Writing Feedback / The Holy Mosque in Mecca, Saudi Arabia - essay describing a place you like to visit. [5]

Once again, I agree with Kevin. I liked reading the essay, as I have always enjoyed reading about the Muslim religion. It is a very colorful religion, very artful.

I have made only a few suggestions for you -- albeit small -- each one of them. Your essay is above reproach, indeed. Are you going to post any more essays?

--Mark :)

The Zamzam wall inside the mosque provides water, which is known to be a medicine for any disease if it is drunk with complete trust in curing

When the Imam recites verses softly with an angelic voice, tears comes to my eyes and I feel happy to the point that I never want him not to stop

It's a square shaped and covered with black clothe

Undergraduate / Volunteering at the homeless shelters- UC prompt #2 [3]

Hi Jeffrey!

I have to agree with Kevin. This is an amazing essay, and it definitely uplifted my own spirits! I recall volunteering at a homeless shelter myself when I attended college, and it, too, was an eye-opener for me. I still cannot get some of the images out of my head, and your essay seems to have brought some of them back to me. I enjoyed working -- or, er, volunteering -- at the homeless shelter. It happened to be situated not far from the college I attended.

Thanks for the essay, Jeff! I would like to see some more of your work on this forum!

--Mark :)

Writing Feedback / SPACE EXPLORATION IS A WASTEFUL ACTIVITY - AGREE? [4]

I am of the view that spending money on space exploration should not be considered as a wasteful activity. Although many critics argue that space travels have never achieved any major scientific breakthroughs compared to the major costs they involve, by considering the ongoing benefits they generate, some economic analyses have proved it otherwise. Moreover there are many other reasons to argue why space exploration is very important to the mankind;

--> Try this: It is my personal view that spending money on space exploration should not be considered a waste of time or money. Although there are many critics who might argue that space travel has never achieved any major scientific breakthroughs when compared to the cost that is invoked with traveling in space, some forms of economic analysis has proven otherwise. Additionally, there are many other reasons to make the argument that space exploration is very important to mankind.

--> Do you see the types of changes that I made? You might not agree with all of them, but they do allow the sentences to have meaning. I'd like to see you work with the second paragraph and see what you can come up with, by creating sentences that have meaning, or at least ones that can be understood.

--> I think that the intention that you had when writing this essay was good! You are indeed on the right track, so to speak. Now, all you need to do is re-work the essay and see if you can develop more meaningful sentence structure.

Cheers, and Good Luck!

--Mark :)

Writing Feedback / Parents? It depends on the circumstances of the child, to determine who is the best teacher [5]


Hi George,

I have changed the first paragraph of the essay, hoping that you can read it and grasp some of the reasons why I have made some of the changes. Perhaps it might help you if you were to read "The Elements of Style," as I see that you have at least formatted the essay with some reason. Go over the first paragraph and then get back with us. I think that you are on the right track!

A good teacher or a good mentor is the one who guides the child how to live a successful life.I donot agreee to the statement that parents are always the best teachers.In my opinion, it depends on the circumstances of the child, to determine who is his or her best teacher.In some cases the best teacher may be the child's school teacher or in some other case it may be the child's friend or even someone else.

--> Try this: A good teacher or a good mentor is one who is available to guide a child and teach him how to live a successful life. Personally, I do not agree with the statement that parents are always the best teachers. In my opinion, it all depends on many of the child's circumstances, and in some cases, the best teacher for a child may be the child's school teacher or in some other cases, it can be the child's friend or even someone else.

Writing Feedback / Is it important to maintain the extended relative relationship? [2]


Hi! I read through your essay, then I read through some of Kwang's corrections that were made in the last response to your essay. Not only do I agree with his corrections, I also agree with what he (or she) says at the end of the response. I think you ought to offer more of a counter-argument with regard to your essay. In other words, the essay needs work with respect to the corrections, but it could also hold more views with respect to the argument in the other direction, or coming from a different perspective. I think that you have a wonderful essay here, and I also think that you did a good job putting it together -- now just work in it a little more, polish it up for us -- so that we can read it again. Does this make sense to you?

