Writing Feedback / Mohammad and Nour - help me my comparison/contrast essay [7]

Never say "two twins." If they are twins, we know there are two:
Mohammad and Nour are two twin siblings who are they U.S citizens that lived in Palestine and moved to the United States of America in order to study. Both have two different characters and characteristics.

The corrections by Azeri are great!! I want to also tell you that the way to make it more interesting is to create some TENSION for the reader. That means you can make the reader interested in some way, so that the reader wants to know what will happen. Or maybe the reader will want to know the answer to a question.

Try this:

At the end of the first paragraph, add a sentence that asks this question: What is so important about the similarities and differences between Mohammad and Nour?

Then, in the last paragraph, answer the question. In the FIRST sentence of the last paragraph, write this:
The similarities and differences between Mohammad and Nour are important because ________________...

:-)

Writing Feedback / "a freshly mowed lawn in summer" - Descriptive Senses Composition [7]

opens with a loud...

...like a taller twin.---- nice!!!

I am pretty impressed!! I am going to put this in my collection of example essays.

Then a hum starts beneath my feet, and the sprinklers begin to hiss. The spray of water pounds against the house windows.

You did a great job of leading the reader's attention along. Thanks for the experience!

Undergraduate / bump in the road personal life/why did you choose ucf [3]

Cool, LibraryLover, thanks for all the time you spent with this!

Use apostrophes:
just because he wasn't here in the physical form didn't mean he wouldn't still be able to see me better myself. My father always wanted the best for his me, and I knew I wasn' t giving him my best. When my senior year started, the new me started. I worked my butt off with purpose every single day to graduate with my class and make my father proud. I hope to continue the path that I'm on by furthering myself at UCF, for not only my myself but for my father.

use a spell checker:
"under construction forever"

Okay, but I think you should write more about your chosen field -- your career. Even if you are not yet sure, you can describe a scenario in which you succeed in a field that you think you might enjoy... describe a vision for the future and a fascination with your chosen subject.

:--)

Book Reports / "A Jurry of Her Peers" and "Hills Like White Elephants", compare/contrast essay [5]

The short stories "Hills like White Elephants" and A Jury of Her Peers" share the subjects death and how men and women relate to each other during the respective situations.--- this tries to say too much at once...

Two themes are common to both "Hills like White Elephants" and A Jury of Her Peers." One of these themes is death, and the other is the way men and women relate to each other during various situations.

Here is my idea for you, above. Maybe you can improve it even more! I think it is better as two separate sentences.

These two sentences from the intro paragraph seem like they could be topic sentences (topic sentence = the first sentence of a body paragraph, which tells the paragraph's main idea.):

The characters in both stories are all different types of people but they are connected by how they relate to their: choices; the potential consequences and the uncertainty of both. ---- but if you are going to use these sentences in the intro paragraph, I think you should add one more sentence to the end... make it a sentence that captures this theme you are writing about: what is the main truth expressed in your whole essay? At this point, express that truth in a single sentence and add that sentence to the end of the first paragraph.

:-)

Both stories also share the use of strong symbolism to convey the setting and create mood.

Undergraduate / Tell us something about yourself - your present and future goals [6]

I want to change the order of sentences:
To me, teaching is a perfect way to make a difference in someone's life. I believe that, because even till this day I still remember the teachers that I have had in the past that made such a difference in my life. From a young age I have always been a very determined and driven person for everything that I set out to do. I have always known that no matter what I do in life I want to do something that can make a difference in someone's life.

PBAU can help me with my present goal of strengthening myself more and being in good surroundings without many different temptations that ...
:-)

Writing Feedback / Should friends be honest to each other? [6]


Very cool.

Enter the room and write. Waste no words. Eric, you really know the way writing is like music, I can tell.

I believe that the nearer you are with someone, the more they should accept your flaws and vice-versa.---This is excellent.

The subject of short skirts should be avoided. I mean, not always, but here it should be avoided. Don't use it as your example, because it brings all kinds of ideas about free expression and gender and objectification into the essay... when really, you are trying to write about frankness in friendship.

