Undergraduate / Peace Corps Essays: helping make life better for others [2]

With the current economy, environmental issues, and poor education systems, I found myself wondering how I can contribute to helping make life better for improving the lives of others.

Reciprocally, upon my return home to the U.S., I will be able to teach Americans about the people that live in the country that I served in.---- excellent! We can change it, though, so that the sentence does not end with a preposition:

Reciprocally, upon my return home to the U.S., I will be able to teach Americans about the people that live in the country in which I served.

My knowledge of service to people in a foreign country, understanding of foreign policy, and ability to integrate myself into a foreign culture via the Peace Corps will assist me in becoming a well-qualified member of the Department of State.


Right after this sentence, add one more sentence to the first paragraph of the essay -- a sentence that will convey the main theme for the whole essay... the memorable idea that you want the reader to remember.

I think both answers (essays) you give are very impressive! You should feel confident.

Undergraduate / Pitzer Supplement: Finding Social Equality [8]

Only passionate about certain things. Language seems really powerful to me. I'm from New England, grew up all over it.

About hypnosis and NLP... it's interesting that they are subjects from psychology but also very important subjects in writing --fiction or nonfiction, anything really.

Graduate / "becoming a successful entrepreneur" - MBA SOP-Rutgers [6]

I'm going to pass this suggestion along! Thanks! Sorry about the trouble you had. I think this might be a good suggestion.

Also, if you go give some feedback to other people who recently posted essays, and ask them to comment on yours, you'll get a lot of different perspectives about your essay.

Writing Feedback / Words effect (Cause and Effect essay - Power of words) [5]

I would get rid of the unclear, ambiguous stuff at the start, and begin with this powerful sentence:
Words in general have different impacts on people. Some words could have
positive effects on a person's life; on the other hand, other words could have negative
impacts on person's life. The word "orphan has a big effect on my life, but...

See, that is a strong way to start an essay!

After my father left us, everything had changed. We were like cattle that were abandoned by the shepherd; sight, we did not have any clue about what to do next, but sometimes

later we got used to the situation and we handled it. One day while I was walking home, a little child shouted at me and said "orphan" and fled to his home like a little kitty. ----- this is a great description.


This is a fascinating concept. Some people sit at the front of the class because they are serious students, but you sat at the front to avoid the others. And I bet you were a serious student, too.

All of this happened because of the isolation that I experienced before, which I think proved to be constructive rather than destructive.

Writing Feedback / Technical Article: How GNU/Linux differs from Unix [4]

There is a major misconception among people pertaining to GNU/Linux Operating system (OS), which is often referred to as Linux without Graphical User Interface (GUI). The misconception is that GNU/Linux is same as Unix; this is not true.

Unix was originally developed in 1969 by a group of AT&T employees at Bell labs. Currently the copyright of this...

Many Hackers/Programmers/Crackers showed interest in testing this kernel, and found out about many bugs, which were eventually fixed. This led to the development of a robust and secure Linux kernel.

Use a comma to make it easier to understand this sentence:
With the help of this project, commands and utilities that were used in Unix were developed for GNU/Linux.

:-)

Writing Feedback / "It is the artist, not the critic," GRE ISSUE144 [4]

We human beings always feel our oats when talking about arts. --- What does "feel our oats" mean? I don't know that expression.

It is generally acknowledged that artists are the ones who create the values of our civilization.

It is admitted that artists earn fame by their various art masterpieces, which are shining in our long history.

On the other side, critics always appear to be the opposites of artists. Film reviews by critics are always filled with challenges, and book reviews sometimes ruin a new book...

In this way, critics are not totally valueless; they help the artists create more valuable work to for society. --- nice! good point.

Moreover, I must emphasize that we should not forget the effect of critics in the spread of art works. When common people visit the art museum, it is not surprising to discover that we understand little about the paintings.--- good point!! You know, a lot of great artists are making music and visual art in every city, but they are unknown because they have not been discovered by critics in the industry.

I recommend a longer conclusion paragraph. It is good to have a long, thoughtful conclusion. In this essay, you could combine the short last paragraph with the one that comes before it.