--Mark :)

Undergraduate / Purdue Essay - Professional and Personal Goals ("engineering is challenging") [4]

Jessica,

I think that your essay is great! It really tells us something about yourself and your own aspirations and it tells us why you want to pursue a degree at Purdue. I hope that you do well; you do know that EE is an extremely difficult course!

Along with the other corrections made in the previous post, I am offering these to you as well. I wish you luck in your endeavors!

--Mark :)

Purdue,being ranked 11th place for the best engineering college in the United States, seems like the obvious choice for me, since I want to pursue a career in engineering.

When I look back on high school and how much I have learned through out my classes, I know I have advanced, so mucha great deal, towards becoming an engineer.

Writing Feedback / Choice, privacy, and books: The influence of literature on modern society [2]

Hi Edward!

I made a few corrections to your short essay. There are some sentences that, perhaps, need to be re-worked. Otherwise, the essay, as short as it is, reads well.

--Mark :)

These books,books have given people the courage to break free from social norms and explore their own ways to pursuitpursue happiness

During previous era'sdecades many toyed with the idea of loving whom they choose toto, against all social law

Tess Dubeyfield, the focal character of the narrative. develops into a rebellious state in which her feelings change her way of life,

whether to live with the love of her life or the mate set forth by her parents becomes a stepping stone for the later revolution of fixed marriages. Giving, giving people the freedom to choose whom they wish to marry.

Writing Feedback / Toefl; History/Literature vs Maths/ Science [3]

Hi! Sure, we can offer a different perspective on your essay, but it would be far better (first) if you would revise it -- it has all of the marks on it from the previous person who critiqued it for you. Besides, I think that if you were to take the time to re-work the essay, you will find that it might read better for you. Try that, and then re-post it.

--Mark :)

Book Reports / Adversity in the Sniper by Liam O Flaherty and how it changes the character [5]

"There is no education like adversity" said,Benjamin Disraeli. In life people face challenges and obstacles that sculpt who they become. In the short story 'The Sniper' by Liam O'Flaherty, youthe readerareis introduced to a nameless character "the sniper", who, through a civil war in Ireland, learns some of life's valuable lessons.

Joe --

When I read your beginning essay, I get confused with respect to which sniper I am reading about and when. It might be best if you can separate the snipers a little more so that when the essay is being read, the reader understands which sniper is which. Do you know what I mean? Get back with me if you don't.

--Mark :)

Graduate / Nigeria: MS in Information Systems: Statement of Purpose. [4]

Hi!

What a wonderful essay! You do have some admirable inspirations, don't you? I enjoyed reading the essay and I enjoyed understanding more about the underdeveloped world in which we find ourselves! It is clearly a shame that countries such as your own does not have such things. I hope that you can change some of that!

I made only one (1) correction to one sentence. You are a good writer.

--Mark :)

As a student, I not only intend on learningto learn the fundamental and vital aspects inof Information Systems, but my interest also lies in understanding and solving real world problems that presently plague database systems and network capabilities

Undergraduate / "don't be upset about what you don't get." (best piece of advice essay) [6]


Jaron,

This is an excellent essay! The only thing that I would suggest you do is use two (2) "--" between words when you do use them. When you use only one, it doesn't look right.

When we went to the store -- to get some Pepsi -- we took all of the money we had.

See how that looks? It looks better than just using one. And, a space belongs between the word and the "-".

Otherwise, your essay reads quite well, indeed. I enjoyed reading it.

--Mark :)

Essays / Spanish conquistadors vs native Americans [7]

Hi Kevin,

What clued you in on the fact that the essay was copied from a website, or that a sentence was copied from a website? I'd like to know.

Did it just "look" as if it were copied to you?

--Mark

Undergraduate / "experiences with Autism" - UF essay [4]

Hi Jenny!

Your experiences with Autism apparently set the stage for you for the rest of your life, and that love for teaching that you now have comes through in this essay that you wrote! I have but a few suggestions for you, and they are below. Good Job on the essay!

--Mark :)

I learned how to better connect with Rebecca, and because of her my ability to bond with other kids improved as well.
-->This sentence is missing some words...but I am not sure where they would best fit.

This was the moment that I understood what I had done for her, and for memyself .