So... this is a good lesson! Don't use an example that drowns out your thesis. I think we can all gain some wisdom from this thread.

Essays / I need help on what to include in a essay on Elizabeth I... [4]

My strategy is like this:
search a database for articles. If you can think of a good "extra" key word to throw in, do it, like this:
Queen Elizabeth I philosophy
or
Queen Elizabeth I leadership

Read one of the articles you find, and write a paragraph about the main idea the writer conveyed in the article. Add that article to your reference list, and move on to the next article.

Write one or two paragraphs per article, and put the author's name in parentheses (Smith).

When you have 5 or 10 paragraphs, go back and add an intro paragraph that introduces whatever you just wrote. You will need to tie it all together with a unifying theme.

Then, write a conclusion paragraph and stick it on the end.

:-)

Undergraduate / An essay for Harvard Leadership Conference for Taiwanese students [3]

As I heard the lepers vividly share their tragic stories with tears, a burden was placed in my heart, and now I am compelled to study public policy and help them in the future.


Wow, this is an impressive insight.

This is really great. I see what Jon means about taking a long time to get to the point in the first paragraph. You can find a sentence to take out if you want to make it a little shorter. However, it is very good even as it is now!!

Writing Feedback / "cursing the unlucky circumstances" - A translated Passage, good in English? [5]

For instance, if a wife undergoes an unsuccessful marriage, f ull of pain and depression, and then is asked to put an end to this misery, she begins to make a list of meaningless and illogical justifications for acting otherwise.

Here is a place where the verb tense changes:
Actually, many people lead their lives like this. They refrained refrain from ...

...changing, reacting or making well-planned decisions. Instead, they simply justify their hesitant -- or rather, cowardly -- manner.

This is a profound observation! Thanks for the reminder about that tendency to justify reluctance!

:-)

Research Papers / How to start a research paper on the Shack? [6]

God idea! I was guessing you meant "Shaq" as in Shaquille O'Neal

But no matter what you are writing about, start by reading an article. read an article about the topic, and enjoy it. When you are done, write a sentence about it, and then give an example or two. Write a complete paragraph about the article and put the author's name in parenthesis (Hacker).

It's easy! Repeat that process until you have lots of paragraphs, and then google this:
how to write a good thesis statement.

Graduate / 'It wasn't a quick decision' - SOP for a Master Degree in Chemical Engineering part-time [6]

It has been built over a long time and of deep thinking and searching. It was based on my background in Bachelor of Science degree in the same field. An important reason that led me to apply for this program is the potency of the chemical engineering programs at KFUPM in terms of programs -- both material resources and academic faculty. Also, working in oil ...

As Like any engineering field, chemical engineering needs requires good knowledge in mathematics, physics and chemistry. In my chemical engineering undergraduate program I have studied...

Separation processes have became a vital process in each industrial line around the world. They can be found ...

After four months of working in stabilization plant, I found that it is important to use the engineering background in the is very useful in daily activities. So, applying for master degree program will positively affect my career by enabling me to apply what I have learned and what I will learn from the advance courses in the real plants problem. and experience solving real problems.

Writing Feedback / Essay For My Right To Be Me- feedback [4]

Well, you talk about it several ways: What happened to freedom of expression? What happened to freedom of thought?... bullying... you talk about a lot of concepts like individualism...

But in answer to the question, "What Canadian human rights problem is affecting you and your friends," is a human right being violated? I think Canada is among the countries that allow the most freedom of expression, so it does not seem right to choose it as a human rights issue. But that is just my own perspective, I think I am probably wrong. But I do advise this: Find a place to answer the question in a single sentence, like, "A Canadian human rights issue that has personal significance to me is __________."

Okay, I figured out how to tell you what i think should be done to this essay. Look at this list of topic sentences:

I can certainly support this with my own experiences.

In high school, their forms of bullying changed.

People's ignorance is what creates things that allow for people to group us off.

Thankfully, I go to a small school where the individuals slightly outnumber the ignorant.

Did all our rights and freedoms go out the window?

