, but your being there (the question you are being asked) is not actually in doubt, near as I can tell. Then again. I'm a bit tired at the moment, so my judgment may be a bit off on this point.

Writing Feedback / The idea of having a single career is becoming an old fashioned one. [2]

"The technology's development brings about many changes in our society, today. One of these changes is the way people think about careers. Having a single career, having further education or having several careers, what is the best way? In this essay, I'm going to make it clear. "

Ugh. The rest of the essay isn't much stronger. You have written an essay on careers without ever mentioning a single specific career as an example. Instead, you talk in broad generalizations, often mangling the grammar just enough to make your statements seem a bit off. Try this again, but this time, ground all of your points in specific, concrete examples that can prove the statements you are making.

Undergraduate / "My passion for hockey" ; extracurricular activity [5]

Decent essay. Descriptive and specific enough, and very much on-prompt. Do you plan on continuing with hockey at university? If so, you might mention this near the end of your essay. If not, can you relate what you learned about being a team player to your proposed area of study?

"As I had not been exposed to hockey before,"

"I have not regretted my decision"

Essays / Choose your own topic essays? [9]

You could post drafts of your practice essays here. The feedback you get might help you improve your essay writing skills for the test.

Undergraduate / 'Corruption in schools curriculum' - Issue of importance - my history teacher [35]

So you've actually learned several important lessons.

1. If you expect feedback from others, you must provide some to them, preferably at the same level of detail you expect from them.

2. If you ignored people's advice when you were revising your work the first time, they are likely to be less inclined to give you advice a second time.

3. If you refuse to provide feedback, and ignore the feedback you've been getting too, then you can expect many posts chastising your behavior.

Undergraduate / My Four Year Old Role Model (Common App Essay) [3]

Not bad. The story is good, as is the lesson you learned from it. As others have mentioned, the essay needs shortening, though. Try revising the essay so that is says everything it does now in about half the number of words, then repost.

Undergraduate / 'my close friend Jacob' - UF Essay, focused enough? Looking for opinion on it. [12]

The incidents you have told us about both have other people as the central character. Why not talk about something that happened to you, instead? Alternatively, you could focus in on one of the incidents you've described, and go into detail about how it influenced you. I'd probably go with the first option, though, personally.

Writing Feedback / Cbest Essay - Proble in Community [5]


Try "Our community, Muirland Community, experienced a rash of break-ins last year" instead.

You have various minor grammatical errors that weaken your essay. I'll leave it up to our contributors to point them all out to you, but I'm guessing, given the nature of the test, that these sorts of errors will be a bigger deal than they would be on a lower level test.

Undergraduate / Common App short answer; At age three, violin was an experiment like ballet and basketball [18]

The sentences are a bit choppy and disjointed, but you would be hard pressed to add transitions while staying under 150 words. You might just want to stick with what you have now.

Undergraduate / "Crossroads" - Common App Personal Essay [10]

The first part of your essay now connects more smoothly with the rest of it. In taking out some of the other details, you have also ended up focusing much more closely on your decision to engage in activism aimed at stopping the genocide in Darfur, which is probably a good thing. However, I would like to see something in the essay that addresses the question of why, out of all the issues you could have become involved in, Darfur was the one you settled on.

Undergraduate / Macaulay - some issue or concern essay [20]

I took your meaning. It's a valid point, but a person who had no obvious works to draw on could reasonably do some reading and answer the question without being strictly dishonest.

Undergraduate / PRATT INSTITUTE ESSAY (why do you want to attend) [8]

Well, that is a fairly accurate description of an exclamation mark, though not the correct term for it . . .

Undergraduate / PRATT INSTITUTE ESSAY (why do you want to attend) [8]

What makes you think they were dumbing it down? Hadn't you noticed that English rarely only has exactly one word for a thing? Try looking up "auxiliary verb" in wikipedia, which list these alternate terms as valid names for them: "helping verb, helper verb, auxiliary verb, verbal auxiliary, or linking verb"

Essays / Questions about starting some sentences.. [7]

Yeah, the vocabulary can change a bit. "Topic sentence" is actually the correct answer for the one you had listed as "thesis statement." "Supporting sentences" works better than "evidence," but I hadn't noticed that there were two blanks, and the term is accurately descriptive otherwise. I'm not sure why "thesis," "introduction," and "transitions" would have been marked wrong . . . did you put them in in the right order?

Undergraduate / Employee Boss Relationship--- UC personal statment prompt #2 [9]

Yeah, you don't have to be an expert on writing to contribute. You can always just write from the point of view of reader instead. What parts interested you? Why? What parts did you dislike? Why? Try to be as helpful as you can, and people on this site will reciprocate when reviewing your own work.

