Undergraduate / University of Washington Undergraduate Transfer (Business School) [2]


If you use microsoft word with a PC, you can right click any word to see a list of synonyms, and sometimes that is the way to find the best words.

In the year 2000, during my first year of high school, that my parents got divorced and I had to go live with my mom.

Write out the numbers in words:
It was not an easy choice for me to give up so many friendships and my lifestyle , but I was eager to learn and to start on a new path. While most students in Korea prepare for this test over the course of three years, I, because of my choices, could only spend a year and half studying -- but I still finished in the top ten percent!

You are great! Your story reminds me of my own. Actually, a lot of people chose like you! Good luck, you write very well.

Graduate / Politics, History and Economics - SOP- for Masters in Public Policy in the UK [3]

I am pretty impressed, Omkar! Please check out the EF_Contributor page!
this needs a comma:
...towards a technical education," said my career...

Now I could choose between pursuing Engineering or reading subjects like political science, economics and history.

we need a set of dashes to manage this long, complex sentence:
Though I've kept my interest in politics, history and economics by reading the relevant books and periodicals -- and also by tutoring middle and high schoolers in these subjects -- looking back, I feel that Engineering has been the best thing that's happened to me.

:-)

Writing Feedback / My Last weekend: "working around the house" [3]

Capitalize Internet.

...by watching TV and various kinds of movies.

I really enjoyed my weekend this way I am ok with it.
This is a run on sentence, but it could be fixed with a semi-colon:
I really enjoyed my weekend this way; I am okay with it.

Undergraduate / a psychology major, passion for learning: Common App transfer essay [4]


You should rewrite this sentence or replace it with something different. It is confusing and awkward. I think you can improve it.

I also think you should a one more sentence to the end of the first paragraph: a thesis statement that captures -- in a single sentence -- the main idea of the whole essay.


good sentence!!!

Moreover, I sought to be in an environment where professors encourage their students to make a difference inside and outside the classroom.

There are numerous goals that I wish and plan to accomplish in my lifetime. I wish to accomplish numerous goals in my lifetime.

Interesting stuff here... you are a ntural writer, I think... if there is such a thing.

Book Reports / Arthur Miller's The Crucible Literary Essay+ [2]

use a comma for the compound sentence:
They are forced to go against their morals and only the strong-willed are able to stick to what they believe is right and wrong .

They are Christian, and they care very much for their family.

You have excellent topic sentences! This esay has good structure, but a way to improve the structure would be to add one more sentence to the end of that intro paragraph. It ends with a sentence that says they have sims and differences, but one more sentence should be added: a thesis statement that expresses the main idea, the main observation you make after comparing and contrasting the two.

:-)

Writing Feedback / Schools are the only place to receive true education? toefl essay [4]

Some people argue that schools are not the only place to receive true education; they contend that there are many places to receive education. However, even though school is not the only place to learn, I have two ...

...encountering problems similar to those of their peers.

To illustrate, as a student I learned an enormous amount of information. By attending schools for twelve years, I learned so much information that I could not have learned in other places.

Secondly, schools are places that are proven to have potential to provide students with high-quality formal education.

For instance, my brother who is a teacher at an elementary school, has tried so hard to teach students. He studied very hard in science, English and Korean to teach children. After studying for two years he finally became a teacher and is teaching a lot of students.

To sum up, schools can provide students with much valuable information, and schools are places where students can learn from knowledgeable teachers. In this regard, I strongly believe schools are the best places to learn.

:-) nice job!! Keep practicing!!

Undergraduate / "father's illness" - Any challenges or obstacles you have faced in your life [4]

That is great! And he must have enormous wisdom after the reflection that must have been caused by that experience. Send him my regards!

:-D

Undergraduate / First Day at Maybeck High School: Personal Statement for College. [3]


hahaha! I like this sentence.

It was my first day at Maybeck High School. That morning, I woke up ...