Grammar, Usage / "As opposed to" as apposed to "as apposed to" [3]

Hi Kevin,

It is interesting that you brought this up -- because it's been a long time since I have used or heard that word being used -- apposed. In any event, I found the following information using Google, and I think that this is probably the best definition you will get:

These two spellings originally meant the same thing, but now "appose" is a rare word having to do with placing one thing close to or on something else (compare with juxtapose). It mainly occurs today as an error spelling-checkers won't catch when the word intended is "oppose," meaning to be against something. If you object to a proposed course of action, you are opposed (not "apposed") to it.

Source: wsu.edu
appose Meaning(s)

* (v) place side by side or in close proximity

oppose Meaning(s)

* (v) be against; express opposition to
* (v) fight against or resist strongly
* (v) contrast with equal weight or force
* (v) set into opposition or rivalry
* (v) act against or in opposition to
* (v) be resistant to

Cheers! Mark

Undergraduate / "Art provides self-impression" - Common app short answer [8]

Hey Cindy,

I've already seen what Kevin has suggested, and I see that you still need 19 words to be removed from the essay. I took the time to take out a sentence or two, but I didn't want to rob from the essence of the essay. This is one marvelous essay, by the way. Very well-written, indeed. Take a look at my suggestions:

Writing Feedback / Characteristics of caring people. How did they influence you? [5]

Hi again, Carlynn.

That was going to be my first impression -- that your dream was to be a counselor, but I was not sure. Do you think that you explained that thoroughly in the essay? It might be me, so overlook it if it is.

--Mark :)

Writing Feedback / Characteristics of caring people. How did they influence you? [5]

Carlynn,

This was a heart-felt essay! I enjoyed reading it. However, you lost me in the middle of the first paragraph when you began to tell us that you 'had a dream.' The essay does not seem to describe how or what sort of dream you had, unless I mis-read it or misunderstood it. If so, please explain.

I did make some suggestive comments for you. Otherwise, the essay is great! I love it!

Mark :)

Is it someone thatwho takes care of you when you are sick, promises to keep you safe, or is available in times of need?

As opening day approached, I began thinking 'what if they don't like me, how would I compare to my counselors?'

They made me laugh and made me work; they made me stronger and made me gifts.
--> In this sentence, there is a lack of parallelism -- with respect to the word "gifts." Each of the other 'things' that were made were intangible, but not the word 'gifts.' It does not 'fit in the sentence.'

As she confinedconfided in me she also asked about my life at the cruel age of twelve.

Undergraduate / "I found out I passed the exam" (Vires, Artes, Mores) - FSU Essay [2]

Shelby,

This was one of the better essays I have read that dealt with this prompt! You have clearly defined the three attributes, as far as I am concerned, and you defined them throughout the essay. You have separated the information into three paragraphs, and each one is also clearly defined. I commend you on such a well-written essay.

I have offered you some suggestions, although minor. I wish you luck with your endeavors!

--Mark :)

High School has presented lots of opportunities that tested the strength of my morals.

I struggled with the fact that if I didn't join her, I would lose the one person I could tell anything toin whom I could confide .

At first I felt burdened by how much work it waspresented and struggled to see any improvement

Essays / Immeasurable. Endless. Indefinite. I am not bounded. College of Charleston [2]

Hi Kali,

Well, you are on the right track. Now, you will need to expound on these and other thoughts as you continue with your essay. Try to tell the readers "why" you chose to describe yourself as "infinite." Use some other words that can be used to describe your thoughts. Try to separate the essay into four paragraphs, each one describing a different reason why you chose this word, and then you can use the last paragraph to sum up your ideas and come to a conclusion.

--Mark :)

Undergraduate / Common App Significant Experience: "Salvation" [4]

Yaomin Pan --

This is an extremely well-written essay! I enjoyed reading it a great deal! I have always been interested in the Chinese cultures, as well as the differences between the dialects as they are separated in China. You have surely demonstrated your ability to write well in English! I will look forward to more of your writings in the future!

I am offering you some suggestions, however -- they are below:

--Mark :)

By means of searchesearch engines, I discovered a Chinese social network group called "Protect Cantonese," and soon gotwas soon acquainted with the promoters and some of the members in the group due to their similar life experiences in Guangzhou.