Writing Feedback / GRE issue---Government support or restrict scientific research [4]

Simone's pretty much covered it. I'll add this, though:


The real question is how the government decides which research is beneficial and which is potentially hazardous. Consider the precautionary principle mentioned by Simone. Many very intelligent people believe that this really should be the guideline for determining what research is allowed, even though the precautionary principle is logically untenable (it asks that people prove a negative, which is impossible. The principle is in fact merely Ludditism dressed up science speak, much as intelligent design is creationism hiding under a scientific vocabulary). In these debates, the facts are often in dispute. For instance, the notion that monarch butterflies are adversely affected by GM pollen to an extent that should cause concern has been challenged. Even where the facts aren't in dispute, the interpretation of them is. Some people would argue, for instance, that even if GM pollen would wipe out the monarch butterfly, ensuring crop yields keep increasing to keep pace with population growth is worth it. Likewise, believing that, say, reduced eagle populations due to DDT use is a worthwhile price to pay for millions fewer human deaths each year is a valid position. So, it rarely boils down to a question of "is this technology good or harmful," as the precautionary principle would have people believe, and more often comes down to "are the advantages we'd enjoy from using it worth the drawbacks that will accompany it." This is almost never as easy a question as ideological proponents on either side would like people to believe.

And these are debates that rage over what are at least in part questions of fact. The moral aspect is even more subjective, and incurs even more controversy as a result.

Undergraduate / Macaulay - some issue or concern essay [20]


"The askers of the question"? You mean the author? Tsk, tsk. The notion that written things have authors with intentions is so last century.

Sorry. Couldn't resist. :-)

Undergraduate / Ethical dilemma or risk - "Money solves all problems" [19]


It is a good introduction, inasmuch as it catches the readers attention. I'm guessing you agree with the sentiment, too. It just doesn't really work with the essay that follows it, which is more of a narrative about the importance of doing the right thing even when doing so involves personal risk. Maybe it could be the basis of another essay? I think most of these applications have at least one optional topic of choice prompt somewhere.

Undergraduate / 'Corruption in schools curriculum' - Issue of importance - my history teacher [35]

On the bright side, while this didn't get you any more advice for your essay, you at least learned a valuable lesson on forum etiquette.

Writing Feedback / Access to information about the defendant criminal record - Ielts writing task [8]

Pretty much the way I phrased it. It is in fact the argument that is made whenever a judge debates letting a defendant's past bad acts into the trial. Does the evidence of a pattern of behavior outweigh the emotional bias it will likely provoke in the jury. For instance, in a case involving a serial rapist who is released from prison, and who is accused of attacking another woman using the same MO, the record might well be important enough to allow into the trial, because the record shows a pattern of behavior that the new attack continues. A different defendant, accused of the same crime, whose lengthy rap sheet consists mostly of car thefts and burglaries, might reasonably argue that his record would not be pertinent, as it shows no predilection to rape, but would turn the jury against him.

Writing Feedback / "We found no sign of my mother" - I thought what happened at the night was my allusion [10]

Not bad overall. A few comments:


This doesn't quite work. Rephrase.


Identify you? Or respond to you? If she was suffering from depression, as you indicate later on, presumably she knew who you were, even if she did not feel able to communicate with you.


This is a non sequitur. Being an only child would have made you likely to have more chores to do, as there would be no one else to do them. You might not have taken them very seriously until your mother's illness, but your current phrasing needs reworking.

Undergraduate / "A Role Model in Fiction" (Common App essay) the influence of a fiction char. [15]



I trust you will agree that Christ is a historical figure, something even heathens don't generally deny. But the point is moot, since you're trying to cut back on the religious references. Or maybe it's not. I still have my doubts about mentioning Christ at all, because, really, given what you like about Goku, and the obvious importance of religion in your life, it raises the question of why you didn't write about Christ to begin with, since the prompt does not in fact limit you to fictional characters. Writing about Christ directly would also allow you to emphasize that you are a non-judgmental, open-minded Christian more into the NT than the OT (most everything that is problematic about Christianity comes from the OT, I've noticed). Or, you could expurgate the religious references altogether and go with the essay you have now, which is fine otherwise. But mixing the two doesn't seem to be a great idea.

Undergraduate / "It's not who I am underneath, it's what I do that defines me"--common app essay [16]


While I'm normally a fan of plain speaking, you might want to consider your audience and find a more PC term. I'm pretty sure "retarded" hasn't made a comeback, though it wouldn't surprise me, the way these things go.

Writing Feedback / the multimineral Zorba pill (GRE argumentative essay) [3]

Simone and I have a long-running disagreement on whether it is a good idea to attack the methodology of the studies referenced in prompts in this sort of essay. I say your arguments are not at all implausible, and show the sort of critical thinking that many newspapers that report on scientific studies lack. In this case, especially, the study could have as easily been paid for and conducted by Zorba as by medical researchers interested in following valid methodologies. In any event, all of the things you mention are vitally important to answering the question of whether or not the conclusions stated are warranted, as one of the conclusions is in fact that the pill is effective in fighting recurring ulcers. Also, I see no reason not to reference the author, as it is the natural way to refer back to something that has been written when the name of the writer is unknown. The notion that this is somehow a bad idea is rooted in postmodern theories that you absolutely aren't expected to know about (unless Postmodern English Literature is your main area of specialization) and would be well advised not to take seriously even if you did.

That said, we both agree, though, that the essay should also deal with the logical error usually present at the end of the prompt, which almost always involves some form of overgeneralization or unwarranted conclusion. So, while I wouldn't advise you to replace your current arguments with a discussion of that error, I would strongly urge you to add a paragraph that deals with it in detail.

Also, the prompt talks about Zorba, whereas your essay talks about Zorpa, which is odd.