Undergraduate / admissions essay--WHY DO YOU WANT TO ATTEND NYUAD? [10]

You write very well!! But this essay is full of general ideas, nothing specific to define you.

This is the way to trim away extra words. Words are heavy, weighing the essay down. Pack a hard punch! :-) ------> Since the time i started making plans or and began setting goals for my future, the one thing thought that I had in my mind was to acquire high levels of education which would help me to ...

This is too vague:
achieve those great heights and those great dreams that I have always dreamed of!
Name the object of your aspiration. Explain the dream. Don't just refer to it; explain it.

Here, you again show that you have no plans yet:
In high school, while I was still initiating my future plans, I had one firm or strong thought in my mind: to be in a university where ... meandering brook, but, it is a kind of continuing dialog that assumes different points of view .

I believe that NYUAD would be the first and the most important step ...--- why? You give no evidence.

The idea I have for you is this: You write VERY well, very eloquently, and I hate to suggest that you should change any of these beautifully crafter sentences, but... the way to make this powerful is to come up with a tentative plan or your future. That way, you can tell about the resources and professors at this school that are perfect for helping you to achieve your dream of being... some kind of educator? Some kind of leader? Some kind of writer? Some kind of entrepreneur? Artist? You do not have to commit to a career, but you should come up with a tentative plan. That is the way to define yourself and make the application memorable.

:-)

Book Reports / A creative five page essay using "logos" inKing's Letter from Burmingham Jail [2]

This is a strange use of the word saying in parentheses:
The clergymen had previously released a statement (saying---) King justifies the behavior by providing incidents...------- also, don't capitalize "clergymen."

People are going to react naturally, not wise nor timely.--- I like this idea, but you have to fix the sentence:
People are going to react naturally, not according to some person's idea of what is wise or what is timely.

King cites events like the Boston Tea Party, Socrates (Socrates was not an event. What event are you talking about...) the controversial teaching of Socrates, and even some incidents from the Gospel. (a citation from the bible is not an event)

King is called out by member of society (who said it? It is not okay to say "member of society," to vague) saying that he was an extremist.

:-) This is a great essay on a great topic. You are doing well with it!

Research Papers / Racism in Australia - my report on intolerant attitudes towards migrants [3]

Intolerant attitudes towards migrants in Australia have roots in the Australian gold rushes of the 1850's. ---- is this what you mean? Migrants in Australia? You should not write it as if intolerant attitudes everywhere have roots in the gold rushes... ust in Australia.

Here is an idea. Your way was correct; this is just an idea:
Australians had broken up into five different colonies when the Australian gold rushes started in 1851. Pro spector Edward Hammond Hargraves claimed the discovery of...

Looks pretty good! Where did you get your info? Cite the source by putting the author's name in parenthesis at the end of any sentence where you give a fact you got fro a book or article.

:-)

Writing Feedback / How successfully does the writer of "Climate Change: The facts"... [3]

Today global warming has become a political hot...

When wrting about a reading, use the present verb tense
No need for "that"
It compares the awareness of people at two periods of time. This creates a powerful effect in the latter part of the piece where the author states , that "There is little doubt...

y utilising this, the author is trying to involve and aware the reader and impart awareness on her or him , implying that they and the reader are in the same boat.

In conclusion, the writer has succeeded in raising awareness without being exaggeratedly pessimistic.--- very good sentence!

The author uses many techniques to deteriorate demonstrate to us that

Research Papers / Research Paper on Workplace Gossip - Considering Research Goal [4]


This means your first step should be to find 10 articles all about gossip at the work place.

Before you come up with an idea for your thesis, you need to look at what others have done. When you write a little review of 5 or 10 articles, you definitely will start to get ideas about what questions are being left unanswered.

Just imagine how much easier this will be after you have reviewed some articles. You should read an article and write a para, read another and write another.

When you have reviewed several, you will begin to see a theme emerge. Whatever truth is uncovered in your readings, make that your focus!! It is kind of like a trick to write a great paper easily. With paragraphs about any 5 or 10 articles , some unique theme will naturally emerge.

