Scholarship / Partial scholarships essay help for master degree in marketing [4]


We're glad you are here!!


These three can be answered in 3 different paragraphs, but you can unite them with a common theme: Your clearly envisioned, detailed plan.

What is the essay about? Your plan to master this field and contribute to the school.
What are the paragraphs about? para #1 is intro, para #2 is about Why you are applying, para #3 is about how you will benefit, para #4 is about how you will make the school a better place (i.e. contribute), and para #5 is the conclusion, and it is about these 3 things, which make up plan for the future.

should I rephrase them (PS) in my essay?
No, with this essay focus on sharing your plan for the future.

I still don't understand on the question number 3? is brunel community is the people inside or outside (around) campus? and how should I going to do with this question?

Yes, the community is comprised of the people. How can you contribute? That depends on your special interests. If you have passion for marketing, I expect that you will want to be involved with student organizations that market products and services; I expect that you will join in clubs full of other business and marketing students. You can contribute whatever you are good at, whatever you are inspired to do.

If you have passion for learning, especially your chosen field, you will be contributing to the learning community.

Writing Feedback / TOEFL essay:Twenty years from now, people will have more leisure time than we do [4]

Great! It's hard to explain, though. With more freedom, we may become busier, because we have more competition. But with more freedom, we can also become less busy. It is an interesting idea to discuss.

:-)

Essays / Indicate a person in the business world that has had an influence in you and why [4]

When I heard this, I thought that this person should must be very smart.

Hey, some of your sentences are constructed very nicely!

A young energetic man who destined to earn millions of dollars, Abramovich had no father, but despite this he entered into one of the best universities of the USSR and has been successful in his studies.

Very good, now write a paragraph about your own aspirations and aims. Show how his virtues can be useful to you in your own work.

:-)

Undergraduate / "I have no health insurance" - Transfer Essay E- Important Issue [12]

Looking forward to it!

I'm glad you're participating here...

Writing Feedback / Just relationship between society and the individual Paper for poli sci theory [2]

Simplify:
Determining a just relationship between the individual and society is the basis of the tension between arguments supporting about a devolution of power to local communities. and those that support a centralization of policy-making in American politics By definition, a just relationship has a basis in reason. this part crossed out... does not really make sense.

While promoting equality may not seem to be compatible with self interest, however, when an individual is a part of society it is in his best interest to promote equality so others have a fair chance to improve the society the individual has so much stake in.--- good point, but the sentence is written weirdly. Try this:

While Promoting equality may not seem to be compatible with self interest; however, when an individual is a part of society it is in his best interest to promote equality so others have a fair chance to improve the society in which the individual has so much invested. stake in.

Here is another "however" sentence that you wrote incorrectly. I'll show the correct way here:
Major Policy making would still be centralized in the cases of cross state cross national and environmental problems that affect society as a whole. Many of the purely merit based systems, however, would devolve plenty of power to ...

:-)

Undergraduate / Admission Essay to U of M for Computer Science. Any suggestions? [2]

Take away th boring sentences, and start with the interesting ones:
I took my first programming course in high school. There, I discovered I enjoyed programming immensely, and was reasonably proficient in it. I find myself often thinking of how to solve many everyday problems with code. In my free time, have coded several programs, including a game that incorporated physics and various graphical elements. Because of my interest in this subect, I took several more courses throughout high school and in college...--- add one more sentence to the end of the first paragraph, a sentence that expresses the impressive idea you want the reader to remember.

But most of all, I want to be accepted to this great university so that I may learn how to be this excellent engineer, able to under stand the fundamentals and theories that will allow me to see make it possible for my dreams come to fruition.

Writing Feedback / City Managar: What is Your Ideal Career Essay [4]

Always look at the first sentence of the essay and ask yourself if it would be an interesting sentence if you looked at it all by itself:

There were many different professions in which I wanted to be in.
I think you could use an even better sentence to start the essay, something that makes the reader feel interested in what you are about to say.

When I was a child I ....how the system works and be a part of an organization that can make a difference. ---- I like all of this material, very impressive!!

My ideal career would be as a City Manager for a small town. --- interesting!

First is the city budget. Preparing budget proposals, monitoring the budget, and executing plans is very challenging, but once successfully implemented the results would be fulfilling.

Very good, you have some excellent sentences near the end.

Faq, Help / Essay Forum Appreciation Thread [14]

Awesome!! Check out the "unanswered" list to find people who still need help. Also check out

essayforum.com/ef-contributor-page/

I'm glad they recognized your potential!