You have an excellent way with words!

well-dressed---- use a hyphen

Don't capitalize some and not others:
Prior to my time at Maybeck, I had been fixated on labels and various social groups; jocks, emotional kids, popular kids, and nerds. I would categorize people into these groups according to their actions, the way they dressed, and who their friends were.

:-)

Undergraduate / Teaching, advising, and mentoring - Smith Supplement to meet my academic goals [6]

Yes, change that first sentence. That sentence could be written about almost any school. You should write a sentence about a way in which this school is better FOR YOU, with your particular vision, than another school is.

:-)

Undergraduate / Hearts of my peers and teachers- greatest contribution to your school/community [5]

Yes, combine them and you have a solid intro. I would change this last sentence, though:
Optimism also enables me to shape my future; one aspect of life that I can control is my positive outlook towards it, and this has helped me in my academic, social, and personal life.

or something like that!

:-)

About the comma: I already moved it for you! Compare my sentence to yours and you'll see. Sorry I was unclear.

Undergraduate / Narrative on GOALS (financial obligations and special circumstances) [2]

You forgot an apostrophe:
I became fascinated by how our forefathers' experiment, a republican democracy, evolved...

Do you have room to add one more paragraph? If so, it would be good to sum everything up and capture the main theme of the essay in a final paragraph. Celebrate the combination of child advocacy and American law.

I think you should at least rewrite this sentence, even if you have reached the maximum word count and cannot add another paragraph: As a student in college, I aspire to think critically and creatively to gain a solid foundation to succeed in the future as a Family Law Advocate. That sentence is too vague. I think you need to end with a sentence that is about the unique combination of family/child advocacy and law.

:-)

Book Reports / King Lear, Pompeii and The Truman Show---Comparative Essay [2]

Yes, this is difficult if you don't understand all the instructions. You have to really know the 3 works well to make up for it.

Google this: point by point compare contrast essay.

Those two titles they gave you are points of comparison.

First write a paragraph about the general vision and viewpoint of each: King Lear, Pompeii and The Truman Show

Post those 3 paragraphs here, and we'll look at them. So, that is three things to write in order to get started. Three paragraphs.

:-)

Undergraduate / My art works or my through the musically inclined voice, FSU Vires Artes Mores. [9]

No, this correction I just made is not a major one, just an idea. Be confident!

Undergraduate / applying undergraduate UK, Electronics and Electric engineering [2]

... came to realize that the study of Electronics was compelling me to become an electronic engineer.

Since my early childhood, I have never been studied hard in high school.

I fondly remember professors that helped me in applying logical methods in Mathematics and using physics with Electronic products; more than just scholarly meaning, I had a chronic experience of having good grades in college in Mathematics and the Cad program.

I spent my first year in college focusing on getting a job as soon as possible. On the other hand, I have been regretful about spending most of time with my friend and not studying hard. When I became began second year in college, I got a job

I spent almost a year in London to learn the English language. Living and studying in the UK had provided me excellent experiences of how international students are researching their studies and acquiring a sense of internationalism for me . This reinforced my desire to study my major in London. However, I couldn't ...

Although I wastefully spent my early 20s, I believe that I have achieved some great progress toward achieving my ultimate goal. People who give 100 percent of their ability will have successful results. Also, I will never give up in achieving what I have planned, and I will achieve the highest standards I possibly can.

Very impressive!! Keep practicing English by reading books aloud.

:-)

Dissertations / Values Exploration (compassion and woman's subjective experience) [2]

Validating a person's subjective experience and assisting in finding strength is a procedure common to many forms of therapy, not just feminist philosophy.

I am confused, because it asks you to talk about five values, but you named only 2.

Your answer will depend on what you are doing in this class or in your professional field. Are you training to be a counselor?

To personify your values, you have to give them personalities. What would compassion say to you about how she will help you?

Start with that...

I hope this helps! Please tell us a little more about the assignment. What are your 5 values?