The topic sentence for paragraphs often is used to tell the main idea of the paragraph so that the reader's mind can deeply experience the idea of each paragraph. If you revise these sentences (or add a sentence to precede each), you ca start each paragraph with a sentence that succinctly makes the point the paragraph intends to make. Then, the next sentences give examples to support it, and the final sentence of the paragraph reflects on th point and/or transitions to the next paragraph.

You can change your topic sentences (first sentence in a paragraph) in a way that will dramatically change the reader's experience.

Scholarship / The Changing Tourism Industry and How I Fit [5]

haha, that is great, thanks!

And long sentences are not so bad! But add some short sentences sometimes to balance them out.

Research Papers / Antidepressants: A physiological, behavioural, theoretical, and clinical review [5]


Yep, and there seems to be a lot wrong with the whole system. Other methods can help alleviate depression, for sure, but every case is different and it's hard to know what the role of each med should be...

Anyway, yeah, it just seems like you are taking a firm stance against them at the end, when you give several sentences in a row about the problems with drugs to treat depression.

Dissertations / Suggest topics: HR Doctorate in Human Resource Management [25]

You're welcome! I look forward to seeing what you come up with.

:-)

Undergraduate / 'Why I want to go the university essay' (Yale) [3]

Why do I want to go to Yale? Well, lets see. Last year, at this point in time, 25869 students opened up their laptops, or grabbed sheets of lined white paper, and answered the this question. Most of them wrote about...

The answer is simple: These people are the reasons I want to go to Yale. Though I feel it is important, at this point, to explain that I am no girl from Texas, neither do I have the desire to have an expensive Persian rug in my house; wood is fine as far as I am concerned. I shouldn't have to brainstorm, on that ...

It is in my blood. Flowing through my veins is a desire to own a big house, a desire to make my parents proud, hell, even own a BMW 7 series (it isn't that bad really). surgically remove and replace with something more focused on the theme of the essay.

Excellent writing, fun to read. It shows that you are good at writing.

This is very thoughtful and impressive, but it lacks substance. The way to improve it is to add substance, which you can easily do. There are some words, like "why, oh why" that seem necessary in the first draft but then have to be remove when you see all the different ways they can affect readers. Same with "well let's see"... it should be excluded, even though it reflects a certain attitude that you want to express.

So, when I say add substance, I mean that you should find ways to refer to your serious goals, the meaningful ones associate with your chosen field. It all happens now! :-)

Graduate / 'Network Security' - Statement of Purpose for MS admission in USA (Computer science) [2]

During high school, I gained good knowledge of C++ programming language and Data Structures. (I think one more sentence is necessary after this one, before you end the first paragraph. Make it a sentence about the main idea of the whole essay.)

One of my most cherished subjects is Network Security, with which I be came acquainted during my undergraduate study. I learned about with its different aspects, such as Digital Signatures, Cryptography and protocols concerning internet security. I have also done...

I have not only excelled academically, but also tried to achieve developed my interpersonal skills by participating in ...

This is great! You have an impressive set of accomplishments already.

Undergraduate / SOP - The reasons to choose the university: employment upon graduation [4]

Well, this is an excellent start. Now you need to stare at it and get inspired. You are going to lead the reader in an experience -- a glimpse into the perspective of this girl who is hell-bent on excelling in her chosen field.

So decide what the first words will be as they begin to look at your essay.
The field of XXXXX is meaningful to me, because _________________. For the past six years I have been spending my free time reading about ________________. I know what kind of company I like, what I want to do, and what schools are able to get me there. In this paper, I am going to explain the reasons for my decision in favor of YYYYYYYYYYYY as my first choice...

Writing Feedback / Topic:The differences between Vietnamese and English culture. [7]

Well, the thesis statement at the end of the first paragraph can make a keen observation... for example, you might observe that one word is especially good for describing what the two have in common.

If you think of a word like that and introduce it in the thesis statement near the end of the first paragraph, you can use the conclusion paragraph to talk more about that word. The whole conclusion paragraph can be about that word. And you will notice that the thesis statement and conclusion paragraph are about the same thing, or the conclusion paragraph discusses the IMPLICATIONS of what the thesis statement says.