Writing Feedback / Writing a Public Health Policy Analysis paper (apa format) [10]

It's hard for me to give a suggestion other than to google around for other things entitled "overview of the bill" so you can see how other bills are described... and also... I suggest writing whatever you are NOT having trouble with. Write all that you can, and don't waste any time with the difficult part yet. It will be easier later.

Start by googling that bill and paraphrasing the explanation you find for it. If you can find a scholarly journal article that describes the bill, that would be excellent.

:-)

Writing Feedback / Literary devices in in Dutchman and Native Son [2]


This is a big leap. I think it will be better if you give a little more explanation about why vicarious living through characters results from facing uncontrollable situations.

portrays anger and fear towards associated with racism and segregation.

In Dutchman and Native Son, Each story has its own symbols; the "subway" and "cross" to signify ________ and _________.

I think it looks like you will be adding one more body paragraph and a conclusion paragraph. I think it is looking very good!!

Writing Feedback / Education means developing mind,not stuffing the memory [4]

... Education can either be achieved with either academic or experiential processes; either way, it helps in the overall growth of the personality of an individual. Hence, I agree, with the...

Education is an ongoing process of being made to know our own ignorance. Literacy is one of the means of education and it is not a start or end to education. Education helps ...

When we learn about something and the purpose behind it, we understand is its usage not by merely locking our knowledge without any advantage possessing out knowledge without any practical application. (I am not sure what you want to say here! )

Coming to a classroom, students enter a place where an introduction to the outside world is given. We are ...

Academic knowledge with experience of how and when to use it gives a person his recognition in the society.

Having all plenty of knowledge and not using it does not make any sense. of having memory of them. A developed mind will always search for the opportunities to show its knowledge, indeed the educational facts it learned thoroughly, going beyond memorization. and not memorized.

:-)

Writing Feedback / Preparing for future career and networking with others- Reasons for attending college [4]

Every person has different reasons to attend university, which is the one of most
unforgettable parts of life.

creating ----> and making
In my view generally people have some common purposes
to do it: creating future career, and making some new relationships. are two of them .

develop ----> and socialize
One important reason is to develop new relationships and socialize with unfamiliar
people or representatives of completely different cultures. --- good sentence!!

The most common purpose is to make contribution an investment in the future by increasing knowledge.

In conclusion, reasons to attend college/university can vary from a person to person,but
there is are some common concepts among people. If a person knows his goal and reason to attend college,that person would be more successful in his career than those of without any idea.

:-)

Writing Feedback / Today artists pass their privilege of revealing of hidden facts and meaning to the audience. [2]

You have to say "accessible to (someone or something)" like this:
Art is derived from everyday life, and at the same time it transcends daily life. Artists are always trying to explore the hidden ideas and impulses of a society and to give them a form accessible to the human senses. understand . --- so that means "the senses can access them.

or
...and to give them a form accessible to the human mind.

Artists are required to be creative, to be detached from the transparent life, (what is the transparent life?) and thus to reveal those hidden ideas and impulses obscene(do you mean obscene or invisible?) to laymen.

... there exists a multitude of ideas and voices evading (choose a different word) everyday talk; and a variety of arts could just provide opportunities to articulate these hidden ideas and voices.

:-)

Undergraduate / Essay MSc management (developing the economy of my country) [3]

As a result, for five years I have dedicated my whole attention to the subject of national economy at Moscow State University of Management. It is one of the best universities in Russia that specialize in training economists. Due to the fact that ...

You write very well!! I'll just give some ideas below:

I proved my ability to set goals and achieve them, to organize and motivate people, an to direct them toward the achievement of a common goal. Moreover, I showed ...

Sometimes I virtually feel lack of it when making some decisions. That is why I ...

I am convinced that should I be given the opportunity to study Management at St. Andrews University that attracts some of the best students, I will be able to contribute significantly to the academic environment, learn from other highly talented peers, and take inspiration and guidance from leading experts in this field.

Essays / Starting an essay: global impact on my life. [9]

This is an exercise in deep looking. The things around us contain the energy of so many people and places all over the world.

The first step might be to collect all the examples -- countries' names on clothes labels, languages, ethnic restaurants, other ethnic establishments.
Make a collection of examples!

Then, for every example, write a sentence about the connection of the culture to your life.

Then, you will have a list of sentences. To each sentence, add another sentence to give an example of what it means. Then, another sentence to explain a little more.

Soon, you will have a set of paragraphs, and each paragraph will be about a separate example of a connection between a culture and your life.