:-)

Undergraduate / research techniques to experiment design - activities extracurricular & personal [7]

I've been assisting a Ph.D. students in a laboratory since the beginning of my freshmen year. I tried to learn various research techniques to associated with experimental designs. As a result, I spent half of my days in the laboratory. My research goal was to identify the functions of specific DNA sequences of mice. Most days, my supervisor was gone, so I asked different people in the lab about protocols.

ow we can switch to the present verb tense, so start a new paragraph:

Paragraph #2:
Each person has a different protocol. I choose one; if it does not work, I try different one. Ultimately, I create my own protocol that works for this one my purpose. My supervisors tell me to ...

excellent, this is very good!!

My creativity and imagination has have

..not been damaged yet, which is why some procedures that I do seem bizarre to other people. --- awesome, I love it!

Writing Feedback / TOEFL:reading fiction or watching movies [2]

Reading fiction is more advantageous than watching movies.
First of all, reading fiction such as novels or short stories , does not impair the sight as watching movies does .

This is more practical, especially for people who have a very busy schedule.

Another advantage of reading fiction is that it allows people to be gain a good vocabulary.

For example, schools generally coerce their students to read some novels in order to improve their level of reading and stimulation.--- this is a great sentence. It makes it sound like schools are very forceful, resorting to violence and blackmail to force students to read novels. The word "coerce" is a strong word that implies forcefulness.

Whether people choose to read fiction or watch movies , the best is to choose the one that is more beneficial without being too much possessed by it.

The ending is excellent!! Also, thanks for all the help I see you giving people here. Please check out essayforum.com/ef-contributor-page/

Undergraduate / STUDY ABROAD IN NEPAL [2]

I like your explanation of "aspiration tuning into desperation."

At first the global health aspect about of the seminar had caught my attention, but when I found out about the chance to go to Himalayas my aspiration turned into desperation. to attend this trip.

Streamline it:
I apply the patience and perseverance required to achieve my goal while taking all these weeding science classes, and I have slowly begun questioning myself again: am I smart enough? Isn't there anything else I want to do?

I like how you start and end with some sentences about the trip. It'll be good if you think of the main theme of the whole essay, capture it in a sentence, and place that sentence at the end of that short first paragraph. That will help the reader to identify your central message that you want them to remember.

Scholarship / indicate my educational & professional goals, describe my current & future plans [5]

Very interesting living arrangement! It sounds nice...

I don't think integral is the best word to use.

Here is an incomplete sentence:
Thus easing the patient's or caretaker's burden somewhat and giving the patient a better quality of life.
Thus is another word, like integral, that seems unnatural.
I can ease the patient's or caretaker's burden somewhat, and giving the patient a better quality of life.

:-)

Undergraduate / "long-range college and career plan" - FSU Summer Program [2]


I think this approach might be a little too common and sort of generic.

How about focusing on your career plans? You must have ideas about scientific research you want to do and problems you want to help solve. Describe a mission for your life, and then refer to the program's accolades and accomplished grads... paint a picture of your future, and then paint a picture of your time at the program.

Undergraduate / Vanderbilt Summer Program (Science Outreach Program) [7]

A smoky room. Poor v entilation and dim lighting. A middle aged man circumscribes maneuvers around the perimeter of the lab station.

More than a century later, a young 6th grader is gleefully ----- no need to say "young" when you are saying 6th grader.

Yes, this is great stuff; I can see how serious you are about it, and many students don't have very serious academic interests.
My 6th grade replication and later research have greatly...

Book Reports / the potrayal of women in a negative light - Hamlet, Thesis required [2]


Ha ha, I wonder what that means, exactly.

"In William Shakespeare's misogynist play Hamlet, the only women are portrayed in a negative way due to the rudeness of the protagonists towards women and also through Gertrude and Ophelia's lack of clear sense of reality -- including passion for murderers of their own loved ones. , and their overall ."

How about that?
A lot of the people in Shakespeare's plays were stupid and/or reckless. That's because they are not intended to be realistic characters so much as they are intended to represent qualities of human nature.

