Writing Feedback / "CFL lamps make our eyes feel far more comfortable" - TOEFL-Integration [3]

The following paragraph presents three different points of views among the two parties.

First of all, the author asserts that the cost of the CFL lamp is extremely high. However, the speaker believes that although the cost of this lamp is more than three to ten times than that of universal lamps, they are much more durable.

That is, buying the CFL lamp can be a make great savings possible in the long run.

Remember this rule:
IF IT IS, IT WILL...
IF IT WAS, IT WOULD...
If the mercury is released in the landfill accidentally , it would will give rise to ...

Thirdly, the writer maintain that not only do the CFL have a negative influence to on our environment, but also it will do harm to our health, especially our eyes.

:-) Nice job! You surely can pass the toefl!

Undergraduate / "My father: a tenacious strength and resilience" - obstacle or bump [5]


Nice job with this sentence... very eloquent.

Stay consistent with that verb tense:
I think the reason we never discussed it, and the reason I have never felt any reason to bring it up, is because was that I love the family that I have.------Well, if they had just let you know about it while you were growing up, maybe it would not have been so shocking! It seems like "never discussing" important issues might not always be the best approach. It's great that you have such a loving, positive attitude about the situation!

I don't like those sentences at the end. It seems redundant to go through what each of them has taught you, because you already did that.

I think you should end the essay by discussing how this became a bump in the road and how you overcame it with a vision of achieving particular goals through your education. Bring it back to the reason you are applying for this school. :-)

Undergraduate / "The Biggest Change of My Life" - UF admission, A Senior in High School [10]

I always suggest enable instead of allow ... i mean, in this situation:

If nothing else, moving has allowed enabled me to become a more mature in various aspects of my life. ---But I think this sentence is too vague! You can be much more specific with this sentence. In fact, i see that you did get more specific in the next sentence, so let's combine them:

If nothing else, moving has enabled me to become more mature in various aspects of my life. Through my experiences, I have matured mature into a young woman who is confident in herself and is not afraid to meet and talk to others.

Aside from contributing to UF academically, I believe every campus needs that one different person. ----hmmmm. I don't know if this approach is best. Everyone is different. So... being different does not make you different.

I just think "different" is the wrong word. This is about leadership:
I truly believe I am that one different person natural leader. I know I can be that person who is willing to do what it takes to form a study group or club that does not already exist can fill a vital need in the community.

:-) Stay focused on talking about your career aspiration. You choose your career based on the issue that is important to you. The issue that is important to you is what gives you your passion and dedication. So, explain what is important to you, and they will believe that you are motivated and serious.

Writing Feedback / Working moms cause problems in the society - ILETS [7]

change in role of women has led a delinquency among young people.

I strongly disagree with this notion as I believe a working women can give better moral and financial support to a child.----Excellent thesis statement!!

Nowadays, due to the heavy burden of expenses of a single child, it has become diffcult for a single parent to make the both the hands ends meet.

A common expression is, "I am trying to make ends meet." That means: I am trying to make enough money to pay my bills! :-)

Morever, mishappen and misfortunates could happen to anyone's life.

Brilliant ending here:
An educated women can bring a positive impact on the generations to come and as a result whole nation will succeed and prosper.

I think this is a strong essay for the ietls.

Graduate / Art, design and textiles for the sake of my interests - statement of purpose [3]

In a sentence like this, you probably should use SINCE:
It has been almost seven years since I began studying art, design, and specifically textiles, and I have enjoyed every moment of it despite all the hardships I have been through.----I added some commas.

From my childhood I have been always passionate about colours,making collages with papers and make a colorful composition on a piece of paper, but I didn't know how to lead this talent and urge of organizing to make it blossom. I have been always concerned about it while I was studying mathematics in high school.

After I read about that major and I found out that it is exactly what I have been dreaming abou t my entire life then I made my mind to justify to my parents my decision to change my major and risk my future on studying an almost unfamiliar course.

Capitalize: In fact, we experienced the hand-made...

It was a great opportunity, which taught me how to be a bright and intelligent designer and how to have a sharp and exact vision of my environment, and this inspired me to...