Another good approach would be to focus on a particular kind of company/organization. You can also outline some HRM interventions that have been used to mitigate the consequences of gossip. With this topic, I would just write about whatever topic emerges in the sources (i.e. articles) I found.

Book Reports / Help with my introduction and thesis statement for A Thousand Splendid Suns [3]

[. . .] does an excellent job of portraying women and their difficulties in Afghanistan even though he is a male. I want to say that he accuratly displays the emotions and actions of a woman through his two main characters

My first impression of this is that it is not complex enough. We all know that his portrayal of these emotions is what makes the book so powerful. If it is something everyone already knows, it is not worth writing about.

So... I challenge you to dig a little deeper and find a very unique observation. It does not have to be profound, just unique. It can be a simple little observation -- anything really. It can be an observation about some aspect of his writing that reveals, perhaps, a certain kind of philosophy that Hossini seems to embrace... or you can observe something about the book that will help readers gain insight into other aspects of life in addition to the oppression of women.

I just read your paragraph, and it is so well-written! You are a good writer. I still say, though, that you can pack a harder punch. Say something bold, something with which others might not agree.

:-)

Writing Feedback / How successfully does the writer of "Climate Change: The facts"... [3]

Today global warming has become a political hot...

When wrting about a reading, use the present verb tense
No need for "that"
It compares the awareness of people at two periods of time. This creates a powerful effect in the latter part of the piece where the author states , that "There is little doubt...

y utilising this, the author is trying to involve and aware the reader and impart awareness on her or him , implying that they and the reader are in the same boat.

In conclusion, the writer has succeeded in raising awareness without being exaggeratedly pessimistic.--- very good sentence!

The author uses many techniques to deteriorate demonstrate to us that

Writing Feedback / TOEFL: Living in a big city has many merit and some disadvantages! [7]


No!! You are correct, I intended to fix that but somehow did not fix it:
This is okay
For me, I love life in a big city.
or this
For me, I love living in a big city.
and this is even better:
Personally, I love living in a big city.

Writing Feedback / Laws should not end up in motley - should give the law makers enough flexibility [3]


This first paragraph should be change a little bit, I think. It's confusing, because you start off by talking about injustice an castigation, and you go on to talk about European domination of other cultures, then about changes in government.

I think the way to fix that intro is to remove the first sentence, because even though it is beautifully written it is beside the point. This essay is not about injustice. You can change it like this:

The sands of time have witnessed injustice innumerable changes that make it necessary to modify and develop laws. and those responsible have been castigated.

Here are some small errors:
...millions of others. Twenty-f ive years later the apparition of the tragedy still scares the people. --- nice sentence!! Nice use of the word apparition. Actually, though, an apparition is like a ghost you can see. Maybe it is better to write this:

...the apparition memory of the tragedy still scares the people.

This is a run on sentence:
Law should not be fixed instead it should be flexible enough to account for various circumstances, times and places.
Law should not be fixed. I nstead, it should be flexible enough to account for various circumstances, times, and places. --- now it is a very nice sentence.

This is great, but I think you should give your thesis argument in the first paragraph, too. Write your argument: Laws should be flexible, and the judicial branch of government should uphold strong moral values.

In order to be a very good essay, though, this has to be longer, because the subject is so complex. It would have to cite sources like Hobbes and Locke, for example, to show deep understanding.

:-)

Undergraduate / "the present-day world is an open world" - UCF bump in the road essay [2]


Add one sentence after this sentence to show that you moved BECAUSE of "a desire to participate in the process of globalization." This idea of taking globalization literally is such an interesting idea!! :-)

Great job, I really like the premise of this essay.

use twenty-one instead of 21.
separate the 2 parts of a compound sentence with a comma:
I was 21 years old, and I was sure that anything is possible in this life as long as you know what you want.
And change so the verb tense is consistent:
I was 21 years old, and I was sure that anything was possible in this life as long as you knew what you wanted. --- it is not incorrect to do it the way you did it, but it sounds nice to the reader if you keep the tense consistent.

at
But I couldn't stand the idea of studying the society without knowing anything but the only place I've ever lived at .

A decision like that is hard to make and even harder to bring it to life.