Poetry / Is my colour poem any good? If not, how would you fix it? (Colour: Red) [3]

Cool rhythm! I hope the reader reads it with an awareness of the rhythm I think you heard when writing it.
"Other" comes so far after "another" that the reader can't appreciate the rhyme. How about getting rid of the excess repetition and streamlining:

Red the colour of emotions that stir the blood
Red the colour of anger which was felt by someone towards another
The colour of loathing, of fire between two lovers
The colour of her cheeks soon after, the colour of love
Crimson red, the colour like no other.

But I still don't like the last line. "Like no other" does not mean much, because no color is like another.
Question for you: What is the single message that you would like the reader to take away. It is not really something about the color red; it's something else, a unique insight from you.

Think of what it is, and modify according to it. Add a few lines if necessary, but express your own idea about something. It has to be about more than just the color.

:-)

Writing Feedback / TOEFL:a university plans to devlop a new research centre in your country. [2]

Most of the universities in the world seek to develop some research in some various countries. These research projects can be aimed for several fields, such as business or agriculture.

First of all , my country has a lot of areas of land, which are useful for the agriculture.

Most of these areas of land are left without any treatment.

The centre for research in agriculture can help my co-citizens to better exploit these lands.

In this case, the word "factor" is better:
Another factor that makes the centre of research for the agriculture more important than the centre of business research is the fact that the first one can create a lot of jobs.

For me, it seems that being a developed country does not mean we have to focus only on business, but instea we have to focus on what really brings us to the level of satisfaction, and agriculture for our country is the field that can realize that.

Excellent job, this is all very clear.

My country needs to focus more on the agriculture by establishing centers for...

Undergraduate / My father drew clean straight lines; TRANSFER (Architecture )-Reasons/ Objectives [6]

As my drawings progressed in the correlations of geometric shapes, I would attempt to design my ideal house with naïve realism. --- I'm not sure about what this means... they progressed in correlations of shapes. I think you have to explain it differently.

This is some good writing! I think, though, that you should give an intro para BEFORE telling the story of your childhood. Give an intro that answers the question about why you are transfering, and then go on to tell the story.

I almost want to suggest using paragraph 3 as the intro para, with some modifications to make it fit that way...

:-)

Undergraduate / 'Fifty-two' - Standford - Intellectually Engaging experience [5]


What a perfect intro to an essay. Thanks for letting me read this excellent piece of writing. It really is high quality stuff, good enough to be the intro to a chapter in a published book. Just a little editing is needed:

I'l change the commas a little:
I couldn't understand why people have fish instead of dogs or cats, as a pet because I cannot pet them, walk with them, or play with them. But my question didn't remain unanswered long, because I figured out the unique characteristic of guppies. I can make my own breed of guppy.

use a hyphen:
scissor-like

Guppies are more than a pet to me because they opened a new door for me: I can do experiments and studies on guppies. --- hahaha excellent!!

I think Rayniv's advice about too many ideas it true about the 2nd para, but I hope you don't change the 1st para too much!! It's great.

Letters / Cover letter for engineering research assistant post [7]

Congratulations!! That's great. Enjoy your process, and please check out essayforum.com/ef-contributor-page/

Use your powers to uphold justice and protect the innocent!

:-)

Undergraduate / Pitzer Supplement: Finding Social Equality [8]


Yep, I hear you. And it's good! I was having trouble explaining what I meant. I just thought it was interesting, and it reminded me of what I have recently read about "impact words" in neuro-linguistic programming -- a very cool subject.

Book Reports / (trouble finding evidence) - Passing by Nella Larsen [8]


Ha ha!! Yes you are! You certainly can understand, but you have the same problem I had when I was younger: I didn't know all my options.

If you want to understand what Larsen means, try googling this:

passing by nella larsen analysis symbolize Jordan Landry
or
fine, keen, acute observer passing by nella larsen analysis

If you take time to read what you find, you will be an expert and a "deep" enough person to understand anything!

Whenever you need to understand what scholars say about a particular novel, google the title along with the word "analysis"

Undergraduate / Baseball team, closer to God Transfer Essay, tell us something about yourself. [7]

Haha, well, transition sentences have always been difficult for me, too. But actually, if the 2 paragraphs are in the same essay there should be some connection between them. However, it is SO HARD to write one sentence that includes both... and actually, I think I agree with you. Transition sentences are not always good.