Undergraduate / "ready to return to my learning state of mind" - SCAD STATEMENT OF PURPOSE [5]

I think you should chop off that melodramatic first sentence. Start with this:
Artistic from a young age, I was always motivated to build upon this talent.

You can write either not-for-profit or non-profit

Most of my work was flyer advertisement designs for parties. I figured since the flyer designs were for parties, I could attend these parties in order for my networks to further grow.---- awesome! You are my hero. I think you will do very well!!

here is an idea for you:
My learning "plateaued" and stopped for an ample amount of time; however I am ready to return to my learning state of mind.

:-)

Writing Feedback / The surest indicator of a great nation, welfare, GRE Issue Writing [2]

I think you should add one more sentence to that first paragraph. After telling the 2 different opinions, you should give the conclusion you draw while comparing them... the main idea of the essay. This is your thesis sentence.

I see that the last sentence of the whole essay would be a good thesis sentence. It tells your main idea, the conclusion of the whole essay.

Another point that undermines the speaker's assertion is that the founding of a fine welfare system may influence the money spent in other aspects if society, such as military forces and scientific research. supported by the government.

:-)

Undergraduate / Helen Miers: Someone who had made an impact on my life essay [5]

I am lucky to have met one of these important people while in a situation having that this person was able to greatly help me.

She had an amazing ability to spot out when someone had been having a bad day, whether It be by their attitude, choice of words, or simply facial expressions. ----- good sentence!!!

She would bring up ideas to me that I would never have thought of; for example, she inspired me to bring business and music together, and she showed me colleges and fields of work she thought I may like.

Although she was my choir director, she was also much like a counselor, and a close friend as well.

This is an extremely nice essay. I hope the choir director gets to see it!

:-)

Undergraduate / "liberal arts education and a tight-knit community" - Reason For TRANSFERRING. [7]

That first sentence seems a little melodramatic. How about simplifying a little:
As I find myself rapt in hollow thought, my mind traveling racing on a infinitely increasing path toward the universe's limits.

Ignore the negative, misleading connotations of the word "void."

For once, I will stand naked and proud, excited to show the world my true self. --- not appropriate on campus.

Okay, I get it, the rest of us are robots, and only you have the vision necessary for fresh originality. I guess I think this is great writing but not great for the occasion. I recommend rewriting this to focus on a particular field. Someone as forward thinking as you must have a clear plan for the future, so write an essay that shows how your reasons for transferring are based on a clearly envisioned plan.

:-)

Research Papers / Writing an Annotated Bibliography using 3 articles in APA format/style [6]


Is this supposed to say "reducing the amount of information gathered by the senses during a task"...?

I would use this article to show that the participants learn better by having the results in front of them.

The 2nd one is very good!

This article is about whether or not the material can be learned from writings or pictures. ---- this sentence is unclear. Of course information can be learned. Does the word "better" belong in there somewhere?

The study shows that when the participants watch the words on screen with spoken words, they spend a longer time looking at it than they do when they are just reading the words on screen.

:-)

Graduate / Government should place few, restrictions on scientific research and development [4]

That first sentence is confusing. How about this:
It is an intellectual policy to offer a reasonable amount of freedom to scientific research and development efforts.----- because the word "relative" makes me say, "relative to what?"

is of significant meaning to the nation for the consideration of both improving people's lives an d elevating the country's ability in competition over the world.

Adison Edison

In nineteenth century, the computer was first

Thus, a straightforward, direct way to broaden the contribution that science makes is to give scientific research more freedom and spare no effort to promote its development. ----- good sentence!! I just made a small change.

To sum up, my opinion is that while we encourage the flourishing of scientific development, our government should be alert about some potential negative influences caused by it. I believe with careful and objective consideration of science, we humans will welcome a new century of fast and healthy development of society.

:-) impressive, deep thinking! Your English is very good. Even though you have some small errors, your way of writing shows complex thinking and intelligence.