SinceBecause I am a painter and a guitar soloist, I volunteered to help design the protest slogans and posters and pick several songs sung in Cantonese that could embody our ideas

On July 28, two days after I went back to Guangzhou from America

tasting, swinging with the melody of the song

"Wherever I go/My origin will always be engraved on my mind." I couldn't help but grinned and let my tear dropped

Undergraduate / "My goal is to simply be successful" - Flagler Essay [5]

Hi Arnold!

I think that you are on the right track with respect to your essay to Flagler College (I am assuming that this is the Flagler College located in St. Augustine, Florida?). But, I think that you fail to provide specific times in your life that tend to show us (and them) that you are planning to succeed based on a specific situation that occurred in your life. Does this make sense to you?

I think that the college wants you to write a very specific essay that will show them and tell them that you are indeed serious about attending Flagler College and why you are so determined in doing so. You will need to draw on any such specific situations in your life that have steered you towards that college as opposed to, for example, some of the other colleges. Is Flagler College noted for its theatre study? If so, what happened in your life that makes you want to attend this college's theatre? Do you understand what I am trying to say? Be extremely specific in your writing. In your essay, thus far, you are being too generalized. They do not want that; they want you to be very specific.

--Mark :)

Undergraduate / Why/What/How - Study abroad essay for London [3]

Hi Paris,

This was a very good essay. I probably would have worded some things differently, but your essay was well-written and well-structured. I did make a few suggestive changes for you to consider. I wish you luck in your endeavor to go abroad! I've been to England; it is a beautiful country!

--Mark :)

I have always wanted to travel the world and learn about the different places that I have only read about.about which I have read.

I want to learn about another countriescountry's history, not from a book, but from going there and actually seeing where these historical events happened and how it affected thatthe country and its people.

Going to London will help me with my Communicationcommunication degree because communication is how we

Writing Feedback / TOEFL: Luck Vs Hard work; Which is better? luck may disappoint you easly [5]

Hi Suven!

I know you! I have worked with your essays in the recent past. As far as the above essay is concerned, I think that, while it is choppy is certain places, it presents a good argument and I think that it is well-structured. I would have used different words in certain circumstances, but your point is well taken and it comes through just as fine without my changes. I don't see any extreme problems with grammar and I certainly don't see any spelling issues.

The only issue I would like to bring to your attention is in the following sentence:

At the end he was not only able to get the promotion amidst a stiff competition but also got nominated for a foreign scholarship sincebecause he had more credentials than other officers in his capacity.

-->Try to remember that the word "since" is a measure of time, and it is not to be used as it was in the sentence. I know, everyone does it, but it is wrong. Use another word, as I have done for you.

Otherwise, I think you did a good job -- if this essay is a practice one for TOEFL. Good luck with the exam!

--Mark :)

Writing Feedback / I prefer to let children go for a paid work especially for those who need to earn a living [3]

Hi Do!

You are not forcing the issue with respect to the reasons why you "don't think" that children should work. In other words, you only have a few sentences that describe these reasons, and I would certainly have a few more. It is actually true that children should "not" work under a specific age, and most of the time, in most countries (developed), that age is 15 or 16 years of age. But, you don't mention this point or others that are important for your argument.

I have made some corrections to the first two paragraphs. Take a look at them and see what you think. Then, perhaps you can re-work the essay. Then perhaps you might want to re-post the essay as well.

--Mark :)

Writing Feedback / IELTS: what sort of knowledge should universities provide to graduates? [8]

I still think that the student should re-work the essay and make it on point, so that it better describes his or her feelings, and that it answers the prompt correctly. Then, and only then, can we correct the grammar and the spelling, etc.

--Mark

Writing Feedback / Cars should not be allowed to enter the city center do you agree or disagree? [2]

Hi alahakon!

It's you again, eh? You can see from the essay below that it needs some work. There were many areas where the words did not quite "fit." I would certainly go through the essay, find a few of the sentences that make sense to you (now that they are corrected), and write them up to ten (10) times...this will help you memorize the grammar rules. If you then take the essay and re-work it and re-post it on the forum, we can take a "look-see" and read it again for you. OK?

--Mark :)

Writing Feedback / Traffic in Viet Nam: Reasons and Solutions [5]

Hi.