But that does not mean you had bad teachers! Maybe they know something we don't!

For writing, though, think of a bull's eye. The center of it is the main idea for the whole essay... and each concentric circle is one of the body paragraphs.

I can list all these ideas -- being a fighter, wanting to be closer to God, playing sports, -- but there is one overarching idea that is the main theme for your life as you understand it.

Search for that! And write about it in the last sentence of the first paragraph and first sentence of the last paragraph. Obviously, that is not always what you should do, but try it some time if you want to apply my bull's eye approach to essay writing (and introspection).

:-)

Writing Feedback / "people wanting to be important" - Definition essay: Pride [4]

It's not so hard to guess why these emails are so popular in Iran, even though a great deal of their contents is just consists of glorified but false statements on Iran's history. It's simple; when there has been nothing to be proud of in the present, Iranians have decided to find something else to be proud of, even if it had happened 2000 years ago, and even if they didn't know if it had happened for sure.--- very good! You have an entertaining style of writing.

This is excellent!! One of my favorite essays ever.

Although it's different from the "Persian Pride" but it comes from the same wrong attitude. --- You can use although or but, but not both:

Although it's different from the "Persian Pride," but it comes from the same wrong attitude.

A "lot" is one thing (singular), so we say:
However there are is still a lot to be proud of.

:-)

Essays / Canada and UN: How do you start a intro paragraph in a persuasive essay? [3]

But until now Canada's role in the United Nations is slowly starting to diminish ...
wait a minute! What does this mean? Is it an error?
Maybe you mean to write:
In recent years, however, Canada's role in the UN is starting to diminish...

The way to start the first body para is with a topic sentence that makes one of your 3 points. The topic sentence is followed by a sentence that elaborates or explains a little. Then. give a sentence that has an example or quote. Finally, finish the para with a sentence that evaluates what you just said or that reflects on its implications.

Do that for every para!! It's a good recipe.

:-)

Book Reports / (trouble finding evidence) - Passing by Nella Larsen [8]

Irene Pushed Clare out of the window.
I'm not familiar with the book, but I can tell you something that might be helpful. When you try to determine what happened in fiction, it's not the same as trying to determine what happened in real life. That's because the author of fiction is not the same as the Author of real life. But in fiction, like in real life, the events unfold in a way that has symbolic meaning sometimes. So, you can make an argument that Irene did it and base your argument on what Irene represents and what Clare represents.

Graduate / 100-word statement of purpose for MA program in Political Science [6]

This sentence seems to need a little fixing:
Guided by the enthusiasm to strengthen my economic knowledge with critical understanding of political processes I apply for the MA program in Political Science.---- I don't think enthusiasm guides. I think it drives... or maybe it results as a byproduct of what drives.

Nice last sentence!!

Undergraduate / Baseball team, closer to God Transfer Essay, tell us something about yourself. [7]

Here is one more idea I had:
I have had passed over some obstacles that I thought I would never manage to pass over overcome.

As you revise a little each day, look at how the first sentence of each paragraph compares to the last:
I feel that God put me in Broward College to mature more to the college level, and prepare me for a university. ...--------> I learned it was by coding, an entire other language; the complexity of the code amazed me but I wanted to know how it was done, how it was written.

With this paragraph above, you can see that the paragraph is not all focused on one idea. It slips off-topic. You can fix it by giving it a topic sentence that captures the main idea of the paragraph, or by changing the conclusion sentence to refer back to the topic sentence.

:-)

Undergraduate / 'ALL INDIA RANK' - NUS ADMISSION - talent, a personal experience or an activity [7]


Well, this stuff is very cumbersome. I think you can use semi-colons to eliminate characters:

Because of my tenacity, I experienced several successes: received a CERTIFICATE OF MERIT for securing INTERNATIONAL RANK 269 in the INTERNATIONAL MATHEMATICS OLYMPIAD 2008 competing with the best brains of the world; was awarded a cash prize of Rs 5000/- for obtaining 1st position in the vision talent search examination-2008 competing with regional toppers and thousands of other students; I received a cash prize of Rs 5000/- from CBSE for being amongst the top 100 in CBSE BOARD EXAMINATIONS 2008 ALL INDIA, and also for securing ALL INDIA RANK 14 by KVS in the CBSE BOARD EXAMINATION 2008; received CASH AWARDS and CERTIFICATES OF MERIT from DIRECTOR GENERAL, CSIR for exceptional performance in studies and extra curricular activities.

ut this stuff above... isn't it included in your transcript already? Maybe it is not necessary to include this stuff in the essay.