:-)

Letters / A recommendation letter ("a candidate for a position in your institution") [2]


This part could be made much more interesting if you add one more sentence to the end -- a sentence that will distinguish this essay from others like it. Or, you can list the main points:

...I would like to recommend Mr. Topal as a candidate for a position in your institution for many reasons, including ________, _________, and __________.

Firstly Mr. Topal had been working for "Greatking Computer" (a B2B company) for almost three years (2003-2006). During that period, I had the great pleasure of seeing him blossom from a college student, at the beginning of new to the business, into a fully functioning...

This is very impressive! He is lucky you are so eloquent.

Dissertations / Suggest topics: HR Doctorate in Human Resource Management [25]

Well, don't write in all capital letters...

"Personal Ego at Work Place is Detrimental to Growth of an Organisation."

The ways to strengthen overall organisational ability by mitigating personality differences, exploiting compatible attributes, and encouraging performance based on organisation goals.

This (above) is what I got from your idea. Does that seem right?

Writing Feedback / [IELTS] Children must be taught to have balance between competitiveness and co-operation. [6]

It is believed that all children are born with ...
I think you should add one more sentence to that first paragraph. Write a sentence in the middle of that paragraph to help the reader know exactly what you are saying in this essay.

Children possessing only competitive skill can be good learners. Most of the time they are very ambitious about two things ; one is academics and other is their career. The y try to be excellent in them in many ways. Every time they win, it makes them...

They definitely reach their goal by using teamwork.

To conclude, any all of these abilities are created for a purpose. Children must be set free to create their own abilities according to their potential, but they must be taught to have balance between competitiveness and cooperation .

:-)

Writing Feedback / I completely agree with the point that the ability to plan and organize is essential to young people [4]

Say "make a scientific plan."

And say "from my career."

Use " " marks:
Just like American President Franklin Roosevelt said: "No country, however rich, can afford the waste of its human resources." Therefore, as a young citizen who cares about his own country, one should notice the significance of planing and organization.

and the most important thing I learned from my career life is to always be a plan maker. By this method, I accomplished ...

I would like to say, these skills will be really helpful for the young people if they want to live successful life.

Writing Feedback / A Brief Essay on the Struggle of Coping with an Undiagnosed Eye Condition [3]

This is brilliant descriptive and introspective writing.
One moment I would be reading a paragraph about Thomas Jefferson, and the next my eyes would skip to Alexander Hamilton.

... the other eye would take over. That was when I would lose my place in a text.--- wow, that is fascinating!! I hope you have fully overcome it with the corrective lenses...

There was no need to go back and re-read a section. I already comprehended it.-- well said!

This is one of my favorite essays ever... very good stuff. It has enthusiasm and energy, and it is interesting. You write very well!!

Please check out essayforum.com/ef-contributor-page/

Writing Feedback / Teenagers work while they are studying - argumentative essay [6]

Some people say that it is not a good idea for children, but others ...

It is obvious that most students work part time to earn money so that it may be used to support their education, to gain more freedom, and satisfy life's financial needs.

Another advantage of working part time is to support their future career, especially those with jobs related to the major they are studying.

When students work, they can practice theory they learned in class. ---- good point!!!

For example, my English teacher worked part time when he was a second-year student. He worked ...

I believe that for teenagers to work while they are students is not bad. In contrast, this is good if you really know how to manage time best . I advise you work part time when you have a after careful preparation and choose suitable jobs for your future career.

This is very impressive. You even refuted the counter-argument!

Book Reports / A THOUSAND SPLENDID SUNS VS THE COLOR PURPLE - comparative essay exam [4]

Sounds good!! You're welcome!! We're glad you are participating here.

Graduate / An effort to make myself prominent..(Electrical Eng) [8]

You are welcome!!


I think you should, and the best way to do it is to mention those things all in one sentences, like you do here. Some people make the mistake of using a whole paragraph to talk about accomplishments, but I think it is good to overwhelm the reader with several impressive accomplishments in the same sentence. That's intensity.

Writing Feedback / DISCONTENT IS VITAL TO GROWTH AND DEVELOPMENT [4]

The only animals on earth with lot of enthusiasm and excitement to explore new things are ,human beings. This sentence does not seem to fit. IT is about curiosity rather than discontent. I think you should use the word discontent in that first paragraph.

many new things that were previously unknown to him.
In fact, you can even make it better if you use a word that is better than "things."
many truths that were previously unknown to...

No comma necessary in this sentence:
His enthusiasm in business and a zeal to prove himself made him one of the well most respected and recognized businessmen in the society.

Writing Feedback / The Warrior (telling a story): mark-up my essay and give any advice [2]

When you insert an "extra" word or phrase, use a comma on each side: My son, Nathaniell, was two years old ...