I really faced through lots of difficulties to reach this high summit in my life and I strongly can tackle with any other hardships challenges in the future only to reach this very delightful part of my life.

I am prepared, to become well educated and successful in my career.

:-)

Writing Feedback / My Family: I'm very proud to be a part [2]


Do not capitalize these words. Only capitalize Honorable, because it is the first word of the sentence! :-)


This is a run-on sentence. Do you know how to fix it? :-)

We are fo Four people make up my family.

They are my father. They include my father, mother, sister, and me. My father is a ____________. His name is _______________. He is...

This sentence is very well-structured:
When I spend my time with my family, I feel warm, secure, and very happy. -----I added a comma.

Use a colon here -------> One thing is for sure: I'm very proud to be part of my family.

Writing Feedback / Dropping out; Encouraging the student to get involved in extracurriculars. [4]

Hi Mirela,

I'll try to show you where you need to do things differently.

The young people who don't complete their high school face many problems later in life, than do young people who graduate.----This is not correct. You need the word "more."

The young people who don't complete their high school face more problems later in life than do young people who graduate.

In my opinion, dropping out students who drop out have their own reasons.

Use the apostrophe:
Another factor which might lead to dropping out is the high level of parents' expectation from the child.

There are families, who , voluntary or not, require high performances from their children, which might be beyond his intellectual capabilities..They don't know their child's potential , and this one perceives the school too complicate for him, feeling that may lead to dropping out----I think you know how to fix the punctuation here. Put a period at the end of the sentence, and do not put a space before periods and commas.

Do it like this:
I think that each parent should have his own way of knowing if the child completes the assignment, misses school, fails the classes, or loses interest in school.

:-)

Graduate / I was ranked 500 between millions of students, and I can select top majors in Iran [3]

For this high passion it's enough that, in Iran there is a test that called KonKoor.----It's enough that... this does not make sense here.

This test is between all students in the country that finish high school and want to enter university. I was ranked 500 between millions of students, and I can select top majors in Iran (Electrical and mechanical engineering) for studying at university but I select chemical engineering (not really top in Iran) and of course I am glad for this selection. You used too many words to express a simple idea. I think you are thinking too much about the writing. You should think about one IMPORTANT idea you want the reader to gain about you. What is the single idea that you want the reader to remember about you?

I think it is an idea about your plan, your intention. What are you going to do?

I don't think you should tell the reader all the numbers, the GPA, etc. The reader can see that on your transcript.

You should tell the reader about a plan, something you want to accomplish. If you read the news, and if you read chem. engineering journal articles, you will know what the world needs. Make a plan, and explain the plan to the reader. Show the reader one big idea.

I like this part:
One of the reasons that I didn't get PhD directly after finishing M.Sc. was that I really want to be familiar with industry and understand the industry's problems. My work experience fulfills me in this matter. As I really love research as well as chemical engineering, I tried to work in a research center. And of course I could . Now I have been am working in XXX Research Institute from 2005 to until now. This institute deals with all research projects that relating to XXXXand is the only one in Iran in this field. It has more than 300 researchers that most of them were top students from good universities of Iran. I am working in XXXX Department of this institute. We are working in projects that deal with the XXXX. I have worked in several research projects as a researcher or project manager, but as I worked in the field of membrane systems at university and I loved this technology, the most recent and important project that I am working now is titled" XXXXX" In this project, I am the project manager and ...---This part is great. It shows your experience.

The favorable research interests of me are My research interests include:
1- New and economic methods of XXXXX (pre combustion or post combustion).
2- Membrane separation processes.

:-)

Writing Feedback / The role of parents in school: students to study more and be responsible [6]

Capitalize the first letter of every sentence!
Also, use the apostrophe:
... in fact, contemporary research has already revealed the need for parents ' involvement to promote children's success in school.

I notice that you put a space before a comma sometimes. You should put a space after the comma, not before it.

:-)

Writing Feedback / Good and Bad effects of TOURISM [3]

Another high quality edit from Ana...

I agree with that advice about using shorter sentences. It is easier for both the writer and the reader. Here, the sentence got too long and became incorrect:

Obviously, the economy of the country to be visited becomes stronger as more visitors spend money in that area, and more jobs are created for local people. ----I fixed it with AND.