You wrote "cash aware" lots of times. Maybe you can take that out in a few places.

Writing Feedback / SAT prep essay about materialism [3]

While countries like America and England enjoy ...

Because of low production costs, and because of American and English materialistic tendencies, the clothing industry owners reap huge benefits.

In this way, some countries' materialism leaves other countries in a shameful state of deprivation.

Modern society's materialism has caused debt and deprivation in today's world, and it should be criticized.

Excellent job!
Some have touted money as the root of all evil, but perhaps we should now shift the blame to materialism.------->I wonder if you could come up with a last sentence that is even better than this one. To say that money is the rot of evil is sort of the SAME as saying materialism is the root of evil. I think you can come up with a better way to end this. It is, as Randy said, very well-written!!

Writing Feedback / TOEFL:Sport may be dangerous if we will become possessed by it too much. [3]

You didn't capitalize the first letter of the essay.

Whatever the reasons for the sport practiced by young children, practicing sport has some advantages and disadvantages.

Sport is one of the most important things that help young children to stay healthy.

By practicing sports young people can stay ...

Another advantage of the practicing of sports by young children is that ...

On the other hand , spending much time practicing sports by young children has other consequences that can negatively affect the entire life of the young child. The child at this age can be influenced a lot by the sport. Thus, the sport will divert them from focusing on their studies. Also, when children spend much of their time in practicing sports, it leads them to be less sociable. They will miss the opportunity to share some time with their families or their friends. Progressively, they will become lonely and lose contact with people.

It is good and important that young children practice sports, but it will be dangerous for them if they become possessed by it. The right thing is to give each thing the adequate time.

Awesome! You write very well, very clearly with only small mistakes.

Undergraduate / Stanford: Profile questions- favorite books, significant issues, etc [8]

Use the "active voice":
I spent the summer of 2008 working in the taro fields of Hana, Maui.

I had a chance to learn about the cultural roots of my Hawaiian Ancestry. --- cool!

During:
During the summer of 2009 I traveled to Japan. My main focus of the trip was to reconnect with my Japaneses heritage and spend time with my family.

Writing Feedback / Photographs/ Reminisce about the past ; Classification Essay [6]

Sounds like a tough class, but it will make you a good writer! I think you should google dianna hacker and read her writing advice. She explains everything in a way that really helped me a long time ago.

Good luck!! Get your teachers to spend extra time with you! These are tough concepts, but you can learn what they all mean.

Undergraduate / "an education in a foreign country" - What might you contribute the College? [5]

This sentence is not very clear:
I want to cope with challenges that would help me much for my life.
The word "cope" is not very good here.

How about:
I want to experience challenges and successes that will prepare me for my work as a ________ me much for my life .

No need to capitalize "but":
I might face many difficulties, such as language barriers, lifestyle differences, and social challenges... but I am ready for all.

:-)

Writing Feedback / History & Literature Vs Science & Mathematics; Every subject is important [2]

Taylor, that's really nice of you to spend so much time with it.
The argument over...
Some people may believe that studying science and mathematics is more...

... since they serve as functional tools to many companies, yet...

Studying is not productive. Like this:
Opponents may argue that studying such things is not productive ...

In conclusion, i do not see many benefits in spending most of one's valuable time ...

:-)

Writing Feedback / IELTS Writing: opinions on children's part-time job [5]

...to avoid acquiring some inappropriate habits from the workplace.

It is evident that children will grow up; eventually they have to deal with their work in adulthood.

This is an incomplete sentence:
For instance, being punctual and insisting on the performance of work, and so on.
For instance, they need to know the importance of being punctual and insisting on the performance of work, and so on.

Hey Enda, you are a hero!! Nice job...