:-)

Graduate / Statement of Purpose for MBA finance, an operation manager in a restaurant [5]

During this time, I started to love the restaurant industry and think to get about getting more into involved with it. That thought has become an ambition, which is to open and manage my own restaurant. I started to ask myself: "W hat does it take to do it?" "Finance" is the very first answer that pops out in my comes to mind, because I understand that Finance is very important for every business success and it is what I am lacking knowledge on.

Part time My employment since August 2008 as an operations manager with XXXX Restaurant a dining restaurant and lounge, has been a rewarding experience taught me about ________, ________, and __________. I am managing twenty-one employees to meet the...

Very impressive!!

Graduate / PhD Statement of Research Interests: physicist going into Neuroscience [13]


Is his name really Normingtonly? That is a unique one...

Specifically I hope to use my experience in brain imaging and my physics background to discover the ways in which cognition, emotions, awareness, and decisions are processed in the brain. (right here, add one more sentence before concluding the paragraph -- the most important sentence. What will you accomplish if you get to discover these things? This is a good place to establish that theme -- right here at the end of the first paragraph.)

...doing something you love is the greatest provider to your source of well-being.

You already found something astounding in the previous paragraph, so don't write "find it fascinating" here. Aim for big accomplishments: In particular I intend to contribute to the field of cognitive neuroscience fascinating using non-invasive methods such as fMRI, rt-fMRI, MEG or EEG for the benefit of _________, ________, and ___________.

:-)

You can have Romania as your theme, but if that is the case, you should mention Romania in almost every paragraph. You should mention it at the end of that first paragraph. Your theme can involve some connection between cognitive neuroscience and your background in Romania. I don't think you have successfully maintained a memorable theme, as you intended. However, this still is an impressive essay!! I think it will impress all who read it.

If you want to continue to develop a memorable theme for the essay, think of the theme for your life as it is happening now. What would the theme be? Maybe your theme involves "walking away" from things, or maybe it involves a search for the truth of human nature through the processes of cognition. If you can get in touch with the theme for the story of your life now and in the coming years, what is it? Let the reader come away from this reading with a phrase in mind -- a memorable phrase. "Searching for something with neuroscience"

"Memories of Romania as I study cognition and neuroscience"

--- a short phrase gets planted in the reader's mind the way a ninja's grappling hook secures her to the building.

:-)

Writing Feedback / Essay For My Right To Be Me- feedback [4]

Although the Charter is still in place, people have had their rights violated by their peers every second of every day.--- (okay, but add one more sentence before ending the first paragraph. Make it a sentence that tells the main point of this essay. Get specific here, at the end of the intro paragraph.)

This is confusing: People's ignorance is what creates things that allow for people to group us off.

the individuals slightly outnumber the ignorant. --- the ignorant are individuals, too!

You are writing that lots of human rights are being violated, but I don't think the goal is to write this way. you should choose one big issue and explain how it is affecting you. This is not the same as saying lots of your rights are being taken away.

I googled and found an example of a human rights issue: Arthur Ray says Canada's biggest unresolved human rights issue is this: Aboriginal land claims.

Writing Feedback / Let's face the music! ; School Uniforms Persuasive Essay [8]

When I look at this, I see some fluff at the start, and then there is the powerful writing:

Let's face the music, children and teenagers are growing up much faster than anyone had
expected. Their peers, family, home, music, and television are all influencing them on how they behave and dress. The numerous ways students dress can reflect countless of messages such as the latest fashion trend, hand-me-downs, whatever is comfortable, or violence. I remember when I was in middle school; I did not wear the cutest clothes or keep up with the current fashion trend and was often left...--- This is a good beginning! Ct the other stuff, that obvious stuff.

Even though students' individuality is important to express one's self, uniforms should be adopted in some public schools because it they lower disciplinary referrals and help students focus on learning.

You make some excellent arguments, I love it! If you do not get an A for this, I will throw a fit. :-)

I like this part: If only I had uniforms when I was in middle school, I could have learned what was more important than expensive and trendy clothing.