Here is a way you can use AS WELL AS:
In conclusion, tourism is beneficial as well as harmful. It has a bad impact on the area and the residents. However, these harmful effects can be controlled and problems can be solved if governments make policies that favour native people.

:-)

Undergraduate / "the magic of origami" - Stanford intellectually engaging essay [6]

Try to remove THAT whenever you can:
Who would have thought that a plain piece of paper could inspire potentially life-saving technologies?
----------I don't know if "potentially" is necessary in the sentence. Always kill the unnecessary modifiers. :-)

The idea seemed rather chimerical until I stumbled across the art of origami in a desperate attempt to recycle scrap paper.--This is cool!

In this case, I'll add a THAT instead of removing it, ha ha:
I never thought science and art were correlated, but it turns out that the two disciplines are ...

:-)
Congratulations on being a great writer!

Writing Feedback / "I love you mom and you're the light of my eyes" - My mom essay [4]

I'll correct some of the grammar:

Mother is a school teacher who prepares you to act with wisdom.

I have been prepared well by my mother to face the challenges of this life.

people of good races---I don't know what this means!

Women represent half of society -- as mothers, sisters, daughters, wives, and so forth, and all are agents acting with feminine wisdom.

My mother is the source of affection and tender care and without limits. -------Excellent sentence!!!

Also, Is my mother is the unknown soldier that stayed up nights with me and sponsored two and focused on pain protected me against danger and pain.

She is the altruism and generosity and the true love which gives me everything free of charge, guiding me to the right path and psychological calmness.

In addition, she made many sacrifices to provide me money, clothing and psychological comfort, and she taught me how to become a strong, cohesive individual in this life.

In conclusion, no matter how I talked about ...

:-) I did he best I could! You still have a lot of work to do, but you can do it! Keep practicing the simple sentences, and get good grammar habits.

Book Reports / An analytical study to Samuel Beckett's play Waiting for Godot. [12]

In waiting for Godot---Capitalize those words! :-)

Use a spell checker program: remeber

... met anyone today. So don't count on me to enlighten you.5 ---If this is a quote, put it inside " " marks.

Capitalization---> New york;1954.)

Put a period at the end:
The fact that Vladimir and Estragon one day are waiting some one somewhere to save them can be seen as a "man's struggle to find a distant place or existence full of meaning and sense"

Writing Feedback / "BUY NOTHING DAY" -- More often that once each year. [5]

Buy Nothing Day is observed around the world each November. In honor of the holiday, you will take an entire day off from purchasing anything. The purpose of this holiday is to ...----Wow, I bet the retailers do not like this holiday! :-)

I think it is better like this:
This not only wastes money but also wastes natural resources.

The day after Buy Nothing Day, write about how you feel. Was it difficult for you to abstain from buying for a day?---Oh, ha ha! I was correcting the prompt. I do that all the time!

Thanks, Ana and Kate! Great advice...

Scholarship / A career in journalism - Academic or Career Goals Essay [3]

Hi Kate, thanks for the great work you have been doing to help other essayists! :-)

If you want to be a stickler for grammar & style, you can switch it like this:

They say your career should be something of which you never grow tired, that your interest is...---Also, I think the word something should be changed to "a pursuit"...

... volunteering with AmeriCorps or getting a paid internship to be able to ensure my ability to pay for college.

I have an undeniable, unquenchable thirst for the experience of helping those in need, whether ...

A crucial goal in my life is making a difference,----I think this is too vague. Instead of just saying "make a difference" refer to the particular plan you have for making a difference. A person with a plan is to be taken seriously.

Great writing here! We are lucky to have you at EF.

Letters / Cover Letter for Research Assistant for MP UK [3]

During my degree program, I have written a great number of ess ays and research papers, and therefore my research skills are at the highest level. Plus, I know how to use any Internet resources in order to make the most out of research. Essay writing, especially, gave me ...

I think four looks nicer than 4.
After studying politics and living in the UK for four years, I became particularly appealing drawn to the Labour party, because I stand for innovation, for equal opportunities, and for center-left politics.