Lengthen the last few paragraphs by adding a few sentences about the plan you developed for your future. That wll really complete the essay. Be specific when describing your future plans.

:-)

Writing Feedback / gaining knowledge/ More job opportunities; Reasons behind attending universities [6]


No, no, I was trying to say that it is better, much better.

I saw that you mentioned your vocabulary, and I was afraid you felt frustrated, so I wanted to tell you that it takes a long time to build a big vocabulary and that you are way ahead of me. :-)

That's why I said that if I tried to write an essay like this in Spanish it would not be nearly as good as your essay is in English.

Writing Feedback / History leads us to the bright destination in the ocean of social development and revolution [6]

Yes, I think I was talking about the second paragraph, sorry! I see one part of the first line, though, that is incorrect:
which make the study of history something that has intrinsic value. has various values beyond our daily life. --- when we say intrinsic value, we mean that it is valuable even when there is no practical application.

The confusing paragraph
To begin with, in this complicated world, there are ... These kinds of history study may not be relevant to our daily lives, yet the y still have great value beyond our daily life.

I changed values to value, because with an s on the end "value" means something like "a belief someone has."

You know what, my friend? I think the reason I was confused by the second paragraph was that the topic of the essay is confusing. It is just a very hard essay prompt to answer. When they ask if history has value ONLY to the extent that it is relevant to daily life, it makes me think, "All history has relevance to daily life because natural principles are at work!"

Part of the problem was that I missed this question about daily life:
"If I illustrate that ecologist study the history of climate to know how to protect the environment in the future, I would state that this kind of history study may not be relevant to our life, but still has great value." ----- Daily life is all about what we do every day, but it is not a clear term. People can interpret it in different ways. The word relevant is also unclear. In my opinion, the study of history is always relevant because it is all based on natural principles, like the Dao (Way) of Chinese philosophy.

Daily life is what you do every day. It is different from theory. This essay prompt is asking if it is helpful to study history even if the history lesson has no application to daily life, but I think all history lessons have application in daily life, because they reflect those natural principles.

Also, daily life for me is different from daily life for you. We each have a different kind of day. So.. this is a very difficult essay prompt!!

I think you can make it clearer by adding one more sentence to the end of that short first paragraph:
By using the word "only" the author's statement may be absolute to some extent since the study of history could be approached in many ways and be valued in many respects, which make the study of history something that has intrinsic value. (add a sentence that tells why the multiple ways of approaching history give it intrinsic value.)

The study of history has every reason to be valued highly, whether it is relevant to daily life or not.

I agree with your argument that it has absolute value, that the study of history has value even if there is no practical application. Yet, I think there is always a practical application if you can see the natural principles that are at work.

I hope that helps! I think you are doing very well.

:-)

Book Reports / how did tragics in hamlet and king lear changed their future? [2]

Hey, I think you are using the word tragic when you should be using the word tragedy. Tragic is an adjective, and tragedy is a noun.

When you give other people feedback about their essays, you should link them to this thread to get their ideas about this. It's an interesting topic!

The things that happen before are not necessarily causing the things that happen after, but Shakespeare is teaching some life lessons with the actions and consequences.

Undergraduate / Essay for Texas A&M (documentary on North Korea by Lisa Ling) [4]

I have no Idea idea why, out of all the heart wrenching documentaries I have seen, this particular one bothered me.

This teaches younger generations to help themselves and not others. --- wow, very good. You have done a great job with the first part of this essay. Excellent...

Run on sentence:
North Koreans live in fear. They c an be sent to prison for five years for owning a video tape that was not made ...

These camps can be seen on Google Maps; i sn't that nice. North Korean citizens see their great leader as a God; some believe he controls the weather with his moods. Yes, North Koreans go to school to be taught only the essentials of course. They learn what Kim Jong il (their leader) did as a child, and fair enough, they are taught how to read the pro da propaganda their country feeds them. Rations are ...

This is really very high quality writing. This essay is important, I think... something that really is very persuasive, great job!