Writing Feedback / Thomas (Tommy) Clement Douglas Essay Gr.10 [8]

I hope you'll have success with this! The writing is high-quality, so you should be proud about that. If you are having trouble getting more pages written, all you have to do is search databases for some more readings about him. Use your school database or Google Scholar, or Questia or Jstor, and fins 3 more articles about him. As you read, you will find more subtopics, more points to make. It will about to more pages for you.

The readings are like fuel for the fire.

Just write and write, as fast as you get ideas, and then when you have enough material use copy-paste to move things around into a good sequence.

Good luck!!

Undergraduate / Eliot's "Prufrock"; College essay on literature that changed me [5]

Yeah, I thought punctuated equilibrium sounded familiar. It's a great term; I'm jealous of whoever came up with it. good luck!!!

Essays / Descriptive Essay on a historical building [4]


This is such an interesting sentence! I hope you use it in the essay.

Did you google "descriptive essay" to see explanations of how to do it? It is all about imagery words. That mens not only words that make the reader see something (i.e. red barn), but also words that convey texture, smells, and even emotions you feel when standing in front of the building.

350 words is going to be 3-4 paragraphs. Start with a very interesting sentence, and end the 1st paragraph with a sentence that you would use if you were required to write the whole essay in one sentence (the thesis statement)

You will have 2 body paragraphs, so think of a topic sentence for each. Google "topic sentences" if you don't know what they are.

Write a conclusion paragraph that elaborates on that main idea from the thesis statement. Give a good, thoughtful, descriptive presentation of the building.

:-D

Undergraduate / "father's illness" - Any challenges or obstacles you have faced in your life [4]

It was my aunt, speaking with unusually low and trembling voice.

Then, she told me something that left me completely shocked: my dad had brain hemorrhage and was taken to India for the surgery.

use a comma for a compound sentence:
I was angered at this, but I also understood their concern for me.
I wanted to go home and take care of my father, but...

But before things became worse, I realized that I had been faltering. Although it was hard for me to focus on studies amid all the happenings, I kept on working hard. My family, especially my father, would not have been happy if I did not perform well as a scholar.

Use periods:
U.S.
my aim with which I came to U.S. Moreover, during...

Nice ending! I don't think it is missing an "element."

:-) I hope you and your family are doing well.

Undergraduate / University of Toronto, Commerce Supplementary Essay [7]

Well... I don't like this opening sentence:
My extensive volunteering experience sprouted as a chore.

I don't know why! I guess I don't think an experience "sprouts." Also, the word "chore" creates a negative feeling in the reader's chest, ha ha...

If you have only 300 words to use, I think you used them quite well!

you can cut some unnecessary things... like... this is unnecessary:
The club presidents change yearly. However, I was never happy with certain aspects of the management of the club.

Add a brilliant thesis sentence! :-D

Book Reports / Precious based on book Push by Sapphire - English Essay for school [5]

Well, let's see how your next draft looks after you incorporate the suggestions you got, and we'll see what still needs improvement.

Undergraduate / Hearts of my peers and teachers- greatest contribution to your school/community [5]

Optimism is a great theme!

It's better to put those first 2 paragraphs together as one. Continue that theme of optimism in a well-developed intro paragraph.
move this comma:
As an optimistic person I realize that, while my mistakes are short-lived, the lessons that I can learn from them are endless.
And you should not end the paragraph with an "also" sentence. It should end with a reflective sentence that say something about the main idea of th paragraph.

Sometimes it is good to use the word enabled instead of "allowed."

Many classmates and teachers often doubted my ability, but that doubt only fueled my desire to succeed and seize new opportunities rather than to shy away from them.---- good sentence!

Along with optimism, you seem to have resilience and enthusiasm.

Undergraduate / "My two educations" - College essay [4]

This quote seems like it might be wrong: "There are two types of education... The kind that teaches you how to make a living, and the other that teaches you how to live."

or

"There are two types of education... One kind teaches you how to make a living, and the other how to live."--- these seem better. Check to make sure you quoted accurately! :-D

Oh! I am a goof ball. I see that the quote is in the prompt and you did indeed get it wrong. So... fix it! :-)


This sentence is confusing. Most of us are afraid of growing older because we are going to get weak and sick, and then die. Maybe it is not "growing older" that you should mention here. Maybe it is this: I am afraid of entering adulthood, ...