Having extensively researched your work, I can say that I am strongly appeal to the state pension age campaign and understand what a serious impact it is has on lives of working women.

:-)

Writing Feedback / Ielts - it would be unwise to assume a good economy is all that's needed for a country [3]

For this concept, ???

The government exerts effort to convert as an affluent country this concept, government put on effort to convert as ensure an affluent country by some means of strategic planning.

While a vast number of people believe that the economic development can bring a country a certain amount of success, some people think that there are many other factors left to be highlighted.

Good sentence! --->Finally, to build a reputation as a well developed nation, the advanced technology has to be applied widely throughout the country.

Moreover, the government should invest a certain extent portion of the budget into the projects associated with technology research.

:-)

Writing Feedback / 'Understand others' emotion, attitude and feelings' - face-to-face communication is better [2]

Good points about the use of expression (eyebrows, etc) in face-to-face communication!

They all affect the way we are in touch with other people at some aspects in certain ways, but they cannot replace...

I like this sentence:
For instance, a smile can bring a sense of friendliness; therefore, people can talk with you comfortably.

I think you did make a strong argument, but only because it is such an easy argument to make! You can dig deeper and point out something less obvious. For example, acknowledge that email is better than face-to-face simply because it can reach over great distances and provide a record of communication. It is better in some ways than face-to-face. So, acknowledge the advantages of other forms of communication, and then show that face-to-face is still better.

:-)

Undergraduate / My life story (father in Air Force, school) - UCF application [5]

It's because of this opening sentence:


This establishes our attention on the move happening in the past tense. Then, as we reach back even further we use that strange "past perfect" tense. You are not wrong, though! It really would be alright to use the past tense. But in a situation like this, maybe past perfect sounds better. Well, to be honest, though, I might be thinking about it the wrong way...

:-)

Letters / Letter of Motivation for a graduate study In Advance Clay Science [4]

This motivated me to devote myself in acquiring acquire in-depth knowledge of clay and other earthy materials at the senior high level of my education.----"devote myself in" did not sound right.

Amazingly It's not amazing that devotion led to thrilling experience. Try not to use too many adverbs.
My devotion to study in this area brought me the most thrilling experience to pursue Bachelor of Art degree in Industrial Art.

It is my quest---er... maybe a little too dramatic.

More reasons are the scholarships offered by -------------, ---this part does not seem to make sense, and I don't know how to fix it! :-/

... financial relief for brilliant students therefore offering the opportunity to pursue academic, social and career goals and the multiple degrees which is are awarded after successful completion of the programme.

Other than this, I don't have any complaints about it! Your writing shows how intelligent you are. :-)

Writing Feedback / Giving mobile phones to the unemployed (IELTS ESSAY) [6]

Always say FROM a point of view. The point of view is the point from which you view something.

In short, if the government provides those without work with a mobile phone, they will be able to find themselves an occupation in order to live and survive.---This is very clear. Great job!!

Nonetheless, looking from another perspective, supplying ...----again, great job.

To illustrate this further, the money can be used to build more amenities for the public or given to the poor so that they can use it to help them earn a living.

Yes, i could also be used to fund a public employment agency, which people could use to find jobs. I think that is a more effective method than jus giving everyone a phone. But then again, if someone cannot afford a phone, I guess it is very important to have one...

Furthermore, when hand phones are provided for free, many would will want to take advantage of this opportunity.

To put it in a nutshell, the suggestion of providing those who are jobless with mobile phones capable of accessing are accessible the Internet is not a proper and (too complicated) the best way to trim down the rate of unemployment.

You are ready for the ietls, I think. It will be easy for you! Just make sure you keep the sentences simple. The famous writer, Hemingway, is known for his simple, powerful language.

Complicated language is for people who wan to show off. People with Wisdom, like Yoda, use simple sentences. :-)

Writing Feedback / USE OF CCTV CAMERAS (IELTS ESSAY) [6]

Maybe you can get it within the limit if you write 3 small paragraphs with 4 sentences in each paragraph. That way, you can give a well-organized essay in 250 words. The paragraphs will be short, though!