Graduate / tips for replying for first round selection [2]

Google this: thank you letter example

I think the best strategy is to be genuinely purposeful. There are 2 types of people: the go-getters and the blowing-in-the-wind. If you are a go-getter, you have a plan for the next 3-5 years, and it is based on your philosophy of life. You know who you are.

So, think about the DETAILS of your plan for the future, and turn that interview around so that YOU are interviewing the other person instead of them interviewing you. And in the letter, mention your chosen field, as though you cannot stop thinking about it. When you are a person on a mission, people appreciate you, because you inspire them.

Writing Feedback / Short Essay on High School Scholarship Program [5]

That's funny... yeah, when you have big success with a brilliant online business, you'll have 50K to donate.

Number agreement:
...met many brilliant students who came from low-income families.

Make this one sentence: They could not afford to pay for the tuition fees and the text books, nor could they afford other ...

I believe that this initiative will not only decrease the number of dropouts in my high school but also set a positive example of giving back to community.

Writing Feedback / gaining knowledge/ More job opportunities; Reasons behind attending universities [6]

You should capitalize the whole title:
According to the Longman Dictionary, the word ...

Use " " marks:
According to Longman Dictionary, the word "university" means ...


Ha ha, well.. I have so much respect for people who are bilingual. I know a little Spanish, and if I tried to write an essay like this in Spanish it would not be nearly as good as your essay is in English.

Besides , one of the...
Let's not use "besides" here. Usually, when besides is at the beginning of a sentence, it means the same as "moreover." It usually is used when making an assertion or argument. "You should do it, because I did it last time. Besides, you are more skilled at it."

Another important reason for attending universities is to get more opportunity for jobs. Nowadays, everything technology has developed, and people have to improve themselves according to it. which forces people to improve themselves according to this.

:-)

Writing Feedback / History leads us to the bright destination in the ocean of social development and revolution [6]


I think you should approach the question differently. The first paragraph is very confusing. I think you should approach the question by telling how history is indeed relevant because it reveals principles that are at work to determine outcomes.

That book by Sun Tsu that you mentioned.. it is all about universal principles, natural law. That is a great example. Yet, it is not a history book! It is a strategy book.

So, like Chinh said, you should take another whack at it. The truth is that it IS relevant, and you need to explain how it is. Principles are at work.

:-)

Undergraduate / Obstacle + unique quality (dentist) - UCF Essay, give me any suggestions! [6]

Hi,

This is an interesting field you are entering. I think you can have a great future by getting involved with this kind of technology. Lots of people need prosthetic dentistry. What you need to do right now is come up with a great plan for the future and really DEVELOP that plan. Start by writing something.

:-)

Write something here, and we'll help you turn it into a great sop.

Undergraduate / Brown Supplement- What don't I know? [9]

Here is a challenge for you. Try to write about what you don't know without using the word "know" at all.

That means you have to be very methodical. Write an essay about what you need to know in order to contribute meaningfully to your chosen field. Do that, and you will be impressive.

:-)

Grammar, Usage / Basics of research paper writing [8]

Well you probably already have seen adamssixsigma.com/Newsletters/TQM_six_sigma_differences_sim ilarities.htm

Hey, I use questia and I found a lot of articles about six sigma. questia costs $$ though...

Book Reports / Comparison between Thousand Splendid Suns and The Book of Negroes [3]


Go deeper into the particular observation you are making.
I think this thesis is too simple. Can you say something more precise? It's okay if you narrow the focus the list a little bit. This is way too general, I think. Do you know what I mean when i say you should go deeper into the particular observation you are making.

Writing Feedback / Treatment of Illegal Immagrants - U.S. versus Mexico [4]

Do you mean "lose the reader?"

Book Reports / Daisy (the great gatsby) vs Gertrude (hamlet) "frailty, thy name is woman" [3]

Hi there,

I want to invite you to consider how someone might be frail or resilient, regardless of the circumstances. You are talking about them as frail or strong depending on their context, but I think you can get a lot of good writing done if you look at them... each in the other's context, for example. Mix and match, and you will whip up a very meaningful theme.

Book Reports / Kate Chopin "The Story of an Hour" - a "craft" question [2]


Yes, a critic helps people appreciate art and deeply understand it. Scholars have other ideas. For example, you might want to take the point of view of a sociologist and use Chopin's work as a commentary on the institution of marriage.