As you can see from the first paragraph, there are many parts of the essay that need attention, but you are well on your way to a good essay. You have a strong opinion and you are backing it up with strong information. I suggest that you re-work the essay, given the corrections that are suggested, including the other paragraphs and then re-post it on the forum. How does that sound?

--Mark :)

Writing Feedback / toefl; Internet had negative effects on civilization [5]

Hi alahakon,

How much space were you provided with this essay? I ask because there is so much more that you could have said about the Internet! One person, Jems, has already touched on one of the issues, and that is the amount of terrorism that has been spawned due to the Internet -- terrorism that probably would or could not have happened if it were not for the Internet.

I think you might want to go back into the essay and think about other negative aspects of the Internet and how these have affected us as a society. There is just so much more to write about. Ask how much space you are provided for the essay.

--Mark

Undergraduate / "The Real Purpose of Social Networks" UT Transfer Admissions Essay [6]

Tracy,

I would have to agree with Zainab, in that you picked a topic for which you have a very negative view. I wonder if you can find any positive views about "social networks" with your essay? Surely, there are some positive aspects of the social networks that appear today.

--Mark :)

Essays / Using expressiona like: "First of all" to start an essay [4]


Hi Cindy,

I am not sure exactly what it is you are asking here. Are you asking whether you can start an essay with the words "First of all"? Please explain.

--Mark

Undergraduate / "the engineering challenges" - Why Stanford Essay [6]

Hi Erin,

Great essay! I just take issue with the following:

Stanford is the home of my college aspirations: I want to transform the Green Dorm from a plan to a reality. To work with my peers on late night projects. To explore paths around failure. To celebrate innovation. To learn. To experiment. To grow. I want to see the sunlight play across the water of a fountain at Stanford, sparkling under the clear blue sky, illuminating the place where I learned to make a change.

-->I wonder if it would not be better if you were to separate the sentence fragments with semi-colons. It might read better and it will be better English. Otherwise, you have written a wonderful essay! Are you an engineer major?

--Mark :)

Writing Feedback / The employees would not stay in one job for various reasons. It's inappropriate. [4]

I also found that if the word "overhead" were to be changed with "liability," the sentence(s) might sound better.

--Mark

Essays / "How-To" Essays... How to start them (for example: making peanut butter cookies) [3]

Mariel,

What do you like to do the most? What is it that makes you the happiest? Write about that, whatever it is, as long as it is a "how to" essay. It should be easy. All you really need to do to start the essay is to write a simple outline that explains how to do something -- and then use that outline to construct your essay. Try something! Anything! And then post it on the forum for us to critique for you. You might be surprised that you know more about it than you initially think! Have some faith in yourself.

--Mark :)

Writing Feedback / IELTS: what sort of knowledge should universities provide to graduates? [8]

Hi Veruska!

I am not that sure that you covered the essence of the essay in your words. The topic was whether you believed that the university should "teach" the job -- for the sake of the employer, or should the university teach for the sake of the education. That is the essence of the essay, and it goes back to the early part of English and American literature when it was supposed that "Education should be made available for the 'sake' of the education," and not for the sake of the employee becoming employed. I am not too sure whether you touched on that point at all of enough.

In my own view, education should be made available to those who wish to obtain it, but for the sake of the education, not solely for the sake of employment. If employment is a manifestation of the education received, then so be it. But, the essence of the education should be merely to educate, make someone more aware of his or her surroundings.

Perhaps you might want to touch on that in your essay. Just a thought. :)

--Mark

Writing Feedback / The employees would not stay in one job for various reasons. It's inappropriate. [4]

Hi alahakon!

I have critiqued some of your work in the past. Say, I do understand and agree with the next to the last paragraph of this essay, but the preceding two paragraphs are somewhat difficult to follow due to the lack of substantial meanings. I would work on the two paragraphs mentioned and then re-present the material to the forum -- unless you can explain what those two paragraphs mean by editing them.

--Mark :)

If this spouse is the main bread winner of the family, it is very unlikely that this female employee would decide to continue her job rather than leaving the job to join her spouse.

--> Here, I would probably not use the term, "bread winner." Choose a different term for the spouse that makes the most money. Not everyone knows what it means and not all cultures (even in the states) use the term.