Endicott has always been a forward-thinking school, from the moment of its creation in 1939 to today.

This is some good writing! You did a good job of writing according to this quote.

Scholarship / Working with an autistic preschool boy, is it an OK subject to write about? [3]

Yes, it's excellent! You should read about special education reform, and google this:
Special education inclusion

That way, you can see how right you were to advocate for him. The ideal these days is to include special needs students in classrooms as much as possible.

I look forward to seeing your essay!

Undergraduate / 'Art Corporation' - University of Washington Art School Transfer [2]

Not much room for improvement here! It's great...

I would use a comma to manage this sentence:
Shortly after that, I began to volunteer at the Teacher's Resource Center for the Seattle Art Museum.

also, I HATE sentences that begin with "not only" ... it seems cliched.
Not only does t The center help teachers educate students of all ages about art, and I also have meaningful learning experiences every time I'm there. --- that's my idea for you.

How about this... how about you move this sentence to the end of the first para:
I am still introverted and enjoy my solitude; however I am no longer afraid of an unknown that prevents me from taking action.

Add it to the end, after that sentence about how your introversion affected you...and then write a intro new sentence for the conclusion para.

Essays / How high school influenced my learning- analysis to my essay also known as depth [3]

Yes, good answer, Michael! Analysis is often described as breaking something down into its parts. However, another approach is helpful here: Challenging ideas.

You can write arguments, and then write about what is wrong with those arguments. Then, you can consider other points of view. The idea is to make statements, and then talk a little about how those statements may be partially untrue. Like this:

When I write about how my first job affected my outlook on life, the first thing that comes to mind is a feeling that people are cruel. People were trying to make me do as much work as I would do, and they hired me because as a high school student I would accept low wages. this seems cruel. However, as I analyze my ideas, I have to also keep in mind the fact that I was not qualified for any other jobs, and I have to admit that it was kind -- not cruel -- to give me a job. After careful analysis, I see that job as an experience of a mixture of kindness and cruelness.

Research Papers / Should prostitution be legal? Thesis [3]

Prostitution is a worldwide, controversial matter that has been around for many years.

The many risk factors that follow prostitution, for example HIV, are one of many problems associated with going ...

The conclusion of this is very well-written! I think you have a fascinating subject here!!

Writing Feedback / Maternity and faternity - correct my essay and give some suggestions [4]

It is thoughtful, and your topic sentences do express the meaning of the paragraph as they are supposed to, but your English still needs work. For example:

In many developed countries both sexes are even in rights, even though, in jobs. --- I don't know what you mean here. I think you mean this:

In many developed countries, gender equality exists. Men and women have equal rights at home and also at work.

And here, I am not sure what you mean. I think you mean this:
It is true. Thus she obsesses all the love and relationship with over them, which means she should get recognition for all that she does.

Research Papers / Mexico - United States: Trading Partners, but not Allies (research) [2]


This thesis sentence would be more complete if you listed the key periods before ending the intro paragraph. You can even use a bulleted list of the points you are going to make. Many text books do that in the introduction to a chapter.

Don't make the contention confusing:
This chapter began with the contention that, although the United States and Mexico do not consider themselves allies, they have managed to cooperate when history demanded.

The way you had written it, it sounds like part of the contention is that they don't consider themselves allies, but your contention is actually that they have been able to cooperate.

This is great writing! Here is a place where some commas could be omitted to get the rhythm better:
The United States regards the borders of Mexico as a threat, and as a result they are unwilling to work with Mexico on any of that country's needs.

you don't need commas separating "as a result" because the fact that it is a result is part of the idea you are conveying.