Oh, but now I see that you need a question based on literary techniques, like symbolism. Your question about what "new life of spring" represents in the story could be good, but is it too obvious? I don't know the story, I just know that it shows marriage to be an institution that thwarts women's empowerment. Maybe your question is great, but it will be best if you tackle a question nobody else seems to tackle.

I know for sure that if you search a large database you'll get a lot of professional journal articles about this story. It is a famous one.

I just got a lot of great results googling this: analysis "The Story of an Hour"

:-)

Writing Feedback / BARRON'S TOEFL "Advances in transportation and communication" [2]

You need a comma here:
acquired to human beings society all over the globe, and that...

Capitalize Internet.

As well as, (you can't start a sentence with as well as) Additionally, there have been quickly effective communications between ...

In social life, people have communicated and interacted in visible and audible ways around the globe, which expands the knowledge about the cultures worldwide.

Although it has been a double-edged sword like most innovations, after all, people can find their demands like jobs, relationships, education, entertainment and ...

The last sentence is th best!

Essays / My essay is on drugs - start and conclusion [3]


Ha haha haha haha ha, I have never heard that before. You get the Funniest Title Award.

Hey, the disorganization of your essay.. ha ha, maybe it is because the essay is on drugs. We should do an intervention...

Okay... it is good to talk about safe and unsafe, legal and illegal? I don't think so. You need to support your argument that drugs can be "safe." You are right to say it is "relative," but you need to explain some more.

Can any drugs be as safe as, say, driving a car or playing sports? That is how to make the argument. You cannot say anything in the world is absolutely safe because the body is delicate.

Show that responsible use of some drugs can be as safe as other things that are considered safe.

BUT, maybe it is fair to say some drugs, like meth and heroin, are never safe because the brain is altered to make it so that people are sick without heroin, and meth makes people sort of.. like... age at a really fast pace, which just can't be considered safe!

So... explain in your essay how using certain drugs responsibly is safe compared to other activities.

Writing Feedback / GRE: "All nations should help support the development of a global university" [2]

Here is another idea:

In Today, a global university seems to be another Tower of Babel, because now humans are coming together not only with different language but also with different cultures, values, races and religions.

You can say
Today, a global university seems..
or
In modern times, a global university seems,
but you can't say
In today, a global university seems...

:-)

Dissertations / Selecting a Phd topic in Information System Management [7]


I do not know much about Management Info Systems, but I hope other people in this forum will be able to help.

I can tell you about the objectives and problem definitions sections, though.
Google this:
Formulating a Research Problem

Your objectives must be to test a hypothesis, answer a question, make a prediction, or build understanding about one of these topics. The first step should be to read.

Read several articles related to other people's research studies, and look at their problem statements. After you read 5 articles, you will start to think of new problems or areas that should be explored. When you think of these, search databases for articles that tackle the problem you have in mind.

Think about a CURRENT trend in the field of MIS and related fields. Think about a current trend at YOUR place of work. Think about a current trend in a particular business with which you're familiar.

What contribution is made to the field by a research study done by you -- with your interests and knowledge? That is what you have to determine. When Pratibha Jha tackles the current questions in the field, what does he do to improve our knowledge/practice?

All you have to do to get started is read 5 articles that fascinate you.

Undergraduate / Growing up who was my childhood Hero (My Uncle) [6]

It definitely makes sense, and you have a nice way of expressing yourself. The transitions between paragraphs are nonexistent, though, because you could put these paragraphs in any order, as they're all about different observations with no transition sentences to lead from one paragraph to the next. Transitions are the hardest parts of writing composition, because you have to refer to what is coming up next while also finishing up the current paragraph.

Even though they are the hardest part, you can accomplish transitions well by simply repeating a word or phrase from the last sentence of the previous paragraph when you write the first sentence of the new paragraph, which is what I am doing here. I just did a little transition by repeating the phrase "are the hardest part." That helps keep the reader's attention.

I hate trying to write good transitions. Sometimes they are not even helpful... but if you do transitions well it is impressive.