Faq, Help / Any way to share my essay in private? [11]

Hi "Bob Smith!" :-) An online forum is probably not the best place to get writing help if you don't want others to see the info. You'll have to hire an editor or something. But at EssayForum, you make a contribution by posting your essay so that others can learn from looking at your writing, the corrections, the progress, etc.

If you don't want to post your writing in public, that is totally understandable. But we are here to help if you have a piece of writing you don't mind sharing with the world.

Thanks, Ajit, for answering this question! :-)

Undergraduate / "To become a Physician Assistant; The Emergency Room Doors" - PA App [2]

While many might see this incident as distressing and defeating, This particular experience was pivotal in my life.---I think it is better without the first part of the sentence.I don't know how to explain why! :-)

It caused me to wonder if this child had been seen by a primary care provider and if it could have been prevented.

Enable might be better: My experience will enable me to have the ability to be understanding and flexible; I will be able to treat a patients effectively and in a comprehensive manner and not merely attend to the symptoms in a reactive way.---This part might be a little too vague. Can you give specific ideas, instead... perhaps ideas based on your philosophy of medicine? It will be great if they are unique ideas that the reader has never considered.

Very strong writing, here! I'm glad to have excellent people like you in the profession, because I am constantly injuring myself...

Undergraduate / "Sharing blessings is what makes life worth living" - experience that has molded you [4]


Hey, you write very well! Great rhythm and detail...

You only need a hyphen between YEAR and OLD:
seven year-old

I joined my sister in dumping our toys into an unorganized a disorganized pile at the ...--I think it sounds nicer this way.

Great use of the word schemingly!!

... placed them in the box with our mother standing beside it, arms crossed. ---I streamlined a little here...

The happiness I felt was not only because Emily the Mermaid would get a new home, but that I was assured that I got to brighten up a child's Christmas.---Excellent writing here!!

From simply being of assistance, to choosing my university, I know that these acts and decisions shouldn't only satisfy my own desires. ---I like this part.

This is one of the primary reasons I'm choosing ____ university, because of its prestigious education it's offering as well as the numerous community involvements it has to promote holistic formation.... and capabilities I posses to further help the society.-----I think this ending is too vague. If you really want to help society, you have to have a plan with specific goals and deadlines that you set for yourself.

Great job! It is better than you think.

Writing Feedback / TOEFL: People today spend too much time on personal enjoyment - doing things ...... [3]

That first sentence is a difficult one! I tis difficult to refer to a topic this way. I'll give a suggestion about how to do it:

The topic question of how people should spend their time can be approached from different angles due to it's complexity. ---Now it is a great sentence!!

Some people prefer people today spend too much time on enjoyment than the things they should do, while others disagree with it such a practice. I have also developed my own point of view.

First of all, it is easier than before that people can for people to access any kind of entertainment by using the Internet.

Which This means that people only need to turn on the computer, and ...

The best time for you to browse the news on CNN is the first half hour when you get into the office; the time to see a movie trailer on Youtube is when your boss doesn't pay attention at the office. ---Ha ha... :-)

Finally, you will sacrifice too much time unconsciously on the things you should not do because it is too easy to access this entertainment.

Second, the invention of smart phone also cause a deep affection on the way of enjoyment.---This sentence does not really make sense. Can you simplify it?

With the reasons above, I think people spend too much time on enjoyment rather than on the things they should do.

:-)

Essays / Yesterday, six people were trapped for five hours in a Wan Chai office. [4]


Yes, great advice, Chloe! Stories usually have a conflict, and they also usually have some sort of "love interest." Someone who is in love with someone. I guess that is the sort of story people like to read.

So... what is the conflict? Is it a natural disaster? A terrorist attack? Let your imagination carry you. I look forward to seeing what you write about!

Writing Feedback / TOEFL-Smoking should not be promitted in restaurants or other public places [9]


Ha ha, yeah... it's tough. We want to allow each other freedom..so we want to allow people to buy and sell products without obstacle... but we also want people to be safe and informed. I really enjoy the fact that pics like this go on cigarette packs... Even when I was a smoker I would have favored that sort of thing.


Good, because I just relapsed again!