Graduate / Master's Degree in International Law School - personal statement feedback [2]


If it is perpetuating, it is perpetuating something. But actually, you mean that it is being perpetuated.
I was born into a perpetuated cycle of abuse.
or
I was born into a self-perpetuating cycle of abuse.

My mother beat

... the two most important are that children (much like college students) can survive on nothing but peanut butter and perseverance, and that people are stopped only by their self-limitations. --- I like this part a lot.

I do not mean to imply that homelessness does not exist in other countries -- only that in many third world countries the government lacks the adequate...

nice ending. good luck1 I'm sure this will be well-received. It might be a good idea to balance that negative material at the beginning with some positive material. For example, in order to seem like you are not completely disillusioned with adults after your rough childhood, you can tell a little about a teacher whose influence sent you in the direction of studying law. I think this will help to balance the negative parts at the beginning of this very well-written essay.

Scholarship / Why do you want to attend St. Bede academy? [4]

Yes, this needs to be developed some more. When you write, try to share a unique insight. This is a simple thing to say, but I bet you have a profound observation to make. Did his personality affect you in a way that made you apply some of the principles he applied when speaking to a group of people? Maybe this essay is about an insight you gained pertaining to public speaking. Good speakers exert energy that everyone can enjoy.

Writing Feedback / Obedience and Disobedience in their extremes! [2]


After you make this assertion, you have to give the 3 body paragraphs. One is for laws, the next is for order, and the last is for authority. That way, the essay will have good structure. Can you give each paragraph a topic sentence about the associated word and then include all the points you want to make? You might have to copy/paste and change the order of some sentences.

At the end, the conclusion paragraph should again show that these 3 words are the keys to moderating the activity of people on that scale from obedient to disobedient.

Most importantly, if you want to score well on this assignment, keep in mind 3 big points you want to make: one for each paragraph.

one paragraph = one idea

Scholarship / The Changing Tourism Industry and How I Fit [5]

The first sentence is tough... needs a little help to sound right. You can't say "Travel and Tourism is ..."
For all of its their diversity, Travel and Tourism represent a living, breathing, global industry.

myself on Piedmont Airlines -- a big deal at first, but soon this would become a routine t hing for me. My mother helped me check my bag, made sure I had my CareBear and favorite drink, and kissed me goodbye at the boarding gate.

...travel aspects of the tourist's experience will not become any more emotionally satisfying than they are now unless certain needs can be met.

This sentence ...it can be better without a comma:
fluctuations in our business, but because I also continue to see the successes of peers I re alize that the dawn of revitalized tourism is swiftly approaching.

This is quite impressive! You should be confident about it. I think it is probably more thoughtful than many essays to which it will be compared.

Writing Feedback / Two types of transportation: Is Compare and Contrast Clear Enough? [5]

My prescription for this essay:
Eliminate a sentence here and a phrase there when you can, saying it in fewer words when possible. That is something all writers should do, though.

Also, add one more sentence to that first paragraph. After you look at the whole essay, you can think of one more sentence to add to that first paragraph: a sentence about a rule or principle you notice when comparing the two. The last sentence of the first paragraph should tell the most significant conclusion you drew, or some useful observation for people to remember.

You might say: In general, if time is a concern it is good to fly, but if money is a concern it is good to drive.

Research Papers / Help with ... Identifying and comment on impact of FSA Principles of Business.. [2]

Here are its principles fsa.gov.uk/pubs/cp/cp13.pdf
I googled this:
FSA "Principles for Business"

Now she has to choose six and write about them...
Try googling this: Outsourcing: the regulatory challenge for financial services firms
and this: FSA "Principles for Business" problems
(it's important to use " " marks around "Principles for Business")

Writing Feedback / Paper on ethics of animal research. [3]

Because of extremely advantageous health advancements that have benefited, and will continue to benefit, the lives of human beings, research on animals should continue to be allowed. --- this is a good, clear thesis statement, but it could be better. You could make an argument that demonstrates your position without spelling it out for the reader. Instead, give them a reason for the importance of tis research -- one that will become the theme of your essay.

