Undergraduate /
The Other Children: Columbia University personal statement evaluation? [4]
As I sat down next to my parents on to one of the extravagantly designed yet extremely uncomfortable chairs at the grand table,
...sat down next to my parents on one of the... (you don't need the "to". you sit on a chair. not on to a chair.)
my cousins who smiled back but portrayed signs of apprehension to say anything while the adults were speaking.
a bit confusing... why the use of "but." "But" implies that there is a counterpoint. There seems to be no counterpoint here..
name of the real visionary who, at this moment was being stripped of his accomplishments
who, at this moment, was
without hesitation and yet with total respect
you can't use "and" and "yet" together. pick one (:
It was not common for my folks to see a "naive child", as they called it,
is it still a tradition to call kids like you a "naive child"? if so, it should be "they call it".
The table, which was, moments ago, filled with my grandfather's vivid depictions, went silent, as my relatives focused their pupils on this discrepant teenager.
try to clean that up; that's a whole bunch of commas.
every minute fact
am not a fan of the diction "minute"
of exchange; an exchange
that would be better with a : not ;
amused, and yet
again, you can't use "and" and "yet" together.
overall, pretty good. I know nothing about Indian culture but had no difficulty following the story.
I do think you complicate the story by adding so many commas. Although they aren't making your essay worse, they make the essay a bit difficult to read.
I like it (: Goodjob.