Furthermore , the business should responserespond effectively to the socio- economic environmental changes for its own survival and growth.
--> What does this sentence mean?

In such events the business would require people with new skills and competencies.
--> In what events?

Keeping old employees that are not in a position to contribute towards success of the business due to lack of new skills and competencies would be a major overheadliability for the business.

The next to the last paragraph would make a lot more sense if the preceding two paragraphs made some sense. But, because there are a lack of strong words in the preceding paragraphs, the essence of the sentences is difficult to follow.

Scholarship / "the purpose of (my) art?" - QUESTBRIDGE SCHOLARSHIP ESSAY [2]

Hey Austin!

I have written to you in the past, and I have always liked your writing! This is a good piece. I just made a few corrections.

--Mark

My first few portfolio critiques went efficientlyas expected , each representative offering basic bites of advice such as, "Be sure to spray fixative over your chalk pieces!" and "Always draw from real life. It enhances your perception of light."

After three critiques, I lined up for my final critique at a booth where a Chicago representatives sat, hoping for something gratifying.

The session moved as per protocol, and tips were drawn out at every 1.27 minute intervals , as though it was rehearsed clockwork.

I collected my thoughts: what was the purpose of (my) art? Why would I pursue it? What was my message? I felt ashamed, desecrated, hollowed out by the reality of my own art.

--> Excellent, powerful sentence!

You are doing rather well with the rules! You are a good writer. Continue with this progress and you will succeed!

Undergraduate / "the Hispanic community" - The World I Come From [5]

Hi Erika!

I like your essay! I have added some additional corrections to the ones that were already made by Murtaza -- and I agree with his assertions. Good luck with your endeavors!

--Mark

My parents came to America as young adults, with no knowledge of the English Language or how society worksed .

They came here with a goal,goal -- to make their lives better,

My mom and dad pushed through the impossibilities and obstacles to make life for me and my siblingsmy siblings and me
--> always put yourself last in a sentence such as this.

Undergraduate / "About Tan" - Learn to be Independent (influential person) [3]

But when I was eleven years old, everything had change, because my mother was giving gave birth to my little brother.
--> Here, be careful how you say somethings. The sentence you wrote made it sound as if your mother was giving birth to your brother during that entire time. I re-wrote it for you.

I agree with Ana, above, when she recommends that you be careful with the verbs. There are also some other areas -- such as the use of the articles, as described below:

I was at home watching a movie with my cousins
-->the articles, like "a," and "the," need to be placed before the nouns.

I would most certainly re-work the essay, and be careful of the two areas that are already described for you.

--Mark

Undergraduate / "the relationship i have with my parents" - Personal Statment for colleges [3]

Hi Shelmar:

You have the workings of a good essay here, but I really do think that you might want to work on it a little more. Be more descriptive of what your parents accomplished (you will see what I am talking about in the space below). There are also some corrections I have offered to you. I think that you are a good writer -- your essay just needs to be polished a little. Great topic!

--Mark

Strangers huddled around a small tin house, the aroma of food filled with spices rose to the atmosphere, women dressed in dazzling saris and men at their best wait for a stranger whom I know nothing of.of whom I know nothing.

As a result of this, our relationship was not built on a foundation starting from the base. My relationships with my parents are like black and white, they contrast each other but yet they are colors

--> Exactly what are you trying to say here? They are like black and white, but yet they are colors? What does this mean?

Over the past few years, my parents have opened up and shared the sacrifices they have made to accomplish what they have up to date.

--> OK, this is a good sentence from which you can launch an excellent description of what your mother and father have done over the past few years. You do little to tell the reader about this in your essay. Be more descriptive.

Undergraduate / for essay on impact of second grade talent show [2]

I simply loved the descriptive essay you wrote. You are a good writer. I did make one correction, as it is indicated below. I would also probably change the word "mom" and write "mother" each time it appears in the essay. Otherwise, I think that you have an excellent essay here.

--Mark

I am frantically drying my sweaty hands on my jeans, as I can tell that "The Pink Panther" is coming to a close. I'm up next. I steady my shaky fingers, because I know they are a necessity needed for what I am about to do.