Writing Feedback / What difficulties will face your country in the next ten years? [4]


That's very daring of you!! :-D Well, I don't dare give a score, because I don't know how youy test will be graded.

Having X provides Y
You can't say "having --- provide"
Having rich natural resources like oil, gas and coal provides obvious privileges for some countries, but in most cases may easily lead economy to be more and more oil-based.

Having the biggest part of the budget income based on natural resources, the country`s economy has become fully oil-based except for a few other insignificant incomes.

Nobody ever really says "Thereby"
There by I dare to say that for foreseeable future we will probably have economical problems and budget deficits.

..as a result of improper allocation of income.

It looks like you may be using the wrong key for apostrophes: country`s it should be country's.

... or commodity which is demanded in the world's market.

The poor production sector only could be improved by properly reallocating oil-based funds to a poor industry sector.

Oil prices are very changeable like the currency in the world's market. It makes it very hard to plan budget allocations and investments.

Nice job! Seriously, this is so very clear and well-written. You are fluent in English, and you dn't make many mistakes at all.

Graduate / I have the tenacity, energy and desire; SOP for Global IT management [5]

In the past several years, after experiencing those colorful and meaningful events in my academic life and social life, I made it my goal to become an expert in ...

In addition to the academic study, I will attend a plenty of experiences to increase my research level skill.

...

I believe that the excellent professors and research environment in **** (university )could help me in realizing my dream. Many people who meet me at for the first time may think that I am quiet and introverted. However, if I have made up my mind to do something, I'll put my whole mind and energy into it. --- excellent!! This s good writing.

I have the tenacity, energy and desire to get over any difficulties in front of me, focusing and having a get-the-job-done attitude.---- perfect!!

Moreover, I have been an the top level of all my academic studies all the time.

If I can----> I will:
If I can get this chance to get into the new academic world again, I will do my best to be one of ****(university name) people whom my alma mater can be proud of in the future.

Undergraduate / Writing Sample For Admissions Purposes - The Pittsburgh Renaissance [2]


That's funny.

You write beautifully, almost beautifully enough to get the average reader to trudge through the long intro. But holy moly, I really advise against this marathon intro. You write well enough t be able to successfully fix it by doing this:

Take all that thoughtful material in these 2 paragraphs and transform it into a body paragraph.

Go back and make the intro something that consists of only half this amount of information.
Even though this sort of writing is common, it is not effective in these weird modern times. You must accommodate the average reader's tiny span of attention. Even for a professional writer/editor, reading this feels like running up a flight of stairs.

The good news is that you are a wicked awesome writer. But don't expect your readers to have minds as strong as yours.

"public-private" this is the way. A slash mark sort of means "or" but the hyphen puts them together.

Undergraduate / Stanford: Profile questions- favorite books, significant issues, etc [8]


Yes: use complete sentences! No need to make yourself seem less serious than the other applicants who write complete sentences. Write some beautiful, complete sentences.

My favorite authors include , Malcolm Gladwell, James Baldwin and Howard Gardner.

...so that greed and apathy are not resulting factors don't say resulting factors. factors are causes of things, not really results.
What other words can you use? The sentence is complex and impressive already. How about making it simple:
so that greed and apathy no longer control us.

Undergraduate / Pitzer Supplement: Finding Social Equality [8]

This is some good writing! It's good, because it makes me feel a real emotion. I want to point out something interesting, though: words in your essay make me feel upet!

google this: embedded commands hypnosis.
It is interesting how words like "confused and depressed" automatically make the reader feel confused and depressed. So, you are doing some interesting things to the subconscious mind.

The essay makes me feel disgusted, angry, frustrated. These are not good feelings, but the essay is good art, because it really creates a change in how I feel.

But it's also interesting to note that you have the option to use words that make people have positive associations. If I say something about feeling welcome and at ease, it makes the reader feel welcome and at ease.

So, your essay will probably impress the reader but it will also put her in a bad mood!

Writing Feedback / Sharuk Khan! He is my favorite hero. [6]

Sorry!! I can't give an accurate grade, because I don't know how these are scored.

But if it's up to me, I give you an A!!
:-D