If you write a new version of this with good transitions, I'll send other EF writers to look at this thread and see it as an example. So, do a good job and we will help a lot of people learn about transitions! :-)

Writing Feedback / "An experience you have had that involves controversy" - Narrative Argument [3]


This is such a powerful sentence. Also, the notion of untouchables at the school is powerful. You are a great writer.

I want to make the intro paragraph sleek and to-the-point. You might want to move the above quoted sentence to the beginning of paragraph 2. End paragraph 1 with a sentence that clearly names a CONTROVERSIAL experience that ensued. This way, the reader won't be wondering, 'Where is this going?'

Here is a place you should have commas:
Additionally, my mother, who worked as an aid for emotionally disturbed children, also dealt with many of the same issues which would occasionally leave her worn out before she even got home.

But don't those commas make the sentence choppy and awkward? I hate it...
Additionally, my mother had worked as an aid for emotionally disturbed children and dealt with many of the same issues -- which would occasionally leave left her worn out before she even got home.

Do you see where I sacrificed the phrase "which would occasionally leave".. because it is a better deal to have the brevity of "left" without the specificity. Brevity is important. People's attention spans are short.

:-)
So, look for places you can say what you have to say in fewer words. This punches the reader in the nose and gets her attention.

Book Reports / Jane Eyre Essay (how unfairly Jane Eyre, as a woman, is being treated) [5]


I think most of us know it is happening.

Men sometimes talk about women, like, you know how a woman can be... I guess women do the same, but most societies clearly have oppressed women... just the fact that America has never had a female president shows how terribly oppressive our society is. It's good that all this is changing.

This paragraph you wrote is not bad... it's clear and admirable, and it shows some familiarity with Jane Eyre. However, it is SO simplistic!! I wonder if you really have read the whole novel. Have you? You can read the sparknotes first to help you understand it, but then really spend time meditating on the novel. Get deep into it.

Then, you will rewrite this paragraph to name some specific kinds of adversity she faced and some modern equivalents of those adversities. Do you know what I mean? Just start reading the sparknotes first, and then as you work through the book you'll really appreciate what is happening because you'll already be familiar with the themes...

Google this
jane eyre sparknotes themes

But don't neglect to read the actual book, too!! :-)
also, BTW you should name the author in this intro paragraph.

Essays / ESSAY ON Canadian Domestic Policy [3]

Good advice, Azeri. The place to start is with the readings used in class as a "jumping off point." What has been discussed in the lectures about the nature of a "just society." What historical Canadian legislation or events have been discussed?

They are using "just" within the context of the class readings, so this assignment probably requires you to talk about justice in the readings.

Maybe some Canadians get justice and others do not.

Anyway, start by reading an article and asking yourself whether this writer would say it has become a just society. Quote the article, and tell about what is shows about justice in Canadian society. Then, move on to the next article. It's like building a collection of paragraphs!!

Confucius says, "A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single paragraph."

Writing Feedback / BARRON'S TOEFL IBT BOOK "learning a foreign language" [4]

Yep, at this point in your practice, Nohna, I think you should use sentences that are not too long and not too complicated. That way, you will be able to build a strong foundation for your English writing.

Despite the obstacles of living in a foreign country, this experience is diverse helpful?? --- I don't know what you are trying to say here. Maybe you are trying to say this:

Despite the obstacles of living in a foreign country, this experience of the culture is helpful in learning the language of that culture. For example, living in an English-speaking society will expand the background about the culture and that in turn is influencing the development of language.

Thus, there is no comparison between the two conditions. After all, learning a foreign language in your own country might be the right choice in a few cases like if you take it as a hobby, but immersion in the county where the language is spoken is the fastest way to learn.

:-)

Book Reports / King Lear major essay - Blindness [3]

Cordelia demonstrates blindness, maybe not by being blind to something but by showing other people's blindness in contrast against a sort of wisdom she had. Thinking about Cordelia as one kind of blindness and the villains... like Edmund, as having a different kind of blindness. I think you could actually analyze any characters you want to analyze, and make sure you explain their traits in terms of blindness and clarity. All characters have one kind of blindness or another. The key to getting through this assignment is to have well-developed ideas about the meanings associated with "blindness."