However, it is good as it is! Especially the first few lines, where you ask questions.

This topic sentence is confusing: In 1877, the American Human Society was founded in order to improve the lives of human beings, but it expanded to include advocating for humane treatment of animals (Yount 42). ----- Precede this with a sentence that introduces the main idea of the paragraph. the topic sentence to precede this sentence should go something like this:

By putting this issue into its historical context, it is possible to see how the current controversy took form.

You make a strong argument!! It'll be stronger if you deal with some of the common counter arguments. For example, google this: animal testing - it's not just cruel, it's ineffective

Scholarship / "People who live in simplicity vs. results" - scholarship introduction essay [4]


Yeah, I was thinking this meant: People who live in simplicity do not necessarily bring about simple results.

I am thinking the same way as Notoman

"It is not always true that people who live in simplicity will produce a simple result during their exams. Sometimes, those people are able to achieve a better result than the people who live in luxury."

Oh, I see what you are saying!!
Sometimes, people who live in luxury have an advantage and can enjoy the finest instruction that money can buy, but they will not necessarily score better on their exams. Sometimes people who live simply and study hard can become more knowledgeable.

Student Talk / Kevin's Collection of Example Essays -- "good structure" [11]

Here is something useful for TOEFL and IELTS people: https://essayforum.com/writing-3/structuring-introduction-paragraph-16452/

Writing Feedback / Structuring essays for TOEFL and IELTS -01- Introduction paragraph [6]


It would be great if some of you were able to translate this explanation for others who need the information but are struggling with language barriers.

This is great, Waqas, thanks! I did not know as much as I should have known about TOEFL and IELTS. I'll add this thread to my collection of examples to show people.

djanat, I don't know the answer to your question but someone will probably post it soon... :-D

Letters / "I was the interviewer"; Reference letter (my own recommendation letter, MSc) [2]

I have known Gaukhar Amirkhanova since 2009, when I was her interviewer for the position of marketing assistant. She impressed me with her unique ability to analyze the local market. Despite the fact that she had limited p rofessional experience before working at our company, Gaukhar has been able to use her theoretical academic knowledge in a real, context-sensitive situation related to her position. Her eye for detail lets enables her take notice of key differences of the local market developments.

The things that impress me most about Gaukhar are self-motivation, self- confidence and ambition to develop her expertise and career. growth . She is also constantly looking...

Gaukhar has shown very good performance, though at the beginning it was a language barrier made it hard for her. She overcame all issues, though, and today she is even more of an asset to the company because of her ability to speak in Russian, Kazakh, and English fluently. enough, grammatically correct and uses rich vocabulary ether in oral or in formal language, though she got primary and high education in Kazakh language. That's why she is responsible for all translations in our department, and I'm sure that she is easily able to have magister earn a masters degree in English.

It is my belief that participating at a Master's programme and study at a British higher education institution will help Gaukhar truly succeed in her professional competence and her future career. endeavors and continue to make excellent contributions to progress.

I took out some ideas about trouble you had, etc. You can see some places above where I left out sentences.

Good luck!!! :-) You should check out essayforum.com/ef-contributor-page/ and Essayforum can be another accomplishment added to your resume.

Writing Feedback / Age of marriage in today's world [5]

For some people family is too hard a responsibility, and they don't want to sacrifice theirs their freedom -- until they realize that it is unusual to spend old age in loneliness.

Clearly, it is very convenient to start family at an older age, because an older person has got some experience and knowledge of how to behave with people, and this experience will help to make the process of relationship easier.

In old age it is very difficult to play with children, parents cannot spend much time...

In addition to tiredness, sometimes people should give up a lot of free time for bringing up their children. --- upbringing is a noun

And as a result, for some people it can be very stressful. And mainly these stresses have bad influence on children. Some parents cannot even not see their grandchild, as they cannot live that long.

To sum up, the benefit of marriage at an older age is financial security for the family. The problem is that some causes factors associated with marriage at an older age can have bad influences on children's behavior.

If you are still able to have children, you are not experiencing "old age." That is why I changed it to say "older age." Instead of marrying young, you marry at an older age, but if you can still have children you are not yet experiencing old age.