We had talked endlessly about baseball for several weeks, and finally it was time for his very first practice.

Look for places to simplify, to intensify the reader's experience:
There were probably around 16 Sixteen co-ed preschoolers running ran amok with their...

The Warriors' first opponent was...

This will be better if you build some tension at the start by creating some conflict or emotional appeal... something to make the reader concerned about how the story will end.

:-)

Essays / Scholarship essay (education): scholarship to help me achieve my career goals [4]


Yes, it seems impossible! It is a terrible question, and it really does ask too much, I think!

Think of it this way: Tell your story and express your vision for the future, for your time in college, your research work, and what you want to do to contribute to society. Whenever you can you one of their key words, do so:

academic, extra curricular, community service, part time jobs, travel, hobby, career goal

Get inspired and write something great, and then try to incorporate the key words later.

Get inspired!!!

Undergraduate / "I work harder for me and only me" - Michigan State University [19]

No, I guess I think you should include questions in that first paragraph, but not in the middle paragraph.

That first paragraph ends with a sentence that suggests that your parents pushed you to transcend your limits, and it is great, but it is also a little simplistic. I think it would be good to add one more sentence to the end of that first paragraph before you move on to paragraph two. Add a sentence (to the end of paragraph one) that will powerfully express the main truth of the whole essay -- the thee you want the reader to remember.

:-)

Graduate / MSc programme to support your career and personal development - how to answer it [8]

Nice, I bet this will become an excellent thread.

Writing Feedback / TOEFL essay: It is more important to work at a job that you enjoy... [5]

Well, you write very well now and have a large vocabulary. The level of skill you have now is high, so it is time to start really expressing profound, philosophical ideas.

This essay says it is important to enjoy your job because of the benefits of enjoying your job, like better performance and better enjoyment of the work day -- but that is still quite simple and obvious.

You have a large vocabulary in English, so you can write about a concept that most people have never thought of! What is your most interesting insight about the ability to enjoy one's work?

Share something completely creative and original, something that never occurred to me.

:-)

Undergraduate / ADMISSION ESSAY TO PSYCHOLOGY PROGRAM (in a university in HK) [2]

Change is an inevitable stumbling block that every successful being would stumble must cross at some point during his/her life journey.
How about that?

Struck is a good word. It works, but it is a creative way to say it. You can strike gold, so I think you can strike an answer.

Being a little older, I sympathized with her situation, for that I have been through the same struggle and feeling of being lost once in my life. I approached her ...

After all, I must also admit that this was what had dragged down my undergrad years results. (not sure if I should include this part?) no, I don't think it helps. If you want to make a powerful statement about a life lesson from failure and a renewal of commitment, do it in a way that says specific things (i.e. something you experienced or learned). But don't just mention it briefly and vaguely.

...felt that it had bounded/limited my creativity and I felt I have not fully realize my potential. (should I include this part, as I do not want to sound negative) -- I like it, the attention to your own creativity.

So here I am now, standing at the pivotal point of my life where I am striving for a change to reach upon the a star and(does this sound weird?) fulfill my dreams. --- no, it's good!

I am determined to proceed/pursue succeed in a profession where ..

Nice, very impressive...

:-)

Graduate / Why MBA? Essay targetting MBA in finance. [5]

I was not sure about dashes(--) usage before, but now I see it is used for stronger punctuation. yeah, a dash is like a big comma! :-) but notice that a hyphen is not like a dash at all. You can connect words together with a hyphen to make new words:

wanting-to-make-it-big

I think parentheses are awesome! I like your use of them: We had this fantastic (at least we thought so) idea... very good


I don't know what you mean! :-) sorry.

Research Papers / SENIOR RESEARCH PROJECT about Michael Jackson --HELP [12]

Think of what a collage looks like. It has a lot of pictures that are put together to show something in a powerful way.

In your paper, you can use articles like pictures in a collage. Find 10 articles about MJ and really ENJOY them for their interestingness. After you finish each article, reread the intro and the conclusion. Then, write a paragraph about it.

So, if you read 10 articles, you'll have 10 paragraphs. :-)

Writing Feedback / Looking back for an understanding of the past [4]

I'll scratch out the first part, because it does not make sense:
It is such point of view that the ways of thinking of many people deviate from, since o Our everyday lives are going onward rather than going back. (add another sentence here to explain what you mean). In my point of view, I do not agree with the opinion stated above for some obvious reasons.

In the second place, we should keep in mind that history is like the mirror, reflecting the mistakes our forerunners have made.--- excellent, you have some great sentences!!