Graduate / Personal Statement for Physician Assistant (what motivates me) [5]


Paul this is a very interesting discussion you gave here. Thanks, we are lucky to have you participating.

I have mixed feelings about this issue. You say it is like a lack of resolve to settle for less than what you really want, but... it seems to me that someone interested in medicine is interested in being a physician.. that being a physician is like the epitome of wanting to be involved in medicine... so... I understand what you mean, but I wonder if I would really be turned off by this next-best-thing approach. After all, a very prevalent category of people who are P.A.s is represented by those who ultimitely want to be physicians.

So, do you know what I mean? I think it is an admirable thing to want to be a P.A. as part of a process toward having that white coat.

Writing Feedback / Government should not limit scientific studies and growth [4]

In your first paragraph, you say the gov should not restrict it, but then you say the gov SHOULD restrict harmful practices. So, you say 2 different things. You should revise that paragraph to be clear about what your argument is.

... be biased and prejudiced toward any scientific research (...) assuming that it's they are meaningless ...
At In the first place, the progress (...) society is made on the basis of ...
... the history of human history of development and foundational ...

... largely benefit is progressed based on the basis of a web system used by ...

... harmless areas of research. in the world.

Keep on reading, and practice reading English aloud so that your sill will continue to improve! :-)

Essays / "The American Dream" - how to start this essay? [4]

Yep, The Great Gatsby is a good one for this topic.

But maybe the assignment has nothing to do with literature at all. Maybe it is to be a good, solid argumentative essay, and it does not necessarily have anything to do with any particular story.

So, think of an opinion you have about the American dream -- one that some other people might not agree with. This is what it means to make a thesis statement that is "arguable."

I have some opinions, but you should use your own. I might argue, for example, that the American dream is a contrived, destructive concept that hurts people by causing a gap between their expectations and reality.

Or, I might argue that the concept is used as a social control mechanism, encouraging people to be productive and pay their taxes on that big house with the picket fence, etc.

:-) Make sure you make a bold argument, figure out what your opponent's argument would be, and then show how they are wrong and you are right!!

Writing Feedback / TOEFL: Living in a big city has many merit and some disadvantages! [7]

Thanks, everyone, for making this a great thread!
Here are a few more idea:
I love life in this big city, but some people prefer to live in a small town and enjoy a rural life.

There have are both advantages and disadvantages to living in the big city.

That will helps help us have a different view to face many things.
Secondly, live in a big city is very convenience convenient. When I want to watching watch a movie, I just take a metro or a bus to the theater.

There have different beautiful scenery and fresh air.
In conclusion, live life in a big city has many merit and some disadvantages. For me, I love live in a big city. When I old, maybe I will move to a small town to enjoy a simple life.

Live is something you do, but life is a noun. Life is what you have to live.
:-)

Writing Feedback / Treatment of Illegal Immagrants - U.S. versus Mexico [4]

...most of whom are from the neighboring country of Mexico.

By reviewing and comparing -----> it is possible to observe
By reviewing and comparing the immigration detention policies of both the United States and Mexico it is evident possible to observe that detention process is to punish the individual for entering the country without the proper documentation.


In order to avoid using judgmental language, some of us say "undocumented" instead of the harsh term "illegal."

A concern for a particular section of that population is individual 's individuals detained (mainly young women) who were brought to the Country country for illegal purpose such as for prostitution under the control of others termed "human trafficking". Both Countries countries have exceptions for individual...

Little typo here:
and possibility of affecting anyone that looks Mexica,n The bill will not

Now go back to your first paragraph and change that thesis statement to reflect what you are actually arguing. Your paper starts by saying this

By reviewing and comparing the immigration detention policies of both the United States and Mexico it is evident possible to observe that detention process is to punish the individual for entering the country without the proper documentation.

... but that is not actually the focus of the paper! Right after that sentence, add a sentence that tells your main idea for the essay, and the END THE FIRST PARAGRAPH so the reader will now for sure what you are arguing in the paper.

:-)