I didn't know that rule, thanks! I assume that is to make it easier to chew... ;-)


haha, yeah, good point.

Reason for not eating meat: It makes me feel like a monster in a Tim Burton film!! Too weird... eating the animals. I recently discovered Morning Star Farms products... don't know if they are available where you all live, but.. they are so great!!


Ha ha... spoken like someone who has accidentally burnt her hair.


wow... LOL, as it were.


Thanks, Winnie!!
For example, if there is only one person smoking in a restaurant, all others will smoke unconsciously, and their health will be under attack.

Letters / "a place at biomedical sciences course in Norway" - letter to apply in UK [3]


Capitalize the first letter of every word in the opening salutation. Also, use a colon:
To Whom It May Concern:

My name is David Jacobson, and I am ...

My commitment and dedication to hard working (Instead of hard work, write about your commitment to achieving a particular goal in biomed science) is clear, and it remains a constant goal.

I am have been a sufferer of asthma myself since a young age. I understand ...

completely how terrible the disease can cause you in a lot of suffering and ...

:-)

Writing Feedback / TOEFL: Universities should give the same amount of money to their students' sports [4]

This writing is very strong! If you can always write like this, you will pass the toefl for sure. Just remember to keep the sentences simple and write sentences that you know you can write correctly.

The errors that people corrected in this thread are minor ones. For example:
In a nutshell, the advantages of sports activities which I mentioned above are undeniable, and people should change their minds about the necessity of sports activities.

:-)

Writing Feedback / TOEFL - the main point is to be sure if we can pay a loan or not [7]

Welcome to EssayForum, abc!!

Use a hyphen:
two-way

let's see another draft. Write a new draft, and include these corrections. Then, we'll see if you have any more errors.

***Remember to capitalize the fist word of every sentence!!

:-)

Undergraduate / Cornell Personal Essay-- "Taking the Leap" [3]

The most inspirational candidates are the ones who are hell bent on achieving a particular goal... especially if it is a specific goal. This is too vague: Cornell University would not only help me further my proficiency in the first three steps, but it would provide the education, programs, and challenges to increase my aptitude in all of my interests.

The familiar bunch-and-release of muscle caught me unprepared, and as my horse sailed over the jump and I lurched into the back of the saddle I wondered what Mary would say. --I took out a comma.


Hey, this is strong writing! You are too critical of yourself.

The verb tenses are great. Also, it is okay that you talk a lot about Mary, because that is what they asked about. But how can her influence empower you in your effort to achieve your specific goal, your meaningful goal?

:-) Welcome to EssayForum!!

Writing Feedback / one word essay on time & quality of our life. [4]

As our surroundings evolve into Too much
In a fast-paced, contemporary society, we are immersed in the mad rush to be more efficient and effective in our way of doing things, from ...

Or otherwise, does this obsession of with saving time, which is indoctrinated in the minds of our generation, in fact deteriorate the quality of the things that we done, or even worse, quality of our life?---I added some commas and changed some words.

One of the most ubiquitous practices to save time

However, we have failed to realize the downside of multitasking, which is the lack of concentration as we can only give a portion of it for each task. ---Good point! I think you would enjoy the section of Suzuki's Zen Mind, Beginner's Mind called "Limiting Your Activity."

Meanwhile, what do we do with the valuable time that we so desperately tried to save up? If one claims that it can be used as time for relaxation, then one needs to be corrected.---Ha ha, clever...

I think "a" is better here:
The obsession with saving time also becomes the a driving force of continuous advancement in technology.

An example of it would be the introduction of mobile phones, which allow us to ...

Thus, saving time should not be the foremost concern in ...

:-) Welcome to EssayForum!!

Undergraduate / My life story (father in Air Force, school) - UCF application [5]

I think you can make the firs sentence more interesting if you wait for some inspiration to come, and... write a srange, surprising, interesting sentence that hints at the concept that is central to this essay. :-)

Also, I'll add a comma and fix grammar here:
A few months before I moved to America, my grandmother had sat me down and taught me how to draw the scenery in front of us, but I couldn't draw the flowers with the detail and intricacy that she was able to achieve.