I'll cross out part that is not important:
Consequently, due to the above-mentioned reasons, it is not difficult to draw the conclusion that the whole history is an accumulation of the success and the mistakes people made.

I think part of the statement is the idea that the modern world is so different from the world of a few decaes ago. So, you shoul also write about the things that have stayed the same even in modern times, and the lessons that can be learned from them.

:-)

Writing Feedback / TOEFL essay:Twenty years from now, people will have more leisure time than we do [4]


Some of the best essays make 2 important points! So, it's okay.

However, if you want to make another point, you can talk about democratization. As countries democratize, freedom is upheld and increased, and that makes people free to compete against one another (i.e. capitalism). When people have to compete, it is a busy way to be.

:-)

Essays / Archetypal Analysis [HS senior paper] AP literature class [2]

Yes, the first thing is to really enjoy studying the archetypes from whatever reading your teacher assigned. It's great! Are you looking at the work of Jung, or someone else?

Then, you can get ready to write by googling this:
hamlet character analysis

Finally, you need to have an approach -- something cool. You can argue that Hamlet is a cross between two archetypes, or you can argue some particular observation that comes to mind.

You WILL have an idea come to mind if you study the archetypes and then study the character analyses. Just start writing and organize it later.

Dissertations / I need research topics from software engineering and web mining [8]

This is a tough topic! Search for this article
Data Mining Technology for the Evaluation of Learning Content Interaction
and this
Using Ethnographic Methods to Carry out Human Factors Research in Software Engineering
and this!
Measuring the Effect of Conflict on Software Engineering Teams

Graduate / I have always dreamed of having a job where I could care for and help others [11]


This is a sentence you can say in a thousand creative ways. Use a metaphor or an example. Give a sentence that expresses your personality! :-)

This one too! ---> By the end of the semester, I believed that this was a profession that would suit me and allow me to attain my goal of helping others.

This sentence can be much better if you wait for some inspiration and write a sentence that really feels like it expresses your main truth, your concept of living a life of service and caring.

:-)

Writing Feedback / Solutions for traffic problems - using public transportation system [2]

In between the first and second sentence, it would be great to add another sentence to help introduce the topic. Tell a little more about the situation in the second sentence, and then write the third sentence Traffic may cause chemical pollution and also sound pollution. By m oving big companies from cities to countryside, managing the conflict hours, and encouraging people to use public transportation, we will overcome this problem.

That way, paragraph one will have 3 sentences instead of 2.

This has excellent structure, because paragraph 1 tells 3 ideas and then the 3 body paragraphs present the ideas. Great job!! The conclusion, like the intro, needs to be longer. Add a sentence!!! You are doing great.

Finally, by training our next generation to use a bicycle rather than a car for any short trip, we will solve traffic problems slowly over the years.

Undergraduate / "I have no health insurance" - Transfer Essay E- Important Issue [12]


for me, that usually means a lot of unnecessary words will need to be trimmed away on the first revision.

Hello, my name is George, and I have no health insurance. -- for a compound sentence, use a comma.

I am have my views and I vote, but I do not want to run for political office or attend a political protest or rally.

I admit that I do not fully understand a lot of the legalese, but I saw no mention of anything resembling a "death panel". --- don't include this; there is not reason to admit you don't understand. If you don't fully understand, then it is meaningless to say you did not see anything about a death panel. It's better to google and find the answer about it nytimes.com/2009/08/14/health/policy/14panel.html

There are many things which need to be worked out so that we can have a viable universal health care program. --- for this and a few other vague sentences, I think it is important to do some research and say some things that are more specific. In general, I think a little more research is necessary to show that you are serious and confident about discussion of this issue.

The dissenting voices are many and they are loud.
or
The dissenting voices are many, and they are loud.

:-)

Writing Feedback / SHOULD MODERN SOCIETY BE CRITICIZED FOR BEING MATERIALISTIC [4]

Good luck on the clep test!! I can't grade the essay, because I don't know the scoring criteria.

Materialistic-this word holds different meaning for different persons people.

If things are done just for the sake of doing having things, then materialism has gone too far in this society.--- I think he does these things just for the sake of having material things.

...but shopping just for the name sake of buying more things, and to prove to themselves that they can, is materialistic. All the things shopped purchased are just piled up and are never thought of again; this benefits none and there is no satisfaction for the money we put in.

NO doubt, most of the things at present are materialistic. In other words , we live in "materialistic world". But,the basic values of life, love, relationships cannot be treasured measured with money. Money is a trading tool. It can ...

:-)