:-)

Speeches / Persuasive Essay/Speech - Global Warming [6]

I still think you should moe this sentence to the beginning:


This is a key argument in the speech.

Matt, this new version looks good, but I think you could cover more than you do. Cram a lot of info into each paragraph for a concentrated orange juice essay. I'll give some of my thoughts below.


In this situation, you are supposed to refute some points instead of just saying you disagree.
Challenge yourself to make a counter argument.

Global warming is a tough one to take a stance on, though, because we know that a lot of money is involved and that researchers often try to find something significant where none exists, just to validate their research. But... on the other hand, we should be reducing harmful emissions for other reasons, even if global warming is not human-made!

On one hand, we have a lot at stake if global warming is being caused by humans. We don't want to accidentally destroy the planet. But on the other hand, we have only been measuring temperature for a small amount of time in human history.

And look at all these experts disagreeing. I am not even an expert, so I feel that I have no place in the argument. Nevertheless, if I can get a car that runs on water, I will. ;-)

Book Reports / Revise a compare and contrast essay on the novel Kiss of the fur queen [2]

The Okimasis family may be isolated by the whole community, and without knowledge Jeremiah and Gabriel may not become the pianist or dancer achieve their goals associated with music and dance.

YOU write so well!! I am surprised to learn that you are not a native speaker. Your writing is of a high level.

Here is one mistake:
As a father, he wants to secure his kids' future and does everything he can could to protect them, which is understandable. --- verb tense agreement

Here is another small problem I can fix:
His personality becomes obedient, courteous, and is accustomed to listening to his parents and the priests.
You say "accustomed to listening" because it kinda means "accustomed to the act of listening"

I was going to tel you that this begins too abruptly, but now I realize it is just an excerpt...

it's great, and I hope you realize that you write better than... i am guessing... 85% of native speakers of English.

Book Reports / Chaucer's character Pardoner and the relationship [3]


Nevermind the outline. Just connect the dots.

I hope you were able to get through it okay! If you got an extension and are still working, here is how to connect the dots:

Put those quotes n the paper, and also paste into the (word document?) some passages from the story. Past in a lot of stuff, aything you find that has something to do with Pardoner's relationship to the tale he is telling. You have to know how to look for those key words. Paste in everything that seems to show something about his relationship to the story --- how he feels about it, how it affects him.

Then, go back and paraphrase all the passages you pasted, and then add a topic sentence to the beginning of each. Turn every blurb into a paragraph by adding a topic sentence that tells an idea you are trying to convey.

Then, add a conclusion sentence to each paragraph.

Every para will have about 100 words, so you need 13 of them plus an intro para and a conclusion para.

This strategy will help you to improve your writing!!

Poetry / Billy Collin's "The Listener" [3]

I agree, it wuld be nice to have you post your own ideas. hat way it won't end up being that you post someone else's ideas as your own. I can help like this, though:

when I read the poem, it makes me think of what Deepak Chopra calls the "silent witness." I do not know if that is what Collins meant, but it is what I think of.

you can google: "silent witness" deepak chopra

:-)

Book Reports / Ernest Hemingway Paper-Role of fishing in Now I Lay Me and Big Two-hearted River [2]

"Now I lay me" and "Big two-hearted river" are two short stories from "The Nick Adam stories" that tell the story of Nick at two different stages of his Journey journey.

excellent thesis statement...I'll make a small change:
In these two stories, fishing played similarly prominent roles in reinforcing the major themes of "escape," and "control," and masculinity, which can be seen through a variety of Ernest Hemingway stories.

He was immersed in his own world of...--- If "he immersed," he must have immersed something (i.e. a cat or something), but you mean he was immersed.

You can also say:
He immersed himself in his own world of...

Add a few more sentences about escapism to that conclusion paragraph! :-)

Missing a page number with this quote: Hemingway described Nick's feeling in the story: "H is muscles ached and the day was hot, but Nick felt happy. He felt he had left everything behind, the need for thinking, the need to write, other needs"( ).