As a ten year-old, moving was...

(I want my next paragraph to be number 3..But I'm not sure how I should start the next paragraph. What I do know is that I feel as if I belong at UCF because the university has many opportunities that will help me reach my goals. Any suggestions?)

(tell the truth, is it good or not? I'm nervous about this)---You have a nice style of writing! Also, I think everyone can remember how it was in school when one student had an accent that made her seem "different"... so he reader can really relate to that.

However, let me tell you something important: When the reader finishes reading, she will have one thought in mind. She will be thinking about one main idea of your essay. Like a powerful concentration of all one's resources into a single moment, you should make it so that the concepts in this essay all relate to one awesome idea. So... what is your theme? Your reason for applying o this school? What is your big idea? As you continue to write, let the story about your grandmother and the story about your move converge on a single, excellent idea.

Undergraduate / Issue of importance to you - help me for my admision [9]

Great advice here! Yeah, the hardest thing is to get started. But here is a hint: Start by reading something interesting about an issue.

Julia Cameron wrote a book called The Artist's Way, and it includes a concept called the Artist's Date. It is important to do something to nourish your creative inspiration.

So... read an article about an issue you might be able to help solve when you enter your chosen field. What is your chosen professional field?

Undergraduate / "the magic of origami" - Stanford intellectually engaging essay [6]

Awesome writing here. They are going to like you. I suggest a dash after "birds" -- to help youmanage that long sentence. Pretty great sentence!!!

Strunk & White say, "use a comma after the conjunction in a compound sentence:
It is where art meets science, and it is the most magical concept.

Okay, so... my rule for this sort of thing is non-negotiable: if possible, find a way to relate this to your overall theme for the application -- the single, specific aspiration that is easy to remember and is your reason for choosing Standford rather than a different school. :-)

Undergraduate / Transitioning: The Start of a New Life ("the line of straight A's were hung") [3]

You started the first sentence with "to..."
So, let's start the second sentence with a gerund instead:
To say that being taken out of what I've known my whole life is challenging is an understatement. Adapting and altering my way of life has been the greatest challenge I have ever faced.-----Almost always, it is better to use the first person perspective. Do not address the reader as though you are preaching to her.

...couldn't help but realize that ... ---Can you use a different verb here? "Realize" does not seem right.

I like this essay, and I just want to give you some advice that I often give: Stay mindful of the single, powerful message you want to give your reader with your application -- the theme of your application. It should have something to do with the goal that makes you want to attend this school. Your career aspiration should be mentioned here somehow, as though everything you say or write leads back to your reason for applying to this school. Can you incorporate your SPECIFIC aspiration into this essay somehow -- perhaps at the end?

:-)

Essays / Do sales benefit shoppers or cause them to be on the losing end? Need essay idea... [3]


The grammar in this sentence is a little messed up.

The question is not very good, because obviously a sale benefits shoppers if the sale price is lower than it normally would be. The extent to which it can make them spend more than they normally would all depends on how well the shoppers can resist the urge to overspend and how well the sale presentations encourage them to overspend.

I think it is not fair that they make you take a stand for one side of the question or the other. Sometimes things are not so simple! :-)

Writing Feedback / agree/disagree - moving to different countries or towns is not good because [3]

An Ongoing ongoing debate exists over whether moving to different places is a good idea, because it makes us lose old friends.

Although it is impossible to have food together, talking face to face, we still can maintain our friendship without any breach in relations.---I added a comma.

Second, living in different places brings us to have opportunities to experience various cultures and lifestyles. ----Lifestyles is one word.

To sum up, we don't have to be afraid of losing our old friends because we can enjoy highly developed communication technology that makes the wide world to become one global village.

Writing Feedback / TOEFL-Smoking should not be promitted in restaurants or other public places [9]

Wow, awesome! That really is what cigarette packs look like there? I don't think that could be done in America. The people with the money are too powerful; it won't happen.

Thanks for sharing that! And yes.. being around cigarettes might make me smoke. And also, I recently quit eating meat, but I relapsed a few times when I was around really good food that I love... I am a product of my environment. Maybe I'll toughen up and become all-powerful.