:-)

Graduate / SoP on MBA (summer break in Vietnam) [7]

Let's use a semi-colon in this sentence:
My purpose for mentioning my job is not to boast about my success; all I wa nt to emphasize here is that I am ready to face any obstacles that may arise during two-year studies.

And this sentence should have fewer commas to make it less awkward:
Furthermore, I am truly attracted by the business environment in the Orange County, and as far as I know Fullerton and Irvine are its business and financial hubs .

This is going to be well-received. It's very impressive writing, and your reflection on the struggles people face is also impressive. Good luck, thanks for making our world better!

BTW, are you familiar with the work of Thich Nhat Hanh? Read his books!

Graduate / I Am Applying For Masters In Advertising, statement of purpose [4]


Who doesn't!? It's a statement of the obvious. "I believe" often makes a sentence weak. It is usually better to not include "I believe."

Even if you don't include "I believe" it is bad to start with a statement of the obvious.

I think that first paragraph is worthless. It doesn't say anything significant or unique. But you obviously write very well! I don't want you to think I'm criticizing you; I'm just telling you not to start a piece of writing with general, obvious statements that no one would disagree with. Intrigue the reader.

"the mere thought of discussing things with the experts"---- this is very general, too. How about we fill this essay with discussion of the principles of advertising, the professionals whose work you admire, and the role you see yourself playing in the future with (what kind of?) company.

Also, no more 2-sentence paragraphs! For good composition, fully develop each paragraph.
Also, start with an interesting point in the first para, and then make that same point again in the conclusion to reinforce it. In writing, we use a rule that is also used in advertising: Say it, explain it, and the say it again.

:-)

Poetry / "Mirrored behaviors.", English 12 Essay Comparing Two Poems (for BC, Canada) [5]

Well, that first sentence of the 2nd para is not too bad! However, I am looking for a strong thesis statement. I see this: Poets Sylvia Plath and Nelle Fertig express their opinions on idealism through "Mirror" and "I Have Come to the Conclusion," respectively.------ is this worth writing an essay about, or is it too general?

I say it is too general.

I see, though, that throughout the essay you keep making the point that each individual's idealism is unique. You can say something very meaningful by emphasizing this idea. But what is the way to emphasize something? Express the meaningful idea in a sentence at the end of the first para. Let that last sentence of the first para be the second-to-last sentence. Add one more sentence to the end of that para, a new thesis sentence -- one that expresses this excellent idea you have about the subjectivity and uniqueness of each person's set of ideals. :-)

Undergraduate / diligence and determination:What qualities or unique characteristics you possess [5]


Unless you are pursuing success in a weird circus act requiring crazy balance on a ladder!!

I, on the other hand, tend to take a step back to establish the best way to start and accomplish the task at hand.----- this does not show that you are diligent or determined. It shows that you are methodical. Consider revising this intro so that it makes sense! :-)

Determination has always been a quality that I have possessed. You already said this. Instead of saying it agan, give an example of determination you used when doing something that is involved wit your interests. For example, show that you have been determined to find success as a ________ (psychologist? Engineer?)

This is not a complete sentence. It has no verb: Whether it was getting the cookies out of the cookie jar when I was four years old or being the first person in my family to graduate college.

:-)

Book Reports / Precious based on book Push by Sapphire - English Essay for school [5]

The film Precious , based on a book called Push by Sapphire, is viewed with positive comments from different various people. They all think the movie was successful at showing the life of the main character, Claireece Precious Jones. (Now add 2 more sentences to this first paragraph. Let the reader know the main idea of this essay -- the idea you are suggesting about the film/book.

The movie represents the Precious from the book. You already said this at the beginning. Say something unique about the film/book. Make your own unique observation.

I felt like movie threw away the each character's thing (I don't know that word fit in here) original personality (from the book) just because the director wanted Precious to stand out that no one is fatter and uglier than she is.--- this is very good! I hope you will mention this in the intro and in the conclusion. Make this the meaningful theme of the